Original subtitles

- Warning.

The following program contains really

course language, weed, alcohol consumption,

smoking and sexual inferences.

This content may not be suitable

for viewers under 18.

To activate parental controls,

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- I remember in the intermission last night

I was trying to find

some fun facts about

animals.

I was trying to

- Fun facts about animals?

- Yeah, yeah!

- Why were you doing that?

- I was thinking about getting a new pet

and I wanted to

research things about different ones.

- Ricky.

Find out what's a good pet.

My pants are falling off.

- [Bubbles] Well pull them up.

Do you have underwear on?

- [Ricky] Who knows?

It's flip of a coin.

[Ricky laughs]

- You don't know if you have underwear on or not?

[Ricky sighs]

- Can you feel them?

- Oh yeah.

No, I do.

- Well. Can't you feel that you have under?

I mean, I always know when I have underwear on.

Jesus.

- Uh.

What did you guys want to do?

- I don't know that, just, I'm reading a story here.

It kind of reminds me of something that you would do.

- [Ricky] Who me?

- Yeah. Remember how you used to go on like,

fuck, I want to get a Bulletproof vest

and start, you know

I wanna get shot by one?

- [Ricky] Yeah.

- We're like, no, Ricky, it it fuckin', it hurts.

Like you can break ribs and shit.

- You don't get dead.

- Yeah. But still,

you don't want to get fuckin' shot, man.

It's just, it's not normal.

- What if they shoot you in the neck?

by accident? Then

- You have to get a Bulletproof scarf.

- Anyway, these two guys were drinking.

They're neighbors.

They were like, they put on the vest.

They're like, let's shoot each other.

See what it feels like.

- Some fuckin' tough guys.

- One guy shot the guy.

Right? And it hurt so

It hurt him so fuckin' bad

that buddy picks

up a fuckin' rifle and shoots him

like unloads the whole fuckin'

clip at the guy's vest.

- What?

- And killed him.

- [Julian] He didn't kill him, no.

But it fucked him up.

- Oh my God.

- Went to the hospital and said they got

into a gunfight with somebody

[Ricky laughs]

and they were like, no

you guys are just fuckin' shooting at each other.

And they were like, yeah.

Okay. We fuckin' did that.

Anyway. They're going to jail.

- That's fucked up.

- For what?

- Don't know, man.

- I guess you're not allowed to shoot at each other.

- You're not allowed to shoot at, at each other.

Yeah.

- Even with Bulletproof vents on.

Bulletproof scarf's

- Exciting.

- Not a bad idea, actually.

- Bulletproof gloves?

- Bulletproof gloves, yeah.

- Cause you're always getting defensive wounds.

- Yeah.

Bulletproof gloves.

- [Ricky] Bulletproof.

- If you fuckin' try to stop a bullet

with your bulletproof fuckin' gloves,

[Ricky laughs]

your good hand would be fucked.

It would just be all mangled up inside.

And you'd take it out

and in your hand would be fucked.

- Would it, though?

- Kind of, man.

- What if you put on two Bulletproof gloves?

- Bubs, so you're still like

- A small and a large.

- you're not catching a fuckin' baseball.

- [Ricky] Or a Bulletproof glove

and then a Bulletproof mitten

over the whole thing.

- Boys, it's still gonna break the f-

It's gonna shatter your fuckin' hand.

- Maybe. Maybe not.

- Depends on.

- Let's try.

Do you wanna try?

- No.

I don't.

But I bet you

you could look it up on MythBusters.

I bet you

- I bet we can get Corey or Jacob

to fuckin' try it.

Well of course you could.

- All right, let's try it then sometime.

- All you'd have to do is promise 'em something.

- And you've gotta make up a

Bulletproof fuckin' glove.

Good luck with that one.

- I tell you, I named my beaver?

- Hmm.

No.

- Calling him Nickel.

- [Bubbles] Nickel.

- [Ricky] Yep. Just picture him on every nickel.

- [Bubbles] I get it. I know.

There's a beaver on the Canadian nickel.

- [Ricky] What's up, Nickel?

[Bubble laughs]

- [Ricky In High Pitched Voice] Sending it out!

- [Julian] Cool dude.

What a horrible fuckin' name. Nickel.

- Nickel.

And he talks like that, does he? In a

- [Ricky In High Pitched Voice] Yeah.

He talks like this.

Hey Bubbs.

- Hey Nickel.

- [High Pitched Voice] You got any treats?

Beaver treats?

- I don't have any beaver treats.

[Ricky laughs]

I'll bring some next time.

Some beaver jerky.

Where you going?

- Just checking on

what you got in the fridge here, man.

- [Ricky] All right.

- [Julian] You want some quick

we got some quick fries. Full bottle of vodka.

- Do you want a quick fry?

- There you go.

That's gonna help you out, man.

That's gonna keep you alive.

You drink some of this.

Okay. With vodka.

That's what this is.

- Well. I know.

- You got some carrots down there.

- [Ricky] No, man.

You gotta go into the good section.

- You could give carrots to Nickel.

- [Ricky] Oh yeah.

Now we're fuckin' talking.

Egg rolls, baby.

- All right.

- You're cooking.

Are you Ricky?

In the middle of the show?

[bang]

- [Ricky] Quick fries?

- Jesus! Murphy.

- [Julian] You might wanna wrap,

put like, use a Ziplock bag, man.

You got freezer burn on all them.

- Well, they're not bad.

- How about some quick fries?

Some sweet and sour pork

and a couple egg rolls?

Yeah!

Fuck off.

- [Julian] Jesus Christ, man.

- [Bubbles] Ricky, you're gonna break your leg.

These have a little bit of freezer burn,

but they're not bad.

Oh, those are the bear pollen ones too.

I like those.

- I don't have a microwave.

Is the only problem.

- Where's your microwave?

- I don't know.

I think I sold it.

- You don't know where your microwave is?

- [Ricky] Do you see it anywhere?

- Don't know, but

[metal rattling]

- How can't you remember whether

you fuckin' sold the thing or not?

- I have a weird memory

about smashing the fuckin' thing.

- [Julian] You smashed it?

- Here, Ricky, let,

you know, stand this way.

So that people can,

you know.

- [Ricky] Like this?

- Well just, you know

I just want people to be able to

see what you're doing.

That's all.

- [Ricky] Uh. Fuck.

Ugh.

- You still don't know

how to work your oven. Do ya?

Showed you at least 50 times.

- Aren't these supposed to be a different color?

Yeah. It's supposed to be this color.

- [Julian] That's what I'm saying.

They got freezer burn, man.

- What does that mean?

- You gotta put 'em in a

Ziploc bag. Wrap them up.

- They're fine.

Turn your blower on though,

Ricky, or you're gonna

fill the place with stink

Quick fry stink.

- Read this Randy.

Which one?

- Shitoscope.

- Shitoscope.

- All right, everybody.

From the dictionary we have shitoscope.

Okay?

In

- I'll drink to that.

- Mr. Lahey, I'm reading!

- [Mr. Lahey] I, I gotcha.

- Shh!

In grata

explorary

surgery

- [Mr. Lahey] That's Latman.

- What's that, did I say it right?

- [Mr. Lahey] Yeah, perfect, Randy.

- Okay. It's a noun. N.

an archaic instrument

for viewing the bowel

through the sphincter.

Advanced models

Come equipped with shit lights

rectal dilators, bung oil and aprons.

I don't get it, Mr. Lahey.

Oh, there's

Shitscopy right here.

Shitoscopy?

Shitoscopy.

Enough, Mr. Lahey! Stop.

- [Mr. Lahey] Shitoscopy.

- Shitoscopy.

[Mr. Lahey grunts]

The science of rectal telemetry.

Shh!

[Mr. Lahey laughs]

recently sidelined

by the fecal finger.

- Yeah.

- Oh, and here's a poem.

On my side I happily linger,

as she applies her fecal finger.

- Yeah. Bend over

- By Luke Lipshits

- Bend over.

Let Lahey come over.

- New Shit Yorker. January, 2011.

That's pretty funny, Mr. Lahey.

- Yeah.

Okay. Can you guess

what's in the box, Randy?

- Coins!

- It's related to the [slurs] shitoscopy, Randy.

- Um.

- This fuckin' piece of shit

[bang]

There it is, Randy.

Guess what it is, bud?

- [Randy] I think we need

- [Mr. Lahey] Tada!

Hold that.

- It's a pair of scissors.

- It, no, it's half.

- Oh, it doesn't open.

[Mr. Lahey belches]

It's a tuning fork.

[Mr. Lahey laughs]

- It could be.

[cling]

What else do you think it is?

[cling]

- Boomchaka boomchaka!

[cling cling cling]

- Here try this. See.

- Boomchaka Boomboppa

[cling cling cling]

Let me see, I can do this one.

[Mr. Lahey laughs]

[clinging noises]

- [Mr. Lahey] Careful!

You know what they are?

[clinking]

- [Mr. Lahey] Anybody out there in the audio radience

Know what that little shitbag is?

[clinking]

Those are rectal dilators!

[Mr. Lahey laughs]

- What!

Here, take these away from me, Mr. Lahey!

[Mr. Lahey laughing]

You we- That was mean!

[Mr. Lahey laughing]

Mr. Lahey.

- Okay, Randy.

Time for our word of the week.

You want the big dictionary

or the little dictionary?

- I want the little dictionary, Mr. Lahey.

- Don't forget! The synchronousy of [slurs]

of they cov- the com

of the idiotics cosmos, Randy.

Anything you point to do?

That's in this dictionary

- Oh!

is the magical magicus.

- Ohh!

- Do you want me to open

I'll just open it at random?

- Right there!

- Right there?

What, point to something. Point.

Can you see?

- It says

- What?

- Immeasurable.

- Your gut, Randy!

Immeasurable.

- Not measurable.

Limitless.

- Yeah, I know.

Because you have the most wonderful epiphanous.

- I grew two inches last year.

It's true.

From 44 and a half to 46 and a half.

Randy's got his immeasurable.

- Mr. Lahey, you gotta try this burger.

[Mr Lahey in singing voice] immeasurable, measurable.

[Mr. Lahey mumbles]

[Mr. Lahey singing]

You know, that's that's what.

Ohh, Randy.

I gotta drink a toast to Randy's kitchen.

Make your own burgers using shit.

- I need my liquor.

- Okay. Here, Randy.

I think you drank it all bud. Here.

- Here, Mr. Lahey I'll come.

You could gave me a sippy poo.

- Okay.

Just a little sippy poo.

[Mr. Lahey In Singing Voice] Randy Balandy.

His ass as sweet as candy.

Randy Bobandy

- Mr. Lahey!

[whispers] Don't say that!

- Okay.

- Ooh! Fuck you.

Head to toe health is kind of

what I'm known for.

Like, like, you know,

some of them guys are just

all upper body and then

they have little chicken legs,

but I'm trying to like

pretty be much be even.

Hey, fuck, man

I'm doing something.

I'm trying to be like, even

throughout my whole body, like,

like watch this move.

Like that.

You know?

Not a lot of guys can do that.

You know?

They'd be like,

how'd you do that?

And then it's like mental, physical strength

all together.

One more.

Ugh! Fuck.

Little slippery bitch.

Ugh.

[Grunting noses]

[bang]

What the fuck?

[bang]

What the fuck?

Holy fuck.

Yeah, so fuck, tonight's the night.

I, I feel like it's an opportune time for me to

fuckin' break free,

get out, you know,

fight for my life

and fuck the prison life.

So, you know,

if you, if you read about me

in the news later,

like, Terry's got a bullet in his back, like,

just think

of Bons Scott, like, you know,

made it out.

It's all that mattered.

I'm running for freedom tonight.

So probably won't see you again there,

Rick bud, cause like,

you wouldn't fit through the cracks,

so I'm kind of leaving without you,

but you're a good guy to me,

you know, like,

kind of a brother.

So don't cry for me, Ricky,

I'm already gone.

[grunting]

[grunting]

[grunting]

- Ugh! Son of a bitch.

- Ugh! Holy fuck!

Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck!

Help! Me tight!

Ahh!

Oh, fuck!

Ricky!

Ricky!

Guys!

Oh, fuck!

I'm in the walls!

Help!

Help!

Help!

[Coughing]

- Well pretty much figure I'll just

enjoy my privacy tonight, and

hopefully, you know, once I lose a pound or two,

I can wiggle my way back out.

Fuck's sakes.

The good news is I fuckin'

have a little hiding hole

to hang out on my own.

The bad news is I ain't really that free.

[insects chirring]

So yeah, like,

I spent a whole day and a half there

fuckin' stuck in the wall

and I was like

kind of panicking.

Thought maybe I was gonna die.

And then like, you know, outta nowhere

this little rat kind of came up to me and I,

you know, I think it almost might have like,

kickstarted my heart

on the final beat.

Found a little buddy down here, keep him,

keeping me safe, keeping me warm.

And you know, it kind of like,

gave him a little name here.

Little Ricky kind of reminds me of Ricky.

You know?

Like he's got feisty sort of

feisty spirit.

[sniffing]

You smell that?

You smelling for some hash?

[rat squeaks]

Yeah, I wish I had some too, bud.

You wanna come back with me to jail?

[rat squeaks]

What's that?

[rat squeaks]

Oh no, you're a free spirit.

- Yes. I was gone.

I was gone for 40 days and 40 nights.

And Ricky Brown was serving his time

in the prisons.

Now Ricky Brown would like to consider

the fact that since the prison was named

the South Garden Penitentiary

he was spending 40 days and 40 nights

in the garden.

And I find that no coincidence whatsoever.

Jesus Christ of course was somewhat of criminal himself.

And sometimes we let ourselves go

and we need to take the time for ourselves.

Whether or not that's time that has been slapped

upon us by a corrupt police department or

or simply because a man is black

or because the man might wanna go on his own.

The fact is is that

while I was there

Ricky Brown had time to reflect.

He had time to think.

He had time to, to

to consider

new ways of bring the Lord into your house.

I'd like to bring your attention

to Leviticus!

Verse 24.

Uh, uh.

Number 12.

[clears throat]

and Leviticus tells us

Fuck this Bible, man.

Who's fuckin' with my-

[clears throat]

Leviticus 12, book 24.

[stutters]

[clears throat]

This aint even the right shit, man.

[slams book pages]

Forget that.

Listen man, Ricky Brown.

Listen, Rick.

The, the fact is that

that Ricky Brown lives in,

he goes to prison.

He comes back to prison.

The, I don't give a fuck what anyone say.

All right?

Anyone can judge me.

A lot of people

Judge Ricky Brown

on his first couple shows will tell you what

Ricky b- got the balls

and the nuts to come up in here.

And he got the balls of Delilah

and he got the dick of Samson

and he come up on stage

and he has the audacity to, to

to come and, and, and, and, and,

[stutters]

Man, fuck, man.

This shit is hard.

[clears throat]

Deuteronomy 23. Number 1.

He, that is wounded in the stones

or hath his privy member removed

shall not be welcomed

in the church.

Basically what that means is

Ricky Brown has big balls

and he's welcomed in the church.

You get no balls,

you get the fuck out.

All right?

Ricky has a, uh,

couldn't be here.

I mean, I'm sorry

if you have testicular cancer,

I guess that means you're not

allowed in church either, but you know, we'll,

we'll pray for you on your speedy recovery.

Let us hang our head in prayer.

[drink pouring]

[swallowing]

[snorting]

Lord. We are

generally thankful that

Is it hot in here?

[clears throat]

We're generally thankful that. Uh.

Lord, if you'll, uh.

Lord let us hang our head in prayer.

We can

be able,

excuse me for a minute.

This is all part of the.

Huh.

[swallowing]

[cleaning throat]

Ladies and gentlemen we have a

[banging and bumping noise]

[background organ music continues]

[snorting]

[snorting]

[snorting]

Huh?

What's up?

[mumbles]

Little too fast. Sometimes I come on

[mumbles]

I just

[mumbles]

[mumbles]

Oh!

- [Man Off Stage] Doing okay, Ricky?

- Deuteronomy, uh, ver,

chapter 25.

When you

go through your neighbor's vineyard,

you may eat as many a grapes as you wish

but do not put them in your basket.

Is the time, is it lunchtime yet?

I'm gonna just use the, step off for a minute.

- Hey, this is Bubbles.

Welcome to kitty of the week.

[Bubbles laughs]

[cats meowing]

[cats purring]

Hey, welcome to kitty of the week.

We're at the Bide Awhile Shelter here again.

We got an excellent kitty being featured this week.

This guy here.

Look at this guy!

[Bubbles laughs]

He doesn't have a name yet, so

you know, you can give him your own

or you can ask me to give him one,

which I will happily do.

If I was keeping to myself,

I would call him

Blacky Lawless,

cause he's

he kind of does what he wants.

He's a feisty little guy.

So he's gonna need,

you know, he's gonna need something.

Let's see if he's into scratchin'

You wanna get into a scratcher?

Look, I'll just wrap this right around ya.

No, he's not.

See? You can tell right away.

He's not into scratchin'.

Although he does enjoy belly work.

I noticed if you

if you get him here like this

and you just give him tugs

on his belly.

Like that, see that?

He calms right down.

He enjoys belly work.

That's a,

that's a sign of a good kitty.

If you can give him tugs on his belly like that.

And he likes that.

Tugga tugga tugga tugga tugga

[Bubbles laughs]

He likes that.

Maybe you need some nip.

Maybe some nip.

Well, you're already pretty fired up though.

Let's see what I got in the tackle trunk here.

How about green mousey?

Oh yeah.

That got your

That got your attention, didn't it?

Green mousey.

No.

Nope.

See that's exactly why I call him Blacky Lawless.

He just does

The natural laws of kitty physics

don't really apply to this guy.

He just does his own thing.

[Bubble chuckles]

but he's an excellent

look at him

He's just

He likes it all.

Well, you can just give him tugs everywhere.

He's definitely a

Bubble certified kitty right there.

Blacky Lawless.

[cat meows]

- Remember how I always wanted

to fight a grizzly bear?

And I was thinking about getting one

as a pet so that

I could practice on it

as it's growing

growing bigger.

Eventually I'd be able to fight him full on.

No.

Do you know that a grizzly bear's bite

is strong enough to

crush a fuckin' bowling ball?

- Jesus.

- [Ricky] I don't know what

a bowling ball's made out of, but

- A grizzly bear?

- [Ricky] It seems pretty hard.

- Oh my God.

A grizzly bear can bite a bowling ball?

- Crush it.

Turn it to dust.

- How could his teeth be that strong?

Bowling balls are made outta

- Super teeth.

- They're made outta stone.

They're made of, like, marble or whatever.

- They must drink a lot of milk.

- Milk doesn't

- Strong teeth.

- give you strong teeth.

Like that type of strong teeth.

- Why the fuck isn't this cooking to the even?

- Ricky, why don't. Ugh, Jesus.

Forget my, forget my half quick fry.

- I'm not, I'm not having any of that.

- I don't want a half quick fry any more.

- And then little Mo wanted a Clownfish.

So I'm like, okay, do you want a fuckin'

boy or girl?

And he said, they're only

there's only boy

Clownfishes.

They all get born to boy,

which I didn't know.

And I guess it's true.

But some of them do turn to females to

enable mating

- So their wieners fall off?

- I don't know how it works.

I'd like to get one, to see it in action.

- Well, they're Clownfish,

so he probably just goes,

[makes whoosh noise]

"Surprise!"

- [Ricky] And then I was thinking about

maybe getting

an Armadillo

just to have a unique pet.

- [Julian] Why?

- Because they're cool looking and

apparently they're friendly

and they like to snuggle.

- It says they like to snuggle?

- [Ricky] No, I, I just think they might.

But anyway, these Nine Banded bastards, they always

give birth to identical quadruplets.

Every fuckin' time.

Identical quadruplets.

So if I got a fuckin'

Armadillo

I can't have four babies.

It'd be fucked.

And I have all

of a sudden five fuckin'

- Yeah.

cocksuckers running around.

- It would be fucked.

- The fuck is he talking about?

- I'm not getting an Armadillo.

- Don't get a fuckin' Armadillo then, Ricky.

Where would you even find an Armadillo around here?

- You know what?

This fuckin'.

You don't need a microwave.

Look at this shit.

That's the best thing in here.

- What is?

- The sweet and sour fuckin' concoction.

Fuck microwaves!

Microwaves can suck my cock.

I was gonna buy another one?

- Why don't you just smash everything up, man.

- [Bubbles] I know Ricky,

but you would've had it cooked long ago.

- [Ricky] These egg rolls are taking forever.

- This guy, Sergeant Rizzle says,

"What kind of car does Ricky drive?"

- 1975 Chrysler New Yorker.

I like big cars.

- [Bubbles in A raspy voice] I like big cars

and I don't know why

[Bubbles laughs]

Get it?

- Yeah, I get it Bubs.

- Okay, boys, well.

- [Ricky in a deeper Voice] My name is Ricky.

I'm tricky.

- All right.

- That would be uh.

[Bubbles In A Raspy Voice] I'm Ricky,

I walk around.

I smoked some dope.

I walk around

- [Bubbles And Ricky Both] I'm Ricky.

- I'm Ricky, Ricky, Ricky, Ricky.

- All right, boys, on that note, this,

it's time to end this.

We gotta go now.

- Why?

- It's time's up.

Perfect timing, now we can eat.

- [Bubbles] Okay, well get, like,

get, serving her up!

- Try this shit.

Fuck.

- Ricky, you're gonna eat with the tongs.

- I was going to, but it didn't work right.

Oh, fuck, that's still on!

- [Julian] You dumb ass.

[Ricky laughs]

- Fuck, man. That sucked.

- You're gonna burn yourself.

How is it?

- It is fuckin' good.

- All right, well,

tune in next week when Ricky has food poisoning.