Original subtitles

BERG, HAVE YOU SEEN MY RED TOWEL?

WHAT?

MY RED TOWEL. I GOT TO WASH IT.

MRS. HIMMELFARB'S CAT TOOK A LEAK ON IT.

WHAT?

NEVER MIND.

PETE, I WANT TO MEET YOUR NEW GIRLFRIEND.

GO AWAY.

IT IS MY RIGHT TO MEET THE WOMEN YOU DATE.

AFTER ALL, I RAISED YOU.

LEAVIN' YOU OUT, THAT REALLY UPSETS YOU, DOESN'T IT?

WELL, YEAH, IT DOES.

I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW HAPPY THIS MAKES ME.

PLEASE. I INTRODUCE YOU TO THE GIRLS I DATE.

I INTRODUCED YOU TO ASHLEY.

WE DON'T DATE, AND WE WON'T DATE.

AW, LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE.

NOW YOU'VE UPSET MY GIRLFRIEND.

AW, WHEN DID YOU TWO START GOING OUT?

OH, YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. I REMEMBER. NEVER.

COME ON. DON'T LET HER FOOL YA, HUH?

WHY DO YOU THINK SHE'S HERE?

SHE LOVES ME.

OH, I SEE. AND ALL THESE PEOPLE,

THEY'RE HERE BECAUSE THEY LOVE YOU, TOO?

ON SOME LEVEL.

HEY, SHARON.

I HATE MY GYM.

I FORGOT TO ASK YOU. DO YOU LIKE YOUR GYM?

IT'S NOTHING BUT A DISGUSTING MEET MARKET.

THEY LURE MEN INTO JOINING

BY PUTTING ALL THE SILICONE SALLIES BY THE WINDOW

SO THEY CAN OGLE THEM.

YOU DIDN'T MAKE THE WINDOW AGAIN, HUH?

NO. THIRD ROW.

THAT IS WHAT SICKENS ME ABOUT HEALTH CLUBS TODAY.

FITNESS SHOULD BE ABOUT GETTIN' INTO SHAPE,

NOT FORCING WOMEN TO BE IN SOME PEEP SHOW.

THERE'S YOUR CHECK, POODLES.

LIKE THEY DON'T WASH YOUR FACEPRINT OFF THAT WINDOW

ON A DAILY BASIS.

'CAUSE I'M TRYIN' TO FIND YOU...

ALL THE WAY IN THE THIRD ROW.

HEY, IF YOU WANT TO AVOID PEOPLE LIKE HIM,

YOU SHOULD TRY MY GYM. WOMEN ONLY.

HERE IS THE ADDRESS.

OH, THANKS, ASHLEY. THAT'S REALLY NICE OF YOU.

YEAH. MENTION MY NAME SO I GET A FREE MONTH.

EXCUSE ME. WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY "PEOPLE LIKE HIM"?

OH, YOU'RE RIGHT. I'M SORRY.

I SHOULDN'T STEREOTYPE.

I WAS BEING UNFAIR TO PERVERTS EVERYWHERE.

APOLOGY ACCEPTED.

SHE REALLY LIKES YOU.

REALLY? NO.

I KNOW SOMEBODY WHO WORKS OUT AT THIS GYM,

SO IT MUST BE GREAT.

YES, SOMEBODY. SOMEBODY?

OH, RIGHT. THE GIRL YOU MET AT THE, UH... THE, UH...

YEAH, THE GIRL AT THE, UH...

COME ON, GUYS, STOP.

I HAVEN'T BEEN TO "THE, UH" IN YEARS.

BERG, I THINK HE'S JUST MAKIN' UP THIS GIRL

SO WE DON'T FEEL SORRY FOR HIM.

SHARON, THAT IS SO SAD.

SO SAD. MMM, SO SAD.

YES, IT'S SAD. THIS FROM THE WOMAN IN THE THIRD ROW

AND THE MAN WITH THE GIRLFRIEND THAT HATES HIM.

COME ON, PETE. WE WANT TO MEET HER.

COME ON. I'LL TELL YOU A SECRET OF SHARON'S. OW!

GUYS, PLEASE. FOR ONCE, I NEED MY OWN LIFE.

HE CAN'T HAVE HIS OWN LIFE,

ESPECIALLY WHEN WE GOT NOTHIN' GOIN' ON.

HI. RESERVATIONS FOR DUNVILLE.

YES. 2 OF YOUR PARTY'S ALREADY HERE.

WHAT?

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOIN' HERE?

WAITIN' FOR YOU.

YOUR APPOINTMENT BOOK SAID 7:30.

WE'RE BUSY PEOPLE, YOU KNOW.

SO, WHERE IS SHE?

UH, SHE'S MEETING ME AFTER WORK.

OH, RIGHT. SHE'S WORKS AT THE, UH...

AT THE, UH... THE, UH... GO AWAY.

LOOK, WHY CAN'T WE MEET HER?

YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY? I'LL TELL YOU WHY.

BECAUSE YOU'LL SCREW IT UP LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

BERG, LOOK, EVERY TIME I INTRODUCE YOU GUYS TO SOMEBODY I'M SEEING,

YOU POINT OUT SOME FLAW OF HERS, WHICH I THEN OBSESS ON,

AND INEVITABLY, IT RUINS THE RELATIONSHIP.

WE DO NOT.

DENISE? REMEMBER DENISE?

DUMBO EARS.

OH, YEAH. I THOUGHT SHE WAS A NICE GIRL.

SHE WAS A NICE GIRL.

BUT BECAUSE OF YOU GUYS, I COULDN'T STOP LOOKING AT HER EARS.

SHE ORDERED PEANUTS AT A RED SOX GAME, AND THAT WAS IT.

WELL, DON'T BLAME US.

IF YOU WANTED A REAL RELATIONSHIP,

YOU WOULD'VE WORKED IT OUT WITH DUMBO EARS.

OR SHE-MALE.

DO YOU SEE? YOU GUYS JUST CAN'T HELP YOURSELVES.

OK. WE PROMISE TO BE GOOD.

YEAH.

OH, IS THAT HER?

OH, PETE, WAY TO GO.

A LITTLE ANGELA LANSBURY ACTION.

HEY, JUST BECAUSE SHE'S OLDER

DOESN'T MAKE HER FLAWED.

WHOA, LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THOSE FEET.

OK, YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU GUYS NEED A HOBBY.

WE HAVE ONE. YOU.

YOU'RE... NONTOXIC, FUN FOR ALL AGES,

AND COME COMPLETELY ASSEMBLED.

LOOK, I LIKE THIS GIRL, OK? I CARE ABOUT THIS GIRL.

WE TALK ON THE PHONE FOR HOURS.

WE TAKE LONG, LONG WALKS. WE PLAY SCRABBLE.

NNN. THINGS YOU DO WHEN YOU'RE NOT SLEEPING WITH SOMEONE.

DING DING DING.

OK, LOOK. MY ROMANTIC LIFE IS NOT A GAME SHOW, OK?

SO IF YOU GUYS START PICKING THIS GIRL APART AND I BREAK UP WITH HER,

I AM NEVER, EVER, EVER GONNA FORGIVE YOU.

FINE. JUST WISH YOU WOULD'VE SAID SOMETHING

BEFORE WE DROVE ALL THE WAY OVER HERE.

BOBBY, HEY. BERG.

THIS IS SHARON, AND, SHARON, THIS IS BOBBY.

I KNOW HIM FROM THE GYM.

YOU DON'T BELONG TO A GYM.

NO, NO. WE STAND OUTSIDE THE WINDOW OF YOUR GYM.

OH, YOU GO THERE? HOW COME I NEVER SEEN YOU?

THIRD ROW.

OHH...

I HATE MY GYM.

PETE... THERE SHE IS.

WHOA, SHE'S CUTE. WAY TO GO, PETE. COME ON, BERG.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. SHE... SHE LOOKS FAMILIAR.

WHERE DO I KNOW HER FROM?

OH, GOD... I THINK I FOUND A FLAW.

WHAT FLAW?

ME. ME, OK? WE HAD A THING A FEW YEARS AGO.

WHAT KIND OF THING?

MEET AT A PARTY, THEN HAVE WILD SEX

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT ON A JUNGLEGYM.

WOW. AND I FIND CARPETS UNCOMFORTABLE.

WHAT IS HER NAME? IT'S AN "N" NAME. STARTS WITH AN "N."

NO. NANCY?

NADINE? NO.

NANTUCKET?

NO.

COME ON, BERG. IF YOU DON'T REMEMBER HER, MAYBE SHE WON'T REMEMBER YOU.

LOOK, IT WAS ONE NIGHT A LONG TIME AGO.

PETE DOESN'T HAVE TO KNOW.

IT MIGHT BE KIND OF HARD TO KEEP FROM HIM.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

HOW ABOUT MY NAME IS TATTOOED ON HER ASS?

PETE'S RIGHT. I DO RUIN ALL OF HIS RELATIONSHIPS,

AND THIS ONE I RUINED 3 YEARS IN ADVANCE.

WHICH IS ACTUALLY PRETTY GOOD

FOR SUCH A PROCRASTINATOR.

THIS SUCKS.

LOOK ON THE POSITIVE SIDE...

WHEN PEOPLE ARE TELLING SMALL WORLD STORIES,

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE THE BEST ONE.

YOU... ARE NOT HELPING.

NOT TRYING TO.

THIS ISN'T FAIR, YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, IT WASN'T EVEN MY IDEA.

WE'RE STUMBLING BY A TATTOO PARLOR,

I NEEDED TO USE THE BATHROOM,

REST ROOM SIGN SAYS "CUSTOMERS ONLY,"

SHE VOLUNTEERED.

YOU KIDS REALLY HAD SOMETHING SPECIAL GOING.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M PANICKING. I'M PANICKING.

I MEAN, LET'S GIVE PETE A LITTLE CREDIT HERE.

MAYBE IT WON'T EVEN MATTER

THAT I SLEPT WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND FIRST.

HA HA HA HA HA.

ARE YOU KIDDING?

HE HAS A CONNIPTION WHEN YOU READ THE NEWSPAPER BEFORE HE DOES.

OH, GOOD GOD. WHAT IF TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT

HE FINALLY SLEEPS WITH...

DENA... NANOOK... CHUCK?

WHAT THE HELL IS HER NAME?

SEE? THIS IS WHY TATTOOS COME IN HANDY.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

LOOK, I'M SORRY. THAT'S HOW WE PLAY.

WHEN ONE OF US IS DOWN, YOU KICK 'EM!

HEY, GUYS.

HEY, PETE. EVERYTHING OK?

YEAH. GREAT.

WHAT DID YOU GUYS END UP DOIN'?

OH, WE WENT TO THE MOVIES.

WHAT DID YOU SEE?

WHAT DOES IT MATTER? SHE TALKED THROUGH THE WHOLE THING.

OH, I HATE THAT. DON'T YOU HATE THAT?

THAT MUST'VE DRIVEN YOU CRAZY.

YEAH. OH, YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE SHE DOES?

SHE LAUGHS AT HER OWN JOKES.

HOLY INCOMPATIBILITY, BATMAN.

PETE, IT'S A GOOD THING YOU FOUND OUT NOW.

OH, OH, YOU KNOW WHAT I NOTICED TONIGHT?

SHE'S GOT A CHIPPED TOOTH.

WHOA! WHAT IS SHE, FROM ENGLAND?

YEAH, YEAH. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? I DON'T CARE.

HUH?

I MEAN, I MUST REALLY LIKE NICOLE...

NICOLE!

YES, NICOLE. I KNOW ALL OF HER FLAWS,

AND SOMEHOW... THEY DON'T BOTHER ME.

OH, BERG, WILL YOU COVER FOR ME TOMORROW NIGHT?

SURE.

NICOLE AND I ARE SPENDING THE NIGHT

AT A BED AND BREAKFAST UP IN CONCORD.

OH, TOMORROW. TOMORROW NIGHT.

NO, NO, I CAN'T DO THAT.

OH, YOU... THANKS, MAN.

IT IS A GREAT DAY TO BE ME.

AND JUST THE WORST DAY TO BE YOU.

SHARON, THE SECOND HE SEES THAT TATTOO,

HE IS NEVER LETTING ME NEAR ANYONE

HE CARES ABOUT AGAIN.

I WANTED TO BE THE BEST MAN AT HIS WEDDING.

I WANTED TO BE UNCLE BERG TO HIS KIDS.

HE'D SAY, "NO SODA,"

AND I'D GIVE 'EM SODA.

BUT NOW NO ONE GETS SODA.

OOH, WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT,

IT WAS ONE NIGHT 3 YEARS AGO.

MAYBE SHE'S HAD THE TATTOO REMOVED.

YOU'RE RIGHT. MAYBE SHE DID.

BUT OUR FRIENDSHIP IS TOO IMPORTANT TO RELY ON MAYBES.

I LOVE THAT GUY,

SO I GOTTA GET A GOOD LOOK AT HIS GIRLFRIEND'S ASS.

WHOO! THIS PLACE IS AMAZING.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET DRESSED UP OR WEAR MAKEUP.

PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY HERE TO WORK OUT.

LET'S NOT FORGET WHY YOU'RE HERE. DID YOU SEE NICOLE?

SHE SIGNED IN, BUT SHE'S NOT IN THE WORKOUT ROOM.

ALL RIGHT, HIT THE SHOWERS, KID.

BERG.

ASH-ASHLEY. WHAT... WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WELL, IT'S A WOMEN'S GYM,

SO OBVIOUSLY I WAS IN THE BACK

HAVING A PILLOW FIGHT IN MY PANTIES.

WELL, I'M AT A WOMEN'S GYM

BECAUSE I'M WAITING FOR A WOMAN.

SHARON, MY FRIEND SHARON.

SHE'S ALSO A WOMAN.

YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY. I WAS JUST THINKIN' ABOUT YOU.

YEAH. REALLY.

WELL, I WAS IN THE LOCKER ROOM GETTING DRESSED,

AND AS I BENT DOWN TO TIE MY SHOE,

YOU JUST POPPED INTO MY HEAD.

REALLY?

HA HA HA HA HA.

YEAH. WELL...

YOUR NAME WAS TATTOOED ON SOME WOMAN'S BUTT.

REALLY.

THAT WOULD BE NICOLE,

AND SHE'S ALSO JUST A FRIEND.

WHAT, DO YOU BRAND THEM TO KEEP TRACK?

NO. NO, IT'S NOT LIKE THAT.

NO, NO, NO. THERE'S NOTHING YOU COULD POSSIBLY SAY. YOU'RE HOPELESS.

CALL ME.

SHEESH. YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE THE HUMILIATION I JUST SUFFERED FOR YOU.

I HAD TO PEEK IN EVERY SHOWER STALL.

I GOT 3 SCREAMS, 2 DIRTY LOOKS,

AND AN INVITATION TO PLAY GOLF.

BUT I FOUND HER. SHE'S GOT THIS THING ON HER...

I KNOW, I KNOW. IT'S STILL THERE.

ASHLEY TOLD ME, AND SHE IS NOT HAPPY WITH ME.

WELL, TELL HER TO GET IN LINE.

THAT'S HER.

LISTEN, UH...

I DON'T KNOW WHAT KIND OF PLACE YOU'RE USED TO,

BUT THIS GYM ISN'T A MEET MARKET, OK?

WOMEN DON'T COME HERE TO GET OGLED.

I WASN'T OGLING.

I WAS LOOKING FOR A FRIEND.

OH, TRY THE PERSONALS.

HEY, HEY, CHIN UP. YOU'LL FIND SOMEONE.

NICOLE.

HI. DO I KNOW YOU?

3 YEARS AGO, STEVE BESSEN'S PARTY.

JUNGLEGYM. TATTOO PARLOR.

OH, MY GOD.

IT'S YOU.

BERG.

TRUST ME, I CAN REMEMBER THE NAME.

SO HOW YOU BEEN?

I'VE BEEN GOOD.

GOOD. GOOD.

WELL, NICE CATCHING UP.

SO HERE IS AN INCREDIBLE COINCIDENCE.

DID PETE EVER MENTION HIS ROOMMATE?

YEAH. PETE?

OH, TELL ME YOU DO NOT WORK AT A PIZZA PLACE.

NO. I'M A MED STUDENT.

WHO WORKS AT A PIZZA PLACE.

GREAT. DOES PETE KNOW?

NO, NO, AND PETE DOESN'T NEED TO KNOW.

SO I SAY WE HOP IN A CAB AND WE GO DUTCH ON SOME LASER SURGERY.

FORGET IT! I'M NOT GONNA HAVE IT REMOVED.

OK. ALL RIGHT. SO KEEP BERG,

BUT HOW ABOUT WRITING THE WORD "ICE" IN FRONT OF IT?

NO!

HINDEN?

I'M NOT TOUCHING IT.

WHOOPI GOLD.

THAT TATTOO STAYS RIGHT WHERE IT IS.

WOW! I MEANT THAT MUCH TO YOU, HUH?

YES. WHEN WE HAD OUR... WHATEVER IT WAS,

I HAD DROPPED OUT OF SCHOOL.

I... I WAS PARTYING A LOT.

AND I WAS OUT OF CONTROL.

AND THEN THAT NIGHT WITH YOU WAS ROCK-BOTTOM.

AFTER THAT, I REALIZED I HAD TO CHANGE MY LIFE.

THAT TATTOO IS A REMINDER TO ME

TO NEVER SINK THAT LOW AGAIN.

WELL, GLAD I COULD HELP.

BUT WHAT ABOUT PETE?

PETE'S GREAT. HE'S THE SWEETEST GUY I'VE MET IN A LONG TIME.

I CARE A LOT ABOUT PETE.

SO DO I, NICOLE.

WHEN HE SEES THAT TATTOO...

IF THIS RUINS OUR RELATIONSHIP,

THEN THERE WASN'T MUCH OF ONE TO BEGIN WITH.

HEY!

WHAT DO YOU BENCH-PRESS, LIKE, 350?

HEY, WHERE'S PETE?

HE'S IN BACK.

WHY ARE YOU HIDING BEHIND A MENU?

OVER THERE.

I THINK SOME WOMEN FROM THAT GYM JUST WALKED IN.

MAYBE IF THEY WERE NAKED AND WET, YOU COULD BE SURE.

OW.

SO DID YOU TALK WITH NICOLE?

YEAH. SHE WON'T GET RID OF THE TATTOO.

WANTS TO BE COMPLETELY HONEST WITH PETE ABOUT HER PAST.

LIKE THAT'S HEALTHY.

BERG, YOU'RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO TELL HIM.

YOU GIVE ME ONE GOOD REASON WHY I SHOULD,

BESIDES HE'S MY BEST FRIEND

AND IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

OK, THAT IS IT.

BERG, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COVERING MY SHIFT.

THIS IS A FRIEND. IS THIS NOT A FRIEND?

OH, AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

UH, WHEN WE GET BACK, WE'LL ALL GO OUT TO DINNER.

YOU GUYS, ME, NICOLE.

YEAH. YEAH.

YOU'LL LOVE HER. SHE'S REALLY FUN TO GET TO KNOW.

APPARENTLY.

AHEM.

PETE, THERE'S JUST ONE THING.

UH, LISTEN, MAN. THIS IS... THIS IS REALLY HARD FOR ME,

BUT... A FEW YEARS AGO, I WENT OUT...

WITHOUT SUNBLOCK,

AND I REGRET IT TO THIS DAY.

THAT'S TOUGH, MAN.

YEAH.

SEE YA!

PETE, IT'S ABOUT YOU AND NICOLE. AHEM.

WHAT ABOUT ME AND NICOLE?

I THINK THAT YOU TWO COULD BE PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER, BUT...

I DON'T NEED YOUR STAMP OF APPROVAL.

TOO LATE.

WELL, LOOK, JUST ONE TEENY-TINY THING

THAT I FEEL COULD BE A STUMBLING BLOCK BETWEEN YOU GUYS.

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HER.

LAST NIGHT, AS I WAS LEAVING THE BAR,

I ACCIDENTALLY CAUGHT A GLIMPSE OF HER.

THIS IS SOMETHING THAT WOULD BOTHER A JERK LIKE ME,

BUT NOT A WELL-ADJUSTED, SECURE MAN LIKE YOURSELF.

IF YOU'RE GONNA START PICKING HER APART,

IT'S NOT GONNA MAKE A BIT OF A DIFFERENCE,

SO DON'T EVEN BOTHER.

WHAT KIND OF TEENY-TINY THING

WOULD BOTHER A JERK LIKE YOU?

WELL, I'LL TELL YOU. A FEW YEARS AGO,

I KINDA MET NICOLE AT A PARTY.

DON'T... DON'T TELL ME YOU SLEPT WITH HER.

WELL, THAT KIND OF RUINS THE END OF MY STORY.

THIS ISN'T HAPPENING.

YOU CAN'T BLAME ME FOR THIS. NO?

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO,

WALK UP TO EVERY GIRL I MEET AT A PARTY

AND GO, "EXCUSE ME. ARE YOU PLANNING ON DATING

PETE DUNVILLE IN 3 YEARS"?

THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE.

SOMEHOW, YOU'VE ACTUALLY GONE BACK IN TIME

AND RUINED MY LIFE.

IT'S NOT LIKE SHE HASN'T SLEPT WITH OTHER GUYS, TOO.

THERE'S A SILVER LINING.

PETE, IT WAS ONE NIGHT.

HE MEANT NOTHING TO HER.

LESS THAN NOTHING.

IN FACT, I THINK SHE KINDA HATES ME.

OK. ALL RIGHT, FINE. YOU AND NICOLE HAD A DATE.

IT WASN'T EVEN A DATE. DATES ARE ROMANTIC.

I JUST PICKED HER UP AT A PARTY.

SHH SHH SHH SHH SHH SHH SHH SHH SHH.

IT'S IN THE PAST, OK?

I'M ERASING THE MENTAL IMAGE.

GONE. NO MORE FLAW.

HEY, HEY, YOU ARE ONE HELL OF A GUY.

I REALLY AM.

ANOTHER TEENY-TINY THING COULD COME UP.

DON'T WANT TO KNOW. DON'T NEED TO KNOW.

WHY? BECAUSE IT'S IN THE PAST, AND THERE IT WILL STAY

AS LONG AS I NEVER, EVER HAVE TO BE REMINDED OF IT AGAIN.

PETE, BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER,

THERE'S SOMETHING I NEED TO TELL YOU.

IT'S ABOUT YOUR ROOMMATE AND ME.

LOOK, BABE, HE ALREADY TOLD ME.

I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT IT WAS JUST A STUPID, DUMB THING.

LOOK, WE DON'T EVEN HAVE TO TALK ABOUT IT, OK?

I AM SO... SO PAST IT.

IT WON'T BOTHER YOU?

WATCH IT NOT BOTHER ME.

OH, PETE.

NICOLE.

OH... PETE.

NICOLE.

PETE.

NICOLE.

PETE.

BERG?!

PERFECT.

PETE? IS HE BACK YET?

NO.

AHH. WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HAND?

I WAS SO UPSET

ABOUT THE WHOLE THING WITH NICOLE AND THE TATTOO

THAT I PUNCHED A MAILBOX,

CAUSING ME PHYSICAL PAIN AND A POSSIBLE FEDERAL CRIME.

THAT'S THE BEST YOU COULD COME UP WITH?

WELL, I THINK IT SOUNDS BETTER

THAN I WAS SO UPSET, I WRAPPED MY HAND IN THIS BANDAGE.

LOOK, IF HE WAS STILL UPSET,

YOU WOULD'VE GOTTEN A CALL BY NOW.

IT'S NOT THE KIND OF THING YOU KEEP BOTTLED UP.

YOU.

SEE WHAT I MEAN?

IT WASN'T ME. OK, IT WAS ME,

BUT IT WASN'T MY FAULT. OK, IT WAS MY FAULT.

LOOK, I'M HURT.

TAKE THE BANDAGE OFF, BERG.

YOU SHOULD'VE TOLD ME.

I WAS AFRAID THAT YOU'D DISOWN ME.

I SHOULD'VE DISOWNED YOU WHEN YOU SET ME UP

WITH THAT PSYCHO FROM THE PERSONALS.

I SHOULD'VE DISOWNED YOU

WHEN YOU SUBMITTED ME FOR THAT TRANSVESTITE SEGMENT

ON SALLY JESSY.

THAT WOULD'VE BEEN A FREE TRIP TO NEW YORK.

I SHOULD'VE DISOWNED YOU, BUT... I DIDN'T.

IT'S THE PRICE I PAY FOR BEING YOUR FRIEND.

YOU GOTTA FORGIVE A LOT.

SO WHAT HAPPENED WITH NICOLE?

WELL, AFTER SHE PRIED ME OFF THE CEILING AND WE TALKED,

I REALIZED IT DIDN'T MATTER.

I MEAN, THIS GIRL HAD THE MOTHER OF ALL FLAWS,

AND I STILL WANTED TO BE WITH HER.

OH. WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT,

I... I REALLY BROUGHT YOU AND NICOLE A LITTLE CLOSER TOGETHER.

I'M NOT GONNA THANK YOU.

YOUR HAPPINESS IS THANKS ENOUGH.

I LOVE THAT YOU WERE THE LAST PERSON IN THIS ROOM

TO SEE YOUR GIRLFRIEND NAKED.

BACK OFF, SISTER!

I CAN'T HELP IT.

WELL, TRY.

YOU ARM-WRESTLE LIKE A GIRL.

YOU SEE THAT?

THAT THE BEST YOU GOT?

COME ON.

COME ON.

SO, AHEM...

WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' LATER?