Original subtitles

(theme music)

- Fucking right.

- Come on, Julian.

- [Julian] Just a second.

- Frog.

- I was reading something here

that I wanted to share with you guys,

but I can't remember what it was.

- [Julian] What is that?

- Oh, yeah!

How many times does this happen?

- [Julian] What?

- "How to survive if you wake up next to someone

and don't remember their name."

- [Julian] You ask them what their name is.

- What do you mean how to survive?

It's not like really a life and death...

- It happens to people, man.

It's happened to me.

So here's what you do.

"If you're at their place, do not panic.

Get up and go to the bathroom.

Look through the medicine cabinet for prescription

medicines with her name on the label,"

or his name, depending.

- Or just fucking leave. Say, "Hi. Nice to meet you."

- "Sort through magazines,

looking for subscription labels with a name and address."

- [Julian] Or get up and make them,

or her a fucking breakfast or something, man.

- "Go through a waste basket

to find discarded junk mail addressed to her."

- [Julian] Jesus Christ.

- Yeah, that's what you do.

Get out and start creeping

through their fucking medicine cabinet

so that they call the police on you.

- [Julian] People are fucked.

- And say, "There's a stranger in my house,

looking up my medicine."

- "Then you return to the bedroom.

If she's awake, ask her to make coffee for you.

Use the time alone to search the bedroom for evidence.

Look for a wallet, checkbook, ID or name bracelet."

- Who wrote this book? Fucking Matlock?

- "Scrapbook business cards."

- Jessica Fletcher wrote the book.

- "If she is sleeping,

look for these and other items throughout the house."

All right, that's good. That's a good piece of news.

- Next thing. Get out some rope.

Sneak up behind them.

- "If it's at your place,

use terms of endearment when addressing her.

Do not guess at her name.

Acceptable terms of endearment are,

'Honey, sweetie, cutie, darling, baby...'"

- Oh yeah, that goes over big these days.

- [Ricky] "'sugar...'"

- [Julian] "Hey, sweetie."

- [Ricky] "'beautiful...'"

- "Hey, sweetie, fire me up a cup coffee would ya?"

- [Ricky] "'handsome, and gorgeous.'"

- No, this book's outdated,

That sounds like something that would happen in the '50's.

- "Unless you are certain that you have--"

- Burt Reynolds.

- "ample time, do not go through her belongings.

If your partner is showering,

you can count on having at least a few minutes of privacy

to search through her belongings, otherwise--"

- Is this really in the book?

- "Otherwise do not risk it."

- Look at dude, he's in his fucking underwear,

looking at her shit.

- Shuffling through her drawers while she's in the shower.

- "Ask leading questions while making small talk.

Fishing for information is risky and can backfire by calling

attention to what you're trying to do."

- How do you spell your name? Is that with a.. an A?

- [Ricky] Well, oh, this is how you trick.

This is how you trick them.

"While getting dressed,

pull out your own ID and ask her if she thinks that your

hair is better now or in the picture."

- [Julian] Oh my fuck.

- Oh, I hope she'd be on to you then.

- "Laugh about how silly you used to look."

- "Look at that crazy picture of me back then.

What yours look like?"

- We gotta back this up.

So this means--

- "Ask her if she ever had a nickname. She might say no."

- Is this about a one night stand?

You wake up with a chick next to you?

- Yes.

- And you don't know what the fuck happened?

- "Ask her how she got her name."

- "What does your name mean in Navajo?"

- [Ricky] "If she is leaving,

give her your business card and ask for hers."

- There's a lot.

- It's very romantic.

- There's a lot going on here that's not right.

- "Thanks for all the banging, here's my business card."

- "If she does not have a business card,

ask her to write her vital information on yours."

- Yeah, all sounds very normal.

Very normal.

She's not gonna think you're a creep show

after that one.

- This is how to... Oh. "How to spot breast implants.

Remember if they look too good to be true,

they probably are."

- Ricky.

Where did you this book?

- [Ricky] "Assess breast size and compare it

with frame size."

- For what?

Why?

- Petite... Petite? Is that a word?

- Petite? Yeah, but why?

That's small. Why are you doing this?

- "Petite women have naturally small breasts."

- Tell that to Dolly Parton.

- Yeah, but hers aren't real.

- Dolly Parton's boobs are real!

- They were big. Out of the gate they were fucking big.

- "Be suspicious of baseball shaped breasts

or strangely arranged breasts."

- What?

- Strangely arranged?

That's a giveaway.

She's got one on her stomach and one on her sternum.

Something's not right there.

- "Check cleavage for rippling of the skin."

- Oh, after you read this book,

you're gonna be a real popular fella.

- "If appropriate, brush up against or hug someone

with suspected breast implants."

- "Hi. Hi. Nice to meet you, man."

- No, man. Don't touch me. Get away from me, man.

- "Check under and around the breast for scarring."

- Why are you doing this, though?

Like, what is that?

Who's that for?

- It's a survival book. What's it called?

- Give me some fucking answers here, Bubs.

- "The Ultimate Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook."

- This could save your life.

- Ricky. It's not even...

(Bubbles sighs)

- Fucking cocksuckers.

- 1989?

- Fucking pricks. Assholes.

- It's fucked up man.

- Fucking police.

- What is it, Ricky?

- Oh, they're just tricking people.

- "Wisconsin Police warn recently bought..."

"Wisconsin Police warn recently bought meth

may contain Coronavirus."

- Right.

- "They offered to test it for free."

- [Ricky] Yeah.

- So people brought their meth in?

- And get fucking arrested.

- [Bubbles] Well, you know what?

If you're dumb enough to bring your meth

down to the police station

and say, "Could you tell me if this has Coronavirus in it?"

You probably don't--

- It's not fair to the virus either.

Because it isn't... Doesn't have it.

- "How to tell if you're dead."

Are you kidding me?

What the? "How to tell if you're dead."

- How? I'd like to know.

I could be dead right now, not even know it.

- "The grammar check." Okay, that's number one.

"When people speak about you,

note whether they do so in the present or past tense."

Are you fucking kidding me?

- So I could be a ghost right now?

- Ricky was a good guy, eh?

- Ricky was a great fella.

I miss him.

- Fucking awesome guy, man.

- Jesus. I miss him.

- Fuck, boys. Maybe I'm dead.

- No.

- Do you hear something?

- Fucked up.

- Every now and then I think I hear something,

and I get a chill in my bones.

- Punch me in the face.

- It's like Ricky's right here with us.

- Sort of wonder what two was.

Cause the number one was fucked.

- If you get punched in the face,

and you feel it? Not dead.

- Turn the page. There was a picture of a guy

putting a fork through his hand.

- "How to a deal with someone welding a chair."

Oh, wielding!

- Welding?

(Ricky and Julian laugh)

- Wielding a chair. Big difference.

Yeah, because if they're welding it, that's one thing.

- I was gonna say, you wouldn't come across that situation.

- "Thrust your hand towards the attacker's face,

duck and grab his closet ankle."

- His what?

- Closest!

(button rings)

His closest ankle.

(button rings)

- His ankle came out of the closet?

- Or grab a boulder or something. A big rock.

- Oh, grab the chair.

- Or fucking pull out your gun and shoot him in the face.

- There's another good one.

- Ricky. That's a bit extreme.

- Yeah, no one do that.

- All right. The kneecap, maybe.

- The kneecap!

- That'll take them down.

- That'd probably hurt.

- [Julian] You'd never--

- Oh, I thought you were trying to kill me with that chair.

No, I was just moving it over there

and you blew my fucking knee off.

- You know, in the '70's.

And I remember, fuck, I was a good cop.

Don't let anyone tell you.

In the '70's.

My partner, in the '70's,

fucking rest in peace,

was like a fucking George cock sucking Green.

Pissed me off. Ruined my fucking life.

There's certain people in your life that fucks you over.

Birds of a shit feather flock together.

If you find yourself with a shit crow,

in your fucking nest or living near you,

fucking walk away, that's all I'm saying.

If I could live my life over, I wouldn't need this.

Actually I wouldn't need this, but I might not need this.

But you know what I'm getting at.

Life is just a fucking rose bowl of cherries.

You know what I'm saying?

Anyway, I remember it was in the '70's and...

Oh yeah, my partner and I, rest in peace,

he's a good fucking guy.

My partner and I were on this fucking drug bust.

Here's what was going on:

It was fucking hashish coming into the port of Halifax,

fucking by the container load,

because the fucking guys were paying him off.

Meanwhile, downtown,

all the fucking- not all the stevedores,

but one of them fuckers-

they'd see what was in the fucking thing

was TVs or whatever. "Oh, we'll have that one."

They're fucking empty. No one gave us shit,

because insurance came in.

Fuck that. Anyway,

I'm just saying this fucking container came in,

and we knew about it,

and we fucking started spying on this shit,

and see where all the fucking dope was going.

Well, some of the dope was going to the local biker gangs,

which were cleaned up about eight years ago

and now they're fucking back.

I don't fucking understand that shit.

If a guy's a cocksucker,

and you get him over the shit nest,

keep him over the fucking shit nest.

That's all I mean.

Anyway,

We did our best fucking police work.

I want you to know. I under-covered for about two months.

I didn't shave or anything like that.

I found out 90% of the hashish that was coming in

in this fucking container

was going to Scotland.

About 5% was going up to fucking Montreal.

And about 5% was staying around here,

to the fucking shit weasels.

We had... I got a tip that two of the Scottish guys,

that were here to fucking tin,

they were in this hotel room and I could go there and I

could find the papers. I could find dope.

I could find shipping stuff. I could find guns.

I could find a lot of money and it was the fucking tip.

And,

you know,

I never told who gave me that tip to this fucking day.

And you know what? You know why I can't?

Fucking can't remember.

Anyway, my partner and I, fucking police force,

I told Chief, I said to Chief, "This is going down,"

and he, fucking, you know, they used to call me...

Nevermind.

I'm won't fucking tell you what they used to call me.

I used to get them alerted once in a while

for shit going down.

But somehow, someone in the fucking department,

it could have been George cock locking Green himself,

fucking spilled the beans.

(Jim speaking gibberish)

Nevermind.

Anyway, we went there four o'clock in the morning.

because we were gonna catch those guys red-handed.

I was fucking scared shitless, because I know

these Scottish guys, they were fucking- oh my God-

I never met them but they had a real fucking reputation

for just going, "Hi, how you doing?"

(Jim imitates gunshot)

Blowing your fucking nuts off.

The fucking front door was open.

We came in the house,

my partner and I, and it was fucking pitch black.

And we heard this fucking music. It was incredible music.

It was quite loud. It kind of like,

(Jim sings)

that kind of thing.

Like the Bambolero.

So we go up the stairs,

creeping up the fucking stairs, guns drawn,

and there's music coming from the fucking room.

And I open the door,

and just about 50 candles all around all that.

Maybe not that many.

And there was two naked people on the bed,

the Scottish guys.

And they were in this kind of numerical position.

And I stood there and I watched them for the longest time,

and they knew we were watching them,

and then they just looked over,

like they knew we were coming all the time.

And that was a fucking moment that changed my life forever.

Right there as if the world didn't matter.

Yeah.

And I don't know why, but

that 69, every time I have a sip,

I think of those beautiful men.

Tune back into Jim Lahey Liquor Stories,

and I'll tell you another exciting tale.

(tools clattering)

(Bubbles exhales)

(toaster beeping)

- Un-fucking-believable.

(toaster beeping)

Larry, can you hear me?

- [Larry] What do you need, Bub?

- These toasters I told you not to get from China.

Every one of them's fucked.

- [Larry] Fuck off.

- Circuit board's not working.

I tested them all. They're all garbage.

- [Larry] Not my problem, Bubbles, bye.

- You might as well send them right the fuck back.

- [Larry] Yup, get right on that, thereby.

- Fucking bullshit.

For fuck sakes.

Hey Julian, what's going on?

- [Julian] What's going on, Bubs?

- Just working on these stupid fucking Chinese toasters.

- Right on, man.

You gotta put down scene one and

whatever you gotta put on this thing.

- What are they doing here?

- It's SwearNet. It's the camera crews.

They're gonna be following us around for a little while.

- In jail?

- Yeah. We're under contract.

They get to come in. I've been talking to them.

- What do you mean? Ricky's gonna fucking freak out.

- He doesn't fucking have choice.

He's gotta fucking do this.

I think it's pretty cool that the SwearNet people

got a hold of me and wanted to come in, and you know,

film us and shoot a little show. You know?

I think people could seriously learn something

from what goes on in jail.

- What do you want me to do?

- It's scene one.

- Oh, so I'm the fucking slating guy now, am I?

You don't even get a fucking break in jail.

Mark it.

Why can't you be the slating guy?

- Because I've got a drink in my hand.

All right.

How you doing, you fuckers? This is Julian.

This is Bubbles. We're in jail.

This show is called Julian in Jail.

You guys are gonna learn a lot of shit from us.

- Why is the show called Julian in Jail?

If I'm on the fucking show,

it's not called Julian in Jail.

- They already cleared it. They said it was a good name.

We're gonna go with that.

- Well, we need to have equal billing.

Ever since you guys with the cameras there

have been putting us all over the world,

around the world,

it's gone right to Julian's head.

I mean, I hate to say it,

but he's kind of being a show off.

Are we getting paid?

- [Julian] We're going to get paid. I'll get into that.

Let's just talk about what you're doing

here right now, Bubs.

- You might as well just call the show fucking,

"Larry Bought a Fucking Load of Shady Chinese Toasters."

That's what the show should be called.

Because they got me working on these things,

trying to fix them to send them back to the store,

and the fucking, look at the circuit boards.

Look what I'm working with. Look at that.

See that transistor?

- [Julian] Yeah?

- See that? Garbage.

- [Julian] How can you tell it's garbage?

- Because look, if you put current to it, look, its just...

There's no fucking rhyme or reason to why that's doing that.

- Alright, what's happening here,

they got a bunch of toasters in, they're all defective.

The company gets them back from the customers.

They go to another company. They send it to us.

We fix them. They resell them.

- I fixed them. Not we, me.

- We fixed them, I'm gonna have a part in this.

- I'm the one in here,

fucking 12 hours a day, working on goddamn toasters.

- It's a shitty place. But,

you know, there is ways of making it

a lot better for yourself in here.

And that's what I want to teach people.

Bubs, what I want you to do is take these four toasters,

build one massive heating unit so we can cook something.

Okay?

- What? I can't do that.

- [Julian] Just take the elements outta these ones,

put it into this one--

- I wrap fucking elements from four toasters into one unit?

- [Julian] Can it be done?

- Well, obviously it can be done, but I mean,

what are you trying to cook?

The fucking thing's gonna be about 300 degrees.

- That's perfect. If you can get this thing to 325,

it would be absolutely perfect.

What you got to do in jail,

you gotta think outside of the box.

You don't make a lot of money.

You make like 15, 20 bucks a week.

In shithole places like this. Workshops.

So you gotta make money where you can make money.

I've come up an idea

that's gonna make us a lot of fucking money.

If you can only get this thing to work with four--

- Oh, I can, don't worry.

I can rig it up.

- [Larry] Bubbles, things like these have be approved, bud.

- Yeah. No, I'll just, don't worry about it, Larry.

- No, he's cool.

We're cool down here, Larry.

- [Larry] Right on.

- Alright. So how long do you think this is gonna take?

- Well, Julian, I mean, it's a bit of a fucking order here.

I gotta strip the elements out four toasters now,

you know, drop the walls on this one,

rewire the fucking things in, solder it back together.

It's not gonna be a quick job.

- [Julian] What can I do? I wanna help you.

Want me to take this one apart?

Or what do you want me to do?

- No, just, look, I know where everything is.

Just hands off. Get me a good set of pinchers over there.

My good pinchers.

- So the next category is land scrapes.

There's one I painted on the podcast, actually.

And it looks fucking fantastic.

Once you paint for a while,

you can actually get this good.

So that's a land scrape.

And then the other type of painting is heads.

So you wanna take your paint plate,

and get some smaller fucking brushes for this shit.

So that can be some nice, nice flowing hair there.

Looks great, kind of like Jennifer Atkinson,

or whatever the fuck her name is.

Then you wanna take some of your white,

mix that with red.

White and red actually can make pink.

You'll learn that pretty quickly.

Nice thing about long hair is it hides the ears,

Because ears are fucking hard to paint.

So, pretty much fill in most of the area,

except for you wanna put a mouth in there.

Alright. So once you got the mouth done

then you can fill in the rest of the fucking face

with some more pink.

Maybe do some fucking eyebrows,

and use a bit darker red to

outline some kind of a nosy thing.

And then for eyes, I like to go with blue.

Blue are my favorite kind of eyes,

I guess cause I have some.

Pretty nice looking fucking eyes there.

Kind of just beaming at you.

I mean, once you have a nice head like this,

you could start with, you know,

you can maybe make a little bit of a body too.

That's arms there.

And then maybe put some...

You don't want to paint clothes,

clothes are fucking hard to paint.

So you could maybe put

some breasts on there.

Breasts are hard to paint, especially the shadowing, and

I find the nipples really hard.

That looks pretty good.

So once you have some real nice looking breasts on there,

like, actually I'm starting to feel a little funny here.

That looks so real.

So I'm gonna finish a bit more of this up,

and go have another smoke break,

another couple drinks.

And we're gonna move on to extreme fucking painting, or

what's it called again?

Ab stacks, where you stack the paint.

Look at that fucking thing.

She's hot!

Okay. We're backed and we're really fucking baked now.

I did a bit more painting,

kind of filling in while I was smoking my canon.

I mean, normally I'd spend a couple more hours

putting a bit more detail.

I mean, that looks really realistic and awesome,

but I would normally put a bit more detail,

a bit of shadowing around the breasts and teeth,

and you know,

nostrils and maybe some eyelashes that sort of shit.

But these tools that they gave me fucking suck.

So we're gonna move on to extreme fucking painting,

right after I sign this.

Because every painter should sign his paintings.

That's what you're supposed to do.

I forgot to sign that one, but I'll do it later.

So,

like this brush is shitty,

even for signing my fucking name, but...

Oh, that's pretty close.

Looks pretty good.

- I don't know. Kind of cute.

It's a dog cat.

- [Bubbles] No. Don't want see it.

- Bubs, look how cute that little fucker is.

- Why, are you afraid you might like it more than a cat?

- Huh. Look at this little fucker.

Look at him.

- [Bubbles] Yeah, he's fucking, he's like a...

- [Ricky] That is pretty cute.

- You'd kick that little fucker outta your shed?

- Hm.

- Would ya?

- Don't like him.

- [Ricky] Well, he's fuck of a lot smarter than a dumb cat.

- He could play with you and stuff.

- Fucked up, man.

- Ricky, I'd fucking...

I'd put my cats up against you any day of the week.

- For what? Playing with each other?

- No, for smart stuff.

If they woke up next to a person,

they'd know how to get the fuck out of there

without rooting through their medicine cabinet,

I'll tell you that.

- A cat can't even count. Dog can.

- Cats can count to a thousand.

- Alright. Well, I guess they're smarter than I...

- I've had several cats that could count to a thousand.

- [Julian] Come on.

That's fucking cute, man.

- [Bubbles] He's fairly cute,

but I'd need to know what type of fur's on him.

Is he coarse or is he soft?

- No, he looks soft, man.

What do you mean, coarse?

- He could be like a bristly old brush.

Dirty, old fucking sink brush,

and you don't want to be having him around.

- I think that I would like to uh...

- Come on.

- If we're playing favorite person of the week,

I'd like to nominate this guy from Louisiana.

- Are we playing favorite person of the week? I didn't know.

- We could be.

- Okay. Who is it?

- He got pulled over and his license plate expired in 1997.

(Ricky laughing)

- That's awesome.

- Well.

- He's fucking amazing. 23 years.

And his excuse was, "I've been busy."

- See, I don't disagree with him.

There's been things I've been meaning to do

for 20 or 25 years that I've been just too busy to get at.

- Like what?

- Just different things. Different things.

- So it just shows you, I mean,

how much money would he have spent in years?

- I've been meaning to get new pair of boots.

I haven't done that yet.

- Couple hundred bucks a year. Over 28 years.

That's a lot of money he saved.

- Boys, I gotta use it.

- One or two? Because you're not doing two-ing in here.

- Do you have piss jug, Ricky,

or should we just shut her down?

- Yeah, I got a piss jug.

Or, just use that thermos.

- Ricky, you that's your drinking thermos.

- I could wash it.

- I'm not pissing in your--

- Just use it! Go for it.

- I'm not pissing in your thermos.

- He offered it up.

- I'll just go piss in the toilet. I just thought, you know.

- Yeah, you could do that.

- It's rude, man. Use his thermos.

- Oh boy.

(button rings, theme music)