All language subtitles for Hogans Heroes S03E07 How to Win Friends and Influence Nazis_prob4.eng

You can't do everything.

Carter, I hate to criticise,

but I think you're making
the soap too strong.

It's gotta be strong if you're
gonna get rid of the dirt.

Not strong enough
to get rid of the clothes.

- It's not that strong.
- You think it isn't?

Now, that's what I call strong.

We've got company.

Burkhalter visiting Klink?

Looks official. Let's listen in.

It is always a great honour

to have you drop in,
General Burkhalter.

- Klink, I didn't just drop in.
- Of course not.

It was very dignified,
the way you drove up, sir.

Very impressive.
| remember saying to myself:

"This is not just dropping in."

Would you care
for a cigarette, sir?

No.

Would you care
for a chocolate-covered candy?

| do not eat candy.
I'm on a diet.

You're on a diet, sir?
Oh, that's ridiculous.

| should be on a diet.
Let the waste basket get fat.

Now, the reason why I am here
is a matter of utmost secrecy.

What I'm going to tell you
is for your ears alone.

You can depend on me, sir.
You know that.

| do not know
anything of the kind.

But I have no...

choice.

Now, listen.

In the next few days,
you can expect that...

What's wrong with this? You
been making coffee with it again?

No.

What you wish.

Very interesting.

Now, as I understand it,
what you want me to do is...

Is to see that...

Or at least...

That's exactly right.

- What's exactly right?
- You can depend on me, general.

Now, remember,
no one is to know about this.

Rest assured, general,

wild horses
couldn't drag a word out of me.

It's coming in
nice and clear now.

I'll be checking with you.
Heil Hitler.

Yeah, | never heard
a clearer "Heil! Hitler."

What do you
think it's all about?

I wish I knew.

They said it's something
that's gonna happen

within the next
few days, but what?

Well, why don't we just wait and
see what it is when it happens?

Because when it happens,

it may turn out to be a happening
that we don't want to happen.

- Anything new on Klink?
- Nothing.

He keeps going to the mirror
to look at himself.

Still carrying on
that lifelong romance, huh?

What's the word
from the coffeepot, Kinch?

Nothing much.

He made a few phone calls,

one to his tailor to get
him to rush his new uniform.

- New uniform, huh?
- Yup.

And a couple of phone calls about
getting the camp cleaned up,

a few buildings painted.

That's interesting.

Do you think it's
a clue, colonel?

Yeah, it means
something we're looking for

is a someone.

- I say, that's good thinking.
- That's why I'm a colonel.

If it's a someone, who is it?

If I was that smart,
I'd be a general.

I'll have to go to work on Klink.

Come in, come in.

Yes, Hogan, what
is it? I'm busy.

I know, sir.

| have the men
cleaning the barracks,

getting their uniforms in shape.

That's good.

So you'll have nothing
to worry about when he...

What'd you say?

Nothing, forget it.
Slip of the tongue.

You said "he." Who do you mean?

Nobody, I didn't say anything.

Hogan, I heard you.
What do you know?

Absolutely nothing.

Only you
and General Burkhalter know.

| can tell when a man is lying.
You do know.

Colonel, it's uncanny
the way you see through someone.

- Who else knows?
- Nobody.

| give you my word as an officer
and a gentleman,

- I haven't told my men.
- You're sure the men don't know?

| just gave you my word.

Personally,
| think the man's a fraud.

You don't believe the formula
that he's working on?

Really, colonel,
do you believe it?

| must admit that a metal that's
stronger than steel and lighter

is quite a claim, but the high
command itself has checked it.

Come on, colonel,
if the high command is so smart,

what are they doing
on the Russian front?

- He's a very famous scientist.
- Famous, my foot.

I'll bet he's not even listed
in Who's Who.

I'll show you how smart you are.

He is listed. I looked it up.

There.

"Karl Svenson,

Swedish chemist
specialising in metal alloys."

You see? I told
you he was listed.

| should have bet you
just to teach you a lesson.

Yeah, I admit I was wrong.

Now I can see
why you're going to

all this trouble to impress him,

to win him over.

Shows how much you know.
We've already won him over.

We just want to prove to him

what wonderful, warm people
we Germans are.

Well, yeah, you can't
keep a thing like that a secret.

Hogan.

| wish I Knew how you
found out about Dr. Svenson.

| bet it was somebody
with a big mouth.

Well, that I can tell you.
It was somebody with a big mouth.

All right,
here's the story on Svenson.

Everything they know about him,
from Allied headquarters.

He's quite a boy, a genius.

They know
he was working on the alloy,

but they didn't
know he'd finished it.

What's so important
about Svenson's alloy?

Can you imagine
an airplane that's

faster because it's lighter,

and with an armour that's
stronger than anything we have?

And tanks and battleships?
Just to name a few.

What are we gonna do, colonel,
steal the formula?

No, we wouldn't be sure
if we had the right formula.

We're not even sure
he has it with him.

The only thing we
can be sure about

is he hasn't turned it over
to the Nazis yet.

Otherwise they wouldn't be making
such a big fuss over him.

Well, we have to stop him
before he turns it over.

- That's right.
- How are we going to do that?

There's only one way.

We gotta knock him off.

Well, Dr. Svenson, what do you
think about our little stalag?

Well, I must tell you the truth.

| do not like
prisons of any kind.

| don't like them either.
But we have our jobs to perform.

Yours is science,
mine is running a prison.

Well, I suppose a POW camp
is a necessary evil.

What a wonderful thought,
and how beautifully expressed.

Oh, yes, my men are happy here.

But one hears such terrible
stories of POW camps.

Oh, no...

Sorry, I didn't know
you were busy.

I'll come back.

Stay, we're never
too busy for you.

One of our prisoners.
Hogan, what can I do for you?

Look for yourself, sir.
Healthy, happy.

As always, I am at your service.

All the men think of me
like their father.

Everything all right?

Everything is all right, isn't
it, Hogan? Any complaints? No?

- No complaints, are there?
- I'm doing my best.

| can't think of one,
not one complaint.

- And you are happy here?
- Oh, very happy, delirious.

Oh, we're one big happy family.

We live together, we sleep
together, we eat together.

That reminds me, colonel.

- There is one complaint.
- There's one complaint?

Yes, at dinner last night,

there was just a touch too much
lemon in the sauce béarnaise.

| remember that.

Remind me, | must talk
to the cook about that.

| am very glad to see that
you treat your prisoners so well.

- Oh, the colonel's all heart.
- Oh, yes, I am.

You see, my men are
prisoners in name only.

| give them
all the freedom in the world.

Yeah, well,
| must be getting back to town.

By all means.
May I take you in my car?

It's a nice little
town, isn't it?

You have been there?

Oh, yes, every
week Colonel Klink

allows us to go to town on pass.

It's part of the honour system.
Isn't that right?

Yes, that's right.

That is very
enlightened treatment.

And no one ever tries to escape?

Oh, heavens to Betsy, why should
we when we have it so good here?

That reminds me,
it may have slipped your mind:

The men and I haven't been
to town in over two weeks.

- Some other time?
- They're gonna be disappointed.

| don't wanna discuss it.

First time you've gone back
on your word, sir.

| don't know
how I'm gonna tell the men.

Hogan.

Well, I didn't wanna
spoil the surprise, sir,

but they were going to town
to get you a birthday present.

It's not my birthday.

Birthdays aren't
on the calendar.

It's in the heart.

Colonel, it seems to me, if the
men are looking forward to it...

I'd love to,
but there's no transportation.

- We'll go in your car.
- It's too crowded.

- I wouldn't care.
- Then it's settled. I'll pack.

Good.

- Hold it. Halt.
- Take it easy, Schultz.

I'm just getting a drink of
water. Don't be so jumpy.

You heard
what the commandant said:

"No monkey business."

So everybody sit
down and no tricks.

Come on, Schultz,

you wouldn't really shoot us,
would you?

| have my instructions.
"If necessary, shoot to kill."

So no funny stuff.

All right, fellas,
take it easy on Schultz.

Boy, some vacation.

We might just as
well be back at camp

for all the good
we're doing here.

| wouldn't say that.
Svenson's room is on this floor.

At least we're close to him.

Yeah, well,
we ain't gonna get any closer,

not with that bloated
Doberman pinscher watching us.

Getting sleepy.

| think I'll take a nap too.

Lullaby and goodbye

Room 406, please.

Hello, Dr. Svenson?

Is Colonel Klink there?
General Burkhalter calling.

Send that boy to camp.

Hello, Klink?

You idiot,
what are you doing in town?

| am here at your office,
waiting for you.

Are you arguing with me, Klink?

Now, listen,

| want you back here at camp
right away.

| am counting.

One, two, three.

| think he'll break some records
getting back to camp.

- Got the bomb?
- Right here.

It's a most unusual fountain pen
for writing off people.

- That little thing is a bomb?
- We're only blowing up one guy.

How's it work?

When you take the top off,
it'll explode.

If you want a delayed
action, you twist

this little ring
that the clip's on.

It's like an egg timer.

Yeah, but instead of the egg
being finished,

it's the guy that gets finished.

| wish it wasn't Svenson.
He seems like a nice guy.

I'm not crazy about the idea
either, but it's gotta be done.

He's gonna wake himself up.

How can he? He
can't hear anything.

Come in.

- Doctor?
- Colonel Hogan.

| thought Colonel Klink was here.

Yes, he was,
but he left in quite a hurry.

Some business at the camp.

Won't you sit down?
I'll be with you in a minute.

Speaking of business, doctor,

are you gonna give the Nazis
your new metal alloy?

That is supposed to be a secret.

Not anymore.

- Whose side are you on?
- |am not on either side.

I'm not a politician,
I'm a scientist.

All I want is to end the war.

Good. And we wanna
be the ones to end it.

Doctor, I can get you out of

Germany with the
Allies in two days.

No. As soon as I
finish the formula...

You mean it isn't finished?

- Two or three more months' work.
- That's good news.

It gives me more time
to swing you over to our side.

| told you, I am not taking
sides. You are wasting your time.

| don't mind
wasting a little time if

I can get you to
see my point of view.

| am going
downstairs for a drink.

- Will you join me?
- I'd love to.

You want to write something?

Oh, I was gonna
send somebody a message,

but it can wait.

Everything happens to me

At first my heart thought
You could break the jinx for me

And love would turn the trick
To end despair

But now I just can't fool
this head That thinks for me

| mortgage all my
castles in the air

| telegraphed and phoned,
| sent an airmail special too

Look, if you don't like New York,
there's always California.

There was even postage too

| fell in love just once
And then it had to be with you

Everything happens to me

I...

| didn't realise
you were such a music lover.

I'll have to tell her how much
you enjoyed her performance.

You know her?
You know that wonderful girl?

- Can I meet her?
- I think it could be arranged.

Fine, how soon?

- Why not right now?
- Wonderful.

How's it all going?

| think | found the
good doctor's weakness.

In the report Kinch received
from headquarters,

what'd it say
about his being married?

Said he'd been down the aisle,
made the trip four times.

He's practically a commuter.

Yup, the good doctor's a sucker
for dames.

You know,
with a brainy fellow like that,

I'd have thought he'd have
a more dignified weakness,

you know,
like listening to symphonies.

Well, everybody
hears a different drummer.

I think I'm gonna
pay Magda a visit.

How does she fit into all this?

Now, if you were
in love with a girl

that was gonna go to Hollywood
for a screen test,

wouldn't you follow her?

Of course I would,
any man would.

The doctor's a man.

- Yeah? Who is it?
- An admirer.

| had to see you. I've never
seen such a performance.

- I've never been so moved.
- Oh, yeah, I noticed you.

You were the only one in the
audience who wasn't applauding.

Well, that's right.
| was so moved I couldn't move.

- You really liked me?
- Your talent is for the world.

- Excuse me, but who are you?
- I'm a Hollywood talent scout.

- In the middle of the war?
- I'm a neutral.

Tell me, have you ever thought
of being a Hollywood star?

A Hollywood star? Me?

Please don't say
no, they need you.

But...

- But how would I get there?
- Leave that to me.

There is a war going on.

Just let me hear you say,
"| wanna be a Hollywood star,"

and I'll arrange
for the screen test.

Well, then yes,

of course
| want to be a Hollywood star.

Then it's settled.

Oh, incidentally, these flowers
are from another admirer,

a very important man.

"For the flower of my heart.
Rudy Reisner."

Well, that's not his name.

It's Dr. Karl Svenson,
a famous scientist.

Svenson? I never heard of him.

Well, he's been doing
some secret work.

- But he's very famous.
- Oh, yeah.

He'd love you to have a
late supper with him tonight.

Well, why he doesn't
ask me himself?

Well, he's shy.
Do you know what he said to me?

He said, "You ask her.

| wouldn't know
how to speak to a goddess."

He said that? About me?

She really said that about me?
| can't believe it.

Maybe you'll believe it when she
comes to your room for supper.

- She's coming to my room?
- Insisted on it.

Wants to get to know you better.

Oh, how wonderful.

For the first time in my life,
I'm really in love.

You've been married four times.

Oh, that doesn't mean
that I was in love.

No, colonel, this
is the real thing.

Have you never felt the love

that comes to a man
once in a lifetime?

Dozens of times.

Another unhappy message from
Allied headquarters, colonel.

| don't blame them.

It's been almost a week

and I haven't been able to get
in touch with Svenson or Magda.

Headquarters is right.

| should've knocked Svenson off
in town when I had the chance

instead of trying to play Cupid.

But if your plan had worked, we
would've had Svenson on our side.

Yeah, but it didn't work.

Now he's gonna complete the
formula and give it to the Nazis.

Company coming.

General Burkhalter,

what an unexpected pleasure
to see you again, sir.

Unexpected, yes. Pleasure, no.

This is Herr Grosser
of the Gestapo.

Heil Hitler.

What reason would the
Gestapo have for being here?

Of course,
| will do everything in my power

to cooperate fully with you, sir.

Last Tuesday you went to town
with Dr. Karl Svenson.

Is that correct?

Yes, sir. But
that was all right.

General Burkhalter told me
to keep an eye on him.

On that evening, he met a
young lady, Magda Tischler,

with whom
he became romantically involved.

Since meeting her,
he has not worked on his formula,

for which our
government is waiting.

Well, that's love for you.

Oh, it was a terrible thing.

Klink,
you were responsible for Svenson.

How did it happen
that he met this young lady?

Because, sir, you ordered me to
come back here to camp at once.

When I got here, you weren't
here, not even a message.

- No!
- Yes! Sir, sir.

Returned to camp
at order of General Burkhalter.

This isn't true. | was at
my wife's sister's wedding.

General says he was at wedding.

Klink, are you trying to crawl
out of your responsibility?

No, sir. No, sir. No.

Gentlemen,
| must be honest with you.

When I make my report to Berlin,

you are both going to be
in very big trouble.

Very big trouble.

But I did get a call
from General Burkhalter.

Klink, you are the
last one I would

call. It's your fault
he met that girl.

How do you like that?
The romance did take.

Yeah, but now the Gestapo are
gonna put a fire under Svenson.

Yeah, I know, we've gotta figure
some way to get to him

before the Gestapo does.

This is a big day, more company.

We've gotta reach Svenson
and the girl.

Who is it?

You just said it.
Svenson and the girl.

Colonel Hogan, you are just
the man that I want to see.

Yeah, and there's somebody
who wants to see you. Look...

We want to get married, and
we want you to be our best man.

Congratulations, but your
honeymoon's gonna be delayed.

| am giving up
my career for Karl.

I'm no longer
interested in Hollywood.

| just want to be his wife.

Hate to break the bad news
to you kids,

but the Nazis don't like romance,
especially yours.

- What are you talking about?
- Here comes the Answer Man now.

Dr. Svenson, you tell them.

Didn't I get a call from
General Burkhalter in my room?

- Not that you called, general.
- That's enough.

- This woman is under arrest.
- You can't do that.

- We are being married.
- Yeah.

What are your grounds for arrest?

We cannot allow
anything to interfere

with your working
on the formula.

That makes this woman
an enemy of the Third Reich.

In that case, | have
stopped work on the formula.

Colonel Klink,

place them both under arrest
while I make my report to Berlin.

I'll pick up the prisoners later.

Who knows?

There may be a few more prisoners
by then, huh?

Excuse me, sir.
| believe you dropped this.

Come with me.

All right, get
down in the tunnel.

There'll be somebody at the end
to get you to England.

| don't know how to thank you
for all of this.

Giving the formula to our side
is thanks enough.

Wait a minute, there is
another thanks you can give me:

A kiss from the bride.

- Goodbye.
- Good luck.

Another day, another dollar.

You all saw what happened.

| was never near the car
when it exploded, was |?

That's right. That's what
I'll tell them when they ask.

And don't forget, I was right
here with General Burkhalter.

- Well, let's see, now, were you?
- You know I was.

Yes, of course. Yes, you were.

But there will be
a very thorough investigation.

That's right. Who knows
what they might find out?

There is one thing, though.

Nobody will get
to see his report.

- That's right, no report.
- What about Svenson?

That's right,
what about Dr. Svenson?

| thought I saw
Svenson get in the

car with the Gestapo
man, didn't you?

Yes, I think I saw that too.

I know I saw it
with my own eyes.

But what if Dr. Svenson...?

Are you going to question
the general?

General Burkhalter,
if you saw it with your eyes,

| saw it with my own eyes.