Original subtitles

- [Narrator] Warning!

The following program contains really course language,

weed, alcohol consumption, smoking, and sexual inferences.

This content may not be suitable for viewers under 18.

To activate parental controls,

please press the go [beep] yourself button

on your remote control.

[Trailer Park Boys theme]

- Still didn't get my fuckin' horse.

- [Julian] Don't start talking about the horse.

- [Bubbles] Nobody's trying to get a fuckin' horse.

What's the best thing that you could be given Ricky?

Like if somebody said,

"Here Ricky" and went like that to you,

what would you like to see in their hand?

Best thing in the world

- Besides cash and a horse?

- Yes, besides cash and horse.

- An island.

- [Julian] An island?

- No laws fucking good seasons for growing-

- Some, I mean something somebody could fuckin' hand you

something somebody could deliver in here, not.

- Someone like God or someone could just go

[Ricky makes blowing sound]

There's an island, bud.

- An island in your trailer?

- No, an island.

- [Julian] Now we're talking about

someone walks into the trailer and says, "Here you go, man."

- Yeah, like something somebody could actually hand you.

- [Julian] You talk about this, we'll give it to you.

- If you're getting a package in the mail, Ricky,

what would you love it to be?

- Fuck, that's tough.

I mean, immediately I start thinking about

different types of drugs and maybe I haven't tried

or something cool like that, but that's kind of lame,

so, and hash is out, so.

I got Lucy, so I can't really get different women, um.

- [Bubbles] Ricky, think!

- I don't really need a boat.

- [Bubbles] Think bigger.

- I have a car.

- Like what if a guy came in with a

fuckin' big box of all the-

- Firejet! That would be awesome.

Imagine getting baked and just fuckin'

taking off down fuckin' Sunnyvale.

- [Bubbles] We're not gonna get sponsored by fucking

[Ricky makes jet sounds]

McDonald Douglas or somebody.

- Do a fly pass over fuckin' Lahey's trailer.

- Look, I mean, Ricky,

what if a guy came with a huge box of

all the latest video games?

- Oh fuck

- Oh yeah. That's a good idea.

I'd play the shit out of them.

- See that's what I mean.

- Yup

- One of those video game companies could,

we could be sponsored by them.

We could be sitting in the living room

playing fucking video games right now.

- [Ricky] Okay.

Okay.

- See what I'm saying? So think like that.

- Okay.

- And what else would you like?

- Fucking video games would be cool.

- [Julian] Okay. We just said, mentioned that.

What else?

- [Ricky] Uh.

- There were some people asking me, you know,

on the comments there. "Hey, Bubbles.

We'd like to see you in your shed,

anything new in your shed?"

So, I thought I'd give you a little tour here.

So, I did put a, put a new extension on her here.

If you can see that.

There's an extra about 18 inches there.

Which gives a nice, you know, nice headroom.

She was getting a little low there

before I jammed a fuckin' skylight in her up there.

Put that in.

She leaks like an old, dirty, old whore,

but I'll have to get that fixed

and she'll be good.

Put a window in the side here. Let some natural light in.

And this, you know, this here becomes a new shelf

for all my knick knacks and whatnot.

That's a kitty, you know,

some different kitty things I have there.

And porcelain kitties there.

That's where I keep all my cat box.

Installed some hanging lamps.

It's just, I mean, it's much more functional.

Now look, see, you've got a bread holder in there.

Fuck my bread should be in there actually.

So the kitties don't get at it.

That's where I keep my bread.

- ♪ Can you keep with, ♪

[Cory clears throat]

excuse me,

♪ Can you keep. ♪

[organ playing]

Praise God, that shit was perfect, motherfucker.

You can play softly under this shit.

Anytime.

[Soft, melancholic organ music]

Ricky Brown didn't choose this life.

This life chose Ricky Brown.

Now Rick Brown do whatever the fuck he wants, normally.

But when God wants you to do something,

you'll do like a good motherfucker.

See God spoke to me.

Much like he spoke to Moses with a burning bush,

except it was a piece of toast.

I just finished eating a piece of toast.

And suddenly that shit caught a fire.

And I looked into the flames

and all of a sudden a voice

came bellowing out at me

and said, "Ricky, drop the dope,

get off the crack or whatever it is

you smoking right this instant."

And the flames lifted in my face.

And I rolled in the corner in terror.

And I, I tremored,

I clawed myself for a little while,

had a lot of scars and saw bugs under my skin.

I believed they was locusts.

And God, he told me in a comforting voice,

"Get yourself up nicka,

and you get in that shower.

And you bandaid up there, those cuts.

And you clean out your nose.

And flush your fucking toilet for God's sakes.

And feed the cat cuz it's shitting everywhere

in the room.

And for God's sakes,

pay your child support to all 15 of your kids

wherever they are."

And Rick had cleaned himself up.

And he started to saying the names and in,

in the words of God before he even knew what the shit was.

And he aight here before you now.

Reflected on, on,

on my, my, my purpose in life.

Much like I want you to reflect on yours and, and,

and Rick Brown will be doing a good thing.

If, if he helps you reflect in your life.

Which is why we use the book.

We to, to tell these stories.

Yes they have fucked up names

like Isaiah and Exarkiel and fuckin' Jeezabell and

whatever the fuck their names are.

We don't judge that.

We only judge what they learn from the law.

Much like the way that I, you know, we judge each other.

Is your neighbor cleaning his car funny?

Are you pissin on your neighbor's house?

- Why?

- Sure.

You can't find the keys to get in the house.

And you had a long night and you just gonna shit

your pants or your piss your pants or whatever.

But you don't need to piss on your parents

or your, your, your neighbor's house.

Ricky Brown did that once in his darker days

and got a rake to the face.

But now Ricky Brown's feeling much better.

He even apologized. Well, that's all the time I have.

And remember,

keep it real.

Keep it right.

Kiss your brother, man.

Love your other man.

And maybe even another man, a woman.

God bless this nicka.

[upbeat music]

I can remember a time that Ricky Brown

did things for himself.

Ricky Brown is a selfless man.

Ricky Brown is an unselfish human being because Rick Brown

give his life to someone else.

And although Rick Brown give his life to someone else.

In order to give his life to someone else,

Rick Brown gotta make sure that he's taken care of.

Rick Brown gotta do shit for himself

in order to do shit for everyone else.

So, technically Rick Brown has to be unselfish.

But to be unselfish, he must be selfish.

- Speaking about exquisite.

We, every day we have a spe-

oh look Randy I found your cock opener.

Yep, this is the best bottle opener in the world.

I know. It's great.

It's strong, really strong.

[Jim] It's got a heft.

- It looks like a penis.

[Jim laughs]

[Jim] No kidding.

So, we're gonna have a segment.

Every time we have a show, every show.

And it's gonna call called now, pick a word.

And this is a very special dictionary.

- We're not doing that.

- Yeah, Randy, how do we learn things, Randy?

We learn. Look, there's nothing that a person can know,

feel or think that can't be

expressed in words in a dictionary.

How many times have we been through this, Randy?

And you're gonna-

[Jim burps]

point at random to a word in the dictionary.

And that's gonna be your word for the day.

So at random open the book, random.

Random bobandom.

Okay. Would you like me to read it for you, bud?

- Yeah.

- Okay. It says habilitate, habilitate, habili-

To make suitable, to qualify from suitably fit.

Habilitate.

That's good hey Randy?

- I don't. I don't get it.

It says clothed, furnished with habiliments.

That means it wants you to put your shirt back on.

- No, it doesn't Mr. Lahey.

[indistinct]

- To furnish with equipment.

I need a barbecue.

- Yeah.

- To make-

- Yeah, we're gonna get a barbecue.

We're gonna-

[Jim slurring his words]

And then we'll put the girl on the, on the stage.

- It says as for working in a mine.

I don't wanna work in a mine. Mr. Lahey.

It's underground.

- That's like that song that Rita MacNeil sang. Remember?

♪ It's a working man I am. ♪

♪ And to go down underground ♪

That was, do you remember

she was hauling the dope boat for Ricky

in's episode six or whatever for four. Remember?

- I remember.

- Randy look, this is how you learn.

Ladies and gentlemen,

if you wanna know something specific look.

You should, every day you should look up a separate word

and, and increase your vocabularies.

Okay? What's next? We've done-

- See this is what I don't understand.

- What's that Randy?

- You go down here and it says habit.

And I thought habit was when

you know I've got a cheeseburger habit.

I eat cheeseburgers.

- I know. I agree.

- You have a liquor habit.

- Somewhat.

- And with, I mean, you, you have breakfast Baileys

with your Captain Crunch.

- Okay, move to your point.

- Every morning and liquor ball sandwiches for lunch.

These are habits.

But here it says garb.

What's a garb?

- That's talking about your shirt.

- Dress, clothes,

- Dress and clothes.

- Specifically the costume commonly worn

or appropriate for a particular time use or vocation.

[Jim claps]

This is exactly what I'm talking.

That's why you should be wearing a shirt.

- Clerical habit.

That's got nothing to do with

eating cheeseburgers every day.

- It says clothing that's appropriate to the occasion.

- I don't think dictionaries are as smart

as what everyone thinks they are.

Dictionaries, look, Randy-

- I think someone didn't know what habit's supposed to mean.

So they just write down a bunch of stuff. Mr. Lahey.

- Think Randy,

- The dress worn by a woman when riding on horseback.

- Yeah.

- A habit.

- Yeah.

- I thought those were those pants

that looked like RCMP pants.

- Yeah, They're called riding cross britches Randy.

Okay. Enough of the book.

We're gonna mum

[indistinct]

- This is dumb. We're not doing this anymore. Mr. Lahey

You said we don't need laws. We gotta make this exciting.

No one gives a shit about a frigging book.

The how old is this book?

- You people, you can see through this.

You can see that this book is so specific.

It is encouraging Bobandis to wear a shirt as appropriate

garmenology right Randus?

- Mmm Hmm

- You bet.

[Bubbles sniffing]

[footsteps on gravel]

- Hello?

Mr. Lahey, is everything alright in there?

[knocking on door]

[Bubbles coughs]

[Bubbles running and panting]

Boys, Phil?

Phil wake up.

Randy, Randy!

Lahey!

My God.

Crazy.

Like you're in cheeseburger parties.

[footsteps]

Boys, boys, come on.

Need your help.

- Bubbles

- 9 1 1.

- What's going on?

- [Julian] We can't understand you. Come in here.

- Julian

[Bubbles panicked jibberish]

Gone awry barbecue.

Burgers, goddamn greasy horror show.

Burgers, liquor everywhere.

Come on.

[All running]

[Ricky coughing]

[Bubbles coughing]

[Bubbles wheezing]

[Randy kicks bottle]

What's the fuck went on in here?

Some kind of a crazy, liquor, cheeseburger party Ricky.

- Let's get them on side boys. Come on.

[Phil burps loud]

[Julian falls into bottles]

Well, you gotta get Randy out of the way.

Come on.

- He's too fat.

- Can you guys gimme a fucking hand here come on.

Fuckin' help me.

Watch it.

[Phil burps]

Methadone gas is gonna fuckin' blow up.

[Phil burps]

- Jesus. The smell of the liquor of barbecue sauce, boys.

Fuck, I can't take it.

- Boys, they breath in a lot of carbon monoxide.

We're gonna have to give them mouth to mouth.

- I'm not fucking kissing these guys.

- [Julian] Ricky it's not kissing them.

It's saving their lives.

We gotta do this.

- I'm not doing it out here in the open

where people can see.

Let's get the fuckin' wheelbarrow. Move them somewhere.

- [Julian] All right. We'll take them back to your place,

but let's hurry up. We're wasting time.

- Let's load em up.

[lawn mower motor]

- [Bubbles] Okay. We'll get through here.

- [Ricky] Fuck, it's every now there's no way

I'm doing that shit on Phil Collins.

All right. We'll draw cigarettes then.

- Then those are my cigarettes.

- Shut up, Ricky.

- How does this work, dude?

- Okay. Short one gets Phil.

- Whoa

- Thank fuck.

[Bubbles pants]

- For fuck sakes I gotta do it on Phil?

He smells like mackerel.

- You want Randy or Lahey?

- Fuckin' take Lahey I guess.

- Idea boys. Here take the tin foil.

Poke a hole and put it over the mouth.

That way. There's no lip to lip contact.

- [Ricky] Great idea buddy.

- [Julian] Lets go, lets go, lets go!

- Okay, boys, look pinch the nose, tilt the head back.

Lock on and start blowing air into them.

[all blowing]

- Oh my God. What happened?

Crazy cheeseburger probably got outta hand

Lucy call an ambulance right now.

- Oh God,

- You gotta keep driving the air to them boys.

[Phil burps loud]

- Jesus Christ Phil exploded.

[Julian and Ricky coughing]

- [Ricky] My gosh stink.

Oh, my fuck it worked.

Get some fresh air you fucking dummies.

what are we doing barbecuing?

- Come on, Phil you a big guggling bastard.

- Oh Lahey.

God , Ricky do I got mackerel ju-

- Did some welding on the bunks.

Got them reinforced, put a fancier end on them.

And my ski goggles there in case I need them

Over here look, my dance records.

I've been practicing some dance moves.

Put those on it teaches you how to dance.

You know, one, two, one, two, three,

one, two, one, two, three

That type stuff.

You know, it's mostly all just kitty stuff.

You know, there's an old picture of me and Julian

that I found.

But it's mostly just, you know, kitty stuff.

Got my karaoke machine. Got that brand new.

So I've been, you know, practicing.

Singing, there's an open mic contest coming up that

I'm gonna enter.

Oh yeah. Look at this. That's an original.

That's an original Bionic man.

Bionic man adventure suit.

That was the suit you'd put on Steve Austin.

Look at that.

From the 1970s.

I had one of these when I was a little guy

and it got all fucked up.

Randy broke it when he was a kid, you know,

got mustard stains on it and whatnot.

So that's a brand new one in the case.

That's probably worth load of money.

I'm not gonna open that. I'm gonna.

I'm gonna leave her right in there. Oh.

- Get up there you son of a.

Oh yeah. Can you get a shot of that too?

Look at that up there.

Somebody gave me that.

Wayne Gretzky. Wayne Gretzky doll.

Gonna keep that in the pack too.

Cuz that's probably worth a lot of money.

Kitties on the ceiling and a fan. Look a fan sent me that.

Look that roll with my kitties hard as fuck.

Which I am.

So anyway, that's pretty much the,

the whole shed right there.

I mean, I don't know if anybody's ever lived in a shed,

but it's fuckin', it's good livin baby.

- Okay. JL.

I caught my 16 year old stepson smokin a weed in the house.

As the adult took his weekend away.

This little shit had thought this was a good time

to negotiate the terms of his punishment

and asked if he could be grounded for a weekend

sometime next month.

Because he has plans for all the other weekends.

Jesus Christ, man.

Okay. Should I be a dick stepdad that tells him no.

Or should I let him take his weekend of grounding when it's

more convenient?

Because according to him

it was only dirt, weed he was smokin'.

Are you fuckin' kidding me?

From your cop fan in South Carolina.

Okay. This is, this is fucked.

See this, cops aren't that smart.

Okay. Obviously.

And this, this guy right here, he says here,

I don't want to be a dickhead dad or stepdad should-

I mean, why don't you just be a fuckin' cop?

If he's bothering you that much,

take out the fuckin', take out the badge and say

listen to your little fucker.

Pin him up against the wall.

Read the mother fuckers rights and say,

I will take you to jail right now you little cunt.

If you wanna fuckin' do this shit in my house.

Be a useless piece of shit.

Become the bad Lieutenant man on him.

Okay. That this is easy.

I can't believe a cop is asking me for advice.

Because I mean your, the step son, he,

he needs an attitude adjustment.

Okay. He's in your fuckin' house, smoking weed.

You're a cop.

- Did you ever get to fly any like,

crazy top secret planes or you probably can't tell me.

- I flew about a hundred different types of airplanes.

But nothing too top secret.

Lots of different airplanes, some old airplanes,

some new airplanes F/A-18 a great airplane.

I love flying.

- I got to fly the Hawk too.

- You flew the hawk?

- I did fly the hawk.

- How'd you like the Hawk?

- I loved the Hawk.

We did. We did some really low stuff,

like 50 feet off the ground.

- Yep.

- Which was awesome.

We did. But, I mean, in the Hornet,

I got to go straight up to 40,000 feet after take off.

Straight up.

- Did you throw up?

- No, I didn't.

- All right.

- Not in the Hornet.

I went straight up. We leveled off,

straight down and then he just, you know,

he gave me the stick and I got to do that.

And then last week I was flying to Vegas.

I got to go to Vegas on a private jet.

- Nice.

And I had some liquor drinks

and they let me fly a Falcon 900ex.

- After the liquor drinks?

- Yeah. Well I probably shouldn't be saying that on the TV,

but I had a couple, you know, I wasn't, I was just,

you know, flying her like this just light.

I wasn't putting her into,

didn't try to roll or anything like that.

- Right.

- So, oh yeah, I want to ask you about the, the comet too.

With the Rosetta mission.

Did you, what did you think of that?

I'm sure you thought it was pretty cool.

- I thought it was pretty- what'd you think of that?

I thought it was very cool.

- I thought it was unbelievable.

- Yeah.

- That you can, you know, put a rocket up there,

chase the comet around-

- For 10 years.

10 Years.

- 10 Years. I know when they had,

they had to slingshot off the planets to gain some speed.

And catch up to her.

- Yeah, it's amazing.

And then they, they popped this little guy off the top.

Like a.

This little satellite was sitting on top of the big Rosetta

and they just went pop and then it fell for seven hours.

Just slow, like a little dandelion seed

until finally it went all the way down

and hit the comet and then it was goin' slow

But we didn't hold on so it bounced

and because there's no gravity it bounced for like two hours

and then slowly came down

and bounced and bounced and bounced.

Then eventually land on its side on the comet.

But it was working and it took pictures

and it's maybe it'll get enough sunshine

that it'll start working again.

It's a pretty cool thing.

- Oh, I think, well, I've got faith.

I think it's gonna,

it's gonna shoot by the sun.

And the sun's gonna recharge its batteries.

And it's gonna start transmitting again.

That's what I'm.

- I'm hoping.

- I'm betting on that.

- I'm thinking I think is one of the coolest things ever.

Now we could do that. You know, that was brave.

That was cool. That was real space stuff.

- That is real space stuff. I mean.

- You know what that is.

That's decent.

- That is decent.

- I think.

- [Julian] We'll do another one of these. Okay.

- I started slow, but I'm having fun now guys,

we shouldn't stop.

- I need some fuckin' ice.

- I need some fuckin' ice .

How about have a beer?

- How about maybe you have some ice here next time we do-

- Wait here's another headline.

- Bowl of ice

- Fuckin' Jesus.

- Here's another headline. This is interesting.

It says the Rock is looking for a weightlifting partner.

He's looking for somebody in a tight black shirt.

- Holy fuck.

That's real funny.

- Tight black shirt.

- You know what? Turn this off.

- Prefers em to have a gotee. Julian.

- Computers off. You're just fucking being a dick now.

[crosstalk]

- [Ricky] All the things.

- He's being a Dick.

We're done.

- [Ricky] No, we're not.

- Have a good-

- The Rock is looking for a-

- Fuckin' life everyone-

- Weight lifting partner.

- Fuck off Bubbs.

- We still go beer. We still got hash.

We have weed. We have honey oil.

We have gas.

- So let's turn this off

and go do all of it.

- Well, we gotta do a proper sign off.

All right. Thanks for.

- Should I have another nap?

- We're trying to do a sign off.

Do whatever you want. Rick.

- I should just nap for 20 minutes boys,

and then we'll keep it going all right?

- Go have a fuckin' nap.

- Okay. Ricky, I'll do sign off while you.

- All right.

- All right. Well, thanks for listening, Ricky.

- Just end it Bubbs.

- Why don't you go in on the couch?

[Trailer Park Boys theme]

- [Julian] Nice pillow.

- So why does he do that?

- [Julian] Nice fuckin' pillow.

- Why wouldn't you take the 10 steps

to a nice comfy couch with a pillow?

- Bubbs

- For those of you at home who can't see this.

Ricky has curled up on the kitchen table

and is using a chip bowl, a chip bowl

for a pillow, glass chip bowl.

- All right.

See you later. Cheers.

- Yep.

[Trailer Park Boys theme]