Original subtitles

- Warning.

The following program contains really coarse language, weed,

alcohol consumption, smoking, and sexual inferences.

This content may not be suitable for viewers under 18

to activate parental controls, please press

the big go [beep] yourself button on your remote control!

[piano music]

- Events that are happening right now, I guess,

or close to right now.

- [Sighs] You don't need to explain to people

what a current event is, Ricky

- Oh, people might think its a [beep] like a river current.

It's an event that's happening in a [beep] river.

- [Julian] Holy [beep], Ricky.

- Nobody would ever think that.

Nobody would ever go, oh [beep], they're gonna talk

about things that are happening in the river.

- Well, I'm the only guy right now that's high,

that's [beep] drinking beer that maybe

when you said current, the first thing

I thought of was a [beep] river.

Is that what you're saying? Fine.

- Next topic. Besides a river.

- We haven't done a topic yet.

- We haven't even-we don't want to talk about a river.

It doesn't make any sense.

- I wasn't going to, I said, it's events

that are happening right now or close to now.

I was explained what it was

not a river [beep] current for people

that might have thought it was a [beep] river current.

What is a [beep] event happening close to now? [beep]!

- California drought.

- [Julian] Yeah, that's a bad one.

- That's a big [beep] current issue.

- [Ricky] Is this a band? A show?

Or what the [beep] are we talking about?

- [Julian] It's a drought. Ricky.

There's no rain. There's like, they're,

they're having problems.

- [Bubbles] They're running outta [beep] water.

- [Julian] Running water.

- Okay! It's dry. - [Julian] It's dry.

- California dry. - [Bubbles÷} California

is [beep] losing it's water.

- That's right. There's gotta be ways to fix that.

- Well, okay, tell- how would you

fix the drought problem in California Ricky?

- First thing that comes to mind

with this buzz on is big [beep] fans.

Big, big [beep] fans. You put them up high enough

they blow rain clouds down there

rain on the [beep] place for a few days.

- Fans in the sky, blowing the clouds down.

How the [beep] you? We don't.

[Cross talk]

- Let's share a rain, blow it down there.

- Blow it? So you're gonna have fans up in the

[beep] like two miles up blowing

[beep] clouds down while over.

- Why are you even trying to?

- [sighs] I don't know

- Ricky, do you know how big the [beep] fan

would have to be to blow clouds down to California?

- They build big [beep] ship boys.

- [Bubbles] You know, Ricky, I'm talking.

- Aircraft characters, all that [beep]

they build that [beep], they can build a big [beep] fan.

That's big and high, bigger and taller than the CN tower.

And it blows [beep] clouds. Maybe it moves.

So it kind of blows the clouds and follows

them and keeps blowing them until

they get to where you need them.

- You're talking like a big [beep] like spaceship,

like some from star wars or something here Ricky.

- You could do that too, you could build

a [beep] spaceship that had like a big tarp behind

it like a trawler. Instead of trawling for fish,

you catch a cloud and trawl the [beep] the thing down there

and let it rain, - [Julian] You catch-you catch

a [beep] cloud. Are you kidding me?

Catching [beep] clouds.

- Bye, California dry.

- So you want to catch clouds on a big

aircraft carrier type of thing.

That's in the sky and ship it over to California.

- We're just [beep] shooting out ideas here, guys.

I dumbest buzz on.

- I think that that's one of the dumbest things you've ever

said. Maybe.

- That's a cure for everything. Isn't it.

- Cure for everything.

- What do you mean? - You got a desert?

Not anymore, blow a cloud down there

now it's [beep] nice and wet grass

is growing people living there.

- [Julian] You just, you can't blow

[beep] clouds from- - Not yet you can.

- [sighs] Ricky, oh my [beep]

- What else can we solve? What else you got?

That's just one idea maybe someone

take that idea and make some sense of it and

do something that might work.

[bubbling sound]

[lighter flicks]

[bubbling sound]

[breathing in]

[choking]

- Oh, we rolling yet, bud?

- Yep. Waiting for you, bud.

[bubbling sound]

- You're waiting for me? - Yep

- How you doing everybody, Randy here.

I'm here on the, what the [beep]?

What's it, it's called. Ask me [beep] anything.

That's right, right? Did I say it right? - Right.

Ask me [beep] anything on swear net.

And I'm just here on the, the Randy and Lahey show set.

And we got a bunch of questions here that, that came in.

Just have a little bit of my honey bong cause

there's nothing like a little bit of a honey bong

you know, it helps me relax and stuff.

And, and we got questions from,

I think they came in from Facebook and,

and from the, the swear net site.

And they want ask Randy questions

so I'm gonna answer them. All right.

Ask me [beep] anything. That's a pretty crazy name.

All right. We'll just put that there. [exhale]

Okay, this one here. Question number one is from Lisa.

It says, dear Randy, why do shirts make you itchy?

But not pants or socks or ginch or anything?

Hmm. have you been wearing blue bags

under your pants this whole time? No.

No I haven't. Or, or have you thought of

making shirts out of the same

material as your pants for the occasions

you absolutely need to wear one.

Yeah. Sometimes they make you wear a frigging shirt.

You know, you can't even get into a place

if you don't get a shirt on [beep]

and it, anyway it says, PS,

please don't ever grow a porn stash again.

Okay. Well anyway, that mustache, you know,

you gotta sometimes experiment with the way you look

and you know, I'm a handsome man.

I'm well built, and sometimes that mustache

people took me pretty serious when I had that mustache,

but it started to get in my nose a little bit.

And, and you know, in the wintertime,

your nose runs and it gets a little bit of a snot in there

and it freezes and it doesn't look that good.

So I got rid of it, but the whole,

the whole shirt thing is, well that's,

that's kind of a personal question.

I have not tried to make shirt out

of the same material as my pants.

I mean, my pants, these are nice pants

that I don't get itchy.

And these tighty whities are good. They,

they keep your scrotum close to your body.

So it doesn't hang so much. I mean,

or tighter boxers, you need to have-be tight

in that region because you don't

want floppy, floppy scrotum.

And the whole thing is, well, it happened when I was young.

Mr. Lahey says that sometimes

your brain can control things that,

there it's inexplicable psychosomatics or something,

he said it was because what happened was

I went to a parade, you know,

when I was probably about five or six and the,

a horse was going by and the horse stopped,

and it had to have a pee and a poop.

So because, you know,

and when you're on a horse and it has a poop,

the whole thing shakes, and the poop comes out,

it doesn't come out looking the same as ours,

'cause they eat hay and stuff, but he had a big pee,

a big had horses, have big horse [beep]

big that's a big thing. And he was peeing

and Ricky came up behind me and pushed me.

And I got caught, I got caught underneath the

horse pee and, you know it got all over

the shirt that I was wearing and was a weird

frigging material and stuck to me.

And the doctors had to peel it off. And anyway,

since then I get rashes when I wear shirts

and you know, you get pimply and, and no,

you know, I, I don't like freaking shirts.

They can freaking suck it. Okay.

So that's, that's enough about that.

I got [beep] on by a horse and maybe

in my brain thinks that I can't wear shirts,

so I'm not gonna wear them.

Frick 'em.

- Now I'd like to just read a letter from some of our,

some of our previous radio [stuttering] listeners.

This comes from Brian McKenzie who says dear Ricky Brown.

Are you an ordained minister? Well,

let's just talk about that for a minute.

Ricky brown don't need no mother [beep]

certificate to speak the Lord's words. All right.

The Lord came to Ricky Brown and spoke to him

and told him what to do.

Does Gloria need a certificate for

the delicious potato salad? No.

Do you need a certificate to say that you took,

you know, the perfect [beep] when you did,

after you ate too much food and you get up the next day and

now you done Ricky Brown [indistinct].

Because the word of Lord can't be measured

by a piece of paper.

Now I understand that there's a lot of piece of papers in

the book that I'm reading, but that's because

it's the word on the paper. Let's just continue,

shall we? James 5:7 Be patient,

then, brothers and sisters, until the Lord's coming

See the farmer who's patient for crops.

You too brother stand. These [beep] lights is hot,

man, [beep] these like, hold on.

Excuse me, can you stop for me please?

Why these [beep] lights so hot, man.

I told you, this is the first time on the [beep] air.

You know what I'm saying? I'm sweating like a pig up here.

They can't [beep] breathe and [beep].

Trying to look good for other people, man.

Getting [indistinct] I know who it was.

I see you back there. I know it was you,

now turn the God [beep] [beep] down Marlo or I'll

smack you upside your face. You looking for a new job.

[beep] Rick man. Oh, well it seems

that's all the time we had and we just

talking about patience. Well, thanks to your patience,

We, managed to give you the word of Lord today.

So lets play some music, please.

[church organ plays]

[quietly] [beep] my nuts itch.

Let us hang our head in prayer.

[church organ plays]

Okay, let's hold on a minute, listen,

can you play something really upbeat?

Like, I mean [beep] rocking. You know what I mean?

Watch me, hold on. Ready? I mean something like,

I mean you got some soul [beep]

like anything like man [mumbling]

Yeah, here we go. [Singing] Ricky Brown

y'all, hit it!

[church organ]

[scuffling]

Thank you Gloria!

[cymbal tapping]

[tinkling sound]

[slow soul music]

A lot of people used to say that Ricky Brown

shoved the word down their throat too much.

And possibly, maybe he did shove it

down the throat too much, maybe a little too hard.

Ricky Brown I mean he actually,

I actually tear the paper out,

and shove it down the throat. But sometimes, you know,

they just ain't listening and sometimes

you need to have drastic measures to listen.

That's what Ricky Brown was taught by his daddy.

When his daddy used to, you know,

shove food down his throat, that he didn't like, or,

you know, smash his face into a book

when he didn't want to study.

And of course, you know Ricky Brown

certainly started getting better grades after that.

And he, certainly ate the food that he was,

demanded to eat. You say sometimes

he was made to watch other things too,

but we won't get into that. The main thing is,

is that maybe Ricky Brown was a little

too harsh with how he was putting the word down his throat.

But you know, God is a hard God and God is

not a compassionate God. You know, God's

a bit of a [beep] [beep] mad at you smack you around.

Not afraid to grab you by the throat.

Not afraid to when you say yo, this is my problem.

And God says, you know what?

I don't care, it is what it is.

And Ricky Brown teaches that word way there.

And, Ricky brown is happy to teach a word.

[music fades out]

- Hey, this is Bubbles. Welcome to kitty of the week.

[Laughs]

[Meows]

This week's kitty of the week is

this little gal right here. This is Jo-Jo,

Jo-Jo's a two year old gray and white

domestic short hair. Excellent kitty.

I mean, this is where you want

to get your kitties at shelters like

this. This is why you want to get them is because they're

you know, they're looked after this cat's got all

its, you know, it's needles and spaid

and all that stuff, all taken care of.

She's just ready to go let's see

what this Jo-Jo would like based on her demeanor.

I think she might like, oh I think she might like this guy.

Okay Jo-Jo, look at this.

Look who's this is the guy I built here.

This is Corporal Spoony. [laughs]

[playful mumbling] Hey,

hey look down here, who's this?

- Hello?

- No, you're not really. You know what?

You might not be a spoon kitty.

You might not be a spoon kitty.

Let me put on my Dangler glove.

This here's a Dangler glove I built watch this,

you want to get a kitties attention?

You're just kind of like this and then,

[cooing] who's got your attention now.

That's my Dangler glove. See that?

See that? Yeah. And then you can come in for a pat.

Oh yeah you like that. See that,

you can kill two birds with one stone or what

Ricky says get two birds stoned at once.

You know you can do some neck work.

Jo-Jo is one excellent kitty.

And she's there for the taking,

you know for the right person.

That's a certified excellent kitty right there.

[camera shutter]

[writing]

[meow]

- Oh my [beep] [laughs] it's the [beep]

good kind too. A lot of people don't know this,

but like pepperoni's like a complete meal.

You get everything you need in one [beep] meal

in a package and it's [beep] delicious.

Come on. What the [beep]?

- [Justin] Jesus [beep] Christ, Ricky.

I gotta get my protein, hurry the [beep] up.

- Justin, [beep] off I'm trying

to get this [beep] pepperoni out of here.

- [Justin] What are [beep] you eating at all?

You greedy [beep] pig. - I'm just, oh yes!

I'm taking the rest of the [beep] pepperoni Justin.

- Like [beep] you are. - Well you can have some

[beep] lunch meat, I don't like the lunch meat.

[background chatter]

[machine beeping]

The [beep] is going on in here?

What the [beep] you gimme back my money for

and I don't want the money back

I want my [beep] pepperoni. God [beep].

Okay. Be nice to me, I'll be nice to you.

We're going to try this again,

[beeping]

[beep] off! [pounding on machine]

- [Justin] You [beep] done yet?

- It won't [beep] gimme my pepperoni.

No one's using this machine I get it,

it's eating my money here.

- Why is that my [beep] problem?

- [pounding] [beep] off. [machine beeping]

- Just gotta [beep] hit the [beep] buttons.

Doesn't [beep] work!

- What the [beep] did you do man?

I don't, [beep]. God [beep] it,

now I don't have enough [beep] money do I?

Here we go, come on. Why won't it

give me the [beep] pepperoni.

C three, C [beep] three!

[slamming into machine]

It took-it just ate my [beep] money.

Are you kidding me? [grunting]

[beep] [beep] pepperoni you [beep]

sucking [beep], [beep]!

Ugh Christ, [beep]!

I need some [beep] help here,

my [beep] arm's stuck! Jesus Christ.

- [Camera Man] He just put pepperoni in there,

so that makes sense.

- [Man] He's trying to fist that thing

like my uncle Tom, the night

he went to the God [beep] Legion too drunk.

Look at him. - That's the stupid boss.

- [groans] You're gonna have to [beep] sleep there,

idiot. - What is he saying?

- He wants help. Yeah, you know what?

He's stuck, the vending company is not back till Monday.

Get a [beep] pillow, idiot.

- I fed you the money you're supposed to give me

my [beep] food, no, you gotta be a [beep] [beep]

don't you? Jesus Christ.

It's about [beep] time. - [Woman] [laughing]

you dumb [beep].

- I need you guys to [beep] get the keys

and open this thing, my [beep] arm's stuck

and it ate my money, it's being an [beep].

- Sorry, tough luck.

- What do you mean? Sorry?

What? - We don't have the keys for this.

- What are you talking? We don't have the keys.

How the [beep] did they fill it up?

- It's an independent company. I don't know.

- Well, you're gonna have to get them down here.

I can't like-my [beep] arm, it ate it.

It must have been hungry.

- Can you give me a pepperoni while you're in there?

- I can't even [beep] I'm trying to reach

the [beep] things I can get here,

I can get you a condom or cheese and crackers.

- Well, you're gonna have to get comfortable

cause they're not gonna come till Monday. So.

- What the [beep] does that mean?

I can't sit here with my arm eaten by a vending machine.

- Looks like that's the case. Rick.

- We can get you a pillow.

- Call the company and get them down here.

I can't live like this.

- We can't call. They're not there. Sorry.

- See you on Monday, bud.

- You're [beep] joking. I hope.

- [Ricky] [beep] [beep] - Here you go bud,

I've got a little [beep] stool there.

- Oh [beep] told you. [grunts]

- This [beep] blows. - [beep] angle.

- Oh climb up there,

- Jacked up man, - yeah. There you go.

- Oh [beep] that's so much better

Thanks Terry. - Here you go,

- Oh, wicked man. - [beep] there you go.

- Oh, awesome Ter.

- All right, well have a good one, bud.

- You gonna stay and hang out? Or?

- [Terry] Oh I would. But I got like,

I got a big day tomorrow. I'm [beep] slammed and you know

that floors look a little chilly.

So can I use your leg pillow? I'm just gonna anyway.

- Ter, I might need a [beep] jug.

No? Ter? [sighs] Oh, [beep] sakes.

- [Ricky] There's nothing wrong

with saying other man's good looking.

That doesn't mean you're..

- [Julian] I'm not saying that, I'm just saying.

- I think Hulk Hogan's a fine looking specimen.

- [Ricky] There you go.

- Okay, so you've got a crush on him.

- No, I don't got a crush on him now.

- You're attracted to him now.

- I'm not, let's not get off topic.

- [Julian] You call another man beautiful

because he has a nice tan, like.

- [Bubbles] I didn't call him beautiful.

- [Julian] Beautiful, man.

- I did not see you're-

- [Julian] You attracted to Hulk Hogan.

- [Ricky] If you called me beautiful

or good looking and I wouldn't think

anything of it, I'd just be like, thanks.

- [Bubbles] I didn't call him beautiful.

I said, he's got a beautiful tan.

That's different than saying [beep] Hulk

Hogan's beautiful. - Okay. Check this out.

If The Green Bastard was in the ring with Hulk Hogan,

- Oh God. - And they'd gotten to move

and some tingling things started happening

for The Green Bastard, which would probably

happen cause he's got such a nice,

beautiful tan. He's beautiful.

- [Ricky] Jesus, boys. I'm triple [mumbles].

- Would try to bang him, if you could,

if he let you. - I would not.

- If it kinda slipped in there by mistake

and he didn't push away, would you keep going?

- What the [beep] are we talking about?

- Just say man, you've got a crush on Hulk Hogan.

It's, you wanna bang him.

- I don't want bang Hulk Hogan

- [Ricky] How did we get talking about

going from tans to banging?

- He thinks because, all I said was

he's got a beautiful tan and then he goes,

oh, you think he's beautiful?

You want bang him? - You do think he's beautiful

- Know what? - He's got a beautiful tan.

He's beautiful. And you did say he was handsome.

- There's a book by a man named Sigmund Freud

that I read one time Julian.

And guess what you talking about that?

You know what that means? - Nope.

- You want bang Hulk Hogan. - I don't wanna bang.

- You're projecting it over on me.

- Are you kidding me? -You're probably

attracted to muscles. - See, I like

the way I like the way you flipped this around, man.

- I didn't flip it around.

- You're the one that called him beautiful.

And that you wanted to bang him and wanted wrestle

and [beep]. - No, but I didn't bring it up.

You did. And it's probably cause you want to,

you like his oiled up muscles,

[cross-talk]

- Okay. You may not say he is beautiful,

but do you think he has nice muscles?

- No I, don't think, [cross-talk]

- You think he has nice muscles.

- No, man. - [Ricky] You've looked at them

- He's big, he is a big dude.

- [Ricky] He must've crossed your eye.

- Good for him. Congratulations, you got really big.

- Do you have better muscles then Hulk Hogan?

- No, I don't have better muscles,

it's not a better thing here, it doesn't make any sense.

- If he challenged you to a flex off would you take him off?

- Well the international body building

championships would disagree that it's not a better thing.

- He's [beep] huge man. He's way bigger than me.

Okay. - So you are attracted to.

- [laughs] no, I'm not, - [Ricky] maybe

a little jealous. - This is [beep] ridiculous.

I'm not, I don't even like-I'm not a fan of Hulk

- Look I can admit he's got a beautiful tan.

You should just admit that you're attracted to his muscles.

- Anyways, - I'm not attracted to his muscles.

- Whether or not he has a beautiful tan,

and you do or do not like his muscles.

He's dropping in bombs and that's pretty [beep].

- [Bubbles Julian] Yeah.

- [Julian] Yeah, that is [beep] up.

Okay, moving on. - [beep] you Hulk Hogan

you can't do that.

- You got five more minutes here at Bubs.

- Okay. Really? Then like a nap.

- Then you can have a nap.

- I'm nap in four minutes. Just so you guys,

cause this beer will be gone in about, excuse me,

three minutes. - I can't get it working.

- What the [beep]. - Oh my [beep]

- We can probably just wrap it up.

- Do you want me to [beep]

- We can wrap it up, I think.

- Wrap it up? - Yeah?

- Oh, we could talk about other things, man.

- It's time for my drinking nap.

I'll be good in about an hour.

- All right, Ricky, take a nap

and I'll get reconfigured here.

- What does it mean we're done now.

- Ricky.

[clattering]

- Why didn't you just go into the living room?

Go on the [beep] sofa.

[light piano music]

[birds chirping]

[water flowing]

[boat engine]

[chattering]

[static]

[whispering]