Original subtitles

Craig, honey, it's time for bed.

Craig, honey, time to get up.

Craig, honey, time to get up.

Craig, honey, time to get up. Craig, honey, time to get up.

- Lotte. - I'm sorry.

I didn't know Orrin Hatch was out of his cage. Come on.

- Morning, sweetheart. - Morning.

What are you gonna do today, honey?

- Working in the workshop. - You know, I was thinking...

Maybe you'd feel better if you got a job or something.

Lotte, we've been over this.

Nobody's looking for a puppeteer in today's wintry economic climate.

I know, honey.

But I thought, you know...

maybe something else until this puppet thing turns around.

Derek Mantini doesn't need a day job.

Craig, not everybody can be Derek Mantini.

I gotta get to the shop.

We have a shipment of kitty litter coming in today.

Honey, will you do me a favour? Will you just take a look at Elijah today?

He's not feeling very good again.

Which one is Elijah again?

- The chimp, honey. - Yeah, OK.

'And on the lighter side of the news, in Westchester County today

'puppeteer Derek Mantini thrilled onlookers as he performed "The Belle of Amherst"

'with a 60-foot Emily Dickinson puppet.'

'How dreary to be somebody.

'How public, like a frog, to tell one's name the livelong June.'

Gimmicky bastard.

You don't know how lucky you are, being a monkey.

Because consciousness...

is a terrible curse.

I think, if eel... I suffer.

And all I ask in return is the opportunity to do my work.

And they won't allow it...

because I raise issues.

'While we enjoy the pleasures of an uneasy love

'and abandon ourselves to fornication,

'we were spared God's severity.'

'Say no more, I beg you, and cease from complaints like these

'which are so far removed from the true depths of love.'

Look, a puppet show!

OK, honey, just for a minute. Mommy's waiting.

'Even during the celebration of Mass,

'when our prayers should be pure,

'lewd visions of these pleasures take such a hold upon my unhappy soul

'that my thoughts are on their very wantonness

'instead of my prayers.'

'Sometimes my thoughts are betrayed by the movement of my body.'

'I took my fill of my wretched pleasures in you,

'and this was the sum total of my love.'

You motherfucker!

Uh, Craig!

Honey, not again!

Why do you do this to yourself, honey?

I'm a puppeteer.

Seven and a half, right?

- Uh, yeah. - I'll take you through it.

Seven and a half.

Thank you.

Welcome to Lestercorp. How may we meet your filing needs?

No, no. Um...

My name's Craig Schwartz and I have an interview with Dr Lester.

- Oh. Please have a seat, Mr Juarez. - Schwartz.

- Pardon? - Schwartz.

I'm... I'm sorry. I have no idea what you're saying to me right now.

- My name is Schwartz. - My name is Warts?

Mr Juarez?

- Oh. Yes? - "Chest"?

- I said, "Yes?" - You suggest what?

I'm sorry, I have no time for piddling suggestions from mumbling job applicants.

Besides, Dr Lester will see you now.

Oh, come in, Mr Juarez.

Actually, my name is Craig Schwartz, Dr Lester.

- Security! - No, sir, it's...

It's just a little mix-up with your secretary.

My name is Craig Schwartz. I tried to explain that to her.

She's not my secretary.

- She's what they call an executive liaison. - Ah.

And I'm not banging her, if that's what you're implying.

No, sir, not at all. I think I must have simply misspoke.

Ah. Well, now...

Tell me, Dr Schwartz, what do you feel you can bring to Lestercorp?

Uh, well, sir, I'm an excellent filer.

Are you? All right.

Let's see about that.

Tell me, which of these two letters comes first?

This one or this one?

The symbol on the left is not a letter, sir.

Damn, you're good.

- I was trying to trick you. - I see.

Well, then, put these in order.

Yes, sir.

Floris, get Guinness on the phone.

'Yes, sir. Genghis Khan Capone. Fine.'

Damn fine woman, Floris,

I don't know how she puts up with this speech impediment of mine.

You don't have a speech impediment, Dr Lester.

Flattery will get you everywhere, my boy.

I'm afraid I have to trust Floris on that one.

You see, she's got her doctorate

in speech impedimentology from Case Western.

I apologise if you can't understand a word I'm saying.

No, I understand perfectly.

Well, it's very kind of you to lie.

You see, I've been very lonely

in my isolated tower of indecipherable speech.

You got the job.

- Any questions? - Well, just one.

Why are these ceilings so low?

Low overhead, my boy! We pass the savings on to you.

But seriously, that'|| all be covered in orientation.

'Welcome to the seven and a half floor of the Mertin Flemmer Building.

'As you'll now be spending your work day here,

'it is important that you learn a bit about the history of this famous floor.'

- 'Hello, Don.' - 'Hello, Wendy.'

'Don, I was wondering,

'do you know why our workplace has such low ceilings?

'It's an interesting story, Wendy.

'Many years ago, in the late 1800s,

'James Mertin, an Irish ship captain, came to this town

'and decided to erect an office building.

'He called this building the Mertin Flemmer Building

'after himself and someone else who local legend has it was named Flemmer.

'Well, one day, old Captain Mertin received an unexpected visitor.'

- 'Captain Mertin?' - 'Aye, what want ye, girl child?'

'I'm not a child, but rather an adult lady of miniature proportions.'

'I see.

'Well, if it's charity you're after, be gone with ye, you foul demon!'

'I'm not asking for alms, Captain,

'but, rather, the ear of a kind man with a noble heart.'

'Well, speak then, if you must.'

'Captain Mertin, I'm afraid that the world was not built with me in mind.

'Doorknobs are too high, chairs are unwieldy,

'and high-ceilinged rooms mock my stature.

'Why cannot there be a place for me to work that's safe and comfortable?'

'Thy story has moved me like no other.

'Therefore, I shall make ye... me wife.

'And... And I shall build a floor for ye

'between the seventh and the eighth in me own building

'so at least there'|| be one place on God's green earth

'where ye and your accursed kind can live in peace.'

'So that's the story of seven and a half.

'Since the rents are considerably lower, this floor has been adopted by businesses

'which, for one reason or another, have been forced to cut corners.

'After all, the overhead is low.'

Moving story, huh?

Unfortunately, the story's bullshit.

Listen, I'm Craig Schwartz. I'm just starting out at Lestercorp.

Where are you starting out?

Shut up! Shut up!

Shut up! Shut up!

- Hey, shut up! - ' Shut up!

- I'm sorry, honey. I'm sorry. - I'm sorry.

Sorry, honey.

Sorry, honey.

- N ' Shut up! - Sorry!

- Help! She's locking me in a cage. - Isn't that cute?

- I just taught him that today. - Yeah, that's adorable.

- You want to do some dishes for me? - Put that down.

Here, Elijah. Here you go.

You know, I have an appointment tomorrow morning with Elijah's shrink.

- Uh-huh. - Yeah.

I think we're finally getting down to the bottom of this acid stomach, aren't we?

Come here.

Just get down from the...

She thinks that it's some sort of childhood trauma.

Feelings of inadequacy as a chimp, you know?

Careful.

- Isn't that interesting? - Mm-hmm.

I find it really interesting.

So, honey, have you thought any more about us having a baby?

Uh...

You know, I think it's just so tough right now economically and all...

Mm-hmm.

That I think maybe we should just wait and see if this job thing pays off.

- You know? - OK.

I was thinking about what you were saying the other day

- about the orientation film being bullshit. - Yes?

I think maybe you're on to something.

And 50 other lines to get into a girl's pants.

No, no!

No, no, no, twas just talking about the... you know, about the film.

Here's the thing.

If you ever got me...

you wouldn't have a clue what to do with me.

I wasn't... I was talking about the film.

Ooh, what magic those fingers could work on the right cabinet. Mm!

Maybe you could alphabetise me.

And don't forget...

"|" comes before.

Floris, I think you're very nice...

but the truth is that... I'm in love with someone else.

I'm afraid I have no idea what you're saying to me.

- You bastard. - What?

- Don't toy with Floris, Schwartz. - Oh, no...

If I was 80 years younger, I'd box your ears.

I wasn't toying with her, sir. I wouldn't...

- Pardon me. How old are you, sir? - 105.

Carrot juice, and lots of it.

I swear, sometimes it's not worth it. I piss orange.

And I have to piss sitting down, like a goddamn girly-girl, every 15 minutes.

- Mm. - But nobody wants to die.

Ah, to be a young man again, eh, Schwartz?

Maybe then Floris would care for me.

But the elderly have so much to offer, sir. They're our link with history.

I don't wanna be your goddamn link, damn ya.

I want to feel Floris's naked thighs next to mine.

I want my body to inspire lust

in that beautiful, complex woman.

I want her to shiver with a spasm of ecstasy, Schwartz,

as I penetrate her wet...

Dr Lester, while I'm flattered you would share your feelings with me,

perhaps the workplace is not the most suitable environment

for this type of discussion.

All right. You're right, you're right. I'll tell you what.

Meet me after work today at Jerry's Juiceteria on Lex,

and I'll spill my goddamn guts for ya.

No. No, |won't be late, Lotte. I just have to, you know,

listen to Lester's sexual fantasies and drink carrot juice for a while.

You know, it's a job thing, really.

Yeah. So, I'll talk to you later, OK? Yeah. You too.

Gotta go back to work. OK, bye.

Hi. Do you know that I don't even know your name or where you work?

Yeah.

Um... OK, how about this?

If I can guess your name in three tries,

you have to come have a drink with me tonight.

Why not?

OK.

You look like a...

Bar...

Ru...

Bell... Lu...

L... Carol...

Ta“.Shan“.

Susann...

Emm... ily...

Mar... lar...

Maax... ine... M-M... Maxine?

Yeah! Who told you?

Nobody told me. That just came out.

Don't you think... Isn't that odd?

So where do you live and stuff?

I am dubious...

but I don't welsh.

OK, meet me at The Stuck Pig, seven o'clock.

If you're late, I walk.

Nubile. Blonde.

Wet with desire. Me in leather.

A harness, if you like.

And all eyes, Craig, are upon me as I speak.

"Ladies," I begin.

"| am the love god Eros." They like that.

"| intoxicate you."

"My spunk is, to you, manna from heaven."

Dr Lester, this is all really fascinating and stuff,

but I gotta... get back home to my wife.

Ah, you have a wife? I'd like to meet her, Craig.

- Yes, sir. - Shall we say dinner Thursday?

You can come, too, if you like.

Get that? That was a joke. You hear what I said? You can come, too.

That was a good one.

- All right. Thank you. - Yeah.

Maxine. Maxine.

- Made it. Made it, Maxine. - Just.

Buy you a drink, Maxine? Maxine?

Are you married?

- Yeah. But enough about me. - Yeah.

- What'|| you have? - I'll have more of the same, please, Barry.

And I'll have, uh, a light beer or something.

Hey!

So, uh...

I don't know... I, uh... I like you.

- I don't know what it is about you. I just... - My tits?

- No! No, no, no. - No?

No, it's your energy, your attitude, the way you carry yourself.

You're not a fag, are you?

No. I am really attracted to you.

"| am really attracted to you." Christ, you are a fag.

OK, well, we can share recipes if you like, Darlene.

- No, wait! I love your tits. I love 'em. - Good!

- I wanna fuck 'em. - Great! Now we're getting somewhere.

Not a chance.

So tell me about yourself, huh?

If you can get your mind out of the gutter long enough, dog boy.

Well, I'm a puppeteer.

- I... I've been... - Check.

- H6Y- - H6Y-

I'm sorry I'm so late. I just...

Lester just wouldn't... let me get away.

Hi, Elijah. We're supposed to have dinner with him on Thursday,

but I can get us out of it, if you want.

It's amazing. He's, like, this insane old lech, and it's, um...

It's kind of amusing once you get past how disgusting it actually is.

- Did you eat? - No. No, no, I'm not hungry.

I'm sorry I didn't call. It was just hard to get away, you know?

- Yeah, I was worried. - I'm sorry.

You know...

You wanted me to work.

- How was your evening? - Well...

Tom-Tom's puncture wound is infected.

The ferret?

- The iguana. - Right, right, right.

So I just dressed the wound and I've just been feeding everyone

and putting everybody to bed.

- You want a beer? - No. I think I'm gonna go to bed.

Elijah's gonna sleep with us tonight.

- I don't think he's feeling very well. - OK.

Hmm.

Well, you know what? I'm...

I'm gonna go in my workshop for a little while, you know?

- But I'll be in in a little while. - OK.

Tell me, Craig, why do you love puppeteering?

Well, Maxine, I'm not sure exactly.

Perhaps it's the idea of becoming someone else for a little while.

Being inside another skin,

thinking differently, moving differently,

feeling differently.

Interesting, Craig.

Would you like to be inside my skin,

think what I think, feel what I feel?

More than anything, Maxine.

It's good in here, Craig.

It's better than your wildest dreams.

You're not somebody I could get interested in, Craig.

You play with dolls.

Puppets, Maxine.

You see, it's the idea of being inside someone else's skin

and seeing what they see and feeling what they feel.

Yikes!

It's just that, well, please let me explain.

I've never done this before, but...

I feel something for you, Maxine, and I've never felt this way before.

You know, about anybody, not even my wife.

And I just... I really feel that you and I belong together, Maxine.

Aw...

Shit.

Hmm.

All right, see you later. Hello. Mailroom.

Yeah. Yeah. What's the file number?

Yep.

Oh! Oh...!

Oh, you know what? The puppeteer told me he loved me today.

I know, I can't think of anything more pathetic.

I'm sorry.

Good afternoon, sir.

The Broadhurst Theatre, please.

Hey, say, uh... ain't you that actor guy?

Yes.

John, uh... What is, uh... John, um, uh...

Uh, don't tell me. Maplethorpe?

- Malkovich. - Malkovich. Right, right. OK.

OK, yeah. I thought you were all right in that one movie.

Thank you.

The one where you played a jewel thief.

- I never played a jewel thief. - No?

- Who am I thinking of? - I don't know.

Just, uh...

No, no, I'm pretty sure it was you.

The, uh... cos, uh...

Yeah. Absolutely, doll.

Yeah, I'm just about to close up.

Wanna meet at the Pig in twenty minutes?

Cool. Bye.

Hey, I'm splitting for the day, puppet man. Lock up for me, OK?

Don't you wanna know what happened to me?

- No. - Please, this is important.

Better be.

It is.

There's a tiny door in my office, Maxine.

It's a portal, and it takes you inside John Malkovich.

You see the world through John Malkovich's eyes,

and then after about 15 minutes, you're spit out

into a ditch on the side of the New Jersey Turnpike.

Sounds great! Who the fuck is John Malkovich?

Oh, he's an actor. He's one of the great American actors of the 20th century.

Oh, yeah? What's he been in?

Lots of things. That jewel thief movie, for example.

He's very well respected. Anyway, the point is...

This is a very odd thing.

It's supernatural, for lack of a better word.

I mean, it raises all sorts of philosophical-type questions, you know,

about the nature of self, about the existence of a soul.

You know, am I me? Is Malkovich Malkovich?

I had a piece of wood in my hand, Maxine.

I don't have it anymore.

Where is it?

Did it disappear? How could that be?

Is it still in Malkovich's head?

I don't know!

Do you see what a metaphysical can of worms this portal is?

I don't see how I could go on living my life the way I've lived it before.

Yeah?

'So I've been thinking, is this Malkovich fellow appealing?'

Maxine! Yes, of course, Maxine. He's a celebrity.

'Good. We'll sell tickets.'

- Tickets to Malkovich? - 'Exactly.

'Two hundred dollars a pop.'

But, Maxine, there's something, I don't know, like profound here.

I don't know if maybe we should exploit it. You think?

'I need you for this, Craigy. You're my man on the inside.'

You need me?

I'm your man?

'Sure, whatever.'

Hey, everybody, I'm home.

Treats for everyone.

- Look, Maxine? - 'Yeah?'

We don't know the significance of this thing.

It might be dangerous to toy with?

'Well, I'll protect you, doll face.

Who was that?

So I'm going to be working a lot of late nights because, you know, with this partner...

because Lestercorp's open during the clay, so I'll be working a lot of late nights.

But it's a good thing, cos it's gonna get us out of the hole financially,

cos we're gonna turn it into a business.

Yeah, but Craig, I don't understand. There's not...

There's no such thing as a hole, or a portal, into somebody's brain.

Yes, there is. A brain, or soul or whatever.

I was inside John Malkovich looking out.

- Really? - Yep.

- I wanna try it then. - Pardon me?

I want to be John Malkovich, tomorrow.

That'd be perfect, cos then I can meet your partner.

The thing is, as I said before, Lestercorp's open during the day,

so we can't go during the day.

But if you want to, we can do it right now.

- Now? - Tonight.

- Right now? - Yeah, right now, on the way to Lester's.

I'll meet you on the side of the road by the New Jersey Turnpike.

I'm scared.

You don't have to do this, you know?

No.

No, I... I wanna go.

- You sure? - Yeah.

OK.

It's wet.

Weird.

That's nice. Oh!

Oh!

Oh, mm!

Oh! Mm.

God. I feel sexy.

Lotte, are you all right?

Craig! Craig, I gotta go back!

- No! - Maybe tomorrow.

- No, no, no...! I gotta go back now! - We'll talk about it later.

WOW!

Being inside did something to me.

I knew who I was.

It's like everything made sense, you know? I... I knew who I was.

But you weren't you. You were John Malkovich.

God, I was. I was, wasn't I?

I was...

I was John Malkovich.

I was... I was John fucking Malkovich!

- Take me back, Craig. - We're late for Lester.

So tell me, Lotte, can you understand a word I'm saying?

Oh, yes, Dr Lester. Absolutely.

You were just explaining the nutritional value

of ingesting minerals through a colloidal form which I personally couldn't agree more with.

Oh! Be still, my heart.

Dr Lester, would you mind just pointing me in the direction of the restroom?

With the greatest pleasure, my dear.

You go up the grand escalier,

and once atop the stairs you'll want to enter the fifth door on my left.

- Watch the step down. It's sunken. - OK. Thank you.

"Malkovich Physical Development."

What do you think Lester's relationship with John Malkovich is?

That portal's been boarded up forever.

I bet Lester's not even aware of it... him... the portal. Why?

No reason. I was just thinking.

Do you think that it's kind of weird that John Malkovich has a portal?

I mean, do you think that it might have some sort of significance, for example?

I don't know. Why do you think that?

I don't even care.

I think it's kind of sexy that John Malkovich has a portal you know?

Sort of like... it's like he's a vagina.

It's sort of vaginal, like he has a...

he has a penis and a vagina.

It's sort of, like...

Malkovich's feminine side.

I like that.

"Visit J.M. Inc. Mertin Flemmer Building."

"Nightly from 9:00pm to 4:00am."

Sounds good. Oblique but intriguing. Phone it in.

- Want me to phone it in? - No.

- Lotte! - Hi.

- I heard your voice. - What are you doing here?

Is this your partner? She's pretty.

I had to do the Malkovich ride again, you know? Is this her?

- Hi. You're Craig's wife? - Yeah. Hi.

Lotte, Maxine. Maxine, Lotte.

- So, have you done Malkovich yet? - Uh, hi. Yeah, I want to place an ad.

OK. "Ever want to be someone else?"

No, that's the ad, but we can talk about you in a minute.

Um, "Ever want to be someone else?"

"Now you can. Visit J.M. Inc."

"Inc. Mertin."

"M-E-R-T-I-N. Flemmer."

You should really be at work.

I've been going over and over my experience last night, Craig.

It was amazing.

I've decided...

that I'm a transsexual.

- I know it's the craziest thing, Craig! - What, are you fucking nuts?

No. It's just that for the first time, everything just felt right.

I've got to make sure.

But if the feeling is still there...

I'm going to talk to Dr Feldman about sexual reassignment surgery.

This is absurd!

Besides, Feldman is an allergist. If you're going to do something, do it right.

We've talked about this a million times, all right?

You get these half-assed ideas, and then you do a half-assed job.

Just drop it.

It's just that I really, you know... I like Dr Feldman. All right?

So I thought that I would ask him his opinion.

Is there something so terrible about that?

- Why do you always yell at me like this? - Sweetie, I'm sorry.

It's just a phase. It's the thrill of seeing through somebody else's eyes.

OK? It'll pass.

Don't stand in the way of my actualisation as a man.

Let her go, Craig.

- OK. - I mean him.

Right now?

Uh-huh.

It's the middle of the day. How am I going to get her past Lester?

- Yawn. Figure it out. - OK.

Let's go. Come on.

- Bye. - Bye.

Davey, it's Max.

Listen, can you get me John Malkovich's home phone?

"But what I had been through.

"| am hungry as the winter."

"| am sick, anxious, poor as a beggar."

"Fate has tossed me hither and thither."

"| have been everywhere. Everywhere."

- So strong. - "But wherever I have been..."

- "Every minute, day and night..." - I want that voice.

"My soul has been full of mysterious anticipations."

My soul has been full

- of mysterious anticipation. - "| feel the approach of happiness."

"Anya, I see it coming."

- Yeah? - 'Mr John Malkovich?'

- Yeah. Who's calling? - 'Oh, my goodness!

'You don't know me, but I know you.

'I'm a great admirer of yours.'

How did you get this number?

'Er, well... it's just that I...

'I... I dream about you, and, erm...

'Well, even speaking to you now has gotten me sort of excited, you know?'

Wow, the way this woman's talking to him.

Listen, I really don't find this amusing.

- Don't call here anymore, OK? - 'Well!

'My nipples are at attention, General Malkovich, sir.'

What, her nipples?

'So, listen, why don't we have dinner tonight?

'Bernardo's? Eight o'clock?

'I really want to see you. I just loved you in that jewel thief movie.'

You're not gonna meet her there?

Come on!

Meet her. Meet her there. Meet her there.

- Meet her there! - "...as the winter."

"| am sick, anxious, poor as a beggar."

- Meet her there...! - "Fate has tossed me hither and thither."

"| have been everywhere. Everywhere."

"But wherever I have been, every minute, day and night..."

- Meet her there. Meet her there. - "...my soul has been full

- "of mysterious anticipations." - Yes!

How was it?

I have to go back at eight o'clock exactly, tonight.

- Why? - Don't crowd me, Craig.

- Excuse me. Are you John Malkovich? - Yes, I am.

Wow. You really are great in that movie where you play that retard.

Oh, thank you very much.

- I have a cousin who's a retard. - Oh. Thank you.

Yeah, so, erm... as you might imagine, it means a lot to me

to see retards portrayed on the silver screen so compassionately.

Well, thank you very much. I appreciate it.

Good night.

- Maxine? It's Maxine. - Hi.

I'm so glad you decided to come. I'm Maxine.

I'm John. How do you do?

Good.

I wasn't sure I was going to come, but I felt, uh, oddly compelled.

You're so beautiful.

The way you're looking at me... I mean, at him... at us.

I've never been looked at like this by a woman before.

I think I'm sweating.

I must say, I was rather intrigued by your voice.

And the funny thing is, Mr Malkovich,

my voice is probably the least intriguing thing about me.

So, I mean... So, how was it? What was he doing?

He wasn't doing anything, really. He was just hanging around his apartment.

You know, I think he's probably just a really... uh, lonely guy.

You see, men can feel unfulfilled, too, Lotte. I'm glad you're finally coming to realise that.

You shouldn't be so quick to assume that switching bodies

is gonna be the answer to your problems.

OK?

You're right, Craig. You're right.

You know what I was thinking? I was thinking that maybe we could, um...

We should invite Maxine over for dinner one night

because you guys are partners and I thought that might be a really nice gesture.

I think she'd really like that, you know?

- Maxine? - What?

The thing is, there's been some tension between us at work,

you know, business stuff, and I would hate to expose you to that.

It'll be OK. Look, I'll...

I'll cook my lasagne, we'll smoke a joint, and...

tensions will just melt away.

Now, when you say that I can be somebody else, what do you mean exactly?

Well, we mean exactly that.

We can put you inside someone else's body for 15 minutes.

Can I be anybody that I wanna be?

Well... you...

- Actually... - You can be John Malkovich.

That's perfect!

It's my second choice, but it's wonderful.

It's...

I'm a fat man. I am sad and I'm fat...

Two hundred dollars?

Oh. Oh, uh, yes.

OK.

You gotta crawl in there.

Oh, my God.

Oh.

No, that's what I'm saying. See, I don't really need an extra bath mat.

So if I get the set, could I...

Would it be possible if I could just get maybe three extra hand towels...

uh, if I get the set, instead of the bathmat?

'Yes, sir. Sure, we can do that.

Great. Great, that sounds good.

And for the colour, periwinkle?

'Oh, I'm sorry. We're out of stock in periwinkle.

'Do you want to back order?'

No. I'll, uh... go with the loden.

- 'Would you like to order anything else?' - No, just...

What is the difference between the foot-pampering looped cotton rug

and a bath mat?

You're my friends. Thank you.

Did you know that Eskimos have not one

but...

49 words for snow?

Mm. It's because they have so much of it.

So much snow.

After dinner, I'll show you my puppets.

Ah.

After dinner, I'll introduce you to my chimp Elijah.

He has an ulcer right now due to suppressed childhood trauma,

but we're working through it.

Psychotherapy.

Oh.

- This the bedroom? - Yeah.

The thing is, the way that I see it, you know,

is, I think the world is divided

into those who go after what they want and then those who don't, right?

- Right. - The passionate ones,

the ones who go after what they want,

well, they may not get what they want.

But... But...

at least they remain vital, you know?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

So when they lie on their death beds, they have, um... few regrets.

Right?

And the ones who don't go after what they want,

well, who gives a shit about them anyway?

God!

Lotte! Craig!

I just... I don't find you attractive, hm?

And, Lotte... I'm smitten with you.

I am, but only when you're in Malkovich.

When I looked into his eyes last night, I could feel you peering out.

- Really? - Yeah.

Behind the stubble and the too prominent brow and the male-pattern baldness

I sensed your feminine longing.

And it just slew me.

Oh, my God!

Oh!

Only as John, sweetie.

Sorry.

Hey, thanks for a wonderful dinner.

No hard feelings, partner?

J.M. Inc.

'Hi. It's Lotte.

'I'd like very much to see you again.

'Can you call him and invite yourself over?'

Um... when?

'Mm... tonight.

'After you close?'

OK, uh... 4111.

4211?

- 'Thank you, Maxine.' - You're welcome.

Thanks so much for having me over, sugarplum.

I'm glad you called.

Shall we to the boudoir?

A couple of minutes. I'm early.

So do... do you enjoy being an actor?

Sure. Yeah. It's... It's very rewarding.

Hi.

Hi.

Oh.

Oh, boy!

Yeah!

Oh, my sweet Maxine.

- My darling. - I love you, Lotte.

Did you call me Lotte?

Do you mind?

- No, not really. - Mm.

- Oh! - Oh, God.

My sweet... beautiful Lotte.

Oh, Maxine!

Yes, Maxine. Yes.

Maxine, this is... this is so right.

Oh! Oh, God.

Yes!

Wow!

Yes!

- You were him, weren't you? - Yeah.

And he was with her!

- We love her, Craig. - "We"?

- John and me. - Don't forget about me!

Well, you have the Maxine action figure to play with!

I'm sorry. That was nasty.

You are late, my little cowboy.

Are you torturing me on purpose?

I've fallen in love.

I don't think so.

You know why? Because I've fallen in love!

And this is what people who have fallen in love look like.

Well, you picked the unrequited variety.

It's very bad for the skin.

You're evil, Maxine.

Do you have any idea what it's like to have two people look at you

with total lust and devotion

through the same pair of eyes?

WOW!

No, I don't suppose you would.

It's quite a thrill, Craigy.

What are you doing?

- Oh, my God! Is that real? What is that? - Yes!

And I don't know how to use it very well, so don't make any sudden moves!

I'm serious! I'm serious!

Suck my dick!

Shut up, OK? Just shut up.

- Craig! - Tell her you need to see her.

'J.M. Inc. Be all that someone else can be.'

I need to see you.

'Sweetie!

'Oh, I had so much fun with you last night.

'Shoot But it's business hours.'

Tell her what the hell, close early, live dangerously.

Say it.

What the hell, you know?

Live dangerously. Close early.

'Ooh, doll.

'I love this new devil-may-care side of you. Huh!

'All righty. I'll track down loverboy and see both of you in one hour.

'Exactamundo.'

Craig!

What's the matter with you? Stop it!

Sit up, OK? Just sit up. Just sit up.

Help! He's locking me in a cage!

Shut the fuck up!

Shut up!

Was ever woman in this humour wooed?

Was ever woman in this humour won?

Tommy, can I take 15?

Goodnight, everybody. See you back here at 9:00pm tomorrow.

Hello.

"Ch!"

Oh, Lotte. Lotte, this is so good!

My God! This is amazing.

- Lotte! - I want to touch her breast.

Touch her breast.

- Move right hand across left breast now. - Lotte!

Move right hand across left breast now!

Move right hand across left breast now.

- Holy shit, yes! - Holy shit, yes!

- Holy shit, he said what I said! - Shit, he said what I said!

- Lotte? Is that you? - Yes, yes, sweetheart, yes.

Yes, sweetheart, yes.

What the fuck is going on? That's not me! I didn't say that.

- Oh, Lotte. - Oh, Maxine. Oh...

Something was making me talk.

Some goddamn thing was making me move.

- I've gotta get out of here. - Oh, doll face!

It was just, uh, your passion for me taking hold.

No, doll face. I know what my passion taking hold feels like.

Bye!

I did it!

I made him move his arms across your girlfriend's glorious tit!

Oh, and...

I made him talk, sort of.

It's just a matter of practice

before Malkovich is nothing more than another puppet

hanging next to my work table.

I'll tell you about it when I get home, OK? All right?

Craig! Craig!

I wanna...

No, man, I'm sorry to...

I'm sorry to have called you like that, but I was just really, really scared.

I was so freaked out. I mean, it was like...

somebody was just moving all the way through me,

moving my arms, moving my hands, talking for me.

I mean, I literally... I feel like I'm going crazy, Charlie.

- I'm sure you're not going crazy. - You don't understand, man.

- It was like nothing I've ever felt before. - Yeah, yada, yada, yada. Were you stoned?

Yes. Yes, I was...

Jesus!

Yes! Yes, I was stoned.

But what... That doesn't have anything to do with it.

Charlie, someone was talking through my mouth.

You were stoned. Case closed. End of story.

- How hot is this babe? - You know what?

Maybe it was this Lotte woman talking

because it could have been her talking through me.

Because this...

The weird thing is this Maxine likes to call me Lotte.

Ouch. That is hot.

Maybe she's using you to channel some dead, lesbian lover.

Sounds like my kind of gal. Let me know when you're done with her, yeah?

What are you talking about, "done with her", man?

Tonight really freaked me out.

You're nuts to let a girl go that calls you Lotte.

I'll tell you that as a friend.

Charlie, I don't know anything about the girl, man.

She could be, like, a fucking witch or something.

That's even better!

Hot, lesbian witches. Think about it. It's fucking genius.

I gotta know the truth, Charlie.

The truth is for suckers, Johnny boy.

Thanks.

This way.

Excuse me, sir. Exactly what, uh, type of service does this company provide?

You get to be John Malkovich for 15 minutes.

Two hundred clams.

I see.

- No cutting, by the way. No cutting! - Hey, what the hell?

Ah! OW!

Come on! Break it up! Break it up! Cut it out!

- Everybody gets... - It's him. It's John Malkovich.

I'm sorry, Mr Malkovich. I hope we didn't hurt you too terribly.

Get inside!

- Darling! - What the fuck is going on?

- Uh, uh, John Malkovich. John. - Huh?

Mr Malkovich, sir. Uh, um...

- Mr Malkovich, I think I can explain. - Yeah, explain.

My name is Craig Schwartz,

and we operate a little business here

that simulates, for our clientele, well, the...

the experience of...

of... of being you, actually.

- Simulates? - Yeah, after a fashion.

- What exactly does that mean? - Well, it's hard to describe.

I want to do it then.

I'm sure that would pale in comparison to the actual experience.

- I want to do it! - Right now Mr Hiroshi's in the tube...

Let him do it, Craig.

Of course. Right this way, Mr Malkovich, compliments of the house.

Jesus.

What happens when a man goes through his own portal?

We'll see.

Malkovich.

Malkovich, Malkovich.

Malkovich, Malkovich.

Malkovich, Malkovich, Malkovich?

- Malkovich, Malkovich. - Malkovich?

- Malkovich! - Malkovich.

Malkovich.

Malkovich. Malkovich.

Malkovich! Malkovich!

Malkovich?

♪ Malkovich, Malkovich... ♪

Malkovich. Malkovich?

- Malkovich, Malkovich. - Malkovich!

♪ Malkovich, Malkovich... ♪

- How was it? - It was amazing this time.

- That was no simulation! - I know. I'm sorry.

It's such an honour.

I have been to the dark side. I have seen a world that no man should see!

Really? For most people, it's a rather pleasant experience.

That portal is mine, and it must be sealed forever

for the love of God.

But, Mr Malkovich, sir, with all due respect,

I discovered that portal. I mean, it's my livelihood. Do you understand?

It's my head, Schwartz!

It's my head!

I will see you in court!

What makes you think I won't be seeing what you're seeing in court?

Hey, Malkovich, think fast!

Fuck!

Dinner.

You know, Craig, once this was a relationship...

built on love.

Well, you gave up that claim

after the first time you stuck your dick in Maxine, Lotte.

You fell in love with her first, Craig.

Yeah, but I didn't do anything about it, out of respect for our marriage.

You didn't do anything about it, Craig,

out of respect for the fact that she wouldn't let you near her with a ten-foot pole!

That's true.

God, Lotte, what have I become?

My wife in a cage with a monkey.

Craig.

I need to go to the bathroom and take a shower.

What am I, some kind of monster?

I don't want to be a monster, Lotte. I don't want to.

Craig, you're not a monster. No.

I know you're not a monster, honey.

You're just... You're just...

a very, very confused man.

I love you so much.

I love you.

Come on, Craig.

- J.M. Inc. - 'Maxine?'

Lotte.

I've been thinking about us, you know? And, uh...

'We have to meet.'

Um, OK. I'll see you in Malkovich in one hour.

Craig!

I hate you.

Oh, Elijah!

You really are magnificent.

- J.M. Inc. - 'Maxine!'

Honey pie! I was just heading out the door to meet you.

No, listen, Maxine. It hasn't been me in Malkovich the last time.

It's been that son of a bitch Craig.

He's had me locked in the cage with my chimp, holding a gun to my head.

- 'Oh, my God!' - He made me call you.

'I'm sorry, Maxine. It's been him the whole time.'

I'm so sorry. That's horrible.

I miss you so much, Maxine.

So... But...

- OK, that was Craig inside of Malkovich? - 'Yes, it was him.'

It's because he's a puppeteer, I think.

Well, boy, I'm... Uh...

I'm surprised. That's pretty impressive.

- What? - 'So if Craig can control Malkovich

- 'and I can control Craig...' - But, Maxine...

I thought it was me that you loved!

I do.

It's confusing, you know? This is a very confusing situation.

'I know.'

Listen, I should really get going, OK?

- Cos I'm gonna be late for Malkovich now. - 'No.'

- What? - 'We'll talk about this later, Lotte.'

- 'Maxine! Wait! Maxine!' - OK?

What the fuck do you want?

I can explain about the portal, darling.

Listen, don't con me, Maxine.

I don't know who the hell you people are, but this insanity is now over.

Oh, shut up.

Craigy. Craig-

Schwartzy, are you in there?

How did you know it was me?

Lotte called me. She escaped your evil clutches.

Really? Well, I'm really sorry I did that, Maxine,

but I'm really in love with you, and I just didn't know how else to be with you.

Hmm.

So apparently you can control this Malkovich fellow now, huh?

Yes, I'm getting better all the time.

I'll say you are.

Hey, let's do it on his dining room table.

Then we'll make him eat an omelette off of it.

No!

Shut up, you overrated sack of shit!

Craigy.

Yes?

Hi, Dr Lester. It's Lotte Schwartz.

Craig's wife.

Oh! Yes.

Oh, my God. You'll catch your death out here.

Look at you. You're soaking wet. Please come in, come in.

Here you are, my dear.

Thank you.

Well! How's that?

Much better, thank you.

So, my dear,

what is it that brings you to my doorway on such an inhospitable evening?

Well, Dr Lester,

see, I, uh...

I have a very unhealthy obsession with John Malkovich.

I see.

You mean... the performer.

Yes.

And what prompted you to come to me with this issue?

Well, when I was here with my husband for dinner,

I came upon a room that seemed to be some sort of John Malkovich museum.

So I thought perhaps maybe you would...

have some appreciation for my state of mind.

You look so lovely, my dear,

standing here before the fire in my oversized man's robe.

Thank you, Dr Lester.

Tell me...

what is this strange power that Malkovich exudes?

You've gotta help me understand because all I think about is wanting to be him.

- Wanting to what? - Wanting to be him.

Wanting to be John Malkovich.

Oh, I see.

Well, perhaps you can.

But, Dr Lester...

I am not Dr Lester.

I am Captain Mertin.

I don't understand.

It was 90 years ago that I discovered a strange portal.

And... And I found that this portal led to a vessel body

and that I could live forever by leaping from vessel to vessel.

- So Dr Lester is such a vessel? - Yes, he is.

You still there, sweets?

Hmm.

I figured out how to hang on as long as I want.

It's all a matter of making friends with the Malkovich body.

Rather than thinking of it as an enemy that has to be pounded into submission,

I've begun imagining it as a really expensive suit

that I enjoy wearing.

Ah, this illustrates

how I will move into my next vessel, Malkovich,

on his 44th birthday.

That's when he becomes ripe.

But I must enter by midnight on that day.

After that, I'd get diverted into the next newly forming infant vessel.

I don't want that to happen.

I'd be absorbed.

Absorbed? What does that mean?

Oh, well, uh, trapped, held prisoner, if you like, in the host's brain,

unable to control anything,

forever doomed to watch the world through someone else's eyes.

Now I'd like you to meet some friends.

See, I got lonely in Lester by myself,

so I figured out a way this time to take others along with me.

Come.

Everyone, this is Lotte.

- Hi, Lotte! - Hi!

She's a new friend of mine.

Do a puppet show for me, Craig, honey.

You mean, with Malkovich?

- I'd love to see your work. - Really?

- Uh-huh. - Yeah?

OK.

This is something that I call.

"Craig's Dance of Despair and Disillusionment".

That was incredible! You're... You're brilliant!

You see, Maxine, it isn't just playing with dolls.

Oh, my darling, it's so much more!

It's playing with people.

Stay in him forever.

My darling, how will we make a living

if our clientele doesn't have access to our product?

Well, we'll have all the money in Malkovich's bank account,

plus he does get acting work occasionally.

No, please!

- Shut up! We're trying to think here. - Gee!

It is... It is sort of like puppeteering.

- And I... I like that about it. - Exactly!

And no one would ever even have to know it's not him.

And I could use Malkovich's existing notoriety

to launch my own puppeteering career.

Oh, Craigy. Craigy, that's brilliant.

Oh. Oh.

So lovely. I've always wondered what it would be like to have a penis.

- Now I'll know. - Really? I know it's very...

Lotte? We like you.

We can see you're a kind and decent woman,

and so...

we've decided to offer you a place in John Malkovich with us, if you like.

Dr Lester,

you've been so kind to me and trusting.

And...

there's just something I think you should know about the Malkovich vessel.

'John's here to see you. Should I send him in?'

Of course send him right in.

Don't ever keep him waiting again, you understand?

Hey, John.

Great to see you. Sorry about the cunt at reception.

- This is my fiancee, Maxine. - Oh, great to see you, Maxine.

Sorry about the cunt at reception. Please, have a seat.

Mm. Can I get you anything? Coffee? Water?

No, thank you.

- Teresa, get me chicken soup. - 'OK.'

Chicken soup? Chicken soup?

Larry? Uh... I want to get right to the point.

From now on, I'm no longer an actor. I'm a puppeteer.

OK. Great.

And I would like to redirect my career

so that from now on the name John Malkovich

will be synonymous with puppets.

Sure. Sure. No problemo. Poof, you're a puppeteer.

Er... Just let me make a couple calls.

Honey? Maxine?

Maxine?

I'm busy.

Maxine, honey, it's on!

'Yeah, there's the truth, and there are lies,

'and, uh, art always tells the truth, even when it's lying.'

'The enigmatic John Malkovich,

'one of the world's greatest entertainers

'and the man who reinvented how we view puppeteering.

'Tonight we look at the man above the strings

'and the woman behind the man.

'Raised in Evanston, Illinois, Malkovich had a lifelong interest in theatre arts

'and as a young man was one of the founding members

'of Chicago's world-renowned Steppenwolf Theatre Company.

'From there, it was a simple hop, skip and a jump to Broadway accolades

'and Hollywood stardom.

'But nothing could prepare the public for what was to come next.

'And so it was that just eight short months ago,

'John Malkovich dropped the bombshell that sent shock waves

'through the entertainment community.

'Turning his back on his former profession, Malkovich had to start from scratch

'and pay his clues all over again as a fledgling puppeteer.'

'Er, hello, ladies and gentlemen, I'm John Malkovich.

'It's... It's the... I miss...

'I'm really John Malkovich.'

'From these inauspicious beginnings,

'John Malkovich's rise to stardom was fast and furious.

'His breakout performance occurred at this year's Emmy Awards...'

It's really good! I look really amazing.

I'd fuck me.

'If there's anything that upsets me about it,

'it's feeling like if I move into it too quickly,

'I'll be, you know, deemed an imitator.

'But, um, I think that once we all get the courage

to just follow through on our instincts, like Malkovich has,

'I think that, uh, a lot of us will move into puppetry.'

'Malkovich's rise to fame

'brought about a renaissance in the art of puppeteering.'

'No, no, no. What are you doing?

- 'What are you doing?' - 'I'm making him weep, John.'

'You're making him weep, but you yourself are not weeping.

'Don't ever... with your audience.

'Until the... the puppet becomes an extension of you,

'it's a novelty act. It's, uh... It's Topo Gigio.

'NQ'?

'He's a technical genius.

'He breathes life into inanimate objects.

'It's a very godlike thing

'to be able to take something and, you know, make it live.'

'He was the talk of the town

'from the Beltway to Broadway,

'aided in no small part by his new wife and manager, Maxine Lund.

'In Maxine, Malkovich had found his mentor,

'his muse, his inspiration.

'In Malkovich, Maxine had found the love of her life.'

There, there, my dear.

Relax.

This travesty will all be over with by morning.

'And the crowds have been absolutely sensational,

'and, um, I'd just like to thank God for giving us this opportunity

'to share our creative vision.'

'Nothing was impossible for John and Maxine in the early days.

'Their union was a joyous one, and together they worked tirelessly

'to further Malkovich's puppeteering career.'

'John Malkovich, the artist,

'and Maxine, the entrepreneur,

'they make this character,

'this protean figure that we call John Malkovich.'

'But some say Maxine has changed since becoming pregnant,

'recoiling from the limelight

'and, rumour has it, from her husband's affections.'

I'm so sorry.

'Malkovich shows us

'a reflection of ourselves, our frailties

'and our, you know, desperate humanity.

'That's what makes him one of the most relevant artists of our time.'

'And what does the future hold for John Horatio Malkovich?

'Well, to quote the Bard, "He's got the world on a string."'

'As the poet said, "The puppeteer's voice need not merely be the record of man."

"'It can be one of the pillars, the props to help him endure and prevail,"

'and I believe that.'

It's over!

|\/lax?

I've gotta head down to A.B.T. now.

I've got the "Swan Lake" benefit tonight, OK?

But when I come back, we can maybe celebrate Malkovich's big four-four.

OK?

Jesus! Why couldn't I have found the portal to a younger body?

What if I... What if I fall tonight and break my hip?

Like that, little girl?

Huh, lamb?

I love you.

Bravo!

Maxine?

Ma...

Hello? Hello?

- 'We have Maxine.' - Oh! My God.

Please, please, don't hurt her.

Listen, I'll... I'll give you anything you want. Please.

'No, you listen to me, asshole. I don't want your fucking money.

'What I want is for you to leave John Malkovich now!'

- Who... Who is this? Lester? - 'Does it matter?

'We're gonna kill Maxine if you don't leave the body immediately!'

But I... I can't do that.

I mean, if... if I leave Malkovich, then I'm... I'm Craig Schwartz again.

No career, no money. Maxine will have nothing to do.

She barely has anything to do with me now.

'Jesus, we're going to kill your wife, you fucking lunatic!'

God.

'Listen, Schwartz, Malkovich is our vessel. We're old.

'We're going to die if we don't get into him by midni...'

He called our bluff.

Shit!

Can't we just go inside the portal and push Craig out?

No, he's much too powerful.

Schwartz would just jam us down into Malkovich's subconscious.

Lotte.

If I can't have you, no one will.

Lotte, no!

No, Lotte! God, no, we can't really kill her!

She's carrying Malkovich's seed! Our next vessel!

Hey! Help me!

HGip me!

- Where the fuck am I? - We're in Malkovich's subconscious.

The last thing you'll ever see, Maxine.

Fag-o-vich!

Johnny, baby, Johnny.

Bad. I am bad. I am bad.

I am bad. I am bad. I am bad. I am bad.

I am bad. I am bad. I am bad.

I am bad. I am bad.

I am bad. I am bad...

Maxine, I am gonna kill you!

You're creepy.

J'...a|| could see.

♪ Little Johnny Malk-o-pee!

♪ Little Johnny Malk-o-pee!

♪ Wet his pants so all could see!

♪ Little Johnny Malk-o-pee!

♪ Little Johnny Malk-o-pee!

♪ Wet his pants so all could see! ♪

I loved you so much!

Oh! Why did you have to hurt me like that?

I'm sorry, Lotte.

I guess I loved you, too, in my way.

You are so full of shit, Maxine!

I know.

I know!

It's your baby, OK?

What?

The baby... it's yours.

It's ours. I got pregnant when you were in Malkovich.

- You cannot fuck with me anymore, Maxine! - I'm not!

I kept it because I knew you were the father...

the other mother... whatever...

because I... because it was yours.

So we're parents?

Together?

Yeah.

Say, uh...

- Aren't you John Malkovich? - No.

- Yeah, you are. - No.

I can't fucking believe you're in this shithole, man.

- You guys know this is John Malkovich? - I'm not John Malkovich.

- This is John Malkovich. - I am not John Malkovich!

Cut it out, you guys.

"Yes?"

'Lester, please don't do it.

- 'Please don't kill Maxine.' - So you'll leave?

'Yes, I said... I, uh... I am leaving.'

All right. Do it now while I'm on the phone so I can hear,

and your lovely bride walks.

Uh... OK. OK.

I'm going.

Now, my friends. The time is now.

I'm free.

I'm back! I'm...

Argh!

Lotte.

Ooh!

Eh...

Hello. Hello, young lady.

We're... Malk...

We're Malkovich.

Hey! Hey!

Maxine! I did it, Maxine!

I left Malkovich for you, sweetie!

It's no good being Malkovich without you.

- It proves I love you, doesn't it? - Fuck off, Craig!

He's not with us.

Maxine, I love you!

I'm gonna go right back into Malkovich, and I'm gonna kick Lester out!

And then you'll love me again! Maxine!

Maxine!

- Ma-Sheen. - Hey. Malcatraz.

- Uh, how are you? - I'm very well. And you?

Good, good.

- You look well. - Thank you.

- How's Celeste? - She's good.

She's good, yeah. She's sorry she couldn't make it today.

- She had to go to the store. - Oh, that's OK.

Charlie, hi! I didn't even hear the door.

- Looking great, Flo. - I'm looking grateful?

Charlie, we are not getting any younger.

Well, don't rub it in.

Listen, Charlie, I know it's going to sound crazy...

but what would you think if I told you that I'd found a way

for us to live forever?

All of us.

- Johnny boy, what are you talking about? - All of us.

Celeste, Floris, you, me. Gary Sinise maybe.

I don't really understand.

Charlie, this... is Emily.

Isn't she lovely?

- Hey, pass the Cheetos. - You need more puffs?

No, I want more.

- Okey-doke. They're covered in grease. - Shut up.

- Can I swim yet? - Can you swim yet?

- What time is it? - Shall we do the cramp test?

Check her.

Let me see. Are you gonna throw up? Let me see!

Are you gonna throw up? Are you gonna vomit?

OK, you can swim.

Maxine.

Maxine.

I love you, Maxine.

Oh, look away.

Look away.

Look away. Look away.

Look away. Look away.

Look away.