Original subtitles

- [Narrator] Warning.

The following program contains really coarse language,

weed, alcohol consumption,

smoking and sexual infer lenses.

This content may not be suitable for viewers under 18.

To activate parental controls,

please press the big go fuck yourself button

on your remote control.

(relaxed music)

- Slow fried baloney sandwiches with cheese and mustard.

That's what I'm making.

- You always want to eat baloney, man.

- We had baloney last time.

Oh, I'll fuck with one,

don't get me wrong.

- Well, we had baloney airs.

We didn't have my special,

slow fried baloney sandwiches.

- Go for it,

do it up boys.

- I'll make them, Ricky,

you just stay seated.

I'll make the fuckers.

- [Ricky] Hey man.

- Holy fuck this guy's claiming that some

cheap dog de-worming medicine cured his fucking cancer, bud.

- [Bubbles] What did? - Some what?

- It's a de-worming medicine for his dog,

he took it.

- What the fuck,

he was just gonna guess and say,

"Hey, I wonder if this will cure my cancer.

Fuck, I'll try it."

- No man.

So this guy came up to him and say,

"Hey, look..." - Could have killed him.

- "You wanna get rid of that?

Take these fucking pills."

And it worked.

- Really?

Did you ever de worm yourself, Julian?

Because you had worms there one time.

- [Julian] I didn't have worms.

- [Ricky] What are you thinking for cheese?

- You had ass worms.

Remember?

- I did not have ass worms.

- We got cheese, man.

You want cheese for you sandwiches?

- Yeah.

I need cheese slices.

- Oh, shit.

- Do you have slices?

- Yeah man.

- Yeah we need slices.

- Bubbles, you ever hear of fenbendazole?

- Who?

Vin Diesel?

- No, not Vin Diesel.

Fenbendazol.

- Yeah man.

- Fenbendazole, yeah that's that drug you taking

to bend you over.

(Bubbles giggles)

- No, that's what we need to get our hands on.

- Why?

- It'll be worth a lot of money man.

- What is it?

- It's de worming shit, man.

For your dogs.

- What language are you talking?

What is it?

- I don't know what happened there.

- Yeah. Here we go.

This is that...

Why do you keep buying this thin shitty baloney?

Ricky, I like the thick stuff.

Thick cut.

- Here, is this thicker?

- That's what your mama said too.

- No, that's the same stuff,

- Mother fucker.

- All beef?

Yeah, that's the skinny slices.

I can just double them up.

- Double them up man.

- Yeah, it's not big deal.

Don't worry.

- Bubs, what do you think of that Yeti fucker.

- [Ricky] He's scary.

- What Yeti fucker?

- Yeti just the Yeti.

Believe in those things or what?

- In Yetis?

- Yeah.

- I believe in Yeti Van Halen.

(Bubbles laughs)

- [Ricky] You know what?

This was not a great grocery day.

- [Bubbles] No?

- [Ricky] Where the fuck?

Why did I buy spicy pickles?

- Do I have the wrong fucking burner on here?

Fuck.

- Bubs, the Indian army are saying

they found fucking Yeti footprints, man.

Up in the mountains.

- [Bubbles] I had the wrong one on.

- [Julian] Does that do anything to you?

- [Ricky] Do you want regular mustard or honey mustard?

- [Bubbles] Regular.

- [Julian] Fuck man.

- [Bubbles] Yellow mustard, Ricky.

- The Indian fucking irmy,

they've claimed to- - You want some spicy pickle?

- Have found Yeti.

Oh my Jesus.

- Yeah no, they found a footprint or something.

I heard...

- A bunch of them, man.

He was walking all over the fucking place in the mountains.

- Who was?

- This Yeti.

- Yeah.

- No he wasn't.

- [Julian] That's what they're saying, man.

- Apparently there's one Yeti left.

There's one Sasquatch left and they're gonna try

to get them together so that they can meet.

- Who said that?

- I read something about it.

- [Bubbles] Ricky, that's not true.

- Maybe that was a kid's movie.

- There's more than one Bigfoot.

AKA sandsquatch.

There's lots of those.

- What the fuck else do you need for these things?

- Fucking bears Bubs?

- I got everything I need, Ricky.

I got the bread.

- Do you need any molasses or anything?

- Nope.

- Hot sauce?

- Oh, Ricky, that fucking bread is fucking old

as the fucking hinges of hell.

- It's probably been a while, I don't eat-

Here, this is feeling.

- Oh no, you know what happened?

- This is feeling good.

- You know what happened to this bread?

- What?

The light?

- The fucking light.

You cooked the bottom of it.

Feel.

- Oh my God, it did dude.

- Feel that?

- Oh yeah. That's fucked.

Slow cooked.

- We gotta look at that.

- Might be good.

Slow toasted.

- The bread was sitting in the cupboard,

but look the bottom of it.

(bread knocking)

- It got slow toasted.

- [Julian] That's probably a bit of a fire hazard there.

- Oh, she's cooking.

Numnuts.

- Gimme a spatula, Ricky.

Oh, that's a big guy here, that's nice.

Oh yeah.

- [Ricky] Want a littler guy?

- No, I just, it's hard to...

I can't really...

Like the baloney's the same color as the pan.

Having trouble seeing it.

Can you see that baloney or is it completely camouflaged?

- It's pretty camouflaged,

it is cooking.

See how she's bubbling there now.

- No.

Oh yeah. That piece...

That needs to be flipped.

That piece there needs to be flipped.

This is not a great baloney pan,

I'll tell you that.

- [Ricky] That's a fucking great pan for everything.

- Camouflage. That's one of those fucking,

what are they called?

Klondike something?

Gold bears?

- Gold bears?

- I don't know.

Gotham steel.

- The no stick pan?

- Gotham steel no stick pan.

All the chemicals going right into you.

- I cooked an ice cube tray in that

the other night and it fucking came right out.

- You what?

- Just to see how fucking good it was.

I cooked an ice cube tray.

Not that the fucker ever stick.

- I wanna sort of get this built by the end of the day.

Is that gonna happen?

- The end of the fucking day?

Doesn't fucking matter if we're in jail,

outta jail, where we are.

Doesn't matter all Julian think about

how the fuck can I make more money?

Four toasters into one?

- Well, Bubs, we're losing money right now

just talking about it, okay?

Just get it fucking done today.

- All right.

I mean, it's ridiculous.

I work in here,

I work my nuts off all week.

I make 15 bucks a week.

15 bucks a week,

just fine and dandy for me.

- I can't live off $15 a week.

Fuck that.

I mean, I can make a lot of money in jail.

And if I can do that,

if I got the ability to do that,

I'm gonna do it.

You settle for living off of $15 a week.

You're fucked and you're lazy.

So this is the thing, you know,

I'm in here working my ass off.

I know he's working quite a bit as well.

But I'm trying to help him out.

He's always like,

"Nah-uh, don't touch my tools.

Don't touch the fucking toasters."

- The tools, I signed up the tools.

So I'm responsible for the tools.

You know what it fucking costs if that goes missing?

I got special privileges in here,

because I'm what they categorize as low risk.

So I'm allowed to sign tools out of the lock up.

You know, anything I want.

But I gotta be careful because once wrote are in my name,

if anything goes missing,

then I'm gonna get strip searched.

You know what that is?

Fucking strip searched.

Rip my cell apart.

I'm not going through that.

- I'm not gonna fucking accidentally leave

with a set of fucking snippers.

- And there's a guard in here they call gorilla fingers.

He's got fucking fingers the size of a soap can.

And he likes to, you know,

he searches everywhere,

everywhere.

And as the legend goes,

he enjoys it.

- All right.

So they can probably cut this and you know,

cut back and it'll be done.

Or how do they do this?

- Yeah, they don't need to film me working on toasters.

I mean, nobody wants to see that.

That's not interesting to anybody.

(gate beeps open)

Hey Ricky.

- [Ricky] What's going on?

- Was that so fucking hard, Larry?

Thank you.

- [Larry] (over intercom) You have two minutes.

Not supposed to be in here, Ricky.

- I know I'm not supposed to be in here

instead of give me a piece of hash on Friday,

every 30 fucking seconds.

Just gotta talk to Bubbles about something.

Bubbles, I need to fucking shit.

I'm fucking shitting-

- Ricky, Ricky.

Ricky.

- What?

(inaudible)

- The guys from the thing are here.

- Oh my fuck.

What the fuck is this?

What do you mean in jail?

They're not following me around a fucking jail, Julian.

No fucking way.

- [Larry] (on intercom) Ricky, calm the fuck down.

- It's like a paradise vacation in here.

If I don't get followed around in here,

they follow around the outside.

Turn off the fucking camera.

- Ricky, they're allowed to shoot us in jail.

- Turn off the fucking-

I see the red light,

turn off the fucking camera right now.

Get the fucking.

- Ricky.

- [Larry] (on intercom) Ricky.

- Larry, he's cool.

Ricky calm the fuck down.

- Show the fucker, Larry, okay?

Just having a little conversation with camera dick here.

Why the fuck are they in jail?

- Because we're under contract.

They're allowed to fucking shoot us 24 hours a day

if they want to, okay?

They're not gonna be here every day.

They're gonna be here every now and then.

And when they're here,

please say something that's gonna fucking, you know,

people are gonna learn something, okay?

- Yeah,

wanna learn how to do this?

Fuck off.

- Ricky.

- [Larry] Time's up.

Gotta go, Rick.

- It's all...

It's under control, Larry.

- Larry, you gotta turn your thing off for a minute.

You gotta turn your thing off for a minute.

I gotta talk to Bubbles about something.

Turn it off.

I can see the fucking red light.

- Just turn it off for a second.

- Thank you.

Bubs, I'm serious.

- [Bubbles] Ricky, just-

- [Ricky] Today is Jim Layhe's last day

on planet of the earth.

I need fucking something to stab him with.

Something's gonna fucking hurt him bad.

- Ricky, I'm not making you a shank.

- Here, perfect.

- No, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Knock him over the head with this Bubs.

- Ricky, I am responsible.

I signed that outta the lockup

and I'm not letting you use it as a murder weapon.

- I want to kill Layhe just as bad as Ricky does,

but you know what?

It's not gonna happen.

So just let it go.

We're in jail.

Kill Layhe in jail,

what's gonna happen to you?

You're gonna end up the rest of your fucking life

in this shithole.

Just fucking calm down.

We'll get him back.

Just gotta be smart about it.

- Shake that up and tell me what you think is in it.

- Oh, turn him off.

(robot chatters indistinctly)

- He looked like he was humping.

Mr. Layhe.

- Oh, I hope it's not.

- What do you think? - It's not.

- What did I promise you last time

we were in the show, Randy?

The last show,

what did I promise you, little buddy?

- That you weren't gonna drink so much, Mr. Layhe.

- No, I mean, Randy, I didn't.

What did I promise?

You said that you were gonna,

you gonna call it the Randy and Layhe show.

- No, I promised you that I was gonna get you a..

Ta-dah.

- No way.

- You're a...

You like it?

- It's a car boat, Mr Layhe.

- I think you agree.

- It's got wheels on it.

- It's true.

And I...

Where's the fucking key, Randy?

You can't fucking wind it up, Randy.

- Here's the key, Mr. Layhe.

- That's not the key.

That's the key to the fucking mystery box.

Listen does anybody got a pair of cliers out there?

Somebody gimme a pair of cliers.

- Pliers, Mr. Layhe.

Pliers.

- Yeah, needle nose.

- Hey, hey Frank,

how you doing, bud?

- Good, thanks.

- Yeah, are you?

You'd like to bang him,

wouldn't you, Randy?

- Mr. Layhe, don't say that.

- I'm gonna wind it up, Randy.

Because I got shit bags, Randy.

You lost the fucking key.

What kind of guys?

- I didn't lose the fucking

- You lost the fucking key.

- Mr. Layhe. - What?

- You were drunk and you got the mystery box ready?

I was getting the Randy kitchen going.

- Oh for Christ's sake, Randy.

I can't wind the fucking thing.

Well, what's it do when you wind it?

It goes (vocalizes engine).

Like this.

- Like an oak war motor.

- Yeah, like this.

Goes like this, Randy.

Fuck off you little shitbag. - Cool.

- Randy, this fucking piece of shit.

- Mr. Layhe, you broke my rowboat.

- I didn't break your rowboat.

It was broken when it got here.

- Mr. Layhe, this is just great.

- Hold on, Randy.

- Yeah, you say you're gonna show people what to do

and then you just end up being a drunk idiot.

- Not, not a drunk idiot, Randy.

I'm the host of the Randy and Layhe

fucking most incredible podcast in the world.

Go, go, go.

Go, little fucker.

- Give it a little push from behind, Mr. Layhe.

- Fuck off.

Fuck off, Randy.

- Mr.-

- This is the shit.

There's only one fucking thing we can do, Randy.

- You owe me another boat, Mr. Layhe.

- You're brought your dildie.

(Mr. Layhe giggles)

Okay, Randy's time for the podcast.

Time for the dic test.

- I'm not doing the dictionary again.

- Yeah, guess what?

I got the tuney for you, Randy,

if you do little...

One more, this is the last time I'll ever ask you.

It's really fucking important.

- What do you got?

I got a tuney for you, hey.

- Tuney Tuesday was yesterday, Mr. Layhe.

- Guess what, Randy?

- Too little too late is what I say.

- Oh I got two new tuneys.

- That's two tuneys.

- Okay?

Fucking.

- Okay, I'll do it then for two tuneys.

- Bend over, bend over,

let Layhe come over.

Anyway, Randy.

Just making a point and we're gonna share with the world.

- Okay, you want me to do this?

- Yeah, I really-

- Okay, we gonna do it quick,

because we don't want any lows, Mr. Layhe, okay?

- Okay.

- Okay, here we go.

I'm gonna reach in the book.

Oh, oh good one.

There you go. Mr. Layhe.

- What's that say?

- It says acros.

- Acros?

- Acriminate?

- Yes.

- Where the fuck is my glasses, Randy?

This is for everybody acromatic.

Achilles.

- Oh, gosh.

I'm sorry, Mr. Layhe.

I ripped some more pages.

- It doesn't matter.

- Stupid.

- We're never fucking doing it again.

That's because you fucking wrecked it.

- I didn't wreck anything.

- Here, have another drink.

Fuck off.

Nevermind.

- Okay folks, this is not the way the show is gonna be.

It's gonna be a happy show.

- It's gonna be a great show.

- Just let Mr. Layhe drink a few more drinks

and he'll turn into the nicest person,

because he's like Mr. Hyde and Jekyll.

- I am going to manipulate my myself, Randy.

- Holy, Mr. Layhe,

look a big bottle of liquor.

(Mr. Layhe giggles)

Give me a little more drink.

- You couldn't drink a drinker, Randy.

You can't drink a drinker.

Know what we're gonna do?

We're gonna show our listening about our crew.

Could you put the light on out there for a sec?

I'm gonna take a picture.

- [Randy] What are you doing?

- Okay, Randy.

- Mr. Layhe, the cameras are looking at us this way.

- I know, I'm just showing the camera, look.

Oh. There's Jeffrey with his...

And there's little Frankie.

Oh look and we got four cameras shoot there.

Who's that?

Oh, that's beautiful Nicole.

And there's lovely Lee-Anne right there.

- Check, one, two.

- What the fuck is this place?

- This is the fucking Mall of America, Ricky.

It's the biggest mall in the world.

And we're here.

We're gonna get on some fucking roller coasters.

- I want a cheeseburger, man.

- This is stupid.

Why are we at a mall?

We should be going to some place...

- It's not just a mall.

It's the fucking mall.

- Is there a place to get drunk in there?

- Bubs' excited,

he wants to go on a fucking roller coaster, Randy.

Randy wants to go to the food court of course.

The fucking idiot.

I just need some rolling papers.

They better sell fucking rolling papers in there.

- Ricky, it's the Mall of America,

they'll sell rolling papers.

- Let's get the fuck in there man,

it's cold out here.

- All right.

We'll see you in a second.

- You excited?

- Very excited.

Very excited to go into the mall.

(Ricky shivering)

Here's the mall.

- Okay, let's find the roller coaster, boys.

- All right, sounds good.

- [Ricky] This is it?

This is the biggest mall in the world?

Just this?

- [Bubbles] No, Ricky.

Holy fuck, look at that.

- [Ricky] Oh man, this is fucking cool.

- There's a whole land made outta Lego, Ricky.

- There's an aquarium in here, man.

10,000 sea creatures.

We could get baked and go check that out.

- Look at all the levels.

Four levels of fun.

Four levels of fun.

It's gonna be decent.

Come on, Randy.

Keep up.

- I'm coming, I'm coming.

I was looking to see the food court.

- Did we find out where the rollercoaster was?

- No, I thought you checked it out.

I couldn't see the thing that well.

- It was Julian's job.

Boys, I need to get some rolling papers.

- Just watch out and keep quiet.

- You can't go shopping,

ride rollercoaster and go to aquariums when I'm not baked.

We need to get fucking stoned.

- [Shopper] Is that the Trailer Park Boys?

Can I get a picture?

- [Bubbles] What's that?

- [Shopper] Can I get a picture?

- A picture?

Yes, you can get a picture.

- [Shopper] Can you take this picture?

Can I get in the middle?

- Get in here.

- You must have saw us on the TV, did you?

- Oh my god, you can.

You guys single-handedly lowered my GPA

freshman year from watching you,

do you know that?

- [Ricky] Nice.

- Single handedly?

- Oh my god.

Oh my god.

High-five.

Oh my god.

- [Bubbles] What are you doing?

- [Randy] We're trying to find the fucking rolling coaster.

- Oh my god.

Have fun.

The rollercoaster, if you go just straight,

right this way here.

Just right around the artist shaving place.

- Yeah?

- Yes.

- All right.

Let's go get it on.

- Love you guys.

- You too!

- She seemed nice.

- Bubs, how come all these people know who we are?

- Because they see us on the TV, Ricky.

- Even down here?

- Yeah, the guys that follow us around with the cameras,

you know that all plays down here too.

- Man, you know what?

This mall is bigger than I thought it's gonna be.

Hey, what is that thing?

- Oh, my god.

- A podium.

How can you have a mall that has this kind of stuff in it?

- [Bubbles] Look at that.

I've never seen anything like that.

- Turtles ride.

Ninja turtles.

- Oh really?

He can't walk around without shirt on?

- I'm allergic to shirts.

- I think it's a good rule,

I'm wishing you always wear a shirt.

Drives me nuts he never wears a shirt.

- Oh, it gives me a rash.

- You should have wore a shirt, you're stupid.

- He can go buy a shirt.

- All right.

- But if I wear it I get a rash, Bubbles.

- You know what?

He's ruining our day because of this.

- Two things actually.

One, can't wear a shirt.

Two, you have a video pass?

Have a video pass at all?

- [Ricky] Yeah we're from

the Canadian Association for Malls.

Just came down here to check it for Canadians.

- Randy, we gotta get you a shirt.

- [Julian] Nice going, Randy.

- Let's go, let's get you out of here.

Pardon me?

Turn it off?

I don't know how to work it.

Actually let's see.

- [Randy] What can I say?

- Randy. - It's the way it goes.

- [Julian] Nice going, Randy.

- [Ricky] You ruined the whole day, Randy.

- Well, I don't wear shirts.

I get a rash if I wear a shirt.

(Bubbles sighs)

- That's what happens when you take Randy

to the mall with us.

- [Female Shopper] Can I get a picture?

- They won't let us.

- [Ricky] You have to go out here to get anything.

- [Female Shopper] Okay.

- I hope you're proud of yourself, Randy.

- It's not my fault.

I can't do shit.

I don't wear shirts.

I get allergic.

I am allergic.

- Bullshit.

- [Ricky] Never going to the mall with Randy again.

- Kicked outta the fucking Mall of America.

Way to go, Randy.

- [Julian] Nice going, Randy.

- Fucking dickweed.

We got kicked out of the Mall of America.

We didn't even get to go on the roller coasters.

- It's not my fault,

you got a camera too.

- All right, let's get a photo.

- They saw the camera and that's why.

- It's not the camera,

he said you can't have a shirt on you.

I'm only one of two things.

- [Shopper] All right, everyone in the photo.

- You won't even let us get pictures with the fans.

- [Security] Hey man,

you're still in Mall of America property.

- [Bubbles] All right, see you guys later.

(Bubbles whimpering)

Well that concludes our trip to the Mall of America.

- You happy?

He didn't get to go on the fucking roller coasters

because of you.

God damn not wearing a shirt.

- Listen, girls don't have to wear pants,

they can wear skirts and show their legs

and they show their boobs and stuff.

It doesn't frigging matter.

- They're not fucking naked

from the waist up or the waist down.

- You guys know I don't wear frigging shirts, frig off.

- You had to come, didn't you?

Had to come.

- Give it to him, Bubs.

Give it to him.

- [Randy] Stop it, let me go.

- Oh for fuck sakes,

I really fucked this up.

What the fuck?

Sorry, Ricky.

- Actually that looks god damn fantastic.

- Well, it probably is.

- No man, that pan is fucked.

You know what?

I should've never did the ice cube tray,

that was dumb.

Fuck.

- [Julian] Just go grab another pan.

- No, actually look,

the cheese is coming right out of her.

I think there's plastic still in here, Ricky.

There could be,

I don't remember doing dishes, so.

- Oh, fuck sakes.

I dropped the toast, didn't I?

- You cooked her on hot, did you?

- Did I?

- She's pretty fucking red.

(Ricky and Bubbles laugh)

- There.

Here.

There's more...

This was the backup baloney over here.

So we'll just load that on.

- She's getting a little ripe in here.

Did you say you want pickles, or no pickles?

- I don't want pickles.

- [Ricky] Why the fuck did I buy spicy pickles?

- Here, just wait.

I'm gonna load that.

- [Ricky] Okay, you happy now?

- She's here, she's not even open I don't think.

No, brand new, Ricky.

- Why are you biting my mustard, man?

- I'm not biting it.

I'm biting the lid off of it.

- [Ricky] Okay.

(Bubbles splutters)

Wow.

- All right, Ricky.

Hide this under here,

that, put that on there.

- [Ricky] What's your secret recipe?

Or secret ingredient?

Anything?

- No, I'm not familiar with your kitchen, so.

- But you did toast the bread.

That's different.

- A little bit.

Where's a nice knife?

Where's your bread knife at?

Right here.

- Here, you want the electric?

- Bread knife.

Oh, look at that.

Oh, what's that?

A French bread?

No, bread knife.

(Bubbles chuckles)

There we'll split her, Ricky.

- What about muscles? - [Julian] I'm good.

- He doesn't want one.

He said he didn't want any of my baloney sandwich.

- Baloney fucking,

it reminds me of jail.

That's what baloney reminds me of.

- It's a good memory.

- You know what?

There's a lot of money in fucking writing bedtime stories.

Just so you know this, Bubs.

- How much money?

- A lot. - How much?

- People are into it. - How much?

- People are having a hard time falling asleep these days.

People are writing,

they're called sleep writers.

- Get a zoomer of that.

- [Ricky] For adults?

- [Julian] For adults, man.

- Bedtime stories for adults?

- Yeah. - What the fuck do you mean?

- It's just bedtime stories that are fucking...

They'll catch your attention,

but then make you go to sleep

because they're kind of fucking boring.

So that might be something you can get into.

- So you write a boring story and you get money?

- [Julian] And you get money.

- Holy fuck that's good baloney.

- Maybe that's the secret with the thin stuff,

you just add more,

like a fucking smoke meat sandwich.

- Fryer up man.

A little bit of a crisp to it.

You know?

Jesus. - Vodka and baloney.

- We could write boring stories.

That would be easy.

- We gotta write some boring stories, Bubs.

You're good at that shit.

- What are you talking about?

- You just gotta write boring stories,

there are big money in it now.

Bedtime stories.

- Mine's gonna start out,

today, I was laying in the grass

and then,

I rolled over,

and then I saw a cloud

and then I saw a bug

and then I fell asleep for a little bit

and then I woke up.

- That's exact...

You know what,

let's fucking record one right now.

(Ricky laughs)

- This is how you...

They're all recorded things, right?

You're not gonna write them.

- I gotta try a bite of this honker.

- Huh?

- It's fucking good man.

(slow piano music)

(boat chugging)

- [Fish] Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck,

fuck, fuck off,

Jesus Christ, hang on, fuck.

(sign whooshing)

- [Voice] (whispering) Fuck off.