Original subtitles

- Warning. The following program contains really course,

language, weed, alcohol consumption, smoking,

and sexual inferences.

This content may not be suitable for viewers under 18

To activate parental controls.

Please press the go [bleep] yourself button

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[calming music]

- You know how I wanna fight an alligator?

This thing's teaching me some secret tricks

and I am gonna fucking fight one.

- You're not fighting an alligator.

- I can now, cause now I know how to do it even better.

- As opposed to before where you knew absolutely nothing

- But you know what?

I've gotta, I do have a bit of respect for him

Because he's not afraid to fight a fucking alligator

He's tried to and it didn't happen.

But he went out there and tried to do it.

- Ricky, what's the tip?

- If you were on land, you get on the alligator's back

and put downward pressure on its neck.

- We already knew that.

- This will force its head and jaws down.

Cover the alligator's eyes.

This will usually make it more sedate.

- Yeah, Sedate.

- Go for the eyes and nose.

If you were attacked, use any weapon you have

Or your fist.

- No shit.

- We know all this.

- I don't need any weapons.

It's gonna be fucking bare fucking hands.

- You're gonna punch an alligator.

- Right in the fucking eye.

- Can you choke one out?

Can you choke out an alligator?

- Let's find out.

- Cause if you're gonna get on his back

to keep him down, you put him in a chokehold.

- The sleeper.

- Oh, Here you go.

If your jaws, if its jaws are closed on something

you want to remove, such as your arm or your leg.

You tap or punch it on the snout.

- Yeah. Oh yeah.

he's not just gonna be fucking snaggled onto it.

He's gonna snap it right off, you know how.

- I see, You know what?

There's no animal on the fucking planet

that likes getting hit in the nose.

- If the alligator gets you in its jaws

you must prevent it from shaking you or from rolling over.

- Oh. If it roll, got you in, in death row, your dying.

- Cause it can cause tissue damage

- Oh it will rip your arm off

- Oh, it will rip your arm off, man.

- Tissue damage, I think is a nice way of saying

Rip your fucking arm right off.

- Try to try. Keep the mouth clamps shut.

So the alligator does not begin shaking.

- If you can get your hand on his mouth,

he can't open his mouth.

- No, he's got no muscles

- his muscles to open are barely enough to open

the fucking thing

- This is important too...

- But his clamp or muscles.

Oh, fuck.

- This could save your life.

Seek medical attention immediately.

Even for a small cut or bruise.

- You need to read that out of a book.

- Alligators have a large number of pathogens

in their mouths.

- Yeah.

- Okay.

- Filthy creatures.

- Danger zone is within 15 feet. So how quick there guys.

So don't think your safe.

- They're fast.

- Don't think you're safe.

- Don't think you're safe.

- Ricky? Who thought I was safe around an alligator?

I don't go near alligators.

- You do at the zoo.

- But they're in a fucking cage aren't they?

- Did you know they can jump 15 feet in the air?

- They can't jump 15 feet in the air man.

- Alligators can't jump 15 feet

Their legs are fucking six inches long.

- Well what the fuck was that than that can do that?

- Kangaroo?

- Kangaroos can't even jump 15 feet straight up.

You know how high that is? Maybe a kangaroo.

- Maybe they can. Okay.

- Oh, suppose you're walking along and you drop something

and then you forget about it and then you turn back and go,

Fuck I dropped my phone

and you turn around there's an alligator

- Yeah

- Right by it.

- Yep

- This is how you retrieve some shit.

You gotta determine the size of the alligator

Calculate the distance.

- Get out your measuring tape.

Tell him to hold it with his teeth

while you fucking get her back by his tail.

- Make a loud noise.

They don't like loud noises. See?

- No, fuck you

- When I fucking first go at it I'm gonna go.

[Screaming]

And then it's gonna be fucking, ah,

And then I'm gonna get right around back and start

You know

Fucking cunking around his neck.

- Cunking around his neck.

What? What animal are you talking about?

- An alligator.

- Yeah.

- Fuck them.

- You're gonna yell at it.

- Scared.

- Yeah that's gonna fucking scare them.

- It's gonna scare it.

- Six feet.

- Oh fuck.

- 15 feet.

- See they can fucking jump like 20 feet, 5 feet though.

- Yeah. When they're boinking along

they can boing fucking fire that way

straight up.

- So could your mom

I had to throw that in Bubs

- How to escape from a charging rhino. That would suck.

- Ricky

- what do you do?

- Climb a tree.

- What if there's no trees?

- Stand your ground and shout.

- No

- Yeah, Good luck

- No fucking way

No way

- Good luck, I saw how that went in Jumanji

- Yeah.

- Fucked oh well.

- If you do that you're fucked

- [Clarence] Come on Bo lets get me some

different fucking books.

- Clarence, fuck off

Those are the books you're getting. I'm sorry.

- Please tell me you got the HTC done.

- I got the cooker made

- Yes thank fuck

- Right? So I can start pumping out hot dogs

it's all ready to go.

It works? you tested it?

- Yes. It's working fucking great.

And you can pump out as many hot dogs as you want.

- Nice job buddy.

Nice job. All right.

We gotta get some better books going here, man.

What is that? The Cokesbury party book.

- You didn't enjoy that?

- It sucked, it was written in like 1940.

They were talking about having hobo parties and stuff and.

- Yeah, that's hobo parties.

They're fucking hilarious.

- Maybe back in 1940, they were.

- Everybody gets dressed up as hobos.

- But that's not the kind of thing I want do on a business.

- I've read this book 3 times cover to cover.

That is a fantastic book.

And I stand by my recommendation.

- Oh, What about this one than?

A picture book of Prince of Edward Island.

Are you kidding me?

- That's fantastic, you can

- I wanna learn stuff.

- If you hold just at the right spot.

You can convince yourself that you're in prince Edward Hall.

- I don't give a fuck about being a PEI right now.

The only thing I care about right now is making money.

I want something that would teach me something.

I want something

- Oh look, I just got this in

Look at this all gerbils

- What the fuck is that gonna do for me Bub's?

- There's all kinds.

- You just don't get it.

You have no idea how much there is to know about gerbils

until you start reading this.

- And how is that gonna help me?

Oh, I can make lots of money reading a fucking gerbil book.

- Well, I don't, I'm not talking about money, but I mean,

Gerbils is such a great book.

Look, there's a book on the brain.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That one right there.

- Neuroendocrinology.

- That's the kind of shit I'm talking about.

That's the shit you can learn stuff

You know, brains and shit.

- You get one more pick from just from the front area.

Just this area.

- I know what I want. I want this one

- No, no, no.

- No, no, no.

- Great pop stars.

- Great pop stars. I'm renting that one again.

- Bubs you've rented it every week

Since we've been in here.

- Well I'm not finish.

- You're hogging it

- I'm not hogging it.

I put it back.

- It's mostly a picture book

- I put it back on the cart every week.

- It's a picture book.

- I put the book on the cart every week.

- Yes, then you end up renting it out again.

Oh, I know what you're doing with that book.

- What?

- Blondie

[chuckles]

Pat Benatar, Madonna.

Yes you were.

- There's pictures of them in there.

- Yeah okay, So what are you doing with it?

- I'm reading the...

- Reading, reading all the long articles.

The description of each picture.

- I'm reading about Leonard Skinner.

I was and Ozzy Ozbourne.

- [Scoff] Bullshit

That's my book, Great pop star.

- All right go, you can keep looking at that.

Just gimme another book, man.

I want...

- Hey, just wait.

There's one. This one looks pretty good.

The Apprentice Wizard. There you go.

You can pretend you're Harry Potter

- Apprentice Wizard

Well, there might be some shit in here, man.

I believe in some of that shit.

- The Apprentice Wizard,

brains and brains and apprenticeship.

Okay.

Whoa whoa, no

I'm taking that one.

Till five o'clock I'm gonna be down there.

That's when you can come get the thing.

- Come get the thing. What thing?

The fucking hot dog go get it at five o'clock

- Bubs I'm not trying to take that thing out of there.

You know what happens

if I get caught with that fucking thing

trying to take it out of there, I'll get

- I will get searched.

- Yeah. What happens if I kick the fucking thing?

I get searched again. You never been searched

- Bubs you're not gonna get searched.

- That's what you said the last time

and I got fingered.

- Bubs you know I'm sorry that happened

- I listened.

- I know I feel for you, but Bubs

I've got a plan okay?

You and I are business.

- I am not selling your hot dogs

- You are gonna fucking sell them please.

Okay. We're business partners here

- Ill smash the fucking thing

- We are business partners okay?

It's better for me to sit here

Read as much as I can try to fucking get some kind

Of an idea what the fuck were doing

we get outta here. Okay.

- Why can't I have that job. I'd do it.

- I've got it figured out.

- I'd like to be the guy watching dragon and going, oh,

I'm doing research.

- Exactly.

We're gonna get outta here.

We're gonna open up a bunch of small businesses. Okay.

I've got, I'm figuring them out right now.

We're gonna franchise out the fire burn Jim.

- And I'm a business partner

- And you're a business partner.

We're gonna fucking burn Jim's

right across the fucking country if we wanted to

- Julian I can't get caught.

- You're not gonna get caught

Listen, Larry's

Larry's in this with us, okay?

He's getting a buck a hot dog on the deal.

He's in. He doesn't give a fuck.

- You swear? Larry knows.

- I swear Larry knows

- Okay.

- And we're business partners.

- Were business partners.

- No, I want, I want free hot dogs.

[scoffs]

- You can have one free hot dog.

- Two is what I'm getting

- Two?

- I'll tell you right now.

Not doing it for less than two.

- You can take one.

- Two hot dogs, business partners.

And Larry knows that's the fucking deal.

- All right. Just go sell some fucking hot dogs please.

And please get me some better books.

- These books are fine.

- No, this one's fine.

- I'll tell you. That's I'll tell you right now.

If I get fingered, there's gonna be fucking hell to pay

- You're not gonna get fingered. Okay.

I swear to fuck.

I promise you. You will not get fingered.

- Well that's what you said the first time.

And I got it

- Just sell the fucking hot dogs

Thank you.

All right. Love you, man.

Yeah. I feel bad for bubbles because he got searched.

Well fingered, but it wasn't my fault.

I can't be around him 24 hours a day holding his hand.

He's gotta be a little smarter when he is in here.

It's easy. All you gotta do is stick to the game plan.

Sell a shit ton of hot dogs.

Don't fuck up.

We make a lot of money along with the money I've got waiting

for us on the outside with Jay rock and Tina

That's a nice pile of money.

[Elegant music]

- Oh we're rolling?

Thanks for telling me.

Good afternoon, ladies and gentleman.

You might have noticed that I'm sporting my new

Donald Trump look

how do I look?

Today we have a very exciting story

with Jim Lee and liquor stories.

We're gonna be talking about the Christian brothers from the

sand junking valley from California

Way back in 1882.

They blended all these wonderful things.

This, I think it was from, I forget what it was,

but they made this incredible drink.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's a Brandy and this is wonderful.

Christian brothers brandy

can be sniffed

drunk on the rocks.

You can have a high ball

or you can be blended with a fruit juices and coffee.

Or

Ah.

You can just enjoy it just like it is.

This is a story about the resiliency of mankind.

This is a story of Jim Lee.

And his most creative momentary

way back when Barb, when Barb was into religion,

she used to go to church all the time.

She used to make me go to church all the time

and maybe twice a week sometimes

I used to get pretty bored and I was searching around

Like I used to try to do crossword puzzles,

but I wasn't that good at them

You know what I discovered at a yard sale

the most wonderful thing.

And guess what it was.

It was the Christian brothers Brandy book,

and it had eight little bottles of Brandy in it.

Now I, here's one of the original ones.

I'll tell you more about that later.

I took this to church with me

And during church when nobody was looking

I'd take out a little bottle

and I'd have a little drinky poo

And it made the whole thing very, very wonderful.

But on Christmas Eve, we were there

and the service was way fucking longer than usual.

I usually used to drink three or four,

just sipping away like

[mocking praise]

stuff like that.

But then they got there singing these Christmas hymns, ah,

Yes, these one on and on and on.

I was into it for about seven bottles and there was only one

bottle left that's this one and Barb made me

nudge me, made me go up for communion.

So when I was going up to the communion,

I was a little bit tipsy topsy

and I fucking tripped over the alter rail there,

and whacked me into the priest

Fucking bottle went up way up in the air.

Seven empty bottles went flying along in there

came down smashing the thing, booking down

knocked the priest out on the thing.

I went, [mocking praise] didn't work.

Anyway, when the candles got knocked over,

it was a congregation and the whole congregation,

it was like, oh, the humanity.

They went screaming from the church.

And guess what?

I have saved this little bottle as a commemoration.

This is a magic bottle and someday

What?

That's not the one

Who the fuck took my bottle?

Where's my bottle?

This is ridiculous for fuck sake

What the hell's going on here?

Give me my God damn bottle

Listen, did you take my bottle?

For fucks sake

Wheres my magic bottle?

Where's my fucking magic bottle?

[Leaf blower blowing]

- Fuck sakes

[Leaf blower blowing]

Starting to look like a nice Halloween party in here now.

So you can do as many fucking rolls as you want,

The other thing you wanna do for people

That really fuck you around

Flaming shit bags, I fucking love flaming shit bags.

Get some dog shit, stinkiest dog shit you can find.

kind of mash it up a little bit so its extra stinky

You start fucking knocking

Light that on fire and you take off

then they come to the door and they're like, ah fuck

What's this?

Ah, fuck.

I guess I probably shouldn't

have used real dog shit for that.

The flaming shit bags

give some one who fucks you around

a little bit of toilet paper.

I mean, it doesn't really do much.

It just looks fucked, I guess.

So the one thing that always works for people that really

Fucking piss you off ,eggs.

Cuz they're a son of a whore to clean off.

I found over my lives

that the biggest fucking dicks in the world always

live in these big fancy richy type houses.

So there's always lots to aim at.

So I got like a kind of a richy dicky looking house there,

Fucking dicks and they're big stupid houses.

So you take your sling shooter and just

Just disturb them

Pounding them right off the fucking house.

Till they come outside.

Or you can just fucking do it by hand.

Pretend you're pitcher.

If you can hit the house, that'd be really good.

That's why I'm not a pitcher.

There's a nice one.

Fucking bastard.

Fuck I hate dicks

Sometimes we just get so pissed off.

Take the whole fucking carton and just go...

Fuck you, rich fucking fuck

Ah, fuck

Try cleaning that up you fucking asshole.

- I like sake

- Sake's good, man.

- You've never had fucking sake in your life.

- Yeah, I have man.

- What's it taste like

- Liquor, like strong

- Does not.

- What does it taste like then

[armpit fart]

- Taste like hot monster

Just like your mother.

[laughing]

Get it, get it mustardy old thing.

Okay.

- That was not nice, man.

- Is mustard made from yeast.

- It's made from mustard seeds.

I believe

- Your mother must grow them. Does she?

- Yep.

- Cause it smells really bad.

- And they rub flys.

- Okay. I was just trying to make a light joke.

- Well, you really hit it hard

- Didn't want to get into it

you guys are the ones that started talking about the

interior.

- Do you got anything else to talk about besides

Fucking kids dying in rivers?

- Yes, listen to this, this, fucking I want see this.

They found a bird in Siberia, a frozen bird.

- Yep.

- 46,000 years old.

- Fuck off, no birds could live that long.

46,000 is like, that's fucking old.

- It's not alive. Ricky.

It's frozen.

- Well, how did he get frozen?

- He died 46,000 years ago. And he just froze into the ice.

And now he's like fully intact feathers and everything.

46,000 years old.

- You know what if it was.

- He's not 46,000 years old then

he was probably fucking seven or eight.

And then he just.

- Well his body, his body's 46,000 years old

- Why didn't they say that?

- It's confusing

- Because people think the birds fucking 46,000 years old.

He's not old

- No one would ever think a bird

could live 46,000 years, man.

- One person would.

- One. Yeah.

You're the only one.

- What if you were a kid?

- A kid might think that.

if he was, can you imagine if he was alive

and he was 46,000.

- I was gonna say scorpions. You could do that.

Like heat them up back to life.

- What?

- Yeah man. Freeze a scorpion.

- Scorpion.

- Yes you can freeze one.

Heat it up. It's it's good.

- Heat it up how? A Microwave

- That's a frog.

- Just let them thaw out man.

And then all of a suddenly start moving.

- No, that's a frog man.

You freeze frogs and they come back to life.

- Scorpions are the same thing.

- No scorpions are

- Remember when I was a little guy

and wanted to change my name to frog man jackson

- A frog doesn't have a stinger on its back.

- You guys remember that?

- What?

- Remember? I was a little guy

I wanted to change my name to frog man jackson.

- Yeah that was fucked

- I forgot about that.

- It would've been beat up, man.

- I wonder why that was.

- It was weird.

- That was weird.

- So what if the bird came back to life and he could tell us

what it was like then.

- Well if he came back to life and could speak English,

that would be quite a story.

Quite a story.

Hey, what's going on?

Jesus. Is everything ever modern?

That's what he'd say.

- He'd be fucking freaked out wouldn't he?

- Wow. I've never seen a car before.

- What the fuck is all this shit?

- Fuck when I died, it was just snow around here.

- You have to watch him for shotguns

He would've been a lot happier back at 20, 26,000 years old.

- 46,000.

- It was not many fucking things to get hurt with back then.

- Ricky, what are you talking about?

46,000 years ago. There was all kinds of things to get hurt.

- Sounds like the most dangerous thing to him was winter.

- Well maybe you don't know how he got killed.

He though he might have got killed by a cave, man.

- What the fuck is going on here?

- All right.

You and your fucking smart box.

- No they put the, this guy froze a scorpion.

He's gonna bring him back to life.

- How do you know?

- In the microwave?

- I don't know why he's fucking with microwave.

wouldn't think that would help him out any.

- Well.

- Oh this guys fucked

I can't listen to this guy.

- He's got no pants on, what did you search?

he's naked from the waist down.

- How do I get.

- Where's he putting the scorpion now?

- Bubs

- Done, done.

- Jesus, he was putting it up his up his hoop.

- All right. What's going on.

- More death.

You done with death

- Or are we done?

- Yeah, I was just settled.

We were talking about that bird.

- What's the, what's the what's so good about it.

- Well, it's just the oldest bird they have now Ricky.

- What about a pterodactyl?

[laughing]

- Bubs

I can't.

I can't deal with that.

- Whatever. The big, big winging flying fucking thing.

- That's from Fred Flintstone, Ricky.

I mean they really did exist.

Pterodactyls

- Pterodactyls

- Pterodactyls

- Yeah.

- Imagine if there was pterodactyls again.

The cock sucker's wingspans were like 50 feet

or something crazy.

- 50?

[laughing]

- Maybe not that big.

What was the wingspan of a pterodactyl please?

I need to know. I think there was some that were 20 feet.

- Oh, there was some big,

you might be right with the 50 man.

- They were some big cock suckers Ricky.

- Yeah fuck that's big

That's bigger than an aircraft.

- Well, no, not bigger than an aircraft.

They couldn't have been the size of

Fucking Airbus 319, I suppose.

- Wouldn't want one of those coming at you, would you?

- Okay.

- Not if it was had teeth.

- Were they meat eaters?

- They were, I don't know.

They were flying around eating something.

- Planes probably to that big.

- Could a pterodactyl carry a human?

That's what people want to know man.

Holy fuck

It says it could lift a maximum of 500 pounds or more.

- That's a lot.

- So they could lift your mother.

[laughing]

[bird sounds]