Original subtitles

- [Announcer] Warning.

The following program contains really coarse language, weed,

alcohol consumption, smoking and sexual inferelences.

This content may not be suitable for viewers under 18.

To activate parental controls,

please press the big go [beep] yourself button

on your remote control.

[gentle music]

- No, you cannot fucking turn off a man's cable

in the middle of the fucking playoffs.

No, I get that.

I'll-

- Come on Bubs. - Listen, bud.

I need to see the game tonight, okay?

I will fucking come down there tomorrow,

myself and pay you some fucking money.

You gotta turn it back on for tonight though.

If I miss the game tonight, I'm canceling my fucking cable.

I don't give a fuck.

Turn it back on, just for tonight.

I'll fucking, you know what?

Fuck yourself.

I'll go watch the fucking game at the bar.

You cock sucker.

- What happened, Ricky?

- Jesus he's gonna turn my fucking cable off

in the middle of the playoffs.

- Well, you don't pay your bills.

- You gotta pay the fucking bill, man.

- How many months overdue is it?

- It's been fucking time boys.

Been waiting for ya.

- Look at this, Ricky.

- What the fuck is that?

- Look at this.

I told I was getting you a microwave.

- No.

- And I got you a fucking microwave.

- Nice.

- He picked it out but you know,

we kind of brought it here together.

- It looks pretty old.

- What do you mean we brought it here together?

- Brought it here together.

- I picked it out and I carried it.

- It's got stains and shit all over it.

- It's used, but it's nice, Ricky.

It works. - You know what?

That's a fucking nice gift, buddy, thanks.

- Thanks. - You're welcome, man.

- You're gonna have to fucking teach me all the codes.

- It's easy to use.

- Jesus Christ. - Jesus, Ricky.

You're, fucking.

- It's not me. - Here, Ricky.

Plug her in.

Plug her in.

I got it at Value Village.

Six bucks.

- Are you serious?

Oh, she sounds like she might work.

- Yep. Oh, she works.

Six bucks.

There you go.

Microwave oven.

- Fits in there nice.

- Well that's where microwaves go.

That's why there's a plug there.

It's built for a microwave.

- Fuck.

I don't even remember the codes.

I remember the code for popcorn was code 211.

I think.

- What are you talking about, codes?

- The codes you fucking punch in to get

everything cooked rightly.

- It's not code, Ricky.

[coughing]

Popcorn's 230.

That's two minutes and 30 seconds.

- Do I need to clean it?

[screams]

Jesus Christ.

- Christ, Ricky.

Ricky.

- What the fuck is that? - Ricky, the fuck is wrong

with you, man.

It's not real.

- Jesus Christ that scared the fuck out of me.

- Bubs.

- You fucking asshole. [laughing]

- Didn't think it would scare you that bad.

- Jesus Christ.

- It's rubber, man.

- It's rubber.

- What is this? A squint?

- It's a what?

- Squint.

- Squint.

- Ricky, I'm too baked to be doing

this with you right now.

- Man, I broke my fucking good backer scratching.

- Holy fuck.

That was amazing.

- That was pretty fucked.

Here, bud.

- I didn't think he would get-

- Hot dogs and some buns, bought those for you.

- Right on boys.

- I got those for you.

- We're gonna have a feast.

- I got those. - I carried them.

- But I paid for them.

- Who carried them?

- Okay, Julian carried the hot dogs.

- Jesus, Bubs.

- Wow, you really need a, here let

me see this for one second.

Give him a pat on the back with it cause he really needs it.

There, wow. - Funny Bubs.

- All right, let's get

this shit going boy. - Fuck, that scared me.

- I just wanna talk about this codes thing, Ricky.

You know that when you put microwave popcorn in and you go

two, three, oh, it just means two minutes and 30 seconds.

It's not a code.

- What do you mean?

- It's just a timer.

- It's a timer. - It's a countdown timer.

That's how a microwave works.

- No, no.

There's like different levels and...

- Well yeah but you just put it on,

the numbers are just times, Ricky.

When you put in a roll and you put it on 12 seconds.

Did you think a roll was code one, two?

- Here, look, look, watch.

[beeps] One minute.

See 59, 58, 57, 56.

- Okay. - It's a timer.

- You can't run a microwave with nothing in it.

That's how you fuck them up.

- I know but see when it says, I didn't...

It says a hundred and then it would go to 59 that's.

So I thought code 100 was actually like 59 seconds.

- It's one minute Ricky, 58, 59,

one minute, 60 seconds.

- Now I'm feeling pretty fucking dumb.

- It's all right.

It's just not a big deal.

- Just don't try to like stuff a big turkey

in there and try to cook it.

- To you guys hungry, I got some fucking

mac and cheese.

- Mac and cheese?

- And I got some beautiful chicken fingers.

The good kind.

Oh yeah.

- Oh yeah.

Little, well done. - Not bad.

It's not bad.

How come you only cooked three?

- I made mac and cheese because that's all I had left.

Don't be greedy, Bubs.

- I'm not.

- You can have mine.

- I'm not even gonna have one.

I was just wondering why it's an odd number.

He usually cooks, you know, 12.

- You guys like lots of butter with your mac and cheese.

I know I do.

- You should start a health show, Ricky.

A cooking healthy show.

- Butter's healthy, it's all natural.

- Just add a stick of butter to one

pot Kraft Dinner.

Whole stick.

[giggling]

I know what I'm having.

I know what I'm having.

- [Ricky] What else do I need?

I need some milk.

- I'm gonna have my vodka, Ricky.

- Ricky, you cooked the fucking

noodles way too long, man.

- No, man, this is good.

- I thought that was mashed potatoes.

- Well, you guys were...

you guys took too fucking long to get here, didn't yous?

- [Bubbles] Well, I was out shopping for a fucking

microwave if you didn't notice.

- I appreciate that too, Bubs.

- I got your microwave.

Bubbles knows how to deliver.

- All right, let's get this fucking thing going,

whatever it is.

- [Bubbles] Ricky there's too much butter in here, bud.

- No, no.

You can never have too much butter.

Then it'll make it too runny.

- You can, you can have too much butter.

- Fuck off, man.

You're making butter noodles go everywhere.

- See the problem is, you only got one

little package of that fucking cheese stuff, right?

That's just gonna taste like shit.

- That's still hot.

Got some sauce right here.

- Some sauce? - What was the?

Ricky you know the hash you left in my shed?

- The hat?

- The hash.

- Yes.

- It was only this much.

It was a tiny joint, but we smoked it and I am fucked.

- I'm a little cook-a-roonied myself.

It was the Cashmere.

- Mhmm.

It's different than regular.

- Yeah that stuff is. - That's for sure.

- That stuff is a little crazy, bud.

- It's good, isn't it? - It's something else.

- [Julian] It's depends on what you're doing.

- [Bubbles] It's very giggly.

Giggly wiggly.

- I guess this is making this is a lot more fun, huh?

- All right, let's fucking...

Ah fuck.

We're just gonna have to pass the spoon around

if that's all right.

- Right.

What do you mean, "Pass it around?"

- We'll have different ones for each person.

How about that?

I just don't wanna have a lot of dishes to do cause I,

I gotta sleep after this.

- Pass the pot around?

- Everybody grab a fork.

- Mix that fucking shit up man.

- I'm fucking getting to that, aren't I.

- You gotta mix it.

- I can use my fork for that, I guess.

- Did you put milk into it?

- No, not yet.

I wanna just get it,

just get it doing its thing first.

- Do you think eventually we'll be able

to use comets like taxis where we could just latch

onto one and then, you know,

use it to get somewhere and then hop off?

- Maybe we could use it as fuel.

- [Bubbles] Yeah, that's what I mean like use.

- It's kind of like methane and methanol.

Maybe we could use it as fuel.

It's pretty cool.

- That would be amazing.

- We do that, we can name it after you bubbles.

- Oh, if I ever.

- The Bubbles Transfer Orbit.

- That would be, ah, you heard it here.

Right there I mean.

He's the guy that could make that happen.

He'd make one phone call and I got a comet named after me.

[giggling]

Yep.

That's probably, I don't know if you should touch that.

I actually rigged up an ejection seat.

[laughing]

You don't wanna blast yourself into the girders there.

You know, this was built outside.

I wasn't expecting to be inside,

so I don't wanna blast you into the ceiling.

- We build most of our spaceships outside.

- Yeah, It's the best place to build.

[laughing]

You know, 'cause it's...

Well that's all.

I just want to thank you so much for,

for coming and playing space with me today.

This was probably one of the best days of my life.

And now I can, you know,

I can show Ricky this and maybe he can,

maybe you could just gimme a couple more lines

that I could teach Ricky. - You wanna get ready to land?

- Yes.

Yes, walk me through the landing sequence.

- So we're coming to the heading alignment circle, right?

And the commander's flying

the vehicle during the heading alignment circle,

but he's gonna give it to the pilot for a minute.

So I'm flying it, I'm watching.

We're all on glides slope and we're following

the left right guidance.

And I'm saying you ready to take it?

And you say, I'm ready to take it.

- Ready to take it. - You got it.

Okay. Follow the heading alignment cone.

You got the stuff in your heads up display

that you're chasing. - Yep.

- Okay and now we're gonna pick up the glide slope.

So you're ready to start down.

- All right. - Down 30 degrees.

Start tipping it down.

Pick up the glide slope, that's fine.

You're coming down and now you're watching,

the little cursors are coming up and they're coming up

in your heads up display like this.

And as soon as they come in for you, start pulling

back on the stick, start bringing the nose up,

start a flare about a kilometer above the ground.

You got the flare coming.

Not too much.

Nice and smooth.

300 feet you call for the landing gear.

- Landing gear. - Okay.

Down goes the landing gear.

That's good.

We got one, two, three, no barber pulls.

That's good, okay.

Ease it off and now just hold it.

Hold on. I'm gonna call speeds for you.

We got 230, we got 225.

You wanna touchdown at 205 cause we're heavy.

225, 220, 215, 210, 205.

- Ah.

- Perfect.

Now, easy. Nose down.

You gotta push forward. Let the nose down.

Nose down. Nose down.

Okay. Gentle.

You're gonna deploy the drag shoot.

That's up here with two buttons.

Like that.

We got the drag shoot out.

We're rolling down the runway.

Gentle, little bit of breaks.

Starting at a hundred knots.

Little bit of brake with the toes.

Little bit of brake, little bit of brake.

60 knots.

Ease off. Okay.

And now we got to jet us in the drag shoot.

Third button.

[whoosh] There we go.

Drag shoots off, good sound effect.

And now we're gonna roll to a stop.

Wanna be right on the center line.

They're gonna take all the pictures.

And ready.

And now you say wheel stop, Houston.

- Wheel stop, Houston.

- Outstanding. Nice work.

- Oh my God.

I just landed the space shuttle with Commander Hatfield.

[giggling]

- It is a little bitter.

This is bunny honey.

And this is Miss Piggy.

[laughing]

and this is Daffy the duck.

And this is a Porky the pig.

Oh, what, what, what up, what up doc?

Whatever that fucking thing is.

Anyway, where was I?

I don't know where I was. [sighs]

Every time I have a drink of a home and deem,

my mind goes back many, many years.

Way back to 1978.

That's when they first bottled this stuff.

I remember the bottles that I remember, was Elmer Fudd.

What up doc?

No that's Bugs Bunny.

Bugs Bunny too.

And they had Sylvester the cat, you know,

fucking trying to grab Tweety all the time.

And then they had Wile E. Coyote,

the stupidest fucking coyote.

Then [whistling].

You should have just fucking [mumbles].

Anyway, I get a really.

When I was first married, just after that,

when Trina was born,

she's just a little baby

little baby baby.

And about the same time that she was going, [giggling]

'cause she had fucking garlic ecology.

My wife,

I got a job as undercover, undercover cop.

And I was, what I was doing and I was hot too.

I was investigating a bootlegging ring.

These guys are real bad asses.

And I grew a little beard and was fucking really cool.

And I got in great shape.

In myself was the whole cock sucking bunch of them.

And I was fucking,

I was on top of my game,

but I started having trouble at home

because Barb was saying, "You can't stay out

till four o'clock in the morning and expect

to have a marriage and all that shit."

And I used to stay up.

I hardly slept at all.

I was sleep depravity is one of the most...

you can't fucking think if you don't have sleeps.

I used to stay up and I used to feed little Trina

over a little bottle and then

sometimes I'd take one of the bottles and I'd take the,

fucking wasted [mumbles]

and I'd take off the nipple,

And I just put some little liquor in it and Barb caught me.

She hit the fucking roof.

I was passed and wasted.

I went down to the Tavern where the boys were hanging out

and I walked in there with my fucking 12 gauge shotgun.

They didn't know what the fuck was coming on.

And I had a bat and I told them they were

all fucking under arrest.

And I batted the shit out of every fucking

bottle in the place,

glass flying everywhere.

And then they came across these beautiful little figurines.

Don't spill little honey.

And I thought of Trina and I thought of my marriage.

And I was, you know, sometimes when you get a little bit,

you know, you get a little emotional when you are,

when you're drinking sometimes.

And it stopped me dead in my tracks

and I couldn't smash the figurines.

So I put it in my pocket.

And when I'm putting them in my pocket,

fucking Big Ed, cock suck, comes up, fucking whacks me

and knocks me out.

The next thing I know, I'm in a fucking garbage dumpster.

So I still have my figurines.

So I polished them all off.

And I turned myself in at the police station.

I was fucked.

I mean, truly fucked.

We weren't supposed to bust those guys for another month.

They demoted me.

[chuckles]

I was on ticket patrol from nine o'clock in the morning

to five o'clock at night.

Come rain or shine. [mumbles]

But I know there's an not bad thing really

because it saved my marriage.

[chuckles]

I guess, for every cloud there's a silver lining.

No doubt about it.

- The first weapon of choice on extreme painting

is a potato gun.

Modified a little bit.

You wanna take some fucking domes or condoms,

Fill them with some paint like this.

You wanna ram them down inside.

This one's already ready to go.

Pretty fucking cool.

So that one's outta the way.

Take this guy here.

Shake the fucking thing down there.

[air hisses]

All right, so that's your potato guns.

Then you can take like a sling shot here

and get some cotton balls full of paint.

Just start fucking blasting.

Also you can use your little watery things.

Fuck.

I kind of fucked up a bit.

That's kind of cool.

Fuck off.

[whistling]

That doesn't work very fucking well.

Turkey basters are good though.

Fucking Jesus.

Then you can just do that.

You can just dip stuff in and just

start fucking throwing it.

It's pretty fucking cool.

And the great thing about abstracts is you

can't fuck them up.

That's why I like them so much and they're a bit violent,

which is fucking cool.

So we're gonna do some more potato gun.

Get the fuck in there.

[blowing]

Do a bit of green in the other one.

Get the fuck in there.

Fuck.

Fucking still painting this fucking thing.

So throw a bit of that on there.

[clicking]

Fuck.

Fuck.

Try this one I guess.

Well that was pretty fucked.

All right, my potato guns are fucking up.

So just fucking go back to some of this shit.

That's pretty fucking cool.

Ah.

Paint is also very fucking slippery.

You need to be careful with that.

You can slip on it.

Fuck's sakes.

[sighs]

[laughing] Fuck.

- First question's from, what the fuck is this?

Wioux?

W, I, O, U, X is that woo?

Like Sioux Falls kind of thing.

Wioux?

It's a pretty fucked up handle.

"Us fans take your advice to heart."

Nice.

"I know you say take it or leave it,

but you have a show to do about giving advice.

So without going into too much,

tell us about yourself specifically things that will help us

to understand where your advice comes from within.

Why should we take your advice over that?

Say of a person with a degree in criminal science who

pretends to know people of your lifestyle?"

All right, number one, you take my advice because it's free.

Well, you know,

you gotta pay whatever you pay Swearnet

to get your subscription or whatever,

but it's basically free.

So that's number one, reason.

Number two.

I mean, I've spent like,

I'm gonna be straight with you guys.

I don't do this 'cause I love doing it.

I do it because I'm getting paid to do it.

I sit here, Swearnet puts this in front of me,

They mix me up a drink and I answer a bunch of questions.

I get paid 25 bucks.

Today I'll do like maybe three segments.

So that's like 75 bucks.

That's why I'm doing it.

Okay.

So why should you take my advice?

I'm a survivor.

I mean, I've had no parents my entire life, well up until,

until the age of six or seven and I've done pretty good in

my life, you know?

I've also spent a lot of time in jail and in jail, I've read

a shit ton of books in psychology.

Okay? So.

Maybe my advice is a little bit fucked up, but you know?

I'm taking it from the heart, like you just said,

there's from within.

I'm giving you what I would do

if I was put in your situation.

So I'm gonna be straight up with you.

- You know, we had an official phone number.

I did not.

- I do know this.

- What?

Official phone number?

- There's a phone number for Canada.

- 1-800 O Canada.

- Ah, fuck I knew that.

- Can we call it?

- Yes.

- Bubs, who named the earth, Earth?

- That's a tough one.

- Um.

- Johnny Earth.

- Who named the earth Earth?

- Don't hurt your brain too much

because there's a catch to this one.

- It's probably God.

- They don't know.

- They don't fucking know.

- They don't know, I remember that.

It was probably somebody in Ancient Greece, I'm guessing.

- It's just some dude probably drunk.

- Ah.

Here, just wait Ricky.

1-800 O Canada?

- You got it.

- 1-800.

O, H, C, A, N. - Oh that actually is...

That's the right number of numbers.

- This for real?

- Oh, is it just the letter O or O H?

- No, just one O.

- O, C, A, N, A, D, A.

Call.

- Put on speakerphone, man.

I wonder if we're gonna get Trudeau.

- [Operator] Thank you for calling 1-800 O Canada.

[speaks in foreign language]

- So it's real.

- [Operator] To continue in English, press one.

- Oh, we're continuing.

[operator speaks in foreign language]

- Whoops. Uh oh.

Fucked it up.

- To continue in English, press one.

Please note that this call may be recorded for quality

assurance and training purposes.

- Awesome.

[operator speaks in foreign language]

- Why do people call this fucking number?

You're on hold.

So there's tons of people calling.

- I call Canada and I'm on hold.

- But what do you want?

Like if you're calling this, you want something.

- I just wanna know what the deal with the number is.

Is it Trudeau's line?

- No, it's not gonna ring through to Trudeau.

- Might be his cell phone.

- Hello? Michelin speaking.

- Hi, I'm trying to call Canada.

- [Operator] Well, you're calling 1-800 O Canada.

A general information line for the federal program.

What is your question?

- Oh, awesome.

I'm coming over from coming over from Finland and I was

looking for something fun to do.

What would you recommend?

- [Operator] You're looking from,

you're coming from Finland?

- Yeah, what's the most fun thing

I could do in Canada?

We're trying to figure it out.

If you had to do one thing,

what would it be?

- [Operator] Well, here we are a general information line

for the federal program.

- Okay. - Oh, okay.

- We hear that you eat a lot of mac and cheese in Canada.

- [Operator] Are you serious?

- No. That's...

We've got some facts about Canada and that's what they say,

that you eat a lot of mac and cheese.

So we wanna try that.

- Most macaroni and cheese consumed

of any country in the world.

- And you have a lot of lakes.

- [Operator] You're calling from which city in Canada?

- No I'm calling from Helsinki, Finland.

- Yes.

- [Operator] You're calling from Finland?

- Yes, from Helsinki.

[giggles]

- [Operator] It's hard to hear you.

- Okay. Thank you.

- We're just gonna come over anyway.

- We love Canada.

- We love it over there.

- [Operator] If you don't have a serious question

for the government of Canada, I will hang up.

- Okay. Sorry.

- Jesus Murphy.

That was kind of rude.

- Thank you. - Bye.

- Wow.

[laughing]

- Kind of rude.

- Yeah, that is really fucked up.

- It's not friendliest number.

But oh well.

- Not friendliest.

So you gotta crank up your friendliness there, Canada.

- All right.

- Okay.

That's it.

You gonna have a name for this recipe here, Rick?

This shit that you made today?

- I think I would like to call this

heaty mac and cheese with deep fried chicken parts.

- All right. Okay.

We're gonna throw that recipe up for everybody

that's watching this so you

can make it yourself. - Pretty simple, it's just

mac and cheese, you cut up some chicken fingers.

The good kind, the real fucking chicken meat

and lots of hot sauce.

Fuck. It's good.

I would put extra cheese in.

Maybe a cheese slice.

Yeah.

- Okay. There you have it.

I think we're done boys.

[calm music]

- [Fish] Oh fuck!

Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck.

Woo.

Jesus Christ.

[intense music]

- [Announcer] Fuck off.