Original subtitles

- Warning.

The following program contains really coarse language, weed,

alcohol consumption, smoking, and sexual [mumbling].

This content may not be suitable for viewers under 18.

To activate parental controls,

please press the big go [beep] yourself button

on your remote control.

[slow piano music plays]

[music fades]

- [Bubbles] Canuck the crow flies off with knife

from crime scene in Vancouver.

- Yeah.

I think we talked about him. Didn't we?

- [Bubbles] Did we?

- I don't know.

That's it's a fuckin' brilliant guy, he's,

he fuckin' gets a baby pet crow,

trains it it's whole fuckin' life,

to pick up knives, as, you know.

Maybe has a dummy, he goes over and stabs it,

throws the knife,

and then he fuckin' trains the crow to come in

and grab it, pick it up,

no evidence.

- Now that's a premeditated murder right there.

That's like a, that's the best.

- [Ricky] Smart.

- That's just, I don't believe it.

- Boys that is fuckin' a terrible idea.

- [Julian] Well you don't wanna kill it.

- The whole future, depends on a crow,

whether you trained him well enough.

- I like to steal that crow and fuckin' have 'em

for my own though.

Get him, instead of knives, picking up knives,

like picking up my, my dope.

Cop pulls you over, fuckin' takes the dope outta

your pocket, puts it on the hood of your car.

Fuckin' crow, he jones swoops down. Grabs it.

No evidence.

Wonder how much a fuckin' crow like that would cost.

- I don't even think we can even buy them, man.

I think you just gotta go capture them.

- Huh?

- You couldn't just buy a crow, man.

That store Rick,

"Hi there, do you have

crow that could swoop down and take my drugs

when the police have me?"

- You could probably find a place that would import one

for you though,

from one of the crower, crower countries where it's not

illegal to, to buy a crow.

- A crower country.

Ricky, man. They're all over fuckin' North America.

- Croatia.

Grower of crows.

- [Julian] They don't grow crows, man.

- Croa- yeah. [laughs]

- That was a good one Rick.

- Croatia, get it?

- Yeah, I get it.

- Get it?

- I just don't find it funny, man.

- I do.

- And I'm baked right now.

[ Ricky laughing]

- Croatia.

- Aye, yeah.

- Nice one. Ricky.

- Thanks Bubs.

- Croatia. [chuckles]

- Okay.

Anything with not un-nude men?

- No.

- Either. So the guy on shit on a fuckin'

- I don't know, Ricky.

I'm just readin'

- [Julian] Let's not even talk about that one.

All right.

I found this guy who has a rare genetic condition.

He's 53.

He can run for 350 miles straight without stopping.

- [Ricky] Bullshit.

- Swear to fuck man.

- Car can't even do that.

- 350 miles?

- He just, he can go.

And the only reason why he stopped

is because he was falling asleep

as he was running and he kept going.

[Ricky laughing]

It was like on autopilot.

- No, you've read that in the Inquirer.

- No man. No, no, no.

This it's this dude right here.

- [Ricky] How's that? Your car can't do that.

If a car can't do it a man can't do it.

He's gonna need

- A car's machine. A car can fuckin'

- What do you mean your car can't go 350 miles?

- Not without fuckin' fuel.

The body's the same way. Doesn't I mean,

you don't eat gas, but you eat stuff that turns into gas.

That's why you fart.

[Ricky laughing]

- Ricky.

- And in this condition

he doesn't build up like lactic acid,

so his muscles don't get sore,

they just keep fuckin' going, it's pretty weird.

- That would be good. But does he eat while he's jogging?

He must need to put something into his body, no?

- See, I just want to back up here a second now.

- [Ricky] What?

- You know the gas that goes in a car is different than gas

you get from eating, right?

- Yeah. I know, I know.

Because you eat food, like if I eat this,

it takes anywhere from a few hours,

to maybe 20 hours and that's gonna be turned into,

well, what's in here, but also gas.

- But you know that's not the gas that goes in a car.

Right?

- I don't know. It's gas.

It burns it. Lights on fire.

The same as the gas you would put in a car lights on fire.

It's a, well,

it's different because liquid gas goes in a car.

This is gas gas that comes outta you, 'cause it doesn't,

it's not liquid.

But you light it, and it, it does light on fire.

- Okay. This is "yes" or "no."

"Yes" or "no" answer here, Ricky.

Do you have fuckin' chicken burgers or cheeseburgers

or any kind of food in your gas tank right now?

"Yes" or "no?"

- By gas tank, do you mean my stomach?

- [Julian] No. Your vehicle?

- No. No.

My car would not fuckin' be able to eat a chicken sandwich.

It doesn't have things that will break it down and turn it

into fuckin' gas like I do.

My car eats fuckin' liquid gas.

It eats it.

I wish you could fart into your tank and fill it up.

It'd be a lot cheaper, but,

- [Julian] Have you tried that?

- No, but now that I think about it, I am gonna fuckin' try.

I could be onto something there.

- You're not, Ricky, you'd need a car

that burns methane for fuck's sakes.

- You'd need a cap, that was self-sealing

so that when the gas went in,

it immediately sealed, it wouldn't come back out.

Like a propane tank that way.

it may not work in the car,

but I bet it would work for a fuckin' propane barbecue.

Take you a few weeks to get enough pressure built up.

- I've got three fuckin' explosion devices

that are gonna be fun as fuck.

So when you're done,

you should have one that looks like this,

one that looks like this,

and one that looks like this.

The maze'll start small,

and get to the fuckin' big daddy at the end.

It's the fuckin' funnest one out of the three.

Just take a bit of hairspray, doesn't matter what kind,

it all fuckin' works.

Little shot in there like that.

And you can just see.

[small explosion]

Ooh.

Yup.

[Ricky blowing]

Kinda cool. Kind of a little flame.

But the other thing you can do with this is

[can spraying]

put a little bit of that in there.

Put a little cup on it.

[cup hits ground]

It's kinda cool too.

Actually. It's kinda fuckin' lame,

but if you're a kid, it might be cool, I guess.

Now this one here is fuckin' fun.

You put a fuckin' tennis ball down there,

which I already did,

may or may not have put

some other shit in there.

Take your lighter fluid,

now you gotta fuckin' be careful with this shit

'cause you can blow yourself up pretty bad.

I've done it. It sucks.

You only wanna put a couple drops.

Actually that was way too much.

And then you wanna take it.

You wanna shake the fuckin' thing up.

Let all your gasses expand,

up into the other fuckin' things,

I forget what it's called.

Just take a little lighter.

[debris shattering]

Boom.

All right.

Now it's time to have some real fuckin' fun

with this piece of machinery.

Look at this goddamn thing.

So what you wanna do first is take a potato

that's bigger than this fuckin' pipe.

[potato mashing]

Ram some of that fuckin' thing in there like that.

Then you take a clearing stick

or a fuckin' broom or shovel

or whatever the else you can find.

Pack this fuckin' thing down like a musket.

Take your cap off.

Wanna hit this with a bit of hairspray.

[can spraying]

Put your cap back on.

And then I set up some targets here.

Got some cans, got some of the curvy chips.

We'll start with the cans.

[cans falling]

Holy fuck.

All right.

Didn't know that was gonna be that fuckin' powerful.

Fucked over some of my tools.

Fuck's sakes.

Fuck!

Well, that's why you have them all traced out,

so you know where the fuck they go

when shit like this happens.

Put a nice little dent

and fucked that over pretty good.

All right, let's try this again.

Shoot the fuckin' curvy chips.

[potato hits wall]

Holy fuck.

All right. I missed the curvy chips.

Fuck's sakes.

Put a fuckin' big dent in this.

Holy fuck!

That's something I didn't know.

I got fuckin' learnt today.

Potato cleans up these fuckin' boards.

So takes it right the fuck off there.

Sometimes even Ricky gets fuckin' learnt

in Getting Learnt with Ricky.

That's fuckin' awesome.

I was gonna get them to get me a new one of these,

but I guess I can just reuse that one.

[potato hits wall]

Fuck.

All right, I'm gonna try to get a better angle

on the fuckin' curvy chips

because I keep fuckin' over all my shit

in the back there, so

see if this can fuckin' hit them.

[potato hits wall]

What the fuck did that hit?

[potato hits box]

Fuck!

Ugh. Fuck the smell of this.

[potato hits curvy chips]

That was fuckin' awesome.

Look at the fuckin' damage.

Fuckin' blasted a hole right through the fuckin' thing.

Awesome.

What the fuck else can we shoot at?

[Ricky shoving items in tube]

[hairspray can spraying]

All right. Let's [chuckles] try it for the gasoline can.

[potato hits gasoline can]

Holy fuck that was awesome!

This thing's fuckin' powerful.

This is wicked.

All right, I will now attempt to shoot at a moving target.

[potato hits fan]

[sound effect plays in slow motion]

Wow. Did that ever get fucked over?

[Ricky laughing]

Awesome.

[fan makes unpleasant noise]

We've kind of blew the fuckin'

"onny/offy" switch off of it, so,

[fan stops]

Aw yeah, we fucked her good.

Now the other nice thing about this

is it's not a deadly weapon.

So if you get a dog that's fuckin' with ya,

you can blast one of these and teach 'em a little lesson

or you know, maybe somebody breaks in your home.

It's good to have one of these next to your bed.

So hear the fuckin' door open,

all of a sudden you pick up your little potato gun

and you're like, "Hey, who the fuck are you?"

[potato blasts dummy]

And you take this and use it as a weapon too.

You come over and say,

"Get the fuck outta my house you fuckin' asshole!"

So it's good for that too,

for self defenses and shit.

All right, one last one.

Just cause this is so fuckin' fun.

[potato blasts curvy chips]

Fuckin' awesome!

I fuckin' love this thing.

Well this has been Getting Learnt with Ricky.

I'm Ricky.

Hope you got learnt today on how the fuck

to shoot the shit outta shit.

[upbeat piano music plays]

When people won't let you fire off a fuckin' hand gun

in their fuckin' building 'cause

they're dick suckin' pokey-ass

[beep]

- You're such a fuckin' asshole.

Why today? Why do I have to fuckin' deal with you today?

Fuck's sakes.

- What the fuck's goin' on?

- Hey terry.

- Yeah. You're not sleeping, eh?

- Some days you wake up, you just feel like being a dick.

Today's one of those fuckin' days.

- Okay. Well I'll just be staying over here then.

- Woke up with this fuckin' thing.

Nothing worse than waking up with a piss boner in jail.

- Well you got two options.

You can fuckin' do a handstand over the shitter

or you can pop her down, man.

Just take five.

- Fuck you, fuckin' asshole.

[white noise plays over security camera]

I hate this fuckin' jail.

If we were at a real jail I'd have a toilet myself,

you wake up with a piss boner, you can get rid of it.

If you have to shit yourself, you can deal with it.

Not here you can do is piss in your toothpaste cup.

Good times.

So now I'm in a pissy mood. Ruined my whole fuckin' day.

[background noise plays over security camera]

What are we dealing with Terry?

- [Terry] Well, you're not gonna fuckin' like it one bit.

- Raisin "coebler" and fruit?

Ugh. Fuck this.

Billy.

I'm not eating this shit.

I want some fuckin' ice cream for breakfast.

- Can't have ice cream for breakfast.

- [Ricky] Why not?

- Well, first off I give the warden a meal plan.

Ice cream is not on it for breakfast.

Secondly, I'm a human being.

You don't eat ice cream for breakfast.

- I'm having some fuckin' ice cream for breakfast.

- [Billy] I don't know where you're gonna get it from.

- From you.

- [Billy] No, that's not how this works.

- Well maybe this is how it works.

Maybe my cock comes out, does it Billy?

- [Billy] Oh, for Christ.

- [Ricky] How about that? Huh?

[inmates groaning over security camera]

- Squid?

- Yep. Slides right through.

Yeah, you have to add it to the shake.

- Holy Christ.

I'll eat five of those if that's gonna clear me out.

- [Voice Offscreen] Hey.

- Is there any reason

Ricky is trying to serve beans and wieners to the boys

- [Voice Offscreen] It's like just wieners from here.

- Geez.

- Wow.

- That's actually not a bad size for a breakfast sausage

- Ricky!

- to be, truthful.

- [Ricky] Maybe I take some of this bread here

and just rub it all over my fuckin' cock.

- Flip that dick like a couple of hamburgers.

Gimme that.

Stay outta my kitchen.

- I don't know what it is with Ricky,

but ever since we've been little,

anytime somebody pisses him off.

The first thing his brain thinks,

"Take out your wiener and rub it on their stuff."

He's always been like that. I don't know what it is.

Julian thinks it's like a, you know,

like a dog marking his territory,

but I think Ricky just likes rubbing his wiener

and putting wiener flakes on people's stuff.

He's done it to me more times than I can count.

I remember I used to have a Steve Austin Bionic Man doll,

pissed Ricky off, wiener all over Steve Austin's face.

Ruined it.

- Get your dick away from my food.

No, no, no, not the fruit cups.

Not the fruit cups.

[inmates cheering for Ricky]

- For the love of fuck,

what's going on in here?

- What the hell?

- Jesus fuck Ricky!

- What the fuck? Put it away!

- I want some fuckin' ice cream for breakfast.

It's not going away until I get some.

- [Female Guard] Are you fuckin' kidding me?

Put your cock away. Jesus.

- I just want some fuckin' ice cream for breakfast.

Is that see much to ask?

- Yes, actually you're in jail.

- You gotta put the fuckin' dick away, Rick, please.

- I'll put it away when I get some fuckin' ice cream

for me and my friend Terry.

- [Terry] Right on.

- You're not having ice cream for breakfast,

but you know what, what I will do.

I'll roll up a piece of bread,

like a little cone that pops some oatmeal in it.

And you could use your imagination.

Like we're all imagining you're wearing pants right now.

- I want some real ice cream for me and Terry

or this isn't going away.

Now let's take it up a level.

I know what you guys drive.

Maybe you get your fuckin' tires slashed

in your parking lot.

You drive a white Prius. I know that.

And you got that fuckin' stupid IROC. Don't ya?

Don't you Ronnie?

- Nothing stupid about my IROC Rick.

It's, it's my grandfather's IROC.

- Oh yeah.

- They're in my family for fuckin' generations.

Now put your dick away. Please.

- I'll put the dick away,

but you guys have a simple fuckin' choice to make.

Either I get ice cream for breakfast

for me and my friend Ter,

or your fuckin' tires are getting slashed.

What's it gonna be?

- Oh. Holy Fuck that's good.

- [Terry] Fuck.

- That's what being a dick is all about.

Sometimes you win. Sometimes you lose.

Today, we won fuckin' won, Ter. Yeah.

- Oh, hold on, cheers man, right on.

Nice guys finish last. That's a fuckin' fact.

- Do they?

- Well today.

Right? Cause if you were nice, we wouldn't

- Oh yeah, yeah.

- Right, so, good job being a dick.

You're a good guy for that.

- Hey bud. They need the car.

Preston's calling for you.

We gotta get you outta there.

[Ricky snoring]

- Mhm?

- Julian needs to shoot.

They need the car for something.

So you gotta,

Preston wants you. He's on the walkie.

Yeah Preston. We got him.

He's up.

Well, he's passed out, but

- Are you fuckin kiddin'.

Like why do you guys work so fuckin' early, man?

People need to sleep.

This is fuckin' bullshit.

Where the fuck am I supposed to sleep?

Tell me that.

- I dunno, bud.

Maybe like in your own trailer.

I mean this car.

When we need to do a shot, we need to do a shot.

- This is fuckin' bullshit.

- Hey Ricky, you gotta get up.

I need that door.

- Hm?

- You gotta get up. I need to get that door.

- Ugh, fuckin' stupid fuckin' bullshit.

Fuckin' idiots.

[vacuum sucking loudly]

Are you fuckin' kidding me?

What the fuck is going on here? What are?

This is fuckin' bullshit.

Bubbles, this is fucked, man.

Those people have no fuckin' respect for me.

I'm trying to sleep. I haven't slept yet.

They have no respect for me. So today, guess what?

I have no respect for them. Let's get drunk as fuck,

Highest as fuck, and fuck around with them.

- I can't do that right now, Ricky.

The ugly guy with the beard told me

if I come up to the front and shoot a thing for them,

10 bucks, I get 10 bucks.

So I'm gonna go out and do that.

- You're shooting that right now?

- Pretty soon. Yeah.

- Where? Right up at the, the front gate.

- Up by Randy's shot.

Big fuckin' Randy shootin' his lips off,

came down to my shed

[loud music approaching]

and he was lucky to do, you know, whatever.

And I fuckin' said, "Come here, Randy, come here.

You big fuckin' walrus."

- [Ricky] Hey boys!

- Ricky!

- [Ricky] How's it going?

- Ricky I'm shooting a thing.

[rock music blares]

- Ricky.

- Can't hear ya bud.

- All right. We're shooting something.

You gotta go. You can't be here.

- Right on.

- We're shooting an actual bit,

and you just wrecked it.

- What Bubs?

- [Director] You're wrecking everything.

- He's just doing it. He can fuckin' hear you.

He's just doing it.

[Ricky laughing]

- Woo!

Yeah!

- [Director] Anyway, go ahead Bubbles.

- Well now like, do I just fuckin' start over?

- Oh, look. Yeah, start over.

- So I was down at my shed there and Randy came down,

shooting his lip off, all fuckin' pissed off.

And I said, "Come here, Randy, you fuckin' big walrus,

and I'll punch your tits right off."

[loud music approaching]

What's he doing?

[rock music blares]

- Can you guys tell me how to get to the,

how do you get down to where Bubbles lives?

You know, bubbles,

- [Director] Rick, you live right next door to them.

[Ricky laughing]

- [Bubbles] Ricky.

- [Ricky] Right Bubs?

- You're drinking and driving, are ya?

- I'm drivin' and drinkin' [laughs]

Well, I guess the whole crew's moved

inside Julian's bar now.

I'm not sure what they're shooting,

but I'm gonna fuck with 'em.

You ever see what happens when you go into place

and fire a gun off, they're not expecting it?

It's fuckin' hilarious.

- [Ricky] How's everybody doing?

[gun fires multiple shots]

[people scream]

- [Director] Ricky? What the fuck is wrong with you, man?

Get the fuck outta here with your guns. Julian?

- [Julian] Are you kidding me?

Shooting up in the fuckin' bar?

- [Ricky] Thought it was kinda funny, man.

- [Julian] Ricky, don't be fuckin' shooting guns off.

- [Ricky] Sorry to wreck your fuckin' stupid TV show!

- [Julian] I've got customers in here!

- Ricky, I am here with a childt. You know what I'm sayin'?

You don't walk in no place firin' a handgun

when there's little childt up in this map right quick?

- I'm just trying to make a point.

You guys are gonna fuck around with me

while I'm trying to sleep?

I'll fuck around with you.

- Hell my Christ.

- [Ricky] Fuckin' idiots.

- [J-Roc] Bitch ain't smart.

- Am I fuckin' around with your fuckin' sleep?

- See the thing is when someone fucks with ya,

they disrespect ya, then ya gotta fuck with them

5 or 10 times as much as they fuck with you.

It's the only way they're gonna get learned a lesson.

So I heard they're trying to shoot

this little thing with Lahey,

and apparently sound's the big thing.

Oh, don't up our precious fucking sound.

[Ricky speaking into a megaphone]

Oh, they called it action, did they,

were they you shooting something

with Mr. Lahey, are you guys?

Was I just botherin' ya?

Can you hear this or,

this isn't screwing things up is it?

It's got a little siren thing too.

I don't know if that's gonna fuck things up just to say

- [Director] We're rolling over here.

[siren wailing]

Oh for fuck's sake.

- Sorry guys. That's, does that fuck the sound up, or?

- [Director] What's your deal?

- Just hanging out here guys. I can't sleep for some reason.

You know, people waking me up and just thought,

come down here and hang out for the day and,

just talk to you guys and,

hang out, maybe have a few drinks.

- [Mike Smith] And first of all, gimme this.

- Hey, you're Mike Smith. I know you.

- Yeah. This is our megaphone.

- No, I found this in the woods.

I was going to just hang out with her for the day.

- Found it in the woods, did ya.

Here, listen, I'll make you a fucking deal.

[megaphone beeps repeatedly]

How do you shut this fuckin' thing off?

- [Director] Gimme that fuckin' thing. Cocksucker.

- See, I think people could learn stuff from me.

There's a really good life lesson there.

People fuck with ya?

You fuck back with them five times as much,

and look what happens.

Next thing you know, you're in a fuckin' hotel room

with 24 beer and a half bucket of chicken.

That's how ya fuckin' do things.

- What's the difference between donkey and a mule?

- Number of legs. No.

- One looks like your mother,

and the other one looks like his mother.

- Number of legs?

[Ricky laughs]

- Yeah, no, that's a different thing altogether.

[Ricky laughs]

A donkey

is

made from a horse

and a cow?

[Ricky laughs]

- A horse and a cow, man?

- Yeah.

- No.

Okay, no, it's a mule is between a,

a donkey fucks,

a

full?

- [Bubbles] A what?

- A baby horse.

And it turns into a donkey.

Or a mule.

Fuck, boys. I don't remember. just tell me what it is.

I've learned it before.

- You said a donkey's made from a horse and a cow.

- Right?

- And then that donkey.

- Fucked a

baby horse,

and makes a mule?

- Yeah, you got it, Ricky.

That's exactly right.

- Perfect.

People fuckin' say I'm not smart.

They can fuck themselves.

[Ricky sighs]

Got anything else for me?

- I don't know, man.

It's hard to fuckin' see this screen.

- I can't even fuckin' believe that my picture's

on this and I'm not seeing one fuckin' cent.

I do love that Cyrus is riding a big giant,

cock horse.

- The Republic of Moldova.

They've got the highest liquor consumption

out of any place in the entire fuckin' world.

I wanna go there.

- That tennis player was from there. Wasn't she?

Martina Maltova?

The nice breastage?

- What?

Martina Navratilova. Is that her name?

- I don't man.

- [Julian] It's not Maltova, man.

- Okay. Sorry. The prince of Maltova, what?

What did, I don't even know what you said.

All I heard was Maltova.

- You guys are baked outta yourgoddman minds.

- [Julian] No Shit.

- [Ricky] Yes.

- I just don't, I don't even wanna look at,

I don't wanna read.

- Just tell me one more time. I'm ready.

I'm gonna eat my chicken and I'm gonna listen.

- All right, I'm done, man.

I'm totally done.

I don't even know what I was talking about.

[Bubbles laughing]

- I thought you said something

about the prince of Malto.

- No, I said there's a place called

the Republic of Maltova.

- Oh, wow. So that's all we learned.

- No they drank the most booze that of anybody

in the world in this small place.

- Bull fucking shit.

- Well, yeah, they're saying it's like 14 liters,

a year that's not a lot.

- 14 liters a year

- [Julian] Straight alcohol.

- We drink, fuck,

- 14 Liters? Jesus Murphy.

- On average, on average.

- A year?

Fuck. At least a couple liters a week for me.

- In Canada they say it's like 13 or something.

13 or 14 liters.

- A year?

- Yeah.

- That can't be right.

- No. 10

- I'd like them to find

[crosstalk]

- Just do Nova Scotia.

I bet it would be yeah, at least 14 liters a month.

- [Julian] Oh it's way more than that.

- I mean, is that hard liquor or is that beer?

- [Julian] That's pure liquor.

- If it's beer it's 800 liters a year.

- I don't fuckin' know, man.

I don't wanna, this seems,

this is too much work right now.

- Boys. I gotta go feed my kitties.

What the are you doing here, Lahey?

- Jesus Christ.

- [Lahey] Merchandising. Are you boys?

- Nope. Nothing to see here, bud.

- Just mindin' our own business, actually.

- I hear there's a little, little freebie going on today.

- Little. What?

- Freebie.

- Cheers boys.

- You, you owe me five bucks,

and I'm getting it.

[soft piano music plays]

- I'll deduct it from your lot fees.

You're looking real pretty boy.

- That's a weird thing to say.

- All right now I'm going.

- Yeah, me too.

- [Corey] Hey what's up? Can I come hang with you?

- Corey?

- Jesus.

- Are you fuckin' kidding me? I got shit to do today.

- [Corey] Okay.

- Later man.

- Tune in next time when,

something cool happens.

[soft piano music plays]

[birds chirping]

[fish chanting "oh fuck"]

[narrator whispers "fuck off"]