Original subtitles

Another Gestapo patrol.

- What kind of fuel is that truck carrying, Colonel?

- According to the underground,

it's experimental fuel for jet aircraft.

- If that truck got through to Berlin,

it could change the whole course of the war.

- Right... All right, let's move out.

- Colonel, do you think there's a chance

we might be able to get the formula for this jet fuel?

- No way, only one German scientist knows it.

- Well, maybe we could get ahold of his papers.

- He keeps the formula in his head.

- That's what I call a bit of bad luck, sir.

- No, it's good luck. - How's that, sir?

- He's riding in the truck with the fuel.

- That's what I said, sir. That's what I call

a bit of good luck, let's go.

More Krauts, hit the dirt.

Newkirk, would you get your leg off my hip?

You're always complaining.

I'm not complaining,

that's where I'm carrying the dynamite.

- Might've told me, Carter!

- It's not even fused yet.

I just wanted to see the look on your face.

- I hope you're not carrying any dynamite in your nose,

'cause that's where I'm gonna punch you.

All right, let's go.

- Take it easy. - Yeah.

- LeBeau? - Yeah.

- This plunger's the trigger.

Don't release it until you get on up

to the bottom of the bridge.

- Okay.

- Watch it, that's it.

Got it?

- Newkirk, watch the other side.

- Yes, sir.

- Carter, you sure this is gonna work?

- I got it all figured out, sir.

- Hold it.

Okay.

- Here's how it's gonna work.

Now the vehicle that's carrying the fuel

is a 1 1/2 ton truck, right? - Right.

- Therefore, I've set this trigger,

so that only a vehicle of that weight

can set off the charge.

- Right.

- Now then, the truck's gonna come this way tomorrow

between 1:30 and 1:45.

Therefore, I calculate the exact number

of hours and minutes between now and then,

so that I can set this precision timer perfectly.

- And you've calculated it to the exact second?

- Oh, right. - Good.

- Oh there's one thing, Colonel.

- What?

- I forgot my watch.

- Right, go get in the tunnel.

- All right, Kinch, radio the underground.

Tell them we mined the bridge. - Right.

- Any chance they might suspect us, Colonel?

- When that bridge blows, we'll be back in camp.

We haven't missed a roll call yet.

Where's Carter?

- He was there a minute ago.

Leave it to him to make a mess of things.

- Go ahead, LeBeau.

Where have you been?

- I went to the wrong tree trunk.

- Carter, did you ever feel

that you were in the wrong line of work?

- Well, I once seriously considered becoming a doctor.

- Oh, good choice.

Brain surgeon? - Yeah.

- Get in the tunnel.

- Want some coffee? - Yeah, sure.

How about this?

- Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it!

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

Back, back, back, back, back.

Sit down, and behave,

or you won't get any mail.

- Let's go. - They're not your letters.

- Oh Colonel Hogan!

- Thanks, Schultz. - Come on, Schultzy.

- Sergeant Kinch.

- Is there one for me? - Thanks.

- Corporal LeBeau.

- Mm, I can tell by the scent

it's from my Paulette in Bordeaux.

- Smells to me like aftershave lotion.

- Where do you expect her to get perfume?

We're at war, you know.

Got anything for me, Schultzy?

- Newkirk.

- Oh thanks, old boy.

- Here, Hansen.

Saunders.

Sergeant,

Sergeant Little Deer Who Goes Swift and Sure Through Forest?

- You're kidding.

- That's what it says.

- That's me.

- You're Little Deer Who Goes Swift and Sure Through Forest?

- That's right.

- I think he's just broke his hoof.

- If I were you, Little Deer,

I'd stay out of the woods during the hunting season.

- All right, have your little joke.

- I didn't know you had Indian blood, Carter.

- Oh sure, we're from the Sioux Indians.

My great grandfather fought with Sitting Bull.

- Oh you mean, you are real Indian,

like in the movies?

- Schultz has got some Indian blood, too.

- He's got natural rhythm.

- Hey, Little Deer, who's the letter from, Pocahontas?

- Happens to be from my cousin in North Dakota.

- What is his name?

- Angry Rabbit Who has Thorn in Cottontail.

- That'd make anybody angry.

- This is wunderbar!

I always wanted to meet a real life Indian.

Oh, I can hardly wait to tell it to my wife.

Oh by the way, Colonel Hogan,

Colonel Klink wants to see you in his office.

- All right, Schultz.

- Goodbye, chief.

- What does your cousin say, Carter?

- Oh, I'm glad he's feeling better.

- Come in, come in, come in.

- You wanted to see me, Colonel Klink?

- Yes, Hogan.

I want your men to prepare a barracks

- for 12 new American prisoners. - I don't think it's in our deal

to provide you with maid service.

- Hogan, these are your countrymen.

I should think that you would be delighted

to want to make things comfortable for them.

- Oh, I'll see that each one of them

has a pipe and slippers by his bunk, then.

- Your sarcasm does not impress me, Hogan.

- When are they arriving?

- The prisoners are due to leave Wiesbaden in a few minutes.

They will be here between one and two o'clock.

- We'll have it ready, Commandant.

You did say Wiesbaden, didn't you?

- That's right.

- And they'll have to cross over the Dusseldorf River?

- Yes.

- By way of the Hammelburg Bridge?

- Why are you so interested from which way they're coming?

- I want to make sure they come by the scenic route.

There's nothing like a nice drive

down the Dusseldorf in a staff car.

- They happen to be coming in a truck.

- Oh, I have to hand it to Burkhalter.

He's done it again.

- He's done what again?

- It's obvious this is another one of Burkhalter's schemes

to get you, Colonel.

- May I remind you, Colonel Hogan,

that General Burkhalter has only the highest

admiration and respect for me?

And he's sending these prisoners to me

because he knows that I'm the finest commandant

of any German prison camp.

And what do you think his scheme is?

- It's the same old story.

He wants to make you look bad.

He wants to break your perfect record of no escapes.

- But what has this got to do with it?

- 12 new prisoners with the same old understaffed,

overworked stir crazy guards.

- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

- 12 new prisoners, 12 more chances of escape.

Burkhalter's getting better odds every day.

- Perhaps I should call him.

Fraulein Hilda, get me General Burkhalter

on the phone at once. - I like a man of action, sir.

- I saw through Burkhalter's scheme all along.

- You've got to get up pretty early in the morning

to fool Colonel Klink.

- General Burkhalter, this is Colonel Klink speaking.

General Burkhalter, I must insist

that the 12 new American prisoners

be sent to another stalag at once.

Please General Burkhalter, try to understand.

We are already overcrowded here.

My guards are understaffed and overworked.

- Don't forget the stir crazy bit.

- And we're going stir crazy, sir.

What's that?

No sir, I do not speak Russian.

Yes sir, Russian.

It was merely a suggestion, General Burkhalter.

I assure you, 12 new prisoners won't be any trouble at all.

As a matter of fact, sir,

may I suggest that you send me 40 or 50 more?

I will welcome them with open arms, sir.

Yes sir, only 12 prisoners, yes sir.

Well, General Burkhalter, it has been absolutely wonderful

having this little chat with you.

Heil Hitler.

Prepare for 12 new prisoners.

They'll be here within two hours.

And Hogan!

Dismissed.

- Hilda, what kind of a truck are the new prisoners coming in?

- A German truck.

You see, all the good trucks have been sent-

- I know that. What size?

- A 1 1/2 ton truck.

But, I shouldn't be telling you this.

- Don't feel bad,

you're not giving comfort and aid to the enemy.

- Hey, come on Carter, show us how to do the dance.

- Why don't you two just knock it off?

- But we want you to help us with the rain dance.

- Yeah, if it rains we won't have to go outside

and do those ruddy exercises.

- We Sioux aren't too much on rain dances.

Massacres are more our style.

And if you two fellas will wait

until I get through carving this old bow and arrow,

I'll be happy to give ya a little demonstration.

- That's not very nice. - Oh come on, Carter.

Be a sweet Sioux.

- All right, fellas, gather round.

- Something the matter, Colonel?

- Now don't tell me old Klink's on the war path.

Nothing personal, Carter.

- I just found out a group of American prisoners

is crossing the Hammelburg Bridge in a truck

between 1:30 and 1:45.

- Hey, if they cross that bridge before that fuel truck,

they're gonna be blown sky high.

- Exactly.

- One of us had better get out there

and de-mine that bridge.

- Yeah, and since this is broad daylight,

this is a job that calls for the little old lady.

Do uh...

you think you're up to the job, Frau Newkirkburger?

- I'll not only de-mine the bridge,

but I may stay around and try and find

a rich old widower meself.

- What are you doing, old woman? - Excuse me, Sergeant.

I wonder if you could give an old lady a ride.

- Are you out of your mind?

This vehicle is for military use only.

- I was a nurse in the last war.

Lady, please.

- I was a personal nurse of Kaiser Wilhelm.

- Lady, I cannot- - Oh, the Kaiser.

It was more than just a nurse-patient relationship.

When we were alone, I used to call him Willie.

And he used to call me Bubbie.

- My dear frau, I must deliver this truckload of prisoners.

- It would only take you a few minutes

to give an old lady a ride to her granddaughter's.

Oh, Stalin should have my rheumatism today.

- I cannot be concerned with your rheumatism.

- I understand, Sergeant,

but it seems a shame you won't meet my granddaughter,

the out of work fan dancer.

- Your granddaughter is a fan dancer?

- Oh, she's so beautiful, so lonely.

Now that all of you handsome men are off in the army.

She just sits alone in her apartment,

just her two fans.

- Of course, if your rheumatism is so bad.

And well, the Kaiser's nurse.

Perhaps, perhaps we could take you to your granddaughter.

- What were you saying, Sergeant?

- I said, perhaps we could take you in the truck after all.

- You can forget your ride, Sergeant.

Your military trucks are too dangerous.

Hey, you ought to have seen the look on that Kraut's face

when the bridge and the truck exploded

with all that jet fuel.

Oh blimey, it was something.

And his eyes, his eyes got as big as,

well almost as big as when I told him about the fan dancer.

- Hey Newkirk, that was an inspiration.

- I could've never thought of that.

- Well, it comes easy to me, chums.

Haven't you ever noticed the occasional feather

dropping out me envelopes? - Hey, mission accomplished.

- Hey, let's celebrate,

and we'll open the bottle of vintage wine.

It's almost four hours old.

Marvelous.

- Take the glasses. - Yeah.

- Hey, there's something I gotta tell ya.

I was standing there, right?

The truck goes up, boom!

Dirt all over the place, and there was-

Hello, Hogan.

Guards have been posted around the barracks,

and you and your men are restricted to the quarters.

- Oh just a minute, Schultz.

- Those are my orders, and anybody seen outside

will be shot. - Will be shot.

- What is it this time, Schultz?

- I know nothing.

- I know what it is.

- We all know what it is.

- Who said sabotage?

- I did.

- Why is it we can never keep a secret from you?

- Because the other guards

are not as close-mouthed as you, Schultz.

- All right, but nobody leaves until further notice.

Verstanden?

Verstanden.

- So anyway, everything's flying though, eh?

Carter.

Will you do me a favor?

When you write home, ask them for the little hat

with the feather on top.

- And if he can't get one,

Newkirk's girlfriend will send you one.

- Thank you.

- Hey Colonel, I finished my bow and arrow.

You want me to show you how to use it?

- Not now, Carter. - Just take a minute.

- Colonel, the underground just contacted us.

- They're gonna send champagne?

- Nope.

- Oh, that's great.

I go out and risk my life,

and that's the way they show their appreciation.

- They do appreciate your risking your life, Newkirk.

But the jet fuel wasn't in the truck we blew up.

- You serious? - Yep.

- What was the truck carrying?

- Our Red Cross packages.

- Where's the truck with the jet fuel?

- It's been rerouted.

- What's the new route?

- It's due to pass right by this camp tonight,

between nine and 9:15.

And they still want us to knock it off.

- They've got Krauts crawling all over the place!

They're even at the opening of the tunnel.

How can we do anything?

- They didn't say how, they said do.

- Don't worry sir, we'll think of something.

- Yeah, well if somebody comes up with a brainstorm,

I'll be in my office.

LeBeau, put away the wine, please.

Let it age a few more hours.

Right.

Do they really think that jet fuel is so important?

- They said it could be the difference

between winning and losing.

- Just isn't fair.

Why is it always one of us that has to do the dirty work?

Are you all right, Colonel?

- Carter, I had nothing to do

with the sale of Manhattan Island.

24 bucks was Peter Stuyvesant's idea.

- Sorry sir, I was testing the bow string

and it must've slipped. - Carter, put that thing away.

You're a ruddy menace. - Oh, leave him alone.

Better a bow and arrow than a tomahawk.

- I'm glad it didn't fly through the window.

These things aren't easy to make.

Hey, hold a minute, fellas.

Carter, is that the best you can do with your Native weapon?

- Oh no sir, I won a lot of trophies

with this thing back home.

It's like riding a bicycle.

Once you learn, you never forget it.

- Kinch? - Yeah.

- Come with me.

How far would you say it is from this window,

to the road just outside of the camp?

- Well, I can throw a football about 50 yards,

and I once threw a pass

from just outside the barracks here to Carter,

who was standing just inside the barbed wire.

- And he dropped it.

- I'd say it's about 60 yards, huh?

- I'd say that's about it.

- I think we could also say

that it's within range of Carter's arrow.

- My arrow? - Your flaming arrow?

- What have you got in mind, Colonel?

- Carter's people burned up a lot of covered wagons.

Just think what a flaming arrow

could do to a truck carrying jet fuel.

- That's a smashing idea.

- And to think we owe it all to Little Deer.

- Who Goes Swift and Sure Through Forest.

- German military vehicles have governors,

and they never travel at more than 35 miles an hour.

Now the truck will be coming down the road from the north,

and the wind is from the south.

That means the arrow should be aimed

about 15 yards in front of the moving vehicle.

Now, figuring the area of canvas on a 1 1/2 ton truck,

that should give Carter

about a seven to 10 foot margin for error.

- And I'd say he'd need every foot of it.

- We're not gonna take any chances.

Newkirk, take Little Deer down to the tunnel

and practice 'til showtime. - Right, sir.

The moment I check out my GI insurance.

- Didn't need Newkirk at the Little Bighorn, sir.

This is the first time I made arrow flambe.

- Better write down the recipe.

We may use it again.

- How's Little Deer doing with the bow and arrow?

- Just don't lend him your bicycle.

Roll call!

Roll call!

- All right look, everybody outside

except Newkirk and Carter, come with me.

- Schultz will know you're missing.

- Create a confusion, we'll be out in a minute.

- Right.

- All right Carter, any second, get it ready.

- You got a match, Newkirk?

- Oh, some Indian you are.

- Remember, lead the truck by about 15 yards.

- Why do we need a roll call

at this time of the night, Schultzy?

- Colonel Klink ordered it.

It is not up to you, LeBeau.

- Let's leave it up to the others, then.

All of those in favor of roll call, raise your hand!

All of those opposed to a roll call?

- Hey, hold, hold it!

I will not stand for any insubordination.

- Good word! - Thank you.

- Just get back.

- Where is Colonel Hogan?

And where is Newkirk?

And where is

Little Deer That Goes Swift and Sure Through Forest?

- I guess they were asleep.

- Colonel Hogan!

Everybody out for roll call!

- All right Carter, let it fly!

- No wonder you lost the West.

- Beautiful, Newkirk.

You've got Indian blood in you, too.

- Well actually sir, descended from Robin Hood.

- Yeah. - If you like, for an encore,

I'll go out and rob some rich people.

- Forget it, the truck should be

passing the front gate in about a minute.

- Are all the men assembled, Schultz?

- We're waiting for Colonel Hogan, Herr Commandant.

- You're not waiting for me, Schultz.

- Prisoners, your stupid underground

has attempted to stop the shipment

of a vital war material.

At this very moment,

a truck with experimental jet fuel,

and one of Germany's most brilliant scientists,

is passing by this very camp.

On its way to Berlin

with ultimate victory for our glorious fatherland.

- You were saying, Colonel?

- I can't believe it.

- You know, you think a brilliant scientist

would be smart enough to put up a no smoking sign.

Hi, Schultz.

- Hogan!

Commandant Klink is very angry at you.

- He'll get over it, Schultz.

Got a gift for you, from Carter. - Yeah?

- He's made you an honorary chief of the Sioux tribe.

- Beautiful.

- Uh-huh.

He's also given you a new name, Schultz.

- What, what, what, what?

- You are now Big Chief Running Bear

Who Goes Swift and Sure to Beer Garden.

- Or you could be Big Fat Schultz

Who Goes Swift and Sure to Russian Front.

Colonel Hogan, you and your men are restricted to barracks

and all privileges are canceled. - Why?

- Because, the lights were still on at 10:30.

- It's not every night, sir,

we get a chance to see a German truck barbecued.

- I can assure you, Hogan, we will find those saboteurs.

Dismissed.

- He took my feather.

- I'd say we scalp him, but somebody beat us to it.

- Colonel, I think the penal,

sorry, Chief.

- Out!