Original subtitles

- And I'm telling you, London, it can't be done.

Sure, we know where the tunnel is,

but if the Krauts are running

a rocket fuel convoy through there,

it'll be heavily guarded.

Besides, it's too far from Stalag 13

to take all my men.

- We've arranged all that, Old Boy.

Made contact with an underground group.

They'll meet you tomorrow night

at 2200 hours at rendezvous point 906.

Oh, and you'd better use recognition code one four.

We hear these people are eccentric

but keen, terribly keen.

- They better be.

Blowing up a tunnel and a convoy

should call for a battalion.

- We can go you one better, Old Boy.

Chap of ours worked out a special plan for this operation.

Got it all in his head.

Unfortunately.

- Why?

Where's his head?

- Oh, no problem there.

You can pick him up on your way to the rendezvous point.

Caught his foot in a trap a while back.

Jerries got him in Stalag 16.

- We've gotta break him outta Stalag 16?

Is it worth it?

- He's got such a beautiful concept

of the whole operation, Old Boy.

We've named it after him.

The Crittendon plan.

- Not Colonel Crittendon?

- Aha, you know him!

- I know he's the most incompetent officer

in the entire British army.

That's how well I know him.

Fooled you too, eh, did he?

Razor sharp, old Critt, razor sharp.

You'll pick up the usual things,

explosives, short wave, and so on.

Best of luck, chaps.

- Hey, wait a minute.

- Colonel, not Crittendon.

Crittendon!

- They gotta be kiddin'.

- It'll be a disaster.

A complete impossible disaster.

Just tell me one thing,

one thing he's ever done right.

- Well, he always put a lot of faith in me.

Good, you're going with us.

- Congratulations. - Serves you right, big mouth.

- I didn't say I put a lot of faith in him,

I just said...

- You're escaping tonight.

I'll join you tomorrow.

Let's go.

- But how're we gonna do it, Colonel?

I mean, blowing up a whole convoy in a tunnel,

that's a pretty big job.

- Why ask me?

It's all in the Crittendon plan.

- The Crittendon plan, yes sir.

I'm sure it's all in there.

Report!

- Herr Commandant, I beg your pardon?

- Schultz, what is it, what is it?

- I don't know how to say it, Herr Commandant.

- Schultz, what is the matter with you?

You say all present and accounted for.

Now say it!

- I would give my life if I would be able to say it,

but I-

- Unfortunately Commandant, there's been an escape.

- Escape?

Schultz, did you sound the alarm?

- Too late, Commandant.

Happened early last night, Carter.

He's long gone.

- Long gone?

Schultz, I will have your head for this.

Berlin will have my head.

The one thing they would never question

was my perfect record.

Now it's gone.

- Could we call out the dogs?

- Call out the-

- No chance, Commandant.

- Why not?

- Carter thinks like a dog.

- Yes, he thinks like a dog,

but he must be recaptured.

- You got a problem, Commandant,

because there's only one man in Stalag 13

who knows how to find him.

- Who's that?

- Me, I think like him.

- Hogan, this is a trick.

I'm not letting you out of this camp.

- Commandant, do you really think I'd go out

and hunt down one of my own men?

- I order you to go.

- It'll never work, sir.

- Hogan, what am I to do?

- Wait for your transfer.

Russian front.

- Russian front.

- We'll wait for your replacement.

A beast, probably

- A beast, of course.

- Won't be a man of your culture, humanity.

Prisoners will suffer.

- The prisoners will suffer, yes.

Why not?

But,

Hogan, you owe it to your men to bring him back.

- Really, sir?

- Look at them.

What would it mean

to those poor devils if they were to lose me?

- More than you'll ever know, sir.

- Then go.

- I'll do it.

- Under heavy guard, of course.

- Hair trigger, Schultz?

Colonel.

- Oh Schultz, you idiot.

You don't salute him, he's your prisoner.

And see to it that it stays that way.

- And bring Carter back.

Dismissed!

- Colonel Hogan, what are we really going to do?

- Well, Schultz, first.

- Tell me nothing, nothing!

- Colonel Hogan, I must protest.

What are we doing here?

- Looking for Carter.

- We were sent out to look for Carter.

What is looking for Carter to do

with the many stops we were making?

What has looking for Carter to do with all the supplies

and bundles you were loading back there?

German uniforms, guns, a radio,

and boxes of something

that looks like something I do not want to look at.

- Dynamite.

- Please, Colonel.

What are we doing here?

- Looking for Carter.

- Looking for Cart-

- There he is now.

- It is Carter!

Carter, you under arrest!

Please, wait.

I found you, Carter.

You are my prisoner.

- Hi Schultz.

- Get into the truck.

No tricks!

Get in!

- Where are we going, Schultz?

- Back to Stalag 13, where else?

- I thought we'd go to Stalag 16.

- Why, why?

- Well we have orders to pick up a prisoner.

- What prisoner?

What orders?

- My German uniform in the back of the truck.

- Well, shall we go?

- Wait!

We are going back to Stalag 13 and nowhere else.

Now back into the truck.

March!

- Just thinking of you, Schultz.

- Do not think of me.

Halt!

Why are you thinking of me?

- Gestapo pick up your trail yet, Carter?

- Oh, yes sir.

They're close behind me that way.

- I welcome the Gestapo.

I captured a very dangerous escaped prisoner.

Single handed.

- Sure Schultz.

And they'll probably give you a medal for that stuff

in the back of the truck.

- I know nothing of what's in the back of the truck!

Nothing.

- And I'll back you up every inch of the way.

As long as I can humanly hold out.

- We might not crack for hours.

- Let's go to Stalag 16.

Get in the truck, !

- You'll never regret it, Schultz.

- Go ahead sir, I read you loud and clear.

- Oh, I'm so glad.

Mission underway there, chaps?

- Our men are on their way, sir.

Hours ago.

- Oh, I say, that's a bit of a fix.

- What is?

- Well, our mistake really.

Though completely understandable.

The Colonel Crittendon in Stalag 16

isn't the man for the job at all.

- It's the wrong Crittendon?

- And the Colonel Crittendon we want is in Stalag Two.

- Fine sir.

- Yes, well you see where we got our wires crossed is this,

that donkey in Stalag 16 submitted a perfectly

dreadful plan about a year back for growing geraniums

along the runways of all our aero drones.

Called it the Crittendon plan.

Yes, you can understand our mistake.

- Perfectly, sir.

- Any possibility of getting word

to your men in the field?

- Not a prayer.

- Oh, too bad.

Well, they'll just have to muddle through, won't they?

Best of luck, chaps.

- Right-o.

- Colonel Crittendon, Major.

- What's going on here?

- Quiet!

We will question the prisoner in private.

- Of course, Major, I understand.

- I must say I'm surprised

at you chaps going over to Jerry.

You especially, Carter.

- We did not turn traitor.

We forged some papers to get you outta here.

So listen.

- Actually, well there's jolly sporting of you,

but I have my own tunnel working here.

Three or four months, I'll be free as a bird.

- Crittendon.

- Happens every time.

- Listen to me.

You're going out of here with us tonight.

But first I've gotta be sure.

Did you or did you not formulate something

for the war office known as the Crittendon plan?

- Of course!

That's why you've come for me.

So they're actually going to do it.

The Crittendon plan.

- Well that does it.

Get the guards.

- Yes sir.

You know Colonel, actually I always did think

that Colonel Critt-

- Get the guard.

- Yes sir.

- Guard!

- This is our man.

Get his things together and follow us.

- Can't believe they're going through it, Hogan.

- All I can say Crittendon, is it better be good.

- Good?

It's superb.

Imagine the morale boost to those young flying chaps,

setting down in dear old England,

between a carpet of crimson geraniums.

Geraniums?

- Of course.

Straight from a horror of war.

Like coming home to mothers cottage.

Tremendous psychological factor there, chaps.

- That's the Crittendon Plan?

- Geraniums lining every runway.

And they're going to do it.

- Any way we can leave him, sir?

- Afraid not, but I'd love to.

- Something wrong?

- Nothing, nothing at all.

Let's go plant geraniums.

- Carry on, chaps.

Chins up.

See you in Tipperary.

- Yes?

Sergeant Schultz, yes, put him on.

Where have you been?

I don't wanna report on traffic conditions.

Have you captured Carter, yes or no?

- Herr Commandant, we definitely captured him.

Most definitely.

- Then why don't you bring him back?

- Ooh, very good idea, Commandant, very good.

As soon as certain details have been worked out.

- Schultz, what is the matter with you?

Have you got Carter or not?

I want a straight answer.

- Oh, I would like to give you one,

but like Hogan always says,

life is not always black and white.

What he means by that, I do not know.

- Schultz, when I want philosophy from Hogan,

I'll ask him.

- Oh, an excellent idea.

I shall put him on.

- Schultz, I don't wanna talk to Hogan.

Schultz!

- Highly irregular.

- Excuse me, please, Colonel Hogan.

Kommandant Klink would like to speak to you.

- Much too busy for that, Schulz.

Tell him will you?

- But if I tell him, Colonel Hogan,

he might ask what are you so busy doing?

- Alright, I'll tell you.

- Please, I'll make up something.

- Now look, Crittendon.

It's almost rendezvous time.

Our people are gonna be here.

Are you in with us or not?

- But dash it all, Hogan,

a prisoner's duty is to escape

and get back to his own lines.

Now what's that got to do with blowing up convoys?

- I explained that to you.

The people we're to meet here

are highly suspicious by nature.

Otherwise they wouldn't be alive.

They're expecting us to have a Colonel Crittendon

who has the master plan to this whole operation.

Can't tell 'em we have the wrong Crittendon.

They'd pull out in a minute.

- We couldn't switch the whole thing

to planting geraniums, I suppose?

- No!

- I see.

- Colonel, I think our people just came in.

- Alright, I'll do the talking.

Don't get pinned down on anything.

I'll answer the questions.

- Here, do you really think you should?

- Yes.

- Just asking.

- I believe I have a spot on my left sleeve.

It must be from this Stroganoff.

- I love to play Parcheesi on Sunday.

- It's early in the year for Stroganoff, is it not?

- As a boy, I had a pet rabbit.

I miss him.

- I had a bunny once.

Miss him terribly at times.

- That is not in the code.

- Sit down, sit down.

He's adlibbing.

Dull code otherwise.

- You are Hogan?

- Sergeant Carter, Colonel Crittendon.

- I do not like it.

You should have more men.

- And if you were more of a man, we would need less men.

- We're all specialists and we have the plan,

the um, Crittendon Plan.

- Tell it to me.

- Which one?

- Not now, later, in the morning.

- I must, I must hear the plan.

- Don't be an old woman.

They will tell you the plan

when they tell you the plan.

- I do not trust them.

- And why should they trust you?

- Excuse me.

- What is this, a German?

- He's a neutral.

- Could you speak to Kommandant Klink,

just for a little moment?

- Who is this Klink? - I'm sorry, Schultz.

- We were just leaving. - Where are we going?

- You stay here.

It won't be more than a day or two.

- A day or two?

- All right, not more than a week.

- A week?

- One thing.

Tonight, tomorrow, no time,

no one touches the girl.

- What girl?

- Girl? - What girl?

- No one touches her.

- Of course, of course.

- No, naturally.

- Never entered my mind.

- Oh boy.

- What? What's up?

- Shh.

Where are the others?

- They left to look at the tunnel.

- What, without me?

- You were born under a lucky star.

- Well, ah, shouldn't we go

and look for them or something?

- I will lead you.

- Oh.

Are you sure you know the way?

- I've been there before.

- They will post the guard there tomorrow morning.

About 50 troops.

- And how do we fight 50 Germans?

- We don't.

We open fire on the convoy

about a half a mile from the tunnel.

We stop the lead truck

so the others bunch up,

and we call in the bombers to go to work on the rocket fuel.

- Where do we get the bombers?

- Get in touch with 'em by short wave.

Have a flight of B-17s standing by.

As soon as we find out what time the convoy arrives,

we radio the information.

- What of the tunnel?

- Blow that, too.

Bombers will force the Germans inside.

We'll sneak up and lob in some high explosives.

- Eh, dangerous plan.

- May be some losses.

What time's the convoy get here?

- Tell him.

- They come two hours after the guard is posted

at that tunnel.

- All right, let's go.

- Carter?

- Hey Colonel, I got some beauties here.

- Where is the girl?

- She's not here?

- Where's Crittendon?

- Well, he's right over there asleep.

I, I don't know.

- I said no one touches the girl.

Hello there, chaps.

Oh, we had a deuce of a job finding you.

But we had quite a jolly chat together, really.

- What did you do with him?

- Not what you think, pig.

I asked him some questions

that you should have asked him last night.

He has no plan at all, did you know that?

He knows nothing about the convoy.

He wants to plant geraniums somewhere.

- Crittendon!

- Well, she uh, seemed sincerely interested.

- No!

- Now you will call to no one to betray us.

No one.

- Yeah, I guess we won't.

- Oh, bad show.

All right, time to go, Carter.

Ready with that thing?

- I hope so.

It's the best I could do on short notice.

- You are going nowhere.

- I already explained to you what happened.

We simply got the wrong Colonel Crittendon, that's all.

No offense, Colonel.

- Quite all right.

- For that you can shoot us,

or you can stay here, or you can come with us.

But we're gonna try to stop that convoy.

Get in the truck, Carter.

- Right Colonel.

- No!

- He will not shoot.

I am going with them.

- But they have no chance.

- Perhaps, but they are going to fight Germans,

and that is what I am going to do,

fight Germans.

- I do not believe them.

- You are afraid.

You?

- The girl stays with me.

- Who wants to die by inches?

I am going.

- You have no chance!

- All right, Crittendon, you're sure you've got it?

- Got it, Old Boy.

Oh, having a spot of trouble holding it though.

- We're talking about procedure.

- Ah!

- Now, you're under the truck with the bomb.

- Yes indeed.

- When we stop the lead truck in the convoy,

you crawl under it and tape the bomb to the gas tank.

- Right.

- It's set to go off when they're in the tunnel.

- Well, I'll do my best, Old Boy.

Not exactly my line of work though, you know.

- Truck coming, Colonel.

- Alright, Carter, set the bomb.

Uh, oh, bad news.

Marko's in the front seat with a couple of Krouts.

- That pig.

- What do we do now, Colonel?

- Go through with it.

- I shall cover him from the side of the road.

If he opens his mouth, I fire.

- But if he hasn't gone over to them,

it seems a rum go to blow him up.

- That's our job.

All right, Crittendon, get under the truck.

- Under the truck. - Crittendon.

- Yes? - The bomb.

- Ah!

- If you see the truck is not gonna stop,

jump out of the way.

- Don't worry.

They'll stop.

Hello.

- These are your instructions, Sergeant,

to stop for every hitchhiker?

- No major, I-

- Lieutenant, inspect the truck.

Let us see if they're doing anything else wrong.

- Yes, Herr Major. - Sergeant, dismount.

Sergeant, you will look at me.

- Yes, Major.

- Who is this other hitchhiker?

You are running a bus service?

- No, Major.

One of our patrols picked him up.

They thought he was a member

of a guerilla band and would make a good hostage.

- So with guerilla operating,

you make two stops and bunch up the convoy?

- Sergeant.

- What is it?

- Nothing, nothing.

- Is everything in order, Lieutenant?

You will look at me, Sergeant!

- Almost everything, Herr Major.

- Get back in the truck.

- Yes.

- Where are you going, Sergeant?

Get back in the truck!

- Yes, Major.

- Drive on.

And your commanding officer shall hear from me.

- All right, get this truck outta here.

The rest of that convoy will be along in a minute.

- Right, Colonel.

- Ah, did you get it taped down okay?

- No fuss at all, Old Boy.

- What time's it set to go off?

- Two minutes.

- Coo, glad I didn't know.

- Hey, the convoy's in a tunnel, Colonel, how's the time?

- Should have happened by now.

Crittendon, are you sure?

- There she goes!

- Hey, the tunnel, the convoy, the works.

- Hogan, you're wonderful!

- No one touches the girl.

No one.

- Oh, pity, actually.

- Colonel Hogan, Sergeant Carter,

I want every minute of the three days

you were gone accounted for!

- That's the thanks we get for keeping your record intact?

- Hogan, I will not be diverted.

- Well, just look what happened while we were gone.

A British colonel escaped from Stalag 16.

And you're complaining.

- They'll catch him.

- You're probably right

- Hogan, I will not be diverted.

I want every minute accounted for.

- It takes time to track down a fox.

- Carter?

- I led them a merry chase, sir,

but they were relentless.

- Schultz, why did you keep calling from a beer hall?

- Because there was a telephone.

- I won't accept that.

- But sir, it, it was really an exhausting chase.

It may go down on the annals

of the all time great manhunts.

Boy, I was out there in the woods...

- Carter.

- I'm sorry sir, but I just have to say it.

You and Schultz were just too much for me.

Just too much.

- Mm-hm, mm-hm.

Schultz, I am giving you a three day pass.

- Thank you, Herr Kommandant!

Hogan, you will receive two extra pieces of writing paper.

- Characteristically generous, sir.

- And me sir?

- 30 days in the cooler for attempted escape.

Dismissed!

- I talk too much?

- You talk too much.