Original subtitles

- [Ricky] Warning, the following program contains

really coarse language, weed, alcohol consumption,

smoking, and sexual inferences.

This content may not be suitable for viewers under 18.

To activate parental controls,

please press the go [beep] yourself button

on your remote control.

[gentle music]

- [Julian] What the fuck you doing?

- I'm only eating once this week.

- What? Once?

- Yep.

Too much shit going on

with the fucking Stanley Cup playoffs,

fucking NBA playoffs, fuck eating.

I'm just gonna drink and smoke.

- You're gonna fuck, you're gonna eat,

This is gonna, Rick-

- It's gonna last me a week, bud.

- [Julian] The fuck's Bubs' doing?

- Fuckin' slept over last night.

- [Julian] Bubs!

- [Ricky] Fuck, we gave 'er last night.

- Bubs. - What?

- You passed out early, you pussy.

- Come on. - What?

- [Julian] Get up, man. We gotta do this fucking thing.

- [Bubbles] I am, I did it.

- No, you didn't do...

What do you mean you did it?

You got a- - Couple more minutes, Julian.

- [Julian] How fucked up were you?

You've got a, what is this? - He was fucked last night.

- What? - You've got a doormat.

- Oh, Rick, he doesn't have blankets, so.

It was cold in here so I took his Jesus mat.

- Fuck man, you could've woke me up.

I could've got you something.

- No, this towel was pretty warm.

Oh fuck.

- Just check out what he's doing over there.

- What?

- He's not eating this week.

- I'm eating. Just once.

- [Julian] Well, he's eating once.

- Is this what you were talking about last night, Ricky?

- Yeah, man.

- Super sub.

- Fuck yeah.

[Bubbles sighs]

You guys can...

I don't know what the fuck you guys like,

so you can do your own up there.

- Here, do you want me to meat 'er up for you?

Is there any pattern to it or...

Just getting it on there? - Yes there is.

- Holy fuck, boys.

- How'd you sleep, man?

You didn't get much sleep.

Fuck, you were up till what? Four?

- Yeah, [sighs] drive the fuckin' meat to 'er.

Just drive the meat to 'er.

- [Julian] Put extra pepperoni on this end.

I don't like mayonnaise.

- [Bubbles] Well, are you getting any of this?

Or is this Ricky's? - I don't-

- I'm just gonna have half, I think.

I don't think I can eat the whole thing.

- [Bubbles] You're not eating it

all at once, are you, Ricky?

- I'm gonna eat this half.

Then I won't have to eat for the rest of the week.

- Ricky, you can't just drive that whole fucking

three feet of sub into you and expect not to eat for a week.

- Too much fucking good sports going on now.

I don't have time to make food.

I don't have time to eat food.

- Ricky, you- - All you're gonna do,

you're gonna eat three feet,

you're gonna be fucking too full

and then you're gonna go to the bathroom,

then you're gonna be starving again in two days.

- This is what you gotta do.

You gotta fucking make this thing.

Cut it up, alright?

You got, like, something you can wrap it up?

- Nope. - You could have, like,

fucking 30 different meals, man.

- I just gotta- - Here, I can

finish that for you, Rick.

- All right, maybe I can't eat it all at once,

but now I'm done cooking for the week.

Thank fuck, god, that was a lot of fucking work.

- Here, I can,

I can keep driving the meat to 'er for you.

- [Julian] You like driving the meat, don't you, bud?

[Bubbles and Julian groaning]

- Yeah, to your mother. [chuckles]

- The fuck you got going on with this guy?

- Get that fuckin' think out of my face.

I don't like chickens.

- [Ricky] You were freaking out with that last night.

- Well, you know what happened.

You know why I don't like chickens.

- I did know and now I forget, though.

- Hey Ricky, where'd you get this little wig? [giggles]

Look at that.

Here, put that, then he won't look so menacing. [laughs]

There! [giggles]

- [Julian] Looks like one of the Beatles.

- Okay, here.

We're just gonna be almost done here.

Did you put the sauces onto 'er, Ricky?

- It's got some mayonnaise.

Just a little appetizer here.

- I would drive more mayonnaise.

I mean, you're talking a lot of surface area here.

- [Ricky] Yeah, you might be right.

- Boys, I can't even get this fucking thing open

because of the sandwich.

You gotta hurry up.

- Just wait, I'll-

- [Ricky] Fuck, heaven forbid you're

without your smart box for fucking 10 seconds.

- Well, this is a fucking show we're doing right now.

They're not watching you guys making fucking subs.

- Alright. Well, what do you wanna talk about, man?

I got a few things, not much.

I was thinking about food.

- You driving the mustard to 'er, Ricky?

- Drive the meat- - Put some mustard over here.

- Yeah, mustard's good.

Eating sucks, I mean, it's good,

but it sucks too, you know what I mean?

- What do you mean, like- - It sucks to make it all.

- So, you'd like, would it be...

Are you the kind of person that just, like,

take a pill instead of eating this?

- Oh fuck, if I could, yes.

I mean, I enjoy food.

I just don't, I get sick of fucking making it

after this many years of doing it, right?

- Oh, there we go.

- Holy fuck. You know what?

This thing is, this is a sandwich, man.

- That is quite a fucking beast.

- Don't I sometimes...

Oh here it is.

Get some fucking pepper onto this fucking thing.

Oh, you don't want pepper.

- Throw some pepper on it, man.

- That is a nice sub.

That's a nice sub.

[pepper mill crunching]

Yeah, here Ricky.

Maybe drive some pepper onto that guy too.

[pepper mill crunching]

- Decent.

- So, you know,

this actually looks like the best thing you've fucking,

you've made in a long time, man.

- Ah, fuck! - What happened?

- Except for that. [chuckles]

- Here. - That's fine.

- You know why? - Ricky, just blow on it.

- It had a fucking- - Mix 'er around a bit.

- [Ricky] I forgot to take the god damned-

- [Bubbles] Just blow on it. Blow on it.

- [Ricky] Forgot to take the cover off.

- [Bubbles] Most of the loosies will come off,

the loose guys, blow on it.

[Ricky puffing]

There you go, see?

Now it's not over-peppered.

- Wow, I'm good at blowing.

[Bubbles chuckles]

- You want ketchup on it?

- I do not.

- Who puts ketchup on a fucking sub?

- I thought you did, Julian, so-

- I don't put ketchup on a sub, man.

I put mustard on a sub.

- Okay.

- Okay, the sub is complete.

So, Ricky's got enough.

- So, yeah, I was looking at food shit.

And, I'm not gonna do all these,

but I found out some really fucked up stuff about food.

Do you know, honey is bee vomit.

- Yeah, I knew that.

Regurgitated bee- - Honey is bee vomit?

- Yeah, they fucking eat the stuff,

the puke it up, twice actually.

The collector bee pukes it up to some process bee

and he pukes it up, lots of fucking [indistinct].

Didn't know that.

You know nutmeg?

We gotta get some of that shit.

- Yeah? - I don't like it

but guess what you can do with it?

- What? - Two or more teaspoons,

fucking have hallucinations. - Ricky.

- I say we fucking do it tonight.

- We're not, we're not getting fucked up on nutmeg, man.

- Come on.

- All right, Bubs, pick up the other end of that.

- Are you transporting 'er?

- Right here.

- You're washing that fucking towel after.

- This is to keep it from fucking going bad.

- [Bubbles] You're rolling it up in a towel?

- [Julian] Yeah, what else?

He doesn't have any of this shit left.

- [Bubbles] You could have put it in

fucking Saran Wrap or something.

- You think he has Saran Wrap?

- Look, it's like a little baby.

[Julian and Bubbles laughing]

- [Ricky] Could've used a clean towel.

- It's like a little baby sub. [giggles]

♪ Rock-a-bye cold cuts

[giggles] Here, Rick, take your-

I'm not done. [foil rustling]

- That towel wasn't even fucking clean.

- You know what a pneumonic is?

I bet you can't fucking spell mu-nonic!

Hey, 'cause the Oxford Dictionary

spells it with a P-N-E-O, who...

E-U-P-U [chuckles]

That's fucking Randy's favorite expression now. Pew!

Maybe that's 'cause I made him go into the septic tank.

I [snickers] wrapped him up in fucking garbage bags,

he had boots on, fucking taped with magic tape.

Anyway, his snorkel... [laughing]

[sighs] Oh, fuck it.

He's wonderful, you know.

He's just so wonderful.

You know the amazing thing about Randy?

Excuse me just for a second.

Yeah, Ran.

No, no. Guess.

Go on and guess, bud.

Come on, Randy.

I'll give you a double cheeseburger tomorrow for lunch.

No.

No.

At the fucking studio.

Yeah, I'm taping all by myself.

It's a piece of cake.

Randy, we can come in here and we can do our own shit.

We can.

Oh, we'd make a lot of money on those blue channels.

I think they're called blue channels.

Yeah. Randy, maybe we'll just wear masks.

We got those old masks from season two, I think it was.

Remember, Julian comes in

and I say, "I'm not Mr. Lahey." [chuckles]

Yeah. No, I'm serious.

I'm here. I got the camera.

Randy, you're on camera. Say, "Hi."

Okay. I will.

Don't worry about me, Randy.

You do? [chuckles]

Well, keep it for me when I get home. Okay, bye.

You know what?

Nothing more important than love in life.

Sometimes we don't even know we love.

Sometimes we spend our lives with people

and they irritate us

and we think how we could do the thing better. [mutters]

But I'll tell you one thing,

nothing more important than love

and the bigger you can find your family,

the more love there is,

and that's why the world should be one big family.

It should be.

A Christian should look around and say,

"Oh, that person has nothing?

I should give them something of mine

instead of fearing them."

What they wanna, what?

Anyway, I don't wanna get into that,

I just want to tell you this is important business

and I'm gonna have another drink.

I don't think I drink to you yet.

- Well, this is my cell, as you can see.

Usually when I leave jail,

I just store all my stuff in jail,

'cause I'm usually coming back anyway

and over the years I've built up

quite a bit of cool stuff.

Good fucking TV, VCR, got satellite, it doesn't work.

Fucking nice stereo.

I don't know if you've ever seen

one of these little things before,

but if you wanna listen to a tape

without putting though speakers, you just put it in here,

it's got these little headphone things, pretty cool.

Lot of people have CDs and shit now

but don't have fucking Dolby with CDs

so I like the tapes.

No point buying all the CDs over again.

This is a little thing I made in the wood shop.

Use it for a roach clip.

Or it's good for, if you wanna make a note,

just put it on that

and then all of a sudden there's a note

and you're like, "Oh yeah, there's a note

I need to remember something with."

Got a little bit of food I stole from the cafeteria.

Nice bed, brand new fucking mattress right there.

This is cool, a dinosaur poster I got.

I like to look at that, you know, before I go to sleep

or first thing when I wake up.

It's kind of cool.

I mean, some people actually fucking believe,

including Bubbles,

that these things actually used to roam around the Earth.

I guess we'll never really know for sure,

but I think they're pretty cool, I like to make...

Actually I made one over here, out of clay.

That's kind of cool.

Took me about four days.

And what else do we got here?

The remote control from a car I won in a card game.

The car fucking got smashed,

but I kept that just in case, you know,

you never know, you might need that for something.

I found this, actually.

I wish I could say I made this,

but I thought that was one of the

coolest fucking things I've ever seen

made in the wood shop.

Someday I'm hoping I'll be good enough

that I can make one of those.

Depends how much more time I spend in here, I guess.

Got the ear cleaners

and all this stuff here for keeping clean,

keeping your teeth good.

Shaving stuff.

Just a little, I don't know if it's a painting

or a picture, it's hard to tell.

That's pretty much it.

You guys wanna hang out and smoke this?

[lighter clicks]

No?

[tools rattling]

[Mr. Lahey muttering]

[door buzzes]

- Hi, Bubs.

What ya doing?

Fucking, what is this?

Cardboard circuit cock suckers.

Must be fucking charming, these.

[objects clattering] Bubbles,

I need you to do a little favor for me, bud.

There's a rumor going around in the jail,

that there's a certain someone

who's fucking ganging for me

and it's [indistinct] at the time

get fucking ship-shape, Bubs.

Now I need something to defend myself.

I'm not asking you to do anything fucking illegal here.

Hi, Harry.

And, uh, I just have a,

I just want you to pound that out flat for me, Bubbles.

Just make that, like, flat

so I can use it to defend myself 'cause he fucking won't-

- That's the fucking spaghetti spoon from the cafeteria.

I was looking for that fucking thing last night.

It took me 20 minutes to spoon out the sauce with a fork.

- Well, Bubbles, [stammers]

Ray gave me that after he died, Bubbles.

Just fucking listen.

I just want you [claps], just flatten it out.

- I'm not flattening fucking anything out for you.

If I was gonna flatten something out,

it would be fucking you.

That's what I'd like to flatten out.

You know, Ricky and Lahey both,

"Here, build me a shank, build me a shank."

I mean, I've got special privileges in here.

I've got special privilege.

I'm allowed to sign out the sharp tools.

Not a lot of people can say that.

But what do you think is gonna happen

if all of a sudden, you know, there's murders going on?

Traced back to me.

My privilege is fucking gone.

- Listen, Bubbles, let's [slurring].

I can just borrow this- - Put that the fuck down!

- Jesus Christ, Bubbles. - I sign that out

of the lockup and I'm responsible for those.

- Bubbles, I can make this fucking worth your while.

Check this out, bud.

- Where'd you get that? You're drunk.

- I'm not drunk, I just had a little drink.

Now, Bubbles, gotta pass the time one way or t'other.

- Where did you get that?

- Randy smuggled them in one day for me.

- What? How did he get them in?

- It's probably what you think, Bubbles.

But listen, you give that to Julian,

he'll probably fucking kiss you on the mouth.

- Oh, yeah. Wouldn't that be delightful?

- Bubbles, I just want you to know one thing.

I will be ever so grateful

and I will make things easy as shit for you

when you get back to Sunnyvale.

- Well, too bad.

I'll go back to Sunnyvale

and I'll mind my own fucking business.

- Well, I don't think you're gonna be able

to mind your own fucking business long, Bubbles,

'cause I heard her from Randy today.

There's a fucking infestation, Bubbles.

- Oh yeah, infestation of what?

- Shit walkers.

- Oh.

- Shit walkers, Bubbles.

- What's a shit walker?

- White-headed fucking shit walkers, Bubbles.

They fucking come out the sewer

and they rise up with the putrid smell

and then they fucking locate somebody like you, Bubbles.

Especially someone who fucking can't see very well

'cause they're a fucking four-eyes.

And then they grab you and they shit on you

and you fucking melt

into a great stinking pile of fucking shit

and that's what's gonna fuck with you, Bubbles,

unless you fucking give me,

I just want this fucking screwdriver, that's all I want.

- You just get out of here, please.

Larry! Larry, is he supposed to be in here?

- [Larry] What the hell's going on in there?

- I'm just in here fixing my toasters

and fucking look at this. - Hey, Harry.

- [Larry] What's that on your head, Jim?

- I was helping Bubbles fix his fucking...

It's all cool, Larry.

- [Larry] That better not be liquor, Jim.

- This, hey, it isn't liquor.

I'll tell you what it is.

I brought a little peace offering for Bubbles here.

For fuck's sake, Bubbles.

[indistinct], I tell you what.

I'm gonna share these with you, Bubbles.

Those are called... - Larry!

I hope you're witnessing this.

- Shit and vinegar, Bubbles.

- If I smell like liquor later, it's not my fault.

How can you let him fucking

stagger around this prison drunk?

- All right, let's get on to fucking water bongs.

Water bongs are fucking awesome,

they make smoking so much smoother,

so much better for everybody.

A lot healthier.

Takes out all the cancer-causing shit

and actually makes the smoke healthy for you.

And as you can see, you make bongs

fucking pretty much out of anything too,

but they gotta hold water.

Here's the basic concept

that I was showing you up here on the board.

Just a bottle.

These fucking little sockets work great

'cause it's better than tinfoil, actually.

Put your stuff in there after you put some water in it.

Just spark it. [puffs] Awesome.

So I've already made a couple here.

Here's a nice one out of a water bottle.

It's a pretty nice looking pipe. Good size.

[water gurgling]

You wanna hear that sound.

If you don't hear that sound,

you fucked something up 'cause you're dumb.

This is one of my favorite ones here.

This is fucking awesome.

Made it out of a Thermos.

[water gurgling]

Nice little gurgling sound.

So, we're gonna actually put some fucking,

little bit of weed and a little bit of hash in here.

We're gonna try this fucking thing out.

[lighter clicks] [water gurgles]

Very fucking nice. Very fucking smooth.

Nice little flower pot one here.

Pretty fucking awesome.

So, I guess we can just make one from scratch,

just to show all you fucking dummies.

Use a little, uh, pen there.

Take all the shit out of the middle.

Keep this little part here for your little sockety set.

This little fucking cocksucker

fits right on there like that.

Put some water in it.

[water sloshing]

Alright, put your little top on

and you wanna put a little hole in the top.

[metal dings] Fuck!

Kind of fucked the hole up, but we'll just tape that.

Duct tape's fucking good for everything.

[duct tape tearing]

[water gurgles]

What'd that take? About fucking 10 seconds?

Perfect, ready for smoking.

This is my frog cock pipe.

It's kind of funny to pull out to parities,

especially if Corey's around.

Take the little, take this part out

and tell him he's gotta suck right on it.

Just flip that over there

and put your weed or hash right in there.

I'm not Corey, so I use this.

Boom! Fucking awesome.

Make a nice water bong out of these little super soakers.

Same thing. Gotta put your little pull up here.

Pretty fucking bad ass and cheap.

It's fun to take to the pool.

- Somebody broke into somebody's house

and cleaned their house for them and took off.

- I saw that.

- Didn't take anything.

- Guy came in and he was like,

"Uh-oh, somebody broke into my house,

but then he found his bed was made

and somebody left, like, roses on the bed for him.

- Take something. Because that's creepy, right?

- He just broke in and cleaned up for him.

- Which I...

I mean, maybe he just cleaned it up, or she, whatever,

but it's creepy, man.

- Maybe he or she lived like a pig

and the guy couldn't deal with it anymore.

- But imagine if he had've stumbled upon them

when they were doing it and then shot them.

That wouldn't have been great.

- Could've been a marketing employee

for a fucking maid company.

- No, man.

It's just some people are fucked in the head

and that's what happened here.

- Molly Maid's gonna start breaking into people's houses

and doing it for free.

[Ricky and Bubbles chuckling]

Remember that time you hired that maid?

- What maid?

- The one, you thought she was gonna be right sexy

and turned out they sent somebody else.

- Yeah, that was funny.

They had that picture with her in the short little get-up.

- Yeah, a hundred bucks.

- And it wasn't really her, was it?

- But I got the fucking place clean, didn't I?

- Yes, you did, but I know what you were thinking

when you ordered it.

- I wasn't thinking about anything.

- You were thinking about more than cleaning.

- Yeah, you were even saying,

"Look what their slogan says, we clean and more."

- Well, I thought maybe [chuckles]

something else would happen, alright?

- I know, but then you didn't-

- Most people would.

- You didn't really try once that lady showed up.

- Right on. Bubs, did you-

- Was it officially confirmed

that she was, in fact, a lady?

- She was a lady.

Face mites, we got face mites.

- [Bubbles] Fuck.

- What the fuck?

Who the fuck's got their lawn shit going?

- That's the first...

Bubs. - What?

- Fuck off with the weed whacker!

- That's the first lawnmower

of the fucking season right there.

- Is it a lawnmower or a fucking leaf blower?

Some fucking idiot trying to make

his god damned trailer park lawn

look all nice and fucking fancy.

- [Julian] Bubs, what are you doing, man?

[Bubbles giggles]

The fuck you doing, man?

- You're still high from last night, I think.

[Bubbles giggles]

- You're definitely high are from last.

- Those fucking little ginger snap edible cookies,

holy fuck, those were good.

[Bubbles giggles]

- [Julian] Here, man, I'll take a picture of you

and your baby, okay? - Yep.

Sub baby.

- Me and Bubs made a baby. - Yeah.

I'll get a close up of him.

Oh that's fucked.

- All right. Holy fuck, Ronnie's got his fucking big-

- You know what?

I bet you won't be able to eat that now.

- Why? - Guaranteed, man.

- You're getting attached to it.

- No. - You're gonna be

all fucked up tonight, wasted.

- Take a bite out of his head, then.

- And if you start, man,

if I'm hungry tonight, I'm eating some of that.

You're not gonna be like,

"Julian, I'm too close to him."

- Can't eat him now, boys.

- Although, if we wait, it'll get bigger.

- No it, it's not gonna fucking grow, man.

- He can watch the game with us.

We're not eating him.

- Boys, boys, boys. [chuckles]

- Not eating him, he watching the game.

- You are not fucking taking care of a fucking sub baby.

We're gonna eat him.

[Bubbles imitates baby belching]

- Oh, there he burped. [giggles]

- It's like the movie, "Cloudy with a chance of Spaghetti."

But everything's alive.

- What the fuck.

No, man, that wasn't it.

- Holy fuck, boys, I'm right out of 'er.

Right out of 'er. - Alright, I'm done.

I'm done, I'm gonna fucking,

I'm gonna get my section ready over there

and I'm calling dibs first.

- Think he might've,

I think he might've spit up on your arm there, Julian.

- Bubs, fuck off.

- [Ricky] I've got the fucking armchair.

- I've got the sofa, the whole night.

- I need the armchair to rock the baby.

- I've got the fucking sofa.

Calling it. - I need to rock the baby.

- Well then I'm taking that fucking armchair right there

for the entire fucking weekend.

- You gotta get this fucking blaster out of here, man.

It's taking up too much room.

- Just press the, make-it-small button.

♪ Rock-a-bye baby

- Yeah, there's a button right on top

that says, "Make small"

and it turns like a Transformer.

♪ When the wind blows - Go fuck yourself, bud.

♪ Cold cuts will rot - It all collapses right in.

[gentle music] [seagulls squawking]

- [Fish] Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

[dramatic music]

- [Announcer] Fuck off.