Original subtitles

There is a crazy

flu going around.

Lots of miserable,

dehydrated people with

high fevers and diarrhea.

And one of those

dehydrated, high-fevered,

miserable people is April.

Who hates me.

I want another nurse.

Well, there are none.

We're stretched

pretty thin right now.

Then, I want a janitor.

They can do

what you do, right?

Yep. Nurses and janitors

are totally interchangeable.

Except no one

dresses up like a janitor

when they want to be slutty.

I get the sense that

maybe you're angry at me

for kissing Andy.

No, I'm not.

What are you talking about?

That's crazy.

And that you think

it might be fun to

take it out on me.

Please don't do that.

Do? I can't do anything.

I'm sick.

My blankets are on the floor.

So, JJ, we wanted to

talk to you about

the Harvest Festival.

Yeah, I heard you

were bringing that back.

Sorry, I haven't

been feeling myself.

Well, I'm organizing

this huge Harvest Festival

and I need at least

80 local businesses

to participate.

And normally this

is the kind of thing

I would love to do.

But, I'm just

feeling really tired.

I think maybe my

allergies are acting up.

I've already vomited,

like, five times today.

We're having a meeting

tonight at the Chamber

of Commerce

and we're going to go

over all the details.

And we'd just love

if you could come

and join us.

Sure.

Anything for my

favorite customer.

I bet you say that

to all the girls.

Oh, no.

No, actually,

you're my favorite.

You spent over

$1,000 last year

on waffles alone.

Here.

I didn't know

what to bring you,

so I just got some

magazines and lipstick.

Woman stuff.

Thanks. All my parents

got me was that.

Okay. Well, I'm not

very good at visiting

people in hospitals,

so I'm going to go.

Hey. If you see Andy,

will you not

tell him I'm here?

Okay.

Because of what happened,

I don't want

him to think...

Stop!

Don't want to know.

The less I know about

other people's affairs,

the happier I am.

I'm not interested in

caring about people.

I once worked with

a guy for three years

and never learned his name.

Best friend I ever had.

We still

never talk sometimes.

So, we've developed

a revenue sharing formula

that will hopefully

appeal to most

business owners, but...

Leslie.

Go home. You're sick.

I'm not sick.

It's just allergies.

Come on, guys.

Just let me in there.

No.

You can't come in here.

You're not coming in.

Leslie, you look tired

and you're all sweaty.

You look tired and

you're all sweaty

all the time.

What's your excuse?

You want to go there, Jerry?

No.

Fine,

I'm coming in.

Donna, barricade

the door now.

Donna, come on.

Just let me in.

Mmm-mmm.

Either go home or go

back into quarantine.

I'm not going home.

Get out of here,

Leslie. Go home.

Hit the bricks.

Come on. No, no,

no, no, no, no. She's

germing up all my stuff.

Aw, yuck!

Leslie!

Ann Perkins.

Hey. How was your run?

Ended with

a five-and-a-half minute

mile. My personal low.

I think the pavement

in this town is soft.

What's with the mask?

Flu prevention.

My body is finely-tuned,

like a microchip,

and the flu is

like a grain of sand.

It could literally shut

down the entire system.

My body's like a chip, too.

A potato chip.

No.

Speaking of potato chips,

you and I are on for

dinner tomorrow, yes?

Yes. Definitely.

I'm super, super excited.

Looking forward to it.

Excellent.

Way to go, buddy.

Way to go.

We've been on

a couple of dates.

I really like him.

The problem is

he's like a perfect human man.

I can't find one flaw.

There was one time

I thought he farted.

But it was me.

I need to find someone

to fill in for April.

Now, I know I'm not

going to find someone

who's both aggressively

mean and apathetic.

April really is

the whole package.

But I think

I might know someone

who will be just

as ineffective.

Hello, Andrew.

What's new?

A whole lot!

Check this out.

I just invented it.

Super-straw.

So, just sit here

and do your thing.

Do I have to tuck

my shirt in?

Because, honestly,

that's kind of a deal breaker.

Let it fly.

Hey, wait. Where is April?

Is she all right?

Yeah.

I just gave her the day off.

Would it be weird

if I asked for the day off?

Yeah, no, it's okay.

I didn't think so.

I'm sorry. Are you leaving?

I thought we had a meeting.

No, we do. It's just

I think it's

a little chilly in here.

Are you okay?

Your eyes are glassy.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my... Is she...

Is she sick? Are you sick?

No.

Yeah! She's sick.

That's why I'm wearing this,

and misting myself

with hand sanitizer.

I am not sick.

I just have allergies, okay?

I took a Claritin

and I threw that up,

so I took another one.

I threw that up.

And then, I took

a third and it stayed down.

I'm getting better.

All right.

You're burning up.

You're burning up. What?

I have to get

out of here.

I have 2.8% body fat.

My body is like a microchip.

A grain of sand

could destroy it.

My body's a microchip.

Leslie, go home.

No, I can't.

I can't go home.

I have to get ready

for the Chamber of Secrets.

Commerce.

If this meeting

does not go perfectly,

then the Harvest Festival

is going to be over

before it begins.

I cannot go home.

Okay, then,

who's your doctor?

Ann's my doctor.

And she's

the most beautiful nurse

in the world.

Come on.

Oh, God. Now, I'm hot.

Now, it's really hot in here.

Okay, well,

that's your fever.

Leslie, I typed your symptoms

into the thing up here,

and it says you could

have "network

connectivity problems".

104.1.

Leslie, you're dehydrated.

I'm admitting you.

If I was sick,

could I do this?

What are

you doing?

Cartwheels.

Am I not doing them?

No.

Look, don't worry.

I've done presentations

like this before,

and Tom will be with me.

So, you're in good hands.

It's not that

I don't trust Ben.

It's that I don't

have faith in Ben.

And, also, I'm starting

to forget who Ben is.

I'll handle

the general outline.

If you want to...

Look.

...just jump right in.

The worst thing you can do

with an important

presentation like this

is over-prepare.

Well...

So,

I think it's best

if I go to the spa.

No, we promised Leslie

we'd prep for the meeting.

No, Ben. You promised Leslie.

See, I never

promise Leslie anything.

That way,

I never disappoint her.

I try to be considerate.

Well, I am off for a soak

and a schvitz. Arrivederch.

Ron Swanson's office.

Yes, I will transfer you.

I just dropped another call.

I thought you might like

a fresh set of pillows.

Are you trying

to smother me?

Help! This slutty nurse

is trying to

smother me to death

with a pillow!

Okay, never mind.

Stay back, slut!

I know what

she's trying to do.

She's trying to

get me to break.

And you know what?

I'm not going to do it.

I'm going to be professional

and I'm going to

put on a happy face.

And then, I'm going to

go into a supply closet

and snap a bunch of

tongue depressors.

Okay. So,

let's talk about

your opening remarks.

Do you want me to

write you a rap?

I'll write you a rap.

No, you know what?

You're never going to

be able to pull it off.

You're too white.

How about a show tune

or something?

I was just planning

to introduce myself,

non-musically,

and then, get everyone

to refer to their packets.

And blah, blah, blah.

No.

No "blah, blah, blah", okay?

You need to go over

every single detail with me.

Leslie, I promise you

I won't half-ass this.

Okay? Now, get some rest.

I have some great news.

I think my fever just broke.

Goodbye.

It just came out.

I am starving.

I haven't had lunch

since yesterday.

So, I'm going to

head over to Callahan's.

Oh, no, no, no.

Don't go there. They

totally skimp on pickles.

Let me go to Big

Head Joe's for you.

They have

the most insane burritos.

I don't much go

for ethnic food.

No, trust me. They have

one that's called

the "Meat Tornado".

It literally

killed a guy last year.

You had me

at "Meat Tornado".

What are you doing?

Hey. That flu

medicine really helped.

I feel

a thousand percent better.

Good as new.

Does this scarf look okay?

I don't want to look stuffy.

But I also don't want

to look too "schlubby".

Get back in that bed.

So no to the scarf?

Get back in the bed.

No, I'm going

to that meeting.

Either you get

back in the bed,

or I will strap you down.

I've done it before.

Don't test me.

Okay, okay, okay.

Now, what superpower

would you rather have?

Would you rather

be able to fly

or be invisible?

Ed, go first.

Fly, I guess.

I forgot to tell you.

You can only fly five feet

above the ground.

I bring a certain

panache and spice

to the spa experience

for these guys.

Before I joined,

they were just

three old white dudes

quietly boiling in hot water.

Would you rather

live in the pocket

of a giant kangaroo

or have a pocket

on your own stomach

that has a tiny kangaroo

in it all the time?

Preston.

Tiny kangaroo in

my stomach pocket.

Forgot to mention,

the tiny kangaroo

is a racist.

Hey, Ann.

What happened?

I just saw you

a few hours ago,

and you were fine.

Not like,

"Damn, you're fine,"

but fine health-wise.

My body has no fat

to protect itself

from disease.

Things happen very quickly.

Listen to me.

It's very important that

you replenish my body

with electrolytes

after every involuntary

loss of bodily fluids.

Oh, boy.

My body tends to lose

a lot of fluids

when it's sick.

My brain is on fire.

I'm dying.

Well, you definitely

have the flu.

Oh, my God.

The microchip has

been compromised.

Pierre Garcon was

a sixth-round pick.

Collie was the fourth round.

Indianapolis Colts

know how to draft so well.

They really do.

Andy, this was delicious.

It's awesome, huh?

It's a whole new

meat delivery system.

Thank you, son.

What do you say we go

out to the parking lot,

run a few pass plays

to burn off the calories?

You are an unstoppable

good idea machine!

I like Andy.

I'm surrounded

by a lot of women

in this department.

And that includes the men.

Hup, hup, hup!

Peyton Manning

reading the defense!

Reggie Wayne, Colts corner!

Andy, wait up!

Hey, April.

I saw that you called

for me. What can

I do for you?

I need more flu medicine.

An actual request.

Well, you can't have any.

That stuff is powerful,

no extra doses.

I didn't take any.

Leslie came in here

and stole it and left.

Leslie? Leslie!

Hey, have you seen Leslie?

I had a dream

that she came

into this room,

stole my flu medicine,

told me not to tell you,

and then disappeared

through that hole

in the wall.

The door?

Maybe we should

get, like, a suite

here for them, okay?

Ben Wyatt! Hello!

Hi, Leslie.

Good to see you.

You, too.

Wow, you're really burning up.

Can I get some money

for the cab that I took

over here, please?

Sure. How much?

I'm not sure.

I looked at the meter,

and it had Egyptian

hieroglyphics on it.

Wow.

Do you know the

exchange rate?

So should we do this?

Oh, boy. Hold on.

Be careful.

What?

The floor and

the wall just switched.

Okay.

Walk very carefully.

You know, I find it

a little insulting

that you don't

trust me to handle this.

It's not that

I don't trust you, okay?

It's just this Harvest

Festival is my project.

It's my career on the line.

And I just need

to make sure that

I've done everything

I can to make it work.

Okay. It's show time.

Okay.

Good evening, everyone.

I'm Leslie Monster.

And this is Nightline.

Okay, I wouldn't

open with that.

No?

Why don't we sit down. Okay?

Yep.

Libertarianism is all

about individual liberty.

And it should never be

defined by the terms

"liberal" or "conservative."

And communism is

no good, right?

That's right.

Big swing and a miss.

And what's the word

for when a few clerics

are in charge?

Religious oligarchy.

Holy...

I can remember things.

I guess.

Hey, keep mine rare.

A man after my own heart.

I vomited

somewhere in this room.

I don't remember

where, though.

Wait. You might want

to check that drawer.

Stop pooping.

You have to get up

off the floor now.

This floor is my friend.

Nothing like

a complete

physical breakdown

to make a guy seem

less intimidating.

I love the flu.

And then I said,

"You know what?

"I think we need

to get these bananas

out of here."

Have a seat, boys.

Oh, hey, Tom,

glad you could make it.

You have a nice day

with your spa buddies?

Actually, yes, Ben,

I did.

And my spa buddies

own a couple of car

dealerships in town,

and they've agreed to

donate a fleet of vehicles

for Harvest Festival,

twenty-five vans

for the entire event.

Okay, Tom, I'm ready.

Get up there

and introduce me.

You got it.

I can't let you

do this, Leslie.

Hey, this ain't

your call, McCluskey.

Hey, Ron,

can I ask you a question?

Sure.

It's about April.

I don't like to get involved

in people's personal...

I hurt her feelings,

and now she's pissed at me.

I feel like if I

could just explain myself,

she'd understand,

but she's avoiding me.

It's making me miserable.

April's in the hospital,

sick with the flu.

What? I knew it!

I didn't know that.

Is she okay?

Yeah, she's fine.

You can go visit her

tomorrow morning. But

don't tell her I told you.

I won't.

No, no, no. Nope.

Okay.

Before we get started,

a quick announcement.

Every Thursday night

is ladies' night

down at the Snakehole Lounge

over on Burnham Avenue.

Ladies get two drinks

for the price of one.

Oh, no,

that can't be right.

That's way too

good of a deal.

Nope.

That is what it says. Wow.

That sounds like

a fun time.

Anyway,

it is now my great honor

to welcome to the stage

the woman responsible

for the entire

Harvest Festival.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Leslie Knope!

Every one of you,

just by showing up

here tonight,

has already made history.

In days past,

the Harvest Festival

was the cornerstone

of Pawnee's

small-business community,

a weeklong showcase

for everything from

textiles to small farms.

By our estimates,

as many as 30,000 people

might attend the festival,

and the monetary value

of that kind of direct

customer-to-business exposure

is, frankly, incalculable.

What?

Three, two, one.

And my shift's over.

What the

is your problem?

Whoa, I thought you

weren't gonna lose it.

While I was on duty,

I didn't. Now it's just me.

I get that you're mad that

I kissed Andy, okay?

But it was

a moment of confusion,

and it was a mistake.

And I'm very sorry.

You want to hate me forever?

Okay.

Fine!

You know what?

I don't care.

But you shouldn't

take it out on Andy,

because he really likes you,

and he did nothing wrong.

And just for the record,

I'm starting to hate you, too.

That's the most

I've ever liked Ann.

The time is now.

The place is Pawnee.

Let's make history.

Thank you.

That was amazing.

That was

a flu-ridden Michael Jordan

at the '97 NBA finals.

That was Kirk Gibson

hobbling up to the plate

and hitting a homer

off of Dennis Eckersley.

That was...

That was Leslie Knope.

Thank you so much.

Any questions?

Yes, sir?

Are we going to get

the same sales-tax

incentives we used to?

That's a very

good question, sir,

and I would counter

with my own question,

which is,

why is half of

your face all swirly?

Okay, unfortunately,

Leslie has another

very important

meeting right now.

So if you have

any other questions,

you can just

direct them towards me.

Give it up, everybody,

for Scott Bakula

from Quantum Leap.

All right. Okay, let's...

Excuse me.

And to answer

your question, sir,

there will be sales-tax

incentives this year.

I think I should

drive you to the hospital.

Was I wearing a tiara

when I came in here?

Because if you

happen upon it,

will you have Lady Pennyface

retrieve it and

send it post-hence?

Oh, hey.

Hey, there.

I got you some waffles here,

courtesy of JJ's diner,

and chicken soup,

courtesy of me.

I'll take the waffles.

Thank you.

Okay.

So how did the rest

of the meeting go?

Well, you said you

needed eighty total

businesses to participate.

Yeah.

We have 110,

and counting.

So, nice work, Leslie.

Nice work to you too.

Left the chicken soup there,

just in case.

It's an old family recipe.

It's not a big deal, but...

Thank you for that.

Okay.

Hi, April.

It's me, Andy.

Just stay sleeping.

I am going to be here

when you wake up.

I will not leave your side.

You could be asleep for hours.

Maybe I'll come back later.

Hope you feel better. Okay.

And I know you think

that I'm a jerk, but

I hope you can forgive me.

Gross. Your forehead

is all sweaty. That's gross.

But I still like you. Okay.

That's disgusting.

Got your message.

What's up?

I got a call from

the boys upstairs.

And they have a new

assignment for us.

Okay.

Yeah.

And I feel like

we should ask for

an extension to stay here.

Yes, definitely.

You know,

the festival thing's

getting pretty huge,

and a couple loose ends

that need tying up.

Good, so I'll

make the call then,

to get the extension?

Yeah, they need our help.

For the loose ends.

Great.

Good.

Okay, you need

a ride back to the office?

No, no, I'm gonna

go for a light 15k.

I missed yesterday.

Way to go, buddy.

Way to go.