Original subtitles

All right, hold it.

Right as he's coming through the entrance to the tunnel.

All right, break!

Dubay, why'd you sneak in this way?

- Boy, you almost got shot!

- Well, hey, in The Underground you have to get used to that.

- What's up?

Colonel, I have a present for you.

- Oh, what's that? - Oh.

Just what I've always wanted,

a sleeping bag.

This one seems wide awake.

- What's in there, a dog and a cat?

- Why'd you bring him here?

Why didn't you get rid of him outside?

- Well, I could not do that, he's on our side.

Then why is he all tied up?

Well, because he does not believe

that we are on his side. - Who is he?

- He's a Russian pilot.

His plane was forced down with engine trouble in a field

about a half a mile from here.

When we went to rescue him,

he fought us like a maniac.

It took eight men to tie him up.

- Did you tell him you were friends?

- Of course, but for him,

anybody who doesn't speak Russian is the enemy.

Well mon Colonel, he's going to be your baby now.

- Thanks for leaving him on our doorstep.

- Au revoir. - Au revoir.

- All right, let's get him untied.

Wait a minute, hold it.

Hold it, let's make sure he understands we're friendly.

We are friends!

Understand?

Allies!

- Pals, on the same side.

- Buddies, we're with you.

- D'vadech, friends!

Understand?

- On the same side.

- Yeah, all right, he'll be okay, untie him.

- Ow, he bit me!

- First person comes close gets this.

Oh, boy.

Look comrade, get this straight,

I'm Colonel Hogan, United States Air Force.

Carter, Kinch, American,

Lebeau, French,

Newkirk, English.

The men who brought you here are with The Underground,

we work with them.

Now, put away the gun!

- How do I know you are telling truth?

- How do you know we're not?

- The Colonel is leveling with you.

Do I look German to you?

- Lieutenant Igor Gregorovitch Pietkin,

15th Air in the Peoples Army.

- Welcome to Stalag 13.

- Kinch. - Da.

- Hi. - Right pleasure to meet ya.

- I'll bet you're hungry.

- Da, how would you know?

- I could tell by the way you bit my thumb.

- I never saw a more suspicious man.

- Well, he knows we're all right now.

- That's right,

but do we know if he's all right?

- What are you getting at?

- Can you think of a better way

to divert suspicion from yourself

than to pretend to be suspicious of someone else?

- You mean you think he's a spy?

- I think we'd better ask him some more questions

just to satisfy ourselves.

- Well, I'm not gonna be so easy to satisfy.

- Well, Igor, how's it going?

- Mm, good, mm.

- How many home runs did Babe Ruth hit

for the world's record?

What?

- Who is Betty Grable married to?

- What do you talk about?

- Who said, "Come up and see me sometime"?

I guess that proves it, Colonel, he doesn't know.

- Carter, all that proves is he isn't an American.

- Yeah, that's what it proves, all right.

- Hope you fellows haven't forgotten

the big birthday celebration tomorrow?

- Oh, no, sir. - Of course not.

- We've been waiting anxiously.

- What birthday?

- Alexander Graham Bell's birthday,

he's a very famous American.

- Never heard him.

- He's the man who invented the telephone.

- Is not true,

telephone invented by Russian, every school child know this.

- American. - Russian.

- American. - Russian.

- American!

Russian, Russian, Russian!

- He's the real McCoy,

or the real McCoyski.

- Nyet, Igor Gregorovitch Pietkin.

Yeah, okay.

- What are we gonna do with him, Colonel?

- Try and fix his plane so he can fly outta here.

- You are going to fix?

What they know about my plane?

Is newest, most advanced Russian model.

- I know, Iggy,

it's exactly the same model we had two years ago.

- Did you hear a plane landing last night?

A plane with engine trouble?

- Yes sir, I did, I did.

I did, I did, I did.

Here it is, at 9:05.

You see, sir, I'm on top of everything.

- Did you investigate to see if it was an enemy plane?

- Oh, naturally not,

I thought it was one of our planes.

- Because it had engine trouble?

- Oh, sir, you know how it is,

so many of our planes coming all shot up

and you can hear the engine missing,

and last night I did not hear a thing, sir.

- A Russian plane was found

a half a mile from this camp.

- Oh, was it that close, sir?

- But the pilot was missing.

Headquarters in Berlin demands he be found right away.

- Mm-hm, oh I know how unpleasant that can be, sir,

especially when headquarters is on your neck all the time.

Oh, I have sympathy for you, sir.

What did you tell them?

- That I am putting you in complete charge

of finding the pilot.

You didn't.

- I also told them

that you would be personally responsible

for the capture of the Russian.

- General Burkhalter, you have put me

into a terrible position.

- Klink, believe me, you have my sympathy.

- Colonel! Colonel Hogan, I need my plane-

- All right, hold the noise down!

Hold the noise down, Igor! - Please!

- You want the Germans to hear ya?

- I just want to know when my plane will be ready!

I must get back to Russia.

- There's been a change in plans.

- What?

- Your plane has been found by the Nazis,

we're gonna get you back to England.

- I refuse.

I came from Russia,

I am going back to Russia!

- How you gonna get there, mate? Walk?

- How far is it to the Russian front?

- It's getting closer every day. It's still out of the question.

Now look, Igor, be reasonable-

- Schultz! - Colonel-

- All right, look!

- What, what is going, what are you doing to me?

Wait! I don't like touching of my head!

Get your head down!

- Colonel Hogan, may I?

Oh, here you are, Colonel.

Did you hear the latest news?

We shot down a Russian plane!

Our anti-aircraft brought him down from 10,000 feet.

It was right near here the camp. - The Russian-

- Pretty good shooting, Shultz, what happened to the pilot?

- He got away but we are going to find him.

Oh, our men are looking for him.

The Fuhrer said all the Russians are cowards,

they are always on the run.

What?

- Reports I hear,

they're running the wrong way, Schultz.

- Ah- - What's the matter with him.

- Nothing, just doesn't want to get his haircut.

- Oh, ho-ho, just like a little boy, huh?

- One, two, three, four, five, six,

seven, eight, nine, ten.

Colonel Hogan? - Mm-hm?

- There seems to be some irregularity here.

Whatever it is, Schultz, it's your imagination.

- I have to report. - Just a minute, Schultz!

Let me tell you a story first.

- I have no time for stories!

- This story you'll be interested in!

It's about a certain German sergeant

who wanted to look good

in front of his commanding officer

by making a report on something he should have ignored.

Now, this sergeant, who in his barracks

has 12 pounds of coffee,

a dozen pair of nylons,

which incidentally are made in America-

- You gave them to me!

Did I mention any names?

Now the story's about what would happen to this sergeant

if the Colonel- - All right!

I'm going to count again.

One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight,

nine, ten.

- You're right, it was my imagination.

- Good.

- All right, let's get him down in the tunnel. Come on!

- Nyet, I will not go down there!

Let-

- Iggy, don't force me to make you see my point of view.

- Right, I see your point of view.

- Here's your hat, be careful.

- Here he comes, Schultz.

Colonel, I thought it over,

I'm going to give you back the coffee

and the nylons.

- Well, if that's the way you want it, Schultz.

- That's the way.

Now I'm going to report.

- Naturally, you've got your duty to do.

- Jawohl, one, two,

three, four,

five,

six, seven, eight, nine.

- Something wrong, Schultz?

I thought, um, nevermind.

- Now, about the nylons and coffee?

- Trouble with you, Colonel Hogan,

is you never know when someone is making a joke.

- You were making a joke?

Yeah, I was making a ha-ha.

- Now everything's okay?

- Yah. - Good.

- Ha-ha. - Ha-ha.

- Well, that takes care of Schultz,

now what about Igor?

- That's still a problem. Go down and bring him up, huh?

- Right.

- You know, sir, he's not gonna settle

for anything less than Russia.

- He's gonna have to,

we're sending him to England.

- Colonel, he's gone.

- Gone?

- Yeah, he went right out the tunnel entrance.

- Yeah, he's gone back to Russia like a homing pigeon,

dead east.

- He's not gonna get very far

with all those men Klink has searching for him.

- Why don't we go out and look for him?

- In broad daylight?

Not a chance.

- Well, we can't just sit here!

- You're right.

- Where you going, Colonel?

Sit in Klink's office.

- Now your squad will cover this entire area,

Sector B 14,

the other squad will cover this entire area,

Sector C 11.

Check everything and everybody,

I want you to find that Russian pilot!

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

- Colonel Klink speaking.

Lieutenant Bergman, anything new to report?

Nothing.

No, you can't come here for lunch.

Forget about eating, I'm hungry, too!

Just find that Russian pilot.

- Looking for a Russian flyer?

- Yes, I certainly am.

- Why don't you put an ad in paper?

Must be a few of 'em who aren't busy.

- I'm looking for a pilot

who landed in this area yesterday.

In other words, I'm looking for a particular pilot.

- Ah, come on now,

can't be too particular if he landed around here.

- Hogan, are you here for anything special?

- Yeah. I wanted to know

when you expect the Red Cross packages

for my men?

- When they get here, you'll get them, not sooner.

Sounds fair enough.

Oh, your telephone, sir.

- Thank you.

Colonel Klink speaking.

Yes, Berlin.

Lieutenant Huber?

Field Marschal Gronacki's aide!

Sir, it's a pleasure always to,

yes sir, we are making a very thorough search

for the Russian pilot!

Of course, sir,

as soon as we find him, we let you know,

and sir, I'd like to say I have left nothing to chance.

Every detail has been worked out.

Hello?

Hello?

- These pins, they aren't the area you're searching in?

- They certainly are.

- Do you see the mistake you're,

I'm sorry, it's none of my business.

- That's right, Hogan,

it's none of your business. - All right.

Hogan, come back.

- You called me, sir?

- What, uh, were are you going to say?

- It's really none of my business.

- Hogan, as commanding officer here

it is my business to find out

what's none of your business,

now talk!

- Well, you've got all your search parties

spread out east of the prison camp.

Why?

- Because it happens to be in the direction of Russia

and it is reasonable to assume

that a Russian would try to go to Russia.

- Put yourself in his place.

Would you go in the area

in which everyone was looking for you,

or would you think to yourself,

"They'll be looking here

but I'll go here"?

The distance is shorter to England,

you can get help from The French Underground.

- Hogan, I have never heard such nonsense!

When it comes to military tactics,

you're a child.

- I'm not trying to compare myself to you, sir.

- I should hope not, now that's all.

This is Colonel Klink,

message to all units,

abandon searching all sectors east of the camp!

This is Colonel Klink,

cover all areas west of the camp!

Unit commanders report to me every 15 minutes.

- This is Colonel Klink, I,

no, Lieutenant Bergman, forget about lunch!

I want you to find that Russian pilot!

- You said what to Klink?

- I just gave him Horace Greeley's advice.

- Who is Horace Greeley?

- A great man who had a wonderful plan

for relieving congestion in New York.

- The tunnel! Hey, maybe Igor's comeback.

- If he has, it's the first good sense he's shown.

- Colonel Hogan, will you please keep your pigeon at home?

- Did he give you much trouble? - Trouble?

He's a one man Russian front.

- We'll keep an eye on him this time.

- And if he gets away again

I'm going to turn him over to the Germans

in self defense.

- All right. - Au revoir.

- Thanks. - Ta ta.

- You've been a naughty boy, Igor.

- Colonel, as long as you keep me against my will,

I am prisoner, but you cannot watch forever,

I am not going to England, I go to Russia!

- What's so special about Russia?

- Colonel, you have never been there?

- Never!

- Oh, you do not know what you are missing.

- Oh, really? Tell me, I'd love to hear the story.

- Oh, will be pleasure.

Russia is most wonderful country.

- Is it big?

- Ten times bigger then United States.

- Cool. - Most beautiful rivers.

Volga is longest river in entire world.

- Wow. - Go on.

Well, c'mon. - Cities, Moscow-

- Kinch, I want you to hook up a telephone wire

from Klink's office to mine.

- I'll have it rigged for you in a half hour.

Igor going to England?

- Nope, Russia.

- But in 1925 shipping tonnage on Volga

increased by 10%,

or 176,000 tons more.

At same time, wheat crops,

in spite of bad weather,

were doubled by 80%.

- We're all set, we're all hooked into Klink's office,

now all I gotta do is attach this wire to this phone.

- So you covered all the areas?

Twice?

Well, there's no use continuing.

Have all the units report to camp at once.

Schultz!

- Jawohl, Herr Commandant!

- The search is off,

have all...

Yes, Colonel Klink speaking.

- This is Lieutenant Huber,

why haven't you reported to me?

Field Marschal Von Gronacki is very displeased.

Are you going on with the search for the Russian pilot?

Of course, Lieutenant Huber.

Yes. Yes.

Oh, I wouldn't dream of giving it up.

Our men are working all around the clock.

This is Colonel Klink speaking,

the search is on,

have all units report back to the field.

No, Lieutenant Bergman,

I do not want to hear about lunch nor dinner, either!

How do you like this Lieutenant Huber for gall?

All right, I suppose.

- All right? It's an outrage!

"Why haven't you reported to me?

Sloppy, inefficient command."

Imagine a young lieutenant talking like that to me,

a colonel!

That's not nice!

- I don't have to take that!

If the Field Marschal finds out about this

he will not approve!

A Field Marshal understands discipline!

He would put that fresh Lieutenant Huber in his place

and I'll see to it that he finds out about it.

Yes, he'll find out about it.

Get me Field Marshal Von Gronacki's headquarters

in Berlin at once, it's most important.

Schultz, what are you standing around for?

Don't you have something to do?

- Jawohl, Herr Commandant!

- Yes, tell him it is a matter concerning Lieutenant Huber.

I'll wait.

- Huber?

It wouldn't be the Huber whose uncle

is Field Marshal Von Gronacki, would it?

- His uncle?

Field Marshal Von Gronacki?

Wrong number.

What do you know about Lieutenant Huber?

- Oh, he's very well known.

His sister's married to Goebbel's cousin.

- Geobbel?

- His mother went to school with Goring's wife,

her best friend.

- Goring?

- Oh, but most important,

do you know who everyone says his father is?

- But Hitler is not married.

So what?

- That would make Huber, ah...

So's his old man.

- Then five year plan introduced,

actually was only four 1/4's.

- Oh, thank goodness.

- Factory production,

agriculture quotas were increased.

The workers sang as they worked.

- What about sleep?

What a marvelous idea.

- Six hours was found to be enough by our scientists.

As we cut down sleep, we increased working hours.

First year was glorious success.

Let me give you figures.

Now, one would never expect-

- Colonel Klink!

This is Lieutenant Huber,

why haven't I heard from you?

What about the Russian?

- We haven't found him yet, but believe me,

it'll be just a matter of an hour or two.

- Colonel, we don't want excuses,

we want results.

- Believe me, sir, we're doing everything we can.

- That's not good enough.

I'm in your area now,

if we don't get some action soon

I'm coming in to take personal charge myself.

- That won't be necessary, sir!

He can't get away,

we'll find him.

For your sake I hope so.

By the way, were you the one

who called my uncle Field Marshal Von Gronacki

to talk about me?

- Why, no sir,

I haven't been near my phone.

- Let's have some action or heads will roll!

- Yes, sir.

He's got to be the son.

- Igor, we're gonna get you back to Russia.

- That is wonderful!

- But you'll have to trust me,

do whatever I say no matter what you think.

- I will. - Fine.

Yes, Klink speaking.

- This is Field Marshal Von Gronacki.

- Oh, Field Marschal Von Gronacki!

Oh, I'm sorry, but we still haven't-

- I just wanted to let you know

we have captured the Russian flyer here in Berlin.

- You did? In Berlin?

But sir, you're aide, Lieutenant Huber-

- Don't mention Lieutenant Huber's name to me!

He's a disgrace.

- But he's your nephew, sir.

- Not anymore,

I have disowned him.

He stole money from the Officer's mess.

Is that so?

- And now he has disappeared,

he's a deserter.

- But the last time he called

he said he was in this area.

- If you see him, you will have him shot at once.

- Yes. I'll make a note of it, shoot Huber.

- Wait a minute, wait a minute,

that's too good for him.

I have a better idea.

- Yes?

Yes, oh, that's perfect.

Oh, yes sir, that's much better.

Oh yes, sir.

- Well, you'll soon be on your way

so we better say goodbye here.

- Goodbye.

- I guess now we're engaged.

Forget it, come on.

Colonel Klink's office is right here.

Okay, Lieutenant Huber, last door.

- Ah. Lieutenant Huber, come in, come in, come in!

I cannot tell you how I've been looking forward

to this little meeting.

You'll never guess who I spoke to a little while ago.

Hmm?

You don't wanna guess?

You're uncle, the Field Marshal.

Oh, he's very unhappy.

You know, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Stealing and a deserter, too.

- Hard to believe a Field Marshal's nephew

could sink so low.

Suppose you're gonna have him shot, sir?

- No, we have something much better in store

for the young lieutenant.

Guard!

Take this man to the transportation officer in town

and give him this order.

You are being sent to the Russian front.

No Colonel, not that!

- Yes, that's the place for him,

the Russian front.

Take him away!

- Russian front, it's what I call justice.

- Even better than that,

it's getting even.

- You know, it'd be a funny thing if, um-

- What?

- If he really wanted to go to the Russian front.

Yeah.

That would be funny.