Original subtitles

(groovy music)

(bells ring)

- Hi, Ava?

- Hi, yeah you must be Ben.

- Yeah, how are you?

- I'm good, how are you?

- How old are you?

- I'm, uh, 40 friendly.

- Have you ever been married?

- Yes, married before and I'm actually 43

but maybe we could slow down a little bit.

- Do you wanna get married again?

- I do, yes, of course.

- [Ben] And children?

- No children.

- Do you wanna have them?

(funky music)

- [Girl Voiceover] This is a story about what happens

to this baby.

Our story takes place in the not distant future.

- I'll do whatever it takes to keep this job,

'cause I wanna excel.

I wanna be part of the corporate elite,

I don't wanna sit with the scum of the earth.

Middle class.

I wanna be on the winning team.

- What's another name for the metal shackles

slaves wear around their necks?

- Blue collar?

- Yeah.

You get it, don't you?

Babies that don't age.

People called me crazy when I got into this business.

Where's the profit in a business like that, they said.

I said, I don't know.

But look at us now.

(fax beeping)

- [Ben] Hey, sorry, I hate being late.

- We should have brought her something.

- No no no no no, she doesn't need anything,

she doesn't like things.

- What do you mean she doesn't like things?

- My brother's a hoarder, he hoards things,

he keeps like receipts and junk mail,

piles of books, clothes.

She doesn't like stuff, it reminds her of my brother.

- Well flowers are nice, we could have brought her flowers.

- Flowers remind her of funerals

which remind her of death.

I'm ringing, okay? (buzzing)

You look pretty. - Hello?

- You look beautiful, you do, you do.

- Thanks.

- Just don't be nervous, she's gonna love you.

- Hello? - I know it.

Hey Ma, it's me.

- Paul? - It's Ben, Mom, Ben.

- Come in, have a seat.

- I, uh...

(funky music)

- Looks like a lot of fun in those pants.

- Excuse me? - Sorry!

He's sorry.

- Like a lot of fun in those pants.

Bubble ass.

- He's sorry. - No I'm not.

- You are, sorry.

- Looks like a can of biscuits popping out.

- You're embarrassing me.

- Yeah you're a real paragon of virtue.

- Thank you.

What's paragon?

- Shining example.

Look it up, I can't be your OED.

Oxford English Dictionary.

- Saw one of those once.

Neat.

- Agreed, neat.

A lot of what you say isn't, what's the word?

Interesting.

- Ben tells me you're a florist.

- Ben tells me you hate flowers.

- What kind of person hates flowers?

Gosh Ben didn't happen to mention to you

that I had both knees replaced last winter?

Just like new.

I can do everything you can do except that when I do it

I'm in excruciating pain.

- Ben, could you help me out a little bit here?

- Yeah, uh Mom, don't do this.

- Don't do what?

- You gotta be nice.

- So let me ask you Terry, Terry?

- [Terry] Terry, yes.

- Terry, let me ask you.

What kind of career is that, making floral arrangements?

- Well it's not so much a career as it is just a job.

I went to college, I just have a semester left

before I get my degree.

- Yeah.

I'm only asking because you look like

you should be teaching school, but you're not.

You're in school and you're making flower arrangements.

- Well I'm actually majoring in French literature

and I spent a little time abroad in between semesters.

- Oh, do you speak French?

- I do actually.

- An attribute!

(speaking foreign language)

- More so than American culture?

(speaking foreign language)

- So you're a snob.

(speaking foreign language)

- That's just a typical American attitude.

(speaking foreign language)

- Look I don't wanna be rude...

(speaking foreign language)

- Why?

- Why not?

(speaking foreign language)

(laughs)

- Sounds like you two are having a nice talk.

(light music)

(phone ringing)

- You couldn't even understand us!

(phone ringing)

- Yeah but your French sounded amazing.

I had no idea you spoke so well, we could have used that.

- Used it how?

- [Ben] You know, on nights when...

- [Terry] Please stop trying to be funny.

- [Ben] I'm not trying.

- [Terry] Why did you insist on us meeting

if she's like this?

- She's normally very sweet.

- She didn't even give me a chance,

she was just mean to me right from the gate.

You know what?

You guys have some serious Oedipal issues.

- Oh, we should have prepared more.

- What do you mean we should have prepared more?

What am I like on trial?

- That's one way to put it.

- Hey, how so?

- This was important, you know?

When I'm in a relationship...

- Yeah, when you're in a relationship...

- To a point in where you know

for the relationship to proceed you have to meet my mother.

- Okay well I met your mother.

- Yes. - Yes.

- Yes, no, but you know in order for the relationship

to proceed... - Okay wait a second, hey.

- Ow, what?

Jesus. - Look at me.

- I am, what?

- What are you trying to say?

You keep saying in order for the relationship to proceed,

what does that mean?

- No I mean in order for the relationship to proceed.

I told you this already.

My mother has to like you and don't make me say it,

she doesn't like you.

- Wait are you trying to break up with me

because your mother doesn't like me?

- Well I don't wanna do this.

I don't wanna do this it's just that

my mother's everything to me.

(laughs)

- Well your mother's a bitch.

- Oh, come on, that's not nice.

God I really don't like that kind of talk.

Watch it, okay?

See this never would have worked out anyway

with that kind of pejorative attitude.

- Are you... - This is for the best.

- Are you kidding?

You know what?

You are the biggest dick I have ever met.

- Sure.

- [Terry] Jesus!

- We had a good three months.

We were good right out of the gate,

like the start of a horse race.

We were in the lead.

And then this happened, the race is over now, and we lost.

It's okay, there are other races.

There are other horses to ride.

Don't do that.

Don't walk away like the last three months didn't happen.

(phone vibrating)

Yeah.

Yeah means hello.

Hello?

- Hello.

Ben, it's Malcolm.

- Yeah.

- Our three o'clock appointment isn't answering the door.

- What do you mean?

- Well we've buzzed the buzzer thingy and she's not...

She's not letting us in.

- She says you can't come in?

- She's just not coming to the door.

- Are you in the apartment building?

- No.

We're outside.

- Well how do you know she's not coming to the door?

Spit it out, I'm in 100 degree heat with a cell phone

to my head, I can actually feel a tumor growing

as I talk right now.

- Stop yelling at me.

- Well get to the point!

- We've tried the buzzer thingy and she's not answering,

she's not letting us in.

- Is Larry there?

- Yeah, of course.

- Well let me talk to him.

- But he's holding the baby.

- Put the phone to his ear!

- Ben, what's up?

- What's going on over there?

- Give me the fucking phone.

(phone drops)

You know, we're just hanging out.

- Uh huh.

- Well the doctor says I gotta quit drinking

and I'm like fuck that.

He says if I don't quit my liver's gonna give out.

I feel good about at least having the courage

to tell him how much I drink.

- Larry.

I need to know where you guys are

in that three o'clock appointment.

- Yeah, she's not home.

- Are you sure?

- I mean no, she could be dead up there.

She's not buzzing us up for some reason.

Hey that's a good question.

If you're dead, are you still home?

- What apartment are you guys buzzing?

- Six maybe?

What apartment are we buzzing?

- Hmm, four?

- We are buzzing four.

- Okay buzz 11.

- 11, really, why?

- Because she lives in apartment 11,

you were buzzing the wrong apartment buddy.

- Oh okay, that happens.

- Yeah, it sure does buster.

Look I got a date in half an hour so I gotta skedaddle.

- How's Terry?

What a doll.

- Terry and I broke up.

- And you're already going out on another date.

- I like to play the field.

- Me too, I'm just not that good at it.

- I don't wanna talk anymore so I'm hanging up now.

- Yeah alright.

Yeah, of course.

You too big daddy.

No, you're the man.

Yeah, I love you too.

Okay, bye Ben.

- Are you done?

- He hung up.

- Here.

Do you think maybe she needs to be changed?

- Why?

Buzz 11.

- She smells like she does.

- It's just once a week.

- Sorry, what's that?

- Buzz 11.

- Larry? - I don't get it.

We're standing out there an eternity.

You're sitting here.

It's not right.

You're not right.

- I'm sorry.

Sorry.

(funky rock music)

- Got the check?

- I do.

- I'll take it.

- Well you have the baby.

- You take the baby.

- What's that?

- You say what a lot.

Have you thought about getting your hearing check?

- Yes I have thought about it.

- Come on in, fellas.

Watch your step.

- Why, is there something we can trip on?

- No, you're carrying a baby.

Just watch your step.

- Oh I never thought about that.

I wonder how many babies have been injured or even died

because someone was careless and tripped on something

while they were holding one.

- I never thought about that either.

- I guess we have to be responsible with these things.

- Nevermind, do you want something to drink?

- Oh a scotch and soda on the rocks.

- I don't have scotch or soda but I can offer you

a glass of ice.

- Thank you.

- How about you?

- I like ice.

- Two glasses of ice it is.

- What's wrong with you?

- Nothing, what's wrong with you?

- Scotch and soda.

Let me do the talking.

- I like your apartment.

It's... nice.

Is that the right word?

- Do you think the baby would like it here?

- I think she'd love it here.

- It's a girl?

I was kinda hoping it was a girl.

What's her name?

- That's up to you, you can call her whatever you want.

- Would you like to hold her?

- Oh no, I'm afraid of babies.

- Surely that can't be the case

if you filled out an application.

- My brother thinks I should do this.

He says I'm cold, he says I need a baby to nurture,

that it'll make me focus on something other than myself.

- That's a wonderful reason to have a baby.

- It's as good a reason as any.

- Do either of you have a baby?

- No.

- My brother said his life meant nothing

until he had his little ones.

Everyone says that, right?

My life meant nothing until I had my children.

Now my life is complete.

Thank god for my children, I'll do anything for my children.

So.

The truth is I feel empty.

- Sure.

- You do too?

- I think about killing myself on a daily basis.

- Um, I've been seeing your company everywhere.

They don't age.

- That's right, Infinity Babies don't age.

Malcolm.

- What's the benefit in that?

- Well there is a benefit in it, actually.

Because you hear a lot of parents lament

the child growing up.

They leave the nest, they don't call, they don't visit.

And invariably they grow more distant.

- I thought most parents couldn't wait

until their kids left.

My parents couldn't conceal their glee.

I don't see how having a baby not age changes anything.

Still shackles you.

- But it not aging really takes the pressure off.

(pensive music)

I'm not sure I can explain this to you.

- When abortion was made illegal on a federal level,

congress passed stem cell laws to placate the left.

The republicans said you give us abortion

and we'll give the democrats stem cell research.

That allowed pharmaceutical giants like our

parent company (bleeps) to proceed with a number

of stem cell experiments on human fetuses.

Now at some point there was a botched experiment.

1,000 or so babies inherited this defect.

No one could figure out what caused it and no one knows

how to reverse it, so (bleeps) started a subsidiary,

Infinity Baby, to find homes for these babies.

And that's what we do.

- In any case, Infinity Babies sleep a lot.

And they don't cry much.

- What do they do?

- They coo.

- The coo of a baby

is the most beautiful sound in the world.

(soft music)

Or at least it's way up there.

- Some say it has healing properties.

- Not the cooing itself but the presence

of the baby in general.

- My uncle Toby, he had hemorrhoids and then he got a dog

and well he still has hemorrhoids,

but they don't flare up as much.

- What's your point?

- Well if a dog can lower the number

of hemorrhoidal flareups in someone,

imagine what a baby can do.

- Cooing baby may be pleasant but a crying baby

certainly isn't.

- You don't have to worry about that.

Infinity Babies primarily sleep,

that's pretty much all they do.

You only have to change their diaper once a week.

You can adjust the baby's meds to fit your schedule.

- That's what I was gonna ask, the meds.

Tell me about the meds.

- Well they're all included in your three month

Infinity parenting pack.

These drugs make caring for the baby a piece of cake.

- And they don't do any harm to the baby.

- Why can't they make a pill that ages the child?

- Good question.

- Who's paying for this?

- Great question.

- What if it dies in my care?

- It's a she.

- Why would it die?

- People die, children die, even babies that don't age die.

Don't they?

Or do they?

- Look it's all in the instruction manual.

It's two pills once a week, very easy,

you do that the baby will be fine.

- Don't take them yourself.

- Why would I do that?

- Well... I mean I for one don't sleep good

and if I had the choice, one bowel movement a week

would be ideal.

Regardless, the pills don't work on adults.

- It's quite alright, I have my own pills.

- Really, what kind?

I'd like one, what are they, uppers?

Downer.

- I don't think you two should be working around children.

- The great thing about living in this country is

you're entitled to your opinion.

- Another great thing about this country is

that you don't have to be mentally stable to work

with children.

- In any case, this isn't a child, it's a baby.

- She'll remain as she is.

- Innocent and uncorrupted.

- What's the point of taking care of a perpetual baby

if it's not going to grow into a sentient being

you can interact with?

Why bother?

- See you have have several plants, Lydia.

- I do.

- There's your answer.

- I think I'm gonna pass on this.

- It's $20,000 for doing nothing.

- Please get out of my house.

- It's an apartment.

Apartment.

(light music)

- Boy oh boy, she hated us.

- She did.

But that didn't matter so much.

She didn't want the baby, you could sorta see that

right off the bat.

She invited us up to pass the time.

- Yeah she didn't have the confidence

to go through with it.

(funky music)

(pensive music)

♪ Gonna walk around

♪ Gonna talk around

♪ Gonna walk around

♪ Gonna talk around and see

(giggling)

- Hi.

- Alison? - Hi!

- Oh hey. - Hi Ben.

(giggling)

It's nice to meet you face to face.

- You too.

Jeez, you're beautiful.

(giggling)

Sorry to be like that.

It's just you look better in person

than you do in your pictures.

- Well thanks I guess.

- That's not, it sounds like I'm saying

you look terrible in your photos.

You don't, you look, no, you look great,

but it's just in real life.

Wow.

(giggling)

- Well I already like you.

- Sorry I get nervous at these things.

There's just, there's a lot of pressure.

- I know, yeah, me too, me too.

And honestly I've been so busy the last,

well the last few years actually.

- Right, with your interior decorating business?

- Mm hmm.

Yeah, I just haven't had time for anything else.

I mean I'm not making a ton of money but I'm working

consistently, building clients.

- Yeah, your profile said you work a lot.

Can I get you a coffee or a salad?

- I'd love a coffee and a water.

- Okay fuck you, I'm not a waiter.

(laughing)

That's not funny.

Milk, sugar?

- I'm lactose intolerant.

- Okay, yeah, that's a problem.

I only date tolerant women.

- Well I'm normally very tolerant, I promise you.

- You could be a serial killer for all I care.

With a face like that, forget it.

- Aw, you're sweet.

Go get the coffees and we'll talk.

- Okay.

Um...

(giggles)

Okay.

- [Ben Voiceover] Go get the coffees?

She's already bossing me around.

Did I really need to know that drinking milk gives her gas?

I don't need to know that right out of the gate.

Why does she want to reveal so much so quickly?

She laughs so much.

We've talked for two minutes

and she's laughing at everything.

I mean there's a desperation in that, isn't there?

And she can't sit 15 seconds alone without

picking up her phone.

Still she's cute.

Really cute.

And if she's an interior designer that's good,

they make good money, don't they?

Means I won't have to pay for everything.

But she said she's not making good money

which means I will.

She has nice eyes.

There's something dreamy about her,

she's probably thinking about marriage and kids.

- [Barista] Can I help you?

- What?

Yeah, I'll have a black coffee and a fucking water.

♪ You push

♪ I'll go

♪ You push

♪ I'll go

♪ I'll go

♪ I'll go

♪ I'll go

- [Girl Voiceover] And that's how babies are made.

(giggling)

Making babies is easy.

Taking care of them is a punishment.

(light music)

- Why don't we keep her?

- Why would we do that?

- $20,000.

We keep it for ourselves.

In three months we just tell them the lady

didn't want the baby and then no one knows the difference.

- Larry, we don't need the money.

I've been saving.

I've saved $60,000 by putting away $20 a day

for the last 30 days.

- That's $600.

You're unbelievably stupid.

- We can't take care of her.

- Sure we can, it's easy.

We just give her the pills, stick her on the sofa,

go about our business.

- But we have to change her diaper once a week.

- Changing a diaper once a week, so what?

It's a piece of cake.

- And we just keep the check.

- $20,000?

- What are we gonna do with $20,000 Larry?

- Pay for our wedding for one thing.

- I told you, I'm undecided on the topic of weddings.

- I know, but it's good for taxes.

- I'm not even sure that I'm gay.

Larry, I don't think I am exactly.

- Keep telling yourself that.

- I think I might be more bisexual or pansexual.

- Oh yeah, what's pansexual?

- I don't think I can answer that.

I have to think about this.

(sighs)

Okay.

Okay.

Let's do it.

- It's brilliant, right?

Now, let's take it home and have a drink to celebrate.

- Okay.

Let's celebrate.

But let's drink responsibly because we're parents now.

- Drink as responsibly as you want,

I'm getting shitfaced.

- What?

- Drink as responsibly as you want, I'm getting shitfaced.

(dramatic music)

- Can you smell that?

- Yeah, it's definitely time for her to be changed.

- I don't wanna do it.

- Come on, you've only changed her once since we got her.

- I know, but originally you said you would do it.

- If you love the baby, you won't mind changing the diaper.

- I don't love this thing.

I don't wanna do it.

- I'm sorry.

- [Malcolm] I can't believe we have to do this once a week

for the next three months.

- Two months.

(phone vibrating)

- [Malcolm] I don't know much

about what happened at Guantanamo Bay

but if they really wanted to torture the prisoners

they would have forced them to do this.

- I don't think you should be comparing this to that.

- Okay, I'm finished.

- How was it?

- The worst thing I've ever done.

- We can increase the baby's medication.

- What do you mean?

- The constipation medication.

We just give her double the amount

and then you only have to do this half as much.

- Me?

Why me, why?

Sure.

- We could up her dosage with the red pill too,

then we only have to feed her half as often.

- That makes sense.

- This isn't so hard, is it?

- Uh.

Oh god, I got feces on my arm.

- So what?

(coughs)

You make a big deal about everything!

(coughing)

(laughing)

(gagging)

Fuck.

- Larry that's not cleaner for people,

that's cleaner for countertops.

(laughing)

Ow, Larry ow it burned my eye!

Larry stop, Larry, Larry, Larry no!

(upbeat music)

Ah Larry stop, stop it!

(crying)

Ah!

- We had every reason to think this was temporary

but it isn't.

- Meaning what?

- [Doctor] Meaning you're blind.

- Jesus. - Yeah.

- What about in like a year, will I be blind then?

- I think so.

Good question.

- Five years?

- [Doctor] Great question, probably.

(funky music)

(groaning)

- I'm sorry I pre-ejaculated so quickly.

I thought that's what you wanted.

(giggles)

- Why would I want that?

- You mentioned you were impatient.

- You have an answer for everything, don't you?

- I do now.

Wish that were the case in college.

I may have graduated.

- I assumed you did well in school.

- No, I'm dyslexic, I had trouble reading.

Came in handy though when my parents asked me

how I was doing.

For the longest time I thought my GPA was 3.2,

it was actually 2.3.

(giggling)

- [Ben Voiceover] Wow, now she's laughing

at my lack of intelligence.

- [Alison] Well how did you end up becoming a manager

at Infinity Baby?

- I dunno, I applied like everyone else.

It was pretty intense.

Plus my father owned the company and my uncle runs it.

- I wanna have a baby one day.

Do you?

- Yeah I'd like to have a baby for one day.

And then give it back.

(giggling)

The truth is I'm just kinda scared of all that.

- Yeah, well that's fair.

- I'm a coward.

- Is that how you get all the girls, is that your schtick?

I'm a coward, will you go out with me?

- [Ben Voiceover] She really is kinda perfect.

I think maybe I could stay with her for a while.

Maybe even get married.

As long as we're not talking all the time

and she's not laughing so much at everything I say.

I wonder what it's going to be like two months from now.

Oh, hi. (phone ringing)

Get off of me.

Space.

I just want space.

- [Alison] Morning.

- Oh you're really insatiable, you know that?

- Ben, hey, did I wake you up?

- What is it?

- We've got a problem here at the apartment.

We need you to come over.

- No, I'm not coming over there.

- It's kind of an emergency, work related emergency.

- How?

Just tell me what it is, Jesus!

- Yes, I'll explain more when you get here.

(curious music)

- [Ben] I'm not happy.

- I know Ben, I'm not happy either.

(sighs)

As we get older it's best just to accept

that we're never gonna be truly happy,

but if you think about it...

You can't appreciate happiness

without experiencing bleakness.

When I'm feeling down, what I usually do is make myself

a bowl of cinnamon oatmeal.

- I have to go.

- No, don't go!

- [Ben] Yep.

- Then I make a boiled egg, peel it, say a tantric prayer,

then I throw it out the window.

- I had a dream last night we were getting married.

(giggles)

And we were both crying and our tears were filling up

all around us like we were in a bathtub

and we just kept crying and then we were lifted up

by this ocean of tears and carried into heaven.

And when we got there my grandmother was there

and she was crying and then all of our particles

just started spinning all around and there was this

torque of energy and positivity and

everyone just started dissolving into this

tornado of goodness.

I love you Ben!

I'm just so in love with you!

- I think you should meet my mother.

- Wait Ben, really?

- Yeah, I think it's time.

- But Ben this makes me really nervous.

You said your mother's everything to you.

- Yeah, she is for the most part, yeah.

- You said that if your mother doesn't approve

of one of your girlfriends it's usually a sign

you can't continue.

- Let's just say it's difficult.

- This is making me really nervous.

What if she doesn't like me?

I don't wanna meet her!

How am I supposed to tell her that I love her son

and I wanna make 100 babies with him?

(giggling)

(easy music)

- [Ben Voiceover] Why does this always happen?

Every time.

God this is going to hurt her so badly.

Then I'm gonna feel horrible.

Why do they have to care so much?

Why can't they just ride the wave?

Isn't that what this is all about, just riding the wave?

Look at her, she'll be fine.

- [Alison] Ow!

- [Ben Voiceover] She's like a six year old.

She'll find the whole thing funny.

New York could get attacked by Chinese warships

and she would be laughing until

the very last heartbeat.

- When do you want me to meet her?

- As soon as possible.

(giggling)

(tense electronic music)

(phone ringing)

- Hello?

- Hester. - Yes.

- It's Ben.

- Hello Ben.

- I need to introduce you to my girlfriend tomorrow.

- Can't do it tomorrow, I'm busy.

- I'll call you tonight with the details.

You're gonna have to be extra hard on this one.

She thinks life is a bowl of cherries.

- I just told you I'm busy.

- I figure we can start with interior design,

it's what she does, but I can't talk right now,

I'll let you know the details...

(beeps) - Oh my god.

(upbeat music)

- [Ben Voiceover] Maybe I need to stop dating women

and retreat back to girls.

Find a young girl who likes to have fun.

Maybe do some drugs and go out dancing.

Go to a rave.

I should do all the weird shit I did not do

when I was younger.

Maybe go to a goth club dressed like a vampire.

Now's the time.

No, I love women too much.

I don't love them, but I need them.

If they could just stop taking things so seriously.

It's just a relationship.

Why does there always have to be an ultimatum?

Marriage, babies, why can't we just keep having fun?

Why do things always have to be so serious?

- This is serious.

(flies buzzing)

- I think about all the success I've achieved

and then I ask myself, when will it ever be enough?

I have an office here and New York City.

I have people who ask me what to do, when to do it,

and how to do it on a daily basis,

and in a company like this there's a lot to do

and a lot of people to do it so you do the math.

I'm a busy man.

I sign checks for people.

I sit at the head of long tables at board meetings

and after everyone's had a chance to talk,

somebody says, "So Neo, what do you think?"

And then I say what I think and then what I think

is the final word.

That's some pretty awesome shit, is it not, white boy?

- Yes.

- Does it bother you when I call you white boy?

- No.

- How old are you white boy, 22?

- 32.

- You know when I was 22 I was digging graves in Louisiana.

100 degree heat.

I was putting coffins made of cardboard in the ground.

The smell of decaying flesh was so strong I could taste it.

Sounds awful, doesn't it?

- Yeah, it really does.

Unless you like the taste of decaying flesh.

(beeping)

- Yeah?

My nephew, here, now.

How?

Wow.

Yes, bring him in.

(lighter clicks)

(tense rock music)

What the fuck?

Ben.

- Neo.

- Good to see you, Ben.

You kept the baby for three months in order to collect

the $20,000 fee for yourselves.

- That's right.

- And then you gave the baby extra pharmaceuticals

in order to stop it from defecating.

- That's not entirely correct.

- We initially gave her two constipation pills

thinking that she would only use the bathroom

once every two weeks, but that didn't work.

- So then what?

- Then we stopped giving her the food pill

in hopes that that would keep her from defecating.

- And?

- It did.

(phone dings)

- [Ava] Hi I'm Ava, I can't wait to meet you in person.

- Oh.

Sorry, I didn't bring my headphones.

Um, I'll take this outside.

- Don't you want to listen to this?

- No, I think it's better if you handle this and them.

- [Neo] I'll take care of this.

- [Ben] You know, I think that's best.

- I just told you I got it.

- Okay, thanks Uncle Neo.

- So you starved the baby.

- We just stopped giving it one of her pills.

- Yeah, the pill that nourishes her.

- She didn't start crying like a baby normally does

when it's hungry, she just lied there and cooed.

- She just lied there and cooed?

- Laid there, yeah.

- [Malcolm] She just cooed.

- Until she stopped cooing.

- You know the orientation specifically stipulates

that you do not under any circumstances modify

the medication schedule.

There are warning labels at every step

exhorting you to avoid...

Can you even read?

- Of course.

- [Malcolm] I could.

- Idiots.

Were you at the orientations?

- I think it was an orientation.

We were at one, crazy tedious.

- Here's what we're gonna do.

There is an easy fix to this.

It's like a paper trail.

Get rid of the trail, nobody can touch you.

We take the baby to this guy.

- Who's this?

- I ask the questions here.

- I wonder who this is.

- You just take the baby to Fenton

and the problem go bye bye.

- Problem go bye bye.

- Problem go bye bye.

(swallows)

I admire your courage.

You saw an opportunity to get $20,000 and you went for it.

I like that.

- [Malcolm] But a baby died.

- So what?

In order to make money sometimes you have to

kill a few babies.

My good friend Dick Cheney, the former CEO

of defense contractor Halliburton taught me that.

You guys like kombucha?

(ambitious music)

- There's somebody here to see you.

- It's Neo Getwell.

It's a very powerful man.

- Well they have a baby with them.

(clears throat)

- [Neo] You look well.

- I'm not.

- What's the problem?

- I...

I can't really talk about it.

- You know we might have an opening in the mail room.

It would get you out of this place,

you could work your way up.

Another year or two you could have

an office of your very own maybe.

- What do you call this?

I'm a little too old to start over

without it being ridiculous to me

and everyone around me.

But, my niece needs a job.

- This your niece?

- Hi.

Could I hold your baby?

- Hi.

(funky music)

- She's quiet.

- Yeah, she seems to be.

- Yeah, she likes to sleep.

- Where's the mother?

- Larry?

- I'm not the mother.

(popping)

- Discretion as always.

- Is that why you brought along an entourage?

- They're training.

- Oh, that right?

- They're part of the team.

- Teamwork makes the dream work.

- Good one.

(phone vibrating)

- I have to take this.

But you can't give me the results now?

Okay.

I'm on my way.

That was the doctor, I have to go in and get the results

of my liver function panel.

- Panel?

- [Larry] I'm gonna slip out.

- No wait, Larry, you can't.

- I have to.

- What about the baby, Larry?

- It's fine, they're gonna take care of her.

(upbeat music)

- What's your name?

- I'm Tiffany.

- You're a very pretty girl, Tiffany.

How old are you?

- I'll be 19 in April.

I just graduated high school so I'm looking for a job.

I don't really like this place.

- Well if you ever need any advice

maybe we can go have dinner sometime.

- Yeah I dunno, I don't really love advice.

- Good.

- I have a bad feeling about this.

- What do you mean?

- This place seems evil.

- Malcolm, there's no such thing as evil.

- I know.

Larry this just isn't right.

We killed a baby, we stole the money,

we're gonna get away with it?

Surely we have to pay a price.

- Wait, now you're scaring the hell out of me.

- Why?

- I'm going to get the results to my panel,

you're making me paranoid!

- You weren't paranoid before?

- [Larry] No, not really.

- Well Skinner made it pretty clear that

you were done for if you kept drinking.

- [Larry] True.

- And you've averaged two quarts of vodka per day

for the last 10 weeks.

- Correct.

- Why do you like drinking so much, Larry?

- Fuck you.

- There's a virus in the air.

You're feeling it too.

- It's true, I read the papers, I know what I'm doing

is wrong, I'm covering up things that should be exposed.

You're doing very bad things.

You're dealing in them.

By doing what I'm an accomplice to these very bad things.

- That's one way of looking at it.

- I just, I have a terrible feeling.

Like maybe, maybe being selfish and irresponsible

isn't the way to be.

- Malcolm, this isn't the time or place

to start feeling guilty.

- [Malcolm] Larry.

- [Ben] What do you like to do?

- [Tiffany] Have fun.

- [Ben] Yeah?

- [Tiffany] I'm not really looking to date anyone right now.

- [Ben] Why not?

- I'm too young, I don't wanna commit to anybody.

- I think that's an excellent attitude.

- You think so? - Absolutely.

What do you do for fun?

- Drugs.

- Okay Tiffany, I'm gonna have to take her from you.

- No, why?

- You know why.

- What are you doing?

You're gonna hurt her.

- No I'm not.

- Yes you are, you're gonna wake her up.

- [Fenton] No I'm not gonna wake her up.

(baby crying)

- [Tiffany] What are you talking about?

- Jesus!

- [Tiffany] Look what you did.

- Jesus?

(electronic music)

- [Girl Voiceover] A hug, that's all it took.

Turned out to be relevant to the process.

When's too early to say I wish I'd never been born?

- Okay, I'm gonna leave you here then.

You can get upstairs okay?

- Yeah, I'll manage.

Actually starting to get used to the darkness,

it's actually kinda comforting.

- You know what, let me try something real quick.

- Okay.

(singing)

- Okay, open your eyes.

Can you see?

You know, sometimes we see what we wanna see.

- Okay.

- So you're okay with keeping the baby

a few more weeks til we find her a home?

- Yeah, yeah.

- Dunno what happened to your friend.

He'll be back to help you take care of the girl, I assume.

- Yeah, he'll be back later.

- Alright, good luck to you.

Glad everything worked out.

- Goodbye.

(baby cooing)

- STD?

(upbeat electronic music)

- Larry?

I don't know where you are, but I need you.

Something strange has happened.

Something strange and wonderful.

I dunno if it's a sign but if it is it's pretty amazing.

It's funny, ever since you blinded me

I've never seen more clearly.

I feel a strange connection to the universe.

It's hard to explain.

(baby crying faintly)

By not seeing anything it's like I can see everything.

Phone off. (baby crying)

- Hey Mom. - Hello Ben.

- This is Alison.

- Hi Alison. - Hi!

It's so exciting to meet you!

- It's nice to meet you too.

- Alison, my mother hates that, don't do that.

- Oh I'm so sorry, I didn't know.

- Yeah that's not a great way to start.

- Actually it was kind of nice to be hugged.

Ben never hugs me.

Ben tells me you're...

You're into interior design.

- Oh yeah, that's how I make my living

but I'm small time.

I work with small budgets and mainly friends.

- And can you pay your bills this way?

(laughing)

- Not really.

Sometimes I actually lose money on a place.

But my parents help me out.

- So you sponge off of your parents?

(laughing)

- Kind of.

It's terrible, I know, but I'm lucky.

I really wanna live here and they insist on helping me

and I need the help sometimes.

- Well, gosh I don't know maybe if you applied yourself more

and really worked hard you could become self-sufficient.

- Well I work a lot, I do, but you're right, you're right.

My mother gets after me about that too.

I just get distracted so easily.

I mean there's so much to see and do in the city and

it's all so inspiring.

I just really wanna take it all in

before I meet the man of my dreams and have a baby.

- Is that right?

- I mean I like interior design,

but I really just wanna be a mom.

- Wow.

Well I'm not sure if Ben is ready for

that kind of responsibility.

(giggling)

- Yeah, I know, that's one of the reasons I love him.

- You love him, huh?

- Yeah.

But I know this probably isn't permanent.

- [Hester] Really?

And what does that mean?

- Yeah, what does that mean?

- Well you know what I mean.

You don't love me.

- Wait, I didn't say that.

- Well right, but you didn't say you did either,

that's the most important part.

- But that's the problem, you said it.

- Right.

And I meant it, I felt it and I meant it so I said it.

- Ben is a child, Alison, you should move on.

- Mom, what are you talking about?

- Alison.

Why do you wanna be a mom so badly?

- Just instinct?

I dunno, maternal urge?

Well I have a lot of friends who are writers,

artists, lawyers, you know.

I get invites to book readings and art openings and I go

and I see how proud my friends are and I'm proud of them.

Takes a big commitment to achieve big things.

- That's a little simplistic, isn't it, Mom?

- Be quiet please.

Continue.

- Well, I just imagine there's this moment

when someone gets a New York Times book review

or makes some huge medical breakthrough

or closes some multimillion dollar deal where

they're thinking this is it.

You know, I've done it, I've achieved what I've always

wanted to achieve.

And I'm no genius, but I'm no idiot either.

I think I could work hard and achieve things like that.

- Mm hmm.

- But I just don't have those kind of fantasies.

Probably a lot of people don't.

But... (giggles)

Well I do have a specific dream in my head

I'd like to see play out.

I imagine I'm sleeping in bed with my husband

and it's morning and the sun is pouring

through the windows or it's raining outside,

I guess it doesn't really matter.

But we're sound asleep and the bedroom door opens

and our two children come in and they say,

"It's time to get up Mommy, it's time to get up Daddy!"

And we just pull them into bed with us

and we all just giggle and laugh as a family

and it's perfect and we're happy.

- You're such a sweetheart.

(giggles)

- Yeah but it's never perfect and you know

that's just an idealistic fantasy.

The reality is that having children is very stressful

and I'm not a morning person, I like to sleep late.

- Oh my god.

- Anyway, I know these things scare you, Ben.

- Then why are we still together?

- Because I love you!

- Break up with him.

- Wait, really?

I should, shouldn't I.

- He brought you here because he wants to break up with you.

- Mom!

- Oh quit calling me that!

You know what?

I'm not even his mother.

- Wait, huh?

- She's lying.

Mom, seriously.

- Oh come on.

He pays me.

He pays me to pretend I'm his mother

and I hate all of his girlfriends

so that he has an excuse to break up with them.

- Really?

- This is the fourth one of you that I've done in a year.

Oh he begged me to do this one, yeah.

Promised to donate $5,000 to a koala rescue organization.

(laughing)

- This doesn't seem possible!

- Well, you know, he's a coward.

- [Ben] Well look at her!

She's laughing even at this!

- Well who cares?

It's cute.

- You really do this?

- Yes he does it, he's doing it, he's doing it right now!

This is him doing it, here he is!

- Wait, wait a second!

Okay.

- No, this is fascinating.

Tell me more.

- Well, he can't commit.

When he starts getting antsy and wants to get out

of a relationship, he faxes me a dossier.

- Fax, nobody faxes!

- And then I have to pick out the things

that I can use in the meeting

and then I have to denigrate these poor girls.

- Wow.

- I've even rehearsed lines. - Wow.

(giggling)

- What are you laughing at?

Are you laughing at me?

I mean is this just some kind of joke to you?

- No, no, I'm sorry.

- No no no no, those are my lines.

Yeah see, I'm supposed to grill you about laughing.

Yeah, I'm supposed to make you feel bad about laughing

so that he can justify breaking up with you.

That's what we're dealing with here.

Mm hmm.

I mean I love that you laugh, I think you have

an adorable laugh, I mean if I were dating you...

- Okay enough, enough Hester!

- [Hester] I would be like laugh more,

laugh as much as you want!

- I don't know why you're doing this now

after all these years, but you know what?

Okay, okay.

And right.

It's probably not the most ethical way to break up

with someone, but you know what?

It would never have to come to this if you women

could just be realistic about things.

Just be realistic.

The soulmate doesn't exist.

And the white wedding, the perfect marriage,

the perfect death do us part scenario, it's a fantasy man!

And when I say man, I mean, you know, I mean, I mean man.

Because to call someone man denotes a disconnect

and I am disconnected from both of you right now.

(laughing)

It never, it never fails!

It never fails!

You're in a solid relationship with a woman,

it's going really well, and then at some point

the woman has to screw up everything by being,

you know, this.

Like wanting feminine things.

You know, like I want a baby because I have

maternal instincts, I wanna breastfeed.

I wanna get married.

I wanna say my vows and pledge my love

in front of a bunch of people I don't even know because...

What?

Why?

I want a baby so I can unburden myself

from who I thought I was gonna be.

And then you.

Like what?

You have to go and screw up this thing we have

because she hugged you?

Is that what it is, a hug?

That's all it took?

- Ben, please calm down.

- Don't tell me what to do, Alison.

You're always telling me what to do.

Everyone's always telling me what to do.

I don't tell you what to do.

I don't tell you not to laugh.

- Why would anyone tell anyone not to laugh?

- Because it's fucked up to laugh all the time!

- Oh yeah?

Oh yeah, I'm fucked up for laughing?

- No Alison, he's fucked up.

- I'm fucked?

I'm fucked up.

You're fucked up.

You too, you're fucked, both, the world is fucked up!

And having babies, bringing babies into this fucked up world

and then just laughing all the time

isn't gonna change anything.

- Well what is, Ben?

- Drugs.

- Drugs?

- I have to go.

Bye, bye Alison, bye.

Bye, bye Mom, bye!

Oh!

I almost forgot.

I dunno, I dunno, it's the way it is,

you just pay for things you don't want,

it's what it's all about.

This whole world of boy meets girls

is actually just a world of let me spend my money

on temporary happiness but inevitable misery

because you all just can't do what you're told.

You can't do what you're told.

(upbeat electronic music)

- Ben, you know what you are?

- Is it a coward?

- You're a bore.

- Taking this back.

- Please shove it up your ass,

you misogynist, shallow, self-centered oaf.

(bells ring)

- Hi, Ava?

- Hi yeah, you must be Ben.

- Yeah, how are you?

- I'm good, how are you?

- How old are you?

- I'm, uh, 40 friendly.

- Have you ever been married?

- Yes, married before and I'm actually 43

but um maybe we could slow down a little bit?

- Do you want to get married again?

- Uh, I do, yes, of course.

- [Ben] And children?

- No children.

- Do you want to have them?

- Um, yeah, of course if I'm blessed enough to have them.

- Blessed, are you a Jesus freak?

- I consider myself a spiritual person.

So what, you taking off?

- [Ben] Yeah.

- Hey was this a test?

- Uh yeah, you know, it was, in fact.

You're a 43 year old woman, you wanna get married,

start a family, and that's not what I want right now.

- Okay well that's fair.

- I think so.

- [Ava] Hey can I ask you a question?

- Yeah, sure.

- What do you want?

- Do you mind?

That sounds awesome.

That's what the kids say right, they say awesome?

- I can't believe we've been together for five years.

- Has it been that long?

- [Girl Voiceover] The distant future.

- [Ben] Well it's flown by.

- Like a rooster.

- It's flown by like a rooster.

- Like a rooster on drugs.

- A rooster on drugs.

- [Girl] Dad, can we see a movie?

- Yeah of course, we can do whatever you want.

- [Girl] Can we get some ice cream?

- Absolutely.

Movie and an ice cream sounds like the perfect Friday night.

Although the last movie we saw

I didn't really care for.

- Why not?

- Well, because the characters didn't really change much

from the beginning to the end.

They just, they stayed the same.

- So?

- Well it's kind of a big deal.

- I'm pretty excited.

Never been to a vampire goth club before.

- You're gonna like it.

- Yeah, is it gonna be fun? - Yeah.

- [Malcolm] Because in a movie when a character's flawed

or makes a mistake or series of mistakes,

they can change, they can grow up.

- Okay.

- Do you understand? - Yeah.

- You do? - Yeah.

- [Malcolm] Growing up is important.

- What is that, glitter?

- I don't know, it's kinda new.

- Is it like acid, coke?

- Think it's more like meth.

We're gonna be up for several days but it's kinda herbal.

- I can't wait to grow up.

- You can't?

Yeah, that'll make me sad but I can't wait

to see that happen too.

- You can't see, why will you be sad?

- Well, you see one day you're gonna be big enough

to leave home and you're gonna go to college

and you're gonna make new friends

and you're probably gonna get romantically involved

with someone.

And maybe you'll start a family,

maybe you'll start a career but you and I probably won't

see each other as much.

- I don't want that to happen.

- [Malcolm] It's not a bad thing, though.

- Oh, that's good.

- [Malcolm] Yeah, I think so.

- This is easily the healthiest relationship

I've ever been in in my life.

- Me too.

I'm pregnant. (coughs)

(mellow rock music)

♪ I get so tall on being me

♪ Oh I am joy I am a song

♪ There is no place I don't belong

♪ And now the earth can't hold me

♪ The earth will never hold me

♪ I know the earth won't hold me while I want to live

♪ I follow walls that lead to space

♪ I tumble into what I say

♪ I attack the dark and find the day

♪ And now the earth can't hold me

♪ The earth will never hold me

♪ I know the earth won't hold me while I want to live

♪ I leap into the moving sun

♪ I feel the heat but I won't burn

♪ I'll use the light for my return

♪ And now the earth can't hold me

♪ The earth will never hold me

♪ I know the earth won't hold me while I want to live

♪ I string the newly colored beads

♪ I keep no time I reach no fear

♪ I have no way yet all is here

♪ And now the earth can't hold me

♪ The earth will never hold me

♪ I know the earth won't hold me while I want to live

♪ I leap into the moving sun

♪ I feel the heat but I won't burn

♪ I'll use the light for my return

♪ And now the earth can't hold me

♪ The earth will never hold me

♪ I know the earth won't hold me while I want to live

♪ I string the newly colored beads

♪ I keep no time I reach no fear

♪ I have no way yet all is here

♪ And now the earth can't hold me

♪ The earth will never hold me

♪ I know the earth won't hold me while I want to live

♪ I leap into the moving sun