Original subtitles

- Warning.

The following program contains really coarse language, weed,

alcohol consumption, smoking, and sexual inferences.

This content may not be suitable for viewers under 18.

To activate parental controls,

please press the go [bleep] yourself button

on your remote control.

[calm music, chatter]

- Here's a couple more here, Ricky,

that I was curious about: "How to unmelt stuff."

- [Ricky] Fuck, yeah.

- Yeah. Why were you googling that?

Because two of my fucking cups, one of my plates,

and a couple of my plastic kitties were melted.

- Yeah. I'm sorry about that.

- Is that why you Googled that?

- And I'm sorry about Lucy's plastic mixing bowl.

I melted it. And then I was like,

fuck, there's gotta be a way to unmelt this.

No. You'd think there would be,

it's fucking stupid that you can melt something

and then you can't fucking unmelt it.

Why would they invent shit like that?

- It's called ruining it, Ricky.

You ruined the fucking thing.

- Right. But if it was made outta something that unmelted,

once it was melted, it wouldn't get ruined.

- How would you unmelt it though?

When you melt something it's, you know, it's burning it,

Ricky, like it's part of it's going away.

You can't just,

you can't harness all the vapor and put it back together.

- But you would think if you melted something

with a blow torch, that's heat.

So if you put it in a fucking extra cold freezer,

it would be like, take it back to where it was, no?

It doesn't work, but no.

- Like the Terminator, like the Terminator dude.

Is that what you're talking about?

- [Ricky] They've got shit like that now, yeah.

Just it's probably expensive and they don't

make household products out of it.

- They're not making bowls outta that shit.

- "Where to steal diamonds."

Why in the fuck were you Googling that?

- 'Cause I'm fucking sick of living like this.

And I just, diamonds are, I don't know if you know this,

but they're one of the most valuable

things in the fucking world.

- They're a girl's best friend.

- And they're hard.

I wanted to make something out of them

that's extra hard that would last forever.

They could make like car tires outta diamonds.

That would be neat.

- Ricky, do you know what fucking

it would cost to make diamond tires?

- It'd be a lot. But if you stole a shitton of 'em,

then you could make all kinds of fucking stuff out of them.

- How uncomfortable- - [Ricky] Teeth.

- of a ride would it be?

- Imagine if you could replace all your teeth with diamonds,

nothing could fuck with them.

It's one of the hardest things in the world.

- Clear diamond teeth. Fucking be cute.

- You'd look fucking cool with them.

- [Julian] You wouldn't wanna go to sleep.

- You'd open up your mouth and just glisten.

- Someone would wanna fucking rob your mouth though, man.

- You wouldn't want to go see The Who. Get it?

- I don't get it, man.

- They always had that big laser show.

- Oh, you just open up your lips.

- They hit you in the teeth, it would go everywhere.

- Cool. Like a disco ball.

- This is one here, Ricky,

that I was really curious about:

Peter Forsberg's eyes.

- Okay. That's a bad one.

- What is up with you and his eyes, man?

- You've mentioned his eyes on several occasions.

- Well, it just, I don't know.

I always thought that I had pretty nice eyes

and then he comes along. Right?

So it's kind of like, we're almost like enemies, I guess.

And you're always checking out your other enemies.

See what is, what you,

- You think Peter Forsberg realizes you're enemies

because you're jealous of his eyes?

- If he saw my eyes, maybe he would be,

he probably wouldn't be.

Cause he knows his are better. I don't know.

But I was just looking at them to see

what it is about them that makes them better than mine.

- Hmm. What did you conclude?

- It doesn't mean anything.

There's nothing wrong with looking at another man's eyes

to see why they're better than yours.

That doesn't mean fuck-all.

- So you think he's got beautiful eyes.

- I never said the word beautiful.

- You think you have, you know, nice eyes.

- I think he has qualities about his eyes

that make them superior to mine.

And I'm a little jealous.

- What would those qualities be? Shape, color?

- All of it, pretty much, yeah. Size.

- Oh, I hope they put up a picture.

Like a nice picture of Peter Forsberg's eyes right now.

- He has fucking perfect wolf eyes.

Anyway, so what? I Google a man's eyes.

Doesn't mean anything.

How come you're not talking about

the other things I search? Perfect tits.

- Cause those are boring. I know why you're Googling that.

I want to know why you're Googling these other things.

"Does the queen smoke weed?"

- Well, yeah, that's a great question

'cause we're going over there,

and she turned 90, which is pretty cool.

She made it that long.

So I was gonna fucking,

well first I'd like to smoke a joint with her

for her 90th birthday.

But if she's not up for that,

I could at least leave her

a little something as a nice gift.

It's the fucking queen.

You're supposed to do nice things for her.

- She doesn't smoke weed.

- How do you know? She lived to be 90.

She probably does. Anyway.

- She does have a drink every morning.

- See, you guys are gonna be jealous

when all of a sudden I fucking,

"Where were you last night, Ricky?"

I'll tell you where I was, assholes.

Smoking fucking hash with the queen. Where were you?

♪ ["Ode to Joy"] ♪

- Welcome. Welcome once again to the Randy-Lahey show.

Have we got a show for you today? Haven't we Randy.

- That's right, Mr. Lahey.

And you got the name right, Randy-Lahey show!

- I meant the Lahey-Randy show.

- Randy-Lahey show!

- Whom thinketh style cometh on our show today? Randers?

- Cometh who?

- This is the Jim Lahey literary episode, Randers.

And we have got a Shakespearean expert

that's gonna come on the show today, Randy!

- I hate Shakespeare, Mr. Lahey!

- You love Shakespeare, Randy.

- [Randy] I don't like him at all, I don't understand-

- To be or not to be. That is the question.

- Mr. Lahey that's a dumb question.

If you're in the car and there's a bee buzzing around,

stop and let the fricker out.

You could get stung on your nipple, Mr. Lahey.

- This is a show where we enhance our acting skills

whereby we achieve fame and fortune

on the magnificent stages of London

and New York City, Randers.

- Well, this is really stupid.

You sound like an idiot, Mr. Lahey.

- [Lahey] No I don't, Randy.

- You don't sound like your normal self

and we don't have to do that.

We practice at the Blanchford recreation center,

everybody. And I think that's enough.

Isn't it, Mr. Lahey?

- [unintelligible]

We need to improve our performance skills

so we can conquer shit mountain, Randers.

- Sounds really dumb, Mr. Lahey.

- Well, that's what you think, Bo Diddler.

- Oh, if you ask me it's stupid.

- Well, what should we have for today,

oh, I have a new episode.

A new segment on our episode.

What have I got in the bag, Randers?

- You're in the bag, Mr. Lahey.

- That's true. Ta-da!

- You remember what the producers said?

They said that you're not allowed to drink.

You're only gonna have to drink

half of that today, Mr. Lahey.

- Okay, just so-

- Give me a good one this time.

- Just a little sippy-poo, Randy, just for courage.

- Oh, give a little more.

- What, what?

- Come on, just a little.

- Let me see how much I got.

- Yeah.

No- Mr. Lahey.

- Cheers, Randy.

- There's not any, gimme a drinky-poo.

- What are we gonna drink to, Randers?

- That's not enough for a drinky-poo.

- Okay, for fuck's sakes Randy.

[Lahey] Piece of shit. [Randy] Okay! Stop- Mr. Lahey.

- Okay. Today we're gonna drink to Randy's big gut.

- No, we're not gonna drink to my big gut.

I think what we should do,

we should have a toast today to all of the people,

all the fans, to season 10 is what we should do.

- To season 10!

- [Randy] Yeah. To season 10.

- That's great, to season 10.

Our fans love us out there.

- They love season 10, to season 10 and the fans...

- Okay, so roll it, Chipper, roll it.

- Roll what, Mr. Lahey?

- Show the footage, Randy, show the footage.

- Show footage of what?

- Show the fucking footage

of when we were on the road, Randy.

- Fuck you, Lahey, fuck you Lahey!

- Have you guys seen Mr. Lahey out there?

[crowd cheering]

'Cause if he's fricking drinking, I'm taking his shit.

- Lahey! Lahey! Lahey!

- [Lahey] Propane, propane.

- Time to start the flame!

- [Lahey] Propane, propane.

- Let's start the game!

- [Lahey] Propane, propane.

- Time to start the flame!

- [Lahey] I love you guys.

Swearnet.com, say it!

- Swearnet.com!

- [Lahey] Say it one more time.

- Swearnet.com!

- [Randy] Say the Randy-Lahey Show!

- Randy-Lahey Show!

- [Lahey] Say the Lahey with Randy show.

- Lahey with Randy show!

- No, say it's the Randy with Lahey show!

- Randy with Lahey show!

- [Lahey] Fuck off.

- And it says "I am the liquor!"

- It's coming up right now, here we go.

That was good, wasn't it Randy?

- What was that?

- That was how much our fans loved us.

- Oh yeah. Oh boy, they love us.

Oh, Mr. Lahey. This is good liquor, it's good.

- So, liquorman's... okay.

So today, Randy, we have a special.

We're gonna do the dictionary game. Okay, bud?

- No, Mr. Lahey. We agreed that we're gonna do something-

- I'll tell you what I'll do.

How would you like 20 free meals at A&W? 20 free coupons.

- At A&W?

- Ta-da!

And you wanna know why we do this every week, Randy?

In my little book called the dictionary,

go to dictionary.com and you can get one of these books.

You can order it online. Read this, Randy.

- Mr. Lahey, I don't wanna read it.

- This the literary episode you gotta be more,

- Why do we have to teach people words?

They can go to school.

- Dictism.

- Dictism.

- [Lahey] Do it.

- Dictism. Fiat locks. And in brackets it says,

"Let there be light."

Is it like the car Mr. Lahey?

And there's an N in dots, which means a noun.

N in dots is a noun.

Dictism: The study of cosmic coincidence

by posing questions and having them answered

by pointing at random, in dictionaries of any language.

Dictists believe every atom of every element

contains the map of the universe.

- Every atom in every element

contains the map of the universe.

And it's true. And I didn't make it up.

It's the true shit.

[jazzy music]

- Ricky Brown had a few near death experiences

and it does tend to bring him closer to the Lord.

One of the near death experiences I can remember is,

is almost being killed by someone I knew.

They lost their mind.

Ricky was there to help that person.

He almost killed the person he loved most, his wife.

And Ricky Brown stood between them,

naked and no clothes on, telling him, don't, don't.

It was mean.

Ricky Brown threw himself in harm's way,

much like he would a bus or oncoming car or a rhino,

or maybe a hippopotamus, whatever.

Cause hippopotamuses are vicious creatures.

You see 'em laugh, vicious creatures

with a big old mouth. They say they're herbivores,

but motherfucker's mouth swallow you whole.

I digress. Jumping in front of that person he knew

helped Ricky understand that, you know, in that moment,

he almost got his ass kicked and his life was almost ended.

You know, since then, I, you know, I believe that

that act of valor, that act of honor,

that Ricky Brown did, the selfless act that he did

might have brought those two closer together.

They're not friends with Ricky anymore, but you know,

Ricky does pay child support now,

but everything worked out and I found the Lord

and it was brought together.

It's things like that that make me realize,

Ricky Brown was meant to be here.

And God got a plan for him.

And he got a plan for you.

- All right. Welcome to A Date With Class.

In my brief interactions with you all,

I have realized this is something you seriously need,

especially for those of you who are getting out soon, okay?

You need to know how to treat a lady, okay.

We're gonna talk about etiquette

and we're gonna talk about not fucking it up. All right?

So who thinks that they know how to treat a lady on a date?

Come on.

All right. So you're picking me up for a date. Let's go.

What's your first move?

Okay. Problem number one. Does anyone know?

- He sat down too fast.

- Exactly, Freddy. What should he have done, Freddy?

- He should have slowed it down. Took his time.

- Took his time with what?

- Sitting down.

- No, no, no.

The first thing, you need to compliment me,

make me feel good. Okay?

- This is nice. This is a nice finger-

Those are really nice fingernails. It's like really nice.

- All right. So let's say, I'm sorry.

Who do you think I am?

Am I supposed to pull out my own chair here?

- Oh. Sorry.

- Jesus, man.

- Jesus Christ, Larry. What the fuck, man.

- Wonder why you're single.

- Thank you.

All right. What next? Anybody?

- Help her, have the chair in? Push the chair in for her.

- Jesus.

Better off staying in here. Okay.

- What the fuck is he doing?

- Sit the fuck down.

- The fucking waiter does that.

- Okay, now does anybody see a mistake that he's made here?

- He didn't wipe his forehead.

- He didn't go to the bathroom and use his one hitter.

- Paper napkins.

Why the fuck am I on a date without cloth napkins?

- That's all they have at the- that's all they-

That's all you have at the facility. That's all you have.

- You want cloth napkins.

At least there's a tablecloth. Okay.

And here we are. So, small talk.

- So what was your first time like?

Was it good?

- Nice.

- Whoa.

- That's a great question.

- Can anybody think of a better thing

he could have started with?

- When will you guys' first time be?

- I was 13, it was like,

- Jesus.

- You know, I had one of those hot cousins, right.

- You don't wanna- don't talk about

banging your first cousin on the first date.

- Jesus. - What is wrong with you?

- You're trying to get outta here, buddy.

- Are you supposed to talk about banging at all?

- [Larry] No, don't-

- Probably not.

- [Larry] Y'all, I'm really close with my mom.

My mom's like, you know, like my best friend.

- Okay, nobody cares. Nobody wants to hear about your mama.

Nobody wants to hear about your exes.

Just ask me about my day and we'll go from there.

- Oh, that's good.

- How was your day? How was your day?

- Thank you. Eye contact.

Do you see that? That's really nice.

- Doing good.

- Not down here, but up here.

- This is good stuff, actually.

I never do any of this stuff. It's fucking boring.

- And then you need to listen. Okay?

- All right.

- No, you don't have to look like you're listening,

but actively try and understand what I'm saying. Okay?

- Fuck is wrong with-

- Okay.

- Okay. But that makes me feel like you're gonna kill me.

So let's find a balance in there.

Okay. Now you're just thinking pervy thoughts.

- [Larry] Oh gosh.

- So we need to find something

that your face can look like that isn't scary.

That doesn't give me bad dreams.

And doesn't make me feel like, all you want is sex.

- But that's all I want. - Is there a trick to that?

'Cause, you know, when you're on a date with a woman,

it's hard not to look down here and you don't want to,

cause you know, it makes them feel weird,

and you're trying not to,

but you just find your eyes going there.

Is there a trick to that?

- I actually think if you just look right through her.

- Okay.

- Right past.

Then you will be less in danger of looking down.

- But what if they're talking to you?

- That's good.

- No, not your eyes or lips.

- Look through.

- Your tiddies might be talking to 'em.

- Oh Jesus.

- Their tiddies aren't gonna be talking to you.

- You know what?

- Just right through their eyes, man.

- If you're that concerned,

you should just jack off before the date.

So your mind is clear.

- Hey man, can you write that down for me?

- How many times?

- As many as you feel will make you

a civilized member of society.

- I've been told if you do that and then you go on a date

and you still want to have sex with a person,

then you really like them.

- There you go.

- That's a real Christ.

- That's love. Okay.

- [Larry] That's romance. Yeah.

- Yeah. So remember that.

- You're so romantic.

- I'm just horny.

- Okay. Do we know about the cutlery situation?

- The fork goes on the left, I think.

- And when you have multiple forks,

you start on the outside and work your way in. Okay?

- Where do you see multiple forks?

- Well hopefully you've taken her somewhere nice.

So you're gonna have multiple meals.

You're gonna have your appetizer,

your entree, and then your dessert.

- Oh, Chinese buffet, you use the same fork

for everything you're eating though.

- Look, unless you plan on ending the night in the bathroom,

do not take your date to a Chinese buffet.

- I've been in the bathroom before,

it's kind of fun sometimes.

- Little crammy but you can still do it.

- Oh my word. All right.

So we start our meal,

some topics to maybe avoid, we've already discussed

the banging, your ex, your mom, probably your time here.

Because I mean, let's be honest.

Nothing to be proud of, right?

- I thought chicks dig guys in jail.

- That is up to you. That is-

If that's who you're looking for, that's fine.

- No talk time.

- It's really about the eyes, and the body language,

but remember not the creepy eyes.

- Bite your bottom lip.

- Is there a best color of eye to look for?

- Best color of eye?

- You just said it's all about the eyes and I don't know.

- Like, the look in the eyes.

- Okay. Looking at. All right.

- Yeah.

- So no eye color.

- No. No. Not a specific eye color.

So hopefully the date goes well,

you stayed away from those topics.

You're having nice time and let's talk about

the end of the night. Okay?

- Yeah. So, okay.

- Make sure you got your cardinals.

- Okay chair.

- Thank you.

- Push it back.

- That's great. So we're here.

- I like your, the lipstick's really, it's really.

- Whoa. Okay.

- Why'd you fucking kiss her?

- What the fuck?

- Easy there. Romeo.

- You know what? You go on a date.

Do whatever you gotta do. You're fucked either way.

- [Ricky] And just- - Horse wheels.

- Horse wheels. I do. That was me.

These probably aren't all me, but that was me.

- Why were you Googling that, horse wheels?

- Well, I was pretty baked,

and you know how they have horse shoes.

So I was wondering, you know,

if instead they had horse wheels

and then you could just roll your horse around.

It would save, you know, some of his energy.

And if you had to move him like in a tight area,

like especially if the wheels turned every way

you could just like, move them forward or sideways.

- What would you do? Would you like,

you mean like a set of casters?

You just screw gun them right to the bottom of the hooves?

- Yeah. Or I dunno if you'd screw gun them,

but like maybe Velcro.

So they're quick release or I don't know.

- So you want Velcro with some casters

onto a horse that you don't own?

Why were you thinking about this?

You don't even own a horse.

- I know, but would it make the horse faster?

Is another question, once you got the hang of it.

- Oh my fuck, Ricky.

- [Ricky] Kind of like roller skates, I guess.

But on a horse.

- What.

- Ricky.

- Why would you even think about that? Like I-

- Because I've been trying to come up with

one of those million dollar ideas.

And anyway, I couldn't find anything on it, so.

- You should start a Kickstarter campaign, Ricky.

Get horse wheels off the ground.

- What is that? How do you do that?

- I'll show you! Go on the internet

and you just put up your ID

and you ask people to give you money.

- Horse wheels. It's got a good ring to it.

- HorseWheels.com.

You gotta look for that one.

This is one here that- a pair of them, actually,

that kind of took me by surprise.

Why were you Googling "How to barbecue a Guinea pig?"

And then immediately after that,

"How to barbecue a porcupick."

- I've been doing a lot of researching lately.

You know, just trying to figure out different food,

alternative native foods.

So, you know, people don't have a lot of money.

There's all kinds of those things fucking around.

I just wanted to know if people have barbecued them

and if they have what they would use to make it taste good.

And if it tastes good, even in the first place.

Couldn't find a lot on it.

- So as an alternative food source,

you're recommending Guinea pigs and porcupines.

- Just throwing it out there. I don't know.

You've never heard of many people eating them before.

Maybe it's like-

- Did you barbecue one? Tell me the truth.

- Maybe it tastes like fucking KFC or something good.

- Tell me, did you barbecue a Guinea pig?

I need to know 'cause I use that barbecue.

- What's the right answer here, Bubs?

- [Bubbles] The truth, Ricky.

- The truth sometimes is not the best answer all the time.

I didn't, I did not barbecue a porcupick.

Put it that way. - You didn't?

Why would you want to though?

- But you barbecued a Guinea pig, then.

- Well, little Mo had a little Guinea pig,

got pretty fat and he died.

So I'm thinking, what do you do, bury him?

Or do you not waste him and make a meal out of him.

Didn't turn out so fucking good.

That's why, you know, I was trying to think,

- What did you have him with?

Did you have him with like some,

you know, like a jacket potato?

- Potato salad.

- You had a potato salad with Guinea pig.

- So you did eat a Guinea pig.

- Not the whole thing, no, 'cause

it wasn't fucking, very good. - Oh my fuck, Ricky.

- Did you pull him apart?

Like, you know, eat his little legs and stuff.

- The legs are just a bit smaller than like a chicken,

you know, when you get chicken wings

and they throw in little mini legs sometimes.

- They're a lot smaller man.

Like, Ricky.

- All right guys. Sorry for fucking trying out new foods.

- Do people actually eat Guinea pigs or porcupine?

Do they actually do that over the woods?

- They- actually, they do eat porcupine.

I did see that when I Googled it.

Didn't say anything about barbecuing the little fuckers,

but you can cook them. It's one guy roasts 'em in the oven.

- Ricky, if I catch you fucking barbecuing porcupicks

or Guinea pigs or any of that.

- That's probably why I'm sick, man.

- [Ricky] What about a squirrel?

- Probably sick because of that shit.

Like the Guinea pig, if it died, Ricky, it could have died

because it ate rat poisoning or something bad.

I mean, you just can't eat shit like that. It's dead.

- Didn't do anything to me.

- It'd be better if you killed it.

- Don't- why would you tell him that?

- I'm just saying, it could have died

from some fucking disease, man.

- You go to a pet store and fucking buy a couple Guinea pigs

and strangle them and throw 'em on the 'cue.

- Why don't you just go through a fucking drive-through?

And get a burger or something, man, for 99 cents.

- Cause that's plain and normal.

[peaceful music, seagulls calling]

[boat engine]

[indistinct yelling, swearing]

- Fuck off.