All language subtitles for Hogans Heroes S03E19 Hogan, Go Home_prob4.eng

- Now Carter,

you and Newkirk will
plant the bombs right here

past the station.

- Yes sir.

- Nice camouflage using
the Berlin Express

to carry munition supplies.
The Krauts are getting smart.

- Sir, why not lob
a few grenades here

before the train
reaches the station?

- Because the Berlin Express
passes the Kesling refinery.

- So we get the train
and the refinery.

Now, won't that make a
cheery little bonfire?

- Right.

- There's nothing like
a nice blazin' oilfield

on a cold winter's night.

- All right, let's
clean up down here.

Get a couple hours sack
time before roll call.

All right,
goodnight Colonel.

Goodnight, Colonel.

Goodnight, Sir.

- Goodnight.

- Hey now hold it fellas.

Hey, it's London, the
ally high command.

- The high command?

- Holy cats.

- What is it?

- Holy cats.

- What, Kinch. what's so
holy cats about it, Kinch?

- I hear it, but I
just don't believe it.

Holy cats.

- The message, Kinch.
What is the message?

- That's French for holy cats.

Big brass is ordering
Colonel Hogan home.

- What? Back to the States?

- He's to return for a heroes
welcome and reassignment

to special service for a three
months bond selling tour.

- They gotta be crazy
at headquarters. Whoa.

The colonel's really
gonna snap his twig

when he hears about this.

- It says to standby for
further instructions.

Now you know what the colonel
is going to tell them.

- I got a hunch
that heroes welcome

is gonna turn into a
dishonorable discharge.

Zachary Shaw.

- Yeah he's gonna be pretty
sore about it all right.

But he's never
disobeyed an order yet.

- Yes, but he's never gotten

this kind of a
crazy order before.

- Well, don't we
ought to let him sleep

a little while longer, you
know, before we tell him.

You know what a nasty temper
he's got when he's tired.

- God, he was beat tonight.

Boy, he would eat us alive

if we woke him up right now
with a message like this.

I'd like him to sleep
as long as he can.

- I'd like that too.

- Oh, I'm sorry we kept
you awake, Colonel.

This message from London
got us kind of wound up.

- They want me to go home.
They've ordered me home.

I don't believe it.

- Who would they issue
an order like that?

- I don't know.

But whoever it was is gonna
have me for a friend for life.

Kinch, wire London. Tell
'em orders are acknowledged.

When do I leave? How?
Where? Get all the details.

- Yes sir.

- Personally, I think he's
taking the news pretty well.

- You could almost believe
he was happy about it.

- You know darn well he's happy.

Boy if that doesn't
take the cake.

- It's a pretty rotten
way to act if you ask me.

What happens to us?

- I never dreamed
he'd do such a thing.

- I know none of us would.

Boy, if that order had been
for one of us, would we go?

- Like a shot.

Who wouldn't like to go
home if he had a chance?

- Yeah. The colonel
deserves a break.

He has all the responsibilities.
He takes the biggest risks.

It's about time he got some
recognition from the brass.

- I think it's about time

he got some recognition
from us too.

- Hey, how about throwing
a farewell party for him?

- Yes. Perfect. Let him
know how we feel about him.

I'll show him how
I feel by cooking

the most magnificent
dinner money can buy.

- That's fine for you.
But what can we do?

- You can supply the
money that buys it.

Now here's a list
of what we want.

Here, I'll carry that for you.

- I am sure you
will ask me to buy

anything you should not have,

like for instance, picks,
shovels, and wire cutters, huh.

- Just groceries.

- It's for Colonel
Hogan's surprise party.

- Aye, aye, so not
a word shall say.

Ooh.

A surprise. Huh?

- It's a big surprise.

- Ah let's see what we
have here. Fresh asparagus.

- Mm hmm.

- Three dozen fresh eggs.

- Right.

- One dozen tin caviar.

- Russian. Of course.

- There's a war on.

Where do you think I would
buy things like this?

- You know Reinhardt's market?

- I pass it by. It's not
much of a market, sir.

- No, but the market in the
basement of the market is.

You can buy anything
for a price, of course.

- You want me to do business
in the black market?

Never!

Take back your grocery list,
and I take back my gun.

- You might change your mind.

- You just saw me
change my mind.

Yes to No. My gun please.

- Schultz.

- Would 600 mark
change it back to yes?

- Mm no. My gun please.

- How about a nice
maybe for 700, Schultz?

- Not 700. Not 800. Not 900.

Please I'm warning you. Give
me back my gun or I'll shoot.

- Not even for 900. Huh?

I'm afraid Sergeant
Schultz is one of these men

who can't be bought.

- That's not true!

I heard every man has his price,

and I have a feeling you
are just 100 mark away

from my price.

- You guys are pretty quiet.

How come you're not busy
planning my surprise party?

- Schultz told you?

- He didn't mean
to. I tricked him.

I said, "Hey, Schultz, heard
any good secrets lately?"

And he says, "Only the one
about your surprise party."

- You'll be going to a lot
of parties when you get home.

And we wanted ours
to be the first.

- We're proud to have
served with you, sir.

And this is our
way of telling you.

- Thanks Newkirk. I'm
proud of you guys too.

In fact, suddenly dawned on
me what this command meant.

I'm not gonna go.

I'm gonna tell the
headquarters I decided to stay

orders or not.

- Well, that's gonna
be a problem, Colonel.

Your replacement's
already on his way here.

- My replacement? Who is it?

- I just got this message
from headquarters a while ago.

It's got all the dope on him.

- RAF colonel, trained
commando, sabotage expert.

Must say my replacement
sounds like a darn good man.

- He's not the man you are.

They don't make 'em
like you anymore, sir.

No sirree. There's
only one Colonel Hogan,

and there will never be
another Colonel Hogan.

Unless of course you were to
get married and have children.

And then maybe you
could have boys,

and then maybe one of the
boys might go in the service.

Now he could be a Colonel
Hogan providing a-

- Carter, shut up.

Headquarters say where
I'm to be picked up?

Am I walking,
swimming, flying, what?

- Well your replacement
will have that information.

- We still have the Berlin
Express to take care of.

- I got the ol' bombs finished.

- And we'll put 'em on
the track as scheduled.

- Good.

- Colonel Hogan.

The commandant wants
to see at once.

- What about, Schultz?

- The commandant does not
take me into his confidence.

- Yeah, I wish we
hadn't neither.

- Tattle tale.

- If there is something
you don't want me

to say anything about
just tell me nothing,

and I swear I won't
mention it to anybody.

- Ha ha.

- Come in. Come in.

Ah, Hogan. Come in.

How nice of you to drop by.

- I didn't drop by
you sent for me.

- Oh, that's right.

Hogan, why don't you sit
down, relax for a moment.

- When you're that cheerful
this early. I never relax.

- I suppose you're wondering
why I sent for you.

Am I right?

- What an amazing
bit of mind reading.

How about letting
me in on the joke?

- Oh, it's not really a joke.

It's funny to me,

but I don't think it's
going to be funny to you.

- Klink, I got
better things to do

than to stand here and
listen to you cackle.

- Please, Hogan.

I don't very often get the
chance to chop you down.

I just like to
savor that moment.

- What do you mean chop me down?

- Well, it has something to do

with a British officer

who was captured a
few miles from here.

They'll be bringing
him in shortly.

- So?

- This British officer,
Hogan, is a colonel.

A colonel, Hogan.

Now do you understand
why I'm laughing?

- Yeah. You're a nut.

Now I suppose you're
gonna say he outranks me.

- That's right.

The moment he
comes in this gate,

you are no longer
the senior officer.

Now that doesn't bother you?

- I couldn't be happier.
I can use the rest.

- I have not dismissed you yet.

You know, I like the way
you're taking this Hogan.

Now, would you
like me to tell you

the name of this
British officer?

- Why should I care
about his name?

- Because it happens to
be Colonel Crittendon.

- Crittendon?

- That stuck a nerve, didn't it?

Chop, chop, chop.

- Klink, that man disrupted
the morale of this entire camp.

He's nuttier than you are. He
should be locked up somewhere.

- That's right. And he
will be. Right here.

And you will kindly
remove your things

from the colonel's quarters.

- You're putting
him in our barracks?

- I wouldn't dream of
putting him anywhere else.

Chop, chop, chop again, Hogan.

- Oh, I hope you're
enjoying yourself.

- Oh, yes I am.

And thank you, Hogan, for
falling apart so beautifully.

You know that look on your face.

Ooh, it's even better
than I'd hoped for.

- I'm glad I didn't
disappoint you. May I go now?

- Oh, by all means.

Oh, Hogan, you will clean
up your quarters, won't you?

Colonel Crittendon is so
fussy about things like that.

- Colonel Klink.
You're an evil man.

- Yes I am.

And it makes me
feel good all over.

- No worries. Things
are gonna be all right.

Don't worry about it.

- You're trying to tell us
some bad news. Right, Colonel?

- Well, you might
say it was bad news.

Then again, you might not.

It's up to you to decide
what kind of news it is.

- I want you to meet your
new commanding officer.

- Bad news.

- Well, almost like
a reunion. Hey, what?

Haha. You lads are
all looking quite uh,

Colonel Klink, have you
been torturing these men?

- Certainly not.

- They all look terrible.

Pale, sickly.

- It must be something
that's going around the camp.

And Colonel Hogan
looked the same way

when he left my
office a while ago.

Chop, chop, chop.

- Well, we meet
again, Colonel Hogan.

Small world, isn't it?

- Yeah. Small, small world.

- I feel like it's
closing in on me.

- You got the message from
London? Just nod, yes or no.

Yes indeed. It's a
very small world.

- What's that you
whispered, Colonel?

I didn't quite catch it.

- Hogan, Hogan. The
walls have ears.

Klink must have planted
bugs all around this place.

- You're right, Colonel.

But we found every single one.

- Well one shouldn't
take any chances

when he is on an
assignment like this one.

Caution is the key
word in espionage.

- We don't believe in
taking chances either.

So if you'll just show me the
identification you were given.

- Oh, nicely done, sir.

Came right out of the net
on that one, didn't you?

Let me see now where I
put my, my secret papers.

Imagine forgetting
a thing like that.

I'm sure the papers
in my secret pocket

will give you all the
identification you'll need.

- Colonel, where is
your secret pocket?

- Ah, you don't
remember either, eh?

It'll come to me. Let's see.

Just put on the old
thinking cap and uh, my cap.

There you are.

There you are, Colonel.

- Well, we seem to be in order.

All right. Get rid of these.

- Right you are.

First thing they tell you is
to destroy all secret papers.

Even if you had to eat them.

Now who's got a match?

- I guess those papers
do taste better cooked.

- I'm not cooking
them. I'm burning them.

Sergeant sounds a
bit stir crazy to me.

- I think Carter
was making a joke.

- Oh, excellent.

I say if a man can keep
his sense of humor,

he can take anything
Jerry dishes out.

Good man.

You make all the
jokes you please

no matter how bad they are.

Even in the midst of tragedy,

you can find something funny
if you look hard enough.

- Colonel, I think you're
about to catch fire.

- What!

Don't be alarmed, men.

Let's not panic.
Steady as she goes.

There we are.

- You shouldn't
have done that, sir.

- No harm done. Just
singed my fingers a trifle.

However, if I had lost my head,

the situation could
have been worse. Yes.

The moment I saw the danger,

I simply kept my wits about me,

walked over to
this trash basket,

and dropped the burning papers.

- Colonel, you dropped
them in our laundry hamper.

- Must say, it looked
like a trash basket to me.

I advise you to write
laundry hamper over it,

and this sort of thing won't
happen over and over again.

- We'll do that if there's
anything left of it.

- Now if you can excuse
me, I'll tidy up a bit,

and then I'd like the
men mustered here at

oh five three, no, no,

that would be oh three
three oh hundred o'clock pm.

- At least no one has to
do the laundry this week.

- Every piece of clothing
I owned was in that basket.

- Betcha didn't
have a penny's worth

of fire insurance either.

- Got a minute,
Colonel Crittendon?

- Huh?

- I'd like to ask
you a few questions.

- Well, I'd be glad to
answer anything I can.

Of course you realize I'm
here on secret orders so.

- Yeah, that's my
first question.

Why'd they pick you?

- I wasn't picked.
I volunteered.

After all I am
familiar with the camp

and with my commando
and sabotage training

who could be better for the job?

- Exactly how much commando
training did you have?

- Oh the whole show.

That commando course separates
the man from the boys.

I'll confess, at first I didn't
think I'd be able to cut it.

It took every ounce of grit
and determination in me.

I made it,

but I wouldn't like to

go through a weekend
like that again.

- Two days of commando training?

- Actually it was three.

I stayed on an extra
day to brush up

on my hand-to-hand combat.

- I suppose during
the three days,

you also became a
sabotage expert.

- Oh no, no.

That was another course I took
after I left the hospital.

Let me, let me
show you something.

Rather neat trick, eh Hogan?

- Yes, indeed. A
very neat trick.

- Does a neat job too.
This knife is razor sharp.

- Yeah, I can feel it.
It's a razor sharp knife.

- Dreamed this one up myself.

So far it seems to have
fooled Jerry, doesn't it?

- Yeah. Well around here
Jerry isn't too hard to fool.

- Colonel Hogan.

I've been thinking something
of your escape from here,

and it occurred to me-

- Colonel, my hat.

- How's that?

- You stabbed my hat.

- Oh, awfully sorry, Hogan.

I keep forgetting to
put it together again.

Usually cut a neat slice
in my shirt sleeve.

Done it again. Only this
time it's your shirt. What?

- It's okay. It'll
go well with my hat.

- Right you are.
Anyway, as I was saying,

I've been giving some thought
to your escape from here.

- No, it can't be from here.

We're blowing up the Berlin
Express and the Kesling Refinery

tomorrow night.

Any escape from Stalag
13 would be too risky.

- I see what you mean.

Supposing, supposing you
were to be transferred

to another camp
and while on route,

you made your escape with
the aid of the underground.

- That's a good idea. But how
do we arrange my transfer?

- Very far.

If Klink thought an important
prisoner like Colonel Hogan

were attempting an escape.

He'd have you out of here
before you could try it.

- He sure would.

And I know just the
pitch I'm going to give.

- Colonel Hogan.

- The senior officer
is the only one

to have contact
with the commandant.

I'll do the talking to Klink.

- Look, it really might be
better if you let me handle him.

I've been doing it
for some time now.

- Don't worry, I'll handle
Klink and believe me,

in no time at all you'll
be free as a bird.

- Sure, sure.

- I got your message.

But I had some difficulty
getting permission from Klink.

- Did Newkirk give you the key?

- It's right here in my pocket.

You'll be mad as a march hare
to make a break from here.

- Stop wasting time. Unlock the
cell door and leave it shut.

- There you are.

You do try anything,

just how far do you'll
think you'll get?

- I'm gonna try something,

and I hope to get as far
as the next prison camp.

- Colonel Hogan. Commandant
Klink wants to see you.

- Ah, I appreciate
your coming sir.

- Don't bother to
appreciate anything.

Colonel Crittendon asked me to
do this as a personal favor.

- Since when are you doing
favors for the enemy?

- Because although we
are on different sides,

I have a great deal of respect
for Colonel Crittendon.

He is a fine officer
and an honorable man.

- And a dirty stool pigeon.

- And he kept you from
committing suicide.

No one will ever
escape from Stalag 13

as long as I'm it's commandant.

- And that won't be much longer.

Yeah, I'm busting outta your
prison camp, Colonel Klink.

Just wanted to give you
advanced notice so you can pack.

- You don't bust
out of any place

until you bust out of
this bust proof cell.

And that's a good
trick in itself.

- That's why I'm glad
I'm locked up in here.

The more sensational my escape,

the sooner we'll get
you to a cooler climate.

- Hogan, why did
you wanna see me?

- Just wanted to warn
you. I owe you that.

- Oh no, Hogan, you
just wanted to annoy me.

Get me upset, but it won't work.

Good night, Colonel.

These has-beens will do
anything to get attention.

Schultz, I really believe
that Hogan is cracking up.

- Still convinced I
can't escape aren't you?

- Hogan, how many times
do I have to tell you?

No one ever escapes
from Stalag 13.

- Care to make a
little bet on that?

- Look, Hogan.

I'm very tired. It's late.

Why don't you go back to
your cell and go to bed?

What are you doing out here?

- Just trying to make a bet.

- Schultz, put
him back in there.

Why weren't you watching him?

- Commandant, I was
listening to you.

- Aren't you supposed
to guard prisoners?

Not listen to foolish chatter.

- Look here, Commandant.
It was not foolish chatter.

Whatever you said
was very interesting.

- Schultz, you Dummkopf,
you dunderhead!

- If you fellas don't mind,

I'd like to get back
into my bust proof cell

and start planning my escape.

- Hogan, get back in there.

- Goodnight.

See you in the morning. Maybe.

- Say Au Revoir, Hogan,
and get into the truck.

The men can write
you at Stalag 15.

- Say my own goodbyes
if you don't mind.

Newkirk, you and Carter
take care of those packages?

- Everything's all right, sir.

We should hear
something there now.

Good luck, Colonel.

- Is it all right if I
give Hogan a gift, Colonel?

- What kind of a gift,
Colonel Crittendon?

- Oh, just my swagger cane.

I'd like him to have
it for old time's sake.

- All right, Hogan, take the
stick and get into the truck.

Hurry up. Hurry up, men.

I don't want him
to miss the train.

- Train?

- Oh, you're going in
style today, Hogan.

The Berlin Express.

- Berlin Express. Did
you hear that, guys?

I'm gonna be on
the Berlin Express.

- I hate goodbyes. So we'll
just say, till we meet again.

- Right. Then let's meet
real soon then, shall we?

Soon!

- I think one more stroke
ought to do it, sir.

- We don't wanna bring
her down just yet.

We'll wait until LeBeau
sees the van approaching,

then with one blow

my ax will drop this
tree in front of them.

- Don't you think we ought
to do that now, Colonel,

instead of waiting
until the last minute?

- Yeah this is one train we
don't want the colonel to catch.

- The element of surprise will
be a great advantage to us.

We'll be on those guards
before they know what happened.

The colonel's right there,

they'll be like
sitting ducks for us.

- Extraordinary thing.

- Takes a long time to change
those tires, doesn't it?

Nothing to it on
an American truck.

- Colonel, get back in the van.
They're almost ready to go.

- About time.

Back inside, everyone.

Back inside.

That means you too.

Inside.

- What'd you do
now to that tire?

- Nothing. I just
kicked it with my foot.

- What are you using for rubber
these days? Banana peels?

- One more word
from you and I'll-

- No you won't.

Put your hands up. Move.

- All right, you guys.

Let's see how fast
you can fix that tire.

- What do we do
with them, Colonel?

- Yeah, we'll drop 'em off,

let the underground
take care of em.

- Then can we drive
over by the refinery

and watch the explosion?

- No time for that,
Carter. I gotta get home.

- Oh. Oh yeah. I forgot. I
expect you're eager to go.

- Yes, I am.

As the song says, be
it ever so humble,

there's no place like Stalag 13.

- Hogan, tell me. When
the underground freed you,

why did you come back here?

- Been asking myself
that same question.

Some invisible force seemed
to be pulling me back.

I guess, oh, it sounds silly.

- What?

- Nah, you'll just laugh.

- Please. I already
laughed once this week.

Hogan, what are
you trying to say?

- I'm back because I
missed the old dungeon.

I had no idea how I felt
as I came over the hill

and saw the sun setting beyond
the machine gun turrets.

- Hogan.

- The barbed wire
sparkling like spun gold

and the delousing
station at twilight time.

Colonel Klink, this is
a veritable paradise.

- Hogan, I don't believe
one word of this,

but I agree with you
about Colonel Crittendon.

He cannot be trusted.

You give him one inch,
he'll take 50 yards.

You know he'd gotten that
far when Schultz spotted him.

- Crittendon tried
to make a break?

- Oh, he denied it of course.

Said he was coming
in, not going out.

- Where's he now?

- On his way to Stalag
15. Oh, he's a menace.

He's got to be locked up
somewhere.

I mean, somewhere else.

There is no room here
for trouble makers.

- We can do without
him very nicely.

Listen, what time have you got?

Oh, it's 7:29 and 40 seconds.

- Exactly?

- I just set it by my radio.

Hogan, what is it?
What's happening?

- Your radio's 12 seconds slow.

- What has that
got to do with it?

- Who knows? Oh, one
other thing, Colonel.

- What?

- Chop. Chop. Chop.