Original subtitles

- That's the place.

- Spooky!

- It doesn't look that scary.

- So you go first then.

- I'm not afraid!

- Good. So go inside.

- I'm scared.

Definitely scared.

Our mom says it's okay to be scared.

- Did you bring the bottles?

- Yup!

Our dad had a bad day.

- You ready?

Whatever.

- Maybe we shouldn't go inside.

- Stop being such a baby.

- I think maybe we should go.

- Then go.

- Dude, I'm not going in there.

It's haunted.

- Isn't that why we're going in?

- Pssh! I'm outta here, man.

Later.

- Lyla?

Lyla?

Lyla. Where are you?

Lyla?

Lyla?

Oh my God!

- Boo!

- You're such a baby, Wesley.

- At least I came in. Gavin ran home.

- Huh. I guess you do get points for that.

Come here. I think I found the spot.

- So, what are we supposed to do with it?

- I don't know.

Jimmy said you just kind of chuck it.

- You're going first.

Whoa!

No freaking way!

- My turn!

I can't believe Gavin is missing this

- Fortune flavors the bold.

- What else do you think this house can do?

- I don't know, but we have to find out.

- Totally.

Huh?

Ow!

Did you see that?

- I'll never forget it. That was brilliant.

- No, I saw something.

Over there.

- Probably just a shadow.

- We should go. Could be the neighbors.

- Maybe just a TV or something?

- Lyla, where are you going?

Lyla?

- Just one second.

Huh?

Help! Help, Wesley!

- Lyla!

Lyla, I can't get it open!

- Wesley! - Lyla!

- Wesley.

Help! Help!

- Lyla, I can't get it open!

Lyla!

I can't get it open!

- We could ask him to open the door.

- And then you could play with him.

- Lyla, I'm sorry!

Lyla!

Lyla!

Lyla!

Lyla!

- Keep going.

- Lyla! - I'm not going back in there!

- Hey!

How was the pee funnel?

- Ryan, it's a female urination device.

And I'm never using one again.

- At least you tried it.

- Are you sure you don't need to go?

- Yeah. All good.

- Okay.

- You're not gonna find anything out here.

- There's always something.

- Start driving and you'll get a station.

- I can't drive without music.

- What were we doing for the last four hours?

- We were talking.

- So now we're done talking?

- Well keep talking then if you wanna keep talking.

- Oh so now I have to do all of the talking.

- Ah!

Now we can drive.

Did you see this photo Max posted from Mexico?

- Oh, yeah.

- You didn't even look.

- I glanced. I saw it earlier on my phone.

- Okay, so which is it, you glanced or you saw it earlier?

- Both.

- You're always on your phone.

You know how people say that...

when you die, your life flashes before your eyes, right?

- Yeah.

It's like a big previously on before the final episode.

- Yeah, so, if that's true,

then at any point you could stop and wave

at your future dying self, right?

Leave a little message.

- And say what?

"Hey, you did good, Ryan.

I know you're dying right now.

That must suck. That's really tough.

But, Ryan, you did good."

- Yeah, or like,

"I hope you got your shit together."

- Jules, look out!

- Jesus!

Get the hell out of the road, kid!

- Come on. It's not like it's his fault.

- Hey, you all right, kid?

- Wesley, let's go!

Well, kids are a sign of a nice neighborhood,

you know, property values and stuff.

- No, they're a bad omen,

like a black cat crossing your path.

- You can't say that.

- Kids are like oranges in a mob movie.

- That's not a thing.

- Ugh.

I feel like we just opened an umbrella indoors,

or walked under a tunnel of ladders.

- Kids aren't bad luck.

- Well, they're not exactly rabbits feet either.

- Okay, so that's 16. Evens are on this side.

That's 17.

19.

21.

- 23! Here we are.

- All roads lead to home.

- Well, it's not exactly what I'd expected.

- Come on. Get up.

And remember, it's what's on the inside that counts.

- Ryan, we don't even have the keys yet.

- I don't think it's locked.

Besides, bank already took our money. I'm moving in early.

- Fine. Whatever.

Guess I'm the adult today.

Ryan?

Ryan?

Everything okay in there?

Ryan?

- Jesus!

- Oh, that was beautiful!

- I hope you don't mind.

I recorded some of it to post to Instagram.

- Uh, can we help you?

- I'm Alice.

The realtor.

- Oh! Alice from the website.

I am so sorry. I'm Ryan. Nice to finally meet you.

This is my fiancé, Jules.

- Oh, it is so fantastic to meet you both.

It's so good to put your faces to our emails.

Oh, and let me be the first to say welcome home.

So everything with the bank went through. Yay!

So all that's left are just a few signatures here and there.

- Uh-huh.

- I know, it probably looks intimidating,

but if you think about it,

they're just words on paper, right?

- What's this review release?

- Oh, that simply gives me permission

to use your review for marketing purposes.

- I haven't written a review.

- Well, not yet.

But I did take the liberty of putting together

some of your positive statements from your emails.

- Well, I guess I did technically say each of these words.

- Do we really need to sign all of these right now?

I mean, we haven't even seen the rest of the house yet.

- Oh, well you did just sign away your walkthrough.

Yeah.

But we could do something quick.

- Great, great. That'd be wonderful.

- Okay, great. Quick, quick little tour.

But you know what?

First I really need you to sign this one.

Everything else can wait,

but this one makes the house officially yours.

- Okay.

- Excellent!

It's all yours!

Shall we tour?

So you have already discovered the sitting room,

and over here are the bedrooms.

After you.

So this is the master bedroom.

It's 115 square feet. Closet space.

Beautiful view of the sunrise.

- The estate didn't want any of this?

- Looks like they left in a hurry.

- Well, they didn't die.

I'm required to tell you

if the most recent owners died in the house.

And I am happy to report that they did not die here.

- Great. - Great.

That's great.

- On with the tour.

This is what I like to call the nursery,

or it would make a great kids' room.

- Yeah, we're not really doing the kids thing,

but I think this room would make a fantastic office.

- Get out!

Let's get out!

It's a beautiful day. Let's leave right now.

A little to your left.

Oh, I meant right.

A little more.

No, wait, half the distance back the other way.

And smile.

I think we should do another.

You go ahead and look,

but I think we should do another with more smiling.

- I'm sure it's fine.

- Who's that?

- It's me!

I'm sorry to barge in like this,

but I just had to come over and introduce myself.

I'm Peggy, your

neighbor.

- I think you two are going to be very happy here.

I have to leave.

- What about the rest of the paperwork?

- Oh, no, don't worry about it.

Again, congratulations!

You're a perfect fit!

- She is very nice.

I am really gonna miss having her around.

- So, anyway.

I'm Jules. This is my fiancé, Ryan.

- Unmarried and cohabitating.

Very edgy, very hip.

- It was lovely meeting you,

but we've been in the car a whole week,

and we've got a lot of work ahead of us.

- Yeah, we're already so tired, so.

- Of course.

Anything, don't hesitate to ask.

It's lovely meeting you.

Bye.

- This is a totally normal neighborhood.

- It's a bat!

Ryan, there is a bat. Bat in the house!

- Well, the rooms are all swept,

and the kitchen looks amazing.

- Well, I needed it ready for you to cook for me.

- Oh. Oh.

Well, then tonight, we will feast!

For our main entree, some premium leftovers from 2003.

Some perfectly brown banana.

And for dessert,

some chilled peanut butter from 1999.

But of course, we cannot cook

without the most important spice.

Music!

Alexa, play "saxy" music.

Close enough!

Oh, yes!

You know how to cook, yes?

- Ya.

Maybe we bring the peanut butter into the bedroom.

- Oh, you are reading my mind.

What?

Are we expecting anyone?

- Nobody texted me.

- Should we ignore it?

- It could be more neighbors.

We should say hello.

- Oh my god!

Max!

- Alive and in the flesh!

Draw!

Bang! - Bam!

What are you doing here?

- Yeah, Max, what are you doing here?

- You said stop by anytime.

- We've been here 10 hours.

- Yeah.

- Here, let me help you with that.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Thank you so much.

I really appreciate it.

Wow!

I dig the digs, dog!

I can't believe you have a house

- It's all mine.

I could burn it down if I wanted.

- Along with everyone inside.

- No, I mean, this is really nice.

You deserve this, Jules.

- Thanks.

- So, Max, how did you find us?

- That is a really funny story, actually.

So, your realtor took a picture of you guys, right,

and then tagged you in it.

But she didn't turn off the geolocation data,

so I used that to track you down.

But then I messaged her directly,

and I said she needed to turn it off

and that, if she didn't, she'd be seeing me.

- Poor Alice.

So, how was Mexico?

- Ugh, boring.

Hot.

But I mean, the fruit was good.

They fired me before I could learn

the Spanish words for "I quit".

So.

- Renuncio. Yo renuncio

I quit.

- Oh, oh yo renuncio. Si! Bueno! Veridad!

- Espera. Nosotros nos cuidamos uno al otro.

- Si!

Bueno!

Pantalones!

Spanish.

- So I just look at him. I stare him right in the eyes.

And I just start pissing again!

- No, no.

How did you have any left?

- Oh, Jesus, Max.

You're the bravest idiot I know.

- I can see why you quit, or tried to.

- I mean, I've got something lined up, up near Reno,

but it doesn't start for another week or so,

so I was thinking maybe...

- Of course you can stay here.

- Totally.

Honestly, we could really use the extra pair of hands.

- Oh my goodness. Thank you so much, guys.

That helps me out a ton.

- Dude, mi casa es su casa, hermano.

- We've got the perfect room for you too.

- I think we have an air mattress somewhere.

- Ah, no, no. Why bother?

This is perfect.

- Are you sure?

- Oh yeah.

See?

- Okay.

I'm really happy you're here.

Okay, goodnight.

- I was thinking tomorrow we could go get the paint stuff

and get all the supplies we need to fix the front door.

- We should do stained glass. Big Jesus layout.

- You don't want to give the neighbors the wrong idea.

- I don't wanna give the neighbors anything.

- Then I will scratch the cookies

I was going to bake tomorrow.

- Your dad's cookies?

You have to make the cookies.

- Dad's cookies are meant to be shared, Jules.

- Fine.

We can give the creepy neighbors some cookies.

- Speaking of creepy,

Max is tracking us?

- It's not that weird.

That's just technology, and that's just Max.

- I knew that he would show up

from time to time here or there, and that's fine.

That's totally fine.

But, on the first night in our new home?

- If he's here,

it's because he has nowhere else to go.

- I know, I know, I know.

It's our first home.

Our first night.

- You're so romantic.

Max never stays anywhere long.

He'll be here a few days, and then he'll be off

on his next new adventure.

- Well his adventure this week is hard work.

- You know,

we could

still make the first night special.

- He's right down the hall from us. He'll hear everything.

- You mean he'll hear you.

- I'm expressive.

- He's always in his headphones.

He won't hear you. Us.

You just stay right here.

And I'll be right back.

Doctor!

I have a problem I was hoping you could help me with.

I guess I will die then.

Ryan?

Ryan, do you hear that?

- I need to get my crepe pans reseasoned.

- Hell! - Jesus!

- Did you hear that music?

- Sorry, did I hear what?

- Nevermind. I'm just...

I'm just tired.

- Okay.

Weirdo.

- Oh, son of a bitch! Mm.

Hey Max, can you shut up and come hold this for a sec?

I'm trying to finish my frittata.

But yeah, I'll help you in a minute.

- You've been working on your frittata

for over an hour.

- Mm. It isn't art.

Not just a breakfast.

- Mm!

It is good.

It's like a museum in my mouth.

- You are a shit curator.

Look, you've ruined my art!

No, no, no, no! Hands notta on my frittata.

- Rent's due.

- Give me that!

You're both animals!

- Are you going to make me breakfast?

- You haven't had breakfast?

- I slept late.

- I'm sorry. There's cold pizza.

- You shouldn't have.

- I would love to make you a four-course breakfast,

but I'm on my way over to the hardware store.

Have you noticed the locks don't work?

- Which locks?

- All of them. Front, back, both bathrooms.

Max and I learned that last night.

It's weird, right?

- Yeah.

Maybe the previous owners were super anti-privacy.

- Well, I am pro-privacy.

- I am also pro-privacy.

- I'll be back with new locks.

- Okay. Just shake the tarp three times so I know it's you.

- Hey, uh you don't mind if I smoke in your house, right?

Good? We're good.

- Hello!

- Jesus!

- Good morning.

- Good morning, Peggy.

- Lovely day, isn't it?

- Sure. Great clouds?

- So, who was that handsome young man I saw?

- Max?

Max?!

He's my soon-to-be brother-in-Law.

- Oh, the whole family living together.

- It's very temporary.

- Isn't everything?

- You know, Peggy, I am baking some cookies tonight,

and I would love to bring some by

but I'm just still not sure where your house is.

- Oh, I just remembered,

I left some tea on the stove,

and I mustn't let it boil over.

I will talk to you later.

Good luck at the hardware store.

Bye.

- Phone. - Call.

Call, phone.

- Phone, okay. - Phone, okay.

- Second word, two syllables. - Two words?

Two syllables.

- Second word. - Second word.

- Phone something.

Box.

- Chalkboard.

Two syllables.

Hat. - Hat.

Beard. - Hat, beard.

Top hat. - Top hat.

Okay.

Sneak.

- Sneaking. - Creep.

- Secret agent.

Secret... - Phone.

Shoot. - Shoot.

- Shooter.

- Top hat.

- Killer.

- Top shot.

- Murderer.

Phone...

- I don't know.

It was phone booth! Phone booth!

- Oh, John Wilkes Booth!

- John Wilkes Booth! - Phone booth!

I was right there!

- Gosh, you guys suck at this game.

- All right, my turn.

- I didn't get that at all.

- Okay.

- One word. - One word.

- Three syllables. - Three syllables.

- It's Peggy.

- I'm sorry to stop by at such an hour.

- It's 5:30.

- I know, I know.

I was just in need of some flour.

- Sure.

How much do you need?

- Just one, maybe two.

- Coming right up.

- I love what you've done with the place. It's very modern.

Hi, I don't believe we've had the pleasure.

I'm Peggy, one of the neighbors.

- Hi, I'm Max, Jules's brother.

It's nice to meet you.

- Charmed.

Will you be staying long?

- No, just a couple of days.

- So what are you making?

- Excuse me?

- Making.

With the flour?

- Oh, the flour.

I'm cooking.

Cooking cookies.

Oh, actually, I just remembered.

I need to leave. We all need to leave.

I'm sorry. I will get that flower tomorrow.

Oh, the wind!

Oh, I just saw a big gust from that window right over there.

These old houses sure are drafty.

I need to go.

- Two flours, as requested.

- Ah, bless you.

- Do you hear that?

- No. Nothing.

- Is that a cello?

- Ah, it sounds like squeaky floorboards to me.

- I am not crazy. Max, you hear that, right?

- Yeah, I definitely hear that.

- Oh, it's my car radio. I must have left it on.

I'll just go and shut that right off!

- It sounds like it's coming from inside.

- Everybody stop!

Oh, apologies.

Oh.

I am sensitive to the commotion.

Thank you for the flour.

Have a good evening.

- Knife in head!

Knife in the head! - Oh my god!

- That is a real knife in the head!

Knife in the head!

- Okay, well, it is what it looks like.

Can we do some breathing exercises together?

I don't, I don't breathe.

You guys, get it together, all right?

We'll do it on the count of three.

Terrific.

- Come play with us.

- Oh dear.

- Holy shit.

Holy shit!

Holy shit! - Max! We get it!

- Get what? What just happened?

- So you're saying those were...

- Yeah.

- And that means that the house is...

- Uh-huh.

- So we're totally...

- Yup.

- I don't understand.

Did we take drugs earlier? Am I on drugs right now?

- What are we gonna do?

- Burn it down?

- We wouldn't have a home.

- We don't have a home now, Ryan.

I'm not going back in there.

- I don't understand what is happening!

Were those your neighbors or what?

- Ghosts, Max!

We have fucking ghosts!

Una fa- Una fantasma!

- How many of those papers did you not sign?

- The bank has the money already.

- You are worried about money right now?

- That's something you do when you have money, Max!

- Did you just spend all your money on a haunted house, Max?

No.

So, shut up!

- I know, I know, I know, I know.

In the morning we'll call the realtor,

and we'll put the house up, back on the market.

- Yeah.

We were dumb enough to buy it.

- Exactly.

Exactly. We're gonna be fine.

- We're gonna be fine. - We're gonna be fine.

- Una fantasma!

una fantasma!

- Good morning.

Oh!

- No! No!

Get away from us!

- If you would like to have a civilized conversation,

I will be inside

Honey.

Milk.

Suit yourself.

Go ahead. Get it out.

Let it all out. You'll get used to it.

- We cannot stay here.

- Hello. This is Alice.

- Alice, this is Ryan Campbell.

I just wanted to get a hold from you.

We've been having a- - No!

- Hello? - No, no, no.

No, no, no, no!

- Alice, hello?

Alice, wait, wait, wait!

Hello?

Hello.

Hello?

God damn it!

- I would be very surprised if Alice ever came back here.

- Yeah? Why?

What'd you do to her?

- Nothing.

I just wanted to be friends.

- We'll get another realtor.

- Peggy, how long was the house for sale

before we bought it?

- Not too long.

Let's see. Seven, 70, 1971.

- 50 years?

It could be 50 years?

- We'd die here

- You might not want that.

- Ooh! This is really good tea.

- Max, don't compliment the ghost.

- We mostly stay out of the way.

- We?

How many of you are there?

- If I said more than three, would that be too many?

- Is there any way you could...not haunt us?

- Haunt? Excuse me!

I have been nothing but polite and kind.

I welcomed you to the neighborhood,

I gave this house a fertility blessing, and I made tea!

- We're supposed to be thrilled over tea?

- It is really good tea.

- Hold up.

We need to talk about this fertility blessing.

- Oh, we have so much to talk about.

Unless of course you have somewhere else to go.

Shit.

Jeez!

- Why?

- Just let me poop!

Everybody needs to poop!

- Oh my god!

- If I have to tell Peggy

not to follow me into the bathroom one more time,

I'm going to rip that knife out of her head

and shove it back in!

- I don't think you can kill a ghost, Jules.

- How much longer can we live like this?

- As long as we have to.

- I just...

I just wanted a normal home.

- Me too. Me too.

Nothing about this is fair or makes sense,

but we've been managing.

I wouldn't be getting through this without you,

even without Max.

- No, no.

This isn't just some sentimental

"at least we're still together" situation, okay?

This is a god damn haunting!

Those are dead people.

And sometimes, Ryan, I swear I can smell them.

Dead people.

- It's our first home, a starter home.

They all have quirks.

- Quirks? - Yeah.

I think in a few years we'll look back on this and laugh.

- Nobody is laughing right now.

I'm not laughing. You're not laughing.

- But why is laughter so important?

- You brought it up.

- But I was imagining our blissful, ghost-less future.

- Which you find laughable apparently.

- Yes. I see our future filled with laughs.

I'm a monster.

- You're a hairy monster.

- Ooh.

Monster has an itch.

- Uh...

- It's kind of romantic.

- It's a ghost, Jules.

- No. - A dead person.

- But it's just music.

It's nice, romantic music.

- Okay.

What the hell? - Oh my God!

I've never actually seen it before!

- Oh my god!

This is too much.

- No, no. Totally, totally.

For sure.

But I mean, it's not like...she can exactly see us.

- I can see her.

No, what I'm saying is it's not like she's watching us.

- Uh...

Yeah. - Yeah.

- Yeah.

Yeah.

- K-I-S-S-I-N-G!

- First comes love, second comes marriage,

next comes a baby in a baby carriage!

- Get outta here, you little shits!

- That's it! I am done!

We are not doing this!

I'm calling a professional!

- Hi.

You must- - Shh.

Shh!

Bag!

Yes.

It is good that you called.

- I told you.

- Hmm.

That's trouble right there.

Nope.

Ugh.

There is a very dark energy in here.

- I knew it!

- Yes, you can feel it.

- What do we do?

- Well, honey, the good news is

is we can balance this energy.

I recommend our full cleanse package.

That includes our premium sage

with a top-to-bottom smudging, a liter of holy water,

and a package of holy salt, all certified.

- Premium sage?

- I have more affordable value options,

but the weaker sages don't last as long,

so I'd just be back in a month.

Oh!

How do you sleep here?

- We don't.

So, how do we use the holy salt? Can we bake with it?

Do we need to cook it with garlic?

Should we put it with the holy water, or-

- How does this get rid of the ghosts?

- Uh-uh-uh-uh.

I don't sense the presence of any ghost.

There is a great energy imbalance.

But an incorporeal infestation is much more rare.

- No, lady.

We have ghosts.

Like a few, at least.

- It's true.

- Muchas phantasma.

- It's actually why we called.

- Ugh!

Boo!

Mm!

This here is a rosa sacris.

It will turn black if a dark spirit is nearby!

- Ours are mostly just annoying.

See?

Nothing.

- Okay, well then, Peggy.

Peggy you can, you can come on out.

She's usually always around.

Peggy!

- Peggy, you wanna have some tea?

- She's really chatty. There's also a couple of kids.

- Oh, so not one ghost, but several.

Well, that would probably require

our Platinum Deluxe exorcism package.

It's not cheap, and it's not pretty.

But it will eliminate every single ghost.

- All of them?

- A ghost!

A real ghost!

- Told you.

- It's never actually a ghost?

How exciting!

What an opportunity.

- So you can do something about this?

- I'm right here, Ryan.

I can hear you conspiring to kill me.

- Peggy, you're already dead.

- And yet, I'm still here.

- Ooh!

- Yeah, it's a knife in the head.

- You get used to it.

- Ooh!

She went through the door!

I've always wanted to do that.

- Yeah.

That's what ghosts do.

- Honestly, I've never actually seen one.

- Isn't this your job?

- Usually I'm just nickel and dimming superstitious people

when there's a squirrel in the attic,

but this shit is the real deal.

Woo!

Oh. Mm.

- About that titanium deluxe exorcism package,

that'll get rid of all the ghosts?

- Oh, no!

Ghosts aren't rubbish to be thrown out!

We can talk to them, maybe negotiate,

get your weekends back.

- What are we gonna do?

- One question.

How many batteries do you have?

Now, my grandmother, on the other hand, saw several ghosts.

I'm talking hundreds of ghosts.

She traveled all through Europe,

dated a Nazi...

spy.

Performed an exorcism for the Pope.

It was uh, Pope... Pious the...

seventh! Mm hmmm

Anywho, she foolishly stopped in Transylvania.

Oof.

She never recovered.

So she's dead, or...

- Jules, she's a vampire.

- Vampires aren't real.

- Ryan we're in a house full of ghosts

you're drawing a hard line at vampires? - I think it was a nazi thing, right

- Everybody, sit!

It's not a seance unless everybody's sitting.

Ay, ay, ay.

Ah! Mind the protective salt circle

Very good.

- Is this safe?

- We are in a haunted house, hm?

We left safe a long time ago.

Join hands, please.

Hello lost spirit!

Hear me!

I'm kidding.

That's ridiculous.

I sense...

I sense a spirit.

Many spirits, actually.

Good God, this place is loaded!

- Can you ask them to leave?

- They say they cannot.

Oh.

They are...

... stuck

- Okay, well, can you ask them to leave us alone?

- Well, they want you to leave them alone.

- Ah, makes sense. They were here first.

Hm?

- They want you to leave for your own...

Excuse me.

For your own...

Your own...

Looky!

This is legit.

Mm.

Sorry.

I lost connection there.

I will attempt to...

reconnect.

- Please stop.

This is a really bad idea.

Please stop.

- I hear something! A voice!

- We all do. It's Peggy.

- Oh, amazing!

The ghost returned. The ghost returned.

The ghost returned.

- You. You need to stop!

- I think just the opposite.

We should go further.

- Please stop. You will wake him.

- Maybe we should listen to her.

- No, no, no.

We'll be just fine.

Well, that's never happened before.

- Oh no. He's here.

- Who is?

- The Dead Man.

- Well, that's a terrible name for a ghost.

Am I right?

I mean, they're all already dead-

- Mortals playing games.

I've got a game

for you.

It's called

hide

the body.

- What?

It's not a very fun game.

- You know, I was gonna say

I was glad we didn't pay her,

but maybe we should just pay her anyways.

- Look, if you guys do call the police, let me know,

'cause I can't be here.

- We're not calling the cops.

I'm not telling the cops that a ghost killed our medium.

Let's get this over with.

- Should we say something?

- Sorry?

I think we should say sorry.

- I really wanted to believe

that she knew what she was doing.

- I was so sure she was.

- I did like her hair.

- Peggy!

I didn't know that you could come out here.

- Oh, yeah, all the way from the back fence

to the front gate.

- You know what I realized?

Even if we do sell the house,

now there's gonna be a body buried in the backyard.

- Oh, well that was true when you bought it.

- What? - What?

- So, how many bodies does it take

before it's officially a graveyard?

- 10, maybe 15?

- Oh, then this is definitely a graveyard.

- Okay, can we at least try to show some respect?

I mean, she is dead.

Okay, I'll...

We are gathered here today to mourn the death of...

Did you get her name?

- No.

No. - What was her name?

- I don't...

On the brochure it was M.M. Mystic Emporium.

- M.M.? Okay, we got initials.

Okay, great. I can-

- This is the worst funeral

I've ever seen!

And in my business, you go to a lot of funerals!

You survived!

Oh.

Oh...

Oh!

- Are you done?

Now, here lies Meghan Marjorie Merkle IV,

patron of the mystic arts, master of the mysteries,

and part-time psychic to the stars.

- She was a wonderful woman.

The world is less without her.

She is survived by her bitter mother,

her regrettably square nine-to-five brother, Charles,

and, her son...

Bartholomeow.

May she rest in peace.

- Amen.

- Yeah.

- Except you're a ghost.

- I know!

Isn't it exciting?

- Ooh. Mm.

Look...

There is something that I need to come clean about,

something that I should have told you

when we first became friends.

- Yeah. The Dead Man?

Peggy, are you talking about the psychotic,

murderous Dead Man?

- No, what I actually want to say to you is that-

- That we could have our neck snapped at any second?

- Yes.

But the truth is that the house is-

- Not safe.

Not safe. Not safe for anyone, not even a trained mystic.

- Oh. Thank you, Ryan.

- Why do you think she is still here?

- Because, as Ryan said, I am a master of the mystics.

It's not surprising that I mastered death.

- Well, in that case,

I guess that I'm also a "trained mystic."

Because the actual truth is that,

if you die here, you're stuck here.

- Oh, Peggy.

- How could you not have told us this?

- Well, you look young and healthy.

And I didn't think you were gonna die anytime soon.

And I was lonely.

- What about the neck-snapping Dead Man, Peggy?

- Well, this is all highly unusual.

For the most part, all of us ghosts

do not want any new residents.

That's why we work so hard to scare you away.

- Well, it worked,

because we are getting the hell out of here, tonight!

Max, pack everything you need. One bag.

- Got it.

- Where are we going?

- Anywhere but here.

- Interesting.

- Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

One bag, one bag, one bag.

- You don't have to leave right away.

- Look, when Jules says pack a bag, you just pack a bag.

- I've always wanted to try ghost experiments.

Huh?

Hm?

- I'm gonna start the car.

- Okay.

Ooh!

What's going to happen?

- Jules?

Jules.

- Ryan?

Ryan, unlock the door.

- I'm trying!

It's not working!

- Jules?

- Max, all the doors are locked.

I'm gonna go try a window.

Oh, son of a bitch!

- Oh dear.

I am so sorry.

He must really not want you to leave.

- Are you sure that it's him,

The Dead Man?

- He's the only one that can control the locks.

- Do you have any idea what he does want?

I thought we just needed to leave.

- Apparently... something's changed.

- Windows won't open either.

- That's not going to work.

- You're stuck in here.

- With us!

- Do you wanna play a game?

- No!

No, no! That is a bullshit move!

That has to be against the rules.

- It's not. I checked.

- Stop whining, and just play the game.

- You two are total little shits, and you know it.

All right. My move.

- May I?

- Sure.

Damn! I almost felt it.

- That's weird.

I mean, Peggy picks up stuff all the time.

She made us tea.

- Well, Peggy's been a ghost for much longer.

Ooh!

Maybe I'll get stronger.

- Maybe.

- Wait, can I cough?

Why can't I cough?

- Ouch!

- Oh, sorry.

- No, it's fine.

What do you think he wants?

- I don't know.

It's not as if we have house meetings.

- Well, you might wanna start.

You really don't know anything about The Dead Man.

- Oh, yes. The Dead Man.

- Oh my God!

- Oh.

Ah, don't mind her.

She just wants to play. I think it's lovely.

- She's gotten a lot better over the years.

- That's great.

So, The Dead Man?

- Oh yes. The Dead Man.

- Okay! What about him?

- Oh, well, that's all we really know.

He's one of the oldest and angriest residents.

We don't really see him too much.

Just an old scary dead man.

You must have really pissed him off.

- What? How?

We didn't do anything?

- Well, you did bring a medium here.

- So?

- So?

We're kind of, you know, natural enemies.

- We are just trying to live in our house,

- Well it was our house first!

- It tickles! It tickles!

- Fascinating.

Do me.

- Okay.

- Are there any other ghost kids?

- We tried to make some once, but Peggy said no.

- So, is Peggy your mom?

- No, we're way older than Peggy.

- Yeah, but we're still like kids though.

Like we like chocolate and candies and games and slapsticks.

- Yeah, but we're mature too.

I was eight when I died,

but I've basically lived like 100 more years,

so I'm like in adult times two.

- Yeah, that's about right.

But

are you gonna make your move,

or are you gonna keep stalling with these dumb questions?

- Excuse me, Tammy,

but a champion plays the player, not the game.

Into the nebula vortex!

- Oh, shit!

- No way!

- Well, it was 1955, and my father had just died.

So my sister, Paula and I, we inherited this property.

We drove here from our hometown. It took us two weeks.

Oh, cars were slower then.

So, the plan was to fix up the house,

live in it for a little while, and then sell it.

I was gonna take some of my money

and spend the summer in Sicily.

Oh, I've always wanted to go.

- I'm guessing you never got there.

- The place was a total wreck.

We had only been here for a few days and, ugh,

mind you, there were ghosts here then too.

So we brought out an appraiser,

and it turns out that the land

was worth a lot more than we thought.

And well, well, well, Paula wanted it all for herself,

so she.

- She stabbed you in the back of the head?

- No, she was aiming for the front,

but I turned to run away, so, ah!

- That's terrible.

- Well, it didn't work out so well for Paula.

Remember I told you this place is hard to sell?

I scared her every night for a decade.

- Serves her right.

- You know, it gets really lonely being a ghost.

- But there are tons of you in here.

- But everybody pretty much keeps to themselves.

It's hard to make friends when you're dead.

Max, Max, I got it.

I know how you can get out!

- Yeah?

- If you just kill yourself, you'll become a ghost,

and then you can walk right outta here.

- Okay, even if I did think that was a good idea,

I think you're forgetting the fact that ghosts

can't leave the property.

- Oh, that's right.

Wait, am I stuck here?

Max?

This is less exciting now.

- What's going on?

- The power went out.

- Duh. But why?

- Oh no.

What? what does that mean?

- Never anything good.

- Ryan?

Ryan.

Ryan!

- Guys, what's going on?

- If you die, just know it's not that bad.

- Yeah, it's really easy to die.

- Ryan.

- Jules?

Jules? - Ryan, are you okay?

- Yeah, I'm in here. I'm fine.

Something's scaring the ghost kids.

- Yeah. Peggy's really freaked out too.

We need to find a way out.

- We're gonna be okay.

We're gonna find a way outta here.

- You doing okay in there?

- Yeah, actually.

Just been playing a bunch of games.

Little Tommy is a shark.

Are you doing okay?

- I think I'll be fine.

May have developed a doorknob phobia.

- When we get outta here, let's buy a brand new house

a house that no one else has ever lived in before.

- Yes.

Vaulted ceilings for sure. - Mm. Mm.

- Double sinks.

And one of those overhead showers with like the waterfall.

- Oh, yes.

Oh, a five-star bidet.

a robot butler that wakes you up

in the morning with stretches.

- This is the perfect home.

I heard you laughing with the ghost kids earlier.

You've always been really good with kids.

Even dead ones, I guess.

- Yeah, well, you don't have to feed the dead ones.

- And they can sleep outside.

You know,

I never said never.

- What?

Is that a Bond movie?

- To kids.

I never said never.

- Did you think I did?

- No, I just...

I know that you could...,

you could always go both ways, and I,

I've kind of always been one way,

the no way, but I don't know.

Wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.

- Well, I could still go both ways, if you know what I mean.

Jules,

I'm with you,

for you.

It would mean a lot to me

if we could maybe start thinking about

or start the conversation towards getting a dog.

- Ryan!

I am allergic to dogs!

- I know!

I could go for help, get a message to the others.

- Yeah, that's smart!

- You know me.

- Wait!

I don't wanna be alone.

- Then I'll stay here.

- Well, maybe we should figure out

what's going on with Jules and Ryan.

- Mm, absolutely. I'll be right back.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait!

I might need you, though,

in case that scary ghost comes back.

- Yeah, of course.

I am a master of the mystic arts.

I'll protect you.

- That's right.

Maybe you can get the doors open with magic!

- Good thinking!

I'll get my bag.

We'll get outta this, Max.

Well, that's weird.

Usually I can just, you know,

and it's real easy, but, uh...

- Stay...

- Oh my god!

- Let us talk

- We're trying to leave, man!

I thought that's what you wanted!

- What I wanted

isn't what I want.

- Stay back, Dead Man!

I'm only more powerful in my ghost form!

- Yeah!

- Wait, for real?

- Tell me, witch,

what do you know about possession?

- Do you know what sucks?

This was supposed to be our starter home.

Now it's turning out to be our-

Max?

- Jules?

- Max! - What's going on?

- Max, can you open this door?

- Jules?

Jules. Jules, what's going on?

- Max, I'm coming!

- Damn it!

- Would anyone like some tea?

- No!

Nobody wants any of your god damn ghost tea.

- It's just normal tea.

- What are we gonna do about his body?

- I think we need to get outta here first.

- And what, just leave him here?

- That's not what I'm saying.

- Well, what are you saying, Ryan?

- I'm saying we need to focus on what is in front of us,

or we aren't gonna be able to do anything about...

about a dead body.

- You mean Max's dead body?

Just say it, Ryan.

Max's dead body! Max's dead body!

- Max's dead body. Max's dead body.

There's nothing we can do right now

about Max's dead body. - Guys.

- We are stuck in here, and if we don't find a way out,

nobody's body is gonna matter.

- Ryan, he's my- - Guys!

There's something we should address.

- Oh!

Whoa!

What the hell?

Oh.

Get out!

- Wait, Ryan.

Bang!

It's Max!

It's you! It's Max!

- Why can't we see him?

- Every ghost is different.

He must be shy.

- This is amazing.

I mean, well, it's terrible, but this is amazing!

Are are you...

Are you okay?

- Your wrist hurts?

Peggy, do ghosts hurt.

- In many, many ways.

- No, charades. He's trying to play charades.

Don't try and open the door. Yeah, we got that.

There's something in the bag

that could help us open the door?

- What do we need, the holy salt, the sacred flower?

What do we use?

- All of it?

We just...

We just have to try all of it.

- We're gonna need some tea.

Ow, ow!

- Hello?

Oh, sorry.

No.

Calm down.

Breathe, man, breathe!

Easy.

There you go.

In and out.

Okay.

- He was dying when he died.

So now he's always dying.

- I get what you're saying,

but there's gotta be a better way to say it.

- You're new.

Eventually you'll understand

that forever is a long time to feel anything.

- And how long have you felt like an asshole?

- I read your book, witch.

Yet my possession failed.

Why did the boy cease?

- His name was Max, and I'm never going to help you.

- Then help... yourself.

- Uh, okay.

What is happening?

Uh.

- Strange, isn't it?

To be dying forever.

- How am I choking if I can't even cough?

Uh, Ryan?

I'm stuck.

- Pull harder.

- What do you think I'm doing?

- Pull harder.

- Ugh, fricking house!

- What's next, Max?

- Maybe since it's a ghost lock, we need a ghost key.

- We have ghost problems.

We need ghost solutions.

- That's what I just said!

- Peggy, I need the knife outta the back of your head.

What? I mean, no.

No, no, no. It is stuck.

Believe me, I have tried.

- Just let me try.

Please, Peggy?

As a friend?

- Well, if you put it that way.

But you're wasting your time.

She said friend.

- Damn it!

How do you pick things up in the real world?

- Oh, I don't know.

It's...

You just kind of have to focus on it.

You have to think without thinking.

Really, I think you mostly have to just want it.

Like I want tea.

- Okay.

- Ooh!

Oh!

Oh, that feels amazing!

- Go! Go!

- Okay. Okay.

- Thanks, Peggy.

- Wow.

- Jules, are you okay?

- Open it.

- Are you sure?

- Just do it!

- Meg, you're all right!

Still dead, but all right.

- Worry not about the witch.

The dead can't die.

Mortals, however, can do so very much.

- Oh dear! Sorry!

- The failed position.

- What the hell do you want?

- Stay back, dude! Jesus will mess you up!

- I am not going to fight you.

- Where'd he go?

- Who cares? Let's go.

- Yes, it's finally time to leave.

- Ryan?

Ryan, what's going on?

- All evening,

you've griped about being stuck in this house

one short night,

whereas I...

I have spent centuries trapped,

imprisoned in this Hell maw.

Tonight, I leave this place.

May you enjoy your stay.

- Ryan, I know you're in there. Just fight him.

Ryan.

Ryan, I know you're in there.

Fight him, Ryan.

- My last possession was not sealed,

something your witch friend illuminated me to.

With a binding sacrifice, I will finally leave this place.

Jules!

Jules, get out!

Go! - Ryan!

- Go!

- No...

- Jules! - Ryan.

Ryan, I know you're in there.

Ryan, fight him!

- Jules.

Jules, get out.

Go!

You're not...

You're not gonna hurt her!

No.

You will!

- Ryan!

- Jules.

Jules.

- Fine.

You can be the binding sacrifice.

I'll take a different vessel.

- Not so fast, pal!

When you asked me about possession,

there were a few things I left out.

Yay!

Mm.

Got you!

I got you, buddy. Goochie, goochie, goo!

- No, no, no.

No, no, no, no.

Ryan. Ryan.

- I could stay.

I could stay.

I could stay.

- No!

- No!

I'm getting you out of here!

- Come on.

- Ha!

Ghosts can't cross a moving stream of water!

Why do you think castles have moats?

I can see. I can see.

I can see.

I can see. - Shh, shh, shh.

- You were right.

- You know how people say that...

when you die, your life flashes before your eyes, right?

If that's true, then, at any point, you could stop

and wave at your future dying self, right?

Leave a little message.

- And say what?

"Hey, Ryan, you did good."

I know you're dying, and that probably sucks,

but you did good.

- Ryan?

Ryan.

Ryan.

Ryan!

- Hey, Jules.

- My God.

Ryan.

- Sorry.

No more of those.

- It's good to see you.

- It's good to see you too.

- You took my freedom!

I will take yours.

Yes.

Yes!

Yes.

I'm free.

I'm free.

Thank you.

I'm free.

I am free.

I'm free.

- Okay, so, is he dead dead?

- I think so.

- Ryan, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I didn't...

I'm sorry we bought this stupid house, and I wish that...

- You got me out of there. That's what matters.

- So, what's it like?

Dying.

- Oh.

It's the easiest thing you'll ever do.

Kinda like greeting an old friend.

- Ooh.

Maybe I will try it sometime.

- No rush.

- You're not staying, are you?

- I died on this side of the line.

I guess we're lucky we get this.

- Where will you go?

- I don't know.

Somewhere though.

I just feel like

I'm never gonna see you again.

- Never.

Never say never.

- Oh, that feels good!

- Petey?

Where are you?

Petey!

There you are!

Hey, bud.

Oh, good boy.

- Hey, lady.

You know your house is haunted, right?

- It's not haunted.

There's just a bunch of dead people inside.