Original subtitles

I always thought white people were bad kissers and it's not their fault,

it's just that they've got really small lips and they can't embrace

the challenge of lips like mine.

And then they try and compensate

for their lack of lips with the tongue and then the tongue ends up

everywhere, just flapping about, you get my drift?

But Connor, he was good.

(CLANGING)

Hi. You alright?

Ah! (KISSES)

Ah! Connor!

(MUTTERS) Hello.

# Life ain't so great, yeah They'll be dancing the moan

# And life ain't Hollywood for any one of us

# If ever you're in doubt

# Just get your wings out

# Go on, darling, get your rhythm on

# Somewhere else. #

He ain't your boyfriend. What's his name?

Connor. Full name.

Connor grabbed my left boob. Does he have a job?

Without dropping the left boob, he went for the right.

Why does it matter if he's got a job? Does Connor have a girlfriend?

Yeah, me.

You ain't even met his dick yet. Well, yeah, I have, so...

What's it like? It's big.

How big?

If he put it up me, yeah, it could've come through,

up, like, out my mouth, yeah,

and then, like, just tied a knot around itself and strangled itself

till it was dead.

That's how big...it was.

Real talk.

A'ight, tell me this, yeah? Is he circumcised?

What's his door number? Er, it's...number 20...

11! 11, that's what I said.

You have no idea how to make a man your boyfriend.

Pall Malls, please.

My son nicked all mine, fucking wayward bastard.

Er, menthol, please.

Oh, sorry.

Alright? You alright, Mandy?

Do you hear Karly Raven got pregnant by a Somali?

10 pack, please.

Yeah, one of them pirate-looking Somalians from Brick Lane -

they look like pirates.

Oh, er...you can't...

Sorry, theft is not allowed. Excuse me?

I ain't thefted a thing. I pay my way, I just...

I just came in here asking for a bloody packet of Pall Malls!

No, it's 'cause there's cameras now, innit?

Is there?

They new? Oh.

Fair enough, then.

Are Somalians black?

I've never been too sure.

I suppose there's various different types of black.

Somalis look a bit mixed race, but, like...something went wrong.

OK, see you on the estate.

(DOORBELL CHIMES)

What a prat. Why is she jacking baby food?

I know.

You should see her son.

Who is it? Who's her son? Who's her son, tell me.

Connor.

Dating is never easy and can often throw up a lot of problems...

Agents of Satan, we shan't be swayed.

..promising to hook you up with whoever you fancy

whenever you fancy it.

But how do you get beyond that first date?

What's on your mind, dear? Er...nothing.

Maybe you're pregnant.

Ha! What nonsense. Ronald is a man of God.

Maybe he's not the father. Oh, shut up!

Shut down and reboot. No, shut up!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

(ALL CONTINUE ARGUING)

How is my future son-in-law?

God strike me down now!

(SHRIEKS)

Yeah, yeah, he's really good.

Next up - from first date to forever.

How to make the man of your dreams...

Mm, that would be Connor. ..your boyfriend.

We asked three of London's most sought-after relationship gurus.

The gurus.

Yeah, I'll just ask them as well, innit?

If he wants to put it in your bum just breathe through it.

Don't start panicking, saying it hurts, 'cause he will dump you.

Don't be there primarily as a function or role.

Ebony, Mahogany, stop it, or I'll put you into fucking foster care!

A field of conscious presence.

I like that. Eckhart Tolle.

Was he in Star Wars? No.

I think Dark Knight needs his feed.

Aww! Dark Knight, is that a nickname?

BOTH: No.

Swallow it through the hard times.

Persevere.

My mother always says,

those who enjoy their coffee black, tend to love the taste of semen.

Field of conscious presence

and support him,

impress him...be strong.

You're fuckin' jokin'. Don't be a jobsworth, it's just baby food.

Uh, uh...no. I just came for Connor.

Oh, great! You can help me take a photo.

(DOG BARKS)

So, is Connor home?

No, no, no.

Yeah, yeah. Come on, let's just...let's just do it.

Oh, it's nice to have a BFF to do this stuff with.

Yeah, yeah, definitely.

Erm...I'm actually here for Connor.

It feels a bit weird talking to you about this stuff.

No, don't be silly. Come on, tell your girl.

I'm, sort of, trying to move things past casual.

Nice! You'll have a task and a half there, though.

He's never had a girlfriend. What...never?

I suppose he's waiting for the perfect one, who knows?

Uploading.

Thanks for this.

You putting that on the internet?

They say you're more likely to get someone

if they know what you look like.

What is it, like, match.com? Yeah, myfucksoulmate.co.uk

You look nice. You look nice.

Um...

Ooh. Ah...

Yeah, I'll do it.

Ooh, tangled. It's fine.

It's very tricky. No, it's my, erm...

I wanna be your field of conscious presence.

What do I take off first - my bra or my skirt?

Do you wanna take any of it off? No.

Well, you don't have to. OK.

Oh! Oh, my God, are you alright?

Yeah. I'm sorry.

It's fine.

Aarggh! Sorry, sorry.

It's alright, it's alright.

I don't know what I'm doing.

What's wrong? I don't know what I'm doing.

It don't matter, I'll love it. Just do what you want.

Oh!

Hey, slow down a bit.

Oh! (GRUNTS)

Oh, less angry.

Trace, Trace!

I ain't even finished completing my profile, right, and I got a message.

I feel like a teenager again. Look, he's from Syria.

I mean, authentic, you know, like, proper Syrian.

How's it going in here, alright?

Yeah. Yeah.

I could sign you up to this, you know?

Oh, er, I am sort of already, er...

What? I'm seeing...seeing someone.

Oh, right. Oh, yeah, alright.

Mum, get out!

May we continue, please?

Oh, shit. Yeah, that's better.

Sorry, which one is the morning-after pill please?

Do you want to just come over here for privacy?

Yeah. I don't...I don't mind.

What's your name?

Uh, my name is... Be.

How do you spell that?

B...

E.

That's it. And your surname?

It's Yonce.

Was a condom used? No. No, no, we didn't have sex.

Oh, er, his...his come was very near my...

And they swim, don't they?

The morning-after pill is for women who have had sexual intercourse.

I don't trust this guy, man. Do you trust this guy?

The morning-after pill is for people

who think there's a chance of them getting pregnant, actually.

Well, yes.

Yes, I'm one of those customers. Hello.

But you didn't have sexual intercourse...

No, no, no, I wanked him. We was like rubbin' up and that,

and I wanked him, I started to wank him, so...

I'm a Christian.

Look, I'm happy to provide...

Hey, hey, this ain't CSI or somethin'.

I don't why you're interrogating me. Can you just give it to me? Please.

You know, I didn't see the dick, you know. I just touched it a bit, yeah.

I swear. Here.

I'm a girl. What am I doing with condoms? I ain't got a dick.

Those are for your partner. I don't know if he's my partner yet.

I haven't confirmed it. I'm going to confirm it,

today or next week. I'm going to confirm it...

Why...why are you shoutin' at me?

I... No! You just...

You are in wheelchair?

God will grow your leg back! From thigh to toe it will return.

The road to hell is wide,

but the road to the Father is narrow.

Keep your genitalia narrow also!

I can't. She said we can't even use tampons till we're married.

If she knew there was sperm swimmin' around my...she'd have a stroke.

Now...

..should I tell Rashad all my kinks or some of them?

'Cause, girlfriend...I have this kink I'm a bit embarrassed about.

Look, just keep it to yourself.

Isn't everyone shy about that sort of thing?

Thanks, babes.

It's been a long time since I felt up someone

other than myself, you know?

Keep Connor busy tonight, won't ya?

Mandy, I'm sorry about what happened in the bedroom.

That's nothin', babe. If I had a penny for every girl

that's hand-pumped his willie, I'd have a fuckin' yacht!

You said he's never had a girlfriend.

No, he ain't, but he's got to empty the trash into somethin', ain't he?

An' there's never been at a shortage of friendly girls

to off-load his shit in, if you know what I mean.

Fornicators!

Film watchers!

Fashionistas!

Single mothers!

A demonic spirit is workin' in your life,

leading you to the gangsters and witch doctors of Tower Hamlets,

giving them the last of your cash monies for drugs and this thing.

Big Leish is the queen of voodoo.

She made one guy wake up without a testicle.

They call her Turkish trader of Tower Hamlets.

It's hardcore.

Codeword.

Hello?

Say the codeword, fam.

I don't know. I just need some drugs to stop me getting' pregnant.

Correct.

We...we was just talkin' on the phone?

About the mornin'-after pill? Shh.

Take the seat.

Yeah...looking at the circumstances, you could definitely be pregnant.

They can indeed swim from the leg

into the vagina,

upwards, like salmon really.

And the father, he is... I mean, he's never had a girlfriend.

I'd be a single mum. Shh-shh-shh!

Western medicine is too expensive, too many side effects.

I can get you original medicine from my home country

at a great discount.

OK, OK, what is it?

Calm down. What did I tell you?

I don't know. None of it makes any sense yet...

I told you, "Shush."

There is a plant, Tracey,

found growing on the highest mountain in Turkey.

Takes about three weeks to ship.

But... I've only got three days...

BUT...it exists in decent amounts

in a cream I source at a very reasonable price.

OK, well, how much does it cost?

£1,000. What?!

OK, get out, enjoy your baby.

Look, I've only got £15 to my name. Deal!

That's Anusol. "Effective relief from piles."

Can I have my money back, please? I'm not even finished, Tracey.

This is for your bum, and this is Diet Coke.

What's your point, fam?

How is this going to stop me getting pregnant?

Rub on your belly nine layers, this.

Drink 12 sips, this.

Two hours before or after, please make sure you don't swim

or touch a hairless animal.

This is Anusol.

Han-u-sol! Different thing in my country.

It's the same tube... Same tube, different thing!

Where are you?

Trace. I'm busy, sorry.

Trace?

I wrote you somethin', a poem, obviously.

Don't big-deal it. Just put it on the page, basically,

'cause it's cathartic an' that, basically.

(READS) "Look, there's a lonely cow Hey, cow!

"If I was a cow, that would be me

"Until I met you

"So it therefore ain't me no more."

I love cows.

What d'you think?

I think...it's a lyin' cow.

What...what do you mean?

Well, I mean, it's on a farm, right?

There's probably bare cows. It's not lonely.

This cow is weird, but it's really good-lookin'

and it's got so much milk, the milk's just swimmin' up the leg of any cow

that would just dare to...to moo.

No, no. I'M the cow.

Yeah, I think you're a lying cow.

Your mum told me about the brothel of girls in your bedroom

and how I'm just another one, so it's better that I know now, innit?

Mum...Mum!

Tracey! Don't chase me!

This is not a film. Look...

Nine layers.

12 sips.

Dear Our Blessed Saviour,

I need the courage you had to tell them you were the Son of God.

And I need the strength that you had

to make the switch from R&B to hip-hop when they doubted you.

Amen.

One...two...

..three...four...

I've got to piss already.

It's my period! It's my period!

You got to have faith, yo.

He lives!

(LAUGHS)

You fuckin' dickhead. This is the dumbest thing you've ever done.

12 sips? I'm dead. I'm dead, I'm dead!

You got your period 'cause your fucking period was due, bruv!

All of this could've been avoided had you told me

that Connor was a monster.

He's not. Yes, he is.

His mum said he's got girls passing through his bedroom

like water through a tap.

He's a grown single man. What's the shame?

(PHONE CHIMES)

What? It's just Ronald.

What's he still messaging you for? You ain't his business no more.

Well, I'm still his girlfriend.

(LAUGHS)

No, no, he's not my boyfriend.

What?

She ain't even broken up with Ronald!

Thanks, they're lovely.

Just leave them in the bin.

It takes more than flowers, Tracey.

OK. I shouldn't have to hire a carer.

That's why I have you as my girlfriend.

Yeah, can we talk about that?

Thankfully, I've already forgiven you for leaving me for dead.

It's the kind of Christian I am.

So, let's just try and regain a sense of normalcy.

OK, well, Ronald, I want to break up with you.

Why? "Why?" You hate me.

So?

I think it's important to not hate the person you're with, OK?

I think you should just go and find a girl that you like.

I like you more than I like all the others.

Oh, sorry. Andy, no, no, come in, please.

Look, Ron... Ron, I've met someone else. OK?

Ron?

Ron, it's over.

OK. Yeah, whatever.

I'm sorry, Mummy, it was just never going to work out, OK?

And I know you wanted us to get married and stuff like that,

but the thing is, Mum, he'll never love me.

He'll never love any girl because he's...

My dear, can I speak now?

Yes, Mummy, I'm sorry.

You used wisdom and made a decision.

I'm proud of you, and happy you're OK.

Dinner is here whenever you're hungry.

Cynthia, come and sweep this thing!

CONNOR: How come you didn't buzz me, then?

I put myself on the line for you.

Where are you?

You can come to me this time.

I'm in solitude.

Is that that poem in there?

No. OK, what's that?

The Bible. Been tryin' to understand you.

I can see why you like this shit. I've never read it.

I went to church since I was born, so I don't really need it.

See, your past confuses me the same way mine does yours.

You're not like other girls.

It's not linear with you, you get me?

Can we sit in, like, your house or something?

Yeah. Come on, then. My mum's havin' a mate over. Rashad or...

Oh, nah, nah, nah, let's just stay in the bin.

Do you want these? They weren't even open.

Alright, go on, then.

Read some.

"Give the king thy judgements.

"Jesus and the disciples gave bread to the crowd

"and the entire multitude of 5,000 was fed with that small meal."

You didn't say on your profile

that this is what you were into, you know what I mean?

Dummy, pwease!

Don't go all shy. Just get into it.

I want milk! Eh?

Can I suck your tits?

I can't do this! Oh, fuck off!

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation