Original subtitles

Pete, they're leaving

Bye Sharon Bye Sharon's date

Hey Sharon you're right He does look like a young Sean Connery

Remember you just met No further than second base

Oh, she hates us so much

It's driving me crazy

Tell me about it, so far I've counted six otomans and only two chairs.

What could Mrs. Wexler possibly do with six otomans?

Ok, sunday is our one year anniversary, Melissa and I

And I know she's gonna make a big deal out of it

Why do I smell peaches ?

10:30 am after 24 hours of testing Peachy Keen cream my skin feels unusually soft and supple

"Hey man, how're doing ?"

Wait wait wait, "Michelle" Bergin ?

They're only taking women

what am I gonna do with you "Michelle" ?

Here, let me help you with that

oh that's good why don't you guys just lie right across the steps ?

Pete, look, sarcasm

do you have any idea how happy I am that women is finally moving out ?

- Meanwhile you steal her T.V. guide every week - oh, like she ever knew

Mrs. Wexler oh, we're sure gonna miss you

yeah, and your oatmeal butter scottshies

you're such sweet boys goodbye Peter, so long Berg

Mrs. Wexler, I'm really sorry to see you leave

I'm sure you are now how you're gonna know what's on T.V. ?

- Happy anniversary - how did you know ?

- Melissa told me - ah, you hear that, she's telling the neighbors

Melissa, is that the little school teacher who laughs during intercourse ?

Hm, yes that's, hm yes

God bless her I guess she'll be yakking it up on sunday night !

You hear that, Melissa is telling everyone she's completely out of control

- yeah, we should get someone really great to move in here - you're right

what're you doing ?

I'll just set up our own stringing process before anybody even gets to the landlord

and how do you propose to do that ?

I still have Mrs. Wexler spare keys she gave me for emergencies

- and T.V. guides - shut up

we'll just, show the apartement ourselves

- sneaky, vaguely unethical, approved - wow wow, Pete, Pete, what do you think ?

I don't know, I've only been with her for a year why is she doing this to me ?

Ok, so basically you want someone who's not gonna bug you someone who travels

someone who travels will be huge

she probably got her entire kindergarten class cranking up macaroni cards

- a pilot would be great - we should invest everything we have in ranzony

- or even better than a pilot, a stewardess - they're called flight attendants now Berg

I apologize, that was sexist

no kidding, and I am not about to live next door to some short skirted sky slut

hey, let's take a vote Pete

- my God, I have to get her a gift - see, that's two for stewardesses

why do I smell peaches ?

- Pete, a little help here - got it

Berg, you've been on the clock for 45 min and you already had 7 slices of pizza

- I'm hungry - so is my family

3:15, starting to experience an unusual increase of appetite and Bill's being mean

ahem, you'll never guess where I found our flyer Berg

- at the gym - at the gym ?

- Yeah, in the women's locker room - no

I don't even wanna know how you got it in there !

Oh, that reminds me, I've gotta give you your sundress back

hey you guys, look what I just found in the ladies room isn't this your building ?

Ok, now that's a coincidence aw

- yeah, that's our building - and since when did you two become the landlord ?

Since we changed the number on the "For rent" sign to Sharon's apartment

Sneaking into ladies rooms ! Huh, that is just low !

Don't get sanctimonious with me missy Where'd you put your flyers ?

- We're talking about you now - I said where ?

Couple of monasteries, the yoga institute, school for the deaf

- Aha, so she wants someone low-key and low-maintenance and he wants ... - Halter babes

- Speaking of which, you should check you machine - oh, good idea, I bet dozens of naked women have called by now

Look you guys, I'm sure you're gonna find a compromise I mean maybe a deaf mute with a double D cup

yummy

I gotta go sweetie, I gotta hit the supply store by 5 monday is paper papier-m�ch� day

you think I don't know that ?

- I can't wait for tomorrow night - yeah, me too

- Man, Sharon what am I gonna do ? - Shh, I can't hear

oh, this one must be one of yours some girl named Honey Labrador

she sounds naked oops I deleted it

hello, a little help !

- Here you go Sharon - oh, thanks Bill

did I leave, am I here ?

- What ? - What ?

What am I gonna got Melissa for our anniversary ?

I dunno, how about a nice bracelet ?

- Are you kidding ? - What ?

Look Sharon, the bracelet as we all know is just a large member of the ring family ! And that I'm not ready for

- how about a cappucino maker ? - Ah, that's too intimate

- coffee maker ? - Possibly, if it's a ten cup, but anything smaller well you know ...

we're celebrating the moment of our lives

hey Bill, what did you get Elen last year for your anniversary?

Oh, I got this picture of us and put it in a frame.

Yeah, it was a picture of me and Elen walking on the beach at the Cape

and I took these little sea shells we collected, and I bleached them, polished them, glued them around the frame

even sprinkled glitter on them so they can shimmer like the waves ...

what ?

That is so sweet see, why don't you do that ?

No, picture says portrait, portrait says family

- and what's wrong with that ? - I don't want to lead her on

I know, why don't you give her a picture of you in bed with another girl !? You know, so that it doesn't lead her on !

Come on Sharon, I love her

- then a gift should say that, why is so difficult ? - Because I don't want it to say too much

- you know Pete, nothing says I love you like a pathetic lack of commitment - Berg, it's saturday, and our anniversary is tomorrow

- Pete, in my experience the gift of saying I love you is all you really need - I appreciate that Mr. Bauer

- on our anniversary my love and I made something ... - and we're on

it started with a little piece of clay

I sat behind her at her potter's wheel as it spun and spun

the wheel is turning faster and faster

our hands working as one, clay flying everywhere

But then, tragically, I was murdered by an embezzling co-worker

My one regret was, I never got to tell her I love her

All I could say was "Ditto"

in the end it took a hilarious black psychic to bring us back together

huh, thanks for the help

- so, how long have you been in the circus ? - Six years

out ... standin !

- Just for our files - doesn't that hurt ?

- No, not at all, I'm double jointed - oh, yay !

- Huh, can I see the apartment now ? - You know, it looks just like this one, only with no furniture and a couple of rats

and I think somebody chopped up somebody in the bedroom it's good meeting you

- I ... - Bye

she seemed ... neighborly

you only liked her because she can lick her own back

- and you're saying that's a bad thing ? - Let's just go over our choices

fine

- ok, um ... now, I'm leaning towards Max Larsen - no way, he lives with his mother and drives a van with no windows

Well, he likes his privacy

- because he's a serial killer - you know Berg, you're being impossible

fine, you know what ? You just take your little files, and pick the one you want

because my opinion obviously doesn't mean anything, it's always about you so just do ... whatever

what is wrong with you ? You're irritable, you're eating like a pig, you got teary eyes last night while watching a T.V. commercial

hey, the guy just called to say I love you mom

if I didn't know better I would say you're PMSing

oh, sure, just blame it on PMS Sharon, that is so ... typical

- I found it, I got Melissa the perfect gift - good for you

- Haha - It's a toaster

yeah, I need you to wrap it for me and, I'm taking her for a romantic dinner at "La Boh�me"

I don't know, that toaster is gonna be a tough act to follow

see, she's been complaining about her toaster for a few months, so this just shows her that I'm listening

- yeah, I'm sure that what she's gonna take away from it - look Sharon, this gift says everything that I wanted to say

what, that you passed Sears on your way home ?

- Hello, anybody home ? - Ok, that's her, you watch, she'll love it

- hey guys - wow, you look great

Ok, I am so excited about giving you my gift I couldn't wait another minute

- I put a lot of thought into you gift too - I'm sure I'll love it, just, open yours

- keys ! - Keys, to my apartment

- sweetie, I already have keys to your apartment - no you don't, because these are keys to my new apartment

apartment D, upstairs can you believe it ?

It's just, it never would've occurred to me if it hasn't been for Sharon and Berg

I mean, I knew guys would want someone you'd like, so I tracked down the landlord, and ... well ... here I am

Pete got you a toaster

how can you medical people go around playing fast and loose with something like ... estrogen ?

Well, I'm sorry I lied, but you've gotta help me I'm in a bad way, I'm taping "guiding light" man

- so what'd he say ? - This PMS thing can sometimes last for several days

really ?

Are we too moody to work ?

Hey, how's it going ?

- Bloated - good

you know what ? Thanks to you two, I have been at the store all day looking at dust-ruffles

- really - yeah, if you too haven't been playing landlord, hanging up flyers all over Boston

I wouldn't have a girlfriend for an upstairs neighbor

oh, you know, this could be good for you when Melissa takes that apartment, you're closer, you spend more time together

before you know, you're moving in, and after that, well, people boy

I'll be honored to have your engagement party right here at Beacon's street pizza we take prices of course

- my God, he's right - we're not gonna have the party here

- no Melissa, this is way ahead of my schedule, she can't move in - why not ? She meets my requirements

she's quiet, she's single jointed

nothing to it, I, am holding out for the back-licker

face it Berg, I win

oh yeah, Sharon, imagine living next door to someone who comes home from work everyday happy and fulfilled from molding the minds of children

after you've spent your day selling chemicals that soften the eggs of penguins !

I'll kill myself, Melissa can't move in

- Pete, you have to tell her - I can't, she'll hate me

Pete my boy, I think I'm maybe able to shed some light on your situation

you're screwed, fill her up Bill

she said six, it's six

- maybe she changed her mind, maybe she decided ... - you're kidding yourself

I've got to fire somebody

- oh, my, God - Mrs. Wexler !

That explains all the cookies !

Hey neighbors who wants a brownie ?

Doesn't seem like she changed her mind !

- Ok Berg, go on - fine I'm just waiting for the right moment

and when would that be, my wedding ? Sharon, go, come on, go

ah, Melissa, look, yeah, I think there's something you wanna know, ahm

I can't get to sleep at night until I blast my stereo really ...

- that's really good - thanks, I love baking you know, cakes, cookies, pies, anything

- really, it's moist - oh, thank you

- what're you doing there ? - Oh, just taking hold of the release valve on the disposal

- it's always the first thing to go - you bake and you plumb ?

Sure, shower heads, toilets, Pete showed me, it's really very simple

wow, I'm very impressed, I'll keep the music down

I also know CPR, fire safety and flood control

this girl's amazing, she's like super neighbor !

You're out, you lost your stuff kid I'll take it from here

look, Melissa, when this apartment came open, I saw this is a real opportunity for me to meet someone

now, this has nothing to do with not wanting you in the building but ... but ... these ...

Oven mitts they've gotta go ! I mean, little otters ?

A good mitt should be more functional than decorative

when people ask me who is Melissa, I don't wanna have to say she's the girl with the cow oven mitts !

I mean, oven mitts shouldn't make that kind of statement and point frankly I don't know who would want to !

Damn, I promised myself I wouldn't cry

God, what is wrong with you Berg ? You're ranting !

Melissa, I don't want you to move in here

yes, we're coming

- don't just stand there, say something - like what ?

Like I've just got punched in the stomach ?

- Melissa, how could you spring something like this on me ...

- spring something ? I sprang this on you ?

- Yeah, you did, you put me in a really uncomfortable position - oh God, I'm really sorry Pete

- oh, how many times have we discussed living together ? - I know, but nothing about next door

ok, I thought this at least would be a step, you know

- it's a pretty big step - you bought me a toaster

I thought wow wow, at least he's listening to me you know I mean a gift where it says something

and a toaster says, I wanna make breakfast for you I wanna spent my life with you

- I guess sometimes a toaster is just a toaster - oh look Melissa, this is silly

I mean think about it, if we weren't having this stupid anniversary, everything would be fine

you know, we'd go out to dinner, we'd go the movies, we'd go to Carvel

it's not enough anymore, a relationship has to keep going

- it's like a shark you know, when a shark stops swimming ... - it dies, I know

and we've stopped swimming

ok, which leaves us where ?

Dead

wait wait wait, come on Melissa, maybe we just need a little break

no, no, we've done that, it doesn't work you know, we just wind up getting back together again and then ...

breaking up and then getting back together again and ...

I know, but that's just because ... you have the ...

- I dunno - Well said Pete.

Melissa I'm sorry look, I'm sorry

Look, I'm not saying this is all your fault.

I just can't live in this limbo anymore.

it just, hurts too much

happy anniversary Pete

- bloating ? - Gone

- appetite ? - Normal

- emotional ? - Yes

I'm kidding

hey Pete

- what you got there ? - Ah, stuff from Melissa's apartment

- you ok ? - It kinda sucks but ...

- yeah I know - you know I keep telling myself it was for the best

anybody wanna back me up on that ?

So, how'd guys leave it, still gonna talk ?

Yeah we're still friends, we've been through a lot

- so what am I suppose to do ? - Yeah Pete

I hope you and Melissa really gave some thought to how this is gonna affect Berg

no no no, what am I suppose to do when I see her, around the neighborhood or the pizza place ?

Do I like, hide behind a mail box, do I say hello, do I try to trip her ?

You say hi to her you big dummy, when she comes into the pizza place, you treat her like everybody else

yeah, you screw up her order and give her the wrong change

- you realize of course this is all of Berg's fault ? - Yeah I know, no kidding, thanks for introducing me to her

hey, I told you to date her, not to get involved with her

fair enough hey, boroz game ? Five minutes ?

Ok

You know what Pete really needs right now?

What?

- Compassion - no kidding

and a hot stewardess to move in

Huh, God, her belly button is double jointed

Left foot green

- Huh, you guys are so losing! - And loving it.