Original subtitles

- [Announcer] Warning.

The following program contains really coarse language,

weed, alcohol consumption, smoking, and sexual inferences.

This content may not be suitable for viewers under 18.

To activate parental controls,

please press the go [beep] yourself button on

your remote control.

[peaceful music]

- Fucking fireworks last night.

- Si.

That was just a little fucking crazy, man.

- Yeah.

- It'd be more enjoyable if you let them off one at a time.

- Has anybody heard from Donny today?

He was fucking wild.

- Next year, you're in charge of the fireworks.

- Well, if you light them off one at a time,

a, it lasts longer.

It's more enjoyable and it's not terrifying.

- And you're not gonna knock them over and have

fucking flames.

- Oh, he puts them all in a big bin and fucking,

just throws gas on them and lights them.

- God.

- That's called a bomb, Ricky.

- That's not going to enjoy fireworks.

That's going to fear for your life and

lighting an unpredictable bomb on fire.

- Was that a bad idea?

- Yes.

- Well.

- I just wanted to sit in the lawn chair,

and one goes up at a time.

Oh, that was a nice one.

- Man, I'm telling you right now,

you better stop destroying my home.

- I'm not destroying your fucking home.

See, that's what every fireworks place does though.

They go like, "Oh, here, let's make this last."

- I know.

But you can go,

"Oh, look at the reds and the blues in that one.

"That's, oh, look at the nice colors."

And instead you're running for your life,

diving under the deck.

- It's exciting though, isn't it?

- For a minute.

- But you know what?

Deep down everybody that goes to the fireworks

is hoping for it to go fucky.

That's why they go.

They're like, "There's that tiny little chance that

"something's gonna go fucking fucky here,

"and I want to see it."

- Oh, fuck, Julian, you'd think you were addicted to crack.

- I'm not addicted to fucking booze, Bubs.

- You'd think you were on crack.

- It's just a good fucking bottle.

- Can't sit still.

- I can't drink the shitty stuff anymore.

- What the fuck?

I don't even remember writing any of this shit.

When did I do this?

- Yesterday.

- Oh, that was smart, see?

- Yesterday.

See, I took a nap on Wednesday.

That's maybe why I'm ...

- You need to do smart stuff,

you do it before you get fucking hammered.

There, you happy now

you found a little bit of booze?

- Here, gimme a shot of that.

- Fuck, you guys are impressing me right now.

- That's nice.

- If I take a sip of that, I will fucking puke.

- Take a sip.

- Take a sip, it's fine, you won't puke.

- No, I can't do it yet.

We actually stayed up to see the dark go.

And then we, I fell asleep, I guess, on the floor.

- You actually were only asleep for about 30 minutes, right?

- Okay, good.

That's not bad, that's what Eisenstein used to do,

didn't he?

Nap for 30 minutes and get up

and come up with a formula and go back to sleep?

- Eisenstein?

- Wake up, "Hey, this is how the world works."

Go back to sleep for half hour.

- Was Einstein a fucking napper?

- "Hey, you wanna know about space?

"This is the equation.

"Now I'm gonna go back to sleep."

Fuck, he was good.

- Eisenstein, first of all, is not a person.

- What is he?

- And he didn't nap like that.

- Ball of energy?

- No, he's a person, but his name was Einstein, Ricky.

It's pretty ironic that people say, you know,

when you fuck something up,

"He's the smartest man maybe that ever lived."

But now he's known for, when you fuck something up,

somebody says, "Nice going, Einstein."

- That's true.

- That's bullshit.

And then he doesn't even get the name right.

So what's the irony there?

- What's the what?

The ironing?

What are you ironing, bud?

[Ricky chuckles]

- It's, that's not what he meant.

- Oh, boys.

- But he, Einstein, he was on his deathbed, wasn't he?

And he was, they were gonna operate.

He was like, "Nope, that's it, I'm done."

- "I gotta write another formula."

- No, and he said, "That's it.

"I fucking, I've done my shit for the world."

- Well, he's probably sick of people.

"How do you solve this problem?"

"For fuck's sake, just gimme a minute.

"I gotta have 30 minute nap."

- "Just gimme a year and I'll figure it out."

- He was a good one.

- He was a good one.

You know what?

I guess he was a real mean bastard though.

- Was he?

- Apparently he was a real cocksucker.

- People probably drove him fucking nuts.

- He was a real cocksucker to deal with apparently.

- What's that psychologist dude?

What's his name?

Freud? Was that his name?

- Sigmund Freud.

- He was a fuck, he was on the scoops, big time.

- Well, they all, they all were on the scoops back then.

- Cranker.

- Opium, bud, opium.

They were all on it.

- They were into that.

- Who was his partner?

Was it Marx?

- Sigmund Freud and Carl Marx were not partners.

- I thought there was like a duo.

- What, like a comedy gig?

- I don't know.

- Freud and Marx.

[Joey chuckles]

Please welcome to the stage... - Good times.

- ... Freud and Marx.

- [Ricky] "We're all banged up on cocaine."

- All ripped on cocaine.

- Used to give cocaine away as presents to people and shit.

- [Ricky] Nice.

- "Here you go, happy birthday!"

- What the fuck would their comedy routine be?

- Lots of acid.

Tons of acid.

- Oh, fuck.

- They'd be arguing about what's more important.

Your mother's vagina or the proletariat.

[Bubbles laughs]

- I don't get it, man.

I'm sure it was funny.

- Hey, what's going on?

Bubbles here in my shed.

I got my guitar out.

Got a lot of requests from you guys on how to play

Liquor and Whores, so I'm gonna fucking play the thing,

and I think through the magic of video here,

this guy can put the cords up,

like maybe on the corner of the screen.

Could you do that?

- [Camera Man] I can try it, yeah.

- Yeah, well put the cords up.

It's basically just G, A minor, C and D are the cords.

And then there's a fucking E minor in there, in the solo,

but here's, here's how it goes anyway.

One, two. [Bubbles strums guitar]

♪ Liquor and whores

♪ Liquor and whores

♪ Cigarettes and dope and mustard and bologna ♪

♪ Liquor and whores

♪ When I was down drinking at the Legion ♪

♪ I met a girl she was nice she was pretty and pleasing ♪

♪ She said hey boy we should do some marrying ♪

♪ And I said sure but before we do ♪

♪ There's something you should know ♪

♪ I like liquor and whores

♪ Liquor and whores

♪ Cigarettes and dope and mustard and bologna ♪

♪ Liquor and whores

♪ Do-do-dup-dup-do

That's where the E minor goes.

♪ And then one night

♪ Down at the Legion

♪ She walked in I was drunk on gin ♪

♪ Dancing with a lady friend

♪ She said hey boy

♪ You better fly the fuck home

♪ I said no 'cause of five little words ♪

♪ I could've swore I said to you ♪

♪ I like liquor and whores

♪ Liquor and whores

♪ Cigarettes and dope and mustard and bologna ♪

♪ Liquor and whores

♪ I like Liquor and whores

♪ Liquor and whores

♪ Cigarettes and dope and mustard and bologna ♪

♪ And liquor and whores

[Bubbles laughs]

Liquor and Whores, that's how you play it.

- Slate. [Jim claps]

Take one.

Jim Lahey.

Okay, just wait. [Jim claps]

Take two.

[light piano music]

Jim Lahey with another exciting liquor story.

Being a Canadian means,

you're very proud of being a,

being proud of the Canucks, of Canadians and shit.

This is one of my prize possessions.

It's a RPCM officer.

Uh, without a head.

I just, he used to be a Court Parker.

Anyway, I don't stand on the page of formalities.

I just have a little sip of ...

Yes.

Canadian whiskey is a special brand.

[Jim mutters incomprehensibly]

I don't know what the fuck I'm doing here.

Take three. [Jim claps]

Jim Lahey, not a super lorry,

with my favorite bottle of all time.

This is RCM-Poo bottle.

And you can drink it right outta the bottle,

or you can pour right outta the neck of the bottle.

Yes.

This is Canadian whiskey.

The finest Canadian whiskey established by one,

a couple hundred years ago by Scottish and Irish immigrants

who came, didn't have the proper things,

but they established the most, you know,

this is Potters, Potters sold to another company in 2004.

And that company way back in 18, 1984 was called

Sunnyvale Liquor Distilleries.

And that is a coincidence that we're gonna

drink a toast to right now.

They're building picture around up high.

I hope you all have a little drinkie poo in your hand,

because this is the day that Jim Lahey tells you about

when I first drink the [indistinct].

Are you ready?

Sit back, light a candle,

put a nice little fire on,

loosen up your underwear. [Jim chuckles]

I'm gonna tell you something

that's gonna give you a little binkie bone.

I remember when I got out of high school,

all I wanted to do was to join the RCMP.

So I went and I took the test and I started the training.

I became officer, I was training,

and guess where my first post was?

Was up in Whistler, British Columbia.

So I'm up in Whistler,

and it was a real rocking town that time,

'cause they had turf wars going between

the male and female prostitutes up there.

I got called on.

Okay, it was a stormy, stormy night.

You know, it was a dark and stormy night.

And I went in,

I was all by myself, 'cause the other guy

was caught in the quad.

So, I arrested these two guys.

They were fighting in a bar there.

Two like pretty good looking, well hung guys from,

they were skateboard or snowboarder kind of guys.

And I was driving them back.

And all of a sudden on the mountain side,

the big fucking avalanche came down

and buried us in an avalanche.

These two guys are really smart and they were telling me

about not trying to, we tried to,

you couldn't dig the snow away or anything like that.

So we decided we were gonna have to wait there.

So we were there all, we were there for a long time.

These guys convinced me that

the most important thing in the world is to stay warm.

'Cause if we try to run the engine,

we carbon monoxide ourselves to death.

So we all crawl into the backseat together,

and just to keep warm, we all took off our clothes.

Anyway, one thing led to another and pretty soon,

you know ...

Anyway,

one of them was a big mouth and when they got CBC involved

and a couple of days later,

and then I was called down and then everybody saying,

and then they sent me back and then I had to resign.

Well, what could I say?

So with my tail between my legs, as it were,

I go back to Sunnyvale, and what happens?

Nothing.

Anyway, it's not a happy story,

but I can make it happy,

'cause I can share a little drinks with

my favorite biggie bottle tonight with you,

my wonderful friends.

[light piano music continues]

Take three.

Hello, Jim Lahey here.

Fuck you.

[light piano music concludes]

Watch your good words.

Never be sick of a friend until he is dead, Randy.

- You're a good man, Mr Lahey, you're a good friend.

- Randy.

When I'm gone, I'll still miss you.

- You're not gonna be gone Mr. Lahey.

- You look beautiful, Randy.

- [Prison Warden] One minute, Jim.

- What did you wanna say to me?

- Nothing, Mr. Lahey.

I just wanted to tell you

the two-for deal's back on at the King.

You get two burgers and two fries for $2.22,

which is a good deal.

And well, I just miss having that combo with you.

- Right.

- [Randy] Yeah, you remember?

We used to go and they'd give us extra ketchup.

- Very comforting, Randy.

- [Randy] Sometimes they, I ...

- [Prison Warden] Time's up, Jim.

- My time's up, Randy.

I hope you and Don are fucking satisfied.

Fuck the book.

- Mr. Lahey.

- Come on.

Son of a whore, stay in.

[Bubbles chuckles]

Boo.

Like a cellophane flower.

[Bubbles chuckles]

Fuck, how long have you guys been staying there?

I hope you, I was just working on the thing here,

concentrating on it.

Trying to get it built in there like that.

I gotta get this finished before I go down to the cafeteria,

the big thing's happening at the cafeteria today.

And Ricky's promised me that he won't, you know,

do anything crazy lady,

but I don't always trust Ricky.

So I feel like if I'm there,

I have a better chance of making sure that doesn't happen.

But I'd like to finish this first and I'm right out of here.

I don't think I'm making any sense.

Am I?

I try to put this, if I figure,

if I can put this down, you know,

if it's curved like a dome,

what do you call that?

Like a curve-a-bolic shape.

Curve-a-bolic.

[Bubbles chuckles]

That's not a word, curve-a-bolic.

I am ready, out of here on this weed.

[buzzer buzzes]

- Hey Bubbles, let's, let's get outta here.

It's tool check time.

- Okay.

- Both of us get home here.

- All right.

- It's been a long day.

Where's that hammer you signed out?

- Hammer's right there, sir.

- Good man.

Where's that igniter now?

- Igniter right there.

- Oh, fantastic.

How about the mall?

- Oh, I got the mall.

- Okay, okey-doke.

- Those are my parts there.

- Flathead screwdriver.

- Flathead screwdriver.

Yes, I just had it.

Just give me a second here.

I had the Flathead, here it is.

Flathead.

- What was that?

That was a close one, eh?

Yeah. - Yeah.

- Okay, uh, the black handle multi driver.

Last one. - Yeah.

- Get that signed off on.

- Black handled multi driver.

I think, I don't think I had the black handled multi driver,

I think ...

- Well, I don't see it here either.

But the trouble is I need it.

- Just wait now, black handle multi driver.

Where's the black handle multi driver?

- Well, look, listen, have a look around.

- Just wait, black handle multi driver.

It's gotta be here.

- You know, listen, if you don't, uh,

if you don't, uh, find this,

it's gonna make me look real bad.

So.

- No, listen, listen.

I can find it, listen.

There was a bunch of people in here today.

You can ask Larry.

I think maybe somebody took it by accident.

Just gimme an hour,

I'll track it down and I'll bring it to you.

- I, I gotta tell you something.

That's really not my problem.

You know, I need to come good for this.

You know, not only that, I gotta get home.

So we're, listen,

we're just gonna go check you out real quick.

- What?

- It's not, no, no.

It'll be just fine, come on.

Come with me for a few minutes right now.

No, no, come on.

- Just wait please.

- Oh, it'll be all good, come on, it'll be over quick.

- Look up the worst names given to children.

There was one, I can't remember what it was,

but I think it was a Chinese family and

they named their kid like ...

- Penis.

- Tin Can Fucking ...

- Cock.

- Tin Can Stupid Fuck-Face or something.

Just unbelievable.

- Tin Can Cock Chew.

- I don't know if it was a, if it was a ...

- Is Cockchew a last name over there I wonder?

- Cockchew? - Yeah.

- Tin Can Cock Chew.

- Worst names in history, man, right here.

Steve Shirtz.

Oh, this chick.

This is the fuck, okay.

Their parents are actually, they got a sense of humor.

This chick's name was BJ Cobbledick.

[all chuckle]

- Cobbledick.

That's a terrible name.

- Chardonnay Hooker, this other name for a chick.

- [Ricky] Yep.

- Harry Balls.

Jarley Mangina.

Hey Jarley.

- Mangina's a last name?

And Balls is a last name?

Fuck, that'd be, that's a cool last name.

- Jesus Condom. - Ricky Balls.

- You remember Carl Balls?

We knew a Balls.

- Jesus. - Carl Balls.

- Look at this guy, Jesus Condom.

- Jesus's Condom? - Yeah.

- That's a good band name, The Jesus Condoms.

- Look at the, you could tell just by this dude's face.

Look at the expression.

He's getting into a fight

after this fucking photo with somebody.

- [Bubbles] Yeah.

- [Ricky] And that's Jesus Condom?

- That's Jesus Condom. Right, guys.

- [Bubbles] Condom, what kind of

a fucking last name is that?

- That's, that's ...

- I'm talking about first names.

- How would they be able to have kids?

- What do you mean?

- I wouldn't think there'd be kids.

- Then their last name doesn't work.

- Hitler Mussolini.

- Dick, Dick is an Assman.

Dick Assman.

Okay, I'm done.

- Those aren't what I was talking about.

There's like first names where people name their kids,

their first names are just fucked.

- Well, those aren't that fucking, they're not great names.

- No, but Google, worst kids' first names given by parents.

- I found out some things, I guess, I don't remember.

I don't even remember writing this shit.

How do you write two pages of shit and don't remember it?

- You do it all the time, Ricky.

- Do you know that German chocolate cake is named after

Sam German, not the country?

I always thought German chocolate cake was

a fucking German thing.

No, just a dude named Sam German came up with it.

- Now black forest cake, I believe is German.

Or is he the German fellow that made that too?

Was Sam German from Germany?

- It doesn't say.

- Well, if he was then it's still German cake.

- Mm, I don't know.

- Sam German.

- But fucking Germany's smart.

They're like, "Oh yeah, we'll take that cake over.

"It's our cake, it's named after our country."

I bet you go to restaurants over there,

it's all you can get for dessert.

German fucking chocolate cake, it's not even theirs.

- Well, any cake you buy in Germany is a German cake,

Ricky, really.

I mean, I guess unless it's imported.

- Have you ate that octopus fucking burger?

That was disgusting.

- I did eat octopus.

- What the fuck are people like?

- Oh yeah, I forgot about that.

You know what, it wasn't bad.

- It wasn't bad at all.

- The thing is its legs and shit were still moving, man.

They were like ...

- They weren't moving for fuck's sake,

I was making them move.

- [Ricky] This was a freaky one.

- He was well dead.

- Well dead?

- Was he cooked?

- Yes, he was cooked.

I didn't eat a raw live octopus on a hamburger bun now.

- No, that wouldn't be as good.

- Octopus are some of the coolest animals ever.

- They're aliens, man.

- No, they are aliens. - They are aliens.

- They are, they've proven it.

- Well.

- They've proven it that it came from

DNA on an asteroid or some shit.

- Wow.

- I, I searched up what the fuck kills the most people.

'Cause I thought snakes or, you know.

- Why would you search that, Ricky?

- I was, I don't know, just wondering about.

Or I thought maybe people, I was wondering,

that's what it was, I was trying,

do snakes kill more people or do people kill more people?

And then I thought about sharks.

I was wrong about it all.

Mosquitoes. - [Bubbles] Yes.

- Kill the most fucking people.

- Yes, they do.

- Fucking bastards.

- 'Cause one mosquito with, you know, shitty disease in 'em.

He could bite 500 fucking people in a day.

- You know how some people like lick their mosquito bites

'cause they're so itchy and they're fucking irritated?

They're licking mosquito piss.

They bite you, they piss on you, man.

- Those dirty little fuckers.

- How much piss have you, yeah,

you've had a lot of mosquito piss over the years, man.

- Big time.

Look, I was fucked.

- Remember the time you passed out with honey on your Wiener

with your pants down?

- And the ants.

- Holy fuck.

- That was not a good day.

- That was unbelievable.

- Did you take a picture of that?

Corey said you did.

- I think I did, but I don't know where the picture is.

- This is fucking trippy.

I should be high for this one.

Before color TV 75% of people dreamed in black and white.

Now it's only 12%, and I'm happy to say that I've done it.

- That doesn't sound right, Ricky.

- Well, it's on one of those sites, doesn't lie.

- It's from watching black and white TVs, you mean?

They would dream in black and white?

- I guess so.

- I could see that actually.

That could be true.

That could be true because if, you know,

people were just as addicted TV back then, even more so,

'cause it was a novelty.

Well you're staring at a black and white picture all day.

- Especially if you're looking at

some black and white ladies and you think,

"Ooh, I might wanna have a nice dream about her later."

- So you were jacking off in black and white?

- Wow, it's cool if you ask me.

- Not many people do that, man.

- 12%.

- Imagine if you could just turn your eyes,

put a filter on them and you just lived in black and white.

- It'd be confusing though, wouldn't it?

- No, why?

It would if you were playing Twister.

[Bubbles laughs]

Get it?

- Yes, or snooker.

- Snooker, yeah, not as good as Twister though.

- Lame.

[peaceful music]

[seagulls screech]

[fish cursing]

[dramatic music]