Original subtitles

- [Narrator] Warning.

The following program contains really course language, weed,

alcohol consumption, smoking, and sexual inferences.

This content may not be suitable for viewers under 18.

To activate parental controls,

please press the go self [beep] yourself

button on your remote control.

[tranquil music]

- I'm serious.

You need to shut the fuck up.

- Rick.

What's that gonna do, kicking it?

- It fucking tells it to shut up.

And then it's like, okay, if I don't shut up,

I'm gonna keep getting kicked, so maybe I better.

- And it actually worked well.

- Of course it worked, fucking appliances.

They'll fuck with you and act hard.

But if you with them back hard enough, they'll be like,

all right, you're fucking gonna win,

so I'm gonna back off.

That's what they're saying.

- No, Ricky.

Hang on now, You don't think that appliances

think that when you kick them do you?

- They have computers in them

that do all the thinking for them, but yes.

There's all kinds of sensors and shit we don't know about.

- But do you think it's consciously going

oh that son of a whore, he gonna kick me is he?

Like that type of thinking?

- Well, the fridge for example,

was making a noise and then I went over and kicked it.

So I had to fucking take all that information and go

fuck, what do we do here?

And while it was doing it, it just kept running.

So by the time I figured it out,

I gave it a second and third kick and then that right away

was like, okay, sense danger.

And it said, fuck shut her down boys.

- So it's got sensors for that, huh?

- No, but he thinks that the sensors are thinking things.

- Think I know, 'cause he's fucked.

- Let's talk about something else then guys.

- I'm not even gonna try to explain how-

- Let's listen to all the exciting,

wonderful things that you guys have to say.

- No, I think this is fascinating actually.

- Well thank you Bubbles.

- You think appliances are,

- Thank you Bubbles.

- so you think really if that fridge had arms and legs,

you think he could up and walk around

and think.

- If you gave it the option, maybe it would, yeah.

- Oh my God.

- But that's why they probably

don't put the fucking things on 'em.

'Cause we don't want a goddamn real Terminator on our hands.

- Ricky, that is so fucked man.

That, I can't listen to any more of this shit.

- I can.

- That's probably like,

and now with cars they're putting all this

fucking crazy shit. - So you think that fridge

is just one degree

away from becoming a Terminator?

It's arms and legs and a few other things away, yes.

I mean, fuck, imagine that thing coming at you.

- Yeah, serving you cold drinks.

- Open his door and fucking wack you

as you're going by, all kinds of fucking sneak attack shit.

Flood you with cold air.

- Rick, I mean, I don't even know what to say man.

- Well let's talk about something else then guys.

- I'm too fucked up to be,

I can't even process what you're saying.

- You have to admit that these are fucking good drugs

we're on these days.

- Well yeah but I mean,

you're talking about a fridge turning into the Terminator

and I'm actually envisioning the whole fucking thing.

- Now I am too.

- No, but that's how it starts.

What's gonna take over the world is cars.

'Cause they're putting too many

fucking smart things in them now.

The cars eventually gonna say, okay,

I've got so much smart shit in me now

that I don't have to listen to you anymore fuck brains.

Won't even let you in.

And it can move around.

Once they start teaming up, they can fucking run you over.

- They're not gonna team up on you man.

- Fucking big dump truck shows

up to your house and just takes the house down.

- That could, we should write a movie.

That's what we should do.

Car, cars that take over the world.

- Yeah, I kinda like it.

The transformers, something like that kind of a deal

except they don't transform.

- Maybe it's already been done.

- They're not, there's no way man.

- All right.

- I agree the cars are fucked these days.

They need to start, we need to have cars like,

you know, back in the eighties.

Those are the cars you can work on.

- That's true.

- You know what I'm saying?

All these sensors and shit.

- Well maybe Ricky,

maybe there's something to what he's saying.

Maybe they are thinking a little too much, the sensors.

- See I'm telling you boys,

these drugs make you smarter.

- You're starting to freak me out.

- They just get you paranoid, that's what they do.

- These drugs are making me smarter.

- I'm gonna keep my head on a swivel

around those new fancy cars.

- I would.

- You don't have to worry about that.

Holy fuck.

- I got a lot of fucking money coming at me today.

Like some serious fucking cash.

'Cause you know, it's not the easiest thing

to make good money in jails.

But being an entrepreneur,

taking the advice of Warren Buffet, you gotta find the need.

And what I've got right now is the need.

People need what I have to fucking offer.

So I'm gonna capitalize on that

and make some serious fucking cash.

- Fuck, this one's leaking a little.

- Oh dear man.

Don't cross it over my arm when I'm collecting money.

- Sorry Bob.

This a really good idea you came up with.

Like how you fucking do it?

- Try not to fucking get a fucking hole in it.

- You got any piss for collection there Freddy?

- Yeah.

- Bubbles?

- Nope.

- I got a couple bags.

- Here I got 'em, I got 'em, I got 'em.

- All right, gimme some cash.

- Hold on, I got one more, one more.

- One more, Jesus Christ Freddy.

- Oh, you've been going hard eh?

- What the fuck man?

Show a little bling here.

All right, you want a fresh bag?

- Yeah.

- Bubs.

- What?

- You don't get any bags?

- Nope.

- What do you mean no?

- Nope, nothing Julian.

I've been holding it.

- Are you sure, I can loan you the fucking money.

- I, it's not about the money Julian.

I can't pull my unit out and hold it

over a fucking plastic bag.

- Bubs, just here.

Take this one.

You'll get me back later.

If you need to use it, use it.

- I don't need to use it.

I'll wait for the pipes to be fixed.

I have no fucking way to prove it.

But if I was a betting man,

I guarantee you fucking Julian plugged

those pipes on purpose.

Just to try to make few bucks off people.

But a fucking heads up would've been nice

because I am fucking clogged solid here.

And I'm not the type of person

that can just pinch one off in a grocery bag.

That takes a certain type of person.

- What do you got?

Here, I'll grab her.

Here.

Oh, those are full.

- Fucking easy on the bags, Darren.

- So I, I get rid of them, I get 10%, right?

- You get 10%, yes you do.

- Sweet.

- All right, one hit.

Is this the strong stuff?

- No man.

[laughing]

[coughing]

- Good luck buddy.

- Jesus.

- He just spit in your car.

- Hey man.

- Did I?

- Don't spit on my car.

- Screwdriver.

Ricky.

Okay focus, Bubbles.

Focus, you got a job to do here.

Focus, stay focused. - Fuck is he doing?

- [Group Member] This is fucked up.

- Boys, what was I doing?

- Laundry.

[laughing]

- Haha, laundry's hilarious.

Put your clothes in the machine.

- What the fuck are we supposed to do?

- We've got to get 22 bottles of crab shampoo.

Holy fuck.

- 22.

- All right you pinchy little bastards.

It's the end of the line for you guys.

- Oh no, no.

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

Oh my God, don't panic Bubbles.

Don't panic.

Oh my God, it's stuck.

It's stuck, it's stuck.

Oh my God, I can feel 'em.

Oh my God.

Help me get naked.

Help me get naked, they're going for my bird.

- Fuck off.

- They're going for my bird.

- Calm the fuck down mate, there's kids in here.

[Bubbles hyperventilating]

Calm the fuck down!

- All right, man.

You go get the shit, I'm waiting here.

- No, no, no.

I had nothing to do with the fucking crabs.

I'm not going in there to buy that shit.

What if Lucy saw me?

- Fine.

Too big to do this shit, man.

- You've changed Julian.

- Shut up man, no I haven't.

- Can I help you find something.

Sir?

- Tooth, toothpaste.

And it's,

it's not toothpaste.

- Squish.

Fuck you clouds.

Squish.

- I fucked up.

You need to go in there and get it.

I told you I can't be seen buying that shit.

- Well here, put this on

and say I got bad allergies or something.

- No.

- Listen, you're the one that promised Bubbles, not me.

- Jesus Christ.

Fine.

If I'm gonna do this, fucking doing it my way.

- What are you doing?

- Be right back.

[banging]

Everybody put up their fucking hands and freeze.

Hello?

I'm not here to hurt anybody.

I want some fucking crab shampoo

and some of those pills help make your feenus get bigger.

Move!

- Feenus?

- Fuck, what kind of [mumbling]

you don't know what a feenus is?

Move, move.

Hurry the fuck up Quincy.

- Here's your box of shampoo.

- And your pills to make your feenus get bigger.

Look, we understand if you're embarrassed by this stuff.

Lots of people are.

Just don't hurt us.

- Embarrassed?

I don't get embarrassed.

The shampoos from my friends

and the pills are for my fucking daughter,

you lab coat dummy.

- Just take that.

- Don't fucking move.

[sirens wailing]

Cops, fuck.

- Get us outta here.

Fuck.

- What the fuck.

I guess it wasn't for us.

- Shouldn't touch me.

'Cause you're gonna get things on you.

You're gonna regret it.

Telling you they're gonna be crawling all over you.

Fuck's sakes.

- I'll show you to make another bird feed.

Take your little drink bottle here.

Take your drill.

You wanna get some holes in this fucking thing.

Fucking thing.

- Fuck off.

All right, so you get a little perch in there like that.

You have one on each side.

You can actually put four through there,

but you wanna keep it like this

and you wanna cut a little hole right

above a little thing for the little birds to

stick their fat fucking heads

in so they can get at the fucking seed.

Fuck off.

So a hole, I don't know, kind of like that so you can just.

Different birds get their different

types of heads in there.

Some birds have fat heads, some have skinny heads,

some have little beaks, big beaks.

Some of 'em can't even fucking fly.

So they're gonna have trouble getting up here.

Well, a piece of plastic fell in there, but it's pretty big.

I think it's too big for a bird to eat.

So we're just gonna leave it in there.

Normally your thing wouldn't be all covered in peanut butter

and shit, but I don't have a fucking sink

back here to get cleaned up.

And maybe you could fucking

put one of those in at some point.

Fucking idiots.

All right, so once you have that thing built,

you wanna take your little

fucking funnel device so that seed doesn't go everywhere.

And you start pouring.

Okay, well that didn't work as good as I'd hoped.

'Cause the fucking,

fuck's sakes.

So that's not working out as well

as it probably normally would but.

You could build a funnel with your hand actually like this.

It's working pretty good.

No, it's not really.

Fuck.

Jesus Christ.

Actually, yeah.

It's probably easier to put the seed in through the bigger

holes and just, just figure that out.

See I'm even I'm getting learned on

getting learned with Ricky today.

Got little tricks you can fucking do with the bird feeds.

All right, so that's pretty good right there.

I don't know what fuck the that is.

But a bird you could see,

you could perch down on this, like this

and go, hey, look at this shit.

Put his little head and beak in there and go peck peck

and fucking get stuffed.

- Ladies is the gentlemen.

We're pleased to have you here today

as I bring you the word of the Lord

straight from the mouth of Ricky Brown.

Ricky Brown.

Motherfucking naked for the Lord.

Listen, lot of times we wake up

on the wrong side of the bed.

And we're ready to slap our neighbor in the face.

We don't wanna do that today.

No we don't.

We want to welcome our neighbor into our house.

Especially if they bringing some free food.

That's besides the point, come on into the house.

Invite your neighbor into the house today because loving

our neighbor is today's lesson.

Shit man.

Shit.

That's all the time we have today.

I'm Ricky Brown,

I wanna thank you for joining us on the uplift [murmuring].

Please join us next week when we have a new organist and a,

mother, Goddamn this shit man.

Ricky Brown sometimes gets a lot of

compliments and a lot of respect for how he

respects and accepts other people.

But the way Ricky Brown sees it is it came to him while

eating the bowl of fruit loops.

You know, many times I didn't really,

I didn't want to eat the green fruit loops in the bowl.

And I would pick out the green fruit loops.

And I realized that I spent a lot of my breakfast time just

picking out green fruit loops.

And it wasted my whole morning.

And I realized it that's much like life.

I don't wanna pick out the green fruit loops all the time.

Or my whole mornings will disappear.

If morning was life, then my whole morning will be gone

spent on picking out a fruit loop instead, you know,

once they went soggy with milk

in them it all tastes the same anyway.

It's just how you look at them.

So Ricky took that bowl of fruit loops in there.

Now he eats the Cheerios.

Says the Cheerios is all one, one size and one shape

but it's all the same thing.

And I realize now I don't even need to look at the Cheerio.

I just eat them.

And that's how Ricky Brown feels about people.

Most people anyway.

Unless you fuck with Ricky Brown,

Ricky Brown won't treat you like a green fruit loop

and pick you outta the bowl.

He'll put you in the palm with his hand

and crush you to a fine powder.

[harmonica playing]

- That's the work all day song.

- Go Randy.

- Okay.

- Ladies and gentlemen, welcome.

Let's do it.

- Oh, I work all day in Sunnyville.

My walky by my side.

I'm picking up trash in the playground,

then taking my bike for a ride.

- That's great, Randy.

- All right Mr. Leahy.

- Yeah.

- The Randy with Leahy show sounds good.

- Okay.

- Now we're gonna do our cooking segment.

Check this out.

I got everything going right over here everybody.

I am cooking today something very special.

Mr. Leahy you're gonna love this.

Have you eaten yet?

- No Randy.

I've been waiting all day for it,

to taste your wonderful culinary.

- I love it.

Okay, so what I've done is I'm cooking the Randy Bobandi

breakfast burgers right now.

Okay, now I pre-cooked the burgers

because it takes a little bit of time

to make sure that the burgers are the right temperature.

I got my handy dandy spatula

with a little thermometer on it.

You just press it on meat and you put it in and it,

you gotta make sure your burgers are cooked

proper temperature, everybody.

Otherwise you'll get that salmonella

or whatever they call it.

Salmon.

- We know him.

Sam, the caveman.

- Okay, it's going up Mr. Leahy, 115.

And once it gets up high to the well done,

can you hear the sizzle.

- Shoot, can I listen?

Listen to this.

- Mr. Leahy don't get too close.

- Wait, wait.

You can hear the shit sizzle Randy.

Burger time with chef Randy.

- This is it.

They're they're well done.

The thermometer says it's good.

So then what you do, you get your burgers.

You cook. 'em nice.

You get a nice sear on each side.

- Yeah.

- Like that.

- Everybody knows that. - These are good.

These burgers are the best,

better than going to the drive through Mr. Leahy.

Then you gotta take the cheese.

- Yeah.

- And you put the cheese on each burger

and let it start to melt.

Now, I pre-cooked some bacon.

And this, Mr. Leahy, turkey bacon.

- Is that?

- Two different types of meat.

- Why would you have turkey?

- Because turkeys-

- There's no fucking thing as turkey bacon Randy.

- Turkeys make bacon.

- Turkeys make turkey meat Randy.

Bacon's bacon.

- We just gotta heat that up.

Look, cheese is melting right, nice.

Now you put your bun in the toaster, okay?

And you turn it down.

You turn it down low.

You don't want toast, you don't want

to toast the shit out of the bun.

Then you get your eggs

and take your eggs out for probably half hour first.

'Cause then the shell will crack nice and easy.

Okay?

- Look, you just, here's how you crack it.

- No, no.

Mr. Leahy, this is my cooking show.

Don't, okay.

You do one, but be gentle Mr. Leahy, gentle.

- Here's how they do it in [mumbling].

Boink like this.

- You, you cracked the yolk Mr. Leahy.

- I like mine cracked.

- That's your fricking burger for frick's sakes.

- No it isn't.

- It is.

Here, no, give me this.

No no no, let go.

Mr. Leahy, you're too drunk to be cooking burgers.

How drunk are you?

- Just a four out of ten for me.

- Talk about the man that drove

870 miles to get KFC from Yellow Knife.

- 870 miles.

- [Ricky] Yep.

- From where to where?

- Somewhere in Yellow Knife to get KFC

for his fucking wedding anniversary,

which is kind of romantic.

I've done it before.

Actually I drove further than that.

- When?

- I don't know, 10 years ago.

Lucy wanted fucking chicken Christmas day.

I had to go to four provinces

before I fucking finally found one that was open.

For some reason most of the KFCs closed on Christmas day.

Like I would say a lot of people

would probably eat that on Christmas day.

- Is that why you disappeared on Christmas day that year?

- [Ricky] Yep.

- You didn't get back until after boxing day, Ricky.

- No, it was a, yeah I was gone two and a half days.

But I fucking got the chicken didn't I?

- I didn't know you were on a chicken run.

- 48 barrels.

- That's a lot of chicken.

- I remember wondering why the fuck did he buy so much.

- I had to get an extra deep freeze.

I had chicken for fucking almost nine months.

- And it's in buckets, not barrels Ricky.

- They're buckets of chicken.

- What did I say?

- Barrels.

- No, you can get, you can get barrels now.

- At KFC?

- Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

- You can't buy a barrel from KFC.

- I'm pretty sure you can.

The buckets are about that high and it's got like 700.

- [Ricky] That would be fucking awesome.

- 700 piece feast or something it's called.

- Oh my fuck.

See, there's another great idea.

They should be sponsoring us.

- A barrel of chicken .

- Barrel of chicken.

$279.

- Can you imagine what the chicken would look like at the

bottom of the barrel?

It'd be fucking-

- Crispy, you'd get extra crispy parts at the bottom.

- It'd be fucking grease man.

- Nope, you'd layer it.

- Disgusting.

- You'd layer it with recycled pizza boxes.

That might work a little bit but I don't know, man.

A barrel of chicken would be-

- Barrel of chicken would be awesome.

- How many pieces would it be?

- Oh, it would have to be.

- How many's in a bucket?

Bucket, there's what like 20, 24?

- 20, you can get a 20 piece bucket.

- [Ricky] Yep.

- Standard bucket.

You can drive 20 indoor.

- It'd have to be.

- It would have to be, oh,

it's well over a thousand pieces.

- Oh man.

- [murmuring] over a thousand pieces.

- That would be fucking awesome.

I bet you have to wait, you couldn't go through

drive through and pick up something

like that though I wouldn't think.

- Fred Flintstones could.

But when they set it on the car, you'd tip over.

[laughing]

- Remember?

Remember Fred Flintstones?

He was fucked wasn't he?

- He was fucked.

- Not as fucked as Bernie.

- Bernie was fucked.

Little short Bernie with his big nose.

- Bernie kind of reminds me of Randy.

Think about it just a little, you know?

- Yeah, if you pulled Bernie's little,

you know, jungle man top down to there.

He had a big, you know, boy like Randy.

- I don't really have much left.

- Oh yeah, I was gonna have a little contest.

Okay, if you have a pencil.

- [Ricky] I do.

- You started drawing a line.

- Yeah.

- How far will that line line go until it runs out?

The winner gets a bottle of this.

- What?

- You have a pencil drawing the line, okay.

- Yeah.

- How far until it runs out, the pencil.

- Depends on the fucking kind of pencil.

- Oh, for fuck's sakes Bubs.

It's a pencil, it's just a normal fucking pencil.

- Yeah, but it depends if it's-

- How hard do you press it?

- How hard you press it, whether it's a 5H or a 2B.

- Okay.

- Is it from the dollar store or is it from?

- Is it a carpenter's pencil?

- Nevermind.

Nevermind, nobody gets this. - Two miles.

- Nope, not even close.

- How far?

- I just wanna know 'cause.

- I don't give a fuck anymore.

I do not give a flying fuck anymore.

- What's this stupid answer?

- I'm not telling you the answer.

- Oh fuck, are you serious?

People gonna be fucking pissed about that, man.

- Well, you guys wanna be dissed, I'm done.

- Well, I'm not talking about [mumbling]

- You know what it is?

It was a trick.

He doesn't know the answer 'cause it can't be figured out.

- I know what the answer is.

- The answer can't be figured out.

- I know what the answer is.

- The answer probably was depends.

Depends on all the things we said.

So we got right answer.

- The right answer is 31 miles or something like that, okay?

Those guys can suck it.

- Julian!

He's not gonna tell us.

[serene music]

[fish swearing]