Original subtitles

- Shower drain still clogged ? - Yup

look at us Pete life seem dull lately ?

Not anymore, now that I have to learn to drive with one eye

so, fun day at the park ?

- I got kicked off the team - now what'd you do ?

- I spiked the second baseman - that's all part of the game

- our second baseman - oh, yeah that's wrong

I'm in right field, I cut off a ball and gap, and fire rocket to second

schmeco drops it and tells me: "try not to throw out your shopping arm"

that's when I reared in, and I cleared him in the chin these co-ed softball leagues are all sexist

co-ed, as in boys and girls working toiling, sweating together towards a common goal ?

Hardly, they're forced to have at least two girls on the team

So they hide one of them in right field, and bury the other one as a designated hitter!

Yeah, cause they wanna win kidding, kidding, kidding

you know, I have the perfect solution

- come play on our team - yeah

- we don't have a team - Pete, I have a dream

a dream, where women are free to roam all fields, not just right

but center, left, and yes, even short stop

- even pitcher ? - Sorry kid, that's man's work

I am through ...

Pete, here's the roster

you, me, and seven gorgeous babes, in skin tight baseball pants

Hah, this sounds great, but you know me, I hate to lose

Who said anything about losing?

- What is the number one college women sport in the country ? - Basketball

- after that - volleyball

- after that - softball

softball

- and what's the city, with the most colleges ? - Boston

right-o, we recruit seven gorgeous ringers,

from the finest women softball teams in Boston, what do you say?

Play ball

we'll practice

- Bill, if you sponsor us it'll be great publicity for the pizza place - yeah, like the 1985 Beacon street little cheeses

- yeah, they made the headlines - for being the first team in little league history to lose every game

there're always drowning their sorrows in my free pizzas

they got so fat I had to drive them to the game in groups of three

- but this isn't little league - yeah this is us, it'll be fun

come on bill I bet you were quite an athlete in your day

- what do you mean "in my day"? - Did I say "in my day"?

Well I can't play anyway Ellen won't let me wear a cup

- excuse me? - We're trying to have kids

and I read some articles in the doctor's office

that said you're not suppose to heat up you n...

your t...

your ... area

- come on Bill ... - hey hey hey, the man said no, no means no

thank you Berg

I guess the league champ this year will be Tessio's pizzeria

- Tessio's? - Yeah

you know, our friends down the street, the ones who slip their coupons into our pizza boxes !

When they're not doing that

they're out there winning big softball trophies

with no one to stop'em

but no big deal

When do you need the uniforms?

If we get them by the end of the week we'll have a game this saturday

- ok, when do we play Tessio's ? - A week after that

- Bill, Bill, where are you going ? - As a gesture of our sportsmanship and goodwill

I'm going to go over to Tessio's, and wish them the best of luck,

and as I'm leaving, I'm gonna stick my menu in his front window

- yeah - ok, so when do we get to meet these ringers you've been bragging about ?

No time like the present, Sharon, Pete, let's give it up for your Beacon street pizza all stars

meet our out field, Madeline, Jennifer, and Michelle,

our third baseman Liane the riffle, and this ... is ... Bunny

- you expect me to play with a team full of chicks ? - Hey squirt, three of us play for Boston college

- I play for Florida State - and I play the main stage at "topless topless topless"

she strips, to take me out to the ball game

wait wait, Sharon, what's the matter, you're afraid you're not gonna be the best girl on the team?

- We'll see, alright girls, let's hit the cages - oh, I don't feel like dancing

- the bating cages - oh

- alright, eight players, we're one short - I know, I was counting on Bill, but this cup thing caught me off guard

- alright, who're we gonna get ? - You know ! I love baseball

but they said I threw the world series, I was banned from the game and thought I would never play again

then one day, this couk in Iowa tears up his farm to make a baseball field, he built it, we came

that's, that's terrific, listen, we're just gonna step over here into reality

- yes - Pete, it's pinball girl

ah, she comes in here just to torture me

"ease his pain"

look Pete, you've been drooling over this girl for three months, go talk to her

- no, she's way outta my league - "go the distance"

Pete, don't you see, now we have a softball team look, don't forget why we got into this

- what? To be shallow and manipulate women ? - There you go

can I have some change?

- Um - thanks

"don't be a woos"

ah, excuse me, can I talk to you for a ... hi, um, you know, I couldn't help but no...

hey look, here dad wants to play catch with you

you know I couldn't help but notice that you are a really good pinball player you know, nobody hits the crazy horse multi bonus bomb more that you

- thanks - so you must be great at softball

- why is that ? - I don't know

but, but, my friend and I are starting up a team and we're looking for a ninth player

I love softball, when I was little I used to play with my brothers I used to beg them to let me pitch

- that's fine cause we're looking for a pitcher - can you get me on the team ?

I'll have to ask the coach coach says yes

alright

- I'm Pete - April

- so I'll see you saturday 3 o'clock at Bill Bakner park - I'll be there

Pete Dunvill with the play of the day

- hey, how'd my team do ? - 16 to nothing

the empire called the game after the first inning, it's called the mercy rule, saves the losing team from further embarrassment

alright Beacon Street Pizza bring the team in, I'll give'em all free .. Medium .. Salads

- thanks Bill - Tessio is going down

- are you like a compulsive liar or can you control it? - I didn't lie, I said 16 to nothing, I just didn't tell that we were the .. Nothing

I can't believe we lost to .. Flowers By Bruce

- Sharon shake it off, alright, it was our first game, we'll get better - yeah, we shoot April in the head

- well, you know, you know, it's so easy to blame April - actually Pete, it is

- she walked the first twelve batters - yeah, alright, but then she settled down

- she found the rhythm - her home run rhythm

- what was that, six in a row ? - You should've pulled her, he told me I could pitch

alright, Sharon you're over reacting

"Thank you for our first ever win", Flowers By Bruce

- It was fun, you keep in touch

well, look who made a friend

alright, that's it, April's not pitching again since I am you got a problem with that, I'll kick your ass

can I take these flowers? They're really brighten up my kitchen

- what is with her? - What is with you?

- What happened to mister "I hate to lose"? - He finally met pinball girl

well, good for you, but that doesn't help me with the rest of the girls look, they want April out, Bunny, quite frankly was embarrassed

- Bunny? The exotic pole dancer in right field was embarrassed - she's a champion pole dancer

they retired her thong

alright, you know what, forget it, April loves to pitch, and I want April to love me, end of story

boys, I just got off the phone with that stuffed pepper Tessio made a little bet on saturday's game

- how little? We're talking little right? - Oh no, if we kick Tessio's butt

he and his delivery boys and to stand in front of their own restaurant and pass out flyers for Beacon street Pizza

- that doesn't sound so big - dressed as meat-balls and calzones

- and so, uh, if we were to lose ... - 16 and nothing, hey my boys aren't gonna lose, my boys are winners

don't worry, I think you look good in anything

there are three things I don't wear, sandals, turtle necks, and italian food

look, just tell April she can play right field, Sharon will pitch

and we'll move Bunny to second so she can be closer to me on first

- hi coach, can I talk to you for a minute - he'll be right there

you're doing her a favor, she's humiliating herself out there

yeah I know you're right, but she looks so cute in her uniform

just relax ok, take a deep breath, and I want you to

picture you and me, dressed up as a number four combo

hey coach

- April - tough game today

- yeah yeah, you know April ... - Pete, you were so wonderful

anyone else would have pulled me out of the game and stuck me in right field

- yeah but you s ... - but I know you have confidence in me so next game, I'm gonna prove you right

- but I ... - but I know it won't be easy, so we're gonna have to work together every night this week

every night ?

And after the game, we can celebrate at my parents house on the Cape they're in Europe

so what were you gonna tell me?

I ...

ice that arm

- ah, that's better - lucky I'm a doctor, you had a big knot in your thigh

- thanks - you know, I'm thinking of specializing, in exotic dance medicine

- Berg - Bill, Bill! What're doing here?

Came to see my team kill Tessio's why the cheerleader's playing catch?

Those aren't the cheerleaders, that's the team you see, it's a co-ed league

yeah I know, but you only need two girls, you hide one in right field, and you bury the other as designated hitter

oh, April, put a jacket on that pitching arm

April, you're pitcher's name is April ?!

- Hi, I'm Bunny - right field

- what're looking at? - A meat-ball and a calzone

look at the size of the guys from Tessio's oh my God, those are the women!

Play ball

go

- start us off - at the middle

- cute shoes - thanks

okay, I'm going out on a limb here, but I'm guessing you haven't told April she's not the pitcher

- finally, our first hit - of the game

look I'm telling you, Berg, she's been working really hard all week, alright, it's only fair to let her start

alright

alright, these cheerleaders' got game

- alright I'm up - wow wow, send in one of the girls

- yo Madeline, grab a bat - hey Tessio, you don't know a strike zone from a calzone

- I just made that up - really!

Yeah

alright alright, I'm up

but listen, if April starts sucking up a storm out there you're gonna pull

here out and put in Sharon, we can't afford to lose ... this ... game

okay, but if you excuse me, I have some runners to drive in

I think you're gonna have to take that up with the natural

- alright April, a fire in there - ball three

- hey Pete, what size meat-ball do you wear? - Alright, time out, time out

- I know, I know, I have to step towards the plate - no it's fine

- my release point's off - no that's great

losing my concentration I can't stop thinking about you and me at the Cape

remember between the shoulders and the knees

great job April, you're the best okay, she's gotta go

look, she's really looking forward to take me to the Cape

if you don't pull April out, right now, we're gonna lose

- are you willing to sacrifice the team so that you can have sex? - Yes

I've gotta respect that

- you do? - Absolutely

damn, I wish I could respect that look, this is all wrong, it's all wrong

I can't do this to you, I can't do it to the team April, alright, ah ... right field

Bunny second base Sharo

- Cough up the rock - Hey, wow wow wow

- Now listen, Tessio, he loves to crowd the plate. - Not my plate.

- third ball - well well well, look who's on the mount, tinker bell

don't hurt your dusting arm

- Hey, you hit Tessio - He was crowding the plate

- you did that on purpose - come on

- come on - yeah

- wow wow wow, I can't hit you, you're a girl - there're all girls

except those two

- hey it was nice working with you - it's been a real pleasure

yeah

- eat at Tessio's best pizza in Boston - Pete, smile

wait wait wait, my sauce is crooked

- say "cheese" - bite me

- man, Berg, Bill is never ever gonna forgive us for this - oh relax, he's got a healthy sense of humor

I'm not even talking to you guys

now how can you tell me, that genetic engineering could possibly benefit society?

Through out human history, we've been frightened by technological advancement

- yet we've always adapted to it - he's right, it's not the technological advancement that we should fear

but the misapplication of it by unstable minds