All language subtitles for Trailer.Park.Boys.The.SwearNet.Show.Series.S03E07.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-NPMS_track3_[eng]

(theme music)

- Fucking right.

- Come on, Julian.

- [Julian] Just a second.

- Frog.

- I was reading something here

that I wanted to
share with you guys,

but I can't remember
what it was.

- [Julian] What is that?

- Oh, yeah!

How many times does this happen?

- [Julian] What?

- "How to survive if you
wake up next to someone

and don't remember their name."

- [Julian] You ask them
what their name is.

- What do you mean
how to survive?

It's not like really
a life and death...

- It happens to people, man.

It's happened to me.

So here's what you do.

"If you're at their
place, do not panic.

Get up and go to the bathroom.

Look through the medicine
cabinet for prescription

medicines with her
name on the label,"

or his name, depending.

- Or just fucking leave.
Say, "Hi. Nice to meet you."

- "Sort through magazines,

looking for subscription labels
with a name and address."

- [Julian] Or get
up and make them,

or her a fucking breakfast
or something, man.

- "Go through a waste basket

to find discarded junk
mail addressed to her."

- [Julian] Jesus Christ.

- Yeah, that's what you do.

Get out and start creeping

through their fucking
medicine cabinet

so that they call
the police on you.

- [Julian] People are fucked.

- And say, "There's a
stranger in my house,

looking up my medicine."

- "Then you return
to the bedroom.

If she's awake, ask her
to make coffee for you.

Use the time alone to search
the bedroom for evidence.

Look for a wallet, checkbook,
ID or name bracelet."

- Who wrote this
book? Fucking Matlock?

- "Scrapbook business cards."

- Jessica Fletcher
wrote the book.

- "If she is sleeping,

look for these and other
items throughout the house."

All right, that's good.
That's a good piece of news.

- Next thing. Get out some rope.

Sneak up behind them.

- "If it's at your place,

use terms of endearment
when addressing her.

Do not guess at her name.

Acceptable terms
of endearment are,

'Honey, sweetie, cutie,
darling, baby...'"

- Oh yeah, that goes
over big these days.

- [Ricky] "'sugar...'"

- [Julian] "Hey, sweetie."

- [Ricky] "'beautiful...'"

- "Hey, sweetie, fire me
up a cup coffee would ya?"

- [Ricky] "'handsome,
and gorgeous.'"

- No, this book's outdated,

That sounds like something
that would happen in the '50's.

- "Unless you are
certain that you have--"

- Burt Reynolds.

- "ample time, do not go
through her belongings.

If your partner is showering,

you can count on having at
least a few minutes of privacy

to search through her
belongings, otherwise--"

- Is this really in the book?

- "Otherwise do not risk it."

- Look at dude, he's in
his fucking underwear,

looking at her shit.

- Shuffling through her drawers
while she's in the shower.

- "Ask leading questions
while making small talk.

Fishing for information is risky
and can backfire by calling

attention to what
you're trying to do."

- How do you spell your
name? Is that with a.. an A?

- [Ricky] Well, oh,
this is how you trick.

This is how you trick them.

"While getting dressed,

pull out your own ID and ask
her if she thinks that your

hair is better now
or in the picture."

- [Julian] Oh my fuck.

- Oh, I hope she'd
be on to you then.

- "Laugh about how
silly you used to look."

- "Look at that crazy
picture of me back then.

What yours look like?"

- We gotta back this up.

So this means--

- "Ask her if she ever had a
nickname. She might say no."

- Is this about a
one night stand?

You wake up with a
chick next to you?

- Yes.

- And you don't know
what the fuck happened?

- "Ask her how
she got her name."

- "What does your
name mean in Navajo?"

- [Ricky] "If she is leaving,

give her your business
card and ask for hers."

- There's a lot.

- It's very romantic.

- There's a lot going on
here that's not right.

- "Thanks for all the banging,
here's my business card."

- "If she does not
have a business card,

ask her to write her vital
information on yours."

- Yeah, all sounds very normal.

Very normal.

She's not gonna think
you're a creep show

after that one.

- This is how to... Oh. "How
to spot breast implants.

Remember if they look
too good to be true,

they probably are."

- Ricky.

Where did you this book?

- [Ricky] "Assess breast
size and compare it

with frame size."

- For what?

Why?

- Petite... Petite?
Is that a word?

- Petite? Yeah, but why?

That's small. Why
are you doing this?

- "Petite women have
naturally small breasts."

- Tell that to Dolly Parton.

- Yeah, but hers aren't real.

- Dolly Parton's boobs are real!

- They were big. Out of the
gate they were fucking big.

- "Be suspicious of
baseball shaped breasts

or strangely arranged breasts."

- What?

- Strangely arranged?

That's a giveaway.

She's got one on her stomach
and one on her sternum.

Something's not right there.

- "Check cleavage for
rippling of the skin."

- Oh, after you read this book,

you're gonna be a
real popular fella.

- "If appropriate, brush
up against or hug someone

with suspected breast implants."

- "Hi. Hi. Nice
to meet you, man."

- No, man. Don't touch
me. Get away from me, man.

- "Check under and around
the breast for scarring."

- Why are you
doing this, though?

Like, what is that?

Who's that for?

- It's a survival
book. What's it called?

- Give me some fucking
answers here, Bubs.

- "The Ultimate Worst Case
Scenario Survival Handbook."

- This could save your life.

- Ricky. It's not even...

(Bubbles sighs)

- Fucking cocksuckers.

- 1989?

- Fucking pricks. Assholes.

- It's fucked up man.

- Fucking police.

- What is it, Ricky?

- Oh, they're just
tricking people.

- "Wisconsin Police
warn recently bought..."

"Wisconsin Police warn
recently bought meth

may contain Coronavirus."

- Right.

- "They offered to
test it for free."

- [Ricky] Yeah.

- So people brought
their meth in?

- And get fucking arrested.

- [Bubbles] Well, you know what?

If you're dumb enough
to bring your meth

down to the police station

and say, "Could you tell me if
this has Coronavirus in it?"

You probably don't--

- It's not fair to
the virus either.

Because it isn't...
Doesn't have it.

- "How to tell if you're dead."

Are you kidding me?

What the? "How to
tell if you're dead."

- How? I'd like to know.

I could be dead right
now, not even know it.

- "The grammar check."
Okay, that's number one.

"When people speak about you,

note whether they do so in
the present or past tense."

Are you fucking kidding me?

- So I could be a
ghost right now?

- Ricky was a good guy, eh?

- Ricky was a great fella.

I miss him.

- Fucking awesome guy, man.

- Jesus. I miss him.

- Fuck, boys. Maybe I'm dead.

- No.

- Do you hear something?

- Fucked up.

- Every now and then I
think I hear something,

and I get a chill in my bones.

- Punch me in the face.

- It's like Ricky's
right here with us.

- Sort of wonder what two was.

Cause the number one was fucked.

- If you get
punched in the face,

and you feel it? Not dead.

- Turn the page. There
was a picture of a guy

putting a fork through his hand.

- "How to a deal with
someone welding a chair."

Oh, wielding!

- Welding?

(Ricky and Julian laugh)

- Wielding a chair.
Big difference.

Yeah, because if they're
welding it, that's one thing.

- I was gonna say, you wouldn't
come across that situation.

- "Thrust your hand towards
the attacker's face,

duck and grab his closet ankle."

- His what?

- Closest!

(button rings)

His closest ankle.

(button rings)

- His ankle came
out of the closet?

- Or grab a boulder or
something. A big rock.

- Oh, grab the chair.

- Or fucking pull out your
gun and shoot him in the face.

- There's another good one.

- Ricky. That's a bit extreme.

- Yeah, no one do that.

- All right. The kneecap, maybe.

- The kneecap!

- That'll take them down.

- That'd probably hurt.

- [Julian] You'd never--

- Oh, I thought you were trying
to kill me with that chair.

No, I was just
moving it over there

and you blew my
fucking knee off.

- You know, in the '70's.

And I remember, fuck,
I was a good cop.

Don't let anyone tell you.

In the '70's.

My partner, in the '70's,

fucking rest in peace,

was like a fucking George
cock sucking Green.

Pissed me off. Ruined
my fucking life.

There's certain people in
your life that fucks you over.

Birds of a shit
feather flock together.

If you find yourself
with a shit crow,

in your fucking nest
or living near you,

fucking walk away,
that's all I'm saying.

If I could live my life
over, I wouldn't need this.

Actually I wouldn't need this,
but I might not need this.

But you know what
I'm getting at.

Life is just a fucking
rose bowl of cherries.

You know what I'm saying?

Anyway, I remember it
was in the '70's and...

Oh yeah, my partner
and I, rest in peace,

he's a good fucking guy.

My partner and I were on
this fucking drug bust.

Here's what was going on:

It was fucking hashish coming
into the port of Halifax,

fucking by the container load,

because the fucking guys
were paying him off.

Meanwhile, downtown,

all the fucking- not
all the stevedores,

but one of them fuckers-

they'd see what was
in the fucking thing

was TVs or whatever. "Oh,
we'll have that one."

They're fucking empty.
No one gave us shit,

because insurance came in.

Fuck that. Anyway,

I'm just saying this
fucking container came in,

and we knew about it,

and we fucking started
spying on this shit,

and see where all the
fucking dope was going.

Well, some of the dope was
going to the local biker gangs,

which were cleaned up
about eight years ago

and now they're fucking back.

I don't fucking
understand that shit.

If a guy's a cocksucker,

and you get him
over the shit nest,

keep him over the
fucking shit nest.

That's all I mean.

Anyway,

We did our best
fucking police work.

I want you to know.
I under-covered for
about two months.

I didn't shave or
anything like that.

I found out 90% of the
hashish that was coming in

in this fucking container

was going to Scotland.

About 5% was going up
to fucking Montreal.

And about 5% was
staying around here,

to the fucking shit weasels.

We had... I got a tip that
two of the Scottish guys,

that were here to fucking tin,

they were in this hotel room
and I could go there and I

could find the papers.
I could find dope.

I could find shipping
stuff. I could find guns.

I could find a lot of money
and it was the fucking tip.

And,

you know,

I never told who gave me
that tip to this fucking day.

And you know what?
You know why I can't?

Fucking can't remember.

Anyway, my partner and
I, fucking police force,

I told Chief, I said to
Chief, "This is going down,"

and he, fucking, you know,
they used to call me...

Nevermind.

I'm won't fucking tell you
what they used to call me.

I used to get them
alerted once in a while

for shit going down.

But somehow, someone in
the fucking department,

it could have been George
cock locking Green himself,

fucking spilled the beans.

(Jim speaking gibberish)

Nevermind.

Anyway, we went there four
o'clock in the morning.

because we were gonna catch
those guys red-handed.

I was fucking scared
shitless, because I know

these Scottish guys, they
were fucking- oh my God-

I never met them but they
had a real fucking reputation

for just going,
"Hi, how you doing?"

(Jim imitates gunshot)

Blowing your fucking nuts off.

The fucking front door was open.

We came in the house,

my partner and I, and it
was fucking pitch black.

And we heard this fucking
music. It was incredible music.

It was quite loud.
It kind of like,

(Jim sings)

that kind of thing.

Like the Bambolero.

So we go up the stairs,

creeping up the fucking
stairs, guns drawn,

and there's music coming
from the fucking room.

And I open the door,

and just about 50 candles
all around all that.

Maybe not that many.

And there was two naked
people on the bed,

the Scottish guys.

And they were in this kind
of numerical position.

And I stood there and I watched
them for the longest time,

and they knew we
were watching them,

and then they just looked over,

like they knew we were
coming all the time.

And that was a fucking moment
that changed my life forever.

Right there as if the
world didn't matter.

Yeah.

And I don't know why, but

that 69, every
time I have a sip,

I think of those beautiful men.

Tune back into Jim
Lahey Liquor Stories,

and I'll tell you
another exciting tale.

(tools clattering)

(Bubbles exhales)

(toaster beeping)

- Un-fucking-believable.

(toaster beeping)

Larry, can you hear me?

- [Larry] What do you need, Bub?

- These toasters I told
you not to get from China.

Every one of them's fucked.

- [Larry] Fuck off.

- Circuit board's not working.

I tested them all.
They're all garbage.

- [Larry] Not my
problem, Bubbles, bye.

- You might as well send
them right the fuck back.

- [Larry] Yup, get
right on that, thereby.

- Fucking bullshit.

For fuck sakes.

Hey Julian, what's going on?

- [Julian] What's
going on, Bubs?

- Just working on these stupid
fucking Chinese toasters.

- Right on, man.

You gotta put down scene one and

whatever you gotta
put on this thing.

- What are they doing here?

- It's SwearNet. It's
the camera crews.

They're gonna be following
us around for a little while.

- In jail?

- Yeah. We're under contract.

They get to come in. I've
been talking to them.

- What do you mean? Ricky's
gonna fucking freak out.

- He doesn't
fucking have choice.

He's gotta fucking do this.

I think it's pretty cool
that the SwearNet people

got a hold of me and wanted
to come in, and you know,

film us and shoot a
little show. You know?

I think people could
seriously learn something

from what goes on in jail.

- What do you want me to do?

- It's scene one.

- Oh, so I'm the fucking
slating guy now, am I?

You don't even get a
fucking break in jail.

Mark it.

Why can't you be
the slating guy?

- Because I've got
a drink in my hand.

All right.

How you doing, you
fuckers? This is Julian.

This is Bubbles. We're in jail.

This show is called
Julian in Jail.

You guys are gonna learn
a lot of shit from us.

- Why is the show
called Julian in Jail?

If I'm on the fucking show,

it's not called Julian in Jail.

- They already cleared it.
They said it was a good name.

We're gonna go with that.

- Well, we need to
have equal billing.

Ever since you guys
with the cameras there

have been putting us
all over the world,

around the world,

it's gone right
to Julian's head.

I mean, I hate to say it,

but he's kind of
being a show off.

Are we getting paid?

- [Julian] We're going to
get paid. I'll get into that.

Let's just talk about
what you're doing

here right now, Bubs.

- You might as well just
call the show fucking,

"Larry Bought a Fucking Load
of Shady Chinese Toasters."

That's what the show
should be called.

Because they got me
working on these things,

trying to fix them to send
them back to the store,

and the fucking, look
at the circuit boards.

Look what I'm working
with. Look at that.

See that transistor?

- [Julian] Yeah?

- See that? Garbage.

- [Julian] How can
you tell it's garbage?

- Because look, if you put
current to it, look, its just...

There's no fucking rhyme or
reason to why that's doing that.

- Alright, what's
happening here,

they got a bunch of toasters
in, they're all defective.

The company gets them
back from the customers.

They go to another company.
They send it to us.

We fix them. They resell them.

- I fixed them. Not we, me.

- We fixed them, I'm
gonna have a part in this.

- I'm the one in here,

fucking 12 hours a day,
working on goddamn toasters.

- It's a shitty place. But,

you know, there is
ways of making it

a lot better for
yourself in here.

And that's what I
want to teach people.

Bubs, what I want you to do
is take these four toasters,

build one massive heating
unit so we can cook something.

Okay?

- What? I can't do that.

- [Julian] Just take the
elements outta these ones,

put it into this one--

- I wrap fucking elements from
four toasters into one unit?

- [Julian] Can it be done?

- Well, obviously it
can be done, but I mean,

what are you trying to cook?

The fucking thing's gonna
be about 300 degrees.

- That's perfect. If you
can get this thing to 325,

it would be absolutely perfect.

What you got to do in jail,

you gotta think
outside of the box.

You don't make a lot of money.

You make like 15,
20 bucks a week.

In shithole places
like this. Workshops.

So you gotta make money
where you can make money.

I've come up an idea

that's gonna make us a
lot of fucking money.

If you can only get this
thing to work with four--

- Oh, I can, don't worry.

I can rig it up.

- [Larry] Bubbles, things like
these have be approved, bud.

- Yeah. No, I'll just,
don't worry about it, Larry.

- No, he's cool.

We're cool down here, Larry.

- [Larry] Right on.

- Alright. So how long do
you think this is gonna take?

- Well, Julian, I mean, it's
a bit of a fucking order here.

I gotta strip the elements
out four toasters now,

you know, drop the
walls on this one,

rewire the fucking things
in, solder it back together.

It's not gonna be a quick job.

- [Julian] What can I
do? I wanna help you.

Want me to take this one apart?

Or what do you want me to do?

- No, just, look, I know
where everything is.

Just hands off. Get me a good
set of pinchers over there.

My good pinchers.

- So the next category
is land scrapes.

There's one I painted on
the podcast, actually.

And it looks fucking fantastic.

Once you paint for a while,

you can actually get this good.

So that's a land scrape.

And then the other type
of painting is heads.

So you wanna take
your paint plate,

and get some smaller fucking
brushes for this shit.

So that can be some nice,
nice flowing hair there.

Looks great, kind of
like Jennifer Atkinson,

or whatever the
fuck her name is.

Then you wanna take
some of your white,

mix that with red.

White and red actually
can make pink.

You'll learn that
pretty quickly.

Nice thing about long
hair is it hides the ears,

Because ears are
fucking hard to paint.

So, pretty much fill
in most of the area,

except for you wanna
put a mouth in there.

Alright. So once you
got the mouth done

then you can fill in the
rest of the fucking face

with some more pink.

Maybe do some fucking eyebrows,

and use a bit darker red to

outline some kind
of a nosy thing.

And then for eyes, I
like to go with blue.

Blue are my favorite
kind of eyes,

I guess cause I have some.

Pretty nice looking
fucking eyes there.

Kind of just beaming at you.

I mean, once you have
a nice head like this,

you could start with, you know,

you can maybe make a
little bit of a body too.

That's arms there.

And then maybe put some...

You don't want to paint clothes,

clothes are fucking
hard to paint.

So you could maybe put

some breasts on there.

Breasts are hard to paint,
especially the shadowing, and

I find the nipples really hard.

That looks pretty good.

So once you have some real
nice looking breasts on there,

like, actually I'm starting
to feel a little funny here.

That looks so real.

So I'm gonna finish a
bit more of this up,

and go have another smoke break,

another couple drinks.

And we're gonna move on to
extreme fucking painting, or

what's it called again?

Ab stacks, where
you stack the paint.

Look at that fucking thing.

She's hot!

Okay. We're backed and we're
really fucking baked now.

I did a bit more painting,

kind of filling in while
I was smoking my canon.

I mean, normally I'd
spend a couple more hours

putting a bit more detail.

I mean, that looks really
realistic and awesome,

but I would normally
put a bit more detail,

a bit of shadowing around
the breasts and teeth,

and you know,

nostrils and maybe some
eyelashes that sort of shit.

But these tools that they
gave me fucking suck.

So we're gonna move on to
extreme fucking painting,

right after I sign this.

Because every painter
should sign his paintings.

That's what you're
supposed to do.

I forgot to sign that
one, but I'll do it later.

So,

like this brush is shitty,

even for signing my
fucking name, but...

Oh, that's pretty close.

Looks pretty good.

- I don't know. Kind of cute.

It's a dog cat.

- [Bubbles] No.
Don't want see it.

- Bubs, look how cute
that little fucker is.

- Why, are you afraid you
might like it more than a cat?

- Huh. Look at
this little fucker.

Look at him.

- [Bubbles] Yeah, he's
fucking, he's like a...

- [Ricky] That is pretty cute.

- You'd kick that little
fucker outta your shed?

- Hm.

- Would ya?

- Don't like him.

- [Ricky] Well, he's fuck of
a lot smarter than a dumb cat.

- He could play
with you and stuff.

- Fucked up, man.

- Ricky, I'd fucking...

I'd put my cats up against
you any day of the week.

- For what? Playing
with each other?

- No, for smart stuff.

If they woke up
next to a person,

they'd know how to get
the fuck out of there

without rooting through
their medicine cabinet,

I'll tell you that.

- A cat can't even
count. Dog can.

- Cats can count to a thousand.

- Alright. Well, I guess
they're smarter than I...

- I've had several cats that
could count to a thousand.

- [Julian] Come on.

That's fucking cute, man.

- [Bubbles] He's fairly cute,

but I'd need to know what
type of fur's on him.

Is he coarse or is he soft?

- No, he looks soft, man.

What do you mean, coarse?

- He could be like
a bristly old brush.

Dirty, old fucking sink brush,

and you don't want to
be having him around.

- I think that I
would like to uh...

- Come on.

- If we're playing favorite
person of the week,

I'd like to nominate
this guy from Louisiana.

- Are we playing favorite person
of the week? I didn't know.

- We could be.

- Okay. Who is it?

- He got pulled over and his
license plate expired in 1997.

(Ricky laughing)

- That's awesome.

- Well.

- He's fucking
amazing. 23 years.

And his excuse was,
"I've been busy."

- See, I don't
disagree with him.

There's been things
I've been meaning to do

for 20 or 25 years that I've
been just too busy to get at.

- Like what?

- Just different things.
Different things.

- So it just shows you, I mean,

how much money would
he have spent in years?

- I've been meaning to
get new pair of boots.

I haven't done that yet.

- Couple hundred bucks
a year. Over 28 years.

That's a lot of money he saved.

- Boys, I gotta use it.

- One or two? Because you're
not doing two-ing in here.

- Do you have piss jug, Ricky,

or should we just shut her down?

- Yeah, I got a piss jug.

Or, just use that thermos.

- Ricky, you that's
your drinking thermos.

- I could wash it.

- I'm not pissing in your--

- Just use it! Go for it.

- I'm not pissing
in your thermos.

- He offered it up.

- I'll just go piss
in the toilet. I just
thought, you know.

- Yeah, you could do that.

- It's rude, man.
Use his thermos.

- Oh boy.

(button rings, theme music)