Original subtitles

- [Ricky] Warning.

The following program contains really coarse language,

weed, alcohol consumption, smoking

and sexual infer- fer- lenses.

This content may not be suitable for viewers under 18.

To activate parental controls,

please press the big "Go [beep] Yourself" button

on your remote control.

[tranquil piano music]

- I tried to get Rocky Balboa.

- See that'd be a fucking guest,

showing us some fucking knockout moves.

- I did, I did. I tried to call Sylvester Stallone.

- What'd he say?

- Oh, I didn't get a hold of him.

You can't just call him up.

I just got on the internet and, you know,

typed in "Sylvester Stallone's phone number"

and one came up so I dialed it.

But I think it was a,

I think it was a porno site or something,

cause it sounded like Rocky,

but he was saying dirty things.

- Like what?

- Like, "Hey, you looking to get banged?"

Stuff like that.

So, I assume that was not-

- Well, it could have been. Who fucking knows?

Maybe that's the way he hooks now. Who knows?

- That's the way he hooks?

- Ricky, Sylvester Stallone is not a male prostitute.

I hate to tell you.

- I think everyone's a male prostitute for the right price.

- I've been a male prostitute.

- Yeah. We're fucking fully aware of that.

- Pays good money.

- I don't even wanna think about you

being a prostitute, Randy. - Randy.

- What?

- Randy.

- It's going to Ricky and you.

Can he have some of that?

- I don't know.

- Well, I'm the guest.

You treat guests with respect.

- You should use a fucking finger condom

if you're gonna have any,

cause I don't know where that mouth has been today.

- A finger condom?

- [Julian] Just use a finger condom.

- You put the fucking joint in deep.

So you're just,

you're not touching the actual joint.

Yeah, see? He knows what a finger condom is.

I'm not surprised

- Ooh, Ricky. That's good shit.

- [Ricky] No kidding.

What do you think I'd be smoking terrible shit?

- You got any extra that I can have?

- We can talk about that after, Randy.

Right now we're on the big fucking thing

that sends us all over the world.

No one gives a fuck about you and your drugs.

- I got some money, but it's back in my trailer.

- Okay. I got a question for you, Randy.

- [Ricky] Who gives a fuck?

- [Randy] Yeah.

- What's the most money you've made in one week of hooking?

While being Smokey.

- Oh, that's hard to say.

Cause I spent some of the money on cheeseburgers.

- [Julian] Okay. Just how much do you think approximately?

- I did really good.

Like, I probably made about a hundred bucks.

- Wow. - I'd Say.

- In a week?

- No, not in a week.

That was like a day.

Cause it's different days are busier than other days.

- [Julian] And that's seven days a week?

- Thanks, Ricky.

- Well, you can't,

it's too much energy to do it every day of the week

and you don't wanna do it, if it's storming.

- Do you kiss your customers or

you just get right to it?

- Holy shit, that's good.

- Boys, are you seriously?

This is seriously what we're fucking talking about?

How much money Randy's made hooking.

[Ricky laughing]

- Well, you know, maybe he can work for us.

- Why are you so interested?

- Well, you take a cut.

You help him out, get him some customers.

- So you're gonna be Randy's pimp?

Basically.

- If the money was good,

he's gotta be more motivated though, you know.

You'd have to work seven days a week.

- I'm not doing it anymore, Julian.

- [Julian] Eight hours a day.

- I don't have to do it anymore, now.

- You basically just said

you would be open to being Randy's pimp.

- For the right money, yes.

[upbeat violin music]

- About 2 billion people, across the world, consume liquor.

A small percentage of those

fall into the category of excess.

But whether you drink a little or you drink a lot,

every drop of liquor tells a different story.

[light-hearted orchestral music]

[soft piano music]

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.

Doctor of epistemology, Jim Lahey, at your cervix.

Got my paper this afternoon

for online, I bought an Apple class.

But today,

we're gonna have another little talk

about a wonderful liquor.

All liquors are great,

some liquors are greater than others.

Today, we're talking about Limestone whiskey.

Now Limestone whiskey is a bourbon.

And what makes a bourbon a bourbon

is that it has to be brewed in the United States of America.

Two years, it has to be fermented or whatever,

fuck I don't give a shit,

but what happens is,

it's made from

limestone water through the aquifers in Kentucky.

And I bet you, it was called limestone first

and then fucking Snoop Dogg came along

and they called it lime, limestone.

I got that confused.

But this is, this is what, this is a,

this is called porcelain.

And in 1975,

they had a whole bunch of

little porcelain things that they made.

They had little collie dogs like this

and they had everything from Mickey Mouse

to firemen to cowboys, all kinds of shit.

It was beautiful.

I collected most of them,

but this one here was a special one because we had a dog,

Barb and I had a little dog, beautiful dog.

I called it Gypsy and she called it Cindy or something.

It was wonderful.

We didn't realize, she got it for me

because I was having trouble being uninebriated.

So, she thought that if I had a friend,

that she knew about PTS, PS, P-Tees-D.

PSDs, PT, sexually transmitted diseases isn't, that's PTSD.

She knew about that kind of shit.

And she knew to get me through,

I could, if I have a companion, like that,

she bought me a dog.

Beautiful, smart, wonderful.

I used to cruise in my patrol car.

She could solve, fucking sniff here,

sniff there and tell me the secret right in my ear.

Ha, anyway.

Barb and I,

we loved that dog so much and we trained it to do all kind.

We won best of show,

1979,

with our beautiful dog.

And it was so incredible.

But the next

fucking day,

somebody in the park

poisoned our dog.

And the only thing I have to remember,

we won this, best in show.

Doesn't quite look like her.

She was way better looking than this.

Do you know what they call 'em?

They called 'em British,

our dog was called British Rough Collie.

Where was I?

Oh yeah.

I couldn't sleep for days.

And I kept my little porcelain doggy with me

and I'd just touch it.

And then one day I discovered that right there,

there used to be an award seal right there.

I touched it and it went broke

and it came off and it was filled

with bourbon.

I hadn't had a drink since I had the dog

and Barb was asleep beside me.

Dean Martin was on the Johnny Carson show.

I mean, what could I do?

So I had a little sippy-poo.

Since then, I've, sort of, escalated my proclivities

and I use a straw.

Cause a straw is much more gentile.

And [sighs] That's when I started drinking again.

And it's been 30 years

of bullshit, absolute bullshit.

Cause when you find a dog, if you get a dog that you love,

you better hold onto that dog.

Tell you why.

Cause you'll never have another love like that dog.

Woof, woof. [imitates dog whining]

Remember Lassie? Remember Lassie?

Yeah.

Woof, woof, woof.

"What? Little Jimmy's trapped in the well.

Good, Lassie. Let's go."

[Lahey imitating dog barking]

This is Jim Lahey with another dog story.

signing off for tomorrow.

[soft piano music]

[tranquil piano music]

- Okay, we're shooting a little scene here

that involves some science.

Very precise measurements need to be taken

so that nobody gets hurt.

That's how you do it properly.

- I don't know why they're so worried about it.

We don't really. Who cares?

- What's he doing?

This guy's not very smart.

Hey, bud. Hey, bud.

Dick weed say what?

- Huh?

- Doesn't even know.

Doesn't even know I called him a dick weed.

I don't even understand really what they're doing but

looks very professional,

looks like a lot of people know what they're doing.

What's this thing for here?

What's this for? - A light reflector.

Watch it.

Woo.

- This guy here's always on drugs.

He's high as a kite, all fucking day.

Just walks around with that thing, shining light on people.

There's a lot of drugs on the set.

You can tell who the really high people are.

Baked.

Baked.

Baked.

Not baked.

- [Bystander] Broken glass.

- Not baked.

Bets up, boys.

- Doritos? All right.

I got a Doritos.

- I'm going Doritos.

- All right. What kind of chips?

Yeah let's, do you accept that?

- It's my turn. Darren.

Darren.

What do you think about Darren?

- Darren?

Okay, let me think.

I'm gonna say,

I'm gonna say something violent.

I think maybe,

maybe stabbing at a bar.

- I'm kind of feeling the same thing, something violent.

He's been in here for a while.

I'm gonna say like a skin peeler.

A skin peeler. - No, Ricky. There's no way.

- Like Buffalo Bill?

- Skin peeler, all right.

- He's not a fucking skin peeler.

- [Bubbles] He's not a skin-

- Okay. What's your pick?

- He was at the Legion, trying to get up stage,

fuck, to play his guitar, he sucks.

Someone threw a ball at him. He got in a fight.

- No. He's been here too long for that.

- You want me to tell you? Cause I fucking know.

- Okay.

- Word on the street is he made, a counter fitter?

- [Ricky] No fucking way.

- [Terr] Fake money. Yup.

Just a little change, just like nickels and dimes.

- [Ricky] I wouldn't have thought that.

- [Julian] Nickel and dime counter fitter?

- [Terr] Yeah.

- Unbelievable.

- Okay. So, nobody won that one.

- Just let that one ride?

- Let it ride.

- Let it ride, or do you want to up it?

Do you want to up it? You know what?

- I'm gonna throw a Goldfish in, double or nothing.

- Okay.

I don't have a Goldfish,

but I'll match you with a cheese and crackers.

- [Terr] How'd you guys get so much shit?

- [Bubbles] Okay, boys, okay.

- Who's turn is it? - Who are we on to?

Let's go,

I don't know.

Does anybody know what Freddy did?

- [Terr] Pshh. I do.

- [Bubbles] I don't.

- [Ricky] Something fucking dirty I bet.

Probably something sexual.

- Oh, do you think?

I'm gonna say,

I'm gonna say he was up in a tree, jacking.

Looking in a window, jacking.

- A tree jerker?

- A tree jerker.

- I'm gonna say,

sexual assault with a weapon.

- I'm saying he tried to bang his stepdad.

- Oh my God, fellas. Do you think it's that bad?

I was thinking more, just like a, you know,

something like he's down at the old folks' home,

looking in the windows.

- You know what I heard,

when I was in the shower, about Freddy?

I was in there listening with my ears and he didn't notice.

I heard he was a grave robber.

So, none of you got it.

- [Bubbles] A grave robber?

- A grave-

- A grave robber, man.

- Digging them up and then banging them?

- Yeah.

No, well maybe,

but that's what I heard and cause, you know,

all the jewelry gold. - I bet you he was.

- No way. - He was banging dead people.

- I bet you he was, man.

- How come we've never robbed graves. That's a good idea.

- No, it's-

- [Terr] There's tons of dead people,

like fucking thousands.

- But they're usually not buried with their fucking wallets.

- [Julian] Rings.

- [Terr] Rings and things.

- You're not getting into that, Ricky.

For God's sake.

- That's two in a row, we missed.

Let it ride or double up?

- [Terr] Okay, up the ante, let's see. [laughs]

- [Ricky] Someone's gonna be a big fucking winner here.

- Twinkie.

- [Ricky] Oh man, I'm not throwing in a fucking Twinkie.

- I'll raise a Twinkie.

- I got it, here.

I'll throw in a fucking Rice Krispies square

I'm not giving up my Twinkie.

- Oh, I love those.

- All right.

- I love those. - Where were we at?

- Okay. What about,

what about Billy?

I don't know what Billy did.

I'm gonna say something like,

I bet you it was, like, some kind of a accounting scam or,

he's pretty smart, so I don't think it was like-

- [Terr] Oh, you mean like a white collar crime?

- I'm gonna say white collar crime.

- Billy's a fucking priest?

- No, Ricky.

- [Julian] He's not. That's not what he means.

- White collar means like a-

- Priest. - Not, no.

Yes, priests have white collars,

but I mean like a bank-

- Is it illegal to be a priest?

- No, Ricky.

I'm talking about like-

- It never used to be.

- I think they just mean, like, not a plumber.

- Ah, makes sense. - It means like bank fraud,

money laundering, something that takes your brain,

but's not violent.

- That's a good guess.

- I think white collar.

- I think pills, man, or meth.

You know, "Breaking Bad" style, that other dude.

Jesse, what was his name? - I'm gonna say,

you know what?

I'm gonna say, cocaine dealer.

He's got that look about him.

- [Julian] No, pills.

Going pills.

- I can tell you again.

People seem to tell me shit,

they want to confess to me. - [Ricky] Come on, come on.

Give it to me.

- [Bubbles] Tell me white collar.

- Nope. - [Ricky] Come on, cocaine.

- Non-lethal murder.

- For fuck's sake.

- How the fuck is he getting out soon?

- [Bubbles] That's manslaughter, non-lethal murder.

He might have just-

- Doesn't even make sense. Does it?

- Hit someone with his car by accident.

- Were pills involved?

- I don't know, man. I can find out.

- Okay. Well, maybe you can find that out.

- No, no.

- So, who won?

- Cause if there was pills involved, I'm fucking winning.

- No, we don't know. - All right.

Well, it could have been cocaine involved then I'm winning.

- I guess we ain't-

- Dang, boys. I'm down to my last bag of Doritos.

- Holy fuck.

This is the biggest pot we've ever had.

- This is a big pot.

- Someone's gonna win like snacks for a week, here.

- This is the biggest pot we've ever had.

- Noodles and crackers with cheese.

- I'm not taking the fucking noodles,

the crackers and cheese.

- [Terr] Those are rare.

- What?

They're not rare.

- [Bubbles] That's not rare.

That's not a rare item. - I'll throw in the cheesies.

All right. - Oh my God.

I wanna win this so bad.

- This is the fucking whole shebang.

- After I win this,

I'm gonna have a fucking party in my own cell.

- Who do we got left?

- [Terr] Well what about Beardo?

- [Bubbles] Justin, what about Justin?

- [Ricky] Oh fuck. He's a fucking stranger.

- I'm gonna say, poked a guy's eyes in at the bar.

- [Julian] Poked a guy's eyes in.

- [Bubbles] Yep.

- [Ricky] He's got a bit of temper.

I'm gonna say he fucking snapped.

What's it called when you're drunk in public?

- [Bubbles] Public drunkenness.

- [Julian] Yeah.

- That and, or assault.

He got in a fight when he was drunk.

- He's poked somebody's eyes in.

- No, I think road rage.

And he was drunk, DUI, man.

Few times, three, maybe four or five times.

- Fucking bingo, man.

- Was that it?

Yeah. - [Ricky] No.

- Fuck yeah.

- Sakes. - Come to daddy.

- Can I have them noodles?

- Man, I got nothing to bet with.

- Fuck's sakes.

- All I got's one Goldfish.

- Here, you can have those.

- I like those noodles.

- They're all yours, buddy.

- That was good game, Terr.

- Yeah, good job, man.

- I'm just lucky people fucking over chirp to me

and find out this shit.

- You should give Terr something

for being the guy in charge.

- Well, maybe you should.

- Well, I ain't got nothing left.

- Come on. You can't eat all those Doritos, fuck.

Or all them chips.

You can't eat all them chips.

They're just baby bags. - There's Christmas, Terr.

- Oh, thanks man.

- [Julian] Yeah, man.

- Well, I'm gonna make some Goldfish and noodle soup boys.

- If you guys wanna play again, come grab me.

- I'll play later.

- Yeah.

- Rice Krispie cheers.

- Cheers.

[Conky laughing]

[tranquil piano music]

- What's going on, fucking dick weeds?

Eh, you have some questions for me, do ya?

All right.

Well, let's get to them. [laughs]

First one's from Darren Brennan.

He says, "Hey Dear Conky,

I have a public fetish

and I wanna cram my fist straight up your arse."

Oh, wow. That's fucking great, Darren.

You might wanna head to the fucking psychiatrist

and figure out why you wanna fist me.

You fucking idiot. [laughs]

That's not normal, going around, fisting puppets. [laughs]

Dion Jamieson.

"Conky, what the fuck are you doing back in the park?"

Well, Dion, somebody told me your mom was around here.

So, I came to stick my big wooden cock in her. [laughs]

Fuck off.

Tristin Hamm.

"Dear Conky,

Is it possible you'll have kids

that will hate and fuck with Ricky as much as you do."

Well, I probably won't have kids.

Tristin, I don't know if you know

how a fucking puppet works, dickhead.

But you never know.

I might figure out a way to

crank out a fucking, you know, a wooden kid. [laughs]

Okay. This one's from Terry Rahn.

That's a nice name, Terry. Where the did you run to?

Fucking idiot.

He says, "Conky you little smart ass,

How the fuck did you get back to the park,

you little motherfucker?"

Well, that's exactly how I did it.

Terry,

I picked your mother up at a bar

and I took her back to the park and I fucked her. [laughs]

You set yourself right up for that one, Terry,

you fucking asshole.

Ryan West.

"Conky, have you ever met Bobby Turkalino

and what are your thoughts on him?"

Yeah, I have met Bobby Turkalino.

I think he's a little prick.

Fucking made of fabric, little pussy.

Yeah. I haven't seen him in a while.

If you know where he is,

you tell fucking Turkalino I'm looking for him.

Fucking pussy, little fabric pussy.

I'll beat the fucking fabric teeth

right outta Bobby Turkalino's fucked up little head.

Anne Marie Schiraldi

says,

"Hey Conky, where the fuck have you been?

And do you harbor any resentment to Bubbles

after the near fatal drowning?"

No, actually I don't,

because Bubbles is very aware

that I don't need oxygen to fucking live.

I've lived underwater for a long fucking time.

So, he wasn't trying to drown me.

He was just trying to get me away from Ricky

because Ricky is

a fucking

idiot.

Oh, and if you didn't notice,

I'm in Ricky's fucking trailer right now

and I'm gonna go take a shit on his pillow

and stick his toothbrush up my ass. [laughs]

Art,

Artur Luiz

says,

"Conky, why do you get dressed like Bubbles,

you little fucker?"

Who said I get dressed like Bubbles?

Artur, whatever kind of a fucking name that is.

Who said I get dressed like bubbles?

Who said he doesn't dress like me?

He's the one that fucking dresses like me.

I'm the one that had this hairstyle.

And I had glasses and shirts like this,

long before fucking Bubbles did.

So Artur, you can suck it.

Go get a new name, you fucking idiot. [laughs]

All right, I'm going to,

I'm going to fuck with Ricky.

I'm gonna,

I'm gonna piss in his mouthwash. [laughs]

And then he'll brush his teeth

and take mouthwash and he'll be drinking my piss.

[laughs] Fuck off.

[tranquil piano music]

- Hey, this is Bubbles from Sunnyvale Trailer Park.

Welcome to "Kitty of the Week". [laughs]

[kitties meowing]

[kitties purring]

Hey, how's it going, everybody?

Bubbles here at the Bide Awhile Shelter,

Dartmouth, Nova Scotia for "Kitty of the Week".

And this is this week's featured kitty

and he is unbelievable, this guy.

He's an orange tabby, two years old, named Chucky.

And Chucky came in with a infection in his leg.

So, they had no choice.

They had to get rid of her.

Off she came.

Look at him. He's just ready to rock.

Doesn't matter that he's only got three legs.

He's, you know, perfectly good kitty.

Agile.

I bet you Chucky here would like some,

I bet you Chucky's into some white fluff balls.

Hey Chucky,

look what I got.

Oh yeah.

There we go.

Chucky's, he's only about two years old

and he's, you know, he needs a good home.

Somebody that can, you know,

deal with a special needs kitty,

but there's really nothing, that much,

you have to do different, you know.

He's got three legs.

It's not like he only got one. He's got three.

So, he can still get around.

You know, these are the kind of kitties

that when things like, you know,

infections and things come in, people are like,

"Oh, well that kitty's no good."

And they throw them away, that's what I can't believe.

But people do that.

This guy, you know, proves everybody wrong.

He likes fucking with those.

He's a Bubbles certified kitty right there.

[camera clicks]

[marker scribbling]

[kitty meows]

[soft piano music]

- Can we just shut this down, Bubs?

- Yes, I guess.

Sign her off.

- How do you do that?

- You say goodnight or good day.

- Or goodbye.

- Well, yeah, if you want to get technical.

- Good morning.

- No you say, "See ya later."

- You say, "Fuck off" to you.

[Randy burps]

- Wow.

- Randy. - That's got a kick.

- There was a burp rule made last week.

- [laughs] Holy fuck.

- Because he almost leveled us.

- All right. Time to leave.

That's disgusting.

- Oh, fuck, Randy.

- All right, later.

- Yup. Thanks everybody.

- [Ricky] Signing off. Fuck off, Randy.

- See you later.

- Get the fuck out.

[tranquil piano music]

- See you later.

[Ricky snoring]

And good night.

[tranquil piano music]

[water lapping] [birds chirping]

- [Fish] Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck

fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

- [Ricky] [whispers] Fuck off.