Original subtitles

OW! WATCH IT! THAT'S MY SPLEEN!

CAN'T YOU BE SERIOUS JUST FOR ONCE?

IRONIC, ISN'T IT, KAMEN?

YOU AND I, ARCHENEMIES,

ASSIGNED TO THE MORGUE ROTATION ON HALLOWEEN?

KINDA SPOOKY.

WELL... THAT WORKED OUT WELL.

W-WILL YOU QUIT IT, BERG?

Y-YOU'RE NOT FREAKING ME OUT.

I'M SORRY, BUDDY.

THANKS.

OH! YOU LEAVE ME ALONE.

HEY, HEY. WHOA.

EASY THERE, HUH?

LIGHTEN UP. IT'S HALLOWEEN.

LISTEN, UH, MY ROOMMATE AND I,

WE'RE HAVING THIS BIG PARTY TONIGHT,

SO... WHY DON'T YOU COME BY, HUH?

YEAH, LIKE I'M GONNA PARTY DOWN WITH YOU.

KAMEN, COME ON.

LET'S JUST PUT OUR DIFFERENCES BEHIND US, YOU KNOW?

BURY THE HATCHET.

NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS.

NOT IN A TRILLION MILLION YEARS.

HEY, BUDDY... OK, SUIT YOURSELF.

WHILE OTHERS ARE HAVING FUN,

YOU'RE GONNA BE ALONE IN THE MORGUE ON...

HALLOWEEN...

BERG?

I-IS THAT YOU?

Y-YOU'RE NOT SCARING ME. HA HA.

BERG.

YOU SCARED ME HALF TO DEATH.

LET ME TAKE CARE OF THE OTHER HALF. HMM?

YEAH, VERY FUNNY WITH THE RUBBER BLADE.

WOW.

HOW'D YOU DO THAT FAKE BLOOD?

AND... HOW COME IT... HURTS?

I'M STILL NOT COMING TO YOUR PARTY.

AGAIN WITH THE WELL-TIMED LIGHTNING.

HA HA.

AH HA HA HA HA!

AH HA HA HA HA HA HAH!

HERE IN THE TWILIGHT ♪

♪ HERE IN THE TWILIGHT... ♪

YES, MRS. HIMMELFARB.

YES.

YES, WE'LL TRY TO KEEP THE NOISE DOWN.

YEAH. I...

I UNDERSTAND YOUR DOG HAS SENSITIVE HEARING.

HE'S A DOG.

OW!

WATCH IT.

SORRY.

YOU'RE NOT SORRY.

I AM. I'M SORRY YOU DIDN'T WEAR A COSTUME

YOU COULD WALK IN.

YEAH, AND I'M SORRY

YOU DIDN'T DRESS IN THE COSTUME I BOUGHT YOU.

IF YOU WERE A FISHERMAN, AT LEAST WE'D GO TOGETHER.

I WANTED TO BE A COWBOY.

BUT I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR CATCH OF THE DAY.

WHERE WOULD A COWBOY FIND A MERMAID?

WHERE WOULD ANYBODY FIND A MERMAID?

FORGET IT.

JUST DROP ME NEAR THE KEG.

HEY, JOHNNY.

HEY, SHAR!

HEY.

NICE COSTUME!

OH, THANKS. HOW DO YOU PEE IN THAT THING?

OUT OF A WINDOW ON THE 42nd FLOOR.

OH.

NO!

I THINK THE KEG'S RUNNING LOW.

IT'S ALL PART OF MY EVIL PLAN.

WHAT, TO RUIN YOUR OWN HALLOWEEN PARTY?

FIENDISH.

AH HA HA HA HA!

NO.

YOU KNOW HOW BERG PULLS A HALLOWEEN PRANK ON ME EVERY YEAR?

YOU MEAN LIKE THE TIME HE MADE YOU THINK YOU WERE SHRINKING?

THEY WERE BIG SHOES.

THEY WOULD HAVE FOOLED ANYBODY.

AND THE BIG HAT.

OK, OK. WELL, THIS YEAR,

I RIGGED A KEG OVER AT THE PIZZA PLACE.

WHEN BERG PICKS IT UP,

HE'S GOING TO BE BURIED IN A BUCKET OF CORN FLAKES.

AND THE HUGE JACKET WITH THE LONG SLEEVES.

YEAH, THAT WAS FUNNY.

THAT WAS FUNNY.

YOU KNOW, WHERE'S JOHNNY, 'CAUSE I'M LOOKING FOR A FISHERMAN,

BUT I DON'T SEE ONE ANYWHERE.

SHUT UP. JUST... GET ME TO THE CHIPS.

ALL RIGHT.

COME ON. HOP ON, FLIPPER.

OH! OH, OH, OH.

I KNOW WHAT YOU AND JOHNNY ARE DOING.

IT'S LIKE THAT EPISODE OF BONANZA

WHERE LITTLE JOE GOES TO THE WELL,

AND HE FALLS IN LOVE WITH THE MERMAID.

SHARON, I WANT TO BE A COWBOY.

STUPID JOHNNY.

HEY, PETE.

BERG. WHERE'S THE BEER?

THE KEG ON THE COUNTER, REMEMBER?

I SPECIFICALLY ASKED YOU TO PICK IT UP.

OH, YEAH. YOU KNOW, I GOT HUNG UP

AT THE HOSPITAL. WE HAD THIS UNEXPECTED ARRIVAL.

D.O.A.

MEANWHILE, YOU STILL HAD ENOUGH TIME TO GET INTO COSTUME.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

IT'S NOT BAD, THOUGH.

IT LOOKS A LITTLE THICK TO BE REAL BLOOD.

WHAT'D YOU USE, KETCHUP?

YEAH, IT'S GETTING A LITTLE CRUSTY.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO ADD SOME FRESH BLOOD.

THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

NICE HAT.

NO!

HEY, BERG THE BUTCHER.

COOL COSTUME.

I'M SORRY. BUTCHER?

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, HUH?

CAN'T YOU TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ANIMAL BLOOD AND HUMAN BLOOD,

YOU WESTERN IMBECILE?

YOU-YOU'RE OUT OF BEER.

OH, GOSH, WE'RE OUT OF BEER. I GOT AN IDEA.

WHY DON'T YOU GO OVER TO THE PIZZA PLACE AND GET THE KEG THERE?

YEAH. WHY DON'T YOU TAKE CALAMITY JOHNNY WITH YOU?

OH, RIGHT.

THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.

I'LL TAKE JOHNNY.

IT'LL GIVE ME A CHANCE TO WORK ON MY COSTUME.

HOW'D YOU GET THE BEER WITHOUT THE CA...

YOU DIDN'T EVEN GET THE KEG!

OH, YEAH, THE BEER. I FORGOT.

HA HA HA.

BERG, LOOK, IF THIS IS ONE OF YOUR PRANKS,

I'M GONNA KILL YOU.

HA HA HA HA!

NOT IF I KILL YOU FIRST.

OHH... HEY! WHERE'S JOHNNY?

OH, HE'S NOT COMING BACK.

HE BLEW ME OFF BECAUSE OF ONE LITTLE FIGHT?

HE CAN GO ROT IN HELL.

OR IN A DUMPSTER BEHIND THE DAIRY QUEEN.

PETE. PUNCH BOWL.

YO, BUDDY, COME ON.

CART'S TAKEN. BEAT IT.

HEY, BERG.

OH! ASHLEY.

IT'S GOOD TO HAVE SOME FRESH MEAT AT THE PARTY.

WOW. I'M REALLY SURPRISED.

I WAS SURE I'D BE HERE AT LEAST A MINUTE

BEFORE YOU OFFENDED ME.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

I'M AFRAID THAT YOU'RE TAKING "FRESH MEAT"

THE WRONG WAY.

LOOK, BERG, I CAME HERE TO HAVE FUN,

BUT IF YOU TRY ANY MORE OF YOUR STUPID COME-ON LINES,

LIKE HOW YOU'D LIKE TO THAW ME OUT

OR SHOW ME HOW YOU RAISE YOUR TITANIC...

I'M GONNA HAVE TO LEAVE.

TRUST ME, YOU ARE NOT GONNA LEAVE

A KILLER PARTY LIKE THIS.

OH, I'M NOT?

NO.

YOU'RE NOT.

WOW. TH-THERE'S SOMETHING DIFFERENT ABOUT YOU, BERG.

SOMETHING... INTENSE.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I LIKE IT.

AND MAY I SAY

THAT YOU MAKE A WONDERFUL VICTIM.

WELL, THANK YOU.

ALL RIGHT, WHO'S THE TENANT HERE?

WE'LL FINISH THIS LATER.

IS THERE A PROBLEM, OFFICER?

YES, THERE IS. THERE'S BEEN SOME COMPLAINTS ABOUT THE NOISE.

YOU WANT TO KEEP IT DOWN?

YOU GOT IT, OFFICER.

I'LL TURN DOWN THE MUSIC AND DISPOSE OF SOME OF THE GUESTS.

GOOD.

NICE COSTUME.

THAT'S REALLY REALISTIC-LOOKING BLOOD.

WELL, THANK YOU.

BUT I DIDN'T DO IT MYSELF.

A LOT OF PEOPLE HELPED.

PETE! UH, THE COPS, THEY WANT US TO KEEP THE MUSIC DOWN.

OH, JEEZ... OH. ALL RIGHT. YEAH.

YOU GOT ME.

SO THIS IS YOUR BIG PRANK.

UH, NO, NO. HE'S REAL.

MMM. HE LOOKS REAL, TOO.

WHOOOO!

FAKE BADGE. FAKE NIGHTSTICK.

RIGHT DOWN TO THE FAKE SPARE TIRE FROM ALL THOSE DOUGHNUTS.

HA HA HA HA HA!

I TOLD YOU I'D CALL THE POLICE

IF YOU DIDN'T KEEP IT DOWN.

MRS. HIMMELFARB.

OH, MY GOD.

HEH HEH HEH HEH.

HEH HEH HEH HEH.

HA HA HA!

HA HA HA HA!

HA HA HA HA!

MAYBE YOU'D LIKE TO COME DOWNTOWN,

SPEND THE NIGHT IN OUR FAKE JAIL

AND BE THE FAKE WIFE OF YOUR CELLMATE.

I'M, UH, I'M SORRY ABOUT MY FRIEND, OFFICER.

WE'LL KEEP IT DOWN.

YOU BETTER.

YOU'RE A GOOD KID.

YOU... I DON'T LIKE!

HEY, WELL, I'M JUST GONNA HAVE TO HAVE A LITTLE TALK

WITH THAT MRS. HIMMELFARB.

FORGET HER. THIS PARTY'S FALLING APART.

LOOK, PEOPLE ARE LEAVING.

WOULD YOU JUST GO GET THE BEER?

I HAVE A LOT TO DO, ALL RIGHT?

WHAT, YOU THINK KILLING SPREES JUST HAPPEN?

OK.

ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I GIVE UP.

I'M JUST GONNA GET THE BEER MYSELF.

YOU KNOW WHAT, BERG?

IF YOU WERE TRYING TO PULL A PRANK ON ME, I'D FALL FOR IT,

BECAUSE THAT'S THE KIND OF FRIEND I AM.

HEY! I NEED THIS.

HEY, BERG.

SO WHEN AM I GONNA GET THE TOUR OF THE PLACE?

HEY, DOLL. I'LL SHOW YOU AROUND.

BUT I GOTTA WARN YOU,

MY BEDROOM IS A BLOODY MESS.

OK. I'VE BEEN WARNED.

OK.

LET'S GO, THEN.

Chop-chop.

SOMEBODY THERE?

HELLO!

HELLO!

HELLO?

AAH!

HA HA!

NICE GOING, BERG.

YOU SCARED ME HALF TO DEATH.

ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN? WHAT?

NO!

WHAT, I START TO UNTIE YOU

AND A BUCKET OF CORN FLAKES FALL ON MY HEAD?

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DID IT.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M NOT FALLING FOR IT.

HAVE FUN GETTING OUT OF THIS ONE, HOUDINI.

BEACON STREET PIZZA.

PETE.

WHO'S THIS?

IT'S ME... BERG.

HELLOOO!

PETE, YOU STILL THERE?

YEAH... YEAH, I'M STILL HERE.

DID YOU GET MY LITTLE GIFT-WRAPPED PRESENT?

WHO ARE YOU?

OH, NOW, JUST YOUR AVERAGE MENTALLY DERANGED

HOMICIDAL IMPOSTOR.

LISTEN...

CAN YOU GRAB ME SOME CELERY STICKS?

I FEEL LIKE A BLOODY MARY.

AND A BLOODY SHARON.

HELLO?

I'M SORRY, BERG.

WHEN I SAW YOU TIED UP,

I THOUGHT IT WAS PART OF YOUR HALLOWEEN PRANK.

NO, NO. THAT WASN'T MY PRANK.

THIS WAS MY PRANK.

THAT WAS YOUR PRANK?

YEAH. I WAS GONNA HANG IT OVER YOUR BED.

CAN YOU IMAGINE?

HOOOO!

HOOOO!

HOO...

I'VE BEEN BUSY, OK?

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?

ALL I KNOW IS SOME GUY JUMPS OUT,

HITS ME ON THE HEAD, AND HE LOOKS JUST LIKE ME.

I NEVER REALIZED HOW DASHING I AM.

THAT GUY'S BEEN PRETENDING TO BE YOU AT THE PARTY.

NEVER SEEN MY PROFILE BEFORE.

I SHOULD BE ON A COIN.

WE GOTTA WARN EVERYBODY.

HELLO.

SHARON, YOU HAVE TO GET EVERYBODY OUT OF THE APARTMENT.

YOU ALREADY TOOK CARE OF THAT.

YOUR PLAN TO RUN OUT OF BEER WORKED.

IS... BERG STILL THERE?

NO. HE WENT OUT TO HAVE A LITTLE CHAT WITH MRS. HIMMELFARB.

OH, HERE HE IS.

HEY, BERG.

SHARON, YOU HAVE TO GET DOWN TO THE PIZZA PLACE NOW,

ALL RIGHT? AND STAY AWAY FROM BERG.

ME AND BERG'LL BE WAITING FOR YOU HERE.

I GOT A BETTER IDEA.

WHY DON'T YOU GET AWAY FROM YOUR BERG,

AND ME AND MY BERG WILL BE WAITING FOR YOU.

NOT LISTENING.

SHARON, LISTEN TO ME, OK? THIS IS BERG.

THAT'S NOT ME AT THE PARTY.

WOW! PETE, THAT'S A REALLY GOOD IMPRESSION OF BERG.

NOW DO ME, DO ME!

SHARON, LISTEN TO ME, OK? THIS IS BERG.

THAT GUY'S AN IMPOSTOR.

OK, PETE, I BELIEVE YA.

UM, SHARON, THERE'S SOMETHING I'VE GOTTA TELL YOU ABOUT BERG.

WHAT?

HE'S GONNA MAKE A LOUSY DOCTOR.

AAH!

AAH!

AAH! AAH!

ALL RIGHT, THE POLICE ARE ON THEIR WAY.

OK, IT'S SHAR! IT'S SHARON, IT'S SHARON. IT'S SHAR.

WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?

HELLO!

YOU GUYS, THIS IS WORSE THAN WE THOUGHT.

THE GUY IN THE APARTMENT IS A KILLER.

A KILLER?

YES. BERG.

I'VE GOT BAD NEWS FOR YOU.

ASHLEY'S DEAD.

YOU'RE KIDDING.

SHE CAME TO THE PARTY?

PETE, SHE CAME TO THE PARTY!

MAYBE YOU DIDN'T HEAR ME.

SHE'S DEAD.

STILL, I CONSIDER IT A MINOR VICTORY.

AAH! AAH!

OH, CALM DOWN. IT'S JUST THE COPS.

ALL RIGHT! QUICK! IT'S HIM!

FIND SOMETHING TO HIT HIM WITH!

NO, NO, NO, NOT THAT!

WHY NOT?

IT'S MY HALLOWEEN PRANK.

IT'S RIGGED TO A BUCKET OF CORN FLAKES.

HEY, WOW, THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.

YOU THINK?

HOW'D YOU DO IT WITH THE RIGGING AND...

I PUT THE ROPE AROUND... Sharon: GUYS!

KILLER OUTSIDE!

RIGHT. RIGHT. PETE, GET THE ROLLING PIN.

YES!

AAH!

AND YOU THOUGHT IT WAS LAME.

OK! OK! OK! WHEN I OPEN THE DOOR, YOU TWO POUNCE ON HIM.

GOT IT! GOT IT!

ONE!

2!

OH, THANK GOD! IT'S THE... PETE?

BERG?

YOU WERE GONNA LEAVE ME ALONE

WITH THE KILLER?

WE WERE LYING IN WAIT.

DID SOMEONE CALL THE POLICE?

YES, SIR, I DID. I... OH, IT'S YOU.

OH. HI.

HI.

UM, LISTEN, I'M REALLY SORRY

ABOUT THE MISUNDERSTANDING EARLIER.

I THOUGHT... HA HA... THAT MY FRIEND HERE

WAS USING YOU TO PULL A PRANK ON US.

HA HA HA HA!

BUT, ANYWAY, HIS EVIL TWIN'S OUTSIDE, AND HE'S TRYING TO KILL US.

WE HAVE THE SAME DASHING PROFILE.

I OUGHT TO RUN THE THREE OF YOU IN.

BUT LUCKY FOR YOU, I RETIRE AT MIDNIGHT.

AND I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE LAST HOUR OF A 26-YEAR CAREER

FILLIN' OUT PAPERWORK.

NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,

I'M LATE FOR MY RETIREMENT PARTY.

WELL, HE'S DEAD.

OH, MY GOD!

I JUST CLEANED THAT WINDOW THIS MORNING.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

I GOTTA HELP HIM. I'M A DOCTOR.

YOU'RE NOT A DOCTOR.

THEN YOU GO.

NO, BERG, DON'T, DON'T! YOU'RE CLOSE ENOUGH.

OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!

ALL RIGHT, COME ON, WE GOTTA GET A HOLD OF OURSELVES.

JUST CALM DOWN. CALM DOWN.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S... LET'S... LET'S PUT SOME MUSIC ON.

COME ON.

COME ON.

♪ I THINK I'M GOIN' OUT OF MY HEAD... ♪

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

NO!

♪ YES, I THINK I'M GOIN'... ♪

HE GOT JOHNNY.

♪ OVER YOU ♪

UCCHH!

POOR GUY.

LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE. HE DIDN'T BLOW YOU OFF.

OH, YEAH, THAT'S TRUE.

OHH, I'M SORRY I DOUBTED YOU.

AAH! AAH!

NO! IT'S ME! I WAS TRYING TO SAVE THE COP

AND I GOT COVERED IN HIS BLOOD.

WE THOUGHT YOU WERE THE KILLER.

HE'S STILL OUT THERE.

WE SHOULD BARRICADE THE DOOR.

YES! YES! YES! GOOD IDEA! GOOD IDEA!

I JUST THOUGHT OF SOMETHING.

WHAT IF THAT'S NOT THE REAL BERG?

OH. YEAH. THEN WE'D BE BARRICADING OURSELVES IN

WITH THE KILLER.

THAT'S NOT GOOD.

UM, UM, UH, BERG.

YOU REMEMBER LAST WEEK

WHEN WE WERE SITTING AROUND THE KITCHEN TABLE TALKING...

IF YOU WERE AN APPLIANCE, WHAT APPLIANCE WOULD YOU BE?

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

CROCKPOT?

NO!

IT'S WAFFLE IRON, YOU PSYCHO BERG!

PETE... KILL HIM.

I CAN'T KILL HIM. HE LOOKS JUST LIKE BERG.

COME ON, IF YOU WERE PSYCHO PETE,

BERG WOULD KILL YOU IN A SECOND.

LOOK, WILL YOU JUST GO IN BACK AND GET SOME ROPE?

WE'LL TIE HIM UP.

THIS IS FOR JOHNNY.

UHH!

AND THIS IS FOR THE COP. UHH!

WHAT ARE YOU STANDING THERE FOR?!

UHH!

AH!

UHH!

BERG! NO, DON'T WORRY!

SOMEBODY KNOCKED ME OUT WHEN I WAS TRYING TO SAVE THE COP

AND I GOT COVERED IN HIS BLOOD.

THAT'S OK. WE GOT THE KILLER RIGHT HERE.

PETE'S IN BACK GETTING SOME ROPE.

NO, NO, HE'LL NEVER FIND IT. IT'S BEHIND SOME BOXES.

OK, YOU GO HELP PETE.

I'LL STAY HERE KICKING THE PSYCHO BERG.

HEY, PETE.

AAH! SHARON! HE ESCAPED!

NO! NO! IT'S ME. I CAME TO HELP YOU FIND THE ROPE.

OH, YEAH? THEN WHAT APPLIANCE WOULD YOU WANT TO BE?

TOASTER OVEN.

NO.

IT'S WAFFLE IRON, YOU MANIAC!

AAH!

NO!

YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE IT.

I DID IT. I KILLED THE PSYCHO BERG.

REALLY?

SHARON! GOOD NEWS!

PETE KILLED THE PSYCHO BERG.

OH, MY... GOD.

I WAS WAFFLE IRON.

LISTEN, I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND THAT CRACK ABOUT KILLING PSYCHO BERG.

FINE. I'LL CUT YOU SOME SLACK.

THANKS.

OW! OW! OW!

GOT MILK?

OW!

OK, THAT HURT. THAT HURT.

AAH!

WHOO!

WHO ARE YOU?

YOU!

BUT WHY?

BECAUSE NOW I HAVE MY OWN SHOW.

MY OWN SHOW!

AND ALL THE FREE PIZZA I CAN EAT.

I LOVE HALLOWEEN.

AH HA HA HA HA HA!

AH HA HA HA HA HA HA!

AND NOW SOME SCENES FROM NEXT WEEK'S EPISODE OF...

IN FIVE!