All language subtitles for James Mullinger - Greatest Hits Full New Stand Up Comedy Special [2025]

[Applause]

my wonderful friend James minger has

been a comedian for over 20 years 10 of

which he spent in England in the UK and

10 of which he spent in

Canada tonight is a very special album

recording celebrating his most favorite

jokes over the last 20 years

However unfortunately James appears to

have got lost James appears to have fall

fall in in the stupid giant hole at the

top of King

[Music]

streets you know the hole where

Woolworths used to be ladies and

gentlemen watch this video on the screen

behind me and welcome James to the stage

thank

[Applause]

you it's showtime and we have a real

treat for you this evening all the way

from London England James mullinger was

one of the UK's hardest working

comedians he had his own show on Comedy

Central which saw him interviewing

everyone from Tom Cruz to Amy Schumer

and Jerry Seinfeld to George Clooney he

appeared in mi3 movies and was the

comedy editor for GQ Magazine then 10

years ago he left it all behind and

moved to a small town in New Brunswick

and he's going to tell you why he's Tak

in Canada by storm since his arrival he

was nominated for the just for's best

comedy show award and a Canadian Comedy

Award a big budget British movie was

made about his life starring actors from

The Inbetweeners dami nding Hill and

Twilight the Solo TV station arena for a

globally streamed standup special

beating Jerry Seinfeld venue sales

record in 2016 and then again in April

2018 when he beat his own record you

will have heard him on cbc's The

Debaters many times and his new standup

special debuted in the US last year to

Ray reviews he loves living here so much

that he launched his own magazine

celebrating the east coast of Canada

titled the maritime edit which sells

over 50,000 copies internationally in

the past year alone his autobiography

Brit hins living the Canadian dream was

published and became an instant Canadian

bestseller he co-wrote and starred in a

national sitcom of Bo you guested a

British comedian who moved to New

Brunswick he won the RBC inspiring

immigrant award and his dream came true

when he finally became a Canadian czen

but perhaps most impressively in his

short time here he has single-handedly

raised over

$200,000 for local charities please put

your hands together for James mullinger

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

hello St

John made it just in time we

will beautiful let's hear it one more

time for the amazing Mr Ethan

Ash look at all these friendly faces

Caitlyn Dean you're in the exact same

spot you're in last year have you just

been sitting there all year yes there a

lot of good shows here nice to see you

Jen and Dwayne are here in their usual

spot Jen and Dwayne ladies and gents

they had there yeah

you everyone knows you if anyone knows

this story Jen had their first date 8

years ago tonight to see me

live second date was to see me and then

a couple years later when Dwayne wanted

to get uh engaged to Jen he called on me

to turn up at tandies one night on their

an tonight a few years ago and I turned

up and started roasting him for not

proposing and then he got down on one

knee and proposed

[Music]

yeah come to a minger gig you might get

married me well Ashley how you doing

nice to see you Ashley I I saw you

Ashley you over there Ashley is a local

hero Ashley and I met through the Make A

Wish Foundation a few years ago and it

was during covid and Ashley's wish of

going to England couldn't come true

because of the stupid covid and so we

brought England to you didn't we we did

we made England in Market Square

and I'm dressed up as James Bond and my

son dressed up as Harry

Potter and Ashley it's now 3 years later

and Ashley is about to graduate from St

Thomas's University in frederickton good

on you Ashley nice to see you my friend

nice to see you thank you for being here

oh this is beautiful the house is full

of Heroes we've got Evelyn mcnalty from

Romero house here

yes but most importantly the real star

Lily mcel is here and

Lily how you doing my friend God bless

you God bless you Evelyn and Lily

feeding our friends in need in St John

for 40 years at Romero house this is a

beautiful thing this is the fabric of

our society beautiful well thank you all

for being here this is always the best

night of my year so I can't thank you

enough for sharing it with me

celebrating 20 years doing standup

comedy it was a trip to St John 20 years

ago that inspired me to finally take up

standup comedy and the next 90 minutes I

hope to tell you that story how that

came to be I I spent 10 years in the UK

as a comedian 10 years here and uh we're

recording this for an album so happy

days here you laugh will appear on the

album it's

beautiful um just to prove that I am a

new buns wicker I'd like to start

tonight by talking about the

weather that's right yeah just to prove

I fit in it has been lovely day hasn't

it a freakishly lovely day uh we've had

we've had snow at this time of year

before we've had floods and yet we've

just had Sun recently we had a nice

winter but then weirdly in England they

had a freak snowfall a few weeks ago

England never gets snow like they

actually wish for snow they want it we

never wish for snow we never they wish

for it and I was on a zoom with my mom

and she was freaking out right she was

like James we've had a terrible snowfall

she said Dad couldn't make it to book

club

the whole country is in

lockdown the highways are closed the

buses aren't running she's holding up

the headlines the front page of the

Daily Mail snow

apocalypse the sun it said snow mageddon

I said oh my goodness mom how much have

you got and she said almost a

centimeter I said you know what we call

that in New Brunswick bloody

summer this is gorgeous since I saw you

last um I took the show you saw last

year on the road uh I took it across

Canada it was my first time touring

every single province in this beautiful

country it was a great honor doing that

as a as a new Canadian it was a

beautiful

thing thank you thank you than

God but as you all know you know how

much I love the small towns and cities

of Atlantic Canada but it was my chance

to see the small towns of the rest of

Canada so I made sure cuz you know full

well you don't get to see real Canada

unless you go to the small towns and

cities right cuz people think they come

and visit don't they they come and visit

and they think oh they think that by

going to

Toronto you have to do that once you're

fully Fred new bun every time you say

that dreaded word you have to what if

you turn to Toronto you have to do that

you have to do sometimes the real

hardcore like penin right they do this

on the spit just to

really people think they go to Toronto

they know Canada but but but they don't

so I said I said whenever we're going to

a to a place I want to go to the small

town in between so I was playing

Winnipeg uh last year Winnipeg Manitoba

and I was doing a Brandon Manitoba and I

said I want to play somewhere small and

they said well we found a town uh in

between those to Tiny Town it's called

kman Manitoba has anyone been to Carman

no cuz my I I have a belief you haven't

really experienced true Canada until

you've been to you know a fire hall

wedding in

Norton and I've been to one I've been to

one it is Hardcore it is Hardcore it was

my my wife's cousin uh she she was 18 it

was her wedding and all six of her

children were bites Maids

it was one of those ideas that I had a

couple of days ago I thought don't say

that sometimes sometimes you hear it

before even I do

right things just come out right things

just come out it's way my framework it

comes out and then you laugh and I'm

like what did you just say you said what

what so I said to the promotion I said I

want to know you where's the Norton of

Manitoba they said kman I said wonderful

let's do a show there so so I'm on stage

in Carman and by stage I obviously mean

corner of the

Legion cuz the career is

going and and and and I started a

routine about about Tim Horton right a

normal thing for a new Canadian to talk

about Tim Horton right and I said to and

they all started booing they all started

booing Tim Hortons thought that's a bit

odd like you don't you don't Boo the

national

dish whatever you think of you don't boo

to this is odd this is odd like because

we don't do we don't Canadians don't boo

our own we stick up for our things if

it's Canadian we stand behind it

obviously the exception Air Canada

we stick up for anything of our own

we'll stick up for anything right we

will defend anything Canadian you can be

anywhere in the world and someone says

Hey Canada worst airline in the world

and we go I [ __ ]

agree so I meant I'm all confused I had

to stop the gig I said sorry why are you

all booing Tim Horton why are you booing

Tim on and a lady like the spokesperson

for K and

Manitoba she puts hand she she says well

actually she said um she said we've been

campaigning to get a Tims here for about

30

years I've been leading the charge

personally for the last

28 I said well what's the problem why

can't you have Tims they're everywhere

and she said well they have a policy

Tim's head office have a policy in

Manitoba that the threshold the cut off

for having a Tims in your town uh open a

franchisee to open a Tims that the cut

off is you have to have a population of

over 3,000 people

I

know and I said well what's the

population of kman Manitoba and she said

really tearfully she's like we've been

sitting around the 2998

Mark for about 40

years and she said they won't buds she

said every time someone gets

pregnant they're like in the delivery

room the whole of like car's like

outside the hospital in the par [ __ ]

lot is it

twins is it Twins and then one time

apparently it was twins it was Twins and

they were all happy the whole town was

excited they all doing the coner through

the town we're going to get a Tims again

again Tims and then suddenly someone

comes running

over there's been a terrible car

accident we've lost

four everyone back to to the bedroom get

pcking get

fuing to the bedroom if you want to roll

up your Rim you

better roll up your

Rim if you wait for it if you want to

get a Boston

cream you can fill in the punch lines

want to get a buz you better get Boston

creamed but I just

ad I just admire and love that that

Canadian small town resilience of not

giving up cuz you know normally in life

like if if we're not wanted for like a

job or a person doesn't want us like

after a while you go well I don't want

it anyway not kman

Manitoba the fact that they kept

fighting they're still fighting to this

day to get themselves a Tim hortens and

and they've made M their dignity their

heads are held high and and they they

they've kept their pride they haven't

settled for a [ __ ]

Robins no offense

Hampton I did get permission from the

mayor of Hampton for that one you got to

right small place you got a check you

got a

check and then um I did the same thing

BC we were doing the Okanagan we were

doing Colona and Penton and I said well

what's the what's the small town in

between they said the Lake Country BC

they said it's 15,000 I said that's the

same as the Ken casis Valley lovely I

get there right to get there as soon as

I get into the hotel uh it's the day of

the show I I I check in I'm in the

elevator a lady says to me oh English

English I said yes and she said oh are

you the comedian again that's the sign

you know you're in a small town in

Canada someone hears your accent and

assumes well you must be the English

comedian that's performing tonight in

the town I said yes yes I'm the comedian

nice to meet you and she said oh good

good I'm glad I've got you can I ask you

a favor I said certainly she said uh

would you mind not doing any vagina

jokes

tonight I

know I said well I I I I don't normally

do requests

but do you mind me asking why you don't

want any vagina jokes tonight she said

not at all not at all she said because

I'm a

gynecologist and I have to look at 50

vaginas a

day what do you say to that Dwayne I

what do you say I had no idea EV I had

no idea of course what I should have

done was shut my

mouth but again things come out without

thinking and you know what came out I

said blim

me 10 minutes ago I thought I had the

best job in the

world where I up top everyone good up

top I can't see you but I can hear you

good

beautiful and I gu you know I'm I'm

obsessed with this country and it's

funny as I'm sure you all know there are

there are

8,000 uh towns and cities across Canada

8,000 just over 8,000 towns and cities

and half of them 4,000 as I'm sure you

know were named by by British immigrants

and and and set and explorers right

which is why so many of the names here

all match up to like basically every

single name is of a town here matches up

my dad grew up in Sussex I lived in in

London my mom grew up in a place called

in Hampton in England like all the names

half of them all British Town names here

but it's kind of funny that they got the

British immigrants and the and the as an

explorers to name the first 4,000 and

then they had the other 4,000 and they

said let's get a pervert to name

those it's a saucy Old Country isn't

it it's very strange it's very odd it's

like they had these English men they

said well let's get dirty John to come

in and come in and name the rest I had

no idea the first time I toured I was

handed my tour schedule by my agent

right we started the tour in Newan

Landon

Labrador you know where I'm going you

know where we're

going at first I looked at the tour

schedule I thought has he accidentally

given me his sex shop shopping

list the first night of the tour was

indeed in a a place called

[Music]

dildo yes

well sounds like a gentleman with a

dildo

in good on you sir first night the tour

was in dildo second night of the tour

was in a place called spread

eagle third night of the tour was in a

place called Blow Me Down

fourth night of the tour was in a place

called come by

chance I said I don't mind going there

cuz I'm a Gambling

Man as long as we don't end up in

Conception

Bay and then things got worse we we

started traveling across the country we

got to Nova

Scotia yes Nova Scotia first night of

the tour was in a little town called

Ball's

Creek which as you know Ball's Creek is

is just under a place called meat

Cove Ontario is not much better kept

traveling kept traveling got to Ontario

they said we're going to put you up in a

nice little nice little lake house we

can stay away from the big city you can

stay in this place it's a place called

crotch

Lake crotch Lake and as I'm sure you all

know the water from crotch Lake

genuinely comes down from a place called

balls

Falls everyone knows these are real

names right these not just I made up

there's a couple of people going is he

got is he just making them up now no

this is this is this is a geographically

correct comedy routine

then we get to saskatchawan

saskatchawan anyone been to

Saskatchewan beautiful place I was so

happy it was my first time there last

year and I thought they were taking the

piss at first cuz you know I have these

two stupid well- Tred caterpillars above

my eyes right they're always moving

about they're always very prominent in

pictures so when I saw the tour schedule

night number one was in eyebrows to scat

you

on are they taking the piss are they

taking the piss and then I saw the when

I really thought they were taking the

Mickey the next day we were traveling

down a bit to a place called elbow

Saskatchewan elbow s you want you heard

of that but then of course you travel

West and you end up in a place called I

[ __ ] you not Big Beaver saskat

youan been to Big

Beaver been to a few been to a few

of course once you've once you've been

into big be versus skatan there's only

one place to end up isn't there climax

to scat you

on but in order to get there you might

need a bit of help from the people in

finger

Manitoba but of course

as ever as with everything New Brunswick

always wins don't we New Brunswick

always wins right in front of Back Bay

New Brunswick we of course have Beaver

Harbor and the reason Beaver Harbor wins

is because they have the greatest sign

Town name as you drive in have you seen

it have you seen the T Beaver Harbor

beautiful big sign underneath in massive

letters they've put we like to keep our

Harbor

clean but most ingeniously whoever did

it has put the word Harbor in quotation

marks they know they know you like your

beavers clean head to Charlotte

County I will say at the end of the day

it just seems to me like all of these

places were named by someone who clearly

lives in Stoner

BC but I first visited this beautiful

country and this beautiful city 24 years

ago it was the year 2000 right I was in

London and I'd uh just finished

University and I started dating a girl I

was starting to fall in love with her

we've been dating for a few months and

she said to me she said she was from

this place new bunsick I'd never heard

of new bunsick before she told me she

was from place and after a few months of

dating she said you should come to

Canada for Christmas and meet my family

and I said I'd love to I'd love to and

she said okay she said I'll just go home

first and warn them what you're

like and you come a few days later right

so I said perfect fine right so she flew

back right she told me she lived in this

place St John lovely jubly sweet as up

right she flew home I booked a flight

right flew in 19th of December year 20

,000 right flew in got to the airport I

Flo I said I'm here I'm here and she

says I can't see

you and it's a pretty bloody small

airport I was in St

John's I know why are there two places

with almost identical names to [ __ ] with

English

people now at the time and for many

years afterwards I was completely

mortified by this not anymore cuz you

know what they do it on

purpose right it happens all the time

right I'm sure you heard about this last

year a football team a whole so soccer

team right they were supposed to be

flying into St John's new for land and

Labrador for a soccer tournament 20 of

them a whole team their coaches they

flew in right they came to St John New

bunsick instead and they're like why the

[ __ ] there's I was I was at Montreal

Airport a few weeks ago at the gate at

the gate for St John you buns with cuz

you don't make that mistake

twice I'm at the gate and the voice

comes on the loudspeaker it says if

you're flying to St John yub buns the

flight leaves in 10 minutes but if

you're flying to St John's new from

Landon Labrador the gates at the

opposite end of the airport 15 people

got up and started

running they do it on purpose you know

how I know they do it on purpose you

know when you go on the Googles you the

Googles right you when you go on the

Googles right and you type something in

right and you misspell it or you type

the wrong thing right the Googles it

goes are you sure you mean

did you mean right you know full well

that at some point someone in the

technical department or web department

at Air Canada has said o boss should we

add a little feature when someone types

in St John should we should we put you

are you sure you

m did you mean and some evil millionaire

CEO has gone no [ __ ]

way think of the money right it's

totally deliberate it's totally

deliberate it keeps it happens often I

now cuz I've written about this in my

book and I've talked about it on stage I

now cannot go into St John Airport

without someone who works there running

over to tell me of the most recent

instance of this

occurring every time that's how common

it is that's how frequent it happens and

it could be anyone it could be someone

from from Air Canada could be someone in

the cafe last time I went I me to pick

up my wife a few weeks ago worryingly it

was the guy that's supposed to be sat

there watching the X-ray machine

all the bags were going through only one

person doing it right one gate small

airport right it's just going through

he's like yeah what's that a rifle yeah

no problem what's that

yeah looks like a bag of white powder no

problem probably flower right he sees me

he sees me right walking and he's like

oh [ __ ] this James James just just

leaves it right people are just walking

through just walking through just leaves

it which very quickly in brackets I will

say does actually explain why my

favorite news story of all time happens

anyone remember this about 12 years ago

you can Google it CBC it was on CBC a

lady she arrived she she she arrived in

Mexico right at Cancun right she gets

into Cancun as she's coming through the

airport they open up her hand luggage

bag cuz it's been flagged as an issue

they Caitlyn remembers this yeah right

they open up her hand luggage inside

sleeping is her cat

her cat has been sleeping in the bag the

whole time and of course there there in

Mexico at the airport they're like how

the [ __ ] how Earth did you get a C

through security she's like I flew out

of St John Airport they went

ah so there I am right there I am I'm

trying to jump my wife off and he sees

me he's like James and I know what it's

going to be it's always the same thing

it's never not this right it's never not

no shouts my name and it's something

else at the airport it's I know but I

play along right he's like James James

just leaving all the guns and the bombs

going through James cat

meow James James James James and I'm I'm

going what what what and he's going

James James and he gets to me and he

goes we had another one last

night he goes this this arrogant British

bastard got off the plane right he's

swanning through the airport like he

owns the place comes out taxi to George

Street wrong Province

[ __ ] it's beautiful see it's on

purpose they do it on purpose so anyway

I'm no longer embarrassed as embarrassed

because it's a deliberate thing so there

I am but at the time I didn't know this

I'm there in the wrong Province my first

visit to Canada excited to meet my

girlfriend's parents for the first time

the the woman I'm falling in love with I

wanted to make a good impression and I

knew that they weren't that happy about

her dating a British boy right they have

Brits in the family they know what

they're

like so I wanted to make there I am in

the wrong Province I said listen Pam

please don't tell them what's happened I

said you just you just stay there and

I'll just hop on the first direct

flight why would there be a direct

flight from St John's to St John there

could be one but the same evil Million

Air Canada CEO said [ __ ]

that so I connect don't I connect via

Halifax find at St John Airport and but

she's gone she's gone home to tell them

I think right Dad this boy is a

disaster she's gone home and I get to St

John Airport and I think that's great

but you know it's the now it's the 20th

of December year 2000 and you sure some

of you have had the indignity of flying

into St John Airport a Christmas

time you get there don't

you but then you Circle it for about 30

minutes you got how much gas you got in

this thing and then you land in bloody

Frederick

so there I am so I come out get into the

r car I've been traveling for 24 hours

now I'm looking at mess I'm driving

along the GPS tells me I'm 40 minutes

and 30 minutes and I'm trying to must

must some confidence that I can walk in

there and hopefully make a good

impression and and she told me that she

lived you know In This Place St John but

she hadn't told me that where they live

is a

yes place that we all know and love the

Kingston peninsula

a place a beautiful place where

understandably it's it's unspoiled there

and they don't want it spoiled by

Outsiders do they no they could have had

a

bridge they could have had they don't

want a [ __ ] Bridge do they they'd

rather stick to the ferry boat because

they know as soon as they get a bridge

right The Outsiders right the

mainlanders they'll go and stop all

their fun drink driving and incest and

so forth

I didn't didn't have a chance to think

about

that they don't want a bridge but

understand so I knew none of this so I'm

driving along thinking okay I'm 5

minutes away right okay 5 minutes away

right should be there soon should be

there soon then suddenly the land

ends now at this point I think I'm been

caught up in some kind of catfish

scam like this can't be right is Ashton

cook but you're going to jump out if

I've been punked what is this is this

some kind of prank is this something

Canadians do they send you to the wrong

Province and then they pretend planes

can't land and then they send you what

what is it and then I see it in the

distance this fairy boats like something

out of Greek

mythology coming towards me and I'm

looking at this thing I haven't seen

anything like this since since studying

Greek mythology I'm looking at it

thinking how will I get to the other

side I don't have a coin to put under my

hat

oh that is a smart crowd there that is a

Greek mythology joke and more than half

of you got it I'm

impressed yeah tried that in

frederickton last week nothing thick as

[ __ ]

nothing don't report back don't report

back Ashley don't tell everyone at St

Thomas as I said that will you no good

you we're in the circle of trust in here

right we're all friends we're all

neighbors right you know if you don't

like something us say right there's no

point going on the old socials is there

slagging me off the old bitbot lick

loock Twitter X all that [ __ ] right

no just come and just come and tell me

come to my house that's my rest my

address come come on just come and have

a chat right tell me he didn't like it

right I mean I know you're thinking oh

why is he telling his real address I'll

tell you why cuz you all know where I

[ __ ] live

anyway where was I

sidetracked the ADHD kicking in uh yes

fairy Bo thank you Dwayne see he's done

it before right he's done it before he

knows he knows he's my little prom

that's a good call Dwayne um so yes and

there I see this fair and I will tell

you this I have grown to love the ferry

boats right I truly believe the Kingston

Peninsula ferry boats are the most

beautiful way to see the St John river

system it's it's stunning absolutely

gorgeous I am never happier than when

I'm getting on there you know you're

going to this magical place um and just

those views they are absolutely I mean

when I bring British friends to visit

and I take them when they see those

views they cannot believe it's unlike

anywhere else in the world it really is

but at the time I didn't know any of

this and and I will say this I mean on

those subsequent visits and when I that

first visit year 2000 I fell in love

with this place many of you know this I

fell in love with the place the people

instantly and it was like this it was my

happy place straight away and every year

my wife would say where should we go on

holiday and I'd say well you know we

could go here we could go here and I'd

always say I want to go to new barnwick

it's where I feel at home and I would

say like we would come every year but

then every other year after a Long Day's

traveling right we would arrive at the

Grand Bay Westfield ferry boat terminal

and by terminal I

mean

ramp and we get to the ramp right and

there'd be a little sign up there after

few whole days traveling but'll sign up

saying fairy boat's

broken we need to raise another $4

million for another fairy boat $4

million every two years you a d when

bloody Bridges they could have

built and here's an idea right here's an

idea if they're not going to build the

bridge why don't they just get all the

broken fairy boats put them back to back

across the

water we'll drive across the broken

fairy

boats there's a

solution and that ladies and gentlemen

was the very first joke I ever wrote on

Canadian soil as a

median

many many years ago it's an observation

and I got to perform it on a visit here

on a summer visit at the beautiful St

John Theater Company and people laughed

and I went wow people from here like

jokes about here maybe there is

something in that and I would say that

was the gestation of our kind of dawning

realization that we could indeed move

our lives here and that this this all of

this would be would be possible and it's

led to so many things that that joke was

was was the moment but then it led to

something else like last year I got a

phone call had a phone call saying

saying hello is that James mind I said

yes and they said we'd like to book you

for a very prestigious gig uh there's an

audience of about 3,000 uh it's in

gattino Quebec it's a president's dinner

right it's a it's like a an awards Gara

and an AGM all rolled into one I said oh

sounds sounds wonderful what's the

organization they said it's the Canadian

Ferry Association

and I said wow I said that's lovely I

said I'd love to I'll be there it sounds

absolutely wonderful no promise you mind

me asking uh you know why me why me and

they said no problem they said uh most

comedians don't have one joke about

fairy

boats we hear you've got two other the

[ __ ] and I said uh do you mind me

asking who who recommended me and they

said not at all not at all they said

it's the gentleman who drives the ramman

and

fery that

is that is new brunswickers looking out

for new brunswickers right there right

that's how we roll here right we help

each other export our businesses right

it's a beautiful thing I know what

you're thinking you're thinking James he

said you've got two fairy boat jokes

tell us the other one oh go on

then this was one of the first jokes

after after moving here 10 years ago

because uh I I did it on this very stage

uh in the year 2014 because we we got

here and everyone kept saying to me do

you miss anything you must Miss London

and I we were just so happy here that I

couldn't believe why people were asking

that and I had to explain why we weren't

missing that kind of rat race life and

it's wherever you live in England even

if you're in the countryside you're

still kind of traveling to work on these

kind of packed buses and these packed

packed trains and you've got you

everyone's rubbing up against each other

you basically rub up against 50

strangers before you even get to work in

the morning I love the fact that we live

in a province where you can go months if

not years without making physical

contact with another human being that

you're not choosing to make physical

contact with right you know what you

know me sex

sex and I love the fact that we have

that so I couldn't that's why I was

explaining to people that that where I

was from and I was like I come from a

place where you squeeze onto a bus or a

train like this and you squeeze in and

everyone's like this this is considered

like here full means every seat taken

their full means like squeezed in like

sardines and occasionally some like

arrogant rude person will push their way

on when it's already like that and now

you can't breathe now what would then

happen and this is normal British

standard polite etiquette not considered

Rude the person that just got on the

three surrounding them would like look

at each other no talking it's silence

right total silence the any time you

ever hear anyone talk on British public

transport it's always a [ __ ] Canadian

like and generally it's like their first

day as a tourist they come they see this

massive depressed people they're like oh

my God has there been a bomb is this a

right no it's how we live it's how we

live and that is also why I never do

Canadian accents on stage um can't do

them comes out Texan doesn't

it so what you would do You' be squeezed

on and this is standard British this is

normal behavior in England three people

look G on this person squeezes on you

can't breathe what they would do is that

you'd wait till the doors were just

about to shut like you'd hear the and

all three of you at once you'd push the

bastard out like that

right no one would even B an eyelid not

considered rude right the person

themselves wouldn't be bothered they

would just fall back and they'd go yeah

fair

enough I did that to four people

yesterday what of it right I now live in

a place and we all live in a place where

you can wait 5 minutes for the Gondola

Point ferry boat get onto the Gondola

Point ferry boat get halfway across the

water some [ __ ] arrives 5 minutes

late we will go back to get that

person but best of all and most

importantly and crucial to the point of

this story is that every single person

on that boat is thinking yes this is

absolutely the right thing to

do that is why I live here right there

that's it that's it that's

it it's a magical magical place so

anyway I back to the back to the story

so I get I do get onto the ferry we're

back in Christmas 2000 right it's a lot

of the 8 HD is going to take us lots of

places right it's going to take us lots

of places but we're always going to come

back okay right and if I do get lost

Dwayne will help me

out so I fin get the fairy boat over I

finally get to the house right and sure

enough right my then girlfriend now

wife's father he's a traditional

Kingston Peninsula man right a real king

like he he not only did he not want his

daughter dating someone from England he

didn't want her dating someone from all

the way over in ground

Bay let alone the bigger

pond so I go in and they're like and I'm

I'm just this idiot that's gone to the

wrong Province right then gone to the

wrong City then been confused by a fair

boat anyway he's trying so he pulls out

a Trivial Pursuit to play I know and I'm

thinking well I'm good at that I the

movie trivia I'm pretty good at gets it

out right but of course as an ignorant

Brit and this is the unfortunate thing

about the Commonwealth as Canadians we

are very we're very knowledgeable about

the other commonwealth countries but

them less so about us so as he pulls out

Trivial Pursuit I'm like oh great I'm

going to nail this impress him I then

see this terrifying word

Canadian so I'm like oh my goodness so

anyway he asked the first question I

thought maybe I'll be lucky and sure

enough it was one I I thought I knew he

goes name the Canadian Prime Minister I

thought I know this right I wasn't being

factious I wasn't trying to be funny I

genuinely thought I was telling the

truth when I said Seline

Dion do you know what he did he stood up

he just he didn't look at he didn't do

any didn't say anything he just stood up

and just packed the entire game

off slowly meticulously it was just the

most awkward silence you've ever

and you would do this thing where every

time I would say something at the table

right he would just look at Pam be like

there's got to be better fish than this

over there

Pammy got to be better fish than this in

that there London right and he would do

this thing where he would like throw

like the the rod you would mind throwing

the rod and and right do this right go

fishing go fishing in that London Pammy

go fishing right even now 24 years later

if I say something inappropriate which

you know

we we know can

happen I don't have to 24 if I say

something inappropriate at the Easter

table the christas table even to this

day he looks at me looks at her and he

just

goes beautiful you best people in the

world so the next day I'm thinking okay

now is my this is my day to make an

impression this is the time so the next

day we get up and then uh he says he

says right we're going to go into the

big city of St John

the big city of St John I don't know

anything else right I I actually haven't

been there yet I've circled its airport

but I haven't yet been to the big city

right and he says we're going to go to a

pub and I thought oh no oh no oh no cuz

all I know of pubs is what I know from

South London right you go into a South

London pub you're going to get in a

fight somehow like it's just it's just

it's just going to happen right if you

walk into a South London pub and you

accidentally make eye contact with a

Mayan like standing at a bar right you

walk in and just catch his eye he'll be

like you looking at my bird did you

spill my point you want a [ __ ] fight

right as you can see my fighting moves

are

really not up to much my fighting moves

resemble I don't know a weird concoction

of Zumba and

twerking and I don't know what that

looks like but I bet they do it at the

Norton Lions

Club some thinking oh my goodness no I

do not want to get in a fight after all

this I'm trying to make a good

impression I want to win them over but I

thought you know what though James you

know what you've been to enough British

pubs over the years you know the

technique the technique to get around

this and this is a good one for if you

do go to any South London pubs no eye

contact with anyone right that way you

can't get in a fight right no eye

contact means no fight so you walk in

you just don't look around you sit down

you mind your own business and you leave

and I thought okay we're going to this

big city that he call St John we're

going to I'm just going to do that no

eye contact that way I can't get in a

fight can't cause any bother right maybe

I can make a good impression so we get

there we sit down we have a drink I need

the washroom so I'm like okay James eyes

ahead don't look around no eye contact

with anyone lovely jubly go to the

washroom everything's perfect sweet as

enough on my way back don't look around

don't want to cause any bother trying to

make a good impression I didn't notice

there was a man sat there eating a bowl

of pasta with the back of his chair up

like we tell our kids not to do right I

come I don't want to cause any B eyes

ahead don't I knock the back of this

guy's chair his face goes flying forward

into the bow of

pasta the whole table shakes like the

cutlery the Crockery the glass

everything shakes right everyone in the

restaurant turns to look I can feel my

then girlfriend now wife's parents eyes

boring into the back of my head I think

to myself James you've blown it now Ju

Just just take the

punch that way you've not been in a

fight you just took a punch right you

just took a punch as I'm having that

thought the chair ricochets back and he

smashes the back of his head on the

floor that's what they all did the whole

restaurant goes like this and I'm

thinking oh now you've really blown it

now you've done it I and I just thought

you know what James just take the full

beating just take the full beating that

way you've not been in a b you just took

a beating and as I'm having that thought

the guy looks up at me from the ground

face cover imp pastor and goes

sorry I said there and then I said I

could livey

huh and 15 years later our Dream came

true and now it's been 10 years

beautiful God bless you St

John it was a beautiful thing and uh and

I knew now and then I knew there and

then and uh and indeed we waited we

waited uh it was another 14 years 14

years of visiting every single year uh

absolutely falling in love with this

place and uh and finally finally we came

here in 2014 10 years

ago and of course we got here and as I

say everyone was kind of asking like oh

it must be different how are you coping

and and I mean we were just happy we

were just so happy to be here like it

wasn't a surprise the the surprise was

how special it was here and how

welcoming everyone was and we were just

say Obviously there are there are

differences there are things you have to

get used to you know there are certain

things which again I mean people you

know you you expect it but you don't

really realize you don't know what

they're going to be I I'll give you an

example right in England if you went to

someone's house for dinner and they said

to you uh would you like a glass of wine

and you said oh I'd love a glass of wine

thanks very much do you know what they

would do in England right probably same

as everywhere else they would leave the

room and they would come back with a

glass of wine delicious glass of wine no

caveats no butts just a delicious glass

of wine don't work like that here does

it no here in your bunsick you go to

someone's ass for dinner and they say

would you like a glass of wine and you

go oh I'd love a glass of wine thanks

very much there's a sentence they will

say that will make your heart drop and

that sentence is I made it myself

where did homemade wine come from it

doesn't exist anywhere else in the

world i' L I'd literally never heard of

it and every time every year I go back

to England right and I I I I ask if it's

caught on the my first visit back after

moving it right I was like they make

their own wine my M's like what's it

like in New buns I'm like they make

their own wine and my mates are like oh

they all own Vineyards

[Music]

do they have grapes and Fields and

[ __ ] no no it's just some woman in a

basement in Sussex

going smoke blowing out it's like the

beginning of MC

Beth she kept bringing up every 10 years

I go back I keep bringing it up and no

one's ever heard of it in England and

then on my last visit last last year

when I went over to tell my parents

about the ADHD diagnosis and I went

there and they introduced me to like

some friends of theirs and there was a

friend of a there was friend of a friend

basically friend of days I hadn't met

before right and I brought up the

homemade wine thing and uh and this guy

goes oh yeah I've heard of that I've

heard of that I'm like wow you are the

first person I've ever met in England

that's heard of it and he goes well yeah

but to be fair I have just got out of

prison I said oh what what what did you

think of it and he was like no I

wouldn't touch that piss I was only 5

years only the life was drink

that but of course I've been complaining

about this right it was one of the first

things I started talking about that was

one of the first jokes I did when I

moved here and I stupidly stupidly did

it on the cbc's didn't

I yeah you know what happened this was

before I knew right this was before I

knew the one degree of separation

between all of

us right everyone knows everyone before

I knew that right so I st I went on the

cbc's complaining about the homemade

wine for the subsequent few years I

drunk more homemade wine than all of you

put

together cuz every house I went to

people went oh I heard what you said

about the homemade wine James you've got

to

try my homemade

R and they're so proud of it aren't they

they're so and they shouldn't

be every day I was having to say listen

AR Brenda I don't want to drink any of

your just ADW watered poison Kool-Aid

moonshine buy a botton your cheap

bastard

please and they're like oh James call me

oldfashioned if you will right call me

oldfashioned but I'm a big fan of a wine

flavored

wine very popular for centuries hasn't

it Ashley it's been very popular for

centuries but these people they they

think they know better they're like you

must try it James it's a special blend

it's pear and pubic hair

flavor that's the suus special right

that's Theus

special

now the next thing that I wanted to

complain about um I almost didn't I was

I wasn't going to bring it back even for

this kind of celebrate R this T of like

my favorite jokes I thought I can't

bring this up again and you know what

the I have to bring it up again is that

things didn't improve right I thought

that this thing that I used to complain

about 5 six S 8 years ago right I did

videos about it I did stand up about it

I thought you know what my work here is

done right but no it's not cuz then the

pandemic happened and something erupted

from this I am of course talking about

the way in which you and now me all give

directions I thought it was done I

thought I'd s my a piece I thought I've

done that to death it's over and then

the pandemic happened and I was getting

messages every single day sending me

those uh documents that the government

were putting out telling us where

testing stations

were right some of you may have sent I

was literally receiving about a dozen a

day from all over the province all of

these locations where they were doing

covid testing right they these places

they had addresses like actual addresses

but it never said that it just said

things like former zel

building and doesn't mean anything to

newcomers I mean don't get me wrong

right I now know right I now know I have

to I mean you put to put it simply you

need a degree in failed Canadian

businesses just to find your way around

there I met a Ukrainian gentleman at the

YMCA a few weeks ago and he put it

beautifully he' found that video online

he was like James it hasn't improved it

hasn't improved he said I he said I

moved there 2 and a half years ago

everywhere I go people are giving me

directions of where things used to be he

said someone tried to give him

directions and they said you need to

look for the red house he couldn't find

the place he went back and the person

went oh no it's not red

anymore we got to stop this right we got

to stop it but he put it most

beautifully right I see him at the wom a

couple of times a week right and we were

just standing there by by the big

Windows outside he was like James

someone just showed me a video he and he

put it beautifully he said this he said

if you're a newcomer in St John he said

at the end of the day he goes if you

don't know where Sears used to be you're

[Music]

[ __ ] and it's worse in rural areas

isn't it it's even worse I was trying to

find the Sussex driving during the covid

for a gig right trying to find D I got

lost there's no signal in the woods in

the Sussex right and I'm I I saw this

guy he definitely knew his way around

right he was wearing camo I knew he knew

what was what I knew he was knew he was

local right don't know how I could see

him with the camera

anyway I said excuse me mate do you know

the way to the Sussex driveing he goes

yes no problem I thought perfect here we

go swear to God word for word he goes go

to the end of this road turn left at the

tree where Donny crashed his bike in 78

we we we're living in the

past we're living in the past I mean to

this day right i' I've been at 10 years

right I still I still get stopped in the

street by people that go oh it's you you

live in the C's

house pretty sure I live in the

mullinger house

actually been there 10 years crucial

point we didn't buy the house from the

CES they moved out 32 years years

ago but to everyone it's still the cel's

house but you can't not do it yes you

know the celes don't you you know the

celes of course one degree of se but

we've all done it we're all guilty of it

cuz there's no other way someone says to

you where's popey's

chicken where the three mile used to be

what else are we going to

say what else are we going to say and

it's the same we do we like to live in

the past it's like those those roads

that you used to take before the

highways right those roads they all have

names right but you have all decided

just to name all of them the same thing

The Old

Road The Old Road how are we getting to

Hampton today should we take the old

road how's a [ __ ] name you know it

has a name the old how we get to Sussex

let's take the old

road the old has a how are we going to

get to ground Bay should we take the

highway or go past the marina let's take

the old road it's like a thousand old

roads they all have their actual

names I was just letting that laugh die

out for the audio recording because I

want to very quickly say in Brackets

that That Old Road joke my 13-year-old

son Hunter wrote that joke and and it

has never been

performed

anywhere uh it's never been performed

anywhere outside of our car he he he

told me that joke and I said I'm not

sure if I can remember it I'm not sure

if it would it would work and I thought

I'll give it a go and uh so God bless

you Hunter I'm happy you got to hear

your joke stor it in front of uh really

there we go the old Road we're taking it

on the road Tyler we're taking it on the

road beautiful okay Dwayne Dwayne where

am I uh oh yes okay so yes thank you yes

so it came to a head for me this whole

Direction I I I realized that things

were bad um I was i' been here a few

years and I was lost and I found myself

lost at uh Lancaster

moall we all know Lancaster

more I if you don't know Lancaster more

if you're knew just picture the all in

the film Dawn of the

Dead but imagine it with a lot more

zombies in

it so I was lost I saw a lady she looked

like she knew her way around it look

like she'd been living at the mall for

some time I said excuse me excuse me

excuse me Madam do you know the way to

this flooring come she said yes no

problem what she goes yes I thought I

came safe hands here right word for word

this is what she says she goes

do you know where zeelas used to

be now do I look I just I just got here

I was fresh off the boat do I do I look

or sound like I know where zelas used to

be it was 200 I didn't even know what a

[ __ ] Zeal

was I mean I now know thanks to my

degree in failed Canadian

businesses that the building in question

the building to which she was referring

was actually behind where I was

standing right behind right you know

what I'm talking about and of course it

would make perfect sense to say where Z

you if we're talking about like a an

empty building with an old zal sign

swinging off it right that would make

sense no no no it's now what I believe

to be a fairly well-known established

chain called bloody

Walmart she could see the Walmart sign

in the periphery of her vision but she

still calls it where used to

be now I am so flamu and throned by this

I think you know what I'm new I've got

to get on stage tonight I've got to talk

about this so I went to Uptown St John

to a ComEd yuck yucks in St John yuck

yucks well where

where where yuck yucks used to be thank

you see it's not just musicians that can

do sing alongs is

it I've been doing this joke long enough

we can do [ __ ] comedy karaoke any day

of the week where

Ze beautiful eat that in arer Happy

Days beautiful so I get to yuck Yu and

I'm on stage and I get to this point in

the story where zeel used to be yes yes

it's actually good good

work and a lady at the back of the room

stands up quite angry right quite

perturbed and she goes well she's

obviously not a true new bunso I said

why is that she said cuz if she was she

would have said it's where Kmart used to

be

beautiful

beautiful the other thing I uh I really

struggled with when I got here was the

word differences cuz you know you

Canadians are very well-versed in

British vacular aren't you because

you've all studied the works of Downtown

Abby and Coronation

Street but I the only thing I had ever

watched before moving here of Canadian

I've embraced every facet of Canadian

culture since moving here but the only

thing I'd ever seen before coming here

was was Trailer Park

Boys yeah which is really only useful if

you are moving to Sussex so

um complaints on a

postcard um so and you know most of them

like you say sidewalk in England it's

the pavement you say a trunk of the car

in England it's the boot uh you kind of

know all these different uh words the

one I didn't know right was that these

trasers trasers right trasers you call

these pants don't you right well in

England pants are the

Underpants

yeah that made my first doctor's

appointment pretty awkward

[Music]

it it was my first week living here 10

years ago my first week living here and

I went to see my wife's family doctor

for Life Dr Daniel

Scott grand baby I I know I know I know

you all know Dr D I'll keep using his

real name till the lawsuit plays

out Dr Daniel's got granday Westville

doctor sty went to see him a first week

wife's family doctor for Life went to

see him first week about my injured knee

I've had an injured knee for a long time

went see my injured knee he said uh take

off your pants I'll be back in a

minute thought that's a bit

OD why is he got to get in all this

malar and then I thought well it is my

first appointment since moving here

maybe he's got to do the full

checkup right you know Dwayne knows what

I'm talking about the uh annual tappy

tappy I don't know if everyone is aware

that once a year gentleman we have to

once you hit 40 we have to go in once a

year and the do they'll get us to strip

off and they'll they'll try and put us

at

ease it don't

work they'll say something they think

think is innocuous and slide they'll be

like are you going on holiday this year

and every man in the world does the same

thing

they I don't

know she might have book some in I don't

know and at thata Point the doctor goes

tap tap on the testes you know with the

testes really quick and we go like it's

a little treat it's a little treat

especially we married a long time it's

the highlight of your

year so I thought he's got to do the

tapy tappy so I thought that makes sense

first appointment so I take off matzes

as I would call them or pants as you

would call them and my Underpants as you

would call them or pants as I would call

them now I'm waiting for him to come

back in and I realize at this point that

I'm wearing quite a long

t-shirt now obviously this is a a clean

show but for the sake of the context I

need to explain that what's underneath

the

T-shirt isn't very long

I mean I was think why my's heading in

this but it's like Dr Daniel Scott's

probably told everyone this anyway as

revenge for this

routine so so the reason I'm telling you

that it's important is that I thought it

it it like if he comes in for the tap

tap quick like they like to do like tap

tap right it's probably going to slow

things down

if I have to kind of like reach down and

pick up the T-shirt

like it's going to slow things down and

we might B heads like we might go in for

the the right then I'm like spayed on

the floor of a stranger of this first

week living in a new country right I'm

only telling you this to justify why I

did what I did

next I thought I'll make life easy for

Dr Scott I'll take my t-shirt off as

well

[Music]

good so now I'm

standing completely naked well

I say completely naked I I kept me socks

on it's important to maintain some

dignity in these situations right so I

don't know if you've ever stood naked

wearing nothing but your socks in a

stranger's

office jet lag tired living in a new

country but um you feel a bit

exposed and I'm not really a confident

man off stage and at least the one snow

I was like I feel a bit exposed and I I

didn't know what to do and I'm looking

around I'm like he probably doesn't want

me sitting in his

chair and then the only other thing in

the room is that weird like butcher

chopping

board with the paper on it what is that

what is it how much meat are they

chopping in there what's the meat

they're chopping I don't anyway so um I

can't decide I I can't figure out so I

think I know what I'll do I feel exposed

I'm just going to turn turn around and

face the wall like

this so so when he comes in it's just my

bottom right nothing rude or offensive

about a bottom is there you can see a

bottom in a PG movie right and so what I

figured is when he comes in he'll see

he'll see my

bottom and I'll just do something really

normal and UNCC creepy like this I'll

just go

makes perfect sense

right glad you agree so I'm stand I'm

facing the wall for some time right he's

gone for ages I don't know where he's

gone right you know what I thought cuz I

just moved here and I discovered that

most of us in St John we have like two

hustles I'm like is he got another

job is he like working at like

Revolution Hair across the way is he

doing a blow dry and but I didn't know

but so I keep looking around he's 10

minutes he's not I keep looking around

trying to catch a glimpse of him anyway

one of these looks around just by chance

I I catch a glimpse of myself in a

mirror over

there and it turned out that rather than

looking kind of koi and shy as I'd hoped

I actually just looked a bit

flirtatious as if as if when he came in

I was planning to do something like

uh hey

Doc didn't expect you to show up ow

so thank you thank I'm glad that went

down I'll try that at home tonight see

how that goes seems to be a winner oh

what was it Dwayne have to remind me

later what I

did so I think I can't do that I I look

too flirtatious I thought I'll turn I'll

just turn around and face I'll just do

this and I'll do the classic the

favorite we've all done it English moon

on a

beach now um eventually when I'm

standing there and I feel comfortable

with this right now I have no idea why I

did what I did

next I I hear the footsteps coming

towards the door now obviously he's not

expecting to see any of

this unbeknownst to me now I don't know

why he does I mean I'm I I'm I'm I'm

maybe I'm jetlagged I'm tired I've moved

to a new country and I've I've moved

here and I'm happy to be here but

everyone I've met has greeted me not

with welcome or greetings everyone has

just said why the [ __ ] did you move

here and then when they asked what I did

for a living and I said I'm a comedian

everyone went oh no

no no nothing to laugh about in your

buns workor no you got got to go out

west if you want to do the jokey jokes

jokes and jobs that way right so maybe I

was trying to be funny and that's how

much I instantly I wanted to we wanted

our children to live with I thought I

was going to have to give up this job

that I love just to give my children a

new bunsick upbringing so God bless all

of you by the way for continuing to come

out and support this

thing um but I think that was it maybe I

was trying to be funny I don't know all

I know is as the footsteps come towards

the door him completely not expecting

any of this me I have no idea why I did

it all I know is as the door opened I

did this

[Music]

yes to this day I am banned from Dr

Scott's

office and I will tell you this I

actually um was so embarrassed by this

true story I started going back to on my

annual visit to visit my parents

I was going to my old doctor in London

for my tappy

tappes until obviously Co hit like that

was so so embarrassed I can't go towhere

else I just go back to England when I go

back I'll get my tap Taps down there

then of course Co and then I had to have

the bloody tappy tapies via

Zoom I will offer if I may may make this

an instructional evening as well a

little word of advice if you do find

yourself in the unfortunate predicament

of teabagging a laptop

I highly recommend ensuring you have

correctly exited the teams meeting you

were just

in word of

advice and my eldest son he he had it

hardest right he had you know again

because there's so many words like I

mean I'm sure my my son his first day of

Junior kindergarten right he did not

know he Wasing doing any any home I

don't if you know that the word the word

that you have uh you call it an eraser

but in England we call an eraser a

rubber and I know that hero robber is a

prophylactic actic right yeah he had no

idea first day of JK he puts his hand up

and says to the teacher in front of the

whole class Excuse Me Miss can I borrow

your

rubber that's what she did she laughed

and looked horrified and then he made it

worse when he when I don't want to make

a

mistake now 10 years here 10 years

making jokes about the word differences

and all these things I would have

thought that by now you would have all

briefed me on all the different words

but no you like to mess with me don't

you there was a word that I only just

learned right before Christmas a few

months back right it's a word that has a

very different meaning in England to

here you might not yes you know in

England this TFT of hair in England is

called a

quiff it's true it's absolutely true you

can Google it if you Google the quiff it

doesn't say are you sure it says are you

sure you mean Elvis's

quiff did you mean Elvis has a nice

quiff right that's what it says but I

know here it

means further

down somewhere near big Beav a

Saskatchewan means something else here

the Qui right I had no idea no one told

me I had no idea 10 years I managed to

get by without knowing right just this

was always so then right before

Christmas my wife and I at the

hairdressing salon right she's having

her hair done down this end right we're

going to a 70s themed fancy dress party

right it's like a Christmas party 70s

themed right her hairdresser Chris is

doing the hair right there's people in

every chair all the way along I'm sat

here reading a magazine right Chris

shouts down the salon he shouts loud

he's like James James what you think

what should I do 70s party what you

think what should I do what should I I

shout back uh

70s why don't you give her a nice

quiff that's what they all

did the entire L they're all burst out

laughing I've got no idea why I'm like

what's so funny about that why you all

laughing why you laughing about Chris to

be fair ingenius you know your buns

you're the funniest people in the world

without missing a beat he goes doesn't

she have one

already Classy Touch Classy Touch so I'm

there and they love it and then of

course they explain to me that here it

doesn't

mean lad is fun and and I'm obviously

mortified embarrassed right and then it

hits me like a ton of bricks that for

months if not years at that point I've

been doing a joke on the road not the

best joke I don't do any it was a joke

where I basically say quiz pamis lovely

place but a terrible name because you

can't say it without sounding drunk

right you get you get pulled over by the

cops so were you were you speeding no

were you drinking no where'd you live qu

panis get in the

van not the best joke that's why I

dropped it right it's not in the show

but I would do that joke on the road and

wherever I did it anywhere in the

maritimes after the gig people would

come up to me and they'd

go you said uh you said quid Pam sis I'm

like Y and they said do you know what we

call it and I've been thinking well I

know what you call it cuz I hear this

night after night but I don't know why

it's funny but I so I just play along i'

be like no what do you call it and

they'd go kiss Pam's

quiff kiss pams quiff and I'd go what

fun

was funny about kissing the TFT of

hair didn't get it and then it hit me

like a ton of bigs then of course what

made it even more funny is that my

wife's name is bloody

Pam and yes I

have my favorite joke too

beautiful I will say I amum one of my

favorite

um things was of course you know when we

got here you know it is a difficult

decision to make to leave your life

behind and leave a leave everything

you've built behind and but two things

happened on the week we were leaving

London that made me realize we were

making the right decision uh the first

one crucially was there was uh we were

flying on the Thursday on the Sunday

night there was a a drug murder on our

road in London two doors down and I

don't mean like new burnswick two doors

down like down the rad I mean two doors

down like between here and that curtain

right and uh so there was a drug on the

Sunday night someone was murdered on the

Monday morning the police found the body

and in the walls of the house they found

half a million pound worth of cocaine I

know so whoever did the murdering good

at murdering not very good at looking

for

[ __ ] that happens on on Su Monday uh so

literally meters away from where my

children are sleeping and then on the on

on the Tuesday a mob boss who fled

Sicily in the 1970s but this is a true

story you can look it up we lived on

langid road a mob boss he left Sicily in

1970s and I don't mean just a mafioso he

was like Deo deao D Tutti to Capo like

the boss of bosses fled Cy set up a new

identity lived undetected for 40 years

right on the FBI's most wanted list he

was finally captured after all those

years on the run and and sent back to uh

Sicily for those huge mob trials and it

was just big news all over the world um

these two very extreme very depressing

and very dark stories is neither of them

were deemed extreme enough to make the

front cover of my local

newspaper right this was just and I

don't mean like the whole of London

paper I mean the South London press that

probably covered about 70 to 80 streets

there was so much awful depressing crime

and terrible things happening that this

this very extreme things were like reneg

to like page 16 and 17 mob boss drug

murder so much awfulness and I thought

I'm so glad we we're leaving I cannot

bring up my children in a place where

this is not considered news so we we we

flew on that first day and had a smile

on my face and a spring in my step

knowing we were starting our new life

and we arrived at at St John Airport and

it [ __ ] landed so I was just

like we are winning at

life and then we drove to our new home

we got to our home I say our home the

cely

house and on the door step was the uh

the newspaper of new buwick uh the

telegraph journal and I was very

confused at first why it was wrapped in

a blue

[Music]

condom and I ripped it open and the so

happy new life New Beginning safe place

and the and the headline on the front

page of the TJ said crime wave in St

John I went oh no not here too and then

underneath in massive letters it said 50

chickens

[Music]

stolen I said we are staying put this is

the place for us

beautiful

um and then of course the the newspapers

became fewer and far between and now it

comes out every few weeks and it's

there's no news so now we exist on

rumors here don't we we exist on rumors

and some rumors it's funny you move here

and you get told rumors and they seem

silly and they tell so when I first

moved to everyone's like oh did you know

James did you know that everyone that

lives in K Park is a

Wier right everyone in C is constantly

[ __ ] each other's Partners everyone

just swapping right right and then you

think oh that sounds ridiculous and then

you realize it's

true my my favorite rumor that I have

come across cuz I I was tagged on this

on Twitter and it led me to a Reddit

threat some again I moved it 10 years

ago I I made quite a you know I like to

talk about how much I like it here I

believe that if you appreciate app

something you appreciate a person you

should tell them if you appreciate a

place and I liked telling people how

much I loved it here I was quite vocal

about that I was introduced to a Reddit

thread where someone had come up with a

theory that was being backed up by

numerous other conspiracy theorists that

wait for it my wife and I were hired by

the new bunsick government to move here

and pretend to like living here for free

money

what a gig what a gig that would be also

do they really think our government is

smart enough to come up with such a

brilliant

idea but this was the belief and there

was all these theories it's like yes

they're a Sleeper Cell man is like The

Manchurian candidates right so I wake up

in the morning and just like Blaine

Hicks fix a switch on my back it's

really good

here I really like it

here it was amazing we were sleep as s

someone compared us to like the ker

Russell show The Americans that we're

here we're using Soviet brainwashing

techniques to convince new buns workers

into thinking it's actually a good place

to live right and I saw all this and I

thought wow how low is our self-esteem

in new buns workor there are two people

move here one of which is from here but

we move here and I fall in love with the

place the people start telling people

how much I love it and everyone in new

bunsick goes no [ __ ] way

but it's not always been pain sailing I

mean when I first got here I was I again

I was told there'd be no comedy work

here so I went on the road and I

remember doing a show I I was determined

to promote how one how much I loved it

here from the get-go and my first year

here I did was on the road constantly I

was in Montreal for about 6 weeks doing

just like dozens and dozens of shows

sometimes three shows a night it was

absolutely exhausting and the the

Montreal Gazette newspaper came to do a

feature on me and the front page of the

newspaper came out and they taken a

quote I just said and the headline said

James mullinger is living the dream in

St John and I'm like that's got to be a

good thing right that's got to be maybe

when I get back to St John maybe maybe

I'll be better received now right and I

got back here like yeah everyone see the

look that look at that people were

messaging me from Vancouver going never

thought of going to St John we're going

to go I'm like this has got to be good I

get back here walking around Uptown no

turns out everyone here slagging me off

going he doesn't live in St John he

lives in [ __ ] Ros

what's with the divisions and

boundaries everyone's so it's like South

African area

aptide right and I'm like oh my God I

thought we lived in St John I was when

the Ros Road I'm like yeah but Ros

Avenue is on St John she's like yes but

we're but we're we're like a f minute

walk from the Ros border I'm like well

where's K Park and she goes well that's

that is in theory St John but they

didn't want to be St John cuz they're

too busy swinging so they insisted

they're

Ros but they really sent I'm like well

how anyway so I'm like oh my goodness

well it's good to know where we live

right change the address labels might

start getting some mail right few weeks

later I'm walking down the street right

a lady sees me and she goes yeah it's

you it's you the comedian yeah yeah

where did you live where did you live

where did you live and I said well C out

but uh but I said I said I thought I

lived in St John turns out I live in

Rossy and she goes Ross

Ross cuz that that's how they talk there

the

old the old God it's a vocal intonation

brought on by extreme wealth and

[Music]

incest you know where to find me you

know where to find me she goes wh when I

said well I live in between the warf and

the golf course and she goes you don't

live in Ross you live in renforth where

the [ __ ] do I

live how's anyone supposed to keep up

right and I is it helpful right going on

the road anyway so I'm like okay changed

the labels again went forth and then I

got booked for some gigs on the Pula and

I go there and I'm doing a show in a

Vineyard and I'm chatting with the owner

and it turns out he was the mayor of

renforth and he says where'd you live

and I said I thought it in St John but

then I thought in Ross turns out I live

in rfor and he goes

renforth you Liv there too long it rubs

off on you right he say wh I said well I

live in between the WF and the golf

course and he goes you don't live in

rfor you live in East

Riverside why are there 50 different

names for the same p no one dare say

kingshurst okay and and I'm like what do

you mean I live in East Riverside I

don't live in a [ __ ] dog walking Park

what are you talking about and how's

this helpful how's this helpful like if

I go on the road and promote East the

headline James maners living the dream

in East Riverside and people are going

we should visit there and there's no

airport

in in East Riverside say dog walking

Park it's not um right I don't know all

I know is right all I know is when I

moved here I flew into French Village

Airport

well I will leave you with this my

friends uh this has been um so much fun

um as I mentioned last year was my first

time uh touring finally uh with one of

these in my pocket uh which was truly a

blessing greatest feeling in the world

knowing that I could stay in this

beautiful part of the world forever I

stay here with all of you and um and it

and it just it just made me truly happy

and I will say that you know it was a

dream come true to become a Canadian um

but I've had another dream from when I

was very from that very first visit that

very first visit in 2000 I might have

gone to the wrong Province right I might

have got confused by the fairy boats but

I had a different dream CU it was that

trip when I fell in love with the place

I couldn't believe it when I was walking

around up town when the guy said Sorry

For Me Knocking him off and we're

driving up so to speak

and

slip that's what she said and we are

walking don't have time don't have time

to think it's um and I fell in love with

the place and I had a dream back then I

had a dream that that one day one day I

might live here but crucially one day I

might be considered to be a new buns

wicker right I was aware that that was

the greatest

honor of all because it's a it's a

unique compliment right to be in new

finlander they have it all built it's a

ceremony right people can just walk into

Newland and become a Newland right you

just go in they got the sermon you drink

a horrible drink and you have sex with a

card right and then you're

in that's what they made me do anyway um

but to be in your bus takes a bit more

time well I've met War Brides that are

still working on getting the title of

new bus right and I know you you know

what it takes to get a a Canadian

passport right you fill out forms uh you

write a check for a few hundred bucks

you have to do a test that involves

learning the answers to questions that

none of you could

answer I did a competition actually when

I had my citizenship test at the same

time as TK Hadad the the the here from

the Hadad family Peace by chocolate CEO

and founder amazing amazing he is a

genius a wonderful man wonderful friend

so we had a contest who could get the

most he he is a genius he got 20 out of

20 right I got 19 out of 20 and I only

got one wrong right and the one I got

wrong uh rather stupidly with the

question was actually uh who is the

Canadian head of statee and I again I'll

sure you all know it's actually the

king/ Queen of England I had no idea I I

put Justin Trudeau I thought it was the

Prime

Minister I know but I did take some

satisfaction and made sure that my

father-in-law knew that 24 years later I

finally got that [ __ ] Trivial Pursuit

question

right it all comes full circle but I me

to say that that's what that takes right

that's what it takes but to become buser

takes a lot longer I'm aware of that but

I've got the rule book I've got the

manual I know exactly what I need to do

and I'm going to do everything I can

within my power so that in 5 years or 10

years or 20 years you see me walking

down the street and rather than saying

there's that comedian with the stupid

eyebrows that that that flashed at poor

old Dr Scott and went to the wrong

Province and knocked that poor guy off

his chair right there's that there's

that comedian I want you to see me and

go the new buns right and I know it's

going to take time but I know what I

need to do and I'm to do everything I

can within my power to make that happen

I'll be honest with you my friends I

actually want to make homemade

wine I want to make homemade wine out of

a blue plastic barrel that I stole

before the pul mill shut

down I want to drive a four-wheeler on a

highway the wrong

way I want to wear head to- toe

camouflage just to go to Tim

Hortons I want to think it's perfectly

acceptable to pick up women at the

Irving big

stop I want to buy everything I need

from Kajiji

and sell it on

Marketplace I want to wear my pajamas to

Walmart I want to have seven cars on my

property when only two sort of

work I want to share a stage with the St

John Youth

[Applause]

Orchestra I want to randomly put French

words into a sentence and call it

Shia St John you ladies and is they

really

[Music]

here I want to pretend that the

reversing falls are actually worth

visiting as an Englishman living in St

John I want to live in a place I can

finally feel proud of my

te I want to into Costco using my

Blockbuster

card I want to leave my used mattress on

the side of the

road I don't want to buy my fish from

soes I want to buy out the back of a

pickup truck in a parking lot of where

zelas used to be my name is James minger

and I am a new brunswicker thank you all

very very much indeed for coming out

tonight please give it up for

sasz and the St John Youth

Orchestra can we bring up the lights so

the kids can s joh Youth Orchestra can

see ladies and Gentlemen please give it

up for the St John Youth

Orchestra world class talents right here

in our city but of course we've got

these world class talents here on stage

with us who would like one more

song and it can only be the New

Brunswick song Please welcome Ethan Ash

back to the

stage take your seats New Brunswick song

featuring Ethan Ash and the St John

Youth Orchestra and please let me just

tell you uh what an absolute Joy it has

been working with these world class

musicians say El smad and John fiser at

the cental new hoyra are literally just

God

please um we can keep the let's keep the

lights up for this can we keep the

lights up beautiful you guys comfortable

with that would you like to see everyone

beautiful Happy Days okay um perfect the

new bunsick song coming

up this was a ridiculous dream that I

had that this would that we would do

this and sayar and John and at the same

made this happen and these these

incredible artists they are all talents

from our own city right here in St John

amazing amazing

Orchestra we good here we go let's do

this if you know the new bunsick song

sing along my

friends well I was living in England I

was getting so tired and I wanted to

move

away with my kids and my wife we packed

up our lives and we were on the plane

the next day am I moving to Roth say R

and forth quam or

KV told my friends I'd moved to St John

the one with the AI

n but it's

so Australians around here they're

asking why the hell I

came we drunk all the time on the

homemade wine but I wouldn't change a

thing oh new new new BRS with the place

that I

adore I live in a place where I now feel

safe and you can leave open your front

door oh new new new

brwi the place in I go

home but man was strange with your funny

ways but I love you even

more well I've been here a while and

it's taken some time to realize things

don't translate the same and I stripped

in Dr Scott and quiff is not what it

means back in the

UK and it's been a learning curve and

homemade wine it burns on the way out

the very next day and some people were

annoyed that a poppish British boy

turned up and said St John is

[Music]

best but it's

so strange around here they're asking

why the hell I

came drunk all the time on the homemade

wine but I wouldn't change a

thing oh new new new Bron week the place

that I

adore I live in a place where I now feel

safe and you can live open your front

door oh new new new front week the place

that I go

home but man you are strange with your

funny ways and I love you even

more everything is either way where it

was or used to

be first you killed Zas now you killed C

your directions they still confuse

me where's H&M where Target used to be

hey I came here for a better life and I

found a home and all of you thank you

in new new New Brunswick

new new new bronze

week new new new bronze week new new new

bronze

we new new bronze we the place that I

adore I live in a place where I now feel

safe you can leave open your front door

oh new new new BR t

the place that I go

home but may was strange with your funny

ways when I love you even

more ladies and Gentlemen please let's

hear it one more time for Mr Ethan

Ash everyone here at the Imperial

theater says us where as John fer and

last but not least the amazing St John

Youth

[Music]

Orchestra I've been James minger you

have been wonderful St John I will see

you same place same time next year love

you very much let's do it one more time

the St John Youth Orchestra please

follow them go and see them live we are

truly blessed to have this talent in our

city you've been amazing we're very

privileged love you guys give it up for

Tyler as well good night thank you very

much good night one more time St John

Youth Orchestra and good night

[Music]

St John Youth Orchestra ladies and

[Music]

gentlemen thank you ladies and gentlemen

means a

lot thank you thank you