Original subtitles

Hey Pete, whatcha doing?

Reading

You want to do something?

Berg, I have to study

I'm bored

Well, tough

Hey, I bet you can't lift that garbage can over your head

What are you talking about? Of course I can. It's empty

Oh there was a time when you could

When you were, you know, in shape

- Berg, I'm in great shape - Okay, Pete. No big deal

HEY LOOK HOW STRONG I AM!

I hate you so much

Berg, say hello to the Alpha-Stat 100

H-e-l-l-o

We can now watch what we want, when we want, from any corner of the earth

- All crammed into our 12-inch screen - Yeah

I personally reconstructed it from the original schematics I added a signal booster, use gold-plated coaxial and replaced the original aluminum alloy with a titanium steel coating

One thing... shouldn't it be facing away from the building?

Okay Klaus, buddy. All you have to do is get the ball

I know you're a fish but don't let that hold you back

No pressure!

Just have fun

Fetch, Klaus!

That's okay, buddy! Swim it up !

We'll get 'em next time

Berg, you've been working with Klaus for nine weeks. All you are to him is a big, big face

Did I mention that this could swing me a thousand-dollar grant from the Society of Animal Research?

Don't just swim there, you lazy sack of scales! FETCH!

Now the Stat-100

firmly fastened to the roof, Pete Dunville

firmly fastened to the couch

Just turn me over every two days

Pete, you can't run the cable through the hall

I have no choice. The windows are painted shut and the new landlord won't return my phone calls. I left him like, 5 messages

Yeah well, he doesn't take calls. I hear you've got to submit everything to him in writing

Is he looking for a penpal? He can pick up a phone

LIFE! GIVE MY TV LIFE!

Keep it down, will ya?

Great, now he's hiding in the castle

- Berg, it's not my fault your fish is stupid - Oh, that's pretty tough talk, Pete

- Why is the Bruins game in Russian? -Cause it's blacked out in Boston so I must be getting feed from Moscow

So, you're pretty much done with the outside world

You betcha!

Score ? Berg, how do you say "score" in Russian?

- Blasto - BLASTO!

Err, Pete. The TV seems to be leaving

See, Klaus. That's how you fetch

I-I-it took me seven hours to haul and install that thing and now, it's gone without a trace

I mean, who would do this?

Our new landlord. You violated the building uniformity code

What?

"The building should be uniform in every way. All common areas, hallways, stoops, rooftops shall remain free of clutter-

He stole my satellite dish!

-including plants, wreaths and welcome mats. Have a nice day. Edgar J. Hagerty".

What kinda guy doesn't like Welcome mats?

I'm guessing the same guy who could rip out a 200-pound satellite dish and scale down the side of the building

- Maybe all the stories I heard about Hagerty are true - What are you talking about?

Remember Marco, the stuttering mime in 3B? Re-tiled his bathroom without permission, hasn't been heard from since

He's a mime

I'm not kidding! This Hagerty guy has never shown his face around here and yet he knows everything that's going on

All right! So, we're back down to 80 channels?just like the Amish

That's not the point

- What are you going to do, Pete? What's done is done - What do you mean "what's done is done"?

You know, Que sera sera, no use crying over spilt milk, Hakuna matata

Pick your favorite

Wait, wait, Berg. You can't just 'Hakuna matata' your way through life. I mean, sometimes you have to stand up for what's right!

He's the landlord, Pete. It's his place, he makes the rules

His rules are wrong! This is our home, we live here. Hagerty can't just steal our satellite dishes and our Welcome mats!

- I have an idea. Let's talk about this inside - No!

The building was fine before that guy came around. Right? Now, he's going to walk around and dictate a bunch of new rules?

The next thing you know, we won't be allowed to pee in the shower!

Okay look, I'm going to show this Hagerty who he's messing with, all right? You don't just push Pete Dunville around

Now are you guys in?

- I'm out. - I'll see you inside

Bill, you had to see it! As God is my witness, three times in a row, little Klaus swam over and finally fetched the ball back

Fascinating. Now shovel the damn sidewalk!

It's still snowing

Last time I saw a snowstorm this bad,

I was travelling in South America. We just finished a soccer match in Bolivia and headed home to Chile-

Bauer!

-The plane crashed in the Andes, we were stranded for weeks without food- - Bauer!

We were forced to eat the goaltender

He was a rugged net-minder but a delicate meal

Please come again. And be careful on the sidewalk. It's slippery

What was I supposed to do?

It was Jose, or starve!

It's not a moment I'm particularly proud of and of course, nutritionally, there's not much to be said...

Well, look who decided to show up for work

Oh, I'm sorry Bill but I'm in the midst of a revolution

- Really? - Yeah!

Shovel the damn sidewalk!

Hey, I just left Hagerty a little message to show him what I feel about his uniformity code

What does this say to you?

- 'Welcome'? - No, it says 'Freedom'

I hope you kept your receipt because I'm pretty sure it says 'Welcome'

I left a Welcome mat in front of every door in our building

Ha, he wants uniformity, he's got it. And to show him I really mean business, haha, a wreath!

Yeah, you don't want to mess with a man who carries a wreath

Now we'll see how fast Hagerty gets back to me

Okay, it has stopped snowing. Who's going to shovel the sidewalk?

- Me! Me! I get to! - No, I get to do it!

- You did the last time! - No, you did!

There's only one way to settle this thing fairly. Neither of us gets to shovel the walk

- Oh, fair enough - You can either shovel the walk or you can dig your own graves

I'll just leave this here

Sharon, I see you have a Freedom mat

- Aww! - You and your stupid Welcome mats!

This note was taped to the wall by the mailboxes

"Attention. Until the tenant in 1A personally corrects his violation of the uniformity code, the heat shall remain off in the entire building. Have a nice day. Edgar J. Hagerty."

Freedom!

Man, when the people in our building come home, if I were you, I'd pick up those mats right now and get rid of those butt-ugly wreaths!

Couldn't you just pick them up?

What? And get on Hagerty's bad side? Forget it. He knows all!

He knows all, huh?Ask him why I'm slicing my three-iron.

Fine, fine, I'll do it after work but Hagerty has not heard the last of me

- Bill. Bill, what? I was just out there, it's not icy at all - Oh yeah?

I can't wait! Klaus is going to light up when he sees his new mermaid

Okay. This is the last one

Is that the heat?

Maybe he does know all

Looks like Hagerty finally got our windows unstuck. We should get him a little something.

"Happy to service your needs. Have a nice day. Edgar J. Hagerty."

It's two degrees and he took our windows!

-You mentioned that - I suppose you're going to let this just roll off your back

- Oh my God - What?

What is it?

Klaus?

KLAUS!!!...

Pete, one more time

Bill, it's really not that funny

Oh, come on. You walk into the apartment, snow's covering the whole place...

Berg wiped off the glass and Klaus was, like

That cracks me up

Do it again

Bill, I'm not doing it again!

Then shovel the sidewalk!

Berg took this really hard. I mean, he looked at me and he stormed out and I haven't heard from him since and it's all my fault

- Anything? - Nothing. Bernie, Fitzie, University, nobody's seen him

Did you try Topless, Topless, Topless?

Amber said he wasn't there

- Did you get it? - What do you think? Does he look like Klaus?

Aw, I think. Where did you get him?

Don't you recognize him? It's Harold. From my kindergarten class

- Ohh, Harold! - I told my kids he was visiting family at Sea World

I don't think any fish is going to replace Klaus

- Oh, honey, it's not your fault - Actually, it's all his fault

I know! I was just trying to make him feel better

Oh look, Sharon's right

I mean, Berg's out there, somewhere, lost, all by himself. Wandering around in the freezing cold

Did you try Topless, Topless, Topless?

- I'm sure he's fine - I wouldn't be so sure

I once took a job as a winter caretaker, in an old hotel in the mountains of Colorado

I thought I could work on my novel, spend some quality time with my family

All work and no play made Jack a dull boy!

Yes, the cold can do strange things to a man's mind

- Berg, thank God you're here - Are you all right?

Pete, show him the face

Berg, I'm really sorry about Klaus

Look, look look, I know it's not Klaus but I see potential

I'm sorry, Berg. Look, I asked for our windows backin writing.

Hakuna Matata?

- No, Pete. You were right all along - Berg, come on, honey.Let's get you over by the oven and thaw out your brain

No! Pete didn't kill Klaus. Hagerty did!

He stole our windows! That is an act of aggression.

That is an act of war. Well, if he wants a war, he's got one! Who's with me?

- I'm with you! - I'm still out.

All right, almost done

Hey Sharon, did you get our message?

Oh my good! Hagerty gave you your dish back

Let's just say we found it

Locked in his storage room

You guys! 3B, remember? Re-tiled his bathroom then bye, bye!

This guy's all smoke and mirrors. Like the Wizard of Oz

And we are just the guys to pull back the curtain

Hey, what's all this stuff?

Prisoners. Of the Uniformity Code

- Ah, my ficus! - See

Done

Now let's go glue down some Welcome mats

Klaus would have wanted it that way

Oh no! Need a new bulb

Better put that in writing. "Have a nice day. Edgar J. Hagerty".

Hey guys, I think you'd better take a look at what's in this file

Third generation West Point, top of his class, fought in three wars, green beret, CIA!

Oh man, you guys are so 3B!

They're up here!

What seems to be the problem, Mrs. Hemmelfarb?

You! Hagerty left this note. He says we don't get our electricity back until you go meet with him

Don't you see? He's crazy

- Today can be our Independence Day! - If we all band together, we can beat him

Well, we're going to band together and we're going to beat you!

Is there an address in that file?

I can't believe I'm taking you guys to see Hagerty

Just drive

Hagerty was close. Real close. Couldn't see him yet but I could feel him

It's as if the car was being sucked up by the highway and was called back into the woods

Part of me was afraid of what I would find when I got there

The thing I felt most, stronger than fear was the desire to confront him

Just remember we're in the right

Death to the Uniformity Code!

- And we stand together! - And I'll just be in the car

Come in

Gentlemen. Miss

Ya, enough with the small talk, Hagerty

What is the deal with dragging us out here in the middle of the night?

- May I offer you some cider and homemade cookies? - We didn't come here to eat cookies

Oh, I'll have one

- So you got my note - I got all your notes

Very well written

Thank you for coming

And thank you for shutting off our light, heat and hot water!

You know, this is the best cookie I've ever tasted! You used walnuts and apple corns!

I find it helps the texture of the cookie

Wait a minute. Two different kinds of nuts, doesn't that violate your stupid Uniformity Code?

Stupid?

Hey you know, I just gave them a ride

- The Uniformity Code is for the benefit of the tenants - What possible benefit could there be from a ban on Welcome mats?

I once owned a building filled with Welcome mats - astro-turf, rubber, coconut weave - I enjoyed them all.

Then one day a sweet old lady tripped on one and broke her ankle. I felt morally inclined to pay the hospital bill but I had to raise the rent for everyone

- Okay, no Welcome mats. That makes sense - Wait

What about a satellite dish? Who's going to trip over that?

Roof obstructions violate zoning laws. I could have filed the paperwork and gotten you a waiver but you clowns busted ranks!

All said and done, I saved you a 300-dollar fine

- 300 bucks? - Ahem

Ww-wait a minute, you still can't just turn off somebody's heat in the middle of winter

Yeah, what code is that?

Sometimes gentlemen, the way to discipline the platoon is to have the platoon discipline itself!

I thought that was funny

You killed my fish!

Ah yes, Klaus, the fish that fetched

It is often the innocent that get caught in the crossfire

The truth is you are slackers who need to take stock of who you are and what type of people you want to be.

With all due respect, sir-

You Bergen are a rutterless ship!

Ever since March of 1980, when you abandoned the Cub Scouts, your life has been a course-less journey

Business school, law school and now medical school. 10 girlfriends in six months. Son,your life lacks structure!

- You know he's not wrong - You just abandoned the Cub Scouts?

You, Private, when are you going to learn that you're not always right?

Who were you in 7th grade at the age of twelve to shake off Coach Marino's butt sign and cost the National Bank Taggers the 1985 Little League Championship!

I totally agree!

You are a kiss-ass little sellout who did the dirty with the editor of your high school yearbook so that your picture would be the only one in color!

- Yeah! - That is not the point

Point is if you're going to get through this life and have windows, you will learn to live by the rules

You will remove the satellite dish. You will put it in the storage room. You will repair the lock on the door and you will stop peeing in the shower!

All right, I'll stop

Sounds fair

And there's one more thing you will do

Come on you slackers! You heard Hagerty, two inches from the curb

What's he going to do, come out here and measure it?

Wonder what's gotten into them?

Once you've gone up river, nothing's ever the same

The h-horror

Look at all these cars, all with different people in them, each leading their own lives. Each thinking separate thoughts. Man!

Can one find love in a loveless world? Is there any such thing as true love or do you just find somebody and find truth in that love?

T-h-e-r-e was a farmer who had a dog and BINGO was his name - oh!