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1
00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:04,520
# Life ain't so great
Yeah, there'll be dots in the mud
2
00:00:04,520 --> 00:00:08,800
# And life ain't Hollywood
for any one of us
3
00:00:08,800 --> 00:00:12,640
# If ever you're in doubt,
just get your wings out
4
00:00:12,640 --> 00:00:16,240
# It's alright, darling,
get your wriggle on
5
00:00:16,240 --> 00:00:19,160
# Somewhere else. #
6
00:00:25,120 --> 00:00:27,360
Connor's dick is big.
7
00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:29,000
Not the 'come through
up out your mouth
8
00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:31,080
'and destroy your organs on the way'
kind of big,
9
00:00:31,080 --> 00:00:34,200
which I have seen on Heavy-R -
which I do not want.
10
00:00:36,520 --> 00:00:39,040
Connor's dick is pink.
11
00:00:39,040 --> 00:00:41,920
And that is...interesting.
12
00:00:41,920 --> 00:00:43,760
Sort of reminds me
of raw chicken skin -
13
00:00:43,760 --> 00:00:45,120
but I try not to think about that.
14
00:00:45,120 --> 00:00:48,800
Instead, I go with
'a long, pink balloon'
15
00:00:48,800 --> 00:00:51,560
that's now, finally, gonna
contend with my vagina.
16
00:01:01,840 --> 00:01:03,440
Mmm.
17
00:01:03,440 --> 00:01:04,880
I want it.
18
00:01:07,040 --> 00:01:08,160
Come on.
19
00:01:08,160 --> 00:01:09,200
(GRUNTS)
20
00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:11,680
I want it now!
21
00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:17,000
Agh! I'm...I'm sorry. I...I just...
22
00:01:18,800 --> 00:01:21,000
Ugh! I just...
23
00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:23,120
I don't want to...
24
00:01:23,120 --> 00:01:25,240
You know.
25
00:01:25,240 --> 00:01:27,000
(SIGHS) Dunno, man, you're...
26
00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:28,760
...you...you're just...
27
00:01:28,760 --> 00:01:30,440
..so...pure.
28
00:01:31,600 --> 00:01:32,960
I don't understand.
29
00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:34,840
Do you understand?
Yeah. Yeah.
30
00:01:37,320 --> 00:01:40,360
CANDICE: You ARE too pure.
You need to sext him, bruv.
31
00:01:40,360 --> 00:01:42,720
I am not pure. I am dirty.
32
00:01:42,720 --> 00:01:44,680
(CLICK!)
I've done it.
33
00:01:44,680 --> 00:01:47,360
Send it, yeah?
Alright. Let's move on.
34
00:01:47,360 --> 00:01:48,760
Blow-job selfie.
35
00:01:51,640 --> 00:01:53,520
You're watching, yeah?
36
00:01:53,520 --> 00:01:54,720
(CLICK!)
37
00:01:55,760 --> 00:01:57,160
Alright, your turn.
38
00:01:57,160 --> 00:01:59,440
Forget you're a virgin
and channel your slut.
39
00:02:05,480 --> 00:02:07,760
Do you want to suck his dick
or...or smile at it?
40
00:02:07,760 --> 00:02:09,120
I don't... Neither.
41
00:02:09,120 --> 00:02:10,240
(SIGHS)
42
00:02:10,240 --> 00:02:14,080
Tracey, he wants you
to push your pussy in his face
43
00:02:14,080 --> 00:02:16,040
like you're about to take
a shit on it.
44
00:02:16,040 --> 00:02:18,160
He wants to get his nose
all up in there.
45
00:02:18,160 --> 00:02:21,160
Nah, I don't know who told you
it was common, this thing...
46
00:02:21,160 --> 00:02:24,560
The selfie is the theory exam
to the driving test
47
00:02:24,560 --> 00:02:28,280
and you're 100% not ready
to take the driving test, bruv!
48
00:02:28,280 --> 00:02:30,640
You need to do some research.
49
00:02:39,320 --> 00:02:40,680
I think you should talk to Mum
50
00:02:40,680 --> 00:02:42,520
about what you were watching
the other night.
51
00:02:42,520 --> 00:02:44,200
What...what was I watching?
52
00:02:44,200 --> 00:02:45,720
(ALL MOAN)
53
00:02:45,720 --> 00:02:47,680
WOMAN: (ON VIDEO)
Oh, yes, mister - in my arse.
54
00:02:47,680 --> 00:02:49,480
This feels so good!
55
00:02:49,480 --> 00:02:51,200
(MAN MOANS ON VIDEO)
56
00:02:51,200 --> 00:02:54,160
I won't tell so long as
the next word you utter is 'yes'.
57
00:02:54,160 --> 00:02:56,080
May I borrow your laptop, please?
58
00:02:56,080 --> 00:02:58,320
Your laptop, can I borrow, may I?
59
00:02:58,320 --> 00:02:59,640
What are you doing?
60
00:02:59,640 --> 00:03:02,080
Asking questions repetitively
signifies importance.
61
00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:04,480
OK, so, this method isn't
yielding the results that I...
62
00:03:04,480 --> 00:03:06,040
Do you want my laptop?
Yes.
63
00:03:06,040 --> 00:03:07,360
Well, take it.
OK.
64
00:03:07,360 --> 00:03:08,880
Say thank you.
You're welcome.
65
00:03:08,880 --> 00:03:10,040
OK.
Yes.
66
00:03:10,040 --> 00:03:11,480
God.
67
00:03:34,360 --> 00:03:35,760
Agh! What...what you doing?
68
00:03:35,760 --> 00:03:37,040
Trying to give you a blow job!
69
00:03:37,040 --> 00:03:38,880
Why?
Because I want to.
70
00:03:38,880 --> 00:03:40,440
I thought you weren't into
that sort of thing.
71
00:03:40,440 --> 00:03:42,480
Will you just sit down
so I can do it? Come on.
72
00:03:42,480 --> 00:03:43,480
Whew.
73
00:03:43,480 --> 00:03:45,160
Alright, uh...
74
00:03:45,160 --> 00:03:47,760
I'm gonna take your penis
out now. OK?
75
00:03:47,760 --> 00:03:49,520
Yeah, yeah, OK.
OK? Cool.
76
00:03:53,080 --> 00:03:54,360
Oh! It's, uh...
77
00:03:54,360 --> 00:03:56,040
Uh...
78
00:03:56,040 --> 00:03:58,360
It's very relaxed.
79
00:03:58,360 --> 00:04:00,400
And I'd say
give me a bit of dirty talk
80
00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:02,080
but I know that's not your thing.
81
00:04:02,080 --> 00:04:04,960
(SNORTS) Yeah. Yeah, it is. It's...
I thought it wasn't.
82
00:04:04,960 --> 00:04:07,200
Yeah, well, maybe there's
a lot of things that you think
83
00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:09,560
that you need to not,
uh, 'cause it's not...
84
00:04:09,560 --> 00:04:11,600
I do like that...doing that.
85
00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:13,400
Excuse me. I'm gonna do it now.
86
00:04:13,400 --> 00:04:15,160
Alright.
Thank you. Um...
87
00:04:16,360 --> 00:04:17,960
Uh...
88
00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:19,440
Hello, penis.
89
00:04:20,720 --> 00:04:22,680
Split my bum cheeks.
90
00:04:23,840 --> 00:04:27,160
Tear up my, uh, bum hole,
91
00:04:27,160 --> 00:04:30,600
until it's...it's...it's wide enough
92
00:04:30,600 --> 00:04:34,480
for the...the head on your neck
to...to pop in,
93
00:04:34,480 --> 00:04:38,200
and...take a look at the view
94
00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:41,760
inside of my broken...bum cheeks.
95
00:04:46,680 --> 00:04:49,800
It didn't work.
OK, so that time, it didn't work.
96
00:04:58,320 --> 00:04:59,680
Oh, dear.
97
00:05:01,920 --> 00:05:04,120
(BLOWS)
98
00:05:08,080 --> 00:05:09,440
Oh! Ooh!
99
00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:12,760
No.
That's... It's quite cold.
100
00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:15,520
The electrician's coming
to fix the shower tomorrow.
101
00:05:15,520 --> 00:05:18,960
I told him anytime before 1:00,
so I need you to be awake.
102
00:05:19,960 --> 00:05:22,640
What, you gearing up
for a titty fuck?
103
00:05:22,640 --> 00:05:24,360
Oh, don't leave, Mum!
104
00:05:24,360 --> 00:05:25,880
Where are you...where are you going?
105
00:05:25,880 --> 00:05:28,760
Get this - turns out,
I have a job!
106
00:05:28,760 --> 00:05:29,920
Oh. There you go.
Yeah?
107
00:05:29,920 --> 00:05:31,120
Yeah, it's this place that I go
108
00:05:31,120 --> 00:05:34,400
that keeps us inside a flat
and outside arrears.
109
00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:36,160
Tracey, put your clothes back on.
No, don't mind me.
110
00:05:36,160 --> 00:05:37,240
No, let's have this out.
111
00:05:37,240 --> 00:05:39,080
Someone has to buy your useless
notepads and pencils.
112
00:05:39,080 --> 00:05:40,240
I'll see you later, yeah?
113
00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:41,720
It ain't me, it's Mum -
She wants to talk.
114
00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:43,200
No, she don't.
115
00:05:44,320 --> 00:05:48,280
Girl to girl, you can't titty-fuck
with tits like yours.
116
00:05:48,280 --> 00:05:50,920
You've got the tits
of a 40-year-old with triplets.
117
00:05:50,920 --> 00:05:54,280
Now, I'm just saying.
Not being funny.
118
00:05:54,280 --> 00:05:56,280
Mum! I ain't done with this!
Oh, shut it!
119
00:05:56,280 --> 00:05:58,840
Stop walking away from me.
Can we talk about this later?
120
00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:05,800
(MAN MOANS ON VIDEO)
121
00:06:08,360 --> 00:06:10,040
(WOMAN MOANS ON VIDEO)
122
00:06:10,040 --> 00:06:11,840
(YELPS, MOANS)
123
00:06:14,360 --> 00:06:17,320
(MOANS, SQUEALS)
124
00:06:18,360 --> 00:06:19,840
(MOANS)
125
00:06:19,840 --> 00:06:21,280
(SIGHS)
126
00:06:25,600 --> 00:06:27,760
KRISTY: This better
fucking be human hair.
127
00:06:27,760 --> 00:06:29,080
CANDICE: Of course it is.
128
00:06:31,640 --> 00:06:34,440
Kristy, uh, how much
were your, um...?
129
00:06:34,440 --> 00:06:36,320
Oh, mate, ain't even worth it.
130
00:06:36,320 --> 00:06:39,280
Three years saving up Job Seekers'
Allowance just for the cheap ones.
131
00:06:39,280 --> 00:06:42,320
I can flip 'em back to front.
It's my party trick.
132
00:06:42,320 --> 00:06:43,800
What'd you ask her about that for?
133
00:06:43,800 --> 00:06:45,400
Um, Connor's mum said...
134
00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:47,600
Oh, I should've told you about
underwear time ago, you know, babe.
135
00:06:47,600 --> 00:06:48,680
What?
It's just that...
136
00:06:48,680 --> 00:06:50,360
I told you to tell her
numerous times.
137
00:06:50,360 --> 00:06:52,200
Wh-what is wrong with my boobies?
138
00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:54,920
They droop.
KARLY: No, don't be out of order.
139
00:06:54,920 --> 00:06:58,880
They're like earrings.
No, earrings dangle. Her tits droop.
140
00:06:58,880 --> 00:07:00,720
'Cause you're always
running for the bus.
141
00:07:00,720 --> 00:07:02,000
You are!
142
00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:04,240
And when you do, I worry -
I think to myself
143
00:07:04,240 --> 00:07:06,760
"They're gonna be scraping the floor
in half a decade."
144
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:10,520
All any man wants
is cooked meals and good boobs.
145
00:07:10,520 --> 00:07:13,080
Yeah. And if not GOOD boobs,
four of 'em.
146
00:07:13,080 --> 00:07:14,280
Tell me about it.
147
00:07:14,280 --> 00:07:17,400
"Babes, I been thinking about
a threesome, you know."
148
00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:18,840
They...they all want a threesome?
149
00:07:18,840 --> 00:07:20,800
Yeah, but never with John or Mark.
150
00:07:20,800 --> 00:07:23,120
Yeah. Nah, nah -
'cause they're biblical names.
151
00:07:23,120 --> 00:07:24,680
'Cause they're guys!
152
00:07:24,680 --> 00:07:26,400
Listen, if I said
to any straight man,
153
00:07:26,400 --> 00:07:27,840
"Let's find another guy on 3zup
154
00:07:27,840 --> 00:07:30,040
"and I'll wiggle my clit
while you two kiss each other,"
155
00:07:30,040 --> 00:07:31,480
he'd die instantly.
156
00:07:31,480 --> 00:07:33,480
Yeah. He'd die instantly, yeah.
157
00:07:33,480 --> 00:07:36,360
And I would laugh,
like, at his funeral.
158
00:07:36,360 --> 00:07:38,520
(LAUGHS) Imagine...
159
00:07:38,520 --> 00:07:42,120
..if he didn't even know
what 3zup was!
160
00:07:42,120 --> 00:07:45,000
Hey, Esther, like, what would
you say, like, over his grave, like,
161
00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:46,360
to explain what it was?
162
00:07:46,360 --> 00:07:47,800
Oh, bless.
163
00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:50,040
If you are looking for a threesome,
164
00:07:50,040 --> 00:07:52,240
you can find two other people
who are also looking,
165
00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:54,560
or one other, if you're a couple.
166
00:07:54,560 --> 00:07:55,960
3zup!
3zup.
167
00:07:55,960 --> 00:07:57,400
It's an app.
168
00:07:57,400 --> 00:07:59,400
Ah. Thank you, Esther.
169
00:07:59,400 --> 00:08:00,720
(CHUCKLES)
170
00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:03,080
CANDICE: Yeah, why is a threesome
with a man so ridiculous
171
00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:05,320
but one with a woman
so obviously possible?
172
00:08:05,320 --> 00:08:07,360
KARLY: As long as she's
uglier than me, I don't mind.
173
00:08:07,360 --> 00:08:09,960
Ugly, pretty -
I'm fine with my cockatoo.
174
00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:12,000
Yeah, why do I have to like
another girl's breasts
175
00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:13,560
just 'cause I like my own?
Exactly.
176
00:08:13,560 --> 00:08:15,720
You've got a dick, it don't mean
you want one for dinner.
177
00:08:15,720 --> 00:08:19,880
I have to say that I am partial
to a bit of cunt.
178
00:08:19,880 --> 00:08:21,160
(KRISTY AND KARLY LAUGH)
179
00:08:21,160 --> 00:08:23,520
Nan!
Just as a starter.
180
00:08:23,520 --> 00:08:24,840
(LAUGHS)
181
00:08:24,840 --> 00:08:26,520
(LAUGHS)
182
00:08:30,200 --> 00:08:32,320
ESTHER: About 1965, I was 16,
183
00:08:32,320 --> 00:08:35,160
and me and the swim coach
were the last to leave.
184
00:08:35,160 --> 00:08:38,360
She leans over and kisses me
on the lips, all of a sudden,
185
00:08:38,360 --> 00:08:39,640
right on the street.
186
00:08:39,640 --> 00:08:41,680
(PHONE CHIMES)
Down there, round the corner.
187
00:08:41,680 --> 00:08:43,080
Oh!
188
00:08:43,080 --> 00:08:46,240
It's 3zup. I got...I got a message.
189
00:08:46,240 --> 00:08:50,960
Sasha. She's kinky,
experimental, 26, bi.
190
00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:52,520
I...I don't understand -
191
00:08:52,520 --> 00:08:56,080
she was saying, "Hi, greetings,
I'm Sasha," not "Bye."
192
00:08:56,080 --> 00:08:58,400
Anyway, she looks nice.
193
00:08:58,400 --> 00:09:00,920
She's eating soup in her picture.
That's nice.
194
00:09:00,920 --> 00:09:03,320
She likes Buzzfeed,
doodling and kale chips.
195
00:09:03,320 --> 00:09:05,560
Yeah, she's nice. I'll pick this one.
(PHONE CHIMES)
196
00:09:05,560 --> 00:09:08,920
Then she pulled up my skirt,
she kneeled down...
197
00:09:10,440 --> 00:09:12,880
..saliva'd my vaginals...
(PHONE CHIMES)
198
00:09:14,320 --> 00:09:16,920
..and injected her middle finger up
as far up it as it would go...
199
00:09:16,920 --> 00:09:19,760
"Neutral location, e.g. HOTEL"?!
200
00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:22,760
You know what?
I'm gonna make it happen.
201
00:09:22,760 --> 00:09:25,520
..pumping it back and forth
in my pum.
202
00:09:25,520 --> 00:09:28,000
I carry that night.
203
00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:29,840
(PHONE CHIMES)
204
00:09:29,840 --> 00:09:31,360
That was quick.
205
00:09:31,360 --> 00:09:33,680
Three-way sex. "Yay," she said.
206
00:09:33,680 --> 00:09:36,520
I'm gonna have a threesome
to get my twosome.
207
00:09:36,520 --> 00:09:38,440
Sometimes, you've gotta
what you gotta do, innit?
208
00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:40,080
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah!
209
00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:42,400
(RAPS) # Gonna bang him,
he's gonna bang me
210
00:09:42,400 --> 00:09:44,520
# Gonna lose my virginity
211
00:09:44,520 --> 00:09:46,560
# I'm 24, tits are saggy
212
00:09:46,560 --> 00:09:48,960
# But tits down, see me, he's happy
213
00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:51,680
# Hey-hey! Here we go,
3zup, what's up! Hey-hey! #
214
00:09:51,680 --> 00:09:53,840
What are you doing?
Oh, just...itching my leg, yeah.
215
00:09:53,840 --> 00:09:55,680
Yeah, I think I got bitten
by something.
216
00:09:57,920 --> 00:09:59,640
A unicorn is a single girl
217
00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:01,760
willing to have a threesome
with a straight couple.
218
00:10:01,760 --> 00:10:04,640
They're so rare
they're called unicorns.
219
00:10:04,640 --> 00:10:06,520
And I found one.
220
00:10:06,520 --> 00:10:08,160
Not 'cause of luck, nah,
221
00:10:08,160 --> 00:10:10,120
but because, when I want something,
I go out there
222
00:10:10,120 --> 00:10:13,360
and I grab the unicorn by its horns
and that unicorn is mine.
223
00:10:13,360 --> 00:10:14,360
No joke.
224
00:10:14,360 --> 00:10:15,880
I even got a hotel for £14, bruv!
225
00:10:15,880 --> 00:10:17,640
Why aren't I on The Apprentice
or something?
226
00:10:17,640 --> 00:10:19,000
Here! Pound to spare?
227
00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:20,880
I've gotta feed my kid.
I'm not a druggie, I swear.
228
00:10:20,880 --> 00:10:22,200
Oh, nah, nah. Sorry.
229
00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:24,720
Actually, I'm lost.
I'm looking for 48 Ferndell Road.
230
00:10:24,720 --> 00:10:26,040
It's here.
231
00:10:26,040 --> 00:10:27,800
No, I'm looking for flats.
232
00:10:27,800 --> 00:10:30,200
Oh, Airbnb?
Yes...?
233
00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:32,760
I'm Doreen. We've been messaging.
I'll take you in.
234
00:10:32,760 --> 00:10:35,200
That's...that's a butcher's.
235
00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:37,360
Yeah. It's out the back.
236
00:10:49,040 --> 00:10:51,560
(FLIES BUZZ)
Um...
237
00:10:51,560 --> 00:10:52,960
OK, uh...
238
00:10:52,960 --> 00:10:55,680
It looks really different
to the pictures online.
239
00:10:55,680 --> 00:10:58,440
Well, what do you want to do?
'Cause we don't do refunds.
240
00:10:59,640 --> 00:11:01,160
Where's the bathroom?
241
00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:03,400
You said you wanted A room, not TWO.
242
00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:06,560
If you want two I can try and sort
it out, but it'll be another...
243
00:11:06,560 --> 00:11:09,920
No, no. It will be...fine.
244
00:11:09,920 --> 00:11:11,760
What do you want it for, anyways?
245
00:11:11,760 --> 00:11:13,640
A threesome.
The usual.
246
00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:15,760
Right. There's a couple
of condoms in the corner.
247
00:11:15,760 --> 00:11:18,640
You might have to sift
through the used ones.
248
00:11:18,640 --> 00:11:19,920
Thank you!
249
00:11:19,920 --> 00:11:22,520
But if you want a fresh one,
that's an additional charge.
250
00:11:22,520 --> 00:11:24,800
Yeah. Yeah, thank you.
251
00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:27,160
You know why? 'Cause it's dirty.
252
00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:29,760
And I'm dirty - and not pure.
253
00:11:29,760 --> 00:11:31,960
Planned this. I planned it.
254
00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:33,360
I planned all this.
255
00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:34,520
All this.
256
00:11:34,520 --> 00:11:35,600
Uh...
257
00:11:35,600 --> 00:11:38,040
Dirty. Love it. Mm! Mm!
258
00:11:39,840 --> 00:11:41,000
(WHIMPERS)
259
00:11:48,520 --> 00:11:49,840
Forgive me.
260
00:11:51,040 --> 00:11:54,160
Mm. Ohhhhhhhh...
261
00:11:58,360 --> 00:12:00,280
WOMAN: OK, that's her. Stop.
262
00:12:00,280 --> 00:12:01,480
I said stop!
263
00:12:07,400 --> 00:12:08,840
MAN: Jeez, Louise.
264
00:12:08,840 --> 00:12:10,120
They say it's next door -
265
00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:11,560
the amount of traffic in between
266
00:12:11,560 --> 00:12:14,400
makes it feel like Surrey's
on a different continent.
267
00:12:15,560 --> 00:12:17,440
Nice to meet you, Tracey. I'm Henry.
268
00:12:17,440 --> 00:12:19,120
You...you alright, Henry?
269
00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:21,840
So, the other guy
is Caucasian, right?
270
00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:23,800
'Cause he looked Caucasian
in the photo.
271
00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:26,560
Please, darling, just keep an eye
on your purse this time.
272
00:12:26,560 --> 00:12:29,440
Not outside the privacy
of our own home, OK?
273
00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:30,920
This one's my friend.
274
00:12:30,920 --> 00:12:32,840
But what about the other
black people at the party?
275
00:12:32,840 --> 00:12:36,520
Dad, you can get out of my life NOW.
276
00:12:36,520 --> 00:12:38,160
Have fun, darling.
Don't drink too much -
277
00:12:38,160 --> 00:12:40,040
we're not paying for
your stomach to be pumped again.
278
00:12:40,040 --> 00:12:41,600
I'm not listening!
279
00:12:41,600 --> 00:12:43,320
Bye!
Bye.
280
00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:55,080
You alright, unicorn?
281
00:12:55,080 --> 00:12:57,960
Sorry, these are literally
really good.
282
00:12:57,960 --> 00:13:00,440
Like, I couldn't hear anything.
283
00:13:00,440 --> 00:13:02,640
So, the guy other guy
IS white, right?
284
00:13:02,640 --> 00:13:03,920
Yeah.
285
00:13:03,920 --> 00:13:06,720
Tracey, I'm gonna be honest
with you - I'm already wet.
286
00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:15,120
Not you, not you...
287
00:13:15,120 --> 00:13:17,920
Eugh! Oh, no. No. Yuck.
That's disgusting.
288
00:13:17,920 --> 00:13:21,320
Father, forgive me yet guide me.
289
00:13:21,320 --> 00:13:22,800
Ooh.
290
00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:27,880
Uh...
291
00:13:27,880 --> 00:13:29,920
Hello? Can you hear me?
292
00:13:31,200 --> 00:13:33,080
Can you see me?
293
00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:34,840
Yes.
294
00:13:34,840 --> 00:13:37,040
Why did you have to be so beautiful?
295
00:13:37,040 --> 00:13:38,480
Oh, dear.
296
00:13:38,480 --> 00:13:40,120
What are you wearing?
297
00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:42,200
I'm wearing my favourite green bl...
298
00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:44,320
Can you angle the camera
at your penis?
299
00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:53,080
Uh... Oh, you've got pants on.
300
00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:54,520
I'm gonna have to go now.
301
00:13:54,520 --> 00:13:56,920
(SOBS)
302
00:13:58,320 --> 00:14:00,920
I'm gonna kill myself!
303
00:14:02,280 --> 00:14:03,360
Right.
304
00:14:05,560 --> 00:14:08,000
TRACEY: Ready?
Yeah.
305
00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:09,640
Surprise!
306
00:14:11,640 --> 00:14:13,680
Why are we here? What's that?
307
00:14:13,680 --> 00:14:16,440
Uh, she's a unicorn.
Eh?
308
00:14:16,440 --> 00:14:19,240
She wants to have sex with both of us
at the same time for free.
309
00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:21,760
Eh?
310
00:14:21,760 --> 00:14:24,080
Aaaaah! Mm!
(LAUGHS)
311
00:14:24,080 --> 00:14:26,840
What's her name?
Uh, it's, uh, Sasha.
312
00:14:26,840 --> 00:14:28,160
Sasha.
Yeah.
313
00:14:28,160 --> 00:14:29,360
Fuck.
314
00:14:29,360 --> 00:14:30,880
Why here?
315
00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:33,480
Because...
316
00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:36,080
.I. like it dirty.
317
00:14:36,080 --> 00:14:37,920
Mm-hm.
318
00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:39,400
Hello.
319
00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:41,320
Sex scenes from 12 Years A Slave
320
00:14:41,320 --> 00:14:44,400
entering my mind via my vagina
as we speak.
321
00:14:45,720 --> 00:14:48,560
Hey, bro. Sasha.
322
00:14:48,560 --> 00:14:49,960
Hello.
323
00:14:49,960 --> 00:14:51,320
Hm?
324
00:14:52,320 --> 00:14:54,400
(QUIETLY) Can we...
can we talk, please?
325
00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:55,400
Yeah.
326
00:14:55,400 --> 00:14:57,080
Sasha, can you put your...?
327
00:14:59,680 --> 00:15:01,960
What's up, babe?
Well...
328
00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:04,160
..first things first,
the unicorn's got leprosy.
329
00:15:05,640 --> 00:15:06,880
No, she...
330
00:15:06,880 --> 00:15:08,000
It's just a scratch.
331
00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:09,840
Nah, no, no. I ain't on it.
332
00:15:17,440 --> 00:15:19,120
Oh, f...
333
00:15:19,120 --> 00:15:21,480
Oh, shit.
Ah, sh...
334
00:15:24,240 --> 00:15:25,520
Ah!
335
00:15:28,840 --> 00:15:30,080
Ahh.
336
00:15:31,440 --> 00:15:35,680
I suppose I developed
a kind of numbness to it all,
337
00:15:35,680 --> 00:15:38,240
the loneliness,
338
00:15:38,240 --> 00:15:41,920
living my life
through this stupid screen...
339
00:15:41,920 --> 00:15:43,320
(SNIFFLES)
340
00:15:43,320 --> 00:15:45,200
..watching girls like yourself.
341
00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:48,680
That's incorrect. I'm not part
of that group of women, so...
342
00:15:48,680 --> 00:15:52,280
You're the only person in my life.
343
00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:55,800
Please don't go!
Don't go, don't go...
344
00:15:58,280 --> 00:15:59,480
Who's in there with you?
345
00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:03,120
No-one, I'm just trying to look for
a way out of the conversation.
346
00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:07,920
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
347
00:16:07,920 --> 00:16:09,840
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
348
00:16:09,840 --> 00:16:11,320
I didn't know you liked girls.
349
00:16:11,320 --> 00:16:13,040
I don't, I don't.
350
00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:16,640
Hey! Mmm, Sasha, we are so buff.
351
00:16:16,640 --> 00:16:20,200
But, oh, that's your hands on my...
OK. Oh, you're taking it...?
352
00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:22,600
But what if I don't want to?
I might not want...
353
00:16:22,600 --> 00:16:25,480
Too late. There goes my bra.
354
00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:37,360
Those are nice.
Very tweakable nipples.
355
00:16:37,360 --> 00:16:38,640
Where did you get those from?
356
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:43,520
Hey, hey, your bra, put it back on.
357
00:16:43,520 --> 00:16:45,880
What?
Put your bra back on.
358
00:16:45,880 --> 00:16:47,760
OK. Yes.
Hide your boobies.
359
00:16:47,760 --> 00:16:50,600
You're supposed to be helping me
lose MY v-reg, not YOUR v-reg.
360
00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:52,680
Supposed to be helping me, blud.
OK.
361
00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:54,360
What kind of unicorn are you?
362
00:16:54,360 --> 00:16:56,520
Hey... Hey!
363
00:16:56,520 --> 00:16:57,920
What?
364
00:16:57,920 --> 00:17:00,000
My dad's not coming
till the morning, OK, my love?
365
00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:01,480
Henry. Henry. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
366
00:17:01,480 --> 00:17:05,080
Which means we've got all night,
yeah?
367
00:17:05,080 --> 00:17:07,080
OK, yeah, yeah. Alright.
Uh-huh.
368
00:17:07,080 --> 00:17:09,800
By the way, I have cold sores.
369
00:17:09,800 --> 00:17:11,720
Do you really? I didn't...
Yeah. Yeah.
370
00:17:11,720 --> 00:17:13,200
Dodge the face.
Ooh!
371
00:17:14,440 --> 00:17:17,840
I can't lie, this is...
This is a bit hot.
372
00:17:17,840 --> 00:17:19,720
Why don't you come on in here, bro?
373
00:17:19,720 --> 00:17:22,720
Oh, alright.
374
00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:27,880
Don't you have a family?
375
00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:31,560
I used to but, um, now they hate me.
376
00:17:31,560 --> 00:17:32,920
Ah, I've been where you are.
377
00:17:32,920 --> 00:17:34,960
My sister acts like
she doesn't like me
378
00:17:34,960 --> 00:17:36,880
but I know
that I'm her greatest friend.
379
00:17:36,880 --> 00:17:42,360
The last time I saw my sister,
I was on my knees and I cried.
380
00:17:44,400 --> 00:17:47,960
Then she threw
a ham sandwich in my face!
381
00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:51,200
OK, no, not quite the same, then -
we don't eat pork.
382
00:18:01,920 --> 00:18:03,760
Not so pure now, am I?
383
00:18:03,760 --> 00:18:05,640
No.
No.
384
00:18:05,640 --> 00:18:07,280
No, you've always been
a dirty bitch.
385
00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:13,360
Sorry, one second.
First of all, I'm not a bitch, OK?
386
00:18:13,360 --> 00:18:15,680
Second of all,
you said I was too pure to penetrate.
387
00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:17,920
I never said that!
Oh!
388
00:18:17,920 --> 00:18:20,320
Alright, babe, just chill out, yeah?
Just chill out, man!
389
00:18:20,320 --> 00:18:23,200
Yes, you did. That's the whole reason
I got the unicorn in the first place.
390
00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:25,040
Unicorn? That sounds fun.
What is that?
391
00:18:25,040 --> 00:18:26,720
Like a cowboy thing?
392
00:18:26,720 --> 00:18:28,280
Yeah, something like this.
393
00:18:28,280 --> 00:18:30,440
Look, Connor,
you didn't want to have sex before
394
00:18:30,440 --> 00:18:31,720
and now you want to have sex.
395
00:18:31,720 --> 00:18:33,040
The only difference is her.
396
00:18:33,040 --> 00:18:34,600
Look, I know I've dangly boobs, OK?
397
00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:36,320
Is it my boobs?
I'm going to buy a bra with a wire.
398
00:18:36,320 --> 00:18:38,680
I'm going to buy the wire bra, yeah?
Oh, I love them.
399
00:18:38,680 --> 00:18:39,840
(GROANS)
400
00:18:40,840 --> 00:18:41,840
Ooh!
401
00:18:44,920 --> 00:18:46,800
Oh, no.
402
00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:48,200
(STRAINS)
403
00:18:50,560 --> 00:18:52,360
I think I should go.
404
00:18:52,360 --> 00:18:55,400
No, no, no,
you just cry right there.
405
00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:58,240
You look so beautiful when you cry.
406
00:18:58,240 --> 00:18:59,760
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
407
00:18:59,760 --> 00:19:01,080
Are you scared?
408
00:19:01,080 --> 00:19:02,240
Yes.
409
00:19:02,240 --> 00:19:04,800
Would you like to touch yourself
a little bit while you cry?
410
00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:06,480
No.
411
00:19:06,480 --> 00:19:08,640
Fine, I'll just wank one out.
412
00:19:08,640 --> 00:19:10,480
What...? What?
413
00:19:10,480 --> 00:19:14,280
I'll jump off, and when I go blue
414
00:19:14,280 --> 00:19:18,880
and can no longer
hold on to my dick, scream stop.
415
00:19:18,880 --> 00:19:20,920
What? I don't understand...
416
00:19:20,920 --> 00:19:22,840
One, two,
417
00:19:22,840 --> 00:19:24,360
three.
418
00:19:24,360 --> 00:19:26,080
(GAGS)
419
00:19:29,160 --> 00:19:31,360
(GRUNTS)
420
00:19:31,360 --> 00:19:32,640
Stop! STOP!
421
00:19:32,640 --> 00:19:34,680
(GROANS)
422
00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:41,760
Ah! That was great,
that was fucking great.
423
00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:44,200
Wasn't it?
424
00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:46,800
Again. Now. Yeah?
425
00:19:47,840 --> 00:19:49,120
(GRUNTS)
426
00:19:51,760 --> 00:19:54,680
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
427
00:19:54,680 --> 00:19:57,000
Go on, then, you've got one.
428
00:19:57,000 --> 00:19:58,160
You've got a dick.
429
00:19:58,160 --> 00:20:00,440
Do you know what to do
with the next man's dick, Connor?
430
00:20:00,440 --> 00:20:02,600
You, Lupita.
431
00:20:02,600 --> 00:20:04,120
Who?
432
00:20:06,560 --> 00:20:09,040
Don't worry, bro,
would never have left you out.
433
00:20:09,040 --> 00:20:10,880
You get the big one.
434
00:20:10,880 --> 00:20:12,440
Ha!
435
00:20:15,320 --> 00:20:17,240
Thank you.
436
00:20:17,240 --> 00:20:19,400
What's it for?
I don't know!
437
00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:21,480
Obviously I don't know.
438
00:20:22,880 --> 00:20:24,880
Ah, I'm losing my boner.
439
00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:27,360
It's not the spoons, is it?
440
00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:28,480
I just...
441
00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:30,840
Over the last couple of months
I keep getting this
442
00:20:30,840 --> 00:20:36,000
"Don't fuck up, don't fuck up" thing
in my head, and then I just lose it.
443
00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:38,360
Mm-hmm. OK.
444
00:20:39,480 --> 00:20:41,640
Oh, nope. Yeah, not that, Sash.
445
00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:44,160
Just close them up.
Can I talk to you?
446
00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:47,760
Can I...? Normal conversation,
please. Great. Thanks.
447
00:20:47,760 --> 00:20:51,680
Look, my boyfriend,
he can't get it...
448
00:20:51,680 --> 00:20:53,480
Oh, erectile dysfunction?
449
00:20:53,480 --> 00:20:54,880
No, no, no, definitely not.
450
00:20:54,880 --> 00:20:56,440
Let's use toys.
451
00:20:56,440 --> 00:20:58,280
I just wanted him to bust my vulva.
452
00:20:58,280 --> 00:20:59,560
Hey, hey, hey,
453
00:20:59,560 --> 00:21:02,720
you escaped Michael Fassbender, this
is yet another struggle to overcome.
454
00:21:02,720 --> 00:21:04,800
Sasha, who are all these people?
455
00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:06,880
Tracey, look at the gays, OK?
456
00:21:06,880 --> 00:21:09,720
Bum sex is rarely
the order of the day.
457
00:21:09,720 --> 00:21:12,240
They do loads of other shit,
they use loads of other bits.
458
00:21:12,240 --> 00:21:14,880
Stop making his dick
the centre of sex -
459
00:21:14,880 --> 00:21:17,280
dick-centric sex sucks.
460
00:21:17,280 --> 00:21:18,800
Oh.
461
00:21:20,480 --> 00:21:23,040
No, no. I don't want that.
462
00:21:32,560 --> 00:21:35,440
# Jesus, you are the only one... #
463
00:21:35,440 --> 00:21:36,880
Jesus...
464
00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:38,160
Hallelujah.
465
00:21:38,160 --> 00:21:39,520
Jesus!
466
00:21:42,040 --> 00:21:43,560
Ha!
467
00:21:43,560 --> 00:21:45,040
Ah-hah!
468
00:21:45,040 --> 00:21:47,120
(PANTS)
469
00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:52,640
It's just the two of us now, babe.
470
00:21:53,640 --> 00:21:55,400
Just relax.
471
00:22:05,440 --> 00:22:06,720
OK.
472
00:22:08,360 --> 00:22:10,200
Oh...
473
00:22:10,200 --> 00:22:12,400
Oh, I see.
474
00:22:12,400 --> 00:22:14,880
That's actually something else.
475
00:22:14,880 --> 00:22:16,400
That's quite nice.
476
00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:17,400
Um...
477
00:22:17,400 --> 00:22:18,400
Ooh.
478
00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:20,000
Connor?
479
00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:21,200
Yeah?
480
00:22:21,200 --> 00:22:23,880
What do I do if I need to fart?
481
00:22:23,880 --> 00:22:24,880
(MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY)
482
00:22:25,960 --> 00:22:29,200
I'm just aware of how close
you are to my bum...
483
00:22:29,200 --> 00:22:30,200
..hole...
484
00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:34,200
Ho, ho, ho, ho. Ho! Hoh!
485
00:22:34,200 --> 00:22:39,600
(EXCLAIMS UNINTELLIGIBLY)
486
00:22:47,400 --> 00:22:49,560
Tracey, I'm still hard.
Oh.
487
00:22:49,560 --> 00:22:50,560
Yeah?
488
00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:52,080
Shall we do it?
489
00:22:52,080 --> 00:22:54,160
Oh, OK. Yeah.
490
00:22:54,160 --> 00:22:56,000
You're so beautiful.
491
00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:58,120
OK, I think I'm ready.
OK.
492
00:23:00,240 --> 00:23:01,960
Ow! OW!
Ah!
493
00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:03,640
What? What? That was just the tip.
494
00:23:03,640 --> 00:23:07,000
Oh, my God.
Just do the thing with the tongue.
495
00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:10,080
Please just do that again.
That's very nice. Not that one.
496
00:23:10,080 --> 00:23:11,680
Fair enough.
497
00:23:11,680 --> 00:23:15,240
Guys, you sound so hot right now.
498
00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:17,040
Oh, Sasha, chill, man.
499
00:23:20,080 --> 00:23:22,080
Captions by Red Bee Media
500
00:23:22,080 --> 00:23:24,080
Copyright Australian
Broadcasting Corporation
32875
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