Original subtitles

- [Ricky] Warning.

The following program contains

really coarse language, weed, alcohol consumption,

smoking, and sexual inferences.

This content may not be suitable for viewers under 18.

To activate parental controls, please press the big

go #*##*# yourself button on your remote control!

[serene piano music] [children playing]

- Don't be a dick.

- I'm not being a dick.

Jesus Christ, he's sleeping on a handgun.

Here, just wait.

- Are you kidding me?

- Well I don't wanna startle him for fuck's sake.

Ricky.

[Ricky groans]

Ricky.

[gun falls, gunshot]

- Jesus Christ!

Jesus Christ, Ricky!

- Would you stop falling asleep

on handguns you stupid idiot?

You kidding me?

- Why would you use a fucking handgun as a pillow?

- I thought the fucking safety was on.

I must have turned it off in my sleep.

I thought someone was fucking

coming in the trailer last night.

Is that my fucking donair from last night?

Nice.

[Ricky chuckles]

- Ricky-

- Don't you love it when you wake up and you forgot

to eat something and then it's still there

and you can eat it for breakfast?

Love it.

- [Julian] That looks disgusting, man.

- Bubby!

You got me a beer.

Good man.

Starting to figure out the way I operate.

- I didn't pour you, that's been sitting there

since last night and I think you were

using it as an ashtray too.

- Yeah, that's fucking warm.

Wait a second, okay, no, I remember this now.

I fucking came up with some things

for this last night when I was fucked.

- You did?

- Is this it?

Oh yeah.

Yeah.

[Ricky chuckles]

- You got some things to talk about?

- We'll just leave that right there.

- I got a couple things to talk about.

- Maybe we should talk about Ricky's stuff first.

- Nope.

- Why not? - I wanna save it.

- You wanna save it, why?

- I don't remember what it is-

- Can you fucking put this somewhere

it's not pointing right at me?

- There we go, whoa.

No.

There we go.

- Ricky.

- In the corner.

- No seriously, like Bubs, your ideas

weren't that great last week.

Maybe we should let Ricky try this, man.

- All right, fine.

- Fucking cold donair.

Even with the cheese, which is now hardened.

- Ricky, that thing's gonna stop your heart dead.

- Pretty fucking good.

Speaking of that, boys.

I've been thinking.

We need to probably slow it down a bit.

We've been partying too fucking hard.

- What do you mean "we"?

- We haven't been partying too hard.

- Well we're waking up the fuck passed out

at tables and all over the fucking place.

- Who is?

- Just us as a group.

We gotta slow it down.

- No, you're the one getting fucked up, man.

We're getting a good buzz on.

You're getting totally fucked.

- I haven't been passing out on tables.

I haven't passed out since last month.

- All right.

Okay, with a couple bites of donair.

Couple drinks of warm beer.

Little gunshot.

- [Bubbles] Okay Ricky, let's hear.

- You seriously want me to start?

- Yes.

Well he said.

- You do one and I'll do one.

- Okay, go for it Bubs, whoever.

Let's just get this going.

- Okay, I'd like to give a space update.

- Oh fuck. - Oh fuck.

- Are you kidding me?

- What do you mean?

- An update from space.

Something big's happening in space right now.

KIC 8462852.

You know the big star they found?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Well it's 1,500 light years away from us.

In-between the Cygnus and Lyra constellations.

- God.

- And there's something in front of it, Ricky.

Something keeps moving in front of it

like this blocking the light.

- What are you talking about?

- There's a fucking star, like way the fuck out there.

The scientists are looking at it, but they notice

something's been moving in front of it.

Not in a orbit.

Not in a regular, it's just been erratically

doing this, so it could be a big ship.

- Well you know what?

I do believe in aliens.

I've seen weird things in the sky where I thought

it was just my buzz on, but maybe it's just

somebody fucking jumping in front of it.

Doing jumping jacks.

- Oh my fuck, Ricky.

- No, but Ricky, I'm talking about

a fucking star bigger than our sun.

- Right.

And something's moving in front of it.

It's not a guy jumping.

- I know, but it's so far away that all you'd have to do,

I mean you could put your finger up

like that and block the light.

Right?

Half of it.

If you had a telescope right here and you put

your finger in front of it, what's happened there,

if you just move your finger around, it's jumping.

- You would never see that.

- You would never ever see that, Ricky.

It's impossible.

If you were up-

- So you're fucking telling me that this star

1,500 miles away, fucking something's

dancing around in front of it?

- Like a big Death Star.

- It's 1,500 light years away, Ricky.

- [Ricky] 15, whatever the fuck.

- Do you know what a light year is?

Can you even comprehend how fucking far that is?

- Explain it to me.

Once you tell me I never forget.

- Okay, wrap your fucking brains around this one.

- Okay.

- Here's how far a light year is.

- Oh my God, okay Bubs, how far is it?

- Light travels at about 380,000 kilometers a second.

- Bullshit.

- Something like that.

It's in the hundreds of thousands.

- Yeah.

- So a light year is the distance that the light

can travel in a whole year going that fast.

How far are you gonna get?

- A lot.

- Yes, a lot.

So just one of those.

- [Ricky] Yep.

- Is a light year.

The fucking known universe

is 93 billion of those across, Ricky.

- That's-

- So they say.

Has anyone ever fucking gone from point A to point B?

- [Bubbles] No.

- Right.

- Oh my god, Ricky.

- Definitely not, but they can see it

with their eyes and measurements.

- Right.

- Oh, so now you're gonna tell me it's not...

- Bubs.

- Fuck, it could be a bunch of mirrors

and shit floating around or asteroids

with mirror, just like a mirror ball,

and it's just, they don't fucking know.

It's fucking up their readings.

[Julian sighs]

- Bubs, why do you even, this is what I'm talking about.

You throw shit like that-

- What are you trying to tell me here?

What is this really trying to fucking say?

- It's saying that there's something out there

moving around that's defying the laws of physics.

It's not in orbit, it looks like

it's made by an intelligent species.

- How fucking big is this supposed dancing object?

- Big.

Big, if it's block, it says it's blocking out

22% of the light, and that's bigger than what

Jupiter would block out, so it has to be-

- So you're trying to tell me there's

a ship bigger than fucking Juniper?

- Maybe.

- [Ricky] That is fucked.

- I'm just saying that's a theory.

- My theory is it's a fucking 900 foot alien.

[serene piano music] [children playing]

- Hey, what's going on?

I'm in the park here today.

Got the fucking day off, the camera people

aren't gonna be following me around,

so I thought I'd give a little tour of the park.

Nobody gets to...

- How you doing, bud?

We're ready for Ricky over here.

Do you know where he is?

- Well I think he's at the hotel sleeping.

- Copy, standby.

Can you go get him?

We need him for this.

We're ready to shoot and he's not around.

- It's not my job to go get him.

I'm supposed to be, I'm doing a thing here.

I'm giving a tour.

- Well you're kind of three of the same guy, right?

So you guys need to go and get him

and bring him back in here.

We need to shoot soon too, right?

- Well I was gonna give a tour of the park

and why do you need him anyway?

It's nice and peaceful here right now.

[tires screeching]

Right on, Donnie!

Fucking Donnie ready to strap.

- Idiot.

Because we need to shoot.

We have to shoot the show.

Things have to happen.

- Well what if I say no?

- What do you think I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna say no fucking liquor like I always do

and you're gonna say oh for fuck's sake

and you're gonna go get him anyway.

So don't we just save ourselves the problem,

you go fucking do your job and go pick him up, bud?

[tires screeching]

- [Bubbles] Look at Donnie lighting her up.

Light her up, Donnie!

- Holy fuck, what's going on?

- Donnie's fucking right on the liquor today.

- So-

- I'll get him, all right?

- Okay, thanks buddy. - Fuck, I'll go get him.

- See, this is what happens.

You get one little bit of time to yourself

and you're gonna do something fun

and these arseholes come in.

Go do this, go do that or you're

not getting your fucking liquor.

So we gotta go get Ricky.

You guys meet me at the fucking hotel.

- [Cameraman] Okay Bubs.

[classical piano music]

- See?

Piece of cake.

Now all I need is a light.

There it is.

Okay.

I used to be a cameraman.

Well I could've been a cameraman.

All right, good.

Jim Lahey here.

How's it going, bud?

Yeah.

It's a very exciting show here tonight.

This fucking place is haunted, I'll tell you.

The back door opened as I was coming into the studio

by itself and the fucking alarm didn't go off.

Nothing.

And I come in here, and I come in here 'cause I'm on

the most important pilgrimage of my fucking entire life.

You know my job, most of you know Jim Lahey.

You know that I've kind of grown

as Sunnyvale's probably been part of my life.

I mean part of my soul.

I mean I don't know why.

I have no idea why.

I fucking married into it with Barb.

Fucking Barb.

Anyway, where was I?

Oh yeah.

I just want you to know.

Tonight I had an e-piss-any.

I had an idea that just blew me away.

I was sound asleep.

I was in the middle of this most incredible dream.

What's that, "Abou Ben Adhem may your tribe increase.

"Awoke one night in a deep dream of peace."

That's what it was like.

I felt peaceful for the first time in my life.

Maybe it's 'cause I'm 70 years old.

Maybe it's because...

I'm pretty fucking good for 70 years old.

Maybe.

Maybe it's the thing that I live for.

To share this beautiful idea that I had tonight.

I mean I'm as confused as everybody else

about the state of the world.

I mean.

Everything you're talking about, North Korea and Iraq

and Syria and, fucking oh man, it's mind-boggling.

And then think about the zombies,

if you're fucking into that kind of shit,

and then people talk about the thousand ways

that the Earth could die, and then people

get all scared and wooly-booly,

but the thing is you gotta branch out.

Yeah, I could've been a cameraman.

But I chose to be a police officer.

And I was a good fucking cop.

I was for a while.

'Til fucking booze got in the way.

It wasn't entirely my fault.

Well you can't blame an alcohol, I'm not an alcoholic.

I don't go to any meetings.

But I do have a problem with alcohol.

I identify so deeply with the liquor

that it is more than part of my soul.

It is my essence.

I am the liquor.

And I believe.

I believe that tonight I finally

have found, like Pope Francis.

His middle name, my middle name's Francis.

Yeah.

James Francis Lahey.

The Pope's name is Francis, my father's name

was Francis with an I, and my fucking

mother's name was Frances with an E.

The fucking, it's like, this is my,

I am fucking stargazing, my friends.

And my head went right tonight all through

the synapses and undercurrents of fucking...

You gotta understand what dreams are.

Dreams to some people are a rehashing of the day's events.

Dreams to other people is just a scrambling of imagery,

of stuff that's being dumped and re-sorted.

[playful babbling]

Freudian, I like the Freudian the best.

Like the dream, you can make anything into

a dripping penis or, you know what I'm getting at.

The problem is I didn't know there was a problem.

I beg your pardon, ladies and gentlemen.

While I collect myself.

"My soul is in the coffin there with Caesar

"and I must pause ere it come back to me."

[cat meowing]

- Sunnyvale Crack Shop.

Hello?

- Thank fuck!

How's it going, man?

- [Bubbles] Hey, how's it going?

- Good, man.

You at my trailer?

- Yeah, I'm just playing Frogger, Ricky.

- [Ricky] Oh thank fuck, okay look-

- Got the fucking high score.

- [Ricky] You need to do me a huge favor, man.

- What?

- [Ricky] Sorry to cut you off,

but you gotta fucking feed my plants.

How are they looking?

- They look fine to me.

I got the lights on them and I gave them some of the juice.

- Which juice?

- [Bubbles] The juice, the colored juice in the jugs.

I poured a little bit in each one.

- How much juice did you give them?

- A little bit of each color.

Isn't that-

- You got grow, you got micro, and you got bloom.

Originally it started off it was gonna be

fucking three two one, right?

Backwards one two three?

- [Bubbles] Yeah.

- All right, and then you switched it to fucking-

- I've just been giving them little bits of-

- Listen, they're in fucking bloom now.

It's very important, you gotta go to the one two three.

instead of three two one, two two two, gotta go

one two three with the grow, the micro, and the bloom.

- Well, Ricky, first of all, like the way,

I don't know what the fuck's bloom and what's...

You've got them labeled so fucked.

- What do you mean it's fucked?

There's different colors, right?

Different color, one of them is a grow,

one of them's a micro, and one of them's a fucking bloom.

You just do the ratios with the water,

put them in the fucking things, and feed them!

- I know Ricky, but listen to what I'm saying.

Here's what you got.

You got a fucking jug with blue liquid in it, right?

- [Ricky] Okay, I think the blue is probably grow.

- But then it's got a red cap and it's written

in red Sharpie it says blue and red.

- If it's in a red fucking lid

and red tape it's probably the bloom.

You might have to taste it.

- Ricky I'm not gonna taste it.

The other one's red and it's got a blue cap.

And it's got blue tape and then

in blue Sharpie it says red.

Why wouldn't you just write bloom?

- Well that would've made a lot more sense,

but I know what they are, right?

So I don't need to write the fucking names of them on there.

I didn't fucking expect to be in here.

- And there's two shades of green.

So I've been giving it a little bit of each of the greens.

- What do you mean there's two shades of green?

There's only one green.

- There's like a nice Kool-Aid looking green

and then there's like a darker green here.

Just wait, let me see.

- [Ricky] You have to taste one of those for fuck's sake.

- Well Ricky.

- [Ricky] Basically tasting them's

the only way to know what the fuck they are.

- Taste them?

- [Ricky] They all taste pretty good.

- How do you taste them?

Do you just dip your finger in them?

- I guess you could dip your finger in.

I usually just take a mouthful.

- [Bubbles] Which one should I taste, green?

- Try one of the greens and then

we'll know which one is which.

- Okay.

- [Ricky] Should tastes pretty fucking awful.

- No, that one's not bad.

That one's kind of sweet.

That'd be nice on ice whatever that is.

- [Ricky] Sweet?

- Yeah.

- [Ricky] Oh fuck.

No man, that's antifreeze.

I forgot, yeah, no, that one's antifreeze.

Don't put, you've been putting

antifreeze on the fucking plants?

- Ricky!

You've got unlabeled jugs of antifreeze laying around?

- I had antifreeze in an antifreeze jug,

the fucking jug got a hole in it

so I had to put it in something.

I used one of my old grow containers.

- You're the reason people die!

You're the reason people get called

at fucking poison control.

And they say I drank a jug of antifreeze.

How'd you do that, sir?

Well it was in a pop bottle!

- We gotta figure this out, Bubs.

I've only got so many phone credits here, right?

I shouldn't be wasting them trying to teach you

how to do something so fucking basic.

- You guys been in there yet?

- [Cameraman] No bud, I was waiting for you.

- Ricky!

[Bubbles knocks]

Ricky.

Jesus Murphy.

[beer cans clanging]

Ricky.

Ricky.

Ricky.

[whispers] Ricky, wake up.

You gotta come back to the set.

- Hmm?

- You gotta come back to the park.

Get up.

What the fuck is going on in here?

Ricky!

Ricky!

You gotta come back to the park, let's go.

- I know!

- Come on.

Who are the ladies?

- Hmm?

- [whispers] There's two ladies right there.

Who is it?

- I don't fucking know, man.

I don't remember much.

- Get up.

What in the flying fuck did you do in here, Ricky?

You destroyed the fella's room.

What do you got on your foot?

Is that beer?

What did you do with the microwave, Ricky?

They told you not to use that.

- Bubs, I need sleep.

- What is going on with you?

Here, you got a bucket on your foot.

Get your foot up here.

- Oh yeah, that's better, buddy.

- Ricky.

Don't lay down, get up.

Get up.

Maybe you should turn that off.

Here, get up.

What did you do here?

- [Ricky] Chicken.

- You fucking blew the door right off her.

- I put the chicken in with beer.

- You put a bucket of chicken and beer in the microwave.

Blew the fucking door off.

You know how pissed off the fella's gonna be?

He told you specifically don't use the microwave

and you blew the fucking thing up.

[whispers] Who are they?

- I don't know, man.

They wanted me to do things.

I didn't do anything I don't think, but they were

doing lots of stuff to themselves, man.

Holy fuck.

- [whispers] Jesus Murphy.

They obviously were doing things when they passed out.

Clearly.

Ricky, Ricky, get it together.

We gotta go back to the park.

Look at this.

Ricky, you were only here a few hours.

How did you do this?

- [Ricky] Got her going, Bubs.

Got her going, buddy.

- Here, I'll double you back.

I got my cart here.

- What are we gonna do?

- We gotta go back to the trailer park.

Do I just close?

Holy fuck.

I can't get over that.

- Huh?

- [Bubbles] Sorry, I'm just here with the TV people.

You guys just go back to...

- Is this a sex tape?

- Ow!

- Go back to sleep.

- [whispers] This is how the SwearNet fellas...

This is how they live.

Here, let's go.

You just getting on her there are you, Ricky?

- Holy fuck, Bubs.

- Just wait, fuck.

Here, hold the brake down would you?

Don't hold the fucking gas down or you're gonna

shoot right across the street.

[cart revs]

I'll just take her slow, Ricky.

Fucking hang on though.

- Boys, I hope we got some more beer.

- Can you put the gun down?

- Ricky, can you put that fucking thing somewhere?

- The safety's fucking on, look.

- [Julian] It's not on.

- [Bubbles] Look, just here.

- [Julian] And it's cocked for fuck's sake.

- [Bubbles] Give it.

- [Ricky] It's not fucking...

Now it's not cocked.

- [Julian] Yes it is cocked.

- Oh yeah, it is sort of cocked.

- [Julian] Dumbass.

- We'll just point it over to the corner.

There's no one over there.

- Do you ever hear of ricochets?

Listen to this one, Ricky.

They're called Hatebeak.

See this?

- Hatebeak?

- Hatebeak?

- Hatebeak.

The lead singer is a fucking parrot.

- Fuck off.

- [Bubbles] He's the lead singer, they're a metal band.

- [Julian] Hatebeak.

- 21 year old African gray parrot.

He's the lead singer.

- You're fucking joking right now.

- No, I'm serious.

They're a real band.

Pull them up.

- All right man, just a sec.

- Hatebeak.

- Are you talking about a guy

dressed up as a fucking parrot?

- [Bubbles] No.

- They're a real fucking parrot?

- [Bubbles] I'm talking a real-

- [Julian] The parrot's actually singing?

- [Bubbles] He's the singer.

- How does he learn the words?

- I don't know that he sings words, Ricky.

I don't know.

- I gotta go figure out why this thing keeps

fucking going off when it hits the floor.

- 'Cause it's a fucking gun, Ricky.

- I know, but safety is usually on.

Doesn't make sense, boys.

- Since you're being an arsehole, next one is all you, bud.

You fucking come up with the fun facts.

- All right, I'll come up with some facts.

- Maybe I won't even fucking be here, who knows.

Maybe you can just do it by yourself.

- Bubs don't fuck with me like that.

None of us really wanna do this anyway.

It was your idea to start this shit.

- This was fucked.

- Well I'm just saying, I thought you'd

have fun doing it and now you're fucking-

- No, man.

- Coming aboard me.

- Still don't have our microphones back either by the way.

- Maybe that's it.

Maybe, I don't know Bubs-

- It doesn't feel fucking real.

Just feels like we're sitting around a table being dicks.

- [Julian] Exactly.

- We look professional with our fucking

microphones and stuff.

This looks stupid.

- Big chunk of donair meat.

Like what pretzel, who eats pretzels, Rick?

Why do you have pretzels out?

- Fucking Mickey Mouse.

- You know what?

Maybe you guys just fucking do it without me then.

Maybe that's happening.

- [Julian] Whatever.

- And I'm taking this.

- No you're not.

- You guys can...

- Give me it.

- Let it go!

- You let it go.

[Ricky laughs]

- I can't believe you tried to lick me.

- I'll fucking lick.

- Holy fuck Bubs, don't ever do that to me again.

- Well I'm just saying.

- Jesus.

- And don't touch my pretzels either.

[Bubbles spits]

- I don't want pretzels.

- I can't believe you just fucking

spit all over the fucking pretzels.

- Well they're my pretzels now.

- Yeah, well these are mine aren't they?

[Ricky spits]

- Boys, you guys are fucking gross.

Like why would you...

What grade are you guys in right now?

- Better fucking claim something.

'Cause I'm gonna spit on the rest of it.

- I don't give a fuck.

- Go ahead, I got my pretzels and my liquor.

- All right.

- That's all I need.

- I'm the fuck out of here.

Gonna shoot some shit.

You guys wanna go shooting?

[serene piano music] [birds cawing]

[fish shouting expletives]

[power surging]

- [Mystery Voice] Fuck off.