Original subtitles

When you fall to the bottom, you realise who your true friends are.

Return to Jesus and you can return here.

And you're going to throw my stuff?!

Yeah, I don't need it. I've got all I need.

You've kicked me out of my house. I don't like you any more.

(CRIES)

It's alright. I'm just going across the square.

I'll just pop back if I need anything, innit.

I love you.

I love it here.

Love you too.

But 4am, though. Yeah.

# Life ain't so great, yeah, they'll be dancing the moan

# And life ain't Hollywood for any one of us

# If ever you're in doubt

# Just get your wings out

# It's alright, darling, get your wriggle on

# Somewhere else. #

Friends ain't your friends

'cause they think you're a dealer of cocaine.

Oh...pleasure doing business with you.

Or they want a three-way because you're Lupita, Queen of the Darkies,

getting loved up by some white chocolate god.

Not so pure now, am I?

Nah.

And he ain't a white chocolate god.

He's more a white chocolate unemployed child.

Yeah, he is the Milky Bar Kid.

Nah, my friends chose me because I am amazing.

Oh, your family don't choose ya. Oh, no.

My sister is marrying my gay ex-boyfriend.

I did say we were going to be more than friends.

Oh, talk to her? Oh, I tried.

He's gay.

He's gay. He's gay.

Mummy, can you close the blinds please?

Mm-hm. Thank you.

Cynthia? He's gay.

He's gay!

Not even a hen night invitation.

But who wants to go a kiddie restaurant with Cynthia anyway?

Me.

Because I got a thing or two planned, ya get me?

So here I am - BO in this armpit, bloody period in my knickers,

and a best friend who loves having me here.

Yeah, Tracey, when are you moving in with me?

I told ya - I have to live with mixed-race people first

before I make the full transition.

I've never lived with white people before.

Right... I've never heard nothing like that.

It's a black thing.

Yo, are you the guy? For the job?

Uh...mmm, what?

I'm supposed to be talking to someone.

Oh, Connor Jones.

Jethro, store manager.

Um...yeah.

I thought you'd be older.

It says on your CV you were previously a pilot?

My mum done it.

She going to throw me out if I don't get a job.

I reckon she made up some shit.

Ah.

TRACEY: Look, it's simple and it's foolproof.

I follow through this, I will prove to Cynthia that Ronald is gay.

So this is what? Some private investigator shit?

Cynthia finds out he's gay -

some people can't handle the truth, you know.

I'm going shops, babe. Do you want anything?

Get tampons. I use pads, actually.

Tampons are for whores. Thank you, Aaron.

Cynthia needs to know Ronald's gay,

so we get Ronald to say he's gay,

and - this is crucial - we record it.

The recording is sent to me when I'm at the hen night...

You're not invited.

Yeah. Yeah, I know. I mean, do you have a fuck I can borrow?

'Cause I've ran out of fucks to give.

I will speakerphone that shit to her live and direct -

Ronald saying something like,

"Mmm, I love balls," or "Ugh, the vagina. "

It'll be glorious. She'll have no choice but to believe.

Who's going to record it? Yeah, uh...

Someone who might be called Aaron. What?

Yeah, I need to borrow your boyfriend.

No!

No, no, no. But he's my friend as well. Ain't you my friend, Aaron?

Aaron, please. Please, please.

Look, all you've got to do is look nice, go there, sweeten him up.

He will take the bait - classic honey trap.

Tracey, how you going to pimp out my man? Aaron, don't...

Candice, just be quiet and let me think, man.

I'm honoured to help save a woman

from 50 years of a marriage of deceit and confusion.

But what da rass? Thank you, homie.

I'm happy to help, yeah? Eckhart Tolle, like...

No, no, no - don't go quoting dead people's abstract shit.

Just do what I told you to do, yeah?

Oh, and if you're going shop, floss and red top milk, not green, OK?

At least tidy. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I will wear these, thank you.

Alright, see ya.

So what do you think

is the most important thing about customer service?

It's being friendly, innit?

Well, what is "friendly"?

Someone's open and accepts you.

Challenges you and that.

Like my girl. She does those things.

Yeah, but in terms of customer serv...

Hold on, bruvva, let me finish.

You can't have too many friends.

If you've got just one diamond...

You fu... You treasure that thing, yeah? For everything it's worth.

You know some big words.

I know 'em, but I don't use really 'em.

'Cause the brain might enjoy breakin' 'em down and that,

but...the heart...

...heart ain't concerned.

The heart just wants to know it's safe.

Its door is narrow, innit?

So a tiny little word don't need to fight its way in.

One sec.

So wh...

(CLEARS THROAT) So when can you start?

Are you serious?

Yeah.

Fuck!

# I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't find my friends

# But I don't need, don't need, don't need, don't need them to dance

# I go # Whoo-whoo-hoo!

# Let me hear you go # Whoo-whoo-hoo! #

MEN: (CHANT) Drink, drink, drink! Drink, drink, drink!

You've got this! Go on!

Oh!

I love my hen party!

Yeah, Mum said commercial food chains were satanic.

Fast food became Cynthia's forbidden fruit.

And then so this, like, chicken nugget hen night shit

actually make some sense.

(SQUEALS)

Hi.

You lot are mental! That was brutal.

Brutal!

Can I get another round of Tangos, please? Thanks.

I'll get these. Stag night, yeah?

Congratulations on the life sentence.

Ha, thanks.

She a...she a no-show?

He, yeah.

Why don't you go home instead of drinking yourself to paralysis?

Firstly, I'm teetotal, but that's beside the point.

I'm here 'cause life is a dancer, and I'm the dance, I guess.

Eckhart Tolle.

You know about Tolle?

Yeah. Yeah, that's from the second one.

Um...A New...

Earth. Yeah.

MAN: Come on, Ron!

Uh, we're playing games later, if you...

I might, yeah.

# I'll be what you want me to be

# You can take me, take me, take me anywhere. #

Are you still with the Lord?

I heard you backslid and fell into pregnancy.

And then into prostitution.

Are you aware that you have a demonic spirit?

Are you aware that on Thursdays your mum sucks my dick?

Magdalene, who are you talking to?

You know how you can, like. block out negative people from Twitter?

Cynthia can do exactly that with her brain.

It's like some self-hypnosis, Derren Brown stuff.

Nah, it's true.

How about that?

Yeah, well. If I throw this in your face you're going to, what?

Look right through me with chips in your eye? Huh?

It's such a shame Tracey couldn't come.

BOTH: Mmm.

I can be there for her,

but her trying to end my marriage before it's even begun -

that kind of jealousy is best kept at a distance.

Prostitutes are generally best kept at a distance.

Ronald is NOT gay.

(BOTH GRUNT)

Oh, man.

Oi, don't be a sore loser - control that pain-body.

You're right. But...

One more round!

I think you better save all that energy for the honeymoon, Ron.

(LAUGHS) Good one, Peter.

Come on, lads.

How about you and me grab another somewhere else?

Nah, you're alright. Hope you find some mates.

Oh, Peter, I think I've left my mobile in your car again.

Seriously? That prat?

Cynthia, he's gay.

Cynthia!

Yes! I've done it.

Can we have some more ice-cream at some point?

Oh, someone's phone. Someone's phone.

What is it going to take for you to hear me?!

(LAUGHS)

Oh, is it?

(LAUGHS)

Eat your fucking nuggets!

I'm sorry. I'm on my period.

AARON: I bought him drinks. I let him beat me in blackjack.

I made him laugh. Right.

But you know when you actually get on...?

I was charming, so charming! Why did it not work?

It did work. You got the Vine!

No, but how could he go for the other guy?

I don't get it.

I need to think.

(SNORES)

Jesus!

What did you guys get up to last night, Candice?!

I told you I wanted pads.

(EXHALES)

Uh....it's not going in.

Lie on your back and pretend it's your man's dick, Trace.

Just spit on it and shove it in like a dick.

No! No! It's not going in!

Like it's your man, Trace.

Mmm...Jay Z, stop it!

(MOANS)

Oh, Jay Z, oh!

(MOANS)

That's it, Jay Z! Ah!

(LAUGHS) It's in!

(LAUGHS)

Thanks for that.

You can change the sheets now.

Candice, doesn't...um...the help do that?

Who's the help?

(WHISPERS) Esther.

Babe, promise me you won't still be upset at the ceremony.

I'm not upset. I'm just confused. I look my best and I get blown off.

It's affecting, man.

Or maybe there's something you're not telling me.

I'm not gay.

Rejection doesn't have a gender. It's just rejection, innit?

Look, all I want to know is the truth. I don't care what it is.

If you're gay, I'm willing to make space for that, you get me?

It's just a bit loud. Can you...?

You know...

Esther! The battery is dead on this again.

Have you hand washed my knickers yet?

Oh, no.

She can't put them in the washing machine because they get bobbles.

Cand?

Tracey, I love you. We love you.

But you're driving everyone crazy, man! You can't stay here.

Can you at least borrow me a pair of knickers that are not from Primark?

Ron, you're not going to make Cynthia happy, because you know...

I know relationships are bumpy.

Like the rolls on Oompa-Loompa here's stomach.

Oh, my God.

He doesn't understand a word - Greek.

You know what...?

How about I tell you what I know, point by point?

Point A -

you told me to stay away from you.

I stayed away.

So you inviting yourself into my house on my wedding day

is intriguing.

Get over yourself, yeah?

Point B...

..you have lips the size of a boat.

Two boats that crashed into each other, killing everyone.

Uh... OK. Well, you know what? I tried.

Point C -

you're obsessed with MY love-life

because you can't face the mess of your own!

That...

That is...is...

You don't know anything about...

Ooh... That one pinch?

You picked the first imbecile that blinked at you,

because you're desperate, pitiful and lost.

He's the very definition of a waste man.

You'll be the first waste woman!

See you at the wedding!

Sorry I didn't call back.

That's alright.

I know you would if you could. Yeah.

I'm...I'm really proud.

Mandy must be well happy.

She cried.

Then bought half IKEA.

Can...can we talk?

Fuck, I love this girl.

Before you say anything, I've seen the bags.

I've already cutted you a key.

And I got you these - panty liners.

For your...uh...

Keys are in there.

Come here!

This is just the start!

I...I don't think I love you.

Did...did you hear me?

Yes!

I just need a couple of minutes to, uh...

I...I don't understand.

Are you going to go or am I?

Well, yeah, it's, uh...

..it's your house, so...

..I'll go.

Sorry.

I've had problems with this in the past, though.

Can I just confirm...? I get it.

You're leaving me. I know.

OK. That's great.

I've got nothing to say. Sorry.

Connor? This isn't exactly store policy.

I think maybe you should go home.

(CYNTHIA SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY)

A gazelle! I said a gazelle!

Got to be delicate like a graceful swan.

I don't want hard hands, or hefty hands.

(SCREAMS)

Oh, baby...

No! He's gay! He's gay!

He's gay. He's gay! He's gay!

SHUT UP! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Be very careful what you say.

Our cycles are synchronised.

I know that you are on your period.

I am too.

But that is no excuse to permanently break family ties

because once the blood runs dry...

..those ties... cannot be unbroken.

Yeah? You're on your period too? Hm.

The honeymoon... Mm.

Well, I guess it gives him the perfect cover-up

to stick it in your bum tonight, then.

OK, yeah... GET OUT OF MY LIMOUSINE!

Get out of my limousine! It is not a limousine!

It's a white car. They're different things.

It is a tiny white car! This is my white car! My car!

What? Say something? Ignore her.

Don't let her energy... Say something!

Just ignore her.

It's my special limousine ride on my special day,

and nobody can spoil it.

Yay, we're having fun...

Driver, stop! I said stop. We're here!

What are you playing at? It's almost 12:00.

Now you're earning, do you want to go halvsies on a cabinet?

Connor, if you're going to be late for work, you should call 'em.

The only company I'm currently employed by is loneliness.

Right. Sacked.

You're a prison sentence! You're a thorn in my side!

In my back! Everywhere!

You're fucking acupuncture!

You've never even met your dad - how did you become him?!

(APPLAUSE) (ORGAN MUSIC)

Why didn't he fancy me? I just don't get it.

Oh, my days, babe. It's calm.

You're the only one who cares.

I give up. I'm just going to let this be the worst day of my life so far.

Get out of my way and let me be seen for once.

(WHISPERS) Get out of my way! Get out of my way.

She said there'd be free food, man.

That's the only reason I came.

Eh, eh, eh! Shut up, Candice!

Who's she telling to shut up?

She needs a kick in the gut. Can you imagine...

Uh, vows.

Glory to God in the highest, peace to his people on earth, hallelujah!

CONGREGATION: Hallelujah.

Say a few words for your apparent wife.

Oh, um...

I fell in love... the moment you saw me...

..for who I was...

And when you fall in love, you...

..lose control of who you want to be...

..and what you want to be seen as.

But you reminded me that whenever you interact with people...

Hold up a minute.

..don't be there primarily as a function or a role...

He's talking like Tolle.

It is the field of conscious presence.

Let's wire down. Get the fuck out.

You can only lose something that you have...

..but you cannot lose something that you are.

I'm gay.

(WHISPERS) Oh, my God.

I...

..am a gay man.

(WHISPERS) Oh, my God.

Cynthia...

..this is me.

That...is the nicest thing he's ever said.

(SCREAMS, CRIES)

It's OK. It's OK.

(CRIES)

You!

(SPITS) Eugh! (SCREAMS)

(SHOUTS INCOHERENTLY, CRIES)

You! Hubby!

Yes! I am not my sister, OK?

I will be the ruination of your entire life.

Mummy, I'm all of a sudden really hungry. I need to eat something.

Let's go. Let's go.

That's what you've done. That's what you've done!

I don't, um...know how you feel, but...

..I know how I do. Oh, it's made my day, that.

He's NOT gay!

Oh.

Right.

Right. It's fine.

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMS, YELLS)

(HOWLS)

Do you want a Fruit Pastille?

What flavour? It's purple.

It's the only one I don't eat - sorry.

Is it? Yeah.

It's the only one I like.

Who only likes purple Fruit Pastille?

Who only hates 'em? True.

Probably loads of people - they just don't come forward.

Yeah.

You ever been to Mudchute Farm? No.

I'll take ya. Will ya?

You coming, or what?

# My heart is...

Where are we going?

# Getting up, pick me up... #