Original subtitles

- [Narrator] Warning. The following program

contains really coarse language, weed,

alcohol consumption, smoking and sexual Infor, for, lences.

This content may not be suitable for viewers under 18. To

activate parental controls, please press the big

go f#*#k yourself button on your remote control.

[relaxing mood music]

- Wake up.

- Where's Ted?

- Oh my God.

- Ricky, what the fuck? Where did you get this?

Is this what you're using to eat with?

- Yeah, you can eat faster.

- No, you can't.

- The bigger, the bigger shit is, the quicker shit is.

- This is your spoon now is this, Ricky?

Ricky, You can't get anymore and

it doesn't make your mouth bigger.

- I'll be just like Confucius.

Bigger shit is the faster shit.

No, the bigger shit is, the quicker shit is.

- Well, what?

- You left your markers in my shed.

- Here, man. Have some, it's good.

- I'm not fucking eating that. Are you crazy?

- Make sure you got nothing to do for four or five hours.

- What are you doing with these?

- Those are my giant tooth picks to go with my giant spoon.

- They're, they're wooden chopsticks, Ricky.

They're not tooth picks.

- They're fucking wood.

- You think that's a toothpick?

- It's a wooden thing, yeah.

- It says chop sticks right on them. Wooden chop sticks.

- I thought that was Chinese for toothpick.

- Oh my fuck, Ricky

- You know Chinese doesn't use letters like us, right?

It wouldn't say, oh my God.

Any who's.

- How are you doing? What are you saying, man?

- I'm fantastic.

- How come you left so early last night?

- Because I had to get up early.

- For what?

- I had to go looking for carts. There was a bunch of carts.

I heard through the grapevine,

that there was a few gonna end up in the pond.

- I forgot. I forgot I was reading last night.

- What were you reading?

- Did you know your cats can fucking see in the future?

You just gotta figure out how to learn what they're saying.

- How do, how do you do that?

- What are you talking about? What is this?

- It's a book I got, gotten to getting read.

- Psych, psychic pets.

- Ah, come on.

- Fucking cool stuff.

- How to identify, interpret and coax

extra sensory responses from animals.

- Boom.

- So can you, is that, is there any truth

in this shit, or what?

- What do you think?

- I don't fucking know. You're the cat expert here, man.

- It's a book. Of course it's true.

- Ricky, this is bullshit.

- Well, how would they let them rate,

write it down then if it's not true?

- I mean, so it's hard to get a book fucking going,

isn't it? So there's gotta be some truth in it, Bubbs.

- Chapter one, telepathic dogs.

- So what is it.

- Perhaps, no other single animal has inspired such

rhapsody of affection and nostalgia as the dog.

Bullshit.

- Well, dogs are pretty cool.

- That one sentence right there tells me it's bullshit.

- It's even an old book, so it has to be true.

- On the making of a psychic pet.

I wanna see the section on cats.

- What do you think, people just make stuff up,

write it down, a it's a book?

- Yeah. That's called fiction.

- Well, that's not fiction.

- This was in the truth section.

- The truth section?

- I don't know, Bubbs. I kind of think.

- Penetrating the psychic world of your pet.

Yeah, I bet you they're penetrating

some things, these weird bastards.

- There's a lot of people banging fucking pets these days.

- Psychic cats.

- I hate the word fiction. Nonfiction.

Like, it's too confusing. Why don't they

just say true or not true?

- Well, because

- That's a good question.

- And non, cause non-fiction, that's the true stuff,

isn't it?

- [Bubbles] Yes.

- And it sounds like non-true.

- No, cause fictional means made up.

- Not real.

- Well, it's dumb. They should change that.

- So you think non-fiction should be non-true?

Well, it is non-true.

- Just true or not true. Like if you walk

in the fucking bookstore, true, not true.

- Yeah, but fiction, nonfiction.

- Okay. True, made up.

- Fiction,

made up.

Nonfiction, non made up.

- Don't like it. Unless you're at least 10 or 12,

you're not fucking thinking about it like that.

- Or what if it was like the truth and then bullshit?

- Perhaps the most telepathic and mysterious of all animals,

cats have been worship feared, included and complicated.

- Whoa, man. Sorry.

- Poetry.

- I always, I always thought cats were the dumbest.

- You think so, do you?

- You don't.

- Well, have you seen the Super Cats cat show I put on?

- I know, but you also see these things on like, you know,

fucking, those talent shows where there's

dogs running around fucking jumping over things.

- That doesn't mean they can see into the future.

- I'm just saying they could be smarter,

more talented than cats.

- No, they're not. Cats are the smartest animal there is.

- Bull fucking shit. They're smarter than a fucking monkey?

- Smarter than a dolphin and a monkey.

- Bull fucking shit.

- They are. I had cat, I had a cat that could read.

- Yeah? Well, I'm

- He could read a full book

- He could read? Bullshit.

- He used to read. I'd come home and he'd have a book out.

- I knew a dog that could count.

- Come on, Bubbles.

- I have had lots of cats that can count.

- Well, how do you know Ricky? You can't even fucking count.

- I had a dog when I was little, that could say 10 words.

- Ricky.

- They all sounded a lot of like, but they were.

- What's the word, Bark? Bark. Bark.

- [Julian] No that's,

- He could say a herro.

- He said what?

- Herro. That was, that was hello.

- No, he was just barking cause he had to piss

or something. He had to go outside.

- What else could he say, Ricky?

- I think it was good morning, but that seems awful long.

- Good morning?

- Oh, it was hun, hungry. I forget how he said hungry,

but he said, he could tell you he was hungry.

- Was it this, Hungry?

- That's pretty close.

- Yeah. He's just barking.

- Almost sounded like horny. It was kind of.

- Hungry.

- Yeah, boys. They're not trying to talk.

- No, I agree.

- Ricky, what the fuck?

- It's barking.

- The fucks going on with this internet, man?

- Don't read this anymore.

- Just, I mean, are you sure? It's not really.

- How much fucking hash and weed did you put in this thing?

- A lot.

- Hey buddy.

- Hey Ricky.

- What's up, bud?

- Hey bud.

- How's it going, man?

- Well, it's going Ricky, but I'm not particularly

excited about what you're about to tell me.

- What do you mean?

- I just took the big fucking lowest stuff from Reggie

and I don't know what in the fuck.

- Nice. He brought it already?

- He brought all of it. I don't have a clue

what you're looking for, but I can tell you right now,

there's a lot of weird stuff there.

- Did he get the big propane tank?

- Yes, the propane tank.

- Yes

- There's two of them. Two propane tanks.

- Bro, you want some popcorn?

- Yeah, help yourself.

- Yeah, funny.

- Fucking good man.

- We met a guy in here. Johnny from Boston.

- Really smart guy.

- Really smart.

- Here we fucking go.

- And he's a fisherman,

so he can unload

as much weed as we can get him.

We just need to find a way to get it there.

- Bubbs, put the phone back up to your ear.

- Big fucking surprise, hey fellas?

- Put the, yeah listen.

- No, this is brilliant, cause

it's a part two to this as well.

- Um, actually part three.

- What's part three?

- Just keep going.

- Just boys, I don't have all fucking day,

despite what you may think.

- Okay. We're just gonna get right to it.

Don't fucking freak out. And actually,

you're gonna love this. I don't know why I was thinking

you'd freak out, but we need you to build a submarine.

- A submarine?

- Yeah.

- Do you know, Ricky, how fucking complicated

it is to build submarine?

- It's not hard at all. We looked online.

- There's videos, man.

- Yep.

- There's videos?

- Go online.

- Yeah. Did you notice if anybody survives?

- Oh, big time.

- In the videos?

- Big time.

- Just go on you porn, and there's like,

three or four videos on how to make a submarine.

- On you porn?

- YouTube.

- Or, yeah. The other one.

- YouTube? There's videos on you, well, Ricky.

- There's two farmers fucking built one, man.

They're farmers.

- There's a big propane tank. Actually look,

I got it all figured out here.

- Here we fucking go.

- Okay.

- I'll tell you right now, just before you get too into it,

I am not building you a submarine.

- You have to. We're gonna go to jail.

- What you can't? You're not going to you, or you can't?

- Ricky. You're in jail. I don't know

if you looked around in the last while.

- I know, but this guy gets outta here.

He's going back to Boston in two weeks,

and he's gonna have, so if you can have it built

for two weeks, that'd be perfect.

- Why do I, why do I even come down here?

- So, here's sort of what I was thinking.

- You might want to take a picture of this.

So the big body of it, that's the propane tank

that hopefully you've got. And then the things on the sides,

those are called they're called ballast, okay?

- I know what that is. Yes, Ricky.

- So you'll need like an air compressor,

cause you gotta be able to put water in them to go sink down

and you gotta put air in them to go sink up.

- Yeah. I know how a submarine works, Ricky.

I get the fucking physics behind it,

but you don't just whip one together out of fucking old

propane tanks that Reggie drops off from the junkyard.

- No, you do. That's what they made. And I'm gonna need a

couple windows. I wanna be able to see.

- Windows?

- In case, you know, you pass by something cool.

And then for the power, I was thinking, like, you know

how a shark swims, he flicks his tail back and forth.

- Yeah.

So if you could build, like a, something

like that, that'll flip back and.

- Oh, just a simple shark fin fucking submarine.

- No, just use the fucking, the engine in, uh, the gold car.

That'll be, that would work.

- That's not gonna power a submarine.

- Yes it will.

- You guys are completely, I think you're,

what's in your popcorn?

- Okay, you know what? It doesn't even need power,

cause he actually said as long as we can get it underneath

the water, he can tow it back with a boat.

So as long as you can just build something,

that's gonna go sink down in the water and sink up

when you need it to sink up, when you get to the right

place, the thing is drugs are, they're legal in Canada.

They're kind of legal down there.

They're just not legal in between.

So if we get it to go hidden.

Hide-sees.

- Ricky, you don't need to explain the concept to me.

I understand. But what I'm telling you is, A,

I don't have fucking time to build a submarine, B,

I don't wanna build a fucking submarine and be

involved in your drug running scheme.

- What? Why are you so busy all of a sudden?

- I have good things to do.

- What do you mean you don't have the time? Like what?

- I'm working on carrots and I'm working

on trying to make some songs.

- You will make money doing this, believe me.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, and you know what they also do? They go to jail.

See where you guys are? See where I am?

I'm out here, cause I don't do stupid things. Like, try to

send submarines full of drugs to the United States.

- Outta sight, Out of mind, right?

- Ricky, the coast guard. You know that the, the

Columbian drug people, they use submarines.

- Right. Smart.

- No.

- They are smart.

- Because the coast guard now have submarine detectors,

because that's the fucking vehicle of choice.

- Oh, come on.

- Yeah, because they've got cars. They're dumb.

No one's gonna think that someone like you is gonna build a

submarine and use it to ship drugs.

- May I ask, who was supposed to pilot said vehicle?

- Maybe we won't. Maybe we'll just have it towed.

It's just a towable, it's like an underwater trailer.

- Okay, look. Underwater trailer,

I might be able to build you.

- You'll be safer.

- I am not building something that we're putting a human in,

and then being responsible for his death.

- We can test it with one of your cats first, or whatever.

- No, we're not testing anything.

- Just test it with Corey. Put Corey in it.

- I'm not putting Corey in a submariner vehicle

that I build. No chance. Cause if he drowns,

then that's on me and I ain't, not doing it.

I will look at the fucking thing.

- Yup.

- Here I'll take a picture of it, and I will look at it.

- Awesome buddy. This is gonna be

your retirement cause guess what? It's not gonna

come back with an empty load either.

- I've got another connection. This is the part three.

They're gonna be taking liquor back with you.

- Oh my jeez.

- Like, a lot of it.

- I'm not going on the trip. Just so you're aware.

- You will get 10 bottle. 10 bottles of fucking rum.

- I'm not going to the fucking United States

hauling a drug submarine behind.

- Yes, you are, man.

- Think about the money we can make.

Drugs going in, booze coming back. Win, win.

- Bubbles going to jail for life. Fantastic.

- For what? It's not even illegal.

- International drug smuggling. Boys, I'm not doing it.

I'll look at your thing and I might build you

some kind of thing, but I am not getting on any fucking

boats to the United States, hauling drugs behind me.

- Fine.

- Alright, just work on the trailer part, right?

But think, keep in mind, how you gonna, you know,

if you could put an engine in it, maybe, you know.

- I'll look. I'll look. I'll maybe work something out.

- Make sure there's some brackets in there, and some mounts.

- Awesome buddy, whatever parts you need,

just let Reggie know, and put them on my account.

- Well maybe I'll make a nuclear sub, boys.

Maybe I'll make it nuclear.

- Perfect. What does that mean?

- It'll go fast.

- I'm joking. I'm just joking.

- All right bud.

- Alright.

- Good luck man.

- Just one more thing.

- Take some pictures.

- Quit calling me down here for stupid shit.

- I don't care for a goddamn Hancock tower.

- Listen, Bubbles wants to see this.

He wanted to go on the fucking roller coaster at the mall,

and you fucked that up in Minneapolis, didn't you?

- I can't wait to see this guys, this is gonna be fun.

- Hang back. If we get thrown out of here cause

you're not wearing a fucking shirt, I'm gonna snap.

- What do you mean?

- Bubbles wants to see this place.

- Just got your Chicago. We're here at the

John Hancock tower. I always wanted to go up this fucking

thing. I saw it on the TV one time. And we're going right up

to the top of this cock sucker. Right now.

- Handcock.

- Let's just do it. Let's just do it.

- That's a good name, Handcock.

- Not Handcock, Ricky. Not hand on a cock.

Hancock, without the D.

- Let's just get this over with please.

- Randy, you hang back a bit. You shirtless fuck.

- [Randy] What do you mean?

- Just don't fuck this up.

- Look at that thing, Ricky.

- Hey, man, check it out. Look at my tits, Bubbs.

- Ricky, that's not even funny, man.

- This one's moving. You can move this thing.

- Take it with us then.

- It's a lot lighter than it looks.

- [Randy] How long am I supposed to wait guys?

- Just hang back behind us.

- Randy, Just find something to do, would you?

- I wanna go up too, bubbles.

- [Bubbles] Well you can come in. Just hang back, though.

Just, do not get me kicked out.

- [Ricky] Pretend you're by yourself, you dick.

- How does this thing work? Oh.

- Be careful, man.

- I almost got squished.

I almost got squished.

- I think I like, what's the name of this place? Chicargo.

- Chicago. Ricky. There's no R in it.

Where do you think we go, boys?

- I'm afraid of, uh, what do you call it

when you're afraid of being up high?

- Heights, Ricky.

- I'm afraid of them. So I'm a little afraid right now.

- Okay. Well let's just find out where we go.

- [Employee] How's it going?

- We're really stupid. And we're from Canada, and we're

trying to get up to the place where it's high up.

- [Employee] [Mumbling]

- Okay. Thank you very much.

- Awesome. Thank you very much.

I stand in lines. As soon as I stand in line up,

I gotta use it.

- Well, let's go then.

I don't want to be here. I don't give,

- I'm not going. I'm just saying I gotta use it.

- Guy with the scarf on over there looks like he,

he's just giving me dirty looks, but,

obviously he wants to fight me.

- Which guy?.

- [Ricky] The guy with the scarf on.

- Ricky, you get into a fight in the fucking Hancock Tower.

- You know what, he better stop looking at me cause,

- You're gonna go to jail. He's not looking at you.

- I'll throw down right now. I don't care.

- He did not look at you.

- He's looking at me cause my shirt, I guess.

What, oh my track pants aren't good enough for you?

You don't like my fucking track pants?

- Ricky.

- Fuck off.

- Ricky, calm down.

- Bubbs, You know, I wasn't sure about this,

but I think it's going to be alright.

I'm a little freaked out it. I, I've got a fear of highs.

Not in all highs. I mean, I like getting high,

but when you're high up, I have a fear of that.

I have a fear of highs.

- Well, Ricky, there's nothing to be afraid of.

You're just, it's just, you're on a regular floor.

The floor just happens to be way up in the air. That's all.

- I know, but if you jumped off, you would die.

- Yeah, but just don't jump off.

- Boys, did you know that Chris Farley

died in this building?

- What?

- Oh my God. That's how I know the name, The Hancock tower.

- He died here.

- Can he smoke here?

- No, Ricky, you can't.

- You can't smoke here.

- Why don't you just fucking be quiet for a minute.

You can't smoke or drink in the fucking lineup.

We've only been waiting a couple of minutes.

- Well maybe they've got the ADB, or whatever.

The AEG, or what the fuck is it called?

- ADHD? That's what you have.

You need Ritalin or something, Rick, cause you're fucked.

- No, I need hash or oil or weed or liquor.

It's not that fucking complicated.

- It's not gonna happen here, we're going to the Hancock.

I will leave right now, if that's what you guys want to do.

- [Bubbles] Look how happy the people are leaving.

They had a great time.

- [Ricky] Was it worth it? Was it good?

- It's cool.

- Alright. Bullshit.

Sure man, you got any liquor or drugs?

- You guys, you guys are selling drugs, man.

- We have to ask you to turn that off when you go upstairs.

- [Ricky] We will definitely do that.

- This?

- The camera.

- Oh, I don't have the camera.

- You guys are together.

- Yes.

- No, I don't know this guy.

- What is the question?

- [Employee] The camera has to be turned off

when you go upstairs.

- Oh, it does?

- [Employee] Yes.

I can't turn it on Once I get up there? Aww.

Oh look at that. It turned back on by accident.

- Bubbs?

- What?

- They said you gotta turn that fucking thing off.

- Well I did, it turned back on. Not my fault.

[loud fart]

- [Bubbles] God, is this our table?

- [Ricky] Bubbs, Bubbles, this is awesome. Look at this.

This is the best place ever man. Is that real?

- [Bubbles] Yes, Ricky. That's a window, we're looking out.

Look down.

- [Ricky] Here, let me sit here, Bubbs.

Whoa. I almost fell in.

This would be a good place to smoke a joint.

So what is that? North America?

- That's Chicago, Ricky.

- That whole thing is just Chicago?

- That's whole thing is Chicago.

- [Ricky] So that's not the whole United States of America?

- [Bubbles] No, it is. I mean, it continues on,

but you're not gonna see the whole thing. You'd have to get

a lot higher to see out to California or whatever.

- [Ricky] That is a fucking lot bigger than Sunnyville, Bud.

- Alright, fuck it.

- I might have to have a nap, boys.

- Oh, I thought you'd never ask.

- Well, I'm not asking you.

Ricky, show me how you use your new spoon.

- Oh man.

- Do you side load it or do you front load it?

- Well, when you think about it, one spoon full, then.

- Yeah. Ricky, but it doesn't mean you can eat any faster.

- But if you had a little spoon,

you'd have to fucking do that 14 times.

- So you're mean you're cutting down on this time,

the back and forth to the mouth time?

- Right. It's not fucking efficient.

- You just go like one big shovel,

and then you just keep it here?

Do you do that or do your front load it?

- [Ricky] It's really good for soup.

It's like a bowl almost. Except I have to

buy a bigger bowl, cause it's hard to get the soup

out of the bowl. You can't use a cup.

- That's fucked on so many levels, Ricky.

I don't even know what to say.

- Alright, boys, this is gonna freak you out, but in Brazil,

in Brazil, there's a Brazilian wandering spider.

- Yeah.

- It bites you, you get an uncomfortable fucking boner

that lasts for hours. Did you know that existed?

- I did not.

- What do you mean an uncomfortable boner? Like it's just?

- It's fucking, it's hard for so long

that it gets, it starts to turn painful.

- I can't imagine that ever happening.

- I was thinking the same thing.

- What do you think?

- So wait, what's it called?

- A wandering spider that wanders around, and blech.

- Yeah, he's wondering if you need a boner or not.

- That's what he's wondering.

- Cause he'll give you one.

- He might, well, if it's painful, it must be like,

just throbbing. He probably added a half inch on there.

- Well, I'm not, I'm telling you, man, he's a fucking prick.

Look at that gnarly fucking thing.

- There's a way to make money, Bub.

- Does it need to bite you on the wiener,

or can it bite you anywhere?

- I could bite you anywhere, man. It's just.

- Start bottling those up and sell them.

- Yeah, but I was thinking of that.

But man, I don't like spiders.

- Should be called the Viagra spider.

- Must be a way to get his magical liquid

out of him without him biting you.

- Yeah. He could probably like,

- Put in a capsule.

- All you'd need is a pair of tweezers.

- To do what?

- Little bit of spider lube.

- But you're not gonna jack off a spider man.

- No, I don't think instead of the.

- It's out of the fucking teeth.

- You can jack off Spiderman.

- I didn't say that.

- No, he must have fangs. Does he?

- He's got fangs, but who wants to deal with these things?

- No, but there must be a Fang, gland.

- The fuck?

- But that's a lot of money, man.

- But they already sell Viagra and Cialis.

- It doesn't give you an uncomfortable boner for hours.

No, it does actually.

- Cialis does.

I've heard.

I've never taken it.

- All right. I can't do anything with this internet, man.

We gotta try, can't we jack into like, fucking,

- Hey.

someone else's

- What was that snake you were telling me about, man?

That sounded fucked.

- What snake?

- He bites you and he makes your blood boil.

- Oh, yeah.

- Or not boil, but freeze.

- Cocksucker. He's down in Costa Rica.

Eyebrow Viper. Eyelash Viper.

- [Ricky] Yeah. The yellow eyelash Viper.

- [Bubbles] He bites you.

- [Julian] Yeah.

- [Bubbles] And it turns your blood to that.

- [Ricky] This.

- Jelly. Oh yeah, yeah. I've seen yeah. You can take it out.

- Yeah. You're dead in 30 seconds. No turning back.

- Didn't they show if it was a thing of blood and they put

some of this.

- They put some of his juice in it,

and then it just turned into that.

- Coagulates it and then.

- They just blobbed her out on the table.

That's what it does in your veins.

- Little fuckers.

- That's what it does in your veins.

- Imagine, they must feel pretty tough, though.

They're like, alright bud. You wanna fuck with me, do you?

- I'm gonna turn you, you into jelly in a second.

- Prepare to fucking painfully fucking die.

- Jellify your blood.

- I wish I had, that'd be a great superpower, wouldn't it?

- Jellify your blood? What would his name be?

- Yeah, that's a tough one.

- Je-Lo.

Like, J-Lo.

- I gotta have a nap, boys. I'm telling you,

I can't, I'm done.

- I'm napping first.

- No, I'm getting.

- Nobody's fucking napping.

- Are you kidding me man?

- I got the couch. [laughing triumphantly]

- Oh, God dammit.

- I'll get the fucking chair, I guess.

- You can snuggle up with me if you want, Julian.

- You're gonna miss the fucking chicken pancakes.

- Here man, I'll snuggle

- No, I ain't. No, my feet need to go there.

- Look at that little cute couple.

- My feet feel nice on your wiener, Julian.

- Bubs, get it off my fucking wiener, man.

All right, I'm done.

- All right. Good night.

[relaxing mood music]