Original subtitles

- [Ricky] Warning.

The followin' program contains really coarse language,

weed, alcohol consumption, smoking,

and sexual inf-fer-ferlences.

This content may not be suitable for viewers under 18.

To activate parental controls,

please press the big go [beep] yourself button

on your remote control.

[nostalgic piano jazz music]

[birds chirping] [children chattering]

- Holy fuck.

This chick is tryin' to divorce her husband

because, uh, he only bathes, like, once every 10 days.

Who the fuck does, man?

- [Ricky] Does what, divorce?

- Doesn't have a shower for, like, 10 days.

- Randy?

- You've done it before, haven't you?

Yes. - No.

- Ricky, man, you should fuckin' at least shower

every second day.

- If I don't shower every day,

I at least have little bird bath or something.

- What if you're doin', like, lots of bangin'?

- What's a bird bath, Ricky?

- That's where you kinda stand at the sink

pretty much naked.

- You wash your balls in the sink?

- Is that why it always, you got, like, a puddle

in front of your fuckin' sink?

- Well, you just wash, wash everything down.

You don't need to have a shower,

but at least I get cleaned.

- So we're steppin' in his fuckin' ball water, man.

- Is it cleaned or cleant?

- Fuckin' ball water.

- Ball broth. [giggles]

- Cleaned or cleant?

- Cleaned. - Cleaned. E-D.

- Cleant?

- Cleant sounds better.

- Kleent was a, remember the guy that lived down

just outside the park.

Johnny Kleent.

You remember him?

- Was he cleant?

- No, he was a dirty bastard,

but that was his name, Kleent.

K-L-E-E-N-T, Kleent.

Yeah.

Fuck, I'd like one of those pop tart pretzels right now.

- What's inside of 'em.

- I don't know, pretzel dust.

- I don't think they're sellin' them here.

I can't find the fuckin' things.

- They're sellin' fuckin' drugs, man.

- Boys, I gotta get off the liquor.

- You've been just drinkin' all week.

I couldn't even drink last night. I'm still fucked.

- What the fuck? Oh, that's this game.

- Let's, let's do, let's play a game or something, man.

This is borin' the fuck outta me.

I'm not in good shape here, boys.

- Here. [bell dings]

Let's have a fuckin' round of this. I love this game.

- What is it again?

- "If You Had To."

- How does it, what are the rules?

- I can't remember.

But I'm pretty sure-

- Holy fuck, there's more!

- What, more pages?

- "How to raise money for the wedding."

- [Julian] What?

You serious? That's in there?

- "How to survive a honeymoon disaster."

- [Bubbles] How many cards was it you get? Do you remember?

- Wasn't it five?

- One, two, three. One, two, three.

Three, two, three. Four, two, three.

That's fine.

- Four?

- And I'll be the judge on the first one.

[Julian sighs]

So, you guys have to

- So, we gotta give you our best.

- Yes, the thing you don't think I would want to do.

You gotta look at all your cards, Julian,

and pick the thing that you don't think

the Bubbler would want to do, no matter what.

- These suck.

Did you already gave him one.

[Ricky giggles]

- Ricky. [Ricky snickers]

You're turnin',

you're turnin' [crosstalk]

- This is so fucked. [cards slap]

- My drugs are kickin' in. [Bubbles giggles]

- All right. - Fuck.

- Okay, so, we gotta pick one.

- You gotta give me one here, and you give me one here.

Rustle 'em up, boys. Rustle 'em up.

[hand thumps]

- Fuck, I don't know, man.

I guess this one sucks. [hand thumps]

- Yeah, well these, I mean. [hand thumps]

[Julian sighs]

- "You are very slowly melting."

[Ricky snickers]

Ricky, that's a pretty bad one.

- Okay, good.

- That's a bad one.

- If I was very slowly melting?

- Yeah, that would not be good.

- That, I'm probably, that's probably gonna win, Ricky.

- Nice. Like a snowman.

- "Let each of your friends choose a tattoo

to put anywhere on you."

[Ricky laughs]

- No question. It's the fuckin'-

- Oh yeah, that was bad.

But can you imagine havin' a big cock on your face

for the rest of your life.

- Well, that's exactly what I'd have

if I ever let you guys do that.

What would you put on me, Ricky,

if I said you can put any tattoo on me?

- I'll have to get back to you on that one.

[Bubbles hums]

What would you do?

- You'd have a, a, a cock goin' down that way.

- Yeah.

- Connect it to a vagina that would go across your head.

And then a set of balls

and maybe some tits,

right there.

- [chuckling] I can't even picture that.

Can you draw it? That's weird.

- Yeah, I can draw it.

- You know what I would tattoo on you?

- What?

- I would just shadow sculpt your muscles in.

Like, put a shadow right there

so it looks like - All right.

- you're permanently flexed.

And then you'd be my, you'd love me forever.

- That's like that, what was, Jason Mimosa?

He fuckin' had that commercial

where he took all of his muscles off

and he was just this little skinny dude.

- I didn't see that.

- It's pretty funny.

- [chuckling] Are you sure his name's Jason Mimosa?

- Isn't it?

- Isn't a mimosa a drink with orange juice and champagne.

- No, it's a mamoa, isn't it?

- Ah, well, actually, at this point in time,

Mr. Lahey has gotten totally shit-faced.

He, uh-

- Randy, don't fuckin' do that shit.

- Mr. Lahey, he let the liquor do the thinkin'.

And folks, when you let the liquor do the thinkin',

a shit storm will blow in - Julian.

- [Randy] and usually hit ya with shit rain.

And if you get hit with shit rain,

it's just a shitty shit wet messy day.

[Mr. Lahey mumbling incoherently]

- Between me and you, Julian, just a couple of drinks.

- That's right, Mr. Lahey, that's right.

You know, but if you didn't drink so much friggin' liquor,

then I wouldn't have to-

- Who the fuck wants to [mumbling]

- do the whole friggin' show, Mr. Lahey, for frig sakes.

- Okay, all right. [Mr. Lahey mumbling]

[hands clap]

Okay, Mr. Lahey, that's enough, all right.

So, let me just see.

Um, I just wanna say, um,

I've got a great show put together.

I really do.

And I think I'm gonna start off the show light

and lighten things up.

- [mumbling] Fuckin' bottle kids.

- And make it so that things are nice, okay? And happy.

And what better way to do that than to tell a joke, okay?

So, I'm gonna tell a joke, everybody.

And this is a great joke.

I think you're really gonna enjoy it.

Okay. All right.

Knock, knock.

[Mr. Lahey snores]

Chipper, come on, man.

Help me out here for frig sakes.

You know, who's there, all right?

You ready?

- [Chipper] Yeah.

Okay, okay. Here we go.

Knock, knock.

- [Chipper] Who's there?

- Cheeseburgers.

- [Mr. Lahey] Who's there?

- [Chipper] Cheeseburgers who?

- Cheeseburgers can't knock, Chipper. [laughing]

- [Chipper] Fuck off, Randy.

- Chipper, frig off.

Don't make me take my friggin' pants off.

Listen, I got a lot of pressure friggin' tryin' to hold

this whole friggin' show together,

the new and improved "Randy and Sometimes Mr. Lahey Show."

And least you can freakin' do is

help a guy out, for frig sakes.

All right?

- [Chipper] Come on, we're rollin', man. Go.

- Okay, all right, okay.

[hands clap] All right.

I'm keepin' moving.

No lulls in the new and improved

"Randy and Sometimes Mr. Lahey Show."

Okay.

All right, here we go.

Where the frig were we. I made notes.

[bottle thuds]

Okay, okay. [hands clap]

All right, now, in the past, we have always done

a toast of the day.

- Ah, for fuck sakes. [groaning]

- Are you okay, Mr. Lahey.

[Mr. Lahey mumbling and slurring]

Mr. Lahey?

- It's too fuckin' [indistinct]

[Mr. Lahey groans and snores]

- Okay, [hand thumps]

we used to do a toast of the day, everybody.

All right, Mr. Lahey, I think it's just an excuse

for Mr. Lahey to drink more liquor.

And, as you can see, the liquor has really set

into Mr. Lahey right now.

He's not even awake.

[Mr. Lahey mumbles indistinctly]

Yeah, really nice, Mr. Lahey.

Anyway, I think, myself, I work better when I'm high, okay?

I, I mow lawns when I'm high. I, I hit the bong, all right?

So, what I am gonna do, everybody, is-

[Mr. Lahey's body thumps]

- Mr. Lahey.

- Oh, for fuck sakes, Randy. That's too hard.

Oh, cock.

- What I'm gonna do is I'm gonna, I'm gonna have a bong.

I'm gonna have a, here Mr. Lahey.

Let's get you back up on this couch.

[Mr. Lahey mumbles indistinctly]

Come on, you should-

[Mr. Lahey mumbles loudly]

Alright. Okay.

We'll leave Mr. Lahey there, everybody, all right?

Just ignore Mr. Lahey.

I'm just gonna go over here.

I'm gonna kinda get some of my weed.

[Mr. Lahey mumbles indistinctly]

I don't know where my fuckin' lighter, there it is.

Okay. All right.

Chipper, next time have my bong ready, for fuck sakes, okay?

Don't fuckin' leave it all to me.

[Mr. Lahey groans]

All right.

So, instead of havin' the drinky-poo of the day,

we're gonna have the Randy Bobandy bong of the day.

And I got a neat little name for it.

It's called, what's it called?

Randy Bong Bandy, [Mr. Lahey gasping]

the Randy Bong Bandy toast.

That's what we're gonna have.

That's it, 'cause it's, there's a lot of,

the bong bandy matches.

So, I'm just puttin' my dope in here.

[Mr. Lahey groans]

All right.

And, um, Mr. Lahey, pass me that lighter there,

right there.

That's [camera clatters]

not the lighter.

This is the lighter here.

Okay. All right.

So,

what we're gonna cheers to

is dope, okay?

And I got a little tune to go along with the dope.

It goes, to dope.

♪ Dope is great.

♪ Dope is delicious.

♪ Dope goes straight - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

♪ To the end of your penis - whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

♪ Just sit on down and have a toke. ♪

- [slurring] What's the fuckin' [indistinct]

♪ And you will see you'll start to float. ♪

- Randy.

♪ Dope, dope, dope, di-di-dee, dope, dope, dope. ♪

- Randy! For fuck sakes, Randy.

♪ And then you have a toke.

- [slurring] What did ya do when I was [indistinct]

- [Randy] Fuckin' light. [lighter banging]

Fuck!

- [indistinct] When's it start, Randy?

[bong water bubbling]

- What the fuck are ya doin'?

[bong water bubbling]

[Randy inhales]

- I'm doin the dopey Ran Boban, Ran, Randy Bong Bandy toast.

- You fuckin' wrote a show out.

- Well, Mr. Lahey, you were drunk.

I had to write-

- Dope is good. Dope is [indistinct] shit bag.

- It's a good song, Mr. Lahey.

- You got a bong penis. You wrote a penis.

- Well, what I did, a good dope goes right to the end

of your penis, Mr. Lahey.

- What did he wrote the show [indistinct]

fuckin' got me all piss drunk, Randy,

and then you, fuck, get outta my chair.

- Mr. Lahey, you're the one-

- Get outta my fuckin' chair, Randy.

- You're the friggin' one that got all drunk.

- Yeah, you can't teach me anything

about fuckin' liquor, eh?

- You know what time it is already?

I did the stuff.

It's time to do the "Randy's Kitchen."

- Randy, you know, you look like a fuckin' cow's puterus.

[bong water bubbles]

[Randy inhales]

- [Julian] I don't know, what do you do?

- We'll have to make a fuckin' Sunnyvale surprise, I guess,

'cause I'm starvin'.

- You wanna do that?

- What else can we do?

- All right, man. We're supposed to ration.

- Grab your fuckin' noodles and grab your goddamn chips.

We're gonna make what some people call Sunnyvale surprise,

or what the fuck's the other term, a bowl shooter,

I guess, or bowl shots.

It's all we can do 'cause the fuckin' prison fucked us.

Tigers don't even eat fuckin' liver

when they kill an animal.

[packages crinkling]

Sunnyvale surprise is very easy to make.

You just take some basic ingredients,

like ramen noodles, some, like, cheesy chips,

like zesty mordant Doritos or somethin'.

Cheezies really fuckin' good.

And then some kinda meat.

You can use these little baby hot dogs,

or you can fuckin' use tuna.

- Oh, right on. I didn't know you had this here.

- Oh, right on man, zesty mord, perfect.

- [Julian] Yeah, I don't know what flavor, oh.

- Ramen noodles, spicy.

[package crinkles]

All right, so just put these in a fuckin' pot.

Some fuckin' hot water.

- [Julian] Yeah.

- [Ricky] Okay, baby.

- [Julian] Goin' down there.

- Cook away.

I got some fuckin' Cheezies

and some nacho boogles.

- [Julian] Some what?

- Some nacho bloogles or whatever the fuck they're.

- [Julian] Bloogles?

- I don't know, man.

So, you take all this shit, you wanna crush it up

as good as you fuckin' can.

Do you need more hot water in that shit?

- Ah, Rick, see, one thing you don't do

is leave the fuckin' spices- - Ah, shit.

- in the fuckin' noodles when you.

Fuck, Ricky.

- That was a little bit of a fuck up.

- Rookie fuckin' mistake, man.

Uh, there we go.

Look at that.

What the fuck.

Three, man. Strike three.

I'm makin' this next time.

[package crinkling]

- Get these fuckin' things crushed up,

the finer, the better.

Get the flavor runnin' right through everything.

[package crinkling]

- You seriously puttin' fuckin' sausage in there.

- Yeah, man.

We need some protein.

That's for you and your big muscles.

- All right, all right, okay.

[Ricky chuckles]

I haven't had these in years, man.

[package crinkling]

- How's it comin' up?

- [Julian] Ah, she's good, man.

- [Ricky] The cheese logs crush up good.

The fuckin' crunchy cheese logs, not so good.

They're hard, man.

Shouldn't use those next time.

- [Julian] Do you still drink the juice from these things?

- You could pour it in this pot if you want.

I might drink it later.

Make a nice little tea outta that.

[package crinkling]

- [Julian] All right, so where did the wieners go?

- Right in your mouth. [chuckling]

- Fuckin' asshole.

[package crinkling]

- Dump 'em in man.

- [Julian] Okay. All of -em.

- These are the good kind. - [Julian] Holy fuck.

- Fuckin' Maple Leaf.

- [Julian] Protein.

This is the shit, man.

- Probably shoulda cut them up with scissors first, man.

- Usually when we make this stuff,

you could fuckin' sell this easily,

two bucks, three bucks a bowl.

[package crinkling]

- [Ricky] What's that?

- [Julian] Looks like you're fuckin' beatin' off, buddy.

[Julian chuckles]

- I wish, I wish it was like that.

I'd just have no pants on all the time.

- [Julian] If it was like what?

- If it was like that?

- [Julian] Jesus, man.

- Imagine walkin' around with somethin' knee length.

[Julian chuckles] [package crinkling]

- [Julian] All right, this is good, man.

- See, it's almost like Kraft Dinner.

Cheesy pasty cheese or what's it called?

The powdery, powdery cheesy stuff.

[utensil banging]

There we go, Kraft Dinner action.

- Mix her up.

It's fuckin' great.

Yeah.

- [Ricky] Fuckin' Jesus, I can't wait to try this shit.

Gonna get drunk.

Gonna have a little fuckin' feast.

- [Julian] This here, probably get about-

- [Ricky] And find somethin' to smoke.

- two meals each outta this.

Maybe two meals, a little bedtime snack when we're drunk.

- You think that's enough of the powder?

- One more, man. One for good luck.

One more for good luck, buddy.

- And we got extra for the next batch.

- [Julian] Right on.

- In case they serve somethin' fucked tomorrow night.

- All right.

[utensil banging]

- Pull any of that fuckin' liver bullshit on me ever again.

And the other nice thing about this

is once you're done with your hands,

you get to lick them.

Fuckin' delicious.

[Ricky slurping]

- [Julian] Oh, yeah, look at that, buddy.

- Yum.

- I'll give ya, give you an extra wiener in there for you.

- Fuckin' rights.

- [Julian] You gotta wash fuckin' your hands, man.

[Ricky slurping]

Fuck.

- Ya didn't gimme much juice, man.

- Here, here, here.

Strain the juice in for ya, buddy.

Get that wiener juice. - Oh, there we go.

- Yeah. - Nice.

- All right.

So, that's it.

That's how you make, uh, what do you call this shit?

- Sunnyvale surprise or

bowl shot.

Not really a bowl's in here. Should be a glass shot.

- Right on, bud.

Fuck.

Good?

- Fuckin' perfeck.

- [Julian] It's perfeck.

Right on, Rick.

All right, I gotta find another glass here.

- That's how you make Sunnyvale surprise, baby.

Fuckin' delicious.

[foil rustles]

[oven clatters]

[foil rustles]

All right, let's get this fuckin' shit ready.

[packages crinkling]

Ah, fuck.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah, fuck.

[food clatters]

- Okay.

Oh, yeah, look at that fuckin' thing.

[bread pan rattles]

[bread pan clatters]

Get this fuckin' ready.

Cut her up with the recip.

[saw buzzing and rattling]

Beautiful.

[saw buzzing and rattling]

[saw thumps]

Two beautiful warm pieces of bread.

Get those fuckin' buttered up.

Oh, that's a bit too much.

By the time it melts, it should be good.

Set that aside on a plate.

Get a bit of corn.

[corn husk rustles]

Ah, fuck, these are still a bit hot.

Oh, this is fuckin' beautiful.

Cooked perfectly.

Fuck.

[corn husk rustles]

Put a bit of butter on that.

[corn husk rustles]

[Ricky slurping]

Oh, man, that is fuckin' good.

[saw thumps]

Get a little bit corn on the plate.

Fuck off.

[saw buzzing and rattling]

All right. That's lookin' fuckin' good.

Move that over onto our main plate.

[plate rattles]

Fuckin' beautiful.

[pot dings]

All right, time to get the fuckin' chicken goin'.

[drill whizzing]

[drill clatters]

Fuckin' smells good.

Oh yeah, nice and brown.

[foil rustling]

Get the fuck out here.

Fuck!

[fork thumps]

[foil rustles]

[oven jostling]

Fuckin' beautiful.

[saw buzzing and rattling]

[saw thumps]

Put some of that on here.

The only thing missin' now is our fuckin' mashed potatoes.

[caulking gun clatters]

Mashed potatoes, especially if you got kids,

[caulking gun rattles]

they fuckin' love this.

Take a fuckin' pipe tube,

make a little contraption like this.

It's fuckin' perfect for potatoes.

[caulking gun clatters]

Jam this thing fuckin thing full.

[pipe rattles]

Get lots of fuckin' potato in there.

Don't be shy.

Get the fuck in there.

Jam that down a bit.

Guys are probably a lot better at this than girls.

[potatoes smooshing]

[mallet bangs]

All right.

Put that back in your fuckin' little caulkin' machine.

[caulking gun clatters] [potatoes smooshing]

Fuck!

[caulking gun clatters]

Right in my fuckin' drink.

There we go.

[Ricky spits]

Still pretty good.

You can make in a nice little happy face

for your kids or your grandsons.

[plate clinks]

[caulking gun creaks]

[caulking gun creaks]

Fuckin' perfect.

A little bit of gravy.

This is, like, just a turkey bastard.

Get some nice fuckin' gravy on there,

maybe on the happy face a bit.

[baster clatters]

Awesome.

[baking pan clatters]

Get a little salad on a different plate.

Look how fuckin' good that looks.

A bit of gravy on that.

I fuckin' love gravy on everything.

[baster whooshes]

Awesome.

[bowl dings]

[drill thumps and clatters]

[bowl clatters]

Now, look at this fuckin' meal we created

with no fuckin' kitchen.

Maybe you wanna little bit of pepper on that.

You can hook your pepper grinder up to your drill.

Pretty easy.

[drill whizzing]

Put these guys back somewhere there.

- Yeah.

[Julian chuckling]

- Okay.

- Okay.

[Ricky chuckles]

- Jesus.

- Okay, so this is,

this is ones you guys are given to me?

- Yeah.

- [Ricky] Uh.

- I don't know, man.

These are too, these are some good ones.

- These are better cards than I had. That's for sure.

- Okay, this one, I just want this one.

- How come you got three?

I got two that are just about as fucked up.

- You put two in?

- Ricky, I just, well, you can put two in as well.

- What's this for?

- I just wanted you to read that one to see.

I wanted your opinion on that one.

- Okay.

- To see if you would do it or not.

- Are you cheatin'?

- So, I get two. I gotta pick.

- Jesus, that's a-

- Would you do that?

[Ricky chuckles]

- Is he, is he a boy or a girl?

- That's a boy, Ricky.

- Fuck.

- It says, "Hook up with Yoda, horny I am." [giggles]

- What?

- It means bang Yoda.

Would ya bang Yoda?

- Jesus, man.

- Okay, here's- All right, for the win.

- here's the four.

"Accidentally marry your brother's sister

and only find out after your third child."

That would be awful.

[Ricky laughs]

- Accidentally marry your brother's sister?

- Brother or sister, so.

- Oh.

- I don't have a sister.

- Jesus.

- "Eat, as in cannibal eat, the person on the judges' left."

- Hoo hoo.

- Oh, that wouldn't be bad.

[Ricky chuckling] - Jesus.

- Look at the meat on him. That wouldn't be bad.

- Fuck.

- That'd be kinda delicious. - Oh my god.

- "Get rolled in plastic tarp, plastic wrap

and then thrown in a swamp."

- Not fun.

- I don't like swamps.

- See if I can find a-

- "The world's entire water supply

comes from a spigot on your forehead."

- That would suck.

- That would be terrible.

Eat Julian, I would do that if I was hungry.

I would just cook him in a pan.

- Fuck.

- Bubs, man.

- "Accidentally marry your sister and only find

out after your third child"

or, "Have a water spigot with the world's water supply."

Swamp, I could deal with.

Jesus Murphy.

What would be worse to have the entire water supply

of the world come, well, you'd be pretty famous,

and you'd be pretty popular.

- You'd be fuckin' busy, man.

- You'd be very popular.

You'd be almost treated like a god.

Now, if you married your sister

and banged her and had three children.

- I guess at that point, I don't know.

- They're gonna be not right in the head either.

- Yes, you're right.

- They're gonna be crossed up.

I would have to say that one.

Ricky, did you gimme that one?

- Yeah.

- Rick. - Yeah.

- Ricky wins.

- Did your, uh, - "How to spot fake-"

[crosstalk]

did your mom have a brother?

Did you have an uncle?

Did your mother have a brother?

- Yeah, I had a uncle.

- All right.

[cat meows]

- Don't know what happened to him.

- "How to survive if you wake up next to someone

and don't remember their name."

[nostalgic jazz music] [seabirds squawking]

[water lapping]

[boat chugging]

[seabirds squawking]

- [Fish] Oh fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck-fuck, fuck, oh fuck,

fuck, ooh, fuck, fuck, fuck off, fuck, fuck, Jesus Christ!

[metal scraping]

[wildcat roars]

[switch clicks]

- [Announcer] [whispers] Fuck off.