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1
00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:03,400
I always thought white people were
bad kissers and it's not their fault,
2
00:00:03,400 --> 00:00:05,960
it's just that they've got really
small lips and they can't embrace
3
00:00:05,960 --> 00:00:08,000
the challenge of lips like mine.
4
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:09,400
And then they try and compensate
5
00:00:09,400 --> 00:00:11,520
for their lack of lips with the
tongue and then the tongue ends up
6
00:00:11,520 --> 00:00:13,240
everywhere, just flapping about,
you get my drift?
7
00:00:13,240 --> 00:00:14,720
But Connor, he was good.
8
00:00:14,720 --> 00:00:16,200
(CLANGING)
9
00:00:22,000 --> 00:00:24,160
Hi. You alright?
10
00:00:30,520 --> 00:00:31,960
Ah!
(KISSES)
11
00:00:31,960 --> 00:00:33,640
Ah!
Connor!
12
00:00:39,320 --> 00:00:40,800
(MUTTERS) Hello.
13
00:00:42,880 --> 00:00:46,880
# Life ain't so great, yeah
They'll be dancing the moan
14
00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:51,160
# And life ain't Hollywood
for any one of us
15
00:00:51,160 --> 00:00:53,320
# If ever you're in doubt
16
00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:55,160
# Just get your wings out
17
00:00:55,160 --> 00:00:58,600
# Go on, darling, get your rhythm on
18
00:00:58,600 --> 00:01:00,920
# Somewhere else. #
19
00:01:02,640 --> 00:01:05,320
He ain't your boyfriend.
What's his name?
20
00:01:05,320 --> 00:01:07,000
Connor.
Full name.
21
00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:08,840
Connor grabbed my left boob.
Does he have a job?
22
00:01:08,840 --> 00:01:10,640
Without dropping the left boob,
he went for the right.
23
00:01:10,640 --> 00:01:13,320
Why does it matter if he's got a job?
Does Connor have a girlfriend?
24
00:01:13,320 --> 00:01:15,360
Yeah, me.
25
00:01:15,360 --> 00:01:18,640
You ain't even met his dick yet.
Well, yeah, I have, so...
26
00:01:18,640 --> 00:01:21,400
What's it like?
It's big.
27
00:01:21,400 --> 00:01:22,440
How big?
28
00:01:22,440 --> 00:01:26,320
If he put it up me, yeah,
it could've come through,
29
00:01:26,320 --> 00:01:28,120
up, like, out my mouth, yeah,
30
00:01:28,120 --> 00:01:30,880
and then, like, just tied a knot
around itself and strangled itself
31
00:01:30,880 --> 00:01:32,160
till it was dead.
32
00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:34,800
That's how big...it was.
33
00:01:34,800 --> 00:01:36,520
Real talk.
34
00:01:37,600 --> 00:01:40,560
A'ight, tell me this, yeah?
Is he circumcised?
35
00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:46,960
What's his door number?
Er, it's...number 20...
36
00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:49,400
11!
11, that's what I said.
37
00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:52,040
You have no idea how to make
a man your boyfriend.
38
00:01:52,040 --> 00:01:53,640
Pall Malls, please.
39
00:01:53,640 --> 00:01:57,400
My son nicked all mine,
fucking wayward bastard.
40
00:01:57,400 --> 00:01:59,720
Er, menthol, please.
41
00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:01,600
Oh, sorry.
42
00:02:02,800 --> 00:02:05,520
Alright?
You alright, Mandy?
43
00:02:05,520 --> 00:02:09,280
Do you hear Karly Raven got pregnant
by a Somali?
44
00:02:09,280 --> 00:02:11,480
10 pack, please.
45
00:02:11,480 --> 00:02:13,920
Yeah, one of them pirate-looking
Somalians from Brick Lane -
46
00:02:13,920 --> 00:02:16,480
they look like pirates.
47
00:02:16,480 --> 00:02:19,560
Oh, er...you can't...
48
00:02:19,560 --> 00:02:22,200
Sorry, theft is not allowed.
Excuse me?
49
00:02:22,200 --> 00:02:25,520
I ain't thefted a thing.
I pay my way, I just...
50
00:02:25,520 --> 00:02:28,720
I just came in here asking for
a bloody packet of Pall Malls!
51
00:02:28,720 --> 00:02:30,800
No, it's 'cause there's cameras
now, innit?
52
00:02:30,800 --> 00:02:32,560
Is there?
53
00:02:34,680 --> 00:02:37,360
They new? Oh.
54
00:02:37,360 --> 00:02:39,880
Fair enough, then.
55
00:02:39,880 --> 00:02:41,400
Are Somalians black?
56
00:02:41,400 --> 00:02:43,200
I've never been too sure.
57
00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:45,680
I suppose there's various
different types of black.
58
00:02:45,680 --> 00:02:50,200
Somalis look a bit mixed race,
but, like...something went wrong.
59
00:02:50,200 --> 00:02:52,320
OK, see you on the estate.
60
00:02:54,680 --> 00:02:56,120
(DOORBELL CHIMES)
61
00:02:56,120 --> 00:02:59,240
What a prat.
Why is she jacking baby food?
62
00:02:59,240 --> 00:03:00,680
I know.
63
00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:02,560
You should see her son.
64
00:03:02,560 --> 00:03:05,560
Who is it? Who's her son?
Who's her son, tell me.
65
00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:07,520
Connor.
66
00:03:10,040 --> 00:03:14,120
Dating is never easy and can often
throw up a lot of problems...
67
00:03:14,120 --> 00:03:17,160
Agents of Satan,
we shan't be swayed.
68
00:03:17,160 --> 00:03:19,480
..promising to hook you up with
whoever you fancy
69
00:03:19,480 --> 00:03:21,040
whenever you fancy it.
70
00:03:21,040 --> 00:03:23,640
But how do you get beyond
that first date?
71
00:03:26,160 --> 00:03:30,000
What's on your mind, dear?
Er...nothing.
72
00:03:30,000 --> 00:03:31,880
Maybe you're pregnant.
73
00:03:31,880 --> 00:03:35,640
Ha! What nonsense.
Ronald is a man of God.
74
00:03:35,640 --> 00:03:37,640
Maybe he's not the father.
Oh, shut up!
75
00:03:37,640 --> 00:03:39,880
Shut down and reboot.
No, shut up!
76
00:03:39,880 --> 00:03:41,280
Hey! Hey! Hey!
77
00:03:41,280 --> 00:03:43,560
(ALL CONTINUE ARGUING)
78
00:03:45,200 --> 00:03:47,080
How is my future son-in-law?
79
00:03:48,280 --> 00:03:50,800
God strike me down now!
80
00:03:50,800 --> 00:03:52,440
(SHRIEKS)
81
00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:54,560
Yeah, yeah, he's really good.
82
00:03:56,240 --> 00:03:59,040
Next up - from first date
to forever.
83
00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:01,480
How to make the man
of your dreams...
84
00:04:01,480 --> 00:04:03,880
Mm, that would be Connor.
..your boyfriend.
85
00:04:03,880 --> 00:04:07,600
We asked three of London's most
sought-after relationship gurus.
86
00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:09,960
The gurus.
87
00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:12,520
Yeah, I'll just ask them
as well, innit?
88
00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:15,720
If he wants to put it in your bum
just breathe through it.
89
00:04:15,720 --> 00:04:19,480
Don't start panicking, saying
it hurts, 'cause he will dump you.
90
00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:22,520
Don't be there primarily
as a function or role.
91
00:04:22,520 --> 00:04:26,160
Ebony, Mahogany, stop it, or I'll
put you into fucking foster care!
92
00:04:26,160 --> 00:04:28,240
A field of conscious presence.
93
00:04:28,240 --> 00:04:30,360
I like that.
Eckhart Tolle.
94
00:04:30,360 --> 00:04:32,160
Was he in Star Wars?
No.
95
00:04:32,160 --> 00:04:33,840
I think Dark Knight needs his feed.
96
00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:36,400
Aww!
Dark Knight, is that a nickname?
97
00:04:36,400 --> 00:04:38,200
BOTH: No.
98
00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:40,760
Swallow it through the hard times.
99
00:04:40,760 --> 00:04:42,000
Persevere.
100
00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:43,840
My mother always says,
101
00:04:43,840 --> 00:04:47,000
those who enjoy their coffee black,
tend to love the taste of semen.
102
00:04:49,240 --> 00:04:51,560
Field of conscious presence
103
00:04:51,560 --> 00:04:53,520
and support him,
104
00:04:53,520 --> 00:04:55,800
impress him...be strong.
105
00:05:01,320 --> 00:05:06,040
You're fuckin' jokin'. Don't be
a jobsworth, it's just baby food.
106
00:05:06,040 --> 00:05:10,240
Uh, uh...no.
I just came for Connor.
107
00:05:10,240 --> 00:05:13,560
Oh, great! You can help me
take a photo.
108
00:05:13,560 --> 00:05:15,200
(DOG BARKS)
109
00:05:22,840 --> 00:05:24,560
So, is Connor home?
110
00:05:24,560 --> 00:05:26,120
No, no, no.
111
00:05:26,120 --> 00:05:28,120
Yeah, yeah. Come on,
let's just...let's just do it.
112
00:05:29,680 --> 00:05:33,400
Oh, it's nice to have a BFF
to do this stuff with.
113
00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:35,200
Yeah, yeah, definitely.
114
00:05:35,200 --> 00:05:37,760
Erm...I'm actually here for Connor.
115
00:05:37,760 --> 00:05:39,480
It feels a bit weird talking to you
about this stuff.
116
00:05:39,480 --> 00:05:41,560
No, don't be silly.
Come on, tell your girl.
117
00:05:41,560 --> 00:05:43,800
I'm, sort of, trying to move things
past casual.
118
00:05:43,800 --> 00:05:46,960
Nice! You'll have a task
and a half there, though.
119
00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:50,240
He's never had a girlfriend.
What...never?
120
00:05:50,240 --> 00:05:52,960
I suppose he's waiting for
the perfect one, who knows?
121
00:05:52,960 --> 00:05:54,960
Uploading.
122
00:05:54,960 --> 00:05:56,880
Thanks for this.
123
00:05:56,880 --> 00:05:58,920
You putting that on the internet?
124
00:05:58,920 --> 00:06:00,560
They say you're more likely
to get someone
125
00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:01,960
if they know what you look like.
126
00:06:01,960 --> 00:06:07,320
What is it, like, match.com?
Yeah, myfucksoulmate.co.uk
127
00:06:12,720 --> 00:06:15,880
You look nice.
You look nice.
128
00:06:18,760 --> 00:06:20,200
Um...
129
00:06:29,440 --> 00:06:31,160
Ooh. Ah...
130
00:06:31,160 --> 00:06:33,520
Yeah, I'll do it.
131
00:06:38,400 --> 00:06:40,160
Ooh, tangled.
It's fine.
132
00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:43,480
It's very tricky.
No, it's my, erm...
133
00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:46,960
I wanna be your field
of conscious presence.
134
00:06:46,960 --> 00:06:48,840
What do I take off first -
my bra or my skirt?
135
00:06:48,840 --> 00:06:51,040
Do you wanna take any of it off?
No.
136
00:06:51,040 --> 00:06:53,280
Well, you don't have to.
OK.
137
00:06:56,000 --> 00:06:58,200
Oh!
Oh, my God, are you alright?
138
00:06:58,200 --> 00:06:59,560
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
139
00:06:59,560 --> 00:07:01,680
It's fine.
140
00:07:01,680 --> 00:07:03,240
Aarggh!
Sorry, sorry.
141
00:07:03,240 --> 00:07:05,000
It's alright, it's alright.
142
00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:07,280
I don't know what I'm doing.
143
00:07:07,280 --> 00:07:09,640
What's wrong?
I don't know what I'm doing.
144
00:07:09,640 --> 00:07:13,000
It don't matter, I'll love it.
Just do what you want.
145
00:07:27,800 --> 00:07:29,600
Oh!
146
00:07:29,600 --> 00:07:31,120
Hey, slow down a bit.
147
00:07:32,240 --> 00:07:34,480
Oh! (GRUNTS)
148
00:07:35,480 --> 00:07:37,000
Oh, less angry.
149
00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:43,800
Trace, Trace!
150
00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:47,000
I ain't even finished completing my
profile, right, and I got a message.
151
00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:49,680
I feel like a teenager again.
Look, he's from Syria.
152
00:07:49,680 --> 00:07:52,840
I mean, authentic, you know,
like, proper Syrian.
153
00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:55,920
How's it going in here, alright?
154
00:07:55,920 --> 00:07:57,520
Yeah. Yeah.
155
00:07:57,520 --> 00:07:59,120
I could sign you up to this,
you know?
156
00:07:59,120 --> 00:08:02,280
Oh, er, I am sort of already, er...
157
00:08:02,280 --> 00:08:05,200
What?
I'm seeing...seeing someone.
158
00:08:05,200 --> 00:08:07,600
Oh, right. Oh, yeah, alright.
159
00:08:07,600 --> 00:08:09,880
Mum, get out!
160
00:08:11,760 --> 00:08:14,080
May we continue, please?
161
00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:19,880
Oh, shit. Yeah, that's better.
162
00:08:25,320 --> 00:08:28,400
Sorry, which one is
the morning-after pill please?
163
00:08:28,400 --> 00:08:31,000
Do you want to just
come over here for privacy?
164
00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:34,840
Yeah. I don't...I don't mind.
165
00:08:36,240 --> 00:08:37,440
What's your name?
166
00:08:37,440 --> 00:08:41,560
Uh, my name is... Be.
167
00:08:41,560 --> 00:08:43,440
How do you spell that?
168
00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:46,040
B...
169
00:08:46,040 --> 00:08:47,240
E.
170
00:08:48,760 --> 00:08:51,480
That's it.
And your surname?
171
00:08:51,480 --> 00:08:53,800
It's Yonce.
172
00:08:57,280 --> 00:09:00,480
Was a condom used?
No. No, no, we didn't have sex.
173
00:09:02,240 --> 00:09:05,800
Oh, er, his...his come
was very near my...
174
00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:09,280
And they swim, don't they?
175
00:09:09,280 --> 00:09:14,240
The morning-after pill is for women
who have had sexual intercourse.
176
00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:17,680
I don't trust this guy, man.
Do you trust this guy?
177
00:09:17,680 --> 00:09:19,760
The morning-after pill is for people
178
00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:22,440
who think there's a chance of them
getting pregnant, actually.
179
00:09:22,440 --> 00:09:23,680
Well, yes.
180
00:09:23,680 --> 00:09:25,760
Yes, I'm one of those customers.
Hello.
181
00:09:25,760 --> 00:09:28,240
But you didn't have
sexual intercourse...
182
00:09:28,240 --> 00:09:30,280
No, no, no, I wanked him.
We was like rubbin' up and that,
183
00:09:30,280 --> 00:09:33,200
and I wanked him,
I started to wank him, so...
184
00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:37,560
I'm a Christian.
185
00:09:37,560 --> 00:09:38,920
Look, I'm happy to provide...
186
00:09:38,920 --> 00:09:41,080
Hey, hey,
this ain't CSI or somethin'.
187
00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:44,680
I don't why you're interrogating me.
Can you just give it to me? Please.
188
00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:53,400
You know, I didn't see the dick, you
know. I just touched it a bit, yeah.
189
00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:55,960
I swear.
Here.
190
00:09:55,960 --> 00:09:58,320
I'm a girl. What am I doing with
condoms? I ain't got a dick.
191
00:09:58,320 --> 00:10:01,000
Those are for your partner.
I don't know if he's my partner yet.
192
00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:02,720
I haven't confirmed it.
I'm going to confirm it,
193
00:10:02,720 --> 00:10:05,200
today or next week.
I'm going to confirm it...
194
00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:06,920
Why...why are you shoutin' at me?
195
00:10:06,920 --> 00:10:09,560
I... No! You just...
196
00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:18,680
You are in wheelchair?
197
00:10:18,680 --> 00:10:22,640
God will grow your leg back!
From thigh to toe it will return.
198
00:10:22,640 --> 00:10:24,560
The road to hell is wide,
199
00:10:24,560 --> 00:10:27,360
but the road to the
Father is narrow.
200
00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:30,400
Keep your genitalia narrow also!
201
00:10:32,360 --> 00:10:35,880
I can't. She said we can't even use
tampons till we're married.
202
00:10:35,880 --> 00:10:40,160
If she knew there was sperm swimmin'
around my...she'd have a stroke.
203
00:10:40,160 --> 00:10:41,840
Now...
204
00:10:41,840 --> 00:10:46,360
..should I tell Rashad all my kinks
or some of them?
205
00:10:46,360 --> 00:10:51,120
'Cause, girlfriend...I have this
kink I'm a bit embarrassed about.
206
00:10:51,120 --> 00:10:52,720
Look, just keep it to yourself.
207
00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:54,800
Isn't everyone shy about
that sort of thing?
208
00:10:54,800 --> 00:10:57,360
Thanks, babes.
209
00:10:57,360 --> 00:10:59,640
It's been a long time since
I felt up someone
210
00:10:59,640 --> 00:11:01,040
other than myself, you know?
211
00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:03,160
Keep Connor busy tonight, won't ya?
212
00:11:03,160 --> 00:11:06,200
Mandy, I'm sorry about
what happened in the bedroom.
213
00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:09,880
That's nothin', babe.
If I had a penny for every girl
214
00:11:09,880 --> 00:11:12,880
that's hand-pumped his willie,
I'd have a fuckin' yacht!
215
00:11:15,680 --> 00:11:18,520
You said he's never had a girlfriend.
216
00:11:18,520 --> 00:11:22,040
No, he ain't, but he's got to empty
the trash into somethin', ain't he?
217
00:11:22,040 --> 00:11:24,400
An' there's never been
at a shortage of friendly girls
218
00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:27,800
to off-load his shit in,
if you know what I mean.
219
00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:29,560
Fornicators!
220
00:11:29,560 --> 00:11:30,920
Film watchers!
221
00:11:30,920 --> 00:11:32,920
Fashionistas!
222
00:11:32,920 --> 00:11:34,720
Single mothers!
223
00:11:34,720 --> 00:11:38,320
A demonic spirit
is workin' in your life,
224
00:11:38,320 --> 00:11:42,480
leading you to the gangsters
and witch doctors of Tower Hamlets,
225
00:11:42,480 --> 00:11:47,840
giving them the last of your cash
monies for drugs and this thing.
226
00:11:49,080 --> 00:11:52,320
Big Leish is the queen of voodoo.
227
00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:57,400
She made one guy wake up
without a testicle.
228
00:11:57,400 --> 00:12:00,480
They call her Turkish trader
of Tower Hamlets.
229
00:12:00,480 --> 00:12:02,720
It's hardcore.
230
00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:04,320
Codeword.
231
00:12:04,320 --> 00:12:05,920
Hello?
232
00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:07,760
Say the codeword, fam.
233
00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:10,760
I don't know. I just need some
drugs to stop me getting' pregnant.
234
00:12:10,760 --> 00:12:12,040
Correct.
235
00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:18,840
We...we was just talkin'
on the phone?
236
00:12:18,840 --> 00:12:21,080
About the mornin'-after pill?
Shh.
237
00:12:22,760 --> 00:12:25,080
Take the seat.
238
00:12:31,280 --> 00:12:34,920
Yeah...looking at the circumstances,
you could definitely be pregnant.
239
00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:38,680
They can indeed swim from the leg
240
00:12:38,680 --> 00:12:40,800
into the vagina,
241
00:12:40,800 --> 00:12:43,560
upwards, like salmon really.
242
00:12:43,560 --> 00:12:46,480
And the father, he is... I mean,
he's never had a girlfriend.
243
00:12:46,480 --> 00:12:48,520
I'd be a single mum.
Shh-shh-shh!
244
00:12:48,520 --> 00:12:51,920
Western medicine is too expensive,
too many side effects.
245
00:12:51,920 --> 00:12:55,480
I can get you original medicine
from my home country
246
00:12:55,480 --> 00:12:57,440
at a great discount.
247
00:12:57,440 --> 00:12:59,000
OK, OK, what is it?
248
00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:01,120
Calm down. What did I tell you?
249
00:13:01,120 --> 00:13:04,000
I don't know. None of it
makes any sense yet...
250
00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:05,880
I told you, "Shush."
251
00:13:05,880 --> 00:13:07,920
There is a plant, Tracey,
252
00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:11,040
found growing on the highest
mountain in Turkey.
253
00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:12,640
Takes about three weeks to ship.
254
00:13:12,640 --> 00:13:13,880
But...
I've only got three days...
255
00:13:13,880 --> 00:13:17,880
BUT...it exists in decent amounts
256
00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:21,680
in a cream I source
at a very reasonable price.
257
00:13:21,680 --> 00:13:23,400
OK, well, how much does it cost?
258
00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:25,360
£1,000.
What?!
259
00:13:25,360 --> 00:13:27,840
OK, get out, enjoy your baby.
260
00:13:27,840 --> 00:13:30,320
Look, I've only got £15 to my name.
Deal!
261
00:13:37,680 --> 00:13:40,880
That's Anusol.
"Effective relief from piles."
262
00:13:40,880 --> 00:13:44,520
Can I have my money back, please?
I'm not even finished, Tracey.
263
00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:56,480
This is for your bum,
and this is Diet Coke.
264
00:13:56,480 --> 00:13:58,080
What's your point, fam?
265
00:13:58,080 --> 00:14:00,880
How is this going to stop me
getting pregnant?
266
00:14:00,880 --> 00:14:02,600
Rub on your belly nine layers, this.
267
00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:05,520
Drink 12 sips, this.
268
00:14:05,520 --> 00:14:09,040
Two hours before or after,
please make sure you don't swim
269
00:14:09,040 --> 00:14:10,560
or touch a hairless animal.
270
00:14:10,560 --> 00:14:12,200
This is Anusol.
271
00:14:12,200 --> 00:14:15,600
Han-u-sol!
Different thing in my country.
272
00:14:15,600 --> 00:14:18,360
It's the same tube...
Same tube, different thing!
273
00:14:26,880 --> 00:14:28,760
Where are you?
274
00:14:28,760 --> 00:14:31,920
Trace.
I'm busy, sorry.
275
00:14:31,920 --> 00:14:33,120
Trace?
276
00:14:34,640 --> 00:14:36,800
I wrote you somethin',
a poem, obviously.
277
00:14:36,800 --> 00:14:39,680
Don't big-deal it.
Just put it on the page, basically,
278
00:14:39,680 --> 00:14:42,520
'cause it's cathartic an' that,
basically.
279
00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:50,760
(READS) "Look, there's a lonely cow
Hey, cow!
280
00:14:50,760 --> 00:14:53,560
"If I was a cow, that would be me
281
00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:55,200
"Until I met you
282
00:14:55,200 --> 00:14:57,760
"So it therefore ain't me no more."
283
00:14:57,760 --> 00:14:59,280
I love cows.
284
00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:01,080
What d'you think?
285
00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:05,360
I think...it's a lyin' cow.
286
00:15:05,360 --> 00:15:07,000
What...what do you mean?
287
00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:09,000
Well, I mean, it's on a farm, right?
288
00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:11,080
There's probably bare cows.
It's not lonely.
289
00:15:11,080 --> 00:15:14,040
This cow is weird,
but it's really good-lookin'
290
00:15:14,040 --> 00:15:17,120
and it's got so much milk, the milk's
just swimmin' up the leg of any cow
291
00:15:17,120 --> 00:15:20,680
that would just dare to...to moo.
292
00:15:20,680 --> 00:15:22,960
No, no. I'M the cow.
293
00:15:22,960 --> 00:15:24,840
Yeah, I think you're a lying cow.
294
00:15:26,040 --> 00:15:29,560
Your mum told me about the brothel
of girls in your bedroom
295
00:15:29,560 --> 00:15:33,400
and how I'm just another one, so
it's better that I know now, innit?
296
00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:36,840
Mum...Mum!
297
00:15:36,840 --> 00:15:39,400
Tracey!
Don't chase me!
298
00:15:39,400 --> 00:15:41,240
This is not a film. Look...
299
00:15:51,320 --> 00:15:53,280
Nine layers.
300
00:15:53,280 --> 00:15:55,200
12 sips.
301
00:15:56,560 --> 00:15:58,280
Dear Our Blessed Saviour,
302
00:15:58,280 --> 00:16:02,760
I need the courage you had
to tell them you were the Son of God.
303
00:16:06,360 --> 00:16:09,200
And I need the strength that you had
304
00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:12,600
to make the switch from R&B
to hip-hop when they doubted you.
305
00:16:17,240 --> 00:16:18,280
Amen.
306
00:16:22,240 --> 00:16:23,840
One...two...
307
00:16:23,840 --> 00:16:25,760
..three...four...
308
00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:39,520
I've got to piss already.
309
00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:51,360
It's my period! It's my period!
310
00:16:52,920 --> 00:16:55,520
You got to have faith, yo.
311
00:16:55,520 --> 00:16:57,000
He lives!
312
00:16:59,200 --> 00:17:01,880
(LAUGHS)
313
00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:06,880
You fuckin' dickhead. This is the
dumbest thing you've ever done.
314
00:17:06,880 --> 00:17:10,040
12 sips?
I'm dead. I'm dead, I'm dead!
315
00:17:10,040 --> 00:17:14,800
You got your period 'cause your
fucking period was due, bruv!
316
00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:16,960
All of this could've been
avoided had you told me
317
00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:18,280
that Connor was a monster.
318
00:17:18,280 --> 00:17:19,680
He's not.
Yes, he is.
319
00:17:19,680 --> 00:17:21,760
His mum said he's got girls
passing through his bedroom
320
00:17:21,760 --> 00:17:22,840
like water through a tap.
321
00:17:22,840 --> 00:17:25,240
He's a grown single man.
What's the shame?
322
00:17:25,240 --> 00:17:27,320
(PHONE CHIMES)
323
00:17:27,320 --> 00:17:29,880
What?
It's just Ronald.
324
00:17:29,880 --> 00:17:32,480
What's he still messaging you for?
You ain't his business no more.
325
00:17:32,480 --> 00:17:34,160
Well, I'm still his girlfriend.
326
00:17:35,280 --> 00:17:37,800
(LAUGHS)
327
00:17:37,800 --> 00:17:39,920
No, no, he's not my boyfriend.
328
00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:43,000
What?
329
00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:46,560
She ain't even broken up
with Ronald!
330
00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:55,120
Thanks, they're lovely.
331
00:17:57,680 --> 00:17:59,440
Just leave them in the bin.
332
00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:05,520
It takes more than flowers, Tracey.
333
00:18:05,520 --> 00:18:07,800
OK.
I shouldn't have to hire a carer.
334
00:18:07,800 --> 00:18:09,960
That's why I have you
as my girlfriend.
335
00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:11,640
Yeah, can we talk about that?
336
00:18:11,640 --> 00:18:14,280
Thankfully, I've already forgiven
you for leaving me for dead.
337
00:18:14,280 --> 00:18:16,080
It's the kind of Christian I am.
338
00:18:16,080 --> 00:18:20,200
So, let's just try and regain
a sense of normalcy.
339
00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:22,680
OK, well, Ronald,
I want to break up with you.
340
00:18:22,680 --> 00:18:26,400
Why?
"Why?" You hate me.
341
00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:28,120
So?
342
00:18:28,120 --> 00:18:31,000
I think it's important to not hate
the person you're with, OK?
343
00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:33,840
I think you should just go
and find a girl that you like.
344
00:18:33,840 --> 00:18:35,960
I like you more
than I like all the others.
345
00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:39,040
Oh, sorry.
Andy, no, no, come in, please.
346
00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:45,280
Look, Ron... Ron, I've met
someone else. OK?
347
00:18:45,280 --> 00:18:46,960
Ron?
348
00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:48,800
Ron, it's over.
349
00:18:48,800 --> 00:18:52,240
OK. Yeah, whatever.
350
00:19:23,840 --> 00:19:26,640
I'm sorry, Mummy, it was just
never going to work out, OK?
351
00:19:26,640 --> 00:19:28,760
And I know you wanted us
to get married and stuff like that,
352
00:19:28,760 --> 00:19:30,760
but the thing is, Mum,
he'll never love me.
353
00:19:30,760 --> 00:19:32,920
He'll never love any girl
because he's...
354
00:19:32,920 --> 00:19:34,920
My dear, can I speak now?
355
00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:36,280
Yes, Mummy, I'm sorry.
356
00:19:36,280 --> 00:19:38,760
You used wisdom and made a decision.
357
00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:41,480
I'm proud of you,
and happy you're OK.
358
00:19:41,480 --> 00:19:43,600
Dinner is here
whenever you're hungry.
359
00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:46,760
Cynthia, come and sweep this thing!
360
00:19:46,760 --> 00:19:49,120
CONNOR: How come you didn't
buzz me, then?
361
00:19:49,120 --> 00:19:51,120
I put myself on the line for you.
362
00:19:51,120 --> 00:19:52,680
Where are you?
363
00:19:52,680 --> 00:19:54,480
You can come to me this time.
364
00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:58,560
I'm in solitude.
365
00:20:21,080 --> 00:20:23,600
Is that that poem in there?
366
00:20:23,600 --> 00:20:25,560
No.
OK, what's that?
367
00:20:27,160 --> 00:20:30,520
The Bible.
Been tryin' to understand you.
368
00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:33,640
I can see why you like this shit.
I've never read it.
369
00:20:33,640 --> 00:20:36,200
I went to church since I was born,
so I don't really need it.
370
00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:39,560
See, your past confuses me
the same way mine does yours.
371
00:20:39,560 --> 00:20:41,160
You're not like other girls.
372
00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:43,560
It's not linear with you,
you get me?
373
00:20:45,760 --> 00:20:50,600
Can we sit in, like,
your house or something?
374
00:20:50,600 --> 00:20:54,920
Yeah. Come on, then. My mum's
havin' a mate over. Rashad or...
375
00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:58,120
Oh, nah, nah, nah,
let's just stay in the bin.
376
00:21:01,040 --> 00:21:03,600
Do you want these?
They weren't even open.
377
00:21:05,040 --> 00:21:06,640
Alright, go on, then.
378
00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:10,560
Read some.
379
00:21:12,800 --> 00:21:14,480
"Give the king thy judgements.
380
00:21:14,480 --> 00:21:18,080
"Jesus and the disciples
gave bread to the crowd
381
00:21:18,080 --> 00:21:21,680
"and the entire multitude of 5,000
was fed with that small meal."
382
00:21:21,680 --> 00:21:23,160
You didn't say on your profile
383
00:21:23,160 --> 00:21:25,560
that this is what you were into,
you know what I mean?
384
00:21:25,560 --> 00:21:26,760
Dummy, pwease!
385
00:21:31,280 --> 00:21:33,160
Don't go all shy. Just get into it.
386
00:21:34,280 --> 00:21:36,240
I want milk!
Eh?
387
00:21:37,360 --> 00:21:38,880
Can I suck your tits?
388
00:21:40,120 --> 00:21:43,360
I can't do this!
Oh, fuck off!
389
00:22:07,680 --> 00:22:09,680
Captions by Red Bee Media
390
00:22:09,680 --> 00:22:11,680
Copyright Australian
Broadcasting Corporation
27561
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