Original subtitles

- [Julian] Warning.

The followin' program contains really course language,

weed, alcohol consumption, smoking, and sexual inferences.

This content may not be suitable for viewers under 18.

To activate parental controls,

please press the go [beep] yourself button

on your remote control.

[nostalgic piano music]

[children chattering softly] [birds chirping]

- That is fuckin' cool.

It's my new theater, man.

- [Bubbles] Oh, that's decent.

- I hope it doesn't collapse.

Better not get an earthquake.

- [Julian] No, we're gonna have to strap her down.

I don't want that to fall on anybody.

- That's my, don't forget who owns that fuckin'-

- It's been sittin' there all fuckin', how many-

- I know, but nobody Snoop Dogg gave it to me,

not to anybody else.

- It's in the way, man. It's huge.

- No, I like it up there.

- Yeah, but when it's in the middle

of the fuckin' livin' room.

- It's too big for my shed, anyway.

Fuckin' rattles the walls.

- Stop complainin' then.

- All right. - Holy fuck, boys.

- Okay.

- Welcome to "Park After Dark.".

- Yeah. - Let's have a snap.

- To start the day off, I'm gonna get you guys learnt

about somethin' that might save your life.

- [Julian] Right on, buddy.

- "How to stop a car with no brakes."

Let's see what we're dealin' with.

- Ricky, are you back into that fuckin' book?

- Uh- - Stop a car with no brakes.

- how do you read the numbers again?

- Huh?

- [Julian] Fuckin', throw her in, like, gear, man.

Like, gear down and.

- Just don't guess, man. This'll tell ya.

- You do what Fred Flintstone does.

Just put your feet down

- Put on the handbrake. - through the floor.

[Bubbles giggles]

[Bubbles mimics grinding noise]

- Bubs, that's not gonna,

Well, in his car you could probably do it.

- [Ricky] "Keep pumpin' the brake pedal.

Do not panic.

Shift the car into the lowest gear possible

and let the engine transmission slow you down."

- Well, obviously.

- "Pull the emergency brake, but not too hard."

- [whispering] Fuck, come on.

- "If you're runnin' outta room, try a bootlegger's turn.

You yank the emergency brake hard while turnin' the wheel."

- Yeah.

"Quarter turn in either direction, whichever's safer.

This will make the car spin 180 degrees."

- And then you're goin' backwards.

- No, you're not.

- You're doin' what?

- Ya fuckin' pull the hand break and do a fuckin', you know?

- A quick turn, you spin.

- Do a "Rockford Files."

- Yeah.

That's not a "Rockford Files."

- [Ricky] "If you have the room,

swerve the car back and forth across the road."

- He used to do those too.

- See, this is all shit you would just think of anyway.

- Jump out and just let the car go into the crowd.

Save yourself. [Bubbles giggles]

Not really, I'm just teasin'

- You could, like, go over and, uh-

- Ah this is, that was lame one. Sorry guys.

- Hit the guardrail. You know what I mean?

- Yes, if there's a brick wall,

just grind her to a stop.

- Grind her right to a stop, man.

- Holy fuck.

"How to survive an alien abduction."

- Okay.

- Cover your hoop.

[Bubbles and Julian giggle]

'Cause they're gonna start

anally probin' you right away.

- Is that what they do?

- That's all they're interested in, apparently.

Seein' what's up your arse.

- "Remain calm."

[liquor swishes]

Aliens who abduct human bein's

rarely exert permanent physical harm on their victims.

The best strategy is to remain calm

and endure any experience without resistance."

- Enjoy the experience? Is that what it says?

- Jesus Christ. - Endure.

- Oh, endure.

- "Cover your eyes."

- What, cover your eyes?

- "Press the inside of your elbow tightly over your face

to shield your eyes from the painfully bright white lights

that accompany the abduction."

- You know what you do?

You start fuckin' throwin' haymakers, man,

and just hope for the best.

- Start haymakerin' aliens.

- Fuckin' rights, yeah.

What if they're a fuckin',

you don't know what kind of a bein' you're dealin' with.

- "Focus on remaining-"

- Well, you're dealin' with somethin'

that's gonna try to probe ya.

- It could be a jelly bein' where you just haymaker 'em,

and [mimics jelly whooshing]

- Well, I'd be finding out as fast as possible.

- "Nearly all abductees are rendered insensible

durin' the period of abduction-"

- What if they all look like Patrick Swayze

with fingers that long?

- "and only recover the memory later."

- Why would you say that?

- What if they all look like Patrick Swayze

with 12-inch fingers?

Would you be haymakerin' them then?

- Yes.

- Or would ya just be like, "All right, fellas."

- There's be no fingers comin' near my hoop.

- "And this is what you should chant.

'I am awake. I am alive.

I am awake. I'm alive'."

- As if you'd be sayin' that.

It'd be like, "Get the away from me,

or I'm knockin' you out."

- I'd be just like, "Hey fellas."

- "As you are tractor beamed or ushered up the staircase

of light that leads on to the ship,

that's when you chant, I'm awake. I'm alive."

- I'm awake. I'm alive.

I'm awake. I'm alive.

- "And also you should-_"

- I might be insane, but I am awake. I'm alive.

- "You should be observant,

notin' every aspect of the ship's interior,

clothing, color and shape-" - Always,

always look for the exits is what they're sayin'.

- "of the aliens themselves." - Come on.

- Always be aware of the exits.

- Bubs, is this really happenin'?

- Do you believe people are gettin' abducted

and anal probed and shit.

- "Be cooperative."

- I believe that aliens are out there.

I believe a lot of people-

- Would you wanna get abducted?

- No, I don't wanna be abducted.

- "O-bye, obey the aliens' instructions,

which may range from removin' your false teeth

to learning an alien language or even makin' love

to an alien."

- What? Is that seriously in there?

- [mimicking an alien] Bang me.

[Bubbles giggles] - Call someone.

- Take out your false teeth and bang me.

- "When aliens deposit you back on Earth,

immediately contact a friend or law enforcement."

- Yes, call the cops.

As soon as they pull your teeth out

and probe you, and they put you back on Earth,

call the police. - Yeah.

- "The longer you wait,

the less likely you are to be believed.

And then finally spread the message.

Tell as many people as possible

any warnings the aliens have asked you to communicate."

- Oh yes, get on "Good Morning America" right away

and say you got anally probed.

- That's good to know. [Book thumps]

I'm awake. I'm alive.

[Julian joining chant] I'm awake. I'm alive.

- I'm awake.

- And get banged.

- You should say that anyway, Ricky,

whether you're bein' abducted by aliens or not.

You should just remind yourself.

- You would totally bang an alien, man. Wouldn't ya?

Like, totally, 100%.

- I don't think it's-

- Captain Kirk did.

I think they usually bang you, don't they?

- Well, yeah.

- Captain Kirk banged an alien.

- A ton, a lot.

- That green lady, he banged that green lady.

- I mean, you'd have to do it,

just to see what it was like, I guess.

- I'd be scared.

- He didn't give a fuck, man. He was just like-

- I be scared you'd get in there and then somethin',

you know, you don't know what's in there.

- Like go [Julian mimics crunching noise]

- Like a needle fish.

You try to pull it back out and just shreds ya.

- Ah.

- Ricky, Jesus.

[the boys giggle]

You got a ribbon bird.

- But what if it was just unbelievable?

- Well, that's how you get sucked in, right there.

- You're goin' to another planet, buddy.

- Man.

- They tell me to leave, I'm like, "No, I'm not leavin'"

- Not leavin'.

- Fuck.

- That's the best bangin' I ever had.

[Bubbles giggles]

[trays clattering]

[cups clattering]

- You fuckin' assholes!

[Ricky sighs]

This is fucked!

- Hey Rick, what's goin' on, man?

- Oh, just got fucked around by some glasses

and the fuckin' trays as usual.

Cocksuckers.

- Well, I just got off the phone with him, man.

- You know what, Julian? I think this is a wicked idea.

There's no fuckin' way Bubbles is gonna do this though, man.

- No, he's gonna do it.

- Fuck off.

- He's gonna fuckin' do,

we'll he didn't say yes-yes,

but he's pretty pumped about it.

- Are you shitting me right now?

- Yeah. I mean, I told him what's goin' on.

I didn't tell him everythin'.

But you just let me do the talkin'.

He's fuckin' in, man.

Thank God, man, this is a fuckin' wicked idea.

You might have to give those a wipe.

- I'm not wipin' those fuckin' things.

- Do I have to wash this shit again?

- Well, you're gonna, well, I don't-

- Fuck that. I'll just skip lunch.

- [PA Announcer] Julian, Ricky, visitor.

- Is that him already?

- That's him, man.

- I don't know what the fuck you said, man, but well done.

- Let's go. Positive man, ya gotta be positive.

- Somebody'll clean that up, I guess.

[door clatters]

- [Julian] Hey!

- [Bubbles] Hey!

- [Ricky] Bubs!

- [Bubbles] Hey, boys.

- Hey, Julian. What's goin' on?

- Ah, you know, just hangin' out.

- I'm fuckin' excited, boys. I'm fuckin' excited.

- So are we, buddy.

- You know what, man?

It was a great idea about you comin' up,

gettin' us to come up with a business.

When we get outta here, we don't have to break the law and-

- Well that's, I mean-

- Get her all set up.

- Keepin' us busy, man. Keepin' our minds workin'.

- I told you.

Any fuckin' business you want to do that's not illegal,

I'm on board.

- Well, wicked, wicked.

- I'm surprised you're on board, but that's awesome.

- Well, what do ya mean, Ricky?

I've already, I've been at the truck stop

this mornin', Julian, gettin' to know the guys.

I called the Atlantic Drivin' Academy,

and they can take me at the Fredericton location next week.

I can start if I can come up with the money,

but I gotta figure out how I'm goin' to get Fredericton,

but I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna get my rig license.

It's gonna be unbelievable.

- Bubs, you don't need to-

- Hey, hey. You follow your dreams, man, okay?

- But you don't need get your rig license,

just so you know.

You could be a customer, I guess, but.

- But Ricky.

- What are you talkin' about?

- What are you guys talkin' about?

- Well, Julian-

- Would you just shut the fuck up.

- What did you tell him?

- I can hear. What the fuck is goin' on.

- He told me. Give him the phone.

- He told me-

- Hey, buddy.

- that it's a truckin' related business,

and he needed me to hang out at the truck stop

- It is.

- and get familiar with the routes.

- Right.

- So, I need to get my rig license.

- No, but you can if you want.

Did you tell him about the whores?

- Hey, shh!

- About what?

- Bubs, Bubs, Bubs, Bubs. Okay.

There's a part B to this, okay? I didn't get into it.

- Here we fuckin' go. Here we go.

- Listen to me. Listen to me, okay?

This is the money part of it, okay?

This is the important part.

- Big money.

- Get out your phone.

- And it's not really that illegal.

- And it's, it's awesome.

- Let me ask you one question first.

- Am I or am I not gonna be a trucker

in a new truckin' business?

- Eventually, you will be. You can be a trucker.

I know you can do it. You just pass the test.

Right now, you don't need to be truckin', okay?

But you're the guy. You're the guy in the truck stop.

- So, what is the first part of the business?

- You're makin' this.

- Where I don't need to be a trucker.

- Get out your fuckin', just get out your phone, please.

- All right.

- I don't need.

- No, no, no, no.

You gotta Google this, okay?

Polish

forest

- Polish? - Polish forest

- Forest

- Whores.

- Ah aye, just look it up. Read it.

- Whores?

- Yeah, just click on somethin' to start readin'.

- Polish forest whores.

- Who woulda thought, eh? It's crazy.

- It's unbelievable, man.

- So we're gonna try to start up Nova Scotia forest whores.

- Yeah.

- I thought Julian told you all this.

- Julian?

- What? What?

- This is just hookers standin' out in the woods.

- Yeah, they're professionals, okay.

- Yeah, man.

They're from Poland.

- They're classy.

This is what they do.

They're class,

Lenny, there's a guy named Lenny in here, okay?

He's got his mother over here.

She's, like, her name's Hannah, all right?

She's like a celebrity in fuckin' Poland.

She's now livin' here.

- And he's got six fuckin' sisters.

They've been doin' this there.

- They are pros. They love this shit, man.

They love the work, man.

- They don't wanna work in a convenience store or-

or fuckin' go to university. - Julian, it's just ladies,

it's ladies standin' on back road trucker routes-

- Right, yeah. Think.

- Who are hookers?

- You can't get caught, though,

'cause it's on back, back country roads.

- It's back roads.

So, you gotta find some back roads off the highway, okay?

And get the truckers to go that way.

They'll be there.

- This is fuckin' bullshit.

You got me all excited thinkin' I was startin'

a truckin' business with you guys.

- Bubs, it is sort of a truck business.

We may get into truckin' eventually.

We can just reinvest all the money.

- We'll get it. Money goes back in.

Money will go back into the company, all right?

- Yeah, I've heard this fuckin' scam before.

- I'm gonna be in charge of security.

- See?

- What do you mean security?

- Well, I'll go and watch and make sure nothin' happens

to the girls and stuff.

So, it's all legit. It's all safe.

- You're gonna go watch what? The Polish forest whores.

- We're not, mostly just the before and after

just to make sure everything's good.

But it's gonna be a safe business.

It's gonna be-

- So, you led me to believe I was gonna be

runnin' the truckin' business,

and all I'm doin' is findin' out the best routes

to place your fuckin' forest whores on.

- These people came from a different country, okay.

They're immigrants.

They're lookin' for fuckin' somethin' to do to make money.

They don't-

- And they used to do this back in Poland?

- They love this, man. They came to me.

We're just the fuckin' middle man.

- They make a lotta money, man.

- We're the direction people.

- They make a shit ton of money.

- Julian, you know you're askin',

you're basically just gonna be a pimp

for a bunch of forest whores.

- We're not. We're just the middle.

We're the directions.

Lenny, okay, he's the pimp.

- Yeah.

- Call him a pimp.

- This is pretty much legal.

He's the family pimp.

- The only people who can get in trouble

are them, pretty much.

- Exactly. I don't even think, they can't get in trouble.

- Can you scope out the highway that goes from Kentville

over to, you know, the 103 through New Ross.

That's supposed to be a really good truckin' road,

back, back country.

- It is a good truckin' route, Ricky. Of course, it is.

But that doesn't mean we're gonna just start

placin' ladies along.

What do they do? They just stand on the side of the road.

- Yes, they know what they're doin'.

They're professionals, okay?

Let them deal with it.

- Look, I'll fuckin' get your fuckin' greasy routes.

I'll find out what truckers go on what fuckin' routes.

But we're doin' this,

we're gettin' my rig license,

and we're puttin' the money in and gettin' a rig.

- All right, eventually that will happen

and we'll be proud of ya.

- Yeah, eventually. Sure, man.

- All the money goes back into gettin' my rig license.

- [PA Announcer] Let's go, boys. Time's up.

- All right, we got, we gotta go, man.

Love you, buddy.

- Thanks buddy. Thanks for doin' this.

This is gonna be fuckin' huge success.

- We'll tell Lenny that you're on board, all right, okay?

All right? All right.

- Thank you, bud.

- Yeah, yeah.

[phone clatters]

Unbelievable. I don't know why I get my fuckin' hopes up.

- Love you, man.

- Hey, Bubs!

- Ricky. [Ricky chuckles]

- All right, here we go. [guitar strumming]

So, this is "Kitties Are So Nice."

This is a song that I wrote.

Let me think how it starts.

[guitar strumming]

No, that's, fuckin' nevermind.

I'll just start the fuckin' thing.

Anyway, it's got the G chord into it.

It's got the C chord.

It's got a D chord in there,

and it's got this one, E minor.

G, C, D, E minor.

That's really all you fuckin' need to know.

I do all kinds of fancy things, you know,

liftin' fingers here and there,

doin' this type of thing, but.

I mean, you can do that.

That's just like I addin' salt and pepper.

You can do that as you see fit.

[Bubbles giggles]

All right, so anyway, I'm just gonna play the fuckin' thing,

and you should be able to figure out how she goes.

Here it is.

[guitar strumming]

♪ Kitties are so nice

♪ Kitties are so nice

♪ Get them down, spin them 'round ♪

♪ Tickle their bellies twice

♪ Kitties

♪ Kitties

♪ Kitties are so nice

Here's the verse.

♪ I found Daisy in a storm drain ♪

♪ Covered in liquor and glue

♪ I took her home

♪ And I cleaned her up

♪ With kitty shampoo

♪ Kitties like to sleep a lot

♪ They don't do much of anythin' ♪

♪ But every kitty I ever met

♪ Likes to fuck with string

♪ Kitties are so nice

♪ Kitties are so nice

♪ Get them down, spin them 'round ♪

♪ Tickle their bellies twice

♪ Kitties

♪ Kitties

♪ Kitties are so nice

♪ Everyday I thank the Lord

♪ And baby Jesus as well

♪ For helpin' me turn my shed

♪ Into a kitty cat hotel

You can just put like a solo in here.

If somebody else is playin' along with ya,

they can play a solo here.

♪ Hmm, deedee do deedee dum bah boo ♪

♪ Kitties are so nice

♪ Kitties are so nice

♪ Get them down, spin them 'round ♪

♪ Tickle their bellies

♪ Not once but twice.

♪ Kitty-ee-ee-ee-ees

♪ Kitties are so nice

[guitar strumming flourish]

Ah, kitties are so nice.

That's how you do it right there.

- You made me forget what the frig I was gonna toast to.

- A thing, a person or place?

- [sighs] To the weatherman!

That's who I was gonna toast

because you guys are always tryin'

and tellin' us what kind of day it's gonna be.

And sometimes you're right and sometimes you're wrong,

and that's life, everybody.

So, to weatherman and women,

I'm gonna do a bong hit.

- And I'm gonna do it a li'l sippy-poo for courage.

[bong water bubbling]

Man oh man, this new lighter works good, Mr. Lahey.

[bong water bubbling]

[Mr. Lahey gasping]

Hoo, to weathermen, everybody.

- A little toke, a little sip, a little.

Randy, you know what time it is for?

- What, what?

- Guess what time it is for?

- It's, um, like three o'clock or somethin'?

- No, it's time for the Randy Lahey chick-a-lo.

Uh, the Randy, um, cooking show.

- Oh, for my cookin' show.

All right, thank you very much, Mr. Lahey.

Today on "The Randy Bobandi Cookin' Show,"

we got somethin' very excitin'.

I've prepared a dish that's gourmet.

Get that, gourmet.

It's for Mr. Lahey, and he has done this

for years and years and years

and helps him maintain a perfect six outta 10 buzz on

all day long.

Right, Mr. Lahey?

- Ah, whatever.

- Liquor ball sandwiches, Mr. Lahey.

- Ah ha.

Like there is such a thing as a cornucopia.

- A corn?

- Cornucopia.

- Nah, you don't put corn on liquor ball sandwiches.

These are peanut butter and jam liquor ball sandwiches.

- Yeah.

There's no green eggs and ham

on these liquor ball sandwiches.

It's just peanut butter and jam.

- Randy ate too many the other day,

he shit the bed.

- I did not, Mr. Lahey.

- Yeah, he shit the bed right against the wall.

- It looked like the Mona Lisa.

- He did. It looked like a Jackson Pol-Pollock.

And it had, 'cause Randy had put some beets and corn

in his fuckin'.

- Yeah, you always see corn the next day, everybody.

It always comes out.

Yellow, it's almost more yellow,

isn't it, Mr. Lahey.

I'm gonna cook somethin' different though,

liquor ball sandwiches.

- Raise the protein right the fuck out.

- Come on down to Randy's kitchen, everybody.

Here we are.

- How 'bout, just wait, just wait.

Okay. So, to cook peanut butter and jam.

[Mr. Lahey sputtering weakly]

Mr. Lahey-

- That's fuckin' bugle for your kitchen.

- You're interruptin' my friggin' spiel.

- Ladies and gentleman.

- [Toy] Hello.

Hello, welcome to Randy's kitchen.

- [Toy] Hi, welcome to Randy's kitchen?

- Say hi.

- I can't do the kitchen show with this guy.

- [Toy] I can't to the kitchen show with this guy.

[Mr. Lahey gibbers]

[toy speaks gibberish]

[toy clatters]

[whimsical music]

- Get your shoulders goin', boys.

- There's a man in Australia. Guess what happened to him?

What?

- I'm not tellin' you 'til you turn this shit off.

- Get your shoulders goin'.

♪ As I go ridin' merrily along

- Ah, just.

- You guys are fuckin' terrible.

You don't know any-

- I'll do it at the end.

- You don't know when you hear good music.

- It's a great song. I'll do it at the end.

Anyway, he got fuckin' arrested

for talkin' on a cell phone

while he was ridin' his horse.

- [Bubbles] Well, you shouldn't be usin'-

- 'Cause he didn't have a hands-free device.

I mean, fuck, are they gonna start makin' horses

with Bluetooth in them now, or.

What the fuck's he supposed to do?

- That is kinda fucked.

- They already have horse with Bluetooth, Ricky.

You can get a Bluetooth horse.

- No, I don't mean like a blue tooth, like a fuck,

you know what I mean?

- I know what you mean. They have horses.

There's a horse. I saw him for sale.

- And he comes with Bluetooth?

- There's a horse for sale.

He's got a cell phone.

You're ridin' him, right?

- Yeah.

And right on the back of his neck, there,

there's a cell phone holder.

And you just, you turn his ear like that,

and a little screen pops up and you got Bluetooth.

- Cigarette lighter.

- That's cool.

- Cigarette lighter. [crosstalk]

- You got all of it, Ricky.

GPS right in the back of his head.

- See, if I could get a horse like that,

I'd probably get one.

I'd like to ride a horse around.

- All right.

- Why don't we get you a horse, Ricky?

- That would be cool.

Get some saddle bags get groceries and shit.

- I'd like to have a horse too.

Maybe me and you could have a horse each.

- You know what?

- We'd ride to the grocery store together and get groceries.

- I've always wanted to ride a horse, man.

- All right, we're gonna be the fuckin' horse brothers.

♪ Ride my horse to the old town road. ♪

- We could take 'em down to old town road.

- [Ricky] Ah, that'd be awesome.

- And we just go down and ride 'til we can't ride no more.

- That's a good idea.

- It's a good song too.

- What color? Like what color horse do you want?

- I wanna a white horse.

- I wanna a black one, man, like, you know.

I wanna a white horse.

- Actually, what are those fuckin', palomino,

I think they're called.

- Palo-amino. That's what I'd like.

- That's what I want.

That's what Clint would've, - I wanna a white stallion.

Clint woulda been on one of those.

- Palo-amino or maybe just, I don't know.

- What if we had a few Clydesdales?

We could put them to work in the fields,

helpin' the farmers.

- What kind of drugs did we do today?

[Ricky laughs]

- I don't know.

- We're gonna get, we could even get a buggy.

- We could get a buggy.

- If we had those ones you're talking about.

They're powerful.

- We could get a buggy, like the Amish.

- Stage coach, man.

- We could just start becomin' Amish.

You could dress like the Amish.

- Put a stereo on that with Bluetooth.

- We could get, you know what we could get?

The wigs with the little rings and the hats

and some horses and a buggy.

- How did this, how did we get talkin' about this?

- I don't know, but it's fun times.

- [Ricky] [laughing] Jesus Christ.

- I'd like to get, I'd like to change it up.

Let's change up our looks, Julian.

You'd look good as an Amish person.

- Bubs.

- You would.

- Fuckin' kiddin' me, man.

- Get, like, a really tight Amish vest with no shirt.

- Why does it have to be tight?

- You get the ringlets.

- Why do you wanna see a tight fuckin' Amish shirt?

- Ringlet hair hangin' down.

Is that Amish? I don't know.

- The hat. Don't they have a hat?

- They wear, like, fuckin' overalls and shit, man.

- Maybe I'm thinkin' of Hasidic Jewish people.

- Fuckin' boots

- I think I'm, no, I'm thinkin' of the Hasidic Jewish people

with the ring, ring hair and the fancy hats.

[nostalgic piano music]

- Like Weird Al.

- That was just for that one video, Ricky.

That's not what Weird Al looks like all the time.

He just looks weird.

[nostalgic piano music]

[seabirds squawking]

[boat chugging]

[waves lapping]

[seabirds squawking]

[Fishes] Oh fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck-fuck, fuck, oh fuck,

ooh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, Jesus Christ!

[metal scraping]

[wildcat roars]

[power switch clicks]

[Announcer] [whispering] Fuck off.