Original subtitles

- Warning.

The following program contains

really coarse language, weed,

alcohol consumption, smoking,

and sexual Inferences.

This content may not be suitable

for viewers under 18.

To activate parental controls, please press

the big go [beep] yourself button

on your remote control.

[upbeat music]

- All right. Okay, boys guess what?

Guess what? Guess what?

- What?

- You're not gonna like this Bubs,

but you're gonna have to deal with it,

but I'm getting a dog.

- [Ricky] You aren't getting a fucking dog.

- I'm gonna get a fucking dog, man.

- Give me a steak knife Ricky.

- [Ricky] A steak knife.

- I'm getting a fucking dog buddy.

- Nevermind.

- [Ricky] Well look at this shit coming together eh.

Hey, I wonder if he's gonna do a dance for us.

That'd really make me happy right now.

- Would it?

- [Ricky] Yeah, I might even dance

along with the little guy.

- What would make you so happy about that, Ricky?

- I love a little dance on Friday.

- You like to have a little dance.

- A wolf dog Bubs, it's gonna be

a fucking wolf dog.

- What is?

- The dog I'm getting.

- Don't get a wolf, you're not getting a wolf dog.

My kitties will not like a wolf dog.

- That's what I'm saying.

You had kitties your entire life. I've never had a pet.

- You ever read the story about the big, bad wolf, bud.

- What happened in the Big Bad Wolf?

- It wasn't pretty.

- What happened?

- He got killed.

- Did he? How'd he die?

- I don't remember, but I think he got eaten.

- Okay. This is a Wolf dog they said it's a chill dog

- Are those brand new batteries?

- I don't know.

- Plus, what do you got there, man? What is that?

- It takes AAA.

They might be still good though. For all I know.

- Yeah is there not?

- But I can't find an on switch, that's the problem.

- Well that's the fucking problem. He's got a trap door.

[chuckles]

- What the fuck are you talking about?

- I don't know.

I just found him and Ricky doesn't know what he does.

- He, well, cause he doesn't seem that exciting,

but now we think he might be.

- Well, we gotta figure what the fuck the thing does now.

- Maybe rip his tail off.

- No, Ricky don't rip it off.

- No, no, no, no.

What if he gets smacked on the head?

- That might be his sensor

Well, he's got no batteries in him right now, boys.

He's not gonna do all fuck. Is he?

- I Wasn't saying do it.

I was just saying, what if we did this?

- Well, let me put these back in.

- Does this start yet?

Or we just waiting until this is done to start.

- Come on.

- That's like 30 year old batteries, Bubs.

- Hey Bubs,

- Do something

- What's your deal?

- What do you do?

- Talk to him. What's your name

- Do something.

- Maybe you gotta say please. Bud's do something.

- Maybe you gotta check.

- Oh he moves and stuff. I can tell.

- He does dance.

- He's got gears and stuff, but there's no on switch.

- Fuck, there has to be, man.

- Come on.

- Maybe you need this. Do you need this back on?

- I think the batteries are dead.

- Here. Look him up online and tell him,

get his manual going.

- What the fuck is the name of it? Has he got any numbers?

- Nothing. He's just a, a fucking.

- What. What is this thing?

[laughing]

- Is he a squirrel?

- He's a squirrel with a flower

- He's a Prairie dog with a flower and a heart.

- And what were those things on Caddy Shack?

- A gopher.

- Gopher could be a go, no he's too small for a gopher

- Do you ha not have any more batteries, Ricky?

- Battery operated Prairie. What did I say?

Prairie dog.

- Oh, just wait. He's from.

- Oh, here we go.

- He's from Gemmy Industries.

G E M M Y Gemmy Industries.

- Man, you serious?

- Yeah. Getter fired up. Gemmy Industries.

- Just a second. Let me get it on the fucking Google.

- Did we start yet?

- We could start.

- Just a second.

- Gemmy

- All the buttons haven't been pushed

- Oh, these have.

- Okay. What is it? J E M M

- Oh, but there's more screws involved.

- Was it J E?

- Bubs?

- J E? - J E M M Y.

- Industries.

- Jemmy Industries. Yes.

- Boys. This is fucked.

Did we start?

- There's a G

- No. Ricky. You gotta start it.

- G or J.

- G.

- How do you know those batteries work?

- Well, they were making the horns go on the batteries.

- Yeah, but he looks like he needs more power.

- He might. How old is that fucking mouse thing?

- I don't know.

- He's pretty mysterious.

- Is there a year in the thing?

- No, he can't find this company.

- I found the company,

but do you know how many toys this thing the company makes?

nothing was.

- They can't make too many gophers with fucking,

- Just pick. Any dancing, fucking animal.

- What do you think of doing I'm fucking Googling this shit.

- He probably has the same fucking God damned

on off switch somewhere.

- Gopher

- Smart company, Let's hide the fucking on off switch.

Maybe it needs music.

It could be cued by music.

- What the fuck, see.

- Check. One, two. Hey, bud.

- Sing a song.

- ♪ Oh, I'm a dancing little mouse. ♪

- He's not a mouse. [chuckles]

- He's not a fucking, he's not a hedgehog.

- Oh, just wait.

Oh, I feel something in the back of his neck.

- That's a good place to put it

- No, I think he, you smashed him, Ricky.

- Did I?

- Think so? I think he's broken.

I think he's got a broken spine.

- Well, let's take him here.

Let me, you just gotta love him maybe,

and he'll come back to life.

- Give him some love, man. Let's go for it, man.

- He's got a heart in his hand and a rose.

- Rick, just wait, I'm sure we can make this thing work.

Hello?

- If you can convince it that you love it,

It'll start to dance.

[upbeat music]

- Are you kidding me?

- No, you did not.

♪ I think I love you, I think I love you ♪

♪ I think I love you, so what am I afraid of? ♪

[upbeat music continues]

- Fuck.

That's awesome.

[upbeat music continues]

- Oh, look, if you just help him along a little bit, look.

- Loosen him up, yeah.

- That was fantastic.

- It's in his foot, boys.

[upbeat music] ♪I think I love you.

- I think I love you

♪ I think I love you, so what am I so afraid of? ♪

[upbeat music continues]

- Awesome man.

- Look at him go, boys.

- This is the Partridge family.

- He's just, he's just spreading love around the world.

I love this guy that just brought back

a whole lot of memories. Man.

Love this guy.

- The hidden switch is in his left foot.

cocksucker.

- What a great little guy you are.

Spreading the word of love.

[deep exhale]

- A lot of people think they know that they can imagine what

it's like. If they're in,

fucking danger around every corner,

that old soap in the shower shit,

that soap in the shower shit,

I'm talking about shimmy shanking the guy,

and fuck him when he's having,

sitting down and having his fucking gruel for supper.

And that is what I heard is gonna happen

to yours fucking truly today.

Now, one thing for certain, if I get, when bubbles, I went,

I ever that fucking ask what I consider as a human being,

but you know what? Some people get all the fucking breaks.

Yeah, Here's the fucking keys to the cock sucking workshop.

Why? Cause' fuck.

You know what a too wide fucking bittle bottle is?

A bottle glass piece of cock sucker.

Well guess what? When bubbles wasn't looking, I stole this.

Yeah, that's gonna keep, you know what about Ricky?

The other thing about him, he's really fucking.

- One hour until I kill fucking Jim Lahey in the cafeteria.

I'm a little nervous, a little bit excited.

Let's put on some fucking tunes.

Since bubbles wouldn't help me get something to stab him

with, I'm gonna have to build my own little fucking stabber.

So I got my toenail chippers.

I just chip away at this and sharping it up.

It's not fucking working very well though.

[metal scraping sound]

That's not working.

I wonder if I could just flatten this fucking thing out.

[banging]

Pretty fucking hard.

Fuck, that's not gonna work.

[spitting sound]

Fuck. I have to keep chipping away at this fucking thing,

I guess.

Still got an hour.

Come on, mother fucker.

[buzzer sound]

Hey Bubs.

What's going on?

- Hey Ricky.

- How are you?

- I'm good.

Listen, we gotta talk.

- All right.

- What are you hiding back there? What's this?

- Nothing.

- Give me this.

- It's just my hand.

Well, just toothbrush.

Sharpening it up. Are you Ricky? Look at that.

- Nope, I was not sharpening it.

What happened was I found there this morning.

I don't know if it's a squirrel maybe got in it,

or a rat or mouse and it just started eating it.

- A squirrel fucking did that.

- You don't want cut your hand right?

If you're brushing your teeth.

- Oh Yeah. Oh yeah.

Ricky, look at the look at the done with a straight edge.

Some kind of snippers.

- Okay. Bub's you know what? I've gotta make something.

I've gotta kill Lahey today in case he gets out or I get

out, it's gotta be done in here.

Cause it's not really that illegal in jail to kill people.

- What are you talking about?

Ricky it's very illegal.

You can't kill him in here or you're gonna be in here

forever.

- No I won't.

- It's the same as if you did it on the outside.

- It can't be you're in jail.

- It is Ricky.

It's a fucking fact, like you need to research this stuff

before you start stabbing people.

That's what happened to Gonzo down in the other wing,

you know? Big Gonzo.

- Yeah. Yeah, he killed someone.

- Yeah, and he's in here for life.

- Yeah, but I don't think where'd he kill him.

- In here. - No, I don't think so.

I think you got that wrong.

- No, Ricky.

He killed them in here. He was supposed to be in for a week.

Cause he was at the mall. Pulled his pants down.

Stuck his bird in someone's ice cream. That was one week.

- That's why they're calling him ice cream cock.

- Yes. That's why they were calling him ice cream cock.

That's what happened? Everybody was teasing him.

Ice cream cock, ice cream cock.

He turns around. Oh that's funny is it?

[grunts]

Fucking dead.

And then he's in here for life and that's the same thing

that's gonna happen to you.

- I didn't know that. I thought he killed someone outside.

- No in here. And Ricky that's that's the thing.

I mean, I can't lose you.

- Fuck sakes.

- I can't have you in here forever.

You need to come back to the pack.

- I can't.

- You gotta think of your grandson.

- I know. I don't want to be in here for life.

I just thought that if it was only for a few months or

whatever, it'd be worth getting rid of him forever.

- Well, it's not,

I mean you could punch him or something like that, Ricky,

but you gotta promise me you're not gonna, you know,

oh fuck.

- Watch out for Donny!

You okay Donny? That was a little dinosaur I made.

It took, it only took four days. Pretty fucking nice. Eh.

- You made that Ricky?

That was that. That was a, that's T-Rex.

That was the most vicious creature that ever walked the

earth right there.

- Yep. You can believe whatever you want.

And some people believe in them. Some people don't,

I guess I'm not really ever gonna know.

- What're you talking about Ricky?

They know they've dug up the bones.

I mean, they've put the fucking things back together.

- How do you know they're real?

Did you ever meet a dinosaur? No, I haven't.

Like you don't really know?

- Yes. You do know Ricky.

They got their bones and they can test them for DNA and

carbon dating and all that stuff. They know.

- Oh, whatever.

Some people think that, some people don't believe Santa

Jesus, God exists.

But I know that's true. I've seen them.

That's the first thing I made right there.

- What the hell is that Ricky?

- Oh, I don't really know.

I got really high and I was just thinking of doing a

rainbow that gets hit by tornado.

So it just kind of turns into this.

- Rainbow tornado

- Today, we're dealing with

a very special drink from Newfoundland.

A lot of you people don't know about Newfoundland.

You've heard of fucking idiot, Canada.

but Newfoundland sticks straight under the Atlantic

and it's washed by the fucking cruel winds of

the north fucking Atlantic

and the brave Newfoundland sailors for 200 years,

have been shipping out

and they kiss the cod before they go down in the big

[indistinct]

to get the fucking rum because

the rum is where it's at. Seriously.

I think in fact [indistinct]

[slurs speech]

This is called Newfoundland screech.

It's in a bittle bottle.

This is a fucking Lagadoor Betiever.

And this is a fucking faithful dog.

You'll put on a bigger,[indistinct]

[slurs] it's not like a brink brassard

but you can fucking rescue these fucking dogs.

And you know why?

Cause it's got screech and you can get 50 millimeters,

50 proof screech, if you want.

But before you drink it,

you gotta be screeched in the Newfoundland way.

And the screeching goes like this.

You started off you pour a little bottle,

just excuse me. [slurs]

You have to put this right around [giggling]

You have to put just the right.

[gulps]

Ah, do I?

50 proof out of a cup, made it up.

Okay so here we go.

Rule number one, fill your little, you guys rule number two,

pick your MC. I'm not talking about picking your MC.

I'm talking about master ceremony.

[hiccups]

I'll be the master ceremonies today.

Okay. Just pretend you're the guy

that's gonna be screeched. Okay.

Here. I got the cod fish.

Where the fucking cod fish.

Just pretend I have the cod fish in my hand.

Your hand. Okay. Kiss the cod right in the lips.

There. now, that's step three or step two or whatever.

Anyway,

I am gonna do the special speech and then you're going do

the special speech. Okay.

Goes like this.

From the waters of the Avalon to the shores of Labrador.

We always stuck together.

I'm gonna rant, rave, and roar

to those who'd ever been here.

You'll soon understand from coast to coast,

we raise the toast cause

♪we love you Newfoundland.

But you don't drink yet.

First I have to ask you the question is you a screecher?

And then you answer like this,

Deed I am ye old cock and long may yer big jib draw.

That's it say that, deed I am ye old cock.

Say that, long may yer big jib draw.

You got it [indistinct slurs].

And then, and only then are you allowed

to have a little sippy-poo, okay?

Down the hatch.

[grunts]

Okay.

I'll tell you why Jamaica farewell don't know

where the nights are getting.

You know what the national food dish of Jamaica is?

Fucking salt fish from Newfoundland.

And you know what the national drink of Newfoundland is?

Look, empty glassy-poo. Ah, doesn't have to be, look.

This is like [slurs] an old story that I,

you know why they call me officer cod cock?

Because I was screeched in by my old friend, Ray Hurley.

He look, he asked me if I'd be the best man in his wedding.

I agreed, but little did I know I was gonna be all men there

And it was the first time I ever got a binky bonk thinking

about other men's genitalia,

because a lot of the guys took off their bathing suits.

Cause we were in a pool.

It was about 50 fucking Newfoundlander,

fucking blonde guys with big muscles,

cause they coming out from out west.

They were fucking working on the oil patches.

And anyway, I got some getting [slurs indistinctly]

and they said, get out of the pool.

We're gonna get, we're gonna make him, he screech you in.

So I, how much and I [indistinct]

So I took a little duck there and I was holding the duck

over my dick and I climbed over the pool.

And then they hand me [slurs] the cod fish bring pool.

And so what I did was I kiss a cod and the cock and I

shoved him down my little Speedo. And guess what?

Cod cock most open right on my dicky-poo.

That's where they called me officer cod cock,

cause I was running all around the pool.

They were laughing their shits off.

Anyway, I got screeched in that day I tell yeah and I,

something happened to me and I changed, not for the better.

I went into the shitty bits,

but that's another story tune in soon again,

for Jim Lahey and another one of my liquor stories,

his seal.

♪We love you. We love you.

♪We love you Newfoundland.

So,

oh it's already full.

Oh so, fill your glasses bales in and give a little

[indistinct]

Thank you. Turn in more for another story [indistinct].

[giggling]

Think I'll save this,

kidding.

[giggling]

- All right. Allison Hope,

Dear Julian, how do I get over a guy?

Long story short.

I had the opportunity to ask an old friend in marriage about

a year ago did act upon it because I'm extremely shy when it

comes to romantic stuff. And now he has a girlfriend.

Jesus, this is gonna be a fucked up question.

It's kind of long Allison like shorten it down a bit.

All right.

He didn't find out until later that I felt for him that way.

And we haven't talked much since he doesn't wanna

screw things up with his girlfriend.

She regrets this. Now you have a hole in your heart, blah,

blah, blah, blah, blah.

What should I do? I know that I want to meet other people,

but

A. my mind keeps going back to him and

B. I'm a very nervous and somewhat socially awkward person.

I'm also a bit concerned about the expectation of hooking up

or sex without some level of commitment,

giving our current culture and any advice on would be great.

Okay, fuck. Allison.

I mean give it up. Okay.

Okay. This is what you gotta do.

Invite your friend over for a couple drinks. Okay?

Even take his little girlfriend along or whatever.

Get drunk with them.

When she goes off to go to the bathroom, you tell him,

Hey, I wanna really wanna bang you.

I've had these feelings for you.

I really want to bang you, we're drunk.

It's probably I'm I'm outta line right now maybe,

but I want to screw the ass off ya and

I can't get you outta my mind.

Do that. That will help you out.

I mean, you know, don't worry about the other chick.

He's only been going out with her for a year and if you've

known this person for a long time, then if he likes you,

he'll he'll bang you. Especially if he's drunk,

he'll brush off the other chick.

Maybe get him to make an excuse, bang the guy.

And I mean, as for this other stuff,

you're socially awkward. Liquor will help you out.

Okay.

You're a bit concerned about hooking up and having sex.

Everybody's banging these days. Okay.

There's protection. Just go.

What? I mean if this guy doesn't go for what I just said,

go out and get banged. Get drunk, get banged.

Make sure you don't hook up with some creepy dick.

All right.

Aidan Fry,

Dear Julian.

What's the fastest and easiest way for a 16 year old to make

money?

All right. That's an easy one.

The fastest and easiest way to make money is to go steal it.

Okay. You can rob somebody.

It's very easy thing to do, but you're 16.

You're probably not that bright and you'll probably get

caught and go to jail.

So what you have to do is do what normal 16 year olds do.

I mean, I was always breaking the law.

I never really had a real job.

I worked at a pizza joint for about a month and that sucked

what you should do.

Get a fucking paper route man.

No that you're too, too old for that.

Get a fucking job at a fast food restaurant. Okay.

It's shitty, but it'll teach you good work ethic.

Maybe you'll make something of yourself, man.

But easy, fast way of doing it.

When you're 16, there's no other way of doing it.

If you wanna do it easy and fast, you gotta break the law.

So don't want, I don't suggest you do that,

but I don't know how stupid are you.

You are or how smart you are. So I don't know.

Can't really help you out dude.

- When the person invented the pencil, okay.

They didn't invent the fucking eraser.

How many years after the pencil was invent?

- I think that would be expecting a lot.

I mean, come up with a pencil,

like you just like automatically, well fuck bud,

you gotta come up with that. You gotta get,

come up with something gets rid of it.

- So how many years later.

- I'm gonna say a lot.

- Like how many?

- 20?

- Nope, 22.

- I say fucking, 200.

- 229.

- It's 220 years.

- That was pretty fucking crazy.

- That's a fucking long time to knock on man.

- It's 220 years. Holy fuck, I was sort of joking.

- No. So somebody in invent the pencil

and then nobody for 220 years thought, fuck

I wish I could get rid of that thing that I just wrote on

that page. Cause if I could just erase that.

- So really, eraser guy's smarter

and probably a fuck of a lot more richy.

- Than pencil man?

- Yes.

- I don't think so.

- A pencil man probably got pretty boring after a while.

- Yeah, but he had 220 years to make his fortune

before eraser guy even shower up.

- But eraser guy probably sold stuff for a lot more money

and everybody needed one,

cause they already had the pencils from pencil guy.

- Yeah. But eraser guy,

he took too fucking long and he missed the boat.

Although once he figured out

how to make those smelly erasers.

- Oh see that was a whole new level for him.

- The strawberry erasers I bet you

- That's the thing.

Pencil guy just stick stuck with the same old, the pencil.

That was it.

- Well, no he.

- At some point eraser guy went to him, said, bud, come on,

you gotta let me in here and put me on top of your pencils.

And they made some sort of a deal, I guess.

- Like the peanut butter and chocolate people.

- But he never made many changes to it.

Whereas eraser guy he's always coming up with

something new and cool.

- So he probably did a deal with him where he is like, look,

we'll put my eraser on the end of your pencil,

splitter 50, 50.

But then he probably went, you know what? Fuck you, bud.

I'm gonna make

fucking strawberries short cake erasers, and sell them

- Oh. And then he started making those ones,

the little puzzle erasers and shit.

He he's always coming up with it, eraser guy.

He's a smart fucking dude.

- Eraser guy.

- Or maybe it's a woman probably is.

- Probably is.

- If you guys ever eaten an eraser tried.

- Yes.

- Chewed on them, the grape ones.

They're not great.

- They don't taste like grape.

- Smell good.

If you're keep smelling through your nose as you're chewing

them, not bad.

- Okay. There's a tip for everybody.

- Why?

- If you're gonna eat one of those scented erasers,

breathe in as you chew. So you can at least smell.

It.

- Smells like it tastes good, but.

- It doesn't taste good.

It's a fucking eraser.

- Remember that time you got a pencil erasers shoved in your

pencil hole and you couldn't get it out?

- I knew you were gonna fucking bring that up.

- Well. It's worth talking about.

- Well, it was a fucking accident.

- How I still, you never clarified why you,

- I had a pencil in my pocket.

There was a hole in my pocket.

I got booted by this chick who was in front of me by

accident eraser went through the pocket.

Bing didn't have underwear on that day. Right in the pistol.

And that's when I went to take it out.

- Awfully fishy to me, Julian.

- What do you think I was doing?

- What are the mathematical chances?

- I think you were, were sitting around big going.

Wonder if that'll fit in my best hole.

- No I didn't.

- That's what I think.

- Who would do something like that?

Not me.

There's people out there that probably would do that,

but not this guy.

- Maybe you're trying to erase

what happened the night before.

[upbeat music]

[seagulls chirping]

[fish sounds]