Original subtitles

- All right, wait, wait, wait! You ready? - Yeah

- Hi..- You've..- Reached..- Pete..- And..- Berg

- We're..- Not..- Home..- So..- Leave..- A..- Message.. - After..- The.. - Beep

- That - Sucked

Good morning! I'm Pete Dunville, lecturing for Professor Yanikov

The Kremlin

A big, ugly, building in Russia No, I can't say that

- Ah, great you're here! I can run this speech by you - Hey

- Whatever you need - ok..

- The Kremlin. Commissioned in 1550 -- - Help me move the couch

Was to commemorate Ivan the Terrible's -- why are we moving the couch?

To make room for the dance floor

Ivan the Terrible?

- Berg, what have you done? - Nothing

I just happened to run into Bethany outside of work this morning

Happened? Berg, you had to happen on two trains and a ferry to get there!

-Hey! I haven't seen her in a while - Yeah, and life was good

What do you have against Bethany, huh?

Nothing! Except everything you run into her you turn into a bumbling fool

So untrue!

Berg, I don't get it!

Get what?

-I just feel like moving slowly on this one... - It's been two years, and you've never asked her out

Oh, yeah? Then how come I invited her to a party tonight?

Here?

How great is that?!

I'll go over to Melissa's

- You can't - Why not?

Because Melissa's coming over here

- For what? - For your birthday party

-Berg, my birthday's not for seven months - But your party's tonight

Berg!

Pete, it wasn't my fault, okay?C'mon!

I was asking her to dinner

I really was...but then she got that whole soft, pouty look happening...

..and you know her hair

Then she smiled...

..and I panicked, and it just came out...

"Come to Pete's birthday party"

You weren't there!

- Happy birthday - It's not my birthday

Yeah, well, whenever it is, now I'm covered!

Duly noted

Whoa, Berg, she's cleaning -- she must be mad!

Great! This place is a mess!

What's wrong, Sharon?

You know....

a guy asks you out, and usually you expect a call sometime during the week, saying you know like maybe where, or what time --

Who, the doll salesman?

He happens to be the VP of marketing for Barbie

a multi-million dollar corporation

Doll salesman

Maybe he got back together with his ex

Or maybe he just forgot all about you

Maybe he's on a conference call with Ken

All right, where's the new Scrub Genie?!

I think it's in the bathroom but you don't want to go in there, it's scary! No, stop! Don't...

Why are you torturing her?

Sharon's phone

It's Barbie Boy

Um, she's in the bathroom, could I take a message?

Yeah, 7:30, Copperfield's

I'll let her know. Thanks

- Hey, was that my phone? No!..

We'll tell her later

- Don't you want this place to look good for your party? - Berg, there's no party. Party bad!

I have to nail this lecture tomorrow if I have any hopes of teaching undergrad next semester!

I need this party, Pete

All right, one condition

- Name it - You finally tell this woman how you feel

What do you mean?

-Forget it! No party! - Okay, I'll tell her tonight...I promise

And...I want everyone outta here by 10:30

Done!

Arrrgggh! Why am I about to say yes?!

Because you fight on the side of good!

- Mr. Bergen! - Barney! Fitzey!

- The party robe! - Epic!

I wore it for the kids

- There's the boy! - Hey, what happened to your guys?

We had a fight. Fitz here tried to tell me it wasn't your birthday

- And you cut his tie off? - Chewed

Why so tense, big guy?

He's gotta give a speech

Speech, speech, speech, SPEECH! WAOOOOOO!

So...you all set for Bethany?

Yep! Tonight, I'm going to play it cool

No going up to her, no talking to her every second...

be relaxed, enjoy myself, flirt with other girls

Why don't you just ring her doorbell and run away?

Happy birthday...

- Oh, thanks - I thought your birthday was in May?

Nope, that was just a rumor started by my birth certificate

- Punch?

Nah, I gotta get back. The two knuckleheads who were supposed to work tonight called in sick..

but then they did order a dozen pizzas... so, look I made 'em special.

Look, the number 30 out of black olives

Yeah, I do love to work with my toppings

I'm 24. Why did you make me 30?

You get better presents

I don't wanna be 30!

Act your age!

Hey there! Happy birthday!

- Melissa, you know it's not my birthday... - Oh, come on -- how many people get to turn thirty twice?

Jell-O Shot?

Oh, thank you! That looks lovely! I would love one

- No, thank you... - Hello, Mr. Doom-and-Gloom, be fun

- Oh, that is good - Yeah, well be careful with 'em, they're lethal

There's no fat in Jell-O!

No, no, that's not what I meant, I mean they're mixed with vod--

C'mon Pops -- let's party!

Speech!! Speech!! Speech!!

- Hey there, Party Guy! - Bethany!

And in this corner, wearing the blue disgusting robe that has never, ever been washed, Michael Eugene Bergen!

- Glad you could make it - Oh, come on! I wouldn't miss it for anything!

Well, what if both of your legs were caught in a bear trap, and...you had a cold?

I'd chew myself free, and take a decongestant

I love a girl with a plan

- Barney needs more punch! Bethany! - Rocky and Bullwinkle!

-Hey!! - Hey!!

-Hey! - Stop!

Boris need a refill!

I'm going in -- do you wanna come?

Um...no, um...I'm just gonna hang here; but you're welcome to --

Hey guys! Wait up!

Hey everybody! It's Bethany!

Ha ha!..Oh, yeah, that's gonna stain

Nasdrovia !

Don't tell me, don't tell me....Bethany

Berg, do you realize we've known each other for almost two years?

- No...two years? - Yep. You walked right up to me at O'Malley's

and introduced yourself, and knocked a pitcher of margaritas into my lap

Oh, yeah...I was, just uh, trying to put out the fire in your pants

Anyway, I

Ho, ho, ho, ho...Oh, God

It's okay, it's okay, it's okay....I'm gonna go get some club soda

What is everyone doing in my room?!

What are you -- are you out of your mind?!

You didn't have any more clean glasses

That's it. Everyone, OUT! C'mon....

out, out!

So what did Bethany say?

Aw, Berg...

Oh, Berg what?

You poor fool! Oh! I love how you never give up! God, that is just so romantic

You know Berg, you make up for all the doll salesmen out there that don't even bother to call

- I, uh...thought you were gonna to tell her - No, you were gonna to tell her

Man, would I hate to be friends with us

Pete! Let's DANCE!

- No, no, no... - C'mon, we never dance anymore

Now that you're thirty, things are changing! Where did the time go?!

-Listen, the time went nowhere, and I'm not thirty! - Yes, you are!

- You think I'm too immature for you, don't you? - Melissa, how many of these have you had?!

All different colors...

all working together!

Why can't people get along like Jell-O??

- All right, you dingbat, come on...let's get you some coffee... - Coffee? We don't need coffee -- we're Jell-O sisters!!

Wooooooo!!

- OW! - Sorry

- Good party, huh? - Yeah, yeah...I mean, look, now it's 10:15, and you're in here with me!

- I'm pacing myself - Berg

Pace your ass out there and tell her how you feel. You have fifteen minutes left.

Alright...I'm goin' in

Did you invite the police?

Duhn-duhn-duhn-duhn-duhn--HEY! Duhn-duhn-duhn-duhn-duhn--HEY!

- Bethany, I have something really important to tell you... - Sure...

I'm really, really sorry about this officer.It's my thirtieth birthday party, so a bunch of my friends came over...

and you know...it just...kinda got out of control...But, I promi --

-Hey!! Pete! Can I be of some help? - Mr. Bauer! Hi, how are you? No, I have things under control here

Can I see your identification?

You don't need to see his identification

We don't need to see his identification

This isn't the party you're looking for

This isn't the party we're looking for

-He can go about his business - You can go about your business

- Move along - Move along

WOW!! Mr. Bauer, thanks!!

May the Force not be with you

- Get it? - Yeah, yeah

Soooooo? What happened? What did she say?

I just wanted to test the waters...

- see how important I was to her -Great, and?

And, I looked her right in the eye...

-Uh-huh? - And she smiled back...

Uh-huh..good. And?

And told her...

I'm moving to France

Say what?

You only gave me fifteen minutes. It was the best I could do!

Berg! Berg, what are you afraid of??

Mostly clowns...and mimes

You know what, I give up. You're pathetic Everyone! I'm sorry! It's 10:30

Fountains...

FOUNTAINS!!

"Have fun". That's what she said. I tell her I'm moving to France, and she says, "Have fun"

Well, Berg...what kind of girl is gonna go, "Oh, swell, you're moving out of the country? Let's start a relationship!"

- Speech! Speech! - You want a speech?!

Alright, here's your speech!!

Hey!!

Look what the guys on the softball team bought me! Ehh!!

And check out these! Huh?! And you guys missed an incredible tournament! Full-contact hopscotch! Bill was unstoppable!

And Bernie ate a fern! Roots and all!

Okay, what put you in such a good mood?

After they threw me into the fountain, I had a couple of these to help me warm up, I looked around and said, Hey!

It's my birthday!

It is not your birthday

Oh, don't blame me because Bethany is out there having a great time, and you're hiding in here packing my clothes

Why are you packing my clothes?

So Bethany can feel the pang of loss when I walk out that front door on my way to France

Okay, he's lost it...

You guys...you guys don't know how I feel

Oh, come on! At least Bethany showed up! Whereas I got completely blown off. That's worse

No, it's not

Trust me, it is

No...it's not

Yes, it is

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah!

Well, I'll have you know that you didn't even get blown off. Doll Boy did call, and WE FORGOT TO TELL YOU!

I think you owe me an apology, sister

- You--!! Ugghh!!!!!! - Ow!

Berg, come on! Look, when I just starting to enjoy myself -- why are you doing this to me??

I'm not doing anything to you!

Oh, no, no, no... see, what happens to you happens to me -- and right now, my life is a circus all because you're trying to get into some girl's pants!

Hey! It's not like that, Pete, okay?!

-Whoa... - Wow... - Yeah...

No, no, no, no...this can't--...love??

This stays in the room

What is it about this girl that makes me so crazy? Her voice....her smile...

- And the fact that doesn't just fall at your feet? - Yeah, and what is the deal with that??

Berg, you're in the middle of a relationship that I don't think she knows she's having

- Maybe I should just stick with women I don't care about - No, Berg! You have to tell her!

Listen to me! I know. I'm thirty

-There you are! Awww, Happy Birthday Petey - Thanks

I've got to take off -- I have an early meeting

Awwwww...I think I'll miss you most of all, Scarecrow

Ooohh....you have a safe flight, okay?

Uh, Bethany...I need to ask you something...

Can you give me a ride to the airport?

Berg...you're not going to France, are you?

- Well... - No, no, no! Cut the crap! What's with you?

You're right. I'm not

This isn't even my stuff. The truth is...

Pete's dying.

I'm actually going to the airport to send some stuff ahead to Paris. There's a clinic there.

But Pete looked so great! Running around, having fun...he was singing!

Yep, that's one of the symptoms

- I'm sorry... - That's okay...

But I heaved on your new slippers!

- I told you those things were lethal - But they were so pretty!

- I told her - Ah, good for you

- If it's any consolation, when my uncle Roy was dying -- - What, you told her I was DYING?!

I'm so sorry, I thought that she knew --

For the love of God, help me!

Bethany, I'm not sick, Berg's not moving to France, I'm 24, and my birthday isn't 'til May.That about covers it, right?

Yeah

Berg, what's with all the lying and the games??

Look, I like you

I like you too

No, I mean, I like-like you...or love-you-like-you...or I'd like to love you?

Oh, Berg...I've thought about this moment for such a long time...

Me too!

I just always hoped and prayed that it would never happen.

What wouldn't happen?

This! C'mon Berg -- you know I, I love hanging out with you and stuff, I just -- you know, I don't...feel that way...about you.

Oh, God, I'm sorry...

I threw this whole party for you

That's very sweet! I, I didn't ask you to...

Well, it would have been a fairly odd request if you had...

Oh, Berg...can we still be friends?

Probably...but, uh, I've really had my fill of personal growth for the day...

- Bye - Bye

- Speech! SPEECH! - You know what?! Speech this!

Orion...the hunter...

- I did it - And?

Are you pretending you weren't watching from the window?

Isn't that the way we play this game?

Man...I'm surprised you identified me without dental records

- That bad, huh? - Brutal...

Good

I'll punch you right in the mouth

Berg, I'm serious. Look, it's good to get stomped on every once in a while. Reminds us that we're human

And this might -- and notice I say might -- mean that you're one step closer to a relationship

B-uuugghhh!

I gotta hand it to you -- you know, this was...outstanding

You know, most people don't get to enjoy their thirtieth birthday party

because they're too freaked out about turning thirty.

Well, I'm always looking out for you

And I got to watch you suffer

- You get enjoyment out of that, huh? - I really, really do!

- My present to you - Thanks

-Pete...! - Speech, speech, speech, SPEECH! - Speech, boy! - Go get 'em, Pe-co!

Don't stop now, bad boy -- you're on a roll

- Alright, you want a speech?? - YEAH!!

Speech... A speech... The Kremlin. Big ugly building in Russia is surrounded by fountains --

FOUNTAINS!..FOUNTAINS!...FOUNTAINS!