All language subtitles for Trailer.Park.Boys.The.SwearNet.Show.Series.S03E02.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-NPMS_track3_[eng]

- [Announcer] Warning.

The following program contains
really coarse language, weed,

alcohol consumption, smoking
and sexual inferelences.

This content may not be
suitable for viewers under 18.

To activate parental controls,

please press the big go
[beep] yourself button

on your remote control.

[gentle music]

- No, you cannot fucking
turn off a man's cable

in the middle of the
fucking playoffs.

No, I get that.

I'll-

- Come on Bubs.
- Listen, bud.

I need to see the game tonight,
okay?

I will fucking come down
there tomorrow,

myself and pay you some
fucking money.

You gotta turn it back
on for tonight though.

If I miss the game tonight,
I'm canceling my fucking cable.

I don't give a fuck.

Turn it back on, just
for tonight.

I'll fucking, you know what?

Fuck yourself.

I'll go watch the fucking
game at the bar.

You cock sucker.

- What happened, Ricky?

- Jesus he's gonna turn
my fucking cable off

in the middle of the playoffs.

- Well, you don't
pay your bills.

- You gotta pay the
fucking bill, man.

- How many months overdue is it?

- It's been fucking time boys.

Been waiting for ya.

- Look at this, Ricky.

- What the fuck is that?

- Look at this.

I told I was getting
you a microwave.

- No.

- And I got you a
fucking microwave.

- Nice.

- He picked it out but you know,

we kind of brought it
here together.

- It looks pretty old.

- What do you mean we
brought it here together?

- Brought it here together.

- I picked it out and
I carried it.

- It's got stains and
shit all over it.

- It's used, but it's nice,
Ricky.

It works.
- You know what?

That's a fucking nice gift,
buddy, thanks.

- Thanks.
- You're welcome, man.

- You're gonna have to fucking
teach me all the codes.

- It's easy to use.

- Jesus Christ.
- Jesus, Ricky.

You're, fucking.

- It's not me.
- Here, Ricky.

Plug her in.

Plug her in.

I got it at Value Village.

Six bucks.

- Are you serious?

Oh, she sounds like
she might work.

- Yep. Oh, she works.

Six bucks.

There you go.

Microwave oven.

- Fits in there nice.

- Well that's where
microwaves go.

That's why there's a plug there.

It's built for a microwave.

- Fuck.

I don't even remember the codes.

I remember the code for
popcorn was code 211.

I think.

- What are you talking about,
codes?

- The codes you fucking
punch in to get

everything cooked rightly.

- It's not code, Ricky.

[coughing]

Popcorn's 230.

That's two minutes
and 30 seconds.

- Do I need to clean it?

[screams]

Jesus Christ.

- Christ, Ricky.

Ricky.

- What the fuck is that?
- Ricky, the fuck is wrong

with you, man.

It's not real.

- Jesus Christ that
scared the fuck out of me.

- Bubs.

- You fucking asshole.
[laughing]

- Didn't think it would
scare you that bad.

- Jesus Christ.

- It's rubber, man.

- It's rubber.

- What is this? A squint?

- It's a what?

- Squint.

- Squint.

- Ricky, I'm too
baked to be doing

this with you right now.

- Man, I broke my fucking
good backer scratching.

- Holy fuck.

That was amazing.

- That was pretty fucked.

Here, bud.

- I didn't think he would get-

- Hot dogs and some buns,
bought those for you.

- Right on boys.

- I got those for you.

- We're gonna have a feast.

- I got those.
- I carried them.

- But I paid for them.

- Who carried them?

- Okay, Julian carried
the hot dogs.

- Jesus, Bubs.

- Wow, you really need a,
here let

me see this for one second.

Give him a pat on the back with
it cause he really needs it.

There, wow.
- Funny Bubs.

- All right, let's get

this shit going boy.
- Fuck, that scared me.

- I just wanna talk about
this codes thing, Ricky.

You know that when you put
microwave popcorn in and you go

two, three, oh, it just means
two minutes and 30 seconds.

It's not a code.

- What do you mean?

- It's just a timer.

- It's a timer.
- It's a countdown timer.

That's how a microwave works.

- No, no.

There's like different
levels and...

- Well yeah but you
just put it on,

the numbers are just times,
Ricky.

When you put in a roll and
you put it on 12 seconds.

Did you think a roll was
code one, two?

- Here, look, look, watch.

[beeps]
One minute.

See 59, 58, 57, 56.

- Okay.
- It's a timer.

- You can't run a microwave
with nothing in it.

That's how you fuck them up.

- I know but see when it says,
I didn't...

It says a hundred and then
it would go to 59 that's.

So I thought code 100 was
actually like 59 seconds.

- It's one minute Ricky, 58, 59,

one minute, 60 seconds.

- Now I'm feeling
pretty fucking dumb.

- It's all right.

It's just not a big deal.

- Just don't try to
like stuff a big turkey

in there and try to cook it.

- To you guys hungry, I
got some fucking

mac and cheese.

- Mac and cheese?

- And I got some
beautiful chicken fingers.

The good kind.

Oh yeah.

- Oh yeah.

Little, well done.
- Not bad.

It's not bad.

How come you only cooked three?

- I made mac and cheese
because that's all I had left.

Don't be greedy, Bubs.

- I'm not.

- You can have mine.

- I'm not even gonna have one.

I was just wondering
why it's an odd number.

He usually cooks, you know, 12.

- You guys like lots of butter
with your mac and cheese.

I know I do.

- You should start a
health show, Ricky.

A cooking healthy show.

- Butter's healthy,
it's all natural.

- Just add a stick of
butter to one

pot Kraft Dinner.

Whole stick.

[giggling]

I know what I'm having.

I know what I'm having.

- [Ricky] What else do I need?

I need some milk.

- I'm gonna have my vodka,
Ricky.

- Ricky, you cooked the fucking

noodles way too long, man.

- No, man, this is good.

- I thought that was
mashed potatoes.

- Well, you guys were...

you guys took too fucking
long to get here, didn't yous?

- [Bubbles] Well, I was
out shopping for a fucking

microwave if you didn't notice.

- I appreciate that too, Bubs.

- I got your microwave.

Bubbles knows how to deliver.

- All right, let's get
this fucking thing going,

whatever it is.

- [Bubbles] Ricky there's
too much butter in here, bud.

- No, no.

You can never have
too much butter.

Then it'll make it too runny.

- You can, you can have
too much butter.

- Fuck off, man.

You're making butter
noodles go everywhere.

- See the problem is,
you only got one

little package of that
fucking cheese stuff, right?

That's just gonna
taste like shit.

- That's still hot.

Got some sauce right here.

- Some sauce?
- What was the?

Ricky you know the hash
you left in my shed?

- The hat?

- The hash.

- Yes.

- It was only this much.

It was a tiny joint, but we
smoked it and I am fucked.

- I'm a little
cook-a-roonied myself.

It was the Cashmere.

- Mhmm.

It's different than regular.

- Yeah that stuff is.
- That's for sure.

- That stuff is a little crazy,
bud.

- It's good, isn't it?
- It's something else.

- [Julian] It's depends
on what you're doing.

- [Bubbles] It's very giggly.

Giggly wiggly.

- I guess this is making
this is a lot more fun, huh?

- All right, let's fucking...

Ah fuck.

We're just gonna have
to pass the spoon around

if that's all right.

- Right.

What do you mean,
"Pass it around?"

- We'll have different
ones for each person.

How about that?

I just don't wanna have a
lot of dishes to do cause I,

I gotta sleep after this.

- Pass the pot around?

- Everybody grab a fork.

- Mix that fucking shit up man.

- I'm fucking getting to that,
aren't I.

- You gotta mix it.

- I can use my fork for that,
I guess.

- Did you put milk into it?

- No, not yet.

I wanna just get it,

just get it doing its
thing first.

- Do you think
eventually we'll be able

to use comets like taxis
where we could just latch

onto one and then, you know,

use it to get somewhere
and then hop off?

- Maybe we could use it as fuel.

- [Bubbles] Yeah, that's
what I mean like use.

- It's kind of like
methane and methanol.

Maybe we could use it as fuel.

It's pretty cool.

- That would be amazing.

- We do that, we can name
it after you bubbles.

- Oh, if I ever.

- The Bubbles Transfer Orbit.

- That would be, ah, you
heard it here.

Right there I mean.

He's the guy that could
make that happen.

He'd make one phone call and
I got a comet named after me.

[giggling]

Yep.

That's probably, I don't know
if you should touch that.

I actually rigged up an
ejection seat.

[laughing]

You don't wanna blast yourself
into the girders there.

You know, this was
built outside.

I wasn't expecting to be inside,

so I don't wanna blast
you into the ceiling.

- We build most of our
spaceships outside.

- Yeah, It's the best
place to build.

[laughing]

You know, 'cause it's...

Well that's all.

I just want to thank
you so much for,

for coming and playing
space with me today.

This was probably one of
the best days of my life.

And now I can, you know,

I can show Ricky this
and maybe he can,

maybe you could just
gimme a couple more lines

that I could teach Ricky.
- You wanna get ready to land?

- Yes.

Yes, walk me through the
landing sequence.

- So we're coming to the
heading alignment circle, right?

And the commander's flying

the vehicle during the
heading alignment circle,

but he's gonna give it to
the pilot for a minute.

So I'm flying it, I'm watching.

We're all on glides
slope and we're following

the left right guidance.

And I'm saying you
ready to take it?

And you say, I'm
ready to take it.

- Ready to take it.
- You got it.

Okay. Follow the heading
alignment cone.

You got the stuff in your
heads up display

that you're chasing.
- Yep.

- Okay and now we're gonna
pick up the glide slope.

So you're ready to start down.

- All right.
- Down 30 degrees.

Start tipping it down.

Pick up the glide slope,
that's fine.

You're coming down and
now you're watching,

the little cursors are coming
up and they're coming up

in your heads up
display like this.

And as soon as they come
in for you, start pulling

back on the stick, start
bringing the nose up,

start a flare about a
kilometer above the ground.

You got the flare coming.

Not too much.

Nice and smooth.

300 feet you call for
the landing gear.

- Landing gear.
- Okay.

Down goes the landing gear.

That's good.

We got one, two, three,
no barber pulls.

That's good, okay.

Ease it off and now
just hold it.

Hold on. I'm gonna call
speeds for you.

We got 230, we got 225.

You wanna touchdown at
205 cause we're heavy.

225, 220, 215, 210, 205.

- Ah.

- Perfect.

Now, easy. Nose down.

You gotta push forward.
Let the nose down.

Nose down. Nose down.

Okay. Gentle.

You're gonna deploy
the drag shoot.

That's up here with two buttons.

Like that.

We got the drag shoot out.

We're rolling down the runway.

Gentle, little bit of breaks.

Starting at a hundred knots.

Little bit of brake
with the toes.

Little bit of brake,
little bit of brake.

60 knots.

Ease off. Okay.

And now we got to jet
us in the drag shoot.

Third button.

[whoosh]
There we go.

Drag shoots off, good
sound effect.

And now we're gonna
roll to a stop.

Wanna be right on the
center line.

They're gonna take all
the pictures.

And ready.

And now you say wheel stop,
Houston.

- Wheel stop, Houston.

- Outstanding. Nice work.

- Oh my God.

I just landed the space shuttle
with Commander Hatfield.

[giggling]

- It is a little bitter.

This is bunny honey.

And this is Miss Piggy.

[laughing]

and this is Daffy the duck.

And this is a Porky the pig.

Oh, what, what, what up,
what up doc?

Whatever that fucking thing is.

Anyway, where was I?

I don't know where I was.
[sighs]

Every time I have a
drink of a home and deem,

my mind goes back many,
many years.

Way back to 1978.

That's when they first
bottled this stuff.

I remember the bottles that
I remember, was Elmer Fudd.

What up doc?

No that's Bugs Bunny.

Bugs Bunny too.

And they had Sylvester the cat,
you know,

fucking trying to grab
Tweety all the time.

And then they had Wile E.
Coyote,

the stupidest fucking coyote.

Then [whistling].

You should have just
fucking [mumbles].

Anyway, I get a really.

When I was first married,
just after that,

when Trina was born,

she's just a little baby

little baby baby.

And about the same time that
she was going, [giggling]

'cause she had fucking
garlic ecology.

My wife,

I got a job as undercover,
undercover cop.

And I was, what I was
doing and I was hot too.

I was investigating a
bootlegging ring.

These guys are real bad asses.

And I grew a little beard
and was fucking really cool.

And I got in great shape.

In myself was the whole
cock sucking bunch of them.

And I was fucking,

I was on top of my game,

but I started having
trouble at home

because Barb was saying,
"You can't stay out

till four o'clock in
the morning and expect

to have a marriage and
all that shit."

And I used to stay up.

I hardly slept at all.

I was sleep depravity
is one of the most...

you can't fucking think
if you don't have sleeps.

I used to stay up and I
used to feed little Trina

over a little bottle and then

sometimes I'd take one of
the bottles and I'd take the,

fucking wasted [mumbles]

and I'd take off the nipple,

And I just put some little
liquor in it and Barb caught me.

She hit the fucking roof.

I was passed and wasted.

I went down to the Tavern
where the boys were hanging out

and I walked in there with
my fucking 12 gauge shotgun.

They didn't know what
the fuck was coming on.

And I had a bat and I
told them they were

all fucking under arrest.

And I batted the shit out
of every fucking

bottle in the place,

glass flying everywhere.

And then they came across these
beautiful little figurines.

Don't spill little honey.

And I thought of Trina and
I thought of my marriage.

And I was, you know, sometimes
when you get a little bit,

you know, you get a little
emotional when you are,

when you're drinking sometimes.

And it stopped me
dead in my tracks

and I couldn't smash
the figurines.

So I put it in my pocket.

And when I'm putting
them in my pocket,

fucking Big Ed, cock suck,
comes up, fucking whacks me

and knocks me out.

The next thing I know, I'm in
a fucking garbage dumpster.

So I still have my figurines.

So I polished them all off.

And I turned myself in
at the police station.

I was fucked.

I mean, truly fucked.

We weren't supposed to bust
those guys for another month.

They demoted me.

[chuckles]

I was on ticket patrol from
nine o'clock in the morning

to five o'clock at night.

Come rain or shine. [mumbles]

But I know there's an not
bad thing really

because it saved my marriage.

[chuckles]

I guess, for every cloud
there's a silver lining.

No doubt about it.

- The first weapon of
choice on extreme painting

is a potato gun.

Modified a little bit.

You wanna take some
fucking domes or condoms,

Fill them with some
paint like this.

You wanna ram them down inside.

This one's already ready to go.

Pretty fucking cool.

So that one's outta the way.

Take this guy here.

Shake the fucking
thing down there.

[air hisses]

All right, so that's
your potato guns.

Then you can take like a
sling shot here

and get some cotton balls
full of paint.

Just start fucking blasting.

Also you can use your
little watery things.

Fuck.

I kind of fucked up a bit.

That's kind of cool.

Fuck off.

[whistling]

That doesn't work very
fucking well.

Turkey basters are good though.

Fucking Jesus.

Then you can just do that.

You can just dip
stuff in and just

start fucking throwing it.

It's pretty fucking cool.

And the great thing about
abstracts is you

can't fuck them up.

That's why I like them so much
and they're a bit violent,

which is fucking cool.

So we're gonna do some
more potato gun.

Get the fuck in there.

[blowing]

Do a bit of green in
the other one.

Get the fuck in there.

Fuck.

Fucking still painting
this fucking thing.

So throw a bit of that on there.

[clicking]

Fuck.

Fuck.

Try this one I guess.

Well that was pretty fucked.

All right, my potato guns
are fucking up.

So just fucking go back
to some of this shit.

That's pretty fucking cool.

Ah.

Paint is also very
fucking slippery.

You need to be
careful with that.

You can slip on it.

Fuck's sakes.

[sighs]

[laughing] Fuck.

- First question's from,
what the fuck is this?

Wioux?

W, I, O, U, X is that woo?

Like Sioux Falls kind of thing.

Wioux?

It's a pretty fucked up handle.

"Us fans take your
advice to heart."

Nice.

"I know you say take
it or leave it,

but you have a show to
do about giving advice.

So without going into too much,

tell us about yourself
specifically
things that will help us

to understand where your
advice comes from within.

Why should we take your
advice over that?

Say of a person with a degree
in criminal science who

pretends to know people
of your lifestyle?"

All right, number one, you take
my advice because it's free.

Well, you know,

you gotta pay whatever
you pay Swearnet

to get your
subscription or whatever,

but it's basically free.

So that's number one, reason.

Number two.

I mean, I've spent like,

I'm gonna be straight
with you guys.

I don't do this 'cause I
love doing it.

I do it because I'm
getting paid to do it.

I sit here, Swearnet
puts this in front of me,

They mix me up a drink and I
answer a bunch of questions.

I get paid 25 bucks.

Today I'll do like maybe
three segments.

So that's like 75 bucks.

That's why I'm doing it.

Okay.

So why should you
take my advice?

I'm a survivor.

I mean, I've had no parents
my entire life, well up until,

until the age of six or seven
and I've done pretty good in

my life, you know?

I've also spent a lot of time
in jail and in jail, I've read

a shit ton of books
in psychology.

Okay? So.

Maybe my advice is a little
bit fucked up, but you know?

I'm taking it from the
heart, like you just said,

there's from within.

I'm giving you what I would do

if I was put in your situation.

So I'm gonna be
straight up with you.

- You know, we had an
official phone number.

I did not.

- I do know this.

- What?

Official phone number?

- There's a phone
number for Canada.

- 1-800 O Canada.

- Ah, fuck I knew that.

- Can we call it?

- Yes.

- Bubs, who named the earth,
Earth?

- That's a tough one.

- Um.

- Johnny Earth.

- Who named the earth Earth?

- Don't hurt your brain too much

because there's a
catch to this one.

- It's probably God.

- They don't know.

- They don't fucking know.

- They don't know, I
remember that.

It was probably somebody in
Ancient Greece, I'm guessing.

- It's just some dude
probably drunk.

- Ah.

Here, just wait Ricky.

1-800 O Canada?

- You got it.

- 1-800.

O, H, C, A, N.
- Oh that actually is...

That's the right
number of numbers.

- This for real?

- Oh, is it just the
letter O or O H?

- No, just one O.

- O, C, A, N, A, D, A.

Call.

- Put on speakerphone, man.

I wonder if we're
gonna get Trudeau.

- [Operator] Thank you for
calling 1-800 O Canada.

[speaks in foreign language]

- So it's real.

- [Operator] To continue
in English, press one.

- Oh, we're continuing.

[operator speaks in
foreign language]

- Whoops. Uh oh.

Fucked it up.

- To continue in English,
press one.

Please note that this call
may be recorded for quality

assurance and training purposes.

- Awesome.

[operator speaks in
foreign language]

- Why do people call this
fucking number?

You're on hold.

So there's tons of
people calling.

- I call Canada and I'm on hold.

- But what do you want?

Like if you're calling
this, you want something.

- I just wanna know what
the deal with the number is.

Is it Trudeau's line?

- No, it's not gonna
ring through to Trudeau.

- Might be his cell phone.

- Hello? Michelin speaking.

- Hi, I'm trying to call Canada.

- [Operator] Well, you're
calling 1-800 O Canada.

A general information line
for the federal program.

What is your question?

- Oh, awesome.

I'm coming over from coming
over from Finland and I was

looking for something fun to do.

What would you recommend?

- [Operator] You're
looking from,

you're coming from Finland?

- Yeah, what's the
most fun thing

I could do in Canada?

We're trying to figure it out.

If you had to do one thing,

what would it be?

- [Operator] Well, here we
are a general information line

for the federal program.

- Okay.
- Oh, okay.

- We hear that you eat a lot
of mac and cheese in Canada.

- [Operator] Are you serious?

- No. That's...

We've got some facts about
Canada and that's what they say,

that you eat a lot of
mac and cheese.

So we wanna try that.

- Most macaroni and
cheese consumed

of any country in the world.

- And you have a lot of lakes.

- [Operator] You're calling
from which city in Canada?

- No I'm calling from Helsinki,
Finland.

- Yes.

- [Operator] You're
calling from Finland?

- Yes, from Helsinki.

[giggles]

- [Operator] It's
hard to hear you.

- Okay. Thank you.

- We're just gonna
come over anyway.

- We love Canada.

- We love it over there.

- [Operator] If you don't
have a serious question

for the government of
Canada, I will hang up.

- Okay. Sorry.

- Jesus Murphy.

That was kind of rude.

- Thank you.
- Bye.

- Wow.

[laughing]

- Kind of rude.

- Yeah, that is
really fucked up.

- It's not friendliest number.

But oh well.

- Not friendliest.

So you gotta crank up your
friendliness there, Canada.

- All right.

- Okay.

That's it.

You gonna have a name for
this recipe here, Rick?

This shit that you made today?

- I think I would
like to call this

heaty mac and cheese with
deep fried chicken parts.

- All right. Okay.

We're gonna throw that
recipe up for everybody

that's watching this so you

can make it yourself.
- Pretty simple, it's just

mac and cheese, you cut
up some chicken fingers.

The good kind, the real
fucking chicken meat

and lots of hot sauce.

Fuck. It's good.

I would put extra cheese in.

Maybe a cheese slice.

Yeah.

- Okay. There you have it.

I think we're done boys.

[calm music]

- [Fish] Oh fuck!

Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck.

Woo.

Jesus Christ.

[intense music]

- [Announcer] Fuck off.