Original subtitles

- Warning,

the following program contains really coarse language,

weed, alcohol consumption, smoking, and sexual references.

This content may not be suitable for viewers under 18.

To activate parental controls,

please press the 'go fuck yourself' button

on your remote control.

(calm music)

So, what you got going on over there, Ricky?

You're cutting up some wieners, right?

- [Ricky] Yeah, I'm doing five at a time.

- It's pretty good, man.

- This is really something.

- So what do you guys wanna talk about

while we're making this fucking dog cakes?

- Did you wash your fucking mitts

before you cut into those?

- Everything's washed, disinfected.

- You were just scratching down at your jewels

a little while ago.

- Nope, my jewels are perfect. - Like down the track pants.

- Haven't touched my jewels since last night.

- You've been itching your nuts a lot, Ricky.

What's going on?

Why're your nuts so itchy?

- Just 'cause it's spring.

- Is that when the bugs come out?

You wake up-

- Your clothes are fucked up.

You're still wearing clothes

that are a little too warm for spring,

so you get a little action going on down there

and then you gotta jerk shit around.

- When do crabs start coming out?

- Right about now.

- What do they do?

Like where do crabs go? - Crabs come out with ticks.

- They what?

- They come out the same time as the ticks.

- The crabs come out- - What in the fuck

are you guys talking about, boys?

- There in the same family, I think.

- Like, fucking, when people get crabs...

When you do some banging, you get crabs.

- Folks don't come out with the ticks.

- Some does. - Where do they come from?

Man I'm getting itchy thinking about that.

- Or maybe it's the hummingbirds.

Something comes out with the ticks, I don't know.

- [Bubbles] A hummingbird couldn't have a tick, could it?

- Yes, man.

- I don't think ticks give a fuck

what they're munching on to.

- A hummingbird could have a crab-

- On his little hummingbird wiener.

- Well, no, on his body. - Fucking cock-sucker.

- I'm not sure.

I don't know what they do, but they-

- What are you doing, Ricky?

- [Ricky] Just cutting up a bit of onion.

- [Julian] This is taking it to a new level.

I've never had onions in fucking pancakes dogs.

- I should've had Slap Chop here.

I should've brought my Slap Chop.

- Ah man, I'd bang one of you guys

for a Slap Chop right now.

* Hey, It's Vince with Slap Chop *

* Got his own

(Bubbles scats)

- [Ricky] Didn't he die?

- Vince from Slap Chop?

- On a plane or something?

- I don't believe so.

- I think he was all banged up

on drugs or something for a while.

- Oh, yeah, he was on crack, wasn't he?

- What? - He was on the crack, man.

- Slap Chop guy?

- He was slapping away on the crack.

- I don't know, I kinda think it was somebody else.

- Ah, don't say that.

- I don't know man, maybe it wasn't.

- I don't like to hear...

Are you thinking about the other infomercial guy

that drives the boat with the door in it?

He died.

- Did he die on a plane?

- I don't think he was on a plane.

I think he was on one of those boats

with the door cut in it.

- Yeah, he had heart problems or something.

Slap Chop, he got into something dirty, man.

Let's look it up. - Slap Chop, dude.

(Ricky laughs)

- What's his name?

Vince.

* Hey, it's Vince with Slap Chop. *

- Vince with Slap Chop.

- That remix was one of the best remixes ever done.

- Okay.

- Slap Chop remix. - For fuck's sakes.

Why do onions make you want to get sad?

- They don't make you sad, Ricky.

They just make your eyes water.

You're still happy.

- I'm not happy right now, I'm sad.

- Onions are making him sad, not just teary eyed.

- I don't want to be here anymore.

- Ricky.

- What are you talking about man?

That's not what they do.

They make you cry.

- They make your eyes water.

- There's nothing to do with being sad.

- You're still happy, aren't you?

Or no?

- Not really.

- Are you sad because your eyes are watering?

Because that's different.

- All right.

- What's this?

- That's cheese.

- Fromage, as they call it in Spain.

- Ooh, I like a bowl of fromage.

- I got a lot of too many knives.

- You were pretty prepared.

- And I didn't see those.

I used the shittiest fucking one.

I used this fucking shitty little steak knife.

Fuck.

All right, just go about your business.

- [Julian] All right.

Vince was arrested on felony battery charges

in Miami last month

following a violent encounter with a hooker.

(Ricky laughs)

- [Ricky] That sucks.

- Yeah, he gave her a 1000 bucks.

- Poor hooker.

- [Julian] After she propositioned him for straight sex.

- [Ricky] She propositioned him?

(Ricky chuckles)

- Do you wanna do some banging?

He was like, "Fuck, yeah, here's a 1000 bucks."

- I thought maybe she stole a Slap Chop or something.

- No, man.

No.

- Okay, now we're fucking getting somewhere.

Let that do it's little dirty work.

- What do you got in there, Ricky?

Just the hot dogs?

- [Ricky] Just frying up the hot dogs-

- [Julian] Onions.

- [Ricky] And the onions.

- So, explain to me what happens.

- You guys like pickles?

- You cook hot dog bits and onions?

- Do you want pickles?

- I like pickles.

- Yeah, make 'em small, man.

Cut them up in small pieces.

- See, we need a Slap Chop.

- You don't want them too big in the fucking pancakes.

- Remind me to get a Slap Chop next time.

- Okay. (Ricky laughs)

- We'll find the Slap Chop.

What the fuck's that thing right there?

- Slap Chop.

- I could build a Slap Chop.

- What's this?

What is this? - It's scissors, man.

- I saw that and just had to have it.

- Oh my god.

- [Ricky] Isn't that awesome?

- [Julian] Serious fucking scissors right there.

- Could that ever take your fingies off.

- [Julian] Amongst other things.

- What, Ricky?

- Oh, what was her name, The Dobbit?

- Ah, your wiener, he's talking about.

- That would not be good man.

- Ricky are there more hot dogs?

- Yeah.

- Let me see one.

- Right over there in the hot dog package.

- Oh, why do you got to do this?

- Just imagine.

Look Julian, that's you.

- Okay.

(Bubbles laughs)

Oh, boy.

- Put those things away. - Get that away from me.

That's Danger Bay.

Do you remember Danger Bay?

- Yes, I remember Danger Bay. - That fucking show.

- I don't think I've ever watched an episode,

but I remember it.

- Do you remember-

- They used a float plane or something, didn't they?

- Danger Bay?

- Yeah.

- They might have had a float plane.

- I don't fucking know.

Nice work on the fucking pickles, man.

- [Ricky] I don't think we're gonna go too crazy

with the pickles man. - [Julian] No, man.

You don't want too much pickle action.

- Ah, you could have cut them up with the scissors.

- Mother fucker!

- What?

- Spilled one.

- Okay, leave it on the ground.

Don't put it back up there.

All right.

- What's that maneuver?

- Holy fuck!

- What?

- Those are pretty spicy.

- They're not spicy, are they?

- No.

- They're called Damn Spicy. (Ricky laughs)

- Fuck, man.

- Maybe we won't put these in.

- No, just wait now.

I love a spicy pickle.

- [Ricky] Wow.

- I love me a spicy pickle.

- You get the fuck cooking up, you fucking ass.

- Turn that motherfucker up higher, man.

- [Ricky] Spicy?

- Those are spicy.

(Ricky laughs) - Jesus, boys.

- And I'm happy you have all joined me today.

And I want you all at home

to immediately listen to everything that I say.

I want y'all to covet thy neighbor's wife.

I want y'all to steal from your neighbor.

I want y'all to listen to the word of me,

Ricky Brown,

and know that word is coming from

the almighty his or herself.

I want y'all to pick up a kitchen knife.

I want y'all to go threaten someone that make you mad.

I want y'all to take your money

and gamble it down the slots.

I want y'all to go to the machines

at the 7-Eleven or wherever the fuck they are,

and I want y'all to click that thing all day.

Don't even go home to your family.

Don't even give money

and go to the grocery store and feed your kids.

I want y'all to be alcoholomics.

I want y'all to fight.

I want y'all to sin.

Hi, I'm Ricky Brown.

That wasn't really me.

That was the devil.

But I bet for a minute,

you thought that Ricky Brown was behind all that.

And he was, but not theoretically.

But, I was just making an example

to show you the devil is all around.

The devil is here.

And sometimes you see the face of someone you love,

but that face has a mask.

The mask of Satan,

or we're taught the mask of the Devil.

The makeup of hell itself.

Caked on that shit.

Red and blurting.

The warts and boils of sin bleeding out

and pussing out along the cheek like mascara,

but its all covered up.

It's that easy to be tempted.

That the Devil sometimes doesn't show his true face,

but it's the words of the Devil that you must see through.

And Ricky Brown's here to expose that

because the world of sin

is like one big mother fucking ocean,

and we're all drowning in the ocean.

And once we start drowning, niggas start panicking.

They clawing each other, kicking each other,

and trying to breathe under water and shit,

and you can't breathe at all.

No, no, no.

You're bubbling up to the surface,

and as you drawling down,

and the light of God is disappearing from you,

and you sucking down,

then the Devil...

Throw me the mask again.

Where the mask, again?

And while you sucking down, down the water,

the Devil down here like this,

and he laughing at you,

and he clawing, and he say, "I got you."

No, your love must be the life jacket.

And your faith is the buoy that keep you up.

And you tread that motherfucking water

while the Devil come up to you,

and he's trying to grab your ankles,

like Jaws and shit.

You kick that motherfucker clean in the teeth.

And I want everybody to float in that water,

tread that water until you see the bright light

and the helicopters of God coming along.

The helicopters of heaven rescuing you

and dropping that ladder from Heaven.

* And with that ladder from Heaven *

* Drop that rope ladder from the Lord *

Yeah, we drop that rope ladder from the Lord,

and you climb up inch by motherfucking inch.

And you grab the rung and you climb yourself up,

and the Devil stuck in the water like this.

And he drown and you kick him

one last time for good measure.

And you watch that head go bubbling back down.

And you know...

Shit, sorry about that.

You know that you gonna be saved and you all right.

Just make sure you cling on to the ladder tight,

because if you fall back,

that helicopter ain't coming back.

The hypothermia hell is waiting for you.

But the heat of the helicopter of God is whirling up above.

Sound like this.

(taps microphone against chest)

Oh sorry I mean to...

Ah, shit, that don't work.

Let's pray.

- Murder's pretty much fucking legal in jail anyway.

- Hey, stop, what are you talking about?

Settle the fuck down.

- Just, can you grind like a toothbrush

at the end of it off or something,

I can jab him with that.

- I'm not making you a fucking shank.

- Why not?

You want to kill Lahey, too.

- Oh, yeah, I did.

But I'm not going to fucking kill him.

- He deserves to die, he needs to die.

- Yes, he does, but let him die his own way.

We're not doing it.

You kill him in here,

you're gonna be in here the rest of your life.

- [Larry] What are you talking about killing, Ricky?

What's going on? - You can't do that.

- Larry, I told you turn off the fucking camera.

No one's talking about killing anybody.

We're just fucking talking about toasters and shit,

you fucking idiot.

- [Larry] Okay, sorry, boss.

- Just settle the fuck down.

- Is that fucking camera still on?

It better fucking not be.

If you show any of that shit we were just talking about,

you're fucking dead, too.

Not that anyone else was going to be dead,

but you'll be dead.

- Would you just settle the fuck down?

- Boys, I gotta go.

Bubs, please.

Cafeteria, 6 o'clock.

He's probably gonna be there with us,

and if I can just walk over and say hi,

and just go, "Hey, buddy."

(imitates stabbing noise) - Ricky!

- Just something like that would feel fucking awesome.

- What?

You're not gonna shank Lahey.

- Well, then let me bonk him over the head.

It probably won't kill him.

- Fine, bonk him, but don't fucking shank him.

- All right, perfect. - Not with that.

- Do not give it to him with that!

- [Larry] Not a possibility, Ricky.

- I'm coming Larry, fuck!

Cafeteria, Bubs, please.

I need something.

- Yeah, okay.

- I love you guys.

Fuck off.

(door buzzes)

- What's wrong man?

- You gotta talk to him.

He's not listening to me.

- He doesn't listen to me either.

- Well, you're better at talking.

- He wants me to build him a fucking shank.

I'm not building him a shank.

- You fuck heads don't seem to get it, do you?

You're not following me around.

I'm not doing a stupid interview clip.

Maybe I want to kill Lahey, maybe I don't.

None of your fucking business, all right?

But I'm not doing an interview clip.

What are you gonna do?

Sue me?

Get me thrown in fucking jail?

I'm in jail, dumb ass.

So, I'm not fucking scared of you.

So, fucking leave me alone.

- [Camera Man] No, we just figured

we'd give you a chance to say something, bud.

Because around the jail, the word is you're afraid of Lahey.

- I'm afraid of Lahey?

No, I'm not a-fucking-fraid of anybody.

And Lahey's gonna get what's coming to him.

I'm gonna fucking kill him.

Well, I mean not gonna dead kill him,

but if he does get dead, it wasn't 'cause of fucking me.

But I'm gonna do something to Lahey.

Bubbles is working on something right now.

And maybe you might want to be in the cafeteria later on,

maybe you won't.

I don't know, it's up to you.

But I'm not fucking a-scared of Lahey

and you guys didn't trick me into saying this shit,

I just said it because I wanted to.

I'm not gonna kill Lahey, probably,

so fucking leave me alone.

- What's the timeline on this?

- I don't know, I'll work on it.

- End of the day, end of the day.

It's gonna be the end of the day, right?

- I can't do it by the end of the day.

- Repeat after me.

I can do this by the end of the day, Julian.

- Just 'cause you make me repeat something

doesn't make it possible. - Just repeat it then.

- It doesn't make it possible.

It's a lot of pressure. - All right.

- Just leave me alone and I'll work on it as fast as I can.

- And you'll have that done by the end of the day, right?

Please? - I'll try my best, Julian.

- All right, thank you.

That's all I wanted to hear.

All right, good luck man.

If you need any help, just tell Larry.

Maybe he can come get me.

- [Larry] That's gonna cost you extra there, Julian.

- All right? - Yes.

- All right, thanks bud.

- You have to understand

that if you hang with a bunch of shit hawks,

you're gonna be a fucking shit...

Birds of a shit feather flock together.

That's the maxim.

That's rule number one.

Second one.

You gotta consider nurture and nature.

That's what you have to consider.

Whether 'tis nobler, nevermind that shit.

Just think about it.

Rule number two.

Shit apple does not fall far from the shit apple tree.

You gotta look at your genes and genetics.

You gotta look carefully.

You can get a fucking test for 300 bucks or something

that'll tell you you're part this, you're part that,

you're part this, and you got a propensity for this,

and you're gonna get lile lumbango when you're 72

'cause every fucking male in your family did,

and that Aunt too, she was a little weird.

Anyway, razor blades,

that's what we're fucking talking about here,

ladies and gentlemen.

It's fucked.

Think about the price of razor blades.

How much does it cost to make one?

A half a set of cents?

You're making a fucking billion.

Kidding you not.

Let me just tell you.

This is an experiment I actually tried.

If you go into the dollar store,

and you get a pair of sunglasses for a dollar,

and you look at where it's distributed from,

Burnaby, B.C.,

and you go on your...

And you fucking go on the fucking line.

Excuse me, I'm having a little bit of a liquor surge.

You know, there's a new way to treat alcoholism.

They give 'em a drink every hour.

One little drink.

And people get back on...

(speaks incoherently)

And their able to raise their families.

Don't laugh at 'em.

When you think about it, it's not powder intuitive.

It's something that all of us know

in our deep heart of hearts where our shit line is,

and that's the third rule.

Never cross the shit line.

Ever.

Anyway, here's what I wanted to tell you.

All serious.

I wanted to tell you about the idea that I had.

(speaks incoherently)

(piano music)

No problem.

You know what?

You know what a pneumonic is?

You know what a pneumonic is?

Bet you fucking can't spell pneumonic.

Why?

'Cause the Oxford Dictionary spells it with a P-N-E-O, who-

E-U.

P-U.

That's fucking Randy's favorite expression nowadays.

P-U.

It's 'cause I made him go into the septic tank.

I wrapped him up in fucking garbage,

these boots all fucking taped with magic tape.

Anyway...

- [Ricky] Oh, yeah, they're looking good, hey?

Move these two fuckers over there,

bring the ones that needs some heat over here,

- [Julian] Good call man.

- [Ricky] You need to get

some fucking heat management going, man.

Why in the fuck would the grill say,

"Hey, over here, I'm hotter?"

- Well, probably you have this burner on

underneath it, still?

That's still on, you dummy. - Oh, shit.

That's what did it.

- Turn that off.

- Fucking Jesus. (Ricky laughs)

- Bubs, you don't want to know man.

You don't want to touch this thing though.

- I had a double grill going on.

This was heating up and so was that.

- [Julian] You're gonna melt the fucking plastic.

- That's why these guys cooked up so quick.

Maybe it's a good thing.

We don't know, we don't know.

- [Bubbles] We don't know for sure.

- Oh, shit. - [Bubbles] What?

- Look at that.

- There you go, maple syrup.

- We got some chocolate syrup, too.

Maybe you want some chocolate on to her.

- No, I don't.

- [Ricky] Okay. - I want maple.

- Remember that time?

What did Tom Green put on his fucking spaghetti?

- Chocolate sauce.

- Chocolate sauce. - With lobster.

- And lobster. - Fuck, that's gross.

- That was a weird one, I tried it.

- Yeah, lobsters and chocolate sauce.

- A Boeing 787 can fly 10,000 miles on one tank of gas.

- Yeah.

- That's crazy. - That's a lot, man.

- 787 Dreamliner.

- Go around the world,

you'd only have to fill up how many times?

- 10,000 miles?

You could make it almost all the way around.

Two tanks, you go right around.

- That's crazy.

(Bubbles burps and laughs)

- You've been on a Dreamliner, did you know that?

- Nope.

- Yep, we were on one two times.

- Did we dream? - When?

- Boeing 787 Dreamliner, we've been on them.

- You're fucking shitting me, man.

I was never on a Dreamliner.

- You were on a Dreamliner, my friend.

- [Ricky] Do you dream more

when you're on one of those, or no?

- The Air Canada ones?

Do you remember the windows and there's no blinds,

but you push a button and it just turns black?

That's the Dreamliner.

We were on it. - It was the 787 Dreamliner?

- Yeah, man.

- 787 Dreamliner.

- Didn't they stop making those fucking things, 'cause-

- No, it's brand new, Ricky.

- Yeah, I thought they were done with them.

- I don't think so, but there was some talk

that some people at the Boeing factory

were saying they not great with the leaving wrenches

inside the fucking engines and things.

- Yeah, that's not cool man, fuck.

- No, you don't want to be flying

with a fucking wrench in your jet engine, believe me.

I've dropped enough wrenches into enough jet engines.

- It would make it easier to fix.

It's just right there.

- Bubs, you can't just blurt something like that out

and expect to get away with it, man.

- [Bubbles] What?

- You've thrown fucking wrenches into jet engines?

- I've dropped enough wrenches accidentally

into enough jet engines to know-

- Who's fucking jet engine?

- Different ones.

Let's see, I've worked on different jets.

- [Julian] I'm calling bullshit on that one man.

- [Ricky] Did you ever work on Jack Travolta's?

- [Bubbles] No.

The Snowbirds, I worked on their jets.

- No, you did not fucking work-

- The Blue Angels wanted me.

- [Julian] They wanted you to what?

- [Bubbles] I was at a air show

and the Blue Angels heard that I was there.

- Fuck, come on.

- [Bubbles] And they wanted me to look at the engine.

- Bubs.

- And I looked at it and I tripped,

and I dropped the wrench in,

and blew the fucking arse right out of her.

- You're such a fucking liar, man.

- That happened.

- You've never worked

on a fucking Blue Angel fucking jet before.

- Me and the Blue.

I know a lot of the Blue Angels.

- I think you weren't working on the jets,

you were working on parts of them maybe.

- In the cock pit.

(Ricky laughs)

That's what you were doing.

- No, I didn't drop a wrench into a Blue Angel.

- You were in the cock pit, cocking around.

(Ricky laughs) Grabbing the gear shift.

- I'll dump a bowl of cheese on you,

and don't think I won't.

- Well, it's still a fucking lie, man,

because you've never worked on a jet.

- I never worked on the Blue Angels jets, you know that.

- Yeah, no shit.

That's what I'm trying to say.

- I could though.

I could fucking pull the engine out of a F-18,

drop a new one in.

It's just hoses and fucking ball bearings.

- [Julian] I know, I know, Bubs.

- [Ricky] Could you build one?

- No, I couldn't build one. - Oh.

- [Julian] What if you had all the parts?

- I mean, I could build a close facsimile,

but I can't promise it wouldn't explode.

- I think one of these

might be fucking close to being ready for some.

- All right, Bubs.

You tell me what the fuck that-

- So, this is a hot dog pancake.

- Pancake.

- No, it definitely needs maple syrup, not ketchup.

- No, I'm throwing ketchup the fuck on it.

See, I'm even eating- - You got a bowl, Ricky?

- Thanks, man.

- [Ricky] What kind of a bowl?

- A bowl and a fork would be nice, so I could properly-

- You know what?

I have all that stuff, but I don't know where it is,

because what happens is

I let all my dishes get dirty...

- I keep telling you,

use one drawer for all your forks and knives.

- I know, but then when it's empty,

then I forget which drawer I used.

You know what I mean?

- You got forks in every fucking drawer in your house.

I found forks in your sock drawer,

for fuck's sakes.

- What else do you need, man?

- A fork. - Right here.

Just eat the thing like a hot dog.

- No, I want to try some different condiments on to her.

- Ketchup's the way to go, man.

- I'm gonna try maple syrup, first.

Pour some of that in there.

- [Ricky] See that?

I'm on the fence.

I think either one might be good.

- Definitely ketchup, man.

Ketchup.

- [Bubbles] Cut up my...

- [Julian] Well, that's a good fucking pancake dog.

- [Bubbles] Dog cakes. - Dog cakes.

Wait 'til you fuck these over, Ricky.

You know what these taste like.

- What do you thinks better?

Ketchup or fucking maple syrup?

- Ketchup, man.

- That's a interesting...

- The maple syrup's nice.

- Here.

- Believe me.

- Put some of that shit on there.

- All right, I'll try both.

- You try a bit of ketchup now, Bubs.

You gotta change what's going on in your brain.

- You know what you should do?

You should mix ketchup, maple syrup, 50-50.

- You know what I think you need to do?

You need to decide

if you wanna feel like you're eating breakfast or lunch.

- Or lunch.

I'm totally in the lunch mode

and this is delicious, man.

- If you're in lunch mode,

then yes, you would go ketchup.

If you're in breakfast mode-

- Ketchup's not too fucking bad.

- Ketchup's good, man.

Go into lunch mode.

- All right, I'm going into breakfast mode.

- Two different things though, isn't it?

- Mm-hmm.

- [Julian] Maple syrup's better?

- Maple syrup, way better.

- Oh my fuck.

- Way better.

Ketchup, not.

Doesn't compute.

- I'm eating ketchup.

That's why I started eating these fucking things.

- Ah man, maple syrup's fucking good on those.

(Ricky chuckles)

- A pancake is supposed to have maple syrup.

- I just never pictured a fucking pancake

with pickles and onions and wieners.

- Oh there's pickles in there, too, isn't there?

- And cheese.

With cheese. - I forgot about cheese.

- These are fucking great, boys.

You know what?

We should eat these every Wednesday night or Friday night.

- Good call on the pickle pigs.

(all laugh)

- Pickles pigs.

They should be renamed to pickle pigs.

- Dog bake or dog cake?

- Dog cakes.

- Dog bakes.

Pickle pigs. - Pickle pigs.

(Ricky laughs)

(calm music)

(boat engine roars)

(birds caw)

- Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

- Jesus Christ.

(intense music)

- [Narrator] Fuck off.