Original subtitles

- [Narrator] Warning.

The following program contains really coarse language,

weed, alcohol consumption, smoking,

and sexual (talks gibberish).

This content may not be suitable for viewers under 18.

To activate parental controls,

please press the big go (beeps) yourself button

on your remote control.

(gentle piano music plays)

- Super power, what are you doing man?

- Just looking at the fucking lines.

The aerodynamic lines of the 787 Dreamliner.

- How accurate do you think that is, man?

- Oh, I think it's fairly accurate to scale.

- Except for the fucking landing gear's fucked.

- No look, that's proper.

- I don't know, the wings seem awfully skinny right there.

I would want a fatter wing.

- Bubs, it's fucking toy.

(Ricky exclaims)

- Jesus Christ, kidding me?

That's Mo's fucking plane.

He just fucking destroyed it.

- I didn't mean to fucking destroy it.

- All right.

- You can't have anything nice.

- Jesus.

- Here man, it can go back together.

- He's gonna be home in about 40 minutes.

- Oh fuck.

- Put this together.

- You blew the wings right off of it.

(both laugh)

Yeah that's funny.

That's hilarious.

Oh no, she just clinks back, just clinks back together.

- Don't worry about her.

- Why did it take me so long to put this together

if you guys did it that quick?

- Ricky, how long did it take you?

- Two hours.

(Bubbles laughs)

But I think I had to make this.

(Ricky coughs)

- Ricky, it's just, look,

I'm not even looking at the directions.

It's just, there's slots and things.

- (coughs) Maybe that's the problem.

You shouldn't look at the directions.

- Well, why would you need to look at directions?

There, I fixed it.

Okay.

- That's fucked how easy that seemed to be.

- That took you two hours?

- Well, I think I had to maybe build this part.

- What were...

Did you use tool tools and stuff to build it?

Like screwdrivers and shit?

- Don't remember.

It was a blackout put together.

- Well, it looks good now.

- Yeah.

Oh, except for that little missing part.

- Yeah, you wouldn't want that to happen in midair.

(Bubbles chuckles)

- I seen one of those on Mayday where something ripped off.

This whole back section came off in the middle of the air,

and they didn't fair out too well.

- No, if this comes,

you can't fly without this vertical stabilizer.

You're fucked.

- How come a bird doesn't need one?

- Because he doesn't, he's not fucking jet, Ricky.

- All right, so Bubs, the fuel.

The fuel's in the wings, right?

- Correct.

And there's a central fuel tank.

But most fuel's carried in the wings.

- What kind of bird would have to fucking get sucked

into this jet to take the thing down?

- Not much of one, a chickadee.

- No.

Well, not this one, Ricky.

- The Canada geese?

- A chickadee would do fuck all.

- Canada goose would just get mulched to fuck in that thing.

- What about an emu?

- An emu.

- That's a big fucking bird, man.

- That could be a problem.

(Ricky laughs)

His body's about that big around.

You might...

You might,

but I mean the engines on this cock sucker,

they're 10 feet in diameter.

- Did ya hear in China that they were fucking,

before people were getting on the plane,

they throw coins into the jet,

'cause they thought it was good luck?

- Oh, brilliant maneuver!

- That's not a smart thing to do.

- They were doin' it, man.

- Oh my God.

If I was getting on a jet

and I saw a little fucking person throw a goddamn coin

into a fucking jet engine?

- That's what happens.

Some guy did it, these, these guys fucking tackled him.

Took him down to the ground,

gave him the elbows and knocked him out.

- Oh it's good luck.

Here, let me just throw a fucking,

let me just throw a fucking piece of iron in there.

An iron bar for good luck.

(plane wheels whir)

Okay Ricky, it's just the...

so you can play with it.

- Is there a...

Oh, is this is battery go into there?

- No.

No, it's a wind up toy.

- Here, lemme just...

I'm gonna get a wing in the fucking teeth here, boys.

- Fucking thing.

- Oh, Jesus Christ.

- It can go back together.

He can figure it out.

Don't smirk.

- Okay.

(Julian sighs)

- All right, let's start this maybe.

- So what do you got cooking over there, man?

- I got some hot dogs.

- [Bubbles] Oh, when did you put them on?

- These started cooking last night and then I passed out.

Help yourself.

- Ricky, you can't just set hot pan right on your table.

Burn your fucking table.

- Now I did make these for breakfast,

but I think they might've got overcookered a little bit.

- [Julian] They got overcookered?

- [Ricky] Yeah.

- [Julian] What is it?

- [Bubbles] Those are nice.

- It's that company that makes the cheese pasta.

- (speaking simultaneously) Kraft Dinner.

- Yeah.

- Those are nice dogs.

Got any mustard, Ricky?

Little dip, - Ya know what?

- Little mustard dip would be nice.

- My brain doesn't remember what's in my fridge

from one day to the next, so just a minute.

- So this is kinda lame.

You just made wieners and fucking...

- Not only do I have mustard, ya know what boys,

I can't make fucking gourmet meals every goddamn week.

It takes planning.

- [Julian] You know what?

That's where you're wrong.

You can.

- Well maybe you can make gourmet meals.

- We're gonna make something gourmet right now, Ricky.

Fuck this, Bubbs.

Don't, just chop these things up.

- Just wait now I'm eating mine.

- Well, I'm not gonna touch yours.

Here, just chop these things up.

You got a fucking knife or something?

- [Ricky] I doubt it.

- [Bubbles] He can't use a drumstick.

- [Julian] It's working, isn't it?

- All right, we're gonna chop the fucking wieners.

- Ricky, he's using your nice drumstick

to chop up the wieners.

- Here, I got this.

- Jesus, man.

- Don't cut your hand off with it.

Does it get, you got any more fucking pull on this thing?

- Fuck!

No, my god.

- [Bubbles] Boys, be careful.

That's a fucking electric knife.

(knife grinds)

(Ricky sings goofily)

- Don't be fucking doing that, Ricky.

You're gonna end up

cutting somebody's fucking finger off here, man.

(knife grinds)

- You know, we've been getting a lot of mail

about your beautiful kitchen show, Andy.

- Oh, the kitchen show, I know!

It's 'cause it's awesome, Mr. Lahey.

And I've got some good stuff prepared for today.

- [Jim] What do you gotta do today?

- All right, we're gonna do it here right now.

Right now on Randy and Mr. Lahey's show.

This is Randy's kitchen portion.

We've got the gut apron getting put on,

'cause you never know

when you're gonna get shit on your gut, Mr. Lahey.

- [Jim] It's nice.

- This is what you do, okay?

- Okay, here we go. - All right, so.

The first thing we're gonna do is really easy.

Come on over.

You're gonna love this, Mr. Lahey.

Now, how many times have you guys been in a rush?

(Mr. Lahey thuds on couch)

Mr. Lahey, Easy!

- What?

It's okay, Randy. - Easy, easy.

- How many times has you been in a rush for breakfast?

Well this is the easiest breakfast in the world.

You grab some good sugared cereal.

You just pour it in a cup like that.

Okay?

Here, that's yours, Mr. Lahey.

- Oh yeah.

- Don't eat the bread, that's for something else!

Here, and then you dip this in.

Like this, you pour that cereal in,

and this is the, your favorite breakfast. Mr. Lahey.

You take some Irish Cream Liqueur,

and you dump that in,

and you dump some of that in there.

- Little bit more, Randy.

- Just a little.

That's it, that's it.

And then you get a spoon, Mr. Lahey.

Here you go.

- Spoon. (sings quietly)

- Spoon of it.

And there you've got your cereal

with your dairy right there.

(Jim laughs)

Good, that that's for the fast, if you're in a rush.

- (continues singing) In a delightful way.

- It's crunchy.

It's good.

- I love it, what kind of cereal is that, Randy?

- This is, it's, I don't know.

(speaking gibberish) or something.

Crooshy captain.

- Okay, now!

The next thing we're gonna make is something very special.

This, we're gonna make some French toast,

but it's very special French toast, Mr. Lahey.

It is French toast made with Irish Cream instead of milk,

okay?

You just crack your eggs in there.

- Can I try one?

- Yeah, here you take that.

(bowl clatters)

- Okay Mr. Lahey, good one.

That's good, chuck it in the garbage right on the end.

No, not in the toaster Mr. Lahey!

(Mr. Lahey laughs)

You just crack the eggs open like that,

you get a bunch of eggs in,

and then you take your Irish Cream,

and you pour a little bit of that in there like that,

and get your fork,

and you get it, and you give it a whisk.

Okay?

Whisk her around, make sure the yolks are all broken up.

See, Mr. Lahey?

this is how I do it for you.

All right?

Wick it all around, whisk, whisk, whisk!

And then it's done,

you get your temperature set around 250,

300 on your griddle.

You take some butter, you just take that,

you just chuck it on.

See?

And just makes it nice.

Okay gotta turn it up a bit more.

Then you...

Mr. Lahey, you're not supposed to eat the bread.

You put that inside, you just dip the, dunk the bread in,

and then you put it onto the grill.

- Is that just straight egg?

- [Randy] That's the...

- [Jim] Straight egg?

- [Randy] The egg and the, the Irish cream, Mr. Lahey!

- Oh, you put the Irish Cream in there too!

- This is a liquor breakfast, just the way you like it.

You just chuck it all in there like that,

soak it all around,

and then you cook it for probably about two minutes

on each side.

You wanna make sure it's nice and brown, right?

Now, Mr. Lahey, so we don't have any lulls,

man, that's really greasy stuff.

Okay, so no lulls.

I've already got it all prepared.

Mr. Lahey, for call off!

(Mr. Lahey laughs)

Okay, here.

This is your plate.

- Okay.

- There you go.

And here is-

- Oh, you made some!

- The finished product right there.

No, no, wait, hey, you gotta put some of this.

- Oh! (laughs)

(singing) Oh, Randy my manny.

- Little bit of that, couple, I'm just gonna have one,

I think this way.

And that's all you do!

You use the Irish cream on there as syrup,

and you just fold it, and then you...

- Best breakfast ever, Randy.

(Randy groans)

(both chew)

- Randy's kitchen.

The best meals, anyone,

this whole thing probably only cost maybe $5,

it's just because of this stuff's expensive.

- When are you gonna make liquor ball sandwiches, Randy?

- Someday.

- I hope so.

- I'm covering breakfast today, Mr. Lahey.

- Do you know what the segment we have next, Randy?

A brand new segment?

- What?

- No... (sighs)

Frig sakes, Mr. Lahey.

(horn blows unsuccessfully)

- It's called the new toy segment.

Every week, we're gonna teach you how to make a new toy.

Now my favorite toy is this model airplane

that you make out of paper.

And I'll just show you how to do it.

You just fold the paper over like this,

and then you fold the paper over like this,

and then you do, you do this, throw that like that,

something like that.

And then you do something like this,

and then you do something like that,

and then you do...

This is a specific, you gotta do that like this.

And then you have your own fucking F30, CF35,

$50 million piece of shit is what you got, Randy.

- [Randy] What are you making, Mr. Lahey?

- Watch this, Randy.

This is fucking incredible!

Perfection!

- So I got another call to come down to the jail to,

to deal with one of Ricky's medical conditions.

I'm not gonna get as worked up this time,

because last time, you know, we,

he told me to get down here.

He couldn't talk to me on the phone,

and I thought he had, you know, the big C,

and all it was was he thought he was shrinking to death.

- So what the fuck's up, man?

- I don't wanna talk about it until Bubs gets here, man.

I wanna talk about it in person.

- What are you doing playing with hair?

Well, that's part of what's going on.

It's a long fucking story.

- Whose hair's that?

- Apparently it's mine.

- What?

- Apparently you start growing hair in different places

when you get older.

Did you know that?

- [Julian] Yeah, everybody starts growing hair, man, but...

Was that on your back?

Fuck.

- [Julian] Hey Bubs!

- [Bubbles] Hey.

Hey, boys.

Hey Ricky. - Hey, Bubs.

Listen I'm trying not to get worked up like I did last time,

so is it nothing life threatening, please?

- Well, we don't know that.

That's why I fucking wanted you to come here.

I couldn't talk about it over the phone because they,

they record the calls and it's kind of embarrassing.

If people found out they'd probably fucking tease me.

- [Bubbles] Okay, so just, Ricky,

I'm trying to fucking stay calm here.

Are you dying or what's happening?

- I don't know, I fucking hope not though.

- Well, what?

Tell me, just hit me with it.

- (sighs) Remember how...

Have you ever told when you get older,

you start growing hair in weird places?

- Everybody does, your back, everywhere, man.

- Yeah.

- Is that what this is?

You got hair growing in weird places?

- Yes.

- Oh, thank Jesus.

Thank you, Jesus, merciful Jesus.

- Boy, that's a good thing?

- Well you're wondering if you got like fucking leukemia,

or your fucking liver's gonna fall out, yeah?

- Fucking hope-

- So you got some hair grown in your ears or something?

- Yeah, I got hair in my ears.

- Well, who gives a fuck?

- And my nose.

- Don't care, Ricky.

That's a fucking, that just means you're working, bud.

- Okay, well... (sighs)

- What?

- Just see this hair here?

- [Bubbles] It what, yeah?

- Guess where that was growing.

- I don't know, on your back?

- Terry's head?

That called a Terry's hair, isn't it?

- Inside my ass.

- [Julian] What?

- I wiped my ass,

and then something was pulling and tugging,

and I'm like, okay, what the fuck is that?

And I kept yanking on it and it hurt quite a bit,

and it came from deep in like...

- [Bubbles] Ricky?

- I dunno if it's growing in my, my guts,

or what the fuck is going on, but that-

- That hair was growing inside your arse?

- Yeah.

What does that mean?

Am I got my gonna die?

- Ricky, you mighta just swallowed on a Terry's hair,

and it was like trapped in there, and it,

when you pulled it, it might have been,

I can't believe I gotta explain this to you.

It might have been wrapped around something.

- No, it felt like it was fucking attached.

Like it hurt.

- [Bubbles] Like how deep are you talking?

- Well look at the length of it!

And it was only about an inch sticking out.

That's a good fucking 12 incher at least.

- [Julian] How many feet is your intestine, Bubs?

- It's feet, like six feet for your large,

and more than that for your small.

- Now don't be smelling it man, fuck!

- Ricky, why would you, so you saved it.

So I drove, let's just be clear here.

I drove down here trying to stay calm,

thinking you mighta had a terminal illness again,

and you've got a 12 inch hair growing from inside your arse.

- So this is not turtle-able.

I'm not gonna die from this?

- No, man. - I wouldn't think so,

Ricky, you're not.

- Okay, well that was only problem number one.

Problem number two is a little more fucked.

- What is problem number two?

- Riddle me this.

Is this is this fucking normal?

- Ricky, you're not... - What are you doing?

- Oh my... - Ricky...

= Ricky, I can't see what you're doing and I don't-

- See this?

- Oh yeah, he's got it out.

- Now, see that right there.

Down in the piss hole.

Do you see that sticking out?

- Rick...

- What the fuck is that?

That's a hair, isn't it?

What's, what's he doing, Bubs?

- He's...

Ricky's...

Oh my Jesus.

- Oh fuck this hurts.

I'm gonna pull it.

So is it,

is it safe to pull this fucking thing out or what?

That's what I wanna know.

'Cause it fucking hurts.

- What the fuck is he doing?

- He's got a hair hanging out of his piss hole!

- [Julian] What?!

(indistinct)

- Ricky, just yank it.

Unbelievable.

(Ricky grunts)

- Ricky, oh my...

- Holy fuck, that hurt.

- Jesus H. Christ!

- That came outta your piss hole!

- What the fuck is going on with me, Bubs?

- Hey that's, that's not normal.

- Ricky, did you go to the fucking doctor in here?!

- No, I was fucking embarrassed.

I don't want them checking up my cock or my ass.

- Okay I don't even know what's going on.

I'm gonna have to go...

I'm gonna have to go fucking Google this.

You've got 10 to 12 inch hair grown out of your orifices

from deep inside. - Is there any more?

Is there any more?

- Ricky, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- I don't want- - Julian!

- I'm not, Bubs, it's good-

(Julian groans)

It's good to see you Bubs, I'm-

- Just take a look!

- I'm not taking a look.

- I just wanna know is there more hanging out.

Just have a quick look,

see if there's any more hanging outta there!

Look right here, I'll spread my cheeks.

You see?

- Yeah, there's a couple more hanging outta there.

- There's more hanging out, he said.

- Okay Ricky, I don't know what to tell you.

It seems awfully weird that you got hair growing

from deep inside ya.

- I hope it is just Terry's hair, man.

I don't want to die from fucking,

just turned into a hairy person.

- You're not gonna fucking die.

Okay?

It's just a hair problem.

- I don't know, well, look at this too.

- Look at what?

I'm not looking at your fucking head of your cock.

- No, the shaft!

Look at that! - Okay,

it's coming up the shaft.

I mean it's normal to have hair down here, but it is like...

- [Julian] Looks like a vine.

- Ricky...

- It's a good solid two inches up my shaft too

on the bottom right now.

- I think two inches up the shaft is normal for some people.

- That's, I, that's...

- It's unlucky.

- It's probably normal.

The, the 10 inchers coming from inside...

Something's not right.

I'll give you that.

- It doesn't look like pubes though.

It looks like, you know what I mean?

- No, it looks like hair that you would go get cut

at the salon.

- That's what I mean.

- Oh my God, I gotta get outta here boys.

I'm gonna go ask-

- Let me know what the fuck is happening with me.

- I'm gonna ask some doctors.

- Okay buddy.

Thanks, love you.

- Just don't tell anybody or be showing it to people.

- Don't, get rid of the fucking hair!

- Well here, take it!

- I don't want that shit!

Fuck off, Ricky!

Love you Bubs.

- All right, love you Bubs.

- Okay Ricky.

Keep an eye on it.

- Oh shit, I forgot to put that away. (laughs)

All right, we'll see you soon, buddy.

Love you.

(hockey stick clatters)

- All right.

Now for the birdie housey,

normally you'd use a fucking compressor, little air nailer,

but somebody threw my compressor in the fire,

and it fucking blew up.

Apparently they said it was me.

I don't remember,

so I think it was probably Corey or maybe Jacob,

but take some wood.

You want a fucking piece of wood about this big.

That's gonna be your little bottom of the birdie housey.

Then you take a piece of wood like this.

Don't even need a measurement tape.

I mean, you could use one.

I can't find mine, so...

So you wanna cut a piece of wood.

(saw screeches)

Fuck!

This piece of wood's a little too wide,

so you gotta cut it twice, which sucks my ass.

Try to line that fucking cut up.

(saw screeches)

There you go.

Now you wanna make another piece the same fucking size.

So without a measuring tape,

you have to line it up like this.

(saw screeches)

The saw starts fucking you around,

just make sure you tell it who's boss, which is me.

Fuck face.

(saw screeches)

All right, so once you have these two things,

these are gonna be your fucking sides.

You wanna put a little angle on 'em.

We're gonna have a little fucking slope roof birdhouse.

So take both your pieces together.

(saw screeches)

Fuck!

This is a tricky-

(saw screeches)

There you go.

So there's your two sides.

You want one piece this fucking long for your front.

Fuck off!

(saw screeches)

There's your fucking front!

You better fuck off too.

One for your back, so you wanna line the back up,

(saw screeches)

and then one for your little fucking roof,

that can be any length, so...

(saw screeches)

Throw that away.

(wood clatters)

And then what I like to do is take, you know,

like a little blow torchy thing.

(mutters) Fuck!

What happened to my other one?

That was fucking easy.

This one's fucked!

You know,

I just make a little bit of fucking burny action on there.

Kind of gives it a bit of character.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Don't like this fucking torch.

Don't know what was wrong with my other one,

but anyway...

Yeah, see how nice that looks?

The bird's gonna love this, go holy fuck!

That's a nice house right there.

- [Ricky] I don't know about this one, boys.

- [Bubbles] Ricky.

- [Ricky] I think we took it too far.

- [Bubbles] Well, you gotta heat it up, don't ya?

- [Ricky] It is heated up!

- [Bubbles] It is?

Why isn't the cheese melting?

- [Ricky] Oh, it's all melted to fuck, man.

- Lemme see.

Oh, that looks decent!

- It doesn't smell great.

Not gonna lie.

- I'll taste it!

- Just put it in the microwave for a little bit, I guess.

- Not in the pot, Ricky!

- Not in the pot.

- Ricky!

You don't put pots in the microwave, do you?

Metal pots?

- I don't know don't you?

- Just...

- Dig in.

- Do you got a fork?

- I don't know if a forks gonna-

- Jesus, that's about as cheesy as you can fucking get her.

- Oh yeah, that'll be all right.

- Doesn't get much cheesier than that, boys.

- All right, are we gonna start this thing? (laughs)

- No, I just wanna try this.

- Show me.

- [Bubbles] Just wait, let me get a...

- [Ricky] I'm gonna show it to the...

It doesn't look...

- [Julian] Pretty nice.

Kinda looks like beans and wieners, man.

- [Ricky] With a little hint of chocolate.

- [Julian] Yeah.

- No, you know what?

The hint of chocolate, I'm not...

I'm gonna tell you, it's not great.

- I didn't think it would be.

- Okay,

you don't make Kraft Dinner with chocolate milk, then.

- Then the hint of chocolate is not singing to me.

It's not bad.

It might-

- It's not bad, but...

- It might grow on you.

- I don't think it's going to.

- But it is distinctly chocolate flavored.

- Yeah.

And it was maybe, yeah, it's too much chocolate.

Fuck's sakes.

Now I gotta not eat breakfast.

- Oh, you know what, Ricky?

It's kind of growing on me.

It's kinda like a, it's kinda like a dessert.

- It's fucking, you know what?

It is growing on me a little bit, but it's weird.

- It is weird.

It's like it, it almost tastes like maple syrup.

- Oh fuck, let's put some of that in.

- Want some (indistinct).

- No, I think maple syrup will make it really fucked.

- Apparently I've came up with some,

some fun facts about the sun last night.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Just mix that up good, Bubs.

That'll get rid of the chocolate.

- It's whiskey.

- Just mix her up.

Yeah.

That's what a chef would do.

- [Ricky] Did he fuck it?

- Oh yeah, he fucked her.

(Ricky laughs)

- It's fucked?

- Well, it tastes like, yeah, it tastes like whiskey now.

- Just gotta mix it up though.

- It's got a strong whiskey flavor.

(calming music continues)

(motor purrs)

(birds squawk)

(all exclaim)

(voice whispers)