All language subtitles for Trailer.Park.Boys.The.SwearNet.Show.Series.S01E09.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-NPMS_track3_[eng]

- [Ricky] Warning.

The following program contains

really coarse language, weed,

alcohol consumption, smoking,
and sexual infer-lences.

This content may not be suitable

for viewers under 18.

To activate parental controls,

please press the big go
[beep] yourself button

on your remote control!

[cheerful music]

- Can you say,
"Humming for stink?"

- Humming
- He's humming.

- Oh, he's humming.

He's got a hum to him.

- You know what?

- I've heard that, but it
makes no sense.

Is it so stinky that it
actually makes a little noise?

- I don't know what that means.

[Ricky humming]

- Or is it like "Woo!"

- I don't think that's it.

That's "Woo hoo!"

It'd be a hum.

There's a hum coming off you.

Yeah. It's like
that's the stink.

- I know what a hummer is.

- What's a hummer, Ricky?

- You know a thing that
the ladies do to you.

- Ladies do you a hummer?

- Yeah man. Isn't that a hummer?

- So what is the hummer?

I've never heard of the hummer.

What is that?

- Getting a hummer.

- Getting a hummer

- It's a BJ.

- Yeah.

- Oh!
- It's a BJ!

- A BJ is called a hummer?

- Yep.

- All right. So what's
happening, guys.

[horn honking]

- Holy Fuck!

- 'Cause I'm fucking not
in a good mood as it is

and I got this hammer
'cause I wanna fucking

smash some shit.
- Why are you in bad mood?

- What is wrong with you?

- Car troubles, guys.

Jacob fucked my car

and they're not even sure
if they can find

the fucking parts to
fix it 'cause it's old.

- Jacob fucked your car,
literally?

- Probably, after
that story we saw

about the minivan, he may have.

But rear end, fucked.

- And how did Jacob do it?

- I don't fucking knows!
He's dumb.

He was probably jamming it.

The gear shift doesn't
work fucking great

and he probably was just
fucking it too much.

And it just said, "Fuck you,"
and blew up.

- Or it's from years of you
living in the fucking thing

and not really
taking care of it.

Maybe that's the problem.

- What the fuck is that
supposed to mean?

- You've just, well,

remember I gave you that
car years back?

- Yes.
- It was in fucking

beautiful condition, man.

- It wasn't mint.

- It was about 98%.

- It was pretty fucking nice,
Ricky.

- And you fucked it over.

[hammer smashes]

- Sorry, but I've got a lot of
fucking aggression right now.

I don't mean to smash shit

but I brought a few things.
- What are you smashing?

- Better to smash things
than to smash people.

[horn honks]

- You gotta get this
away from me.

- You guys aren't helping
me fucking feel better.

- You gotta be more positive,
Ricky.

You gotta come in with a
positive fucking vibe to you.

You can't come in with a
fucking hammer.

- Boy's I'm fucking...

Look, where am I gonna
get money to fix a car

if it can even be fixed,
or get a new car?

We're gonna have to do some
fucking jobs or something.

- We'll do some jobs.

- Right on. Bubs?

- What kind of jobs?

- Jobs.

- It's not really a job, Ricky.

- Okay.

Okay, do you wanna live
in the fucking thing,

or do you want it
driving around?

- Well, if I can't fix my car,

then I'll just keep it
as a cottage or whatever

and I'll have to get a new car.

- Okay.

- You can't get a car for
less than what,

700 bucks these days?

- Well, you can, but
the thing is,

if you're just gonna get
a car for driving around,

you don't need a big,
fucking crazy, long car

that's like a gas guzzler.

Maybe we'll get you
something smaller?

- When you go car shopping,

you're looking in
the $700 range?

- You can usually get a
pretty decent car

for seven, 800 bucks,
but that's a lotta money.

but you know, new
cars are fucked.

You're lucky if you can
get a cigarette lighter.

It's ridiculous.

No ashtrays.

What the fuck?

- You know what you need?

You need a 1985 Volkswagen
Rabbit, four door, diesel.

- A Rabbit?

- There's four door Rabbits?

- Yeah man.

You can get those real cheap.

- I don't buy anything that
has the name "Rabbit" in it.

- Then what about rabbit stew?

- I meant cars.

- You know what I think
you should get?

You should get a fucking,
like an '82 LTD.

- Yeah. They're pretty big.

I spend a lot of time
in the cop cars,

the old LTDs.

Nice fucking cop cars.

- Yeah. That's why I picked it.

You're used to the back
seat of those things.

- Those old Malibus,

with the four barrels.

- Yeah.
- Those are nice cars.

- Your mother had a
four barrel, didn't she?

[Bubbles laughs]

- Yeah.

- Well, I owed you one.

- You know what? That's okay,
man.

You can joke around.

- What was it on?

- What?

- What?

- What did she have the
four barrel on?

- You know.

- What do you mean "You know"?

You're pointing down.

[Ricky laughs]

- Down there.

- Just kind of mounted
right on the top?

- Yep.

[Ricky chuckles]

- Mount it right on the front.

- And why would it be
mounted there?

What what's it for?

- I don't know.

She's got a four barrel.

So she can take four on at once.

[Bubbles laughs]

- If you pound her hard enough,

the other two barrels open up.

[Ricky and Bubbles laughing]

- The other two barrels open up.

- She's normally just
a two barrel.

- Yeah.
- Fuck boys.

- When she really wants to
bring the power

[Ricky laughs]

- The other two pop
open [growls]

- Well, hopefully, if she ever
comes back one of these days,

you guys can play with
the four barrel, okay?

But she's never gonna come back.

- I don't wanna play with
your mother's four barrel.

Believe me.

- No, she'd probably
be some big,

muscle-bound, fucking
woods woman.

- A woods woman?

- I wonder how big your
mother's muscles are.

She might be a fucking beast.

- Yep.

- She might look like
Andre the Giant in a dress.

[cheerful music]

[jail cell clank]

[hand tapping]

[Bubbles sighs]

Un-fucking-believable.

Get fucking down here
right away, Bubbles.

Get down here. I'll be
waiting for you.

[Bubbles sighs]

[pieces. tapping]

No, fuck this. I'm leaving.

Putting this away.

- You know what?

Take a long fucking suck
on this, Ronnie.

How about that?

Why don't you take that,

put it in your fucking mouth,
and suck it?

Fuck you.

- Ricky, pick up the phone.

- What?

- The fucking phone, pick it up.

- Hey buddy. Thanks for
coming down, man.

- Ricky, you said get down here

as quick as I could and
you'd be waiting for me.

I've been here 45
fucking minutes.

- 45 Minutes?

- What were you doing?

- I got in a fight with
fucking Larry

over goddamn the last bag
of dressed all over chips.

- Well, you fucking made
me wait forever.

- Well, I'm sorry about that,

but you know how important
chips are in my life.

- All right.
- so is this the same

as Checkers or what?

- Does it look the
same as Checkers?

- Pretty much, except
for the pieces.

- Ricky.

- The thing is, I have to
win this tournament, Bubs,

or I'm gonna fucking
run into more situations

where I don't have money to
buy the last bag of chips.

It's $100 prize.

Nobody will fucking
bet on Checkers.

- Okay.
- They'll bet on chest

and they'll bet on
fucking poker,

but not on fucking checkers.

It's bullshit

- Okay. Well, open your
fucking board up.

I don't have much time now.

- That I can do.

- Open it up and set
your pieces up like this.

- Okay.

[pieces rattle]

- Ricky, you... [sighs]

Does that board look
like this board?

- They're both squares.

- But look at the...

Flip it over!
- They told me

this was a chest game.

- Flip the board over, so it
looks like the checker board.

- I thought you said it
wasn't like Checkers.

- Well, it's got the same board,

but it's not the same game.

[pieces clatter]

Oh yeah. Here we go.

Ricky, just pick them off.

[pieces clatter]

You're gonna need that.

[pieces clatter]

Yeah, just like a fucking
Russian chess master.

- All right.
- Okay.

Do you even know what
the pieces are called?

- No.

- Well, they each have a name

and they each have a
specific movement.

Look, these guys, see these?

- What are those called?

- These are called pawns.

There should be eight of them

and they go across the front.

- Pause?

- Pawns.

P-A-W-N-S, okay?

- Ponds. Like a lake.

- Think of these like
Corey and Jacob.

- So they're dumb?

- They are sort of the
dumbest of the pieces.

Okay. So then look.

See these?

There's two of these.

See? It's the little
castle piece.

- I wouldn't say it's a castle.

- Well, it like a-

- Cannon?

- Okay. It's a cannon.

Yes.

They go on each
corner behind them.

- Boom. Kinda looks like
the mouth on the Predator.

- Okay. And then do you
got two horses?

- Horses?

- See the horses?

- Oh yeah.

Horse heads.

- Well, horse head. Yes.

Okay. And then see this one?

This is a bishop.

Little pointy guy with
the slit for the mouth.

He's like a knight.

He goes next to that.

And then you got your king
and your queen,

going between them.

- Which one's which?

- The king has a cross
on top of him.

- Got him, and the other
one's got a crown, I guess.

- Yep. That's the queen.

- Be easier if they
put a cock on the king.

- I can't even believe it,

that you were in
space three times.

One time for five months.

I mean, that's...

I don't even know what to say.

I probably won't get to do that.

Realistically, I'm
starting to realize

that I might have
missed my chance.

[Bubbles chuckles]

But it's awesome that you did.

- But we could simulate
space flight together.

- Well, that's what I was
gonna ask you.

I play space with Ricky

and he doesn't really get it.

I like to use space words

and I try to learn some
of the lingo and stuff.

And I know a few
things that I use,

but Ricky doesn't.

He starts talking about
space weed and Juniper and-

- Juniper?
- Yeah.

He just doesn't get it.

- Well, we could talk
space talk if you like.

- Yeah. Could you throw some
heavy launch lingo at me,

if you were talking to the-
- Sure.

- I used to say things like

"Mission Controls, this
is Commander Bubbles.

I got an MPS warning light in
the link monitor subsystem.

I'm requesting reallocation
of main OMS firing

through the CDS at level six."

That type of thing.

- Yeah. That's good.

But you gotta be careful
that you don't wanna get

your hullage down too far

'cause you get into a blow
down situation.

So you gotta watch the
helium pressure

inside the OMS tank.

- That's right. Oh yes!

Tell me more about this
OMS pressure.

- Yeah, well, in the
Reaction Control System,

of course, with the
hypergolic fuels,

when the nitrogen
tetroxide is mixing

with the ammonium nitrate,

you gotta make sure that
your pressures are good

so you don't get an
imbalance of the mixture,

otherwise, you get a
really bad combustion.

- Oh yeah.

[Bubbles giggles]

You don't want bad combustion,
do you?

- No
- No

- No.

- And maybe, so what
switches would be right here?

What would we be seeing?

- Okay, so you got

the Orbital Maneuvering
System right here,

and then the two
Reaction Control

for the left and the right
right there in front of you,

and then one for the Nose
Reaction Control System

right there, above your head.

- Decent.

- Yep.

- So when you're coming
back into reentry

in the shuttle, the
guy's flying her, right?

Like a?

- Yeah, with that hand,
you fly it.

- This hand?
- Right in the middle.

- In the middle?
- And then this one,

you handle, it's got a big,
throttle thing

for the speed break.
- Okay.

So it's like the Hornet?

I flew the Hornet.
- Yes, it is like the Hornet.

- I know. You're The Hornet.

- It's like a Hornet.
- You're the Hornet guy.

- Yep.

- Yes, I got to fly the Hornet.

- The neat thing about
the shuttle is though,

if you wanna go up and
down, you go like that.

If you wanted to roll,
you go like that.

If you want it to turn,
you just twist it.

- Oh. Decent!

- Can do the whole
thing like that.

It's pretty cool.

- That's like video game.

I have a video game that
works like that.

- Yeah. It's like a video game.

- Can I ask you about?

You were a test pilot.

- I was.

- Top test pilot in the US.

I read that.

- Yep. I was.

- What's the craziest
thing you ever had to test?

- We'd put F-18s outta
control to try and invent

new ways to get it back
under control again.

- Like a flat spin in Top Gun?

- Yep. Flat spin and all sorts

of inertial outta
control work and-

- What happens if you
can't get her though?

- Well, you wait a while

and hopefully, it'll get
down where the air's thicker

so then it'll fly a
little better.

The worst I had was it
fell for about two miles,

fell for about 30 seconds,
just outta control.

And then, eventually,
the air got thick enough

that we could make it fly again.

- Oh my god!

I didn't realize that's
exactly what test pilots do.

- So here's what you do.

You're in an F-18 and
you just push forward

on the stick a little bit
so it's gentle

and then you stand to one rudder

and the vehicle goes sideways

and then flat plates and
then took off,

and then it will go end
over end over end.

And then, you'd have
to figure out new ways

to get it back under.

- Well, when I was flying
it, the guy told me,

"Do whatever you want."

What if I had a done that?

[man laughs]

He's like, "Yeah, Bubbles.

Do whatever you want to."

So I was going straight up,
straight down, throttles.

I could have put her
into a flat spin.

Nobody told me that.

- You could have.

Well, actually, after we
did that test,

they changed the way the
airplane flies,

the flight controls, so
it'd protect you

from putting it into a
spin like that.

[cheerful violin music]

- About 2 billion people

across the world consume liquor.

A small percentage of those

fall into the
category of excess.

[cheerful violin music]

But whether you drink a
little, or you drink a lot,

every drop of liquor
tells a different story.

[cheerful violin music]

[melodic piano playing]

Good day.

Welcome to another liquor story

with your host, Jim Lahey.

Today, we're gonna try something

a little bit different.

Today, it's gonna be
a little quiz.

You're gonna guess what
kind of liquor

that we're promoting today.

I'll give you a hint.

It's not fermented.

It's brewed like beer

800 years ago

in a little place, a
little island

out in the Pacific called Japan.

Are you close?

Can you get it?

Ta-da!

Sake!

That's what we got
going for us today,

ladies and gentlemen.

Wonderful sake.

Now, I can't drink this today.

I'd love to have a
little tippy poo,

but custom says that
someone else

has to pour it for you.

The cup comes in a little
wooden box like this,

and then you pour the
thing like this.

Hayuwatha! That's what you say.

No, you say, "Cayo Bunga."

And then, you pour it in.

Someone else pours it in
and you go, "No, no, no.

That's enough."

But they keep pouring it

and it pours over the top
of the edge into the box.

Then, you drink it
and it's sweet.

Do you know what Rice
Krispies tastes like?

Something like that I guess.

I don't like this shit.

But let's be serious.

Sake is a wonderful drink.

Some people drink it hot.

Some people drink it
room temperature.

Some people drink it chilled.

If you drink it chilled,

it's because it's good
fucking sake.

That's what I'm told.

Bad sake, you heat up,

masks to the taste and
blends the flavors

back and forth.

Anyway, every time I look
at this little thing...

This was on our shelf.

This was on our mantle
piece for a couple years.

Yeah, because way back in...

Well, when was it, late 70s?

And I was, I was in
a patrol car.

I was doing night duty
'cause I was...

Well, I told you that
story before.

Anyway, it was my last break
before the end of my shift

and I was at Tim Hortons
having a double double

and I had some of them
Boston cream donuts

and I sucked the cream out

and I poured some
bourbon in the donuts

and I ate one or two of
them, and then I had a call.

It was robbery in
progress at Lee Fongs.

It was a Chinese restaurant.

And I wonder why he
would have sake,

if he's a Chinese restaurant.

His name was Bruce Lee.

Not like the other
Bruce Lee that you know.

It was not the L-E-A or L-E-E.

Different spelling.

Anyway, someone took
100 bucks from the guy.

That's not a lot of money now,

but back then, for a just
struggling Bruce Lee, it was.

So I promised that I would do

everything in my
power to find out

who stole the thing.

And I had to seize this
little bottle

as part of evidence

'cause he threw it at the
robber as he was escaping.

So I took it home

and I had it in the car.

But when I went in, I was
gonna have a little night cap

'cause Barb took all my
fucking booze

and poured it down the
fucking drain.

All the bottles lined up

like poor little
Indian soldiers,

standing beside the fridge.

And I didn't have anything.

I went out to the car,
I got my sake,

had a little sippy poo

and I put it down by
the bedside.

In the morning, Barb
woke up and said,

"What the fuck is this?"

Anyway, I told her,

it was a vessel for
sacred holy water

that this guy gave me.

And she put it on the mantle

and she wouldn't let me
fucking take it.

So I scrapped the
report on Bruce Lee.

Every time I look, that was
when I started drinking.

Bad, hard, good times.

So every time I see this
little Chinese lady from Japan,

I always think,

"What would I be like if
I didn't drink?"

Well, I don't drinks sake,
so that's a fucking progress.

[soft piano playing]

- Jeremiah Slagle?

Is that Slagle or Stagle?

Slagle or Stagle.

Whatever the fuck it is.

Jeremiah.

"My girl and I wanna bring
another girl into the mix."

Hm.

"She has this chick in mind.

When she's sitting next to me,
I smell..."

Oh Jesus!

"But when she's
sitting next to me,

I smell seafood." [laughs]

Jesus Christ.

"Should I say 'Fuck it'
and get a clothespin

or just get a blowup doll?"

Okay, man. Blow up dolls,
that's fucking weird.

Okay?

Some dudes in jail, they
get ahold of those things.

I don't know. It's pretty
fucking gross.

You're banging a fucking
doll, a blow up doll.

That's pretty fucked up.

Don't do that.

Clothespin?

That's not gonna work, man.

What you gotta do,

you gotta start this
threesome off in the shower.

Go down with the little rubby,
dub, dub,

get everything nice and clean,

use one of those fucking,
those little scrubby things.

Just get all the bits
and pieces clean,

get your thing going,
and then maybe,

you do that every day,

she's not gonna smell like fish.

I guarantee you.

Okay?

Threesomes in the
shower every day.

Then at night, you're
okay to go down

and do whatever you
gotta do in bed

'cause it won't smell
like seafood.

Don't blame you, man.
I don't like seafood.

Makes me sick.

Moving on to Michelle,

All right, Michelle.

"Dear Julian. I love my
rum and Coke.

However, I am wondering if Coke

or Diet Coke are more healthy.

Coke has corn syrup and
diet has aspartame

or sucralose, or sweetener."

Whatever, all that shit.

"Of course neither is healthy,

but which would you think
is better for keeping fit?"

All right. You
definitely gotta go

with the Diet Coke, all right?

It doesn't taste nearly as good,

but you gotta go for that.

I don't know.

What I like to do sometimes,

have a few normal pops,

normal Cokes, then
switch it up a bit,

get in some diet.

Just go back and forth,

and then maybe,

try drinking it with water,
okay?

If you really want to get
fit or whatever,

drink it with water.

Doesn't taste that bad.

Lots of ice cubes though.

All right, there you go.

That's it for another
session of "Dear Julian."

Hope things helped you out here,

you guys and your lives.

But if it didn't, like I said,

I don't give a fuck.

This is not what I do.

Thank you.

[melodic piano playing]

- Bubs?

You're a woman.

[Ricky laughs]

- I'm not though, so it's
hard to process.

- Well, just pretend that
you're a girl.

- I'm not a girl, I'm Bubbles.

- All right. I'll make
it easier for you then.

Amy Poehler.

- I think she's lovely.

- Yeah. She is pretty lovely.

- And she's funny as fuck too.

She makes me laugh.

- No, I know if
Julian was a woman,

he would definitely bang
this next one.

Marc Anthony.

'Cause remember you used
to do that fucking dance?

♪ Living la vida lotion

- What?

No, man.

I never did the "La
vida lotion".

♪ He will bring you down

- What song are you singing?

- Living la vida lotion.

- No, man!

That wasn't Marc Anthony.

That was what's his
fucking name?

- That was Ricky Martin.

- Oh Fuck! That's right.

What was Marc Anthony?

I know you liked him too.

- [Bubbles] Living
La Vida Lotion

- I've never listened to
Mark Anthony tunes, man.

- He has a lot of sexual songs.

You like those.

- Sexual songs?

- Sex music.

[Ricky laughs]

When you're wearing
your sex underwear

- It would've been BB
King's birthday today.

So I wanted to say that for you,
Bubs.

[imitates guitar]

- David Cockerfield.

Copperfield.

- Yeah? What about him?

- Would you bang him?

[Ricky laughs]

- Would you, Ricky?

- All right, I'll just
stick to ladies.

- Yeah.

- Yeah. What if
you're Richelina?

- Definitely. I'd bang
whatever I could.

Fuck it. Especially,
these famous celebrities.

Bang the shit outta them.

- Okay.

Molly Shannon?

- Yep.

- Yeah.

- Julian, you're gonna
love this one.

One of your fucking idols.

- [Julian] Oh God!

- Mickey Rourke.

- Mickey Rourke?

- You would bang the
shit outta him,

if you were a girl.

- No I wouldn't man.

- You thought he was
the fucking man

after ten and a half weeks

or eight and a half
weeks or what?

- Nine and a half weeks.
- Nine and a half months.

- No, man.

Kim Basinger man.

She was awesome.

- But you did comment
about Mickey a lot.

- What did I say about Mickey?

- You said "Fuck, he
really works out.

He looks good without
a shirt on."

- I once said, "He's fucking
good with the ladies."

That's what I was saying.

- You said, "He must work out-
- He's smooth, man.

- And he's got a
really nice body.

- I didn't say that, man.

I said he was a smooth
fucking operator.

I did look up to him
in that movie.

- He was quite a machine,
Mickey Rourke.

- All right.

- [Bubbles] Is that it, Ricky?

- Let's go break into cars.

[cheerful music]

[waves crashing]

[seagulls calling]

- [Fish] Fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

[electronics whoosh]

- [Man] Fuck off!