Original subtitles

- [Ricky] Warning.

The following program contains really coarse language, weed,

alcohol consumption, smoking and sexual Inferl, ferlenses.

This content may not be suitable for viewers under 18.

To activate parental controls, please press the big

go fuck yourself button on your remote control!

[lilting piano music]

- I'll referee this. - Give me one, Ricky.

- 'Cause I'm not eating any of this sauce shit.

- Oh, fuck off.

Look at the hard work I did here, I came all prepared today.

Finally grabbed-

- Like what the fuck are- - I mean, I can-

- ...those things.

- That's one of those, Lebanese.

- I can guess most of these-

- Starts with F.

- ...just by sight. - Don't you?

- Just by sight.

- Well, you shouldn't, you should have a blindfold on man.

- That's a Frank's, that's a Frank's hot sauce right there.

That's a-

Ooh.

- Oh, that's fucking-

- Mm, that's like a.

- That's got a bit of a kick to it, huh?

- Yeah.

- What are we thinking, man?

- Yeah, should I be blindfolded or?

- Yeah, let's blindfold you.

- I mean, I can't really see them anyway.

- Nah, we should blindfold you, man.

No, I don't want to be blindfolded.

- You sure?

- What's that Ricky, that looks like a mini egg roll.

- Could be.

- What should I go with?

- Tough call, man.

This looks like one of those things that used to,

I don't know what it is, actually.

- This looks like a Thai chili sauce.

- Oh yeah?

- You know what you can do, Bubs? How about this?

Move your booze.

You're gonna close, before you take it by close your eyes.

I'll grab one.

And then you dip it in with your eyes closed and then you

can guess, all right?

No, no, no.

- Why?

- Okay, close your eyes.

- Okay.

- Dip.

- Oh man.

- Am I in?

- Yeah.

- I don't think that's a good one for that.

- So this is a egg roll with a-

- What was that, what is it?

- That's a garlic mayo.

- Yes it is. - That's good.

- Good job, man.

- Not great on an egg roll.

- All right, it's Julian's turn.

- No, I'm not eating this shit man.

- What about a chicken finger man? The good kind.

- A chicken finger. - It came from Randy's

fucking freezer.

- One chicken finger. - Not a chance man.

Nah he makes his own little pastry thing.

- Guys. - You like mozza fingers?

These aren't mozza fingers, they're mozza cocks.

See, look that.

Yeah, a Randy invention.

- No, I'll try it.

- You want a mozza cock?

- That doesn't, that looks nothing like a mozza stick.

- Oh look, you got samosas on there.

- What's a samosa? - That's like a little-

Oh, this is, look.

That's just bread with cheese in it.

- You like those.

- Here, here, do you wanna do this thing again or what?

- Yes, I'll close my eyes.

- Closed eyes, down.

Down she goes, there we go.

- Is it in?

- Oh man, that's a, that's not a good fit for that.

- Ah.

- Just eat it, you like all the sauces.

Not bad, huh?

- Cheese stick with a honey mustard.

- That's not bad, see, just looks like it, looks like-

I don't know what it looks like, man.

It's disgusting.

- Cheese bread with honey mustard, it's not bad.

- Okay.

Well let's see maybe this is a good game, we're discovering.

- Here, Ricky,

you pick something up and I'll do a dipper on you.

- All right.

How are these, how are these cheese sticks?

- They're pretty good.

- All right.

I'm closing my eyes.

- Go for it.

- Okay.

Know what, no, this right here.

Gonna be delicious. - That's a good one.

- Where do I gotta go?

- Straight down.

- Right down.

- You 're in. - Am I in?

Pull it right out? - Yep.

That's gonna be nice.

- Oh my God, it's a hot, spicy sauce, isn't it?

- That's just a Frank's.

- It's a, Frank's Hot Sauce.

- Here, I'll do it, Ricky.

- It's not bad.

- Delicious.

- The fuck is, what is that?

What is that?

- That's like, could be like a honey garlic.

- All right.

- Like a rib sauce.

- That's good.

- Actually the hot sauce on the bread stick's

not as good as a thought would be.

- It's not great.

- It's kind of shitty.

What's this thing here, Ricky?

- Okay, close your eyes.

- That's one of those things that starts with an F

and has a lot of A's and L's in it.

- Falafel.

- Okay, close your eyes.

- Okay. - Down, lots of that.

- Oh, this is gonna be good.

- Yeah.

- Can't even taste it.

- Oh, really get her in there.

- What was it, this one? - Yeah.

What is this stuff?

- That's like a Chutney.

- Indian hot sauce or west Indian hot sauce.

- Terrible combination. - Yeah?

- Terrible.

That's like hot.

Holy fuck, is that ever hot.

- Okay, what's- - Son of a whore.

- Is it hot?

- That's fucking crazy hot.

- Okay, let's go for a double dipper.

- I gotta cool it down with some vodka.

- Double dip this one, man.

Grab one of those big triangle fucking-

- Vodka makes it hotter.

- Alright, let's get this big triangle one, Bubs.

- What, the samosa?

- Yeah, okay.

Close your eyes, you're gonna do a double dip.

- I'm not doing a double dip.

- Come on, double dip it.

No, look at you, you cock sucker.

- Come on man.

- I peaked.

- What would you like with it?

- I don't know, what would you put on a samosa?

- I don't even know what it is.

- What's the competition we're having though, Ricky?

- I didn't even get that far.

- But you said we were having a competition.

- Yeah.

So it's just- - What are we competing for?

- It's a game. - But what's the game?

- You win or lose.

- Yeah, but there's gotta be a game to the fucking game.

I don't know guys. - Why don't ya dip everything?

- Help me out with something.

- Okay, this is what we're gonna do.

I'm gonna grab one of these little fuckers.

Right, you guys- - That's a pizza thing.

- Yeah, what is this thing?

- I don't know what, bubbles you ate one of those.

What is it? - What?

That's just like a mini egg roll.

- Okay.

- All right this is what we're gonna do,

you're gonna guess the sauce.

All right?

It's for 10 bucks.

- Who's paying? - The loser.

- For 10 bucks? - Yeah.

Close your eyes, man.

Let's get this going.

- This gonna be not, this is gonna be ho-

- I don't understand.

- All right, get, just fucking close your eyes.

- Both of us. - You want it, yeah.

Both of yous.

- Okay. - Let's get this going.

What do you want, do you want one of these things too?

I'll have a, the, yeah.

One of those crab cakes.

- Oh, fucking gross, see?

That would've made me vomit. - No, there's no crab in it.

He just calls it that.

All right, close your eyes. - Okay.

- All right.

- Okay, what am I eating?

- You're going to eat one of them.

- You're an egg roll guy, I think.

Yeah, we're gonna make this fucking good boys.

- I can hear you going fucking bowl to bowl.

- Should I do this or shouldn't I?

And I'm like, nah, then I'm just fucking.

- What the fuck.

- There's no way to guess the sauce,

if you're going bowl to bowl.

- All right.

You take that one, you take this one.

There's only one sauce on each.

- Nope.

- No, there's not.

- All right, so what was it?

- These are like, dressed all over.

- There's like 20 sauces on that.

- There you go, okay, you both won.

- So like, today I need to deliver the books, so-

You know, a lot of people take the opportunity in prison

to fucking get smarter, so I've been doing that too.

And just 'cause I don't read so well, or even right so well,

don't mean I can't get smart, you know, like...

While the traditional model of psych charity

and psychoanalysis is strictly personalistics

and biological, biological, biologagraphical.

And basically that just means like,

your brain is part of your body

and that's what makes you think.

Okay wakey wakey hands off stinky, oi fucker.

- Hey relax.

- But yeah, I didn't really like school too much

probably 'cause the, you know, the teachers were fucked.

Just like the guards are fucked here.

I'd probably jail a lot more, if the guards weren't fucked,

it's not really up to me, I'm kind of like

a free flowing, particle human.

And the environment's the thing that's the problem.

[books clattering]

- Hey, watch it.

- All these letters I'm seeing fly through me

makes me think I gotta fucking write a letter

to my old lady.

'Cause I don't even think she knows

I'm fucking out of province, 'cause like,

we were on and off again a lot, hot and cold.

That's kind of how the way our love works.

And I realize she doesn't even know where the fuck I am.

- Terry, give me another book.

- No fuck off Tony, one book per dump.

Stuck, stuck with a fucking C.

You do a little arrow up.

If you make a mistake and then people's brains will go,

oh right.

Stuck in Nova Scotia Sco-

Scotia.

My love, so this is where you can borrow knowledge,

my love is like, here's a good one, holographic, see?

And she'll be like, whoa fuck.

Wait for more.

See I'm not gonna say like- For more.

That means more love, more holographs, Terry.

And then you always gotta draw hearts.

And then she, she's like my true love, so I can draw cock

and balls, and she's like, oh Terry you dick.

Oh, I fucked up the pubes.

It's like a heart cock and balls.

The other thing that I fucking always forget to do,

but is important is, you reread it and then you know,

in case you didn't write it down right, or whatever.

Dear Trish, stuck in the jail, out in Nova Scotia.

My love is holographic, wait for more.

That's good, right?

It's good.

Yeah.

It's been two weeks since I sent my letter or at least I

think I fucking sent it.

The guards here are such dog fuckers,

I don't even know if it went out.

Like, I'm waiting for Trish to send back a love message.

Something to say, you know, like, I hear you Terry.

I know you're alive and I'm going fucking mental here.

Don't know what to do, and you know,

back when I wasn't captive, we talked about love tattoos.

So that's what I'm gonna fucking do.

A lot of guys here have ink and I ain't got ink.

So I'm gonna ink myself, like, I ain't afraid of no pain.

Ah fuck.

Ah fuck.

They used to call me like king of pain, hat hanging in the

tree, I will always be, you know that one.

fuck, they call me Rambo, ain't afraid of nothing.

Cock sucker that hurts, ah fuck,

a little darker on the S.

Right on.

Check it out.

I can't really see it, but Trisha's gonna love it.

I got you on my heart baby.

Right on.

- When you're living in a car, you still gotta fucking eat

and you want to eat good and you don't have a kitchen to use

and you gotta figure fuckin' ways

to make food with no kitchen.

So just suppose maybe you got thrown outta your girlfriend's

trailer for getting drunk and maybe you sleepwalk and took a

piss in the closet instead of the bathroom,

pissed all over her clothes

and she won't let you use her fucking kitchen.

I'll get you learned on how to fucking make a nice meal

with no kitchen.

Now the first thing you wanna do,

'cause some shit takes longer to cook than other shit.

You wanna make an oven,

you want to get your big pot going with some potatoes

and different vegetables going.

So the first thing we're gonna do is get that on the go,

it takes a while for this shit to cook.

Doesn't have to be too hot.

So get that fucking cooking up nice.

Now, the next thing you wanna do is build a fucking oven.

It's pretty easy, I use the mailbox,

just put a little hole in it here and a heat gun.

Pretty simple, a heat gun just fits in there like that.

So you wanna take your chicken, wrap it in tin foil,

put that in your oven, get your heat gun shoved in there.

Now you're gonna wanna let that cook for about an hour

and a half, wrapped it tin foil.

Take it out for the last half hour,

two hours total, brown it up for the last half hour.

All right, so we got all this cooking.

We're gonna move on to fuckin' appetizers

and fruit salad salad.

You know people are always.

Fuck off.

People are always saying to me,

Ricky, fuck, you live in a car

and you make these fucking fantastic three to five

course meals, like how the fuck do you do it?

Power tools, is a great thing for cooking, people don't

realize this, they're not just for building shit,

you can fucking cook with them.

Now, I like to have fucking appetizers.

They get you fucking really warmed up for a nice dirty meal,

but they fucking take care of that little bit of hunger.

So we're gonna have a bit of a bologna log here.

So snip a little slice of that up.

[saw whirring]

This is a little piece of bologna there,

get some fucking pepperoni going.

[saw whirring]

Now we're gonna wanna fry this shit up,

so we'll throw some of that in there.

Oh fuck, we don't have a stove?

Well yes we do, actually.

There we go, then all of a sudden you got a fucking stove.

You might wanna tape this down, it's a bit dangerous.

And you wanna put a bit of oil in there

or else this will burn all to shit.

There we go.

Make sure that's fucking getting mixed up in there nicely.

All right, so now we're cooking the chicken.

Cooking some nice appetizers.

We got some potatoes and fucking vegetables boiling.

Time to make a fruit salad salad.

Just take our fuckin' meat logs, put them over here.

I cut a nice little hole in here for our garbage area.

So if you got some garbage like this, you just go oh,

where's that go, right there, perfect.

Drill with a whole saw, very fucking useful for cooking.

Take that cabbage, look at this, core.

fuck you core.

[drill whirring]

Bye bye, into the garbage hole.

You just wanna take this

and start cutting her up a little bit.

[saw whirring]

Nice little salad, lettuce.

Well, some people just eat salad salad,

but I like to eat fruit salad salad,

'cause it gives you fruit and veggies, so,

take some fucking bananas.

Here's something else to get learned on.

Open a banana from the bottom, it's way fucking

easier, look at that.

Just fucking falls apart.

So you wanna take your banana and same thing, just chop saw.

[saw whirring]

All right, so we got a bit of banana in there.

Maybe a little bit of turnip, get rid of this fucking core.

[drill whirring]

Fuck you, core.

Fuck off!

I'll get you in a second then.

[saw whirring]

Turnip's fucking hard to cut, not with a chop saw.

[saw whirring]

All right, so once you got that cut,

put some little slices, little pieces.

[saw whirring]

Put some nice little pieces of turnip in there.

This fucking salad is coming together nicely.

Banana, turnip, maybe some apple.

This is a little dangerous.

You might want to use a clearing stick or something.

Fuck off.

[saw whirring]

All right, nice pieces of apple.

Fuck you, core.

[drill whirring]

Fuck!

[drill whirring]

All right, there's probably something better for this.

I guess, I don't know.

That's not it.

Trying to find a fucking tool to get this fucking thing out.

There we go.

Perfect, took that out perfectly and easily.

[saw whirring]

So a bit of cabbage.

All right, so now we've got a bit of cabbage in there.

That always tastes good.

Maybe you want a little bit of pineapple, no problem.

Put this fucking thing apart.

Same thing, you want to core it.

All right, that didn't go totally great, but not bad.

[saw whirring]

Try that again, maybe get rid of the sides.

[saw whirring]

Try coring this fucking piece.

Fuck off.

Jesus Christ.

- This is where you're gonna be sleeping, bud.

- Are you serious?

- It's fucking not that bad.

You can sleep on the grass or you'd rather that.

- Yeah, but there's open bunks, Ricky.

- We need them for things, for keeping stuff in.

- Plus you stink, okay?

Get rid of that ungodly fucking smell coming off your body.

Maybe you can come back in the bus.

This is where you're staying.

We're gonna go get drunk.

We'll let you out later.

Maybe if you have to have a piss or something.

Just get the fuck in there.

- I can't get up here.

- Just, Ricky help him out, will you?

- Fuck sakes.

- God.

- Try to find some fucking hash.

- I don't know about this, guys.

- Get some deodorant.

- It's a little small for me.

- It's fuckin great in there. - You're fine.

Go to sleep, it's dark.

I'm kind of jealous. It actually looks awesome in there.

Holy fuck boys, he stinks.

Let's get fucking drunk and high boys.

About fucking time guys.

- Boys, just, - What?

- I'll catch up to you in a minute.

I just forgot to do one thing.

- Hurry up man, I'm thirsty.

- All right, just,

Here, there's an old bun. - Thanks man.

- Some water.

- Awesome, wine, thanks a lot.

No, that's empty.

That's to piss in bud.

Look, there's some limes.

I think if you bite these in half and squeeze them

on your armpits and your undercarriage, it might help out

with that stink you got going.

- Thanks, Bubs.

- Okay, Randy, I'll check on you later.

Don't tell the boys, I did this.

- Okay.

- You got enough air in there?

- I think so.

- Okay. well see you, see you later, bud.

- Did you try this, Ricky? - What is it?

- It's fucking delicious.

- West Indian hot sauce.

- Yeah, try it.

It's hot, it's the hinges of hell.

- So's your mother. [laughs]

See, that was a compliment.

- That one's hot.

- God damn it, tired of eating this shit.

- This is, you know what? This is all lame.

We're sitting around talking about sauces for a half hour.

You guys are fucking killing me.

- Well, what do you got to talk about, Mr. fucking words?

- I've got nothing to talk about.

- Great. - All right?

Fuck, that is hot, holy shitbags.

- Oh yeah, it's very hot. Did I mention that?

- [laughs] Wow.

- Ricky's like an Anaconda.

- Okay, I gotta get something to tone that the fuck down.

- Sour cream.

- Nope.

- Well, that's not gonna tone it down.

That's another hot sauce.

- Fuck, it is too.

- Sour cream, Ricky, if you're burning there-

- I gotta stop eating this shit.

- Yeah.

You got nothing on the old box there?

- There's nothing Bubs.

- Do you know that we all consume dinosaur waste?

- No we don't.

- Yeah, of course we do.

- Yeah, it makes sense when they explain it to me.

But I didn't know that.

- Why?

- Well their piss-

- Who explained it to you?

- The channel that has the big D.

- Discovery Channel.

- Yes.

- So we, what do you mean?

I don't get it, man.

- Well, 'cause all the water that's on the earth

has always been here, right?

So all the dinosaurs used to fucking piss out gallons

of piss and that would filter down through

and get recycled and rained and recycled, and-

- Yeah.

- Now we're drinking their fucking piss.

- We're drinking everybody's piss then.

- Yep, it's true.

- Yeah, piss.

- There's piss in that drink.

- And we're drinking everybody's shit as well, I guess.

Same thing.

Runoff water goes into the ocean-

- Maybe you are.

- If you had a runny shit, I guess.

- No man, it's just, this fucking computer man.

- The other thing they talked to me about was blue whales.

You can hear their fucking heartbeat

from two miles away. - Yeah I heard that.

That's crazy shit, man.

- Who can? - People.

- Underwater?

- I don't know, but you can hear it from two miles away,

either underwater or-

- You'd have to have some kind of a sonar device.

You couldn't just hear it two miles away.

- Well, it's the size of a fucking car.

- Yeah but you're not gonna hear it

unless you're underwater with sonar.

- You might hear. [thumps]

- Do you think just walking on land,

you're gonna hear that two miles out in the ocean,

his heart beating?

- Well, no it there's waves and stuff

that will fuck you over, but if you're way out in the ocean,

swimming around, you might hear. [thumps]

And that's what it probably would be.

- Underwater maybe, you're not gonna hear it on the surface.

- Well, what if it was doing a jump?

[lilting piano music]

- If he's doing a jump,

you mean he jumps out of the water and when he is up here,

you hear. [thumps]

- At the right time, yeah, and then he he's gone.

So you're like, what the fuck was that behind me?

- Could be, Ricky - Could be man.

[lilting piano music]

[boat engine puttering] [birds chirping]

- Fuck, fuck. - Fuck!

- Fuck! - Fuck, fuck.

- Jesus Christ!

[dramatic music]