Original subtitles

Sharon!

Look how cute she looks!

All sorts of cute

Yeah, go away

Why? We haven't done anything yet

Yeah, that's why I want you inside

See there's this guy who jogs past here every night, dark hair, nice smile?

Oh, do you know who I'm talking about?

Oh, oh, oh? no!

Well, we haven't actually spoken, but we have this incredible eye contact thing. Oh, great eyes

That's his name?

Great Eyes?

You're dating an Indian Chief?

Ooh, here he comes! Get, get, get, I don't want to be associated with you guys!

- Fine! - Yeah, be that way

Ah, God! I have got to get some female friends!

Alright Bill, what's the deal with putting the chairs on the tables every night, I mean, is it just a restaurant thing or what?

It makes it easier for you guys to mop up, genius

We're supposed to mop?

Pete

Have you ever wondered where they manufacture these napkin dispensers?

- Never, Mr Bauer, not once - Greenbay, Wisconsin

Really?

Of course I'll tell you how I know

I used to live in Greenbay, while I played for Vince and the Packers,

On the frozen tundra of Lambofield

Oh, no. You got the classic sports channel

I say if we don't stop their running game, they're gonna pass on us all day

I gotta blitz

Where the hell is my blocking?

- Hey Mr Bauer! Hey Berg! - Melissa, I now lead the Pizza Place in sacks

Yay Bauer!

- Hey sweetie! Oh, I am so nervous. I mean this is their first play, ya know? -Oh come on. It's gonna be great. Kindergarteners doing 'Hair', how can it miss?"

How much do I love you!

- Alright, I'm outta here - Yeah, me too.Bye Bill

Oh, hold on, we've got one more delivery

I have to meet Bernie and Fitz at the gym at nine. We're watching intermediate aerobics

Come on Berg, just go to the ten o'clock session

That's advanced aerobics

Any girl with that kind of discipline, totally wrong for me

You know, maybe I should just call them up and have them pick up their own pizza

- Yeah, that's a good idea! - No, I don't think so!

- 845 Arlington - I'll do it

Pete, we're gonna be late

- Don't worry honey, I'll make it there in time for the show - Okay, you are being this wrong

What's with you and 845 Arlington?

Nothing

Oh, who are you kidding, huh? Every time 845 Arlington orders a pizza, you run out of here like you're dropping off a donor heart

What is this guy, some sort of big tipper?

- No - You know, you're gonna miss the Gingerbread Parade

While it's hot guys

-I'm on it. You kids have fun now. - Thanks you to

- Oh and Melissa? - What's that Berg?

Boogy-oogy-oogy until you just can't boogy no more

Great! Come on

You know Bill, I?

That's it Berg, way to hold on to that pizza

- Pizza delivery - Pete? Come on in sweetie

Sweetie?

Don't I know you?

Wait till you see?oh, hi. You're not Pete

I can be Pete

I was Pete for Halloween one year

Where is he?

Ah, he had to go to a play with his girl?scout troop

He's very involved with the community

Pete's such a doll

Yep, yep, yep

Pete's the best

He really is

This is an interesting brush stroke.What do you use?

- My naked body - Really?

Because we need our apartment painted

Why use a brush when you have your toes, your thighs, your breasts

You paint with your?toes?

I find it connects me to the canvas

- I know it sounds crazy - No, no, not at all

I used to be quite the finger painter myself

I really should get back to work

Thanks for the pizza

You better watch it with these things

Or you'll need a bigger canvas

Oh my GOD!

You tell Pete I'm sorry I missed him

Oh I can't wait to tell him

You know the only reason I order from this place is to see him

- Bye - Bye

OH MY GOD!

I mean even considering the dysfunctional dynamic of Pete and Melissa's relationship, you know, on again, off again, on again, do you think Pete would cheat on Melissa?

No, not at all

Will you stop thinking about Great Eyes! This is important

What makes you think Pete's cheating on Melissa?

He's been making like he's this good guy;

'No, I'll stay late and take last delivery'

Which usually happens to be 845 Arlington. But tonight, I made the delivery, and BOY you would not believe this woman

Well, wait, just because Pete brings her pizza doesn't mean he's delivering the sausage

I never want to forget that you said that

Hey there

Hey

How was the play? Oh good, good. It was a little odd seeing two six year old girls singing 'Black Boys are Delicious'

But overall, it was good, good.

Oh hey.Did you take care of that delivery?

Delivery?

Umm, 845 Arlington?

- 845 Arlington, 845 Arlington?oh yeah, yeah, YEAH. Went well - Great, great, great.Goog, good, good

Okay.Well, I'm beat, gonna head in

- Oh, hey Pete? - Yeah?

How do you scrape all that paint off your ass?

-See, damn it I knew you were gonna think that! - I can't believe you didn't tell me

- Pete, you filthy pig - No guys, it's not what you think

- Then why didn't you tell me about her? - Because of this very conversation, that's why. Look, it's completely platonic

There is no way you can be just friends with someone that hot

I mean it's physically impossible for a man to be platonic with a woman that sexy."

- Uh, hello! -What?

- You don't count! - Why not?

Because. Because you transcend sex

- Anyway, Isabella and I, we just? - Wait, wait, wait. Transcend sex? What does that mean, transcend sex?

- I don't know Sharon, it means you're Sharon - No, no, no, I know exactly what it means, it means that I am not hot, I repel men and I am sexless!

AAAH! No, no, no, wait! You're taking out of context!

-So what else? - What else what?

What else don't you tell me about this secret life you lead Peter, if that's even you real name!

- Alright, okay, cut it out - Hey, I tell you everything

Yeah, and I've asked you to stop!

Listen to me very carefully, okay? There is nothing between me and Isabella

- And besides, I'm with Melissa, right? - Right

Right

So then you wouldn't mind if I asked Isabella out

No of course not. Go for it. I just don't think you'd like her

Really? Why's that?

You know, I gotta tell you, she's kind of a nut

Boy, I didn't get that at all

That's cause you only spent a few minutes with her, but once you get to know her, she's compulsive, possessive, delusional?

it's actually quite sad

Wow, that's funny. She only said really nice things about you

Really?

What did she say?

Well for one. She only orders from us so she can see you

- She said that? - Yep

- No kidding? - But if she's a nut?

Ah, total nut

- Then I guess I won't give her a call - I mean, it would be for the best

But then again, sometimes you feel like a nut

Forget about it Berg

Give me the phone Pete

I mean, you're my boy

I don't want to hurt you, you know it's good, but you're being crazy, ya know

Don't go?stay

Who is that?

Christopher Walken

Or actually it's me doing an impression of Bernie's impression of Christopher Walken

-It's terrible - Bernie's is terrible, mine's right on

Give me her number Berg

- You have a girlfriend -So?

So. The rules state that you can only protect one girl at a time, and right now you've got Melissa? You know, your girlfriend

Melissa has nothing to do with this

Of course she doesn't. In fact for your anniversary, Isabella could paint Melissa's portrait with her right breast

Berg, what makes you think that Isabella's even into you?

Yeah, right

Look, there's only one way to solve this

The tribunal

-The tribunal. Get the robe - You think I won't?

Sharon! Come down. We need you

And be quick about it!

Hello?

How does that make you sound like a hooker?

Oh, by the way, it'll be me AND my buddy

She's on her way. Okay, help me understand this sick need of yours to ask out Isabella

Because she's perfect for me. She likes art, she likes pizza, she works NAKED!

Berg, forget it!

Oh, forget it, you know, I can't do that, no, it's no good, you know I want to, but the time is past

It's just, it's not good! You know, I mean I know you think it sounds good, but... arrggh

What?

The tribunal

Oh my God! The robe!

Oh you remember graduation where I hid those beers around my waist like sticks of dynamite and we were all gonna go to that party?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, those were the good old days, let's get on with it

Fine! Alright, opening statements

Look.I've known this woman for five months now and Berg thinks he can just waltz right in there and close the deal

I object! Close the deal?

I would like to apologise for his attitude towards women

Right. This coming from a guy with a VIP card at 'Topless, Topless, Topless'

They have an excellent wine list

Look, all I'm asking is that Berg stays away from Isabella

Peet.I believe precedent was set sophomore year in the case of Pete Dunville versus Berg and the Red Lobster girl

Now the rule is you can only protect one girl

I, ah, told him that Your Blondeness

See, do you think it's too light?

Alright, look, I love Melissa and everything's great right now, but, I mean, who knows, you know, things change, and what if things don't work out, then what?

What are you saying Pete? That this Isabella is your back-up girl?

Back-up girl? You make it sound so ugly

He's right. How about the girl I'm seeing behind my girlfriend's back!

- I'm not seeing her - Okay, okay, Pete come on

- You're panicking. You've hit the one year mark with Melissa, things are great and you're panicking - I'm not panicking, I'm planning

- Why can't guys just commit? - Here, here!

Shut up..

- You have never had a serious relationship in your life - Nor have I pretended to

- Alright, alright

Pete, if your heart is in the right place with Melissa, then Berg going out with Miss-Too-Sexy-Too-Be-Friends-With shouldn't bother you. As much as I hate to, I rule in favor of Berg

- What? - Sorry Pete, either commit, or get off the pot

-That's not fair - Hey, hey, hey. Her Legginess has ruled

Alright, last delivery. 845 Arlington

I'll do it

- No, that's okay, I've got it - What is with you two?

Oh, you're lucky you didn't upset my cheese

- Deliver the damn pizza - See, Bill wants me to take it

Fine, go ahead

Really?

Be my guest

Okay

- Hey, how'd Melissa take it? - What?

Oh, I just assumed you ended it with her

Alright Berg, you win

I'm doing this for you AND Melissa

AND to get covered in paint

If it happens along the way, sure

Hey, Berg. She loves it when I bring over freshly grated parmisan

Really? Thank you

Football is a lot like life

- Oh, Mr Bauer, I beg you - Pete

You've gotta tackle your fears head on.

What we do here, today, on this field will affect the way we live the rest of our lives!

- You know, Mr Bauer? - Yes

I do know Mr Bauer

- Tell him he's right - Now go get em!

- What happened to Pete? - DELIVERY! Delivery?

Oh, I don't believe it!

'She loves freshly grated parmisan.' Moron! OH!"

Great to see you too Berg. Where's Pete?

He's on a delivery

Oh okay, I'll wait

He, uh, might be a while

Oh, it's alright. I'm gonna surprise him and take him to dinner cause he was so cute at my play last night.

Oh, you should have seen it. He went backstage and asked all of my kids for their autographs Is that not the best?

Well, that's our Pete

Yeah, that's my Pete

Oh, ah, Melissa you know, I gotta go. Delivery

Bye!

- Where's Pete? - Delivery

- Where's Berg? - Delivery

Why are two guys delivering one pizza, and why is the pizza still here? What the hell happened?

Come in

- You know you really shouldn't just leave the door open like that - Pete, I was expecting you! I'll be right down

Oh my God

-Hi - OH my GOD!

Pete, don't you just love candlelight?

I think about it constantly

The way it dances off the walls and makes everything look so beautiful and romantic

- Look, I can't do this. You're great, but I have a girlfriend. And? -Pete, I?

Ssshhhhhhh?

just let me explain

Her name's Melissa, and while I don't know if she's ultimately 'The One'

I do know that what we do here, you know, on this field

Affects the way we live the rest of our lives and I don't want to be that kind of person. I'm sorry

- I don't understand. I? - Oh, I know, I know

- Pete! Pete, don't - Berg, what are you doing here?

Before you do anything stupid, though completely understandable

- I have to apologise for forcing you into this situation and I? - No, no, no Berg

- It's okay. I told Isabella about Melissa - But I just?

Sssshhhhh?

And if you two wanna go for it, I'm not gonna stand in your way.

Look, this guy is the best, you two would be great for one another.

Do you like Christopher Walken?

Forget it Pete, it's not worth it

We've gotta remember the first rule, which is that no woman comes between us

- Am I missing something? - Oh, look. I'm sorry. But this is just the way it's gonna have to be

I, ah, think you're gonna have to find yourself a new pizza place

Honey, who was that?

- That was just the pizza guys - Oh great, where's the pizza?

Ah, they didn't bring one

Move

Come on, further

- Hi - Hi

- I'm Jim - I'm Sharon

I see you out here a lot

Yeah, you never miss a day. Rain, wind, dark

Yeah, nothing can keep me from running

Really?

''Ahhhh''