Original subtitles

Pete, beer me

Sharon...

YOU'RE WELCOME!

THANK YOU!

Lets go guys, I'm double-parked, and the ambulance driver's gettin' ticked!

Shhh! Just wait This is important

It's Xena

- The Warrior Princess. She's unbelievable - Yeah, I'll say. It's 16:03 and she's got implants

And right now they're in peril

Which is why the Celtics are the single greatest franchise in NBA history!

Hey, now we have something to celebrate That is the one thousandth time you've told me that!

Come on, Berg, let's go, let's go, let's go!

- Pete, the game doesn't start for over two hours! - Yeah, I know, but you need to be there for warm-ups!

- Why?! - 'Cause, we're playing the Bulls!

The Celtics...are playing the Bulls

You...didn't make the team

Okay, can we please go??

- You watch the Celtics, I'll watch Xena, and we'll meet up later - Berg, what are you talking about? You have to go!

Double-parked!! Ambulance still blocked!!

They're sliding in the gurney!!

Berg, you have to go

And believe me, I'd love to, but...Xena really needs me

Look, Berg, I promise This time you'll have fun!

That's what you said last time

Well, I'm sorry, you just weren't showing enough Celtic pride!

It was an exhibition game! Against the Globetrotters!

They were supposed to lose!!

- Still, I think that the team needed your support -- - Pete, let's face it

You suck the fun right out of it! I mean, when the Celtics win, you're an obnoxious, babbling fool -- and if they lose, you pout for three hours and listen to...Air Supply!!

We're not gonna lose!!

*We*...are not playing

We're just sitting there, eating and drinking, for two hours, while you pretend you're the coach from seventy-five rows back

Ha ha! Atta boy Berg, keep that fire up!! Okay, team!

- Let's get 'em!! - Woooo! Celtics!

Green fingernail polish, that's a start

Okay, I'm wearing green panties!

Oh, c'mon, Berg, Berg, Berg...

I need you there...

All right, just stop giving me this 'Spanky forgot to feed Petey' look

I'll be there for tip-off

Berg, we - are - gonna - have a - great - time!

Ha, ha... Go away

Well, today...we learned all about the letter 'B'

We baked bread, we studied butterflies, the student of the day was Billy Bumstead

Oh? Well, I learned all about the letter 'S' today

That I'm a self-serving sellout who's giving our environment a super slaughtering All, for a sports car and a salary!

That was excellent!

- You know, I envy you - Yeah, right...

No, I'm serious. I mean, you wake up every morning looking forward to your job

- Yeah, for the most part - You come home everyday feeling good about yourself

- I try - You make a difference in kids' lives!

- I make $18,000 a year - Ewwww!

Hey! Snacks!

C'mon, c'mon, DEFENSE!

Thanks -- Come on, pick it up!

- Lanes! Lanes! Why aren't they staying in the lanes?! - I don't know, I'm sorry!

- Oh, hey Pete look! - What, what, what, what??

There, there, there! Way, way down there! I think it's a basketball game!!

All right, look, there is no such thing as a bad seat at a Celtic game

Yeah, sure -- because two miles below us is the single greatest franchise in NBA history

Yeah, the Bulls

Come on, come on -- slow it up!

SLOW IT UP!!

Yeah, see, see?

This is why these are the best seats in the house! Up near the rafters, next to the Celtic championship banners *this* is where the real diehards are

Isn't he cute??

Come on -- Murphy was all over him!!

- DEFENSE!! DEFENSE!! - Not now

We have the ball

Man, I can't believe Berg is missing this!

One...more time, and the Tooth Fairy's gonna owe you 24 bucks!

Ladies and gentlemen, please give a welcome to this evening's lucky ticket holder, who will watch tonight's game from the Celtic bench..

Mr. Michael Bergen!

No, no, no, no! No! He didn't even want to come!

Hi Pete! I made it!

- Worst game I ever saw in my life - What, are you kidding?! They won with a three-pointer at the buzzer

Listen to me!

Hey, hey!

There he is! My man, Berg -- the Celtics' sixth man out of Beacon Street Pizza!!

Bill...BILL! It's okay...let's not make it a big thing

Do you believe it? You, the biggest Celtic fan in the world, and Berg winds up on the bench Heh-heh!

Bill, you have a keen sense of irony

All right, what's with him?

I think he's still a little miffed at Berg's big ol' Mardi Gras head on the scoreboard

The Jumbotron adds four hundred pounds to your face!

Oh, I think it's past somebody's bedtime...

Look, Pete...I tried to get you down there with me I begged the PR guy, only I didn't know where you were sitting

Did you ever think of looking at the ticket?

He took the ticket once he knew that I was...well, the lucky one

- Honey, you can't blame him for being the lucky one! - Yeah, but I can hate him for it

This behavior right here is *exactly* why I wanted to stay home Pete, look me in the eye and tell me you're really upset

- I think I see a smile coming on! - Nooo!

Heh, heh, heh and you sat right next to Larry Bird!

Your favorite player

Bill, do you have some kind of stake in pissing Pete off?

Heh, heh... LARRY BIRD! Heh, heh, heh...

Well, Larry now coaches another team, but...they had the night off

Really? I wasn't aware of that

Go on, Berg! Go on!

Tell him! Tell him what you talked to Larry Bird about for two hours! Tell him!

Well, strangest thing

Larry and I both went to Camp Pomahack

But get this The Camp Pomahack Larry went to was in Indiana

Mine...was in Albany!

Two Camp Pomahacks!

I don't care! Anybody?

Pete, I found you that photo of Larry Bird on the Mike Douglas show...

My life is now complete

Hey, wait! Charo! And Gabe Kaplan!

I can't believe you got to sit on the bench Man, you had thousands of Celtics fans cheering you on

It meant *nothing* to you. Berg, I've been dreaming of that my whole life

I had a dream once...

to dance. I wanted so badly to join this one company I could taste it.

Sure enough, one thing led to another I got the audition of a lifetime

It didn't end there, did it?

Why, no

With my unique blend of classical ballet and raw stripper moves

I got them dancing on their chairs Best of all, I never had to go back to that damn welding job!

What a feeling!

Okay, that's it

- Look, we're staying at your place tonight - Okay, sweetie, that's fine

Uh, night, you guys...it was...really fun

Okay...can you believe the fart she cut in the car?!

Forget her...is Pete acting out or what?

Oh, come on Berg Whether you mean to or not you ruined it for him!

- I didn't even want to go! - Well...maybe you can figure out some way to make it up to him

What would Xena do?

Now...is it just me, or is he dancin'...like he's never...danced before?

Berg?

Berg! Huh

BERG!!!!!

This is great

I knew you'd love it

Berg, this is, without a doubt, the best gift I have ever gotten

Naaah...

How on earth did you get it?

Remember the MacGyver when he had to get into that federal vault using only a stapler and a Q-Tip?

YES!

This is amazing! It's fantastic!

It's a felony!

Only if they find out

Berg, this has to go back It belongs to the Celtics!

- Says who? - Says the banner

Berg, look, they earned it, not me

Oh, I get it. So all of a sudden you're...*not* on the team

C'mon Berg, get real

Think of all the aggravation you've been through watching their games

You're telling me

Think of the hours you've spent...in line, waitin' for tickets in the snow

Yeah.. One time, I got home, and my body temperature was seventy

Pete, you deserve this as much as anyone...

..and on behalf of the Boston Celtics organization, I hereby...want you to have this

Berg, I don't know...

Pete, come on, it's just a glorified bedspread!

They'll never know it's gone!

More on the outrage sweeping Boston over the championship banner stolen last night. We go now to Jeff Colly with tonight's top sports story. Jeff?

A city violated -- legions of Celtic faithful are carrying signs, pleading for the return of the 1981 championship banner

Some offer forgiveness for its safe return, but threats of retaliation can also be heard

Do you believe this?

What?

Some lunatic broke into the Fleet Center last night and stole the '81 championship banner

From the Celtics?

No, from Cirque De Soleil

- Bill, I'm sure it was just a prank - Yeah, I'll give you a prank

When they catch this clown, his face goes right up on my dart board, which means banned from Beacon Street Pizza. This boy will *never* get a slice of pie, anywhere!

Bill, there's other pizza joints in Boston

Oh, what, you don't think I talk to Little Caesar's?

Or Domino's?

Or The Hut?

Hey, we're all connected -- www.atsatastypizza.com

So, Bill What's the uh, big reward?

Small pizza and a medium beverage!

I'm sure they'll just make a new one

Make a new one...you just don't make a new one! That's like Xeroxing the Mona Lisa!

No, these people should be caught and strung up by their go-betweens!

Maybe we should keep this to ourselves?

All right, which one of you boneheads took my hair dryer?!

Oh...my...God...BERG!!!!!

What kind of *creep* would steal a Celtic banner?

I don't know about you, but I can't go to work today...

Can I talk to you guys for a sec?!

She knows

- She does? - Play dumb

We are dumb

Are you guys nuts?!

I'm Nuts...

This is my partner, Pretzels

What seems to be the problem, ma'am?

You know what's gonna happen when you get caught?!

Caught for what?

Oh, cut the crap! You are not dealing with normal people here! These people are sports fans

These people barbecue in their cars!

- Okay, well that's why we're not going to tell anyone! - You have to give it back!

But Sharon, it's in poor taste to return a gift

Thanks to you guys, I'm now an accomplice!

- Why are you an accomplice?? - Because, I now know who stole it!

- Who asked you to go to our apartment? - Who asked you to steal my hair dryer?!

Who asked you to take it back!

I WASHED MY HAIR!

And that's *our* fault?!

Don't *ever* do that again!

I stole something once

- Mr. Bauer, nobody stole anything - It was me and the Nazis, in a race against time

The future of mankind depended on me retrieving the Ark of the Covenant

Excuse us...

Get back here!

You were saying?

A word of advice: Do not open that chest

It has unspeakable powers that no man was meant to possess

What do you think of the hat?

Berg, why can't we just drop it and run?

Because, then we won't get a reward

Wait...I have a bad feeling about this

You had a bad feeling about Shopping Cart Polo

Yeah, and I broke my wrist!

Yeah, and you met a nurse!

We're gonna get caught

- Trust me, okay? - Berg..I like my go betweens

You're forgetting

We're the guys who recovered the Ark of the Covenant!

Okay, we're going to go to jail!

No, no, no... I'll go to jail, you'll wind up with the lucky prison number and they'll send you on a cruise

- Just relax - Berg, I don't think you realize how cute we look to larger men!

And from the fans! Hell, you'd think I stole the damn thing!

No, how 'bout *you* come up with a positive spin to put on this thing, and when you do I'll name a candy bar after you?

I don't know, nuts, nougat...look, leave me alone!

Whaddya want?

- Remember me? You walked me down to the bench? - Oh, yeah -- the lucky ticket guy

What's that, a four thousand calorie thank you note?

Perfect, I'll die tonight and won't have to come in tomorrow

You're gonna love this...

Thank God!! Where'd you get it?!

We found it!

-You *found* it?! - Yes we did!

Well, listen, it was really nice meeting you. Take care

- And wait 'til you hear how we got it! - Oh, God...

Go ahead, tell me...

Berg, it's such a boring story...

This man is too modest

After the game, we ran into a group of Bulls fans in a bar

And they were bragging about how they stole the banner

So we followed them out to a car and there they were, tying it around a big rock

And they were taunting it

Sure !

So we tailed them over to the BU bridge, where they stopped, and hurled it into the Charles River

SPLASH!

Pete here...overcoming his childhood fear of water, dove into the river, and saved the banner

Soo...

What do we get?

What a great story!

Now, uh, let me get this straight

You stole the banner, got scared, and brought it back

Yes, sir

Security!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, okay?

We didn't steal it

I...stole it

For him

You see this guy here? This *is* a Celtics fan

This guy sits in the seventy-fifth row he can barely make out the players, much less the court but he is there

Two hours early, for warm-ups

Well, you know they play the way they practice...

And he turned a guy who couldn't care less about the Celtics into a real fan

Really?

Oh, Pete, when you see a game from the bench like that...

Where the hell's security?

- Okay, look! Look, I don't want to tell you your job, but you're a PR guy, right? - Yeah..

And you can either vilify the most dedicated fan in history,

or you can turn him into a hero

After all, I mean, isn't that what Celtic tradition's all about, making heroes?

That...is the biggest crock I've ever heard

But I think I can sell it and save all our asses!

How come you can never find the organ player?

This is -- this is unbelievable! Look, the parquet floor!

Butter

- Hey, Pete. I thought you said the best seats are up there? - Up there are the best seats...

If you're up there. But, down here this is heaven

Only you can commit larceny and wind up with floor seats

Look, we're up by twelve

We?

Ladies and Gentlemen, your attention please. The Boston Celtics would like to give a warm welcome to the young man who recovered the 1981 Celtic championship banner, Mr. Pete Dunville!

Hello? Oh hey Lar

- Who's that? - Larry Bird

Larry, Larry, Larry. Larry let it go

-Berg, give me the phone! - We had archery, Larry

Give me the phone!!

Well, so what?

- Berg! - Field hockey is for sissies!

Berg, give me the phone! I want to talk to him!