All language subtitles for Hogans Heroes S03E05 Funny Thing Happened on the Way to London_prob4.eng

- Schultz, everything ready?

- Yes, Herr Kommandant,
as you ordered.

- Good.

- Herr Kommandant, shall
I put the prisoners

into the barracks?

- No, leave them alone.

I want them to see who is
arriving, especially Hogan.

- Ooh, I understand.

- No, you don't, but
that's nothing new.

- Blood and guts drags
out the welcome mat,

it's gotta be something.

- And he's smiling.

- And when he's
smiling, he's happy.

When is he happy?

- When he's being a sneak.

Correct.

- That's an RAF officer.

A group captain at least.

- Now, why are they taking
him to special quarters?

- Yes, there'
something going on.

- Who is he?

Don't worry,
Colonel, we'll find out for you.

I tell you what,
we'll work day and night.

We'll find out.

- All right, all right,
hold it, hold it.

Appreciate your spirit,
but don't waste your time,

I already know who it is.

It's Group Captain
James Roberts.

An important RAF officer,
and a good friend of mine.

Now let's find out why he's
getting the VIP treatment.

To a
successful mission.

- And to the elimination
of the number one enemy

of the Third Reich,
Winston Churchill.

And Himmler will
settle for nothing less

than perfection itself.

- Of course, Major.

Now, if I were in
his place, I would-

- Fortunately for
Germany, you are not.

Is everything crystal clear?

- Major, it cannot fail because
it is simplicity itself.

- Exactly.

I knew you would understand
anything simple, Klink.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Now I believe that
it would be best-

- Colonel Klink, Colonel Hogan
has requested to see you.

- Oh, please, let him come in.

- Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

- Our fish is
nibbling at the bait.

My fish.

- Colonel Klink.

- Yes, Hogan, what
is it, what is it?

- You have a new prisoner, Group
Captain James Roberts, RAF,

I wanna see him.

- He wants to see the prisoner.

- That's not surprising.

That's not surprising.

- Of course, now that
I've made the request,

I'm sure you'll deny it.

- He said we'll deny it.
- We will?

- We will?

- As senior officer here,
I'm entitled to talk to

any new prisoner brought into
this stalag, and you know it.

If I'm not allowed to see him,
it'll be in direct violation

of the Geneva Prisoner
of War Convention,

and I'll make a formal
complaint to the Red Cross

and their protecting power.

- Very well, you may
see the prisoner.

- You may see the prisoner.

- And believe me, when word
gets back to the big boys

on our side, you'll see
what happens to Ger...

What'd you say?

- I said you may see the
prisoner anytime you like.

- There you are, Hogan, your
request has been granted.

- You guys oughta give
me a little notice

when you're gonna
do something decent.

Really?

- Yeah, I faint very easily.

- I went along on a recon
mission over the French coast

to have a look at
their fortifications.

And that's
when they got you?

- Right.

Two Messerschmitt's came
up, had a proper go at us,

blasted our port engine.

Had to bail out.

And I hadn't a
prayer on the ground,

they nabbed me straight away.

- How long were you at Stalag 9?

- Oh, roughly two
months, I'd say.

But they behaved decently
enough for Jerrys,

but still, jolly strenuous.

- Interrogation?
- Days of it. Weeks, in fact.

They never gave me
a moment of privacy,

they took pictures of me,

recorded my voice,
rather questionably.

- Recorded your voice why?

- I haven't the
foggiest, old boy,

but you know the
way the Krauts are,

sticklers for detail,
never miss a trick.

- Yeah, I know.

- Hogan, what are you doing?

- Oh, nothing, just stretching.

- Well, uh, how
are you getting on

here in Stalag 13?

- Oh, deliriously happy.

- I must say, it's rather
a gummy looking place.

- I did ask for a POW camp
on the French Riviera,

but they couldn't
get me a reservation.

It seems they were all
full up for the season.

- All full up for the season?

That's jolly good.

- Our little plan
seems to be going well.

Our little plan?

- Ah, the Gestapo is most
efficient, I always say.

- Thank you, Klink.
Now be quiet.

- Well, Robbie, I guess
I'll be going along.

- Well, awfully decent
of you to stop by.

- Try to stop by again
tomorrow if the Krauts let me.

- Jolly good.
- So long.

Krauts are up to something big,

and I think it may involve you.

What did they question
you about at Stalag 9?

- Everything.

They know I'm on Air
Marshal Titters' staff,

RAF liaison with
the War Council,

That I attend briefings
they give to Sir Winston.

- That's very convenient.

They fell all over themselves

giving me permission to see you.

And alone. Again, why?

- Well, that's anybody's guess.

- Time to stop
guessing and find out.

Robbie, I can't believe
he'd have anything to do

with killing Churchill.

- He said it himself, he
can get near Churchill.

The Krauts are treating
him very nicely.

I think he sold out.

- Him? Collaborate with a Nazi?

That man over there is British.

- Not Robbie.

- I'm sorry, Colonel,
we've got to consider it.

- Even if he was involved,
why transfer him to Stalag 13?

Krauts had him on
ice at Stalag 9.

- Colonel, colonel,
there's something going on

in Klink's office.

I had the bug tuned in
and I heard him talking.

Sounds important.

- And so far, every
detail of our plan

has worked beautifully.

- Yes, beautifully.

- Major, I've been
through a good deal

in the last few months
without being told anything.

- Hey, they got
Roberts in there.

- Oui, and he's making
noises like one of them.

- Now, I should like to know.
Exactly what is my mission?

- You have been chosen to
kill the greatest enemy

the Germans have in this war.

Winston Churchill.

- Voila, the sellout.

- No, he won't do it.

- Right, sir, not
one of our lads.

- Major,

I am honored.

That bleedin' traitor.

- Hold it.

- Oh, I too am honored.

I mean, I'm honored
to be part of this.

- Group Captain Roberts has
the highest security clearance.

He is frequently near
Churchill when the

British War Council meets.

On one of those occasions,
you will shoot him.

- And please don't miss him.

I mean, the Major

has gone to a lot of
trouble to set this up.

It has been very expensive.

- You will be flown from
here to the Belgian Coast.

There you will take a small
boat across the channel.

The final leg of your miraculous
escape from the Germans.

- I understand, sir.

- And when does the major leave?

- Not when, but how
is most important.

For purposes of
your cover story,

you will ask Colonel Hogan
to help you escape from here.

The Kommandant will make sure
you are not caught in the act.

- Very ingenious.

- Major Hochstetter,
there has never been

a successful escape
from Stalag 13.

Now you're destroying

a brilliant record

- We can destroy Stalag
13's record here,

or your own brilliant
record will come to an end

on the Russian front,

about 10 minutes after
you arrive there.

Your choice.

- I think you will have a
marvelous escape. Good luck.

- All right, Klink.
Bring in our guest.

Fraulein Hilda,
send in our guest.

- In heaven's name.

- Group Captain Roberts,
Wergner Baumann.

- Group Captain.

- He could be my twin.

- Anyway, he is.
- He is.

- Double.

- Those twisters.

- They can't do
that. It's illegal.

- Fantastic.

- They do wonders
with plastic surgery.

I have this friend
in Dusseldorf,

a Mrs. Schwink, charming woman,

slight sag around the chin,
well, you know how it is.

She found this surgeon
at the Halsberger,

now he advised her to-

- Not now, Klink.

- This is monstrous.

- Wergner looked a great
deal like you to start,

but the surgeons have
done a remarkable job, no?

- The pictures. That's why
you took those pictures of me.

- Yes, indeed, Group Captain.

From the beginning it's
been rather a lark.

Jolly good fun, actually.

- He's even imitated my voice.

Of course, the recordings.

- Colonel, how'd they get
the double in the camp

without us seeing him?

- That's what I'd like to know.

- They could have
sneaked him in any night.

- We're supposed to know

everything that
goes on around here.

That's what I thought.

- Okay, I am satisfied.

- So am I.

I'm glad.

- I don't think we need
detain Group Captain Roberts

any longer, Colonel.

- Oh, of course not, Major.

We should move you to slightly
less comfortable quarters,

but much more shall
I say, colorful.

- Whatever it is
you're planning,

you won't get away with
it, I promise you that.

- Guard!

- Carter, outside, see
where they take him.

Back on the double.

- Right, Colonel.

- Now, there remains
one important test.

The real reason you
were brought here.

Today you will move into
Captain Robert's quarters.

Then you will ask to see
your friend, Colonel Hogan.

- And he must believe
that I am Roberts.

- Exactly.

- They were very good
friends when Hogan

was assigned to the RAF.

If you can deceive him, you
are ready for your mission.

- And I think he
can do it, Major.

- There is one final detail.

This was developed

by the Gestapo section eight.

It is carried strapped
to the forearm, so.

Under the tunic, of course.
And fired by muscular action.

- With that he
certainly can't miss.

- When he shakes hands with
Churchill, he fires the gun.

- There's a shot that'll
be heard 'round the world.

- Colonel, can't we stop it?

I mean that's Winnie they're
talkin' about blastin'.

- Well, if you notified London.

- Sure, then they'll
grab the assassin

before he can do any harm.

- That's it Kinch, warm
up the tubes a bit.

- Yeah, but it
won't save Roberts.

The Krauts can't afford to have

two Captain Roberts
running around.

- So they'll kill
the real one, huh?

- Five minutes after
the phony takes off.

- Can't we spring Roberts?
- How?

- We haven't got a chance.

- That's about all we
do have is one chance.

- They put Roberts
in the cooler, sir.

- Still have a branch
tunnel leading in there?

- Yes, it connects with
the emergency tunnel.

- Well, let's get
him out tonight.

- We can't move Roberts until

we're sure we have
his double stopped.

- No problem there, sir, you
just give me one of our guns,

and I'll put a nice little
hole right between his eyes.

That might not stop him, but
it'd slow him down a bit.

- Great, great.

And then the Gestapo stops
us with a firing squad.

- Sir, we just can't let him
have a shot at ol' Winnie.

I'm with you, Newkirk.

- I mean, the war wouldn't
be the same without him.

Yeah, you did it.

Come on, Colonel, it's your
turn,

Let's go. Let's go.

All
right, very nice.

- We checked the
tunnel into the cooler.

- First class conditions, sir.

No cave-ins anywhere.
Use it anytime you want.

- Good.

- Hey, you know,
maybe after the war,

we oughta get a job
digging tunnels.

- Yeah, we could go
from jail to jail

and charge by the foot.

- Use the money to
pay your psychiatrist.

- I don't need a psychiatrist.

- Yes, it may be a
little late at that.

- Colonel!
- Yeah, Schultz.

- Captain Roberts
wants to see you.

- All right, did you
check in with Klink first?

- Yeah, Kammandant
Klink says you can have

10 minutes with the prisoner.

- 10 minutes? Aw,
come on, Schultz.

Hardly long enough to
eat a chocolate bar.

20 minutes?

Eat slowly.

Hey, Schultz!

- Come on, put one up.
- Come on, Schultzie!

Come on, Schultzie, come on.

- Escape?
- Right.

- I have idea what the
Jerrys have in mind for me,

I'd rather take my chances.

- This is not just
an ordinary stalag,

there's never been
a successful escape.

- Oh, perhaps I can
reverse the trend.

- A perfect no escape record.

Now if all the stalags
in Germany could-

- Klink, you're blowing
up like a Pouter pigeon.

Listen.

- It takes weeks to
dig a tunnel for you.

- No, no, that's
out of the question.

I want to do this rather
the simple, direct way.

- Robbie, you're dealing with

the toughest
Kammandant in Germany.

Behind that stupid
expression, there's a monster.

- I didn't have a chance to tell

you when you were last here.

Managed to bring a pair of
wire cutters from Stalag 9.

- You just go out and cut
the wire and get away?

- Exactly.

The Huns won't expect
anything so bold and simple.

- Just might work if we
ensured it with a diversion.

- Jolly good idea, a
diversion would help.

- I'll have one of my
boys start something

at the other end of camp,

should draw the
Krauts away from you.

- Excellent, that'll give
me a fighting chance.

Look, shall we lay
it on for tonight?

- Good, 9:00. It's when
they change the guard.

They're a little disorganized.

- Righto.

Well, how can I ever
thank you, Hogan?

- When you get to England,
give my regards to Churchill.

- Churchhill?

Oh yes, of course,
old Winnie. I'll do that.

- Perfect, it's
going like clockwork.

- We must have a car waiting

to take Baumann to the airfield.

- I'll arrange that, you
can depend on me, Major.

- I will arrange it,
I'd rather depend on me.

- Well now that you
mention it, so would I.

- All right, stick to the
schedule, and it should work.

- What if anything goes wrong?

- Don't be afraid to use them.

- Car's wailing
on the road, sir.

- German efficiency.

- And two goons
in the front seat.

- All right, Kinch,
Newkirk move out.

- Right, sir.
- Right, sir.

- Why do I miss all the action?

- Stop complaining, this whole
operation depends on you.

You all set?

- Sure, I cook while
everybody else fights a war.

- I'll see that De Gaulle
gives you an oak leaf cluster

and a crepe Suzette,
now move it.

- Sir, I want you to meet
your replacement, Claude.

Time to go up, sir.
The bus is waiting.

- Oh, jolly good.

- There you go.

- I think he's
gaining weight, sir.

- All set?

- Uh-huh.

- We'll go through the window.

- Here they are.

Moving towards the wire.

- Have the guards been alerted?

- The men guarding the
wire have been told

to look the other way.

- Sergeant Schultz is watching
the Englander in the cooler.

I have taken care of everything.

- Excellent, Klink.

- Speak in English, you fool,

I'm Group Captain
James Roberts, RAF.

- Yes, sir.

- Right, let's get on with it.

- Ooh!

- Potato pancakes,
I made some extra.

It is

- Let me get a few
to the captain.

- It's against order,
nobody goes in there.

- Oh, come on, Schultzie.

- You're not supposed to
be out of the barracks!

You're not supposed to be here,

you're not supposed
to go in there.

- Okay, you win.

Wait a minute.

Don't be so hasty.

- Come on, hurry it up, Robbie.

- You said there'd
be a diversion. When?

- Don't worry, cut, cut.

- Captain?

Captain, one of the prisoners
has a surprise for you.

Hello, Captain.

Captain?

That's not Captain Roberts.

- He must have sneaked out.
I bet he's trying to escape.

Ooh, we're in trouble.

Where would he go?

- Try the wire
near the main gate.

Right.

How did you know?

- If I was going to escape,
that's where I would go.

Okay.

Keep the pancakes warm.

- A-ha! Halt!

I caught you in time.

- Don't shoot, comrade!

- Put your hands
up, they got us.

- So, Captain Roberts, huh?

- Lieutenant Baumann,
special mission.

- Lieutenant Baumann?

- Don't listen to him, Schultz,

English officers
are very clever,

he's trying to confuse you.

Give up, Robbie, you're
going to get us shot.

- I demand to see
Major Hochstetter.

- Put him back into the cooler.

If he tries anything, shoot him.

I'll report you to the
Kommandant. Come on!

- Want me to come
along, Schultz?

- Yes, it would be very nice,

especially when you where
trying to help him to escape.

March!

- Ja? Ja? How, how long?

Excellent, excellent, good
work. Ja, Heil Hitler.

The airfield reports that
Baumann, alias Roberts took off

for Belgium five minutes ago.

- Oh, marvelous news, Major.
Congratulations to both of us.

- Both of us?

- Well, I'd like to feel
I had a small part in it.

- Yeah, very small.

- In your report to the
Gestapo, could you possibly-

Herr Kommandant!

- Not now, Schultz.
- Could you possibly-

- Herr Kommandant!

I am reporting that I
captured the prisoner

who was trying to escape.

- That's true.

- Obviously the diversion.

- Yes, of course, the diversion.

- I'd like to make a confession.

Sergeant Schultz
gets full credit.

- All right, Hogan,
some other time.

In your report, Major,
please mention my name.

- If I do something
wrong, no good.

If I do something right,
it's no good, either.

- Don't worry, Schultz,
I'll see that you get

full credit for the capture.

- Ah, you're nice,
Colonel Hogan.

You might be my enemy, but
sometimes you're also my friend.

- Look at it this way, Schultz.

You've got me as a friend, you
don't really need an enemy.

Thank you.

Anytime, Schultz, anytime.

- Ah, Major, here
is your prisoner.

So, Sergeant Schultz, you caught
Group Captain Roberts, huh?

- Good work, Sergeant.

- I am not Group
Captain Roberts.

I am Lieutenant Baumann.

He keeps saying that.

- If you are Lieutenant
Baumann, then speak German.

What was your mission?

Winston Churchill

- Oh, this can't be!

But I just had the report
that the Englishman

then crossed the Channel
early this morning

protected by the Luftwaffe.

Klink, I will mention
you in my report!

But I don't understand, I...

- You're a very clever
adversary, Colonel Hogan.

My congratulation.

Thanks.

- Hogan!
- Well, don't blame me,

I didn't know his
arm was loaded.