Original subtitles

- [Narrator] Warning!

The following program contains really course language,

weed, alcohol consumption, smoking, and sexual inferences.

This content may not be suitable for viewers under 18.

To activate parental controls,

please press the go [beep] yourself button

on your remote control.

[bright upbeat music]

- As long as I don't need a fucking degree for this,

I found my job.

- You're calling.

- Here we go.

- Planned research, write romance novels,

additional activities include answering correspondence-

- [Man] Writing romance novels?

- Conducting business transactions,

dialogue with agents or publishers.

- Okay, Rick.

Okay, here's the scene. I'm gonna set up a scene for you.

You're with a chick, right?

This is in the romance novel that you're gonna write.

- Yeah.

- And you're gonna make out where you're in the car.

So let's just you describe to me

what you're gonna do in a romantic way.

- Did she start it or do I start it?

- Well, you gotta tell us. - You gotta tell us.

- You gotta tell us, man.

- Lay out the most romantic scene.

- You could be at a drive in theater or whatever.

- Where would you set it?

- nWhere would it take place?

- And is there an armrest or is it a bench seat?

- Whatever you want.

- Whatever you want, man.

This is your romance novel.

- I think bench seat.

- Okay.

- Okay, this is good.

This is gonna be great.

- Bench seat in a car?

- Yeah.

- With leftover Chinese food, I guess maybe.

- All right, put us there, man.

Describe what's going on.

- Ricky's eating the food and feeling good.

Just when he thinks nothing's gonna happen,

he's gonna go home alone again.

She reaches over, puts her hand on his thigh.

- Okay.

- And then what, and then what?

Keep it going, man.

- I'm there, I'm all in there.

- I'm in the car, then watching this movie.

- Then Ricky got a blistering erection.

- Blistering.

- I don't know, I have to think about the words

so that it's more romantic.

- Okay, keep it going. - I can do this though.

- No, no, no, keep it going.

- Keep it going, Ricky.

A blistering erection,

describes that part very well.

- Do you think you'd say erection or boner?

- Erection is more romantic.

- There was a sudden rush of blood to his penis.

- Okay, no, that's good.

- No it's good, Ricky.

- Sounds really romantic.

Okay, what else? - Romantic and scientific.

- What else happened?

Then what did you do?

- Realizing that he had no protection with him,

Ricky tried to cool things down a little bit.

[all laughing] - What did he do, man?

[all laughing]

- He ate another chicken ball.

He tried to ignore the advance.

- This is good, man.

[all laughing]

- Okay, so?

- And what happened next after that?

- Then what happened?

I'm getting into this movie.

This movie is great.

- Go for round two to try again, or?

- She moved her grip up his leg.

[all laughing]

All right, maybe I should find another job.

- I think you're actually quite good.

- I could read this and picture the story.

- I'm picturing Fabio in there already.

- Look who's picturing Fabio.

You're not picturing like, you know,

Charlize Theron or something you're picturing Fabio.

- I'm picturing Fabio wanting to be in the book.

- Sean Penn or somebody like that maybe.

- Oh, look who's picturing Sean Penn.

- No, I'm saying you'd be picturing Sean Penn.

- There's another one here called

erotic screenwriter.

- Okay.

- Okay, well, yeah, you're good man.

- Write scripts heavy in nudity and sex.

- That's basically writing pornos.

- Oh fuck, you only get like $4000 to $12000 per script?

That's a lot!

- That's some good cash.

- You could bang out a script a day, couldn't you?

You'd be writing pornos, Ricky.

Who watches more porno than you?

So that scene that you were just describing

in the romance novel.

Now rewrite that scene as a porno.

- Yeah.

- And watch how much easier it is.

- Can you give him like some little porno music?

- See what he can do, 'cause he's really good.

- No, I wanna hear the exact same scene.

You're in the car, some leftover Chinese food.

Then what happens?

- They can't control their hunger anymore.

Even as they're still finishing their chicken balls,

they start the kiss with chicken ball

going back and forth inside their mouths.

[all laughing]

- Okay, all right.

- Yes, see, I've never seen that in anything.

- Are you naked at this point, or?

- No, that quickly happens.

- Okay.

- So now you're naked.

- Clothes are ripped off,

before the chicken balls are even finished.

- Where's the chicken ball at now, Ricky?

Is it getting passed into other places?

- It's just fucking falling out

and it's just going everywhere and no one cares.

- Why aren't you chewing the chicken ball?

Why are you just passing it around so much?

[all laughing]

- It's more about the sauce.

- Okay, the sauce. Okay, what's going on with the sauce?

- Sweet and sour sauce is just everywhere.

- Remember that movie-

- It's getting licked off and brushed on

and licked off again.

- "Nine and a Half Week Style."

Do you guys remember that one?

- Yeah.

Is anything getting dipped in the sauce?

In the big bucket of sweet sour sauce?

- What would be a dipped there?

- Your wiener.

- Oh fuck, that's-

I never thought of trying something like that.

- Well, maybe I'm co-writing this with you.

- Okay.

- Awesome boys.

- Okay, so all of a sudden this weiner goes in the

sweet and sour sauce.

Now what happens, Ricky?

- She's gotta find a way to clean it off.

- How is she gonna do that?

- I would think with her mouth.

- Yeah, I get it.

- Yep, okay, porno.

- Guys, thanks for coming to SSP, safe sexual practices,

very near and dear to my heart.

Do you know why?

I'm gonna tell you why.

Because very unfortunately, when you guys leave here,

you have a very high chance of either contracting an STD

or getting some man or woman pregnant, right?

When I was a young fellow,

we used to party our butts off all the time drinking.

We were up all night.

There was all kind of relations with all kinds of peoples.

And there was no protection being used.

If I could take the time back, I would've protected myself.

It wasn't talked about back then.

Now our job here is to rehabilitate

these men in this institution

and they've gotta be prepared for the real world

that's dangerous out there.

Now I'm just gonna do a little demonstration

here on this banana.

This is called a condom or a rubber.

I don't know if you've ever seen one of these, but

you just gotta slide it on, I'll show you how.

You just gotta get a good grip your pecker,

and you put it on the top like this, you see?

You squeeze the air out of it and you'll roll it down.

Just nice and slow.

I don't enjoy it one bit, it's part of my job.

And it's a dirty aspect of the job

that someone's gotta do, but I'll tell you,

I do it with pride and passion.

You don't wanna rush this, right?

Get it done right.

You know, you count the washroom stalls and the malls.

You talk, the campgrounds, you talk about all the places

I met some beautiful people and you know,

you can't help it when you're young.

It's the passion inside of you.

And I just had many encounters, anonymous encounters,

which I wish I could take back.

But that's what happens when you're young

and full of piss and vinegar, you're going for it.

Ah, anyway, see.

Damn it!

These bananas never work.

Okay, let me think here.

We're all buddies here.

So I'm gonna share a little something with you

just between us, all right?

I haven't had anything that I couldn't get rid of

with a little bit of help from my doctor and some meds.

Clear everything up, nothing too serious,

but we've all had that happen to us

like three or four, probably minor issues.

I'm gonna show you how this really gets done.

And it's only gonna take a sec,

it'll be much more effective.

I think everyone's familiar with crabs and chlamydia,

things like that sort of minor,

but then there's some major things I've encountered,

you know, syphilis, gonorrhea, all sorts of itchy things

that drive you a half outta your mind,

itching and dripping all the time, I don't like that.

You really get the idea of it.

We're always naked in here.

There's gang showers.

There's everyone's, it's like a sausage factory.

That's the first thing.

So it's no big deal to them that if I have to,

get myself standing straight up

and put one of those things on,

they see it all the time and it's just,

just like in war with the military,

you get as close to the real thing as you can.

And anything else, it just doesn't cut it.

Okay, now hold on.

So you get your knob in your hand

and we're gonna try again now,

but when I put the condom on properly,

it's gonna slide down just like a slug on a wet leaf.

Yeah, look at that.

- [Man] Yeah, that's nice.

- It's gotta be used every time, all the time, to be safe,

to keep your diseases to yourself,

which is what I always say.

You don't need to spread 'em if you got 'em

you gotta keep 'em away from other people

and not tell anyone.

And it just goes all the way down.

Now, come on up.

And if you guys wanna have a look or if you wanna...

Here, anyone wanna come up and give it a try?

And you'll really get a good grip on it.

Come on, come on.

Here we go, all right.

That's it, take your time.

We don't have to rush.

You know, I think today was a huge success.

The guys, all it was a hands on experience

and it was a little surprised at just how quick

they were to jump into the fray.

But there was a lot of excitement and energy and

everyone got involved and was helping each other out.

I saw men who are normally at each other's throats,

giving each other a helping hand,

which I really, really liked.

- Okay, you do a little crack Mr. Lahey, and you go close.

- Yeah.

- Close to the grill., you open it up.

It comes out in the pool.

- Beautiful, Randy.

- That's how you cook the egg bird.

- I like those eggs.

- That's was great.

Okay now, here, Mr. Lahey here.

- Oh, my God.

- The secret to a good cooking show

is having clean grilling surface.

[Lahey laughing]

- Don't touch my...

So that's symbolic.

I fucking see him right in there.

Look he's smile at me, Randy.

- This bun's done, Mr. Lahey.

- This buns done.

- We just put that one in there.

You put that on the side right there.

While that's going, you grab another bun like this.

Take it, you put it down.

You pop it down.

You don't need to do it.

[Mr. Lahey mumbles]

Look cheese is melting.

We got to turn the heat up just like that.

Okay now, what you can do, now that the bacon is heated.

You can take it and put it on top of the cheese, everybody.

- Where the fuck else would you put it?

- Well, Mr. Lahey, some people put it right on the egg.

- Oh!

- So you just put it right there.

- Great.

That's the European way. - So now you've got cheese...

Ow, shit, what did you do?

- It's hot, it's hot, Mr. Lahey.

- I love your chickens.

- Okay, and while the eggs are still,

you gotta let the eggs cook a little bit

and then you get your condiments.

So we got a tomato here.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - This is the food group.

- Move it along here.

- Mr. Lahey this is my show.

[indistinct yelling]

- We got big fucking show, ladies and gentlemen.

- Well maybe if you didn't start until

I freaking got here for freaks sake.

This is a great, so you get nice tomato slices, like that.

- Yes, you're good.

- And we got some lettuce

because this is the roughage.

Everyone needs a little bit of vegetables in their lives.

I like more-

- That's limp.

You gotta get the nice, like the good pieces.

- That's perfect.

- I covered one of these for Halloween.

- So little taste test.

Yep, it's good.

- This lettuce compared to that other lettuce,

that Romaine or whatever it's called.

This is no [indistinct muttering].

- They grow this on icebergs, Mr. Lahey.

- Right, you can push stuff on like

colorful salad oils, Randy.

- Okay, this is the very important part.

- Yeah.

- Flipping the eggs, they're very difficult.

Now, that's your egg, Mr. Lahey.

Your egg is fucked.

- Mine's nicer than yours.

- No, because you're supposed to do-

- Mine has fucking character.

That looks like a fucking egg anybody can make.

Any fucking diner for 2.99 breakfast,

but that fucking egg, that's art.

- All right, Mr. Lahey,

you're getting this burnt piece of toast.

- Hey, we have to save one for our guests.

- Well, we're gonna make one.

Our last buns are going in the toaster, right there.

- I'm gonna leave Randy at his cooking show.

- No, you don't leave me.

- Oh yeah, I gotta move on for this show.

Randy, we got a lot to cover today, bud.

- Mr. Lahey, we're almost done.

- Okay, okay.

- Okay?

Please, well, you go ahead.

If you need more, I'll continue cooking over here,

but I want be able to-

- Do you want to say something to the fans?

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, that's overkill, Randy.

You don't have- - Extra piece of extra piece.

- Fucking chicken bacon, I think chicken bacon

sounds like a fucking oxymoron, Randy.

Chickens, you know, if you take a pile of feed

and you put it like Randy, like this, [indistinct].

[Lahey laughing]

- You're a six outta 10, Mr. Lahey.

For sure, for sure.

Okay, here it is.

This is it Mr. Lahey, I've got your burger ready.

- Oh, I love it, Randy.

- I got it, you got...

This is gonna be a great breakfast.

- Everyday.

- To start your day is the way that everyone should roll.

Now, this is a very important part, Mr. Lahey,

I gotta show them.

This here bun,

well, normally if you got cheese on your burger,

you gotta flip the bun upside down.

- Yeah.

- And then you put that top part on there

so it doesn't stick.

And then you can put your ketchup and mustard

and stuff on there, Mr. Lahey.

- Okay, I've invented a new appetizer.

I like to experiment with them.

These are peanuts and lettuce.

Now if you have a little shot of something

to put on the peanuts and lettuce.

Randy, this is gonna be fucking crazy.

- Mr. Lahey, don't go.

You're gonna ruin your dinner.

- Oh shit I got some burning going on, Mr. Lahey.

[Lahey laughing]

Don't let it burn everybody.

We'll give this one to our guest,

our guest gets that one.

I'm getting the good one, frig him.

- Ricky Brown is here feeling better than ever.

Sorry about that previous ranting folks,

Duteronomy 23:1,

No one whose testicles may have been crushed

or whose penis has been cut off,

may be admitted into the community of the lord.

That's right.

He, that is wounded in the stones

or hath his privy member cutoff

shall not enter into the membership of the lord.

Ladies and gentlemen,

y'all need to have big nuts to carry the word.

Don't be afraid to hang your nuts out.

Don't be afraid to swing your dick out.

That's what the lord wants from you.

Ricky Brown slap a mother fucker in the face with a dick,

he don't care.

Listen.

Have balls, people.

The lord's work is not for cowards.

The lord's work is not for a bunch of pansies.

Wear your tap out shirts,

wear whatever the fuck you want,

but bring your nuts in your hands, y'all.

That's what Ricky Brown wants all of you to do.

Even the women.

If you ain't got any balls,

put someone else balls in your hand, maybe even mine.

'Cause that's what we do here.

We do what we do with bravery in the lord.

Ricky Brown has been criticized.

Criticized for doing the things

that he has to do that no one else will do.

Yes, Ricky Brown takes money from others,

sometimes without asking.

But the lord tells Ricky what to do and Ricky will listen.

Ricky, doesn't matter if people gonna stone him to death.

Ricky, don't matter if people gonna yell names at him,

because Ricky has the lord and a set of large nuts.

Ricky will do whatever it takes to work with the lord.

Ricky drinks for the lord.

Ricky led for the lord,

Ricky Brown eats for the lord.

Ricky Brown fucks for the lord.

Ladies, if you're listening,

Ricky Brown yells at people for the lord,

Ricky Brown even goes to prison for the lord.

Ricky Brown passes out for the lord.

Even if the lord gave him a condition,

he ain't particularly pleased with.

[church organ music]

Large nuts, large penises,

membership to the lord.

Now that being said, this is not to say,

if you do have testicular cancer

and your nuts had to get cut off,

we will pray for you, just don't come into church

'cause the Bible says you can't.

Let's hang our heads in prayer.

Lord, give us the strength,

that as our nuts swell,

as our nuts grow like hot air balloons on our sacs

as we carry the word and get strong every day,

that the millions of little Ricky Browns

or whoever else you carrying inside of you,

carry that word right with you.

Ready to impregnate the entire world with your,

your, your, your strengths, your love,

your, your, your, your...

Fill the blank on that one.

And what Ricky Brown plans,

for what Ricky Brown will do for you

is Ricky Brown will impregnate the word,

especially like this Bible here, getting impregnated

and Ricky Brown going to push out and push out

and boom, Ricky Brown's little baby Bible,

born of the Bible.

That you could get from Ricky Brown's website,

rickybrown.com or swearthat.com.

Ricky Brown's Bible

is an easy way to carry it in your pocket.

All proceeds go to testicular cancer.

And Ricky Browns church of Lipman.

It's a notebook, but technically it's a Bible

because you write your own shit in it.

And a lot of the things

that I wanted to put in it was copyrighted.

Thank you very much.

Ricky Brown's, little baby Bible.

- The last execution by hanging in the U.S

was on January 25th, 1996.

- What?

- 1996.

- They hung a bastard in '96.

- Fuck.

- Where at?

- Was it televised?

- The last execution by hanging in the U.S

was January 25th, 96.

Doesn't say where.

Let's take a guess.

I'm saying Texas or Florida.

- Yeah, I was gonna say Florida.

- Where would they hang a bastard in the 90?

- Bangor, Maine.

- Really?

- No, man. I'm just shitting ya, I don't fucking know.

- Where was Clinton from?

- Who?

- Arkansas.

- Where all those other crazy fucks?

Now I can't say their name or I'll get in trouble.

Nevermind.

- You're not gonna get in trouble, Ricky.

- Where the fuck was it?

- Where the fuck was what?

- I thought you were looking up where he was hanged.

- No, no, no, I'm looking at something else here.

This is really fucking crazy.

There's a woman that fucking paints with her boobs.

Ha, she's making tons of cash

selling the fucking things.

It's pretty cool.

Wow, that's probably one of his paintings.

- That's pretty good.

- Just to see if people would buy-

- Would you just Google where the fucking guy

was hanged in the 90s?

- For fucks sake.

- Fuck man, a lot of people are wondering.

- Where was the last hanging in the United States?

Like legal hang.

There's probably other people have been hung, you know?

- Okay man, just a sec.

- January 25th, 1996.

- Okay, I got it, I got it.

No man.

May 1st, 2001.

- What?

- So OMG is wrong.

- What happened in 2001?

- Okay, just a second here.

Just a second, I'm fucking trying to figure...

There's all kinds of shit you gotta go through, man.

- Shouldn't be.

Should be one little thing.

Just Google it.

Just put in January 25th, 1996 hanging.

Type that into your thing.

- Billy Bailey.

- I'm not asking who it was.

Where?

- It was Billy Bailey man.

January 25th, 1996.

- Where?

- Delaware, mother fucker!

- Delaware?

- Wow.

- Isn't that where they signed the fucking,

what do they got down there, a constitution?

- Delaware.

- And he got to choose either that or lethal injection.

- And he picked hanging?

- He said, "Fuck that, hang me, mother fuckers."

- I think I would've went with-

- I guess if he has a choice, whatever.

What were the other choices?

- Lethal injection.

- I've heard that could go wrong.

The chair can fuck you pretty bad.

- Oh, if you watch "The Green Mile," it could.

Remember that?

- Yeah, that was fucked.

- They didn't put the sponge in, the wet sponge.

And he burst into flames.

- Fuck, that would suck.

- That would suck.

- That happens though, doesn't it?

- That shit?

- That's in the movies.

- Do a hanging...

Does it kill you quicker, Lee?

- Well, it snaps your neck, like a twig.

- But is he dead then?

- I would think your brain would still

be functioning though, for a little while.

You'd be hanging there thinking fuck!

- Like what is it, like 14 seconds?

You're like walking around like, holy fuck.

- Holy fuck, I'm dead!

- I am fucked.

- Really, 14 Seconds after the little neck break?

- I dunno.

- What if you had a super strong neck?

- Let's say, when they just cut your head off,

that's when you'd be looking around going, hey.

- Does it break your neck or does it strangle you?

- Both.

- Both man.

I don't think it breaks your neck every time

because some people would-

- Well it's supposed to.

- Some people would like try to like fucking-

- Flex your neck muscles.

And it just fucking probably bend the rope.

- The rope bends.

That's what a rope does Ricky, it bends.

- You just see a big path of rope

and then Julian lands on his feet.

"I'm free!"

[calm music] [birds chirping]

[indistinct chatter]