Original subtitles

Cut it out. I'm trying to watch

I will rip off *your* arm- -and beat *you* unconscious with it!

Ahhh! My arm!

Get away from me with Pete's arm!

Berg!

We got a choice this month

Either lose Cinemax or we sell our plasma

Have no fear

- I got it covered - Oh Berg, no more medical experiments

Just remember my eyedrop experiment *paid* for that couch

Hey, Berg. What color would you say that couch is?

I don't know. Blue!

It's just product testing

"Marathon Personal Trainers - You'll Never Run Alone."

All I have to do is wear these for 26 miles and record my experience

10:38 am - they are comfortable, with firm support

Congratulations! And welcome to your Marathon Personal Trainers!

Oh Pete! Can I keep them? I swear I'll take care of them

Oh Lord, give me strength

Stop putting your sweaty shirts in my laundry!

- It's one shirt - With the *stink* of six

And if you're through with my travel mug?

Actually-

Slow down. You still have 25.7 miles to go

- Are your shoes talking? - Caught your attention, did they?

10:40. Babes dig 'em

Berg, do you notice anything different about our Sharon?

No, nothing

Except that somebody gift-wrapped her neck

Come on, it's a scarf

Ted gave me this scarf. I think it's cute

- Ted? - Ted?

- Berg, she has a Ted - Yes, Ted! His name's Ted

Just not used to them having names

Well, he's got one and it's Ted and I gotta get to work

- Work? Or is Ted whisking you away to scarf warehouse? - Or House of Scarves?

- Scarf depot - Cheapy scarves

You two have fun

All right, we'll see you tonight, right?

Oh, right, you know I have plans

- It's Thursday. You *can't* have plans - It's your night to come down to the pizza place and watch us work

Sorry

It's unlimited toppings night!

Guys, if it's okay with you, I'm trying to have a life

Me, me, me, me, me, me, me!

- I'll say. Did you slip my shirt back in the bag?

- Yeah. And my boxers - Excellent

And if you guys need anything else, just call for me. My name's "Hey!"

"You're darn good-looking."

Ten miles. Keep it up, champ!

Keep those sneakers quiet or I'm going to tear their tongues out

I'll just lower the volume

4:47. Feet are happy. Bill's ticked

- How was the Celtic Game last night? - Ah, Sharon canceled on me so I had to take Melissa

Oh, what a shame. Having to go out with your own girlfriend

No, I love Melissa, just not at a Celtic game, you know? I mean every time they miss a shot, she says, "It's gonna be okay, sweetie."

- What does Sharon do? Ah well, Sharon screams: "Hey! You make 7 million a year. Make the f****** shot!"

And the other day she was supposed to come with me on that bus tour of historic Boston-

Where the guys dress up like er- Minute Men?

Yah. We sit on the upper deck and when the guy says, "This is where Paul Revere took his midnight ride-", we both yell, "Yeah! On your Mom!"

Exercising the First Amendment

When I do that bit with Sharon, people laugh When I did it alone, they said, "Honey, move away from that man."

- Hey, guys! - It's Sharon, come to watch us work

Couldn't stay away, could ya? You're just in time. I was just about to stuff a pepper

I'm not here to watch you guys work. I came here to pick up a pizza

Hey Bill, is that order for Ted ready?

- Teedd... - One large pie. Eggplant, mushrooms and green peppers

- Yuck! - My God!

You see, first, he's got you wearing scarves, then he's got you eating vegetables Next thing you know, it's "Come on Sharon, let's smoke some crack!"

What's in the bag?

- Videos - What kind of videos?

None-of-your-business videos

Berg! Come on, give it back!

Sleepless In Seattle, When Harry Met Sally...

These are all Meg Ryan movies

- You hate Meg Ryan - I know

But Ted thinks I look like her

What was that?

What is this guy doing to her? That is not our Sharon!

You're more right that you know

Have you noticed people have been acting strangely of late?

Almost as if they're not really themselves or should they look the same, but inside?

Why do you always have to talk to *me*?

*Pod* people

Pete, there's a delivery

Yes, Pete, hurry. *Bill* needs you.He'll be right there- *Bill*

Welcome back! Ready to run?

Hello, Turner.Good morning, Hooch

Berg!

Why is there no hot water? You were supposed to mail the bill

Sharon hasn't been around all week so I couldn't score stamps

Oh well, listen. I'll give you the name of her connection- The Post Office!

Remember to breathe

Okay, I'm going to start hating those now

Leave them alone

All they said was "Breathe"

You had it in for my shoes the moment you met them.

You never even gave them a chance

You just assumed because they're shoes, you can't be friends with them

I'd rather be friends with them than with you

That wasn't nice

All right, I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at Sharon

I mean, she's completely thrown off the balance off our-

--delicate eco-system

Plus, we have to watch small TV

We can't go on living like this

I say we march up to her apartment and set things straight! We take back our laundry

- Borrow some stamps- - Grab a quick shower

And let her apologize

Nothing can stop you.You're a winner!

8:40. Firm arch support and

-emotional support

Pancakes

Honey, we're home!

Sharon!! Sharon, there's something wrong with your door!

Excuse me. Can I help you guys?

- We're looking for Sharon - Shhh. She's still asleep

I'm Ted and you are-?

We're Pete and Berg

We live downstairs

- We all went to school together. We're her *best* friends - Oh really?

Well it's nice to meet you, Pete- er, Bert

I'll tell Sharon you stopped by

- You know what? - What, *Bert*?

I say we start hating him, now!

Ohhh, look at me, I'm Ted

Sshhh, you might wake up Sharon

What is the deal with him?

I don't know. But we don't get to see our Sharon because of *batter boy*

I don't think so

- We need to extricate him from her life and ours - And fast

You know, Turner and Hooch were talking earlier

- They said something very intriguing - Don't quote your shoes

"Stay close to the leader, or the race is lost."

What do you think they meant by that?

I-don't-know

I'm going to take them for a walk in the park. Try and get it out of them

Okay, kids. Look what I got! Home-made playdough

- Ooh, now what do we say? - Thank you!

Ewww!

Rachel, someday when you grow up and you meet someone you really like, you won't think kissing is so yucky

Ewww!

Hey guys! What's up?

- Ted said you stopped by - Ted?

You mean the guy who's never heard of me

Ohhh no, no, no, he's heard of you. You're er- *Bert*!

I'm sorry! But when you're first starting to date a guy, you don't lead off with "Hey, my best friends are two *good-looking* guys who live downstairs."

Give us a sec

Er-hem. Okay, the "good-looking" thing, valued try

- But it doesn't get you off the hook - No way

- Melissa, help me out here - Oh sure. I'll be right back

- What's up? - Okay. When you first started seeing Pete, did he tell you about me?

- Absolutely - See?

- Really? - Yah

I remember the first night Pete and I made love, you screamed, "Knock it off down there Pete, or I'll shoot your whore"

It made me curious about you

- Ohh! So they're curious about Ted - Look, all I know is the three of you together can be kinda intimidating

I mean, it's a tough club to get into, you know

Plus, there's a two-drink minimum

No, no, no. Rachel, we bind our food, not our friends

You're right

We're not being fair, we should get to know him

Great! I am free every night this week but tonight

Tonight it is

W-wait, wait! I want to be there

We'll be fine without you It'll be just us guys

- Guys' night out - W-wh, I'm a guy

You lost your guy rights when you put on the scarf

Okay, fine. But behave

We'll just be ourselves

Please don't. I *really* like this guy

Fine, seven o'clock, Mahoney's

Fine

Keep your eyes *wide* open

Show no interest or excitement. Don't trust *anyone*

- Hey! How ya kids doing? - Just fine, *B-i-l-l*

I'm Bill!

*Remember to drink plenty of fluids* - Hear, hear

Okay

- 7:02, we meet Ted - 7:03, we liquor him up and troll his soul for deep, dark secrets

- Then we tell Sharon what a louse he is - By 10:45, we're back in front of her big-screen TV where we so *rightfully* belong

- For Sharon - For Sharon

Does this make us selfish?

Not at all

Look, Sharon's not acting like herself and any guy who forces her not to be her--

--ought not to be with her

Sold!

Pete. Berg

- Guys, I'm sorry I'm late. I got held up at the gym - It's okay. Got to work off those pancakes

Well actually, I'm in this Big Brother program and the basketball game went into overtime.

I couldn't just walk out on Bobby, not after his mother and father did

Who wants a drink?

Hey, guys! What're you having?

- The usual - This round's on me

- The usual, of course, being martinis - Double

Extra olives

- Boy, they saw you coming, huh? - And a club soda

Club soda?

I'm sorry, fellas. I've got an early deposition in the morning

- Come on, I got a class - Well, it's a really important case

Blow it off!

- Sharon warned me about you guys - So, you're a lawyer?

Man, that must be tough. You know, capitalizing off other people's misfortunes

N-no, no, no. I'm in environmental law

That's where I met Sharon You see, my firm is fighting her chemical company

There I was, making a passionate plea to the jury about all the trumpet swans that were killed

I pointed accusingly at the defense table...and there she was

He, er, defends swans

Here you go, Thurston Lovey

And a club soda

- Whoa, did you feel that heat? - Oh man, she was all over you!

You think?

- Definitely! - Couldn't be more obvious

Ever since I met Sharon, I just don't pick up on that stuff

It's okay, okay, just club soda

A little red wine should get this right out

O-okay!

Trumpet swans, big brothers? Soda, come on!

Don't let him suck you in

Right, anyone with a yard this nice has to have something buried underneath

You're absolutely right

No one's this perfect. We'll find out what's wrong with him

- For Sharon - For Sharon

Okay Berg, stop fooling around

Yah, right. Ha! Ha!

You're faking this

Berg, are you faking this? Berg, Berg! Tell me you're faking this!

You saved his life!

Show off!

- Pete, Table 3 - All right, in a sec

Before it petrifies

Go along, Pete, you don't want to upset *Bill*

Hey Bill, what are we going to tell Sharon? She's on her way over

What, you didn't like this guy?

-He was all right. He's responsible. He's generous

- He's loyal - He's completely wrong for us

Who cares about you? Is he good for Sharon?

I don't know. I mean, she's been acting really weird ever since she's been with him

- Yeah,she's not our Sharon anymore!She looks different,she acts different,she's- - Happy

W-why are you looking at-

ohh... no!

*Pods*! They got you too?

I'm the only one left!

Whatever you do, don't fall asleep!

You know, Berg, let's face it I never thought I'd say this but Mr.Bauer makes sense-

-not that we're *pods*

You know, about Sharon being happy. I mean, Ted is perfect for her.

I mean I always knew someday we'd lose Sharon

I just didn't think it would be this soon

- We're gonna have to be- - N-no, no, don't say it!

-mature - Oh there, you said it

- Alright, here they come. Let's not screw this up for them - All right

- For Sharon - For Sharon

Hey! Look who's here!

- Sharon! Ted! - Hey guys!

Good to see you!You should see this guy unclog a windpipe

I heard! And what were you doing, drinking martinis?

Hey, hey! Er, can we get you guys something to eat?

Bill!

You did not just snap at *me*!

Er, no. Actually, we're on our way to Vermont

Yeah, Ted surprised me

Ted!!!

Would you guys water my plants?

I am *so* watering your plants

Thank you

- Er, we should be going - Okay, bye

W-wait, wait!

Before you go- Ted, I gotta tell you something this is one great girl

I know

And you two make such a *great* couple

Listen to this man

- Thanks, guys! - No! And you two

We have a real feeling

And she, is going to make a *great* mom!

Pete!

Come on, Sharon! I mean, you feed us. You keep our heat on. You tuck us in at night...just kidding, Ted!

And if your kids aren't blond, somebody's cheating! I'm kidding too!

Okay, bye you guys!

Get out of here, you two! Drive safe

We'll go out when you get back Oh and Ted? Next time, drinks on Sharon

You got it

- I tell you, Berg. We are *such* good guys - I am so proud of us

Look at us! Look - fridge is stocked. Clothes are cleaned. And Tuesday, the gas comes back on

Because I got stamps

Legends of the Rodeo A 32-cent salute to a bygone era

What's wrong with you?

Sharon, what happened? What are you doing back so soon?

Give me my keys. I'm going to bed

- What's wrong? Where's Ted? - At home

Thanks to the *fathers* of the bride

What are you talking about? We were on our best behavior

Yah, well, after you guys gave me away at the pizza place,

we got on the road and he just starts talking to me about.. ..flying to North Carolina to meet his parents

I mean, we're talking churches, good school districts, I thought he was going to pull over and register Crate and Barrel!

- So-- - So thanks alot!

I had a perfectly good boyfriend You guys had to go turn him into a husband

We're being mature

Well, I'm not ready to be mature!

I'm not done being friends with you guys yet

Ah well, isn't that what you wanted - the house, the kids?

Yeah, eventually. But God, not now

So it's over?

Yeah

You know I finally find a guy I really like and he over-commits

Wait a second- You guys have food!

- Wow! I'm impressed - And we're getting the gas back on

Hey, you guys want to go upstairs and watch big-screen TV?

One second

Yeah. But you got to lose the scarf

You know what? We're going to hold on to this for you

You may want it again down the road

26 miles. You're a winner!

I'm a winner!

That's it!

Pete! Get a hold of yourself!

Ahhhhhhhhh!

Turner! Hooch! You're home! Pete, look who's here?

Don't you have something you want to say to them?

Sorry, guys. Come on in!