Original subtitles

- [Ricky] Warning.

The following program contains

really coarse language, weed,

alcohol consumption, smoking, and sexual infer-lences.

This content may not be suitable

for viewers under 18.

To activate parental controls,

please press the big go [beep] yourself button

on your remote control!

[cheerful music]

- Can you say, "Humming for stink?"

- Humming - He's humming.

- Oh, he's humming.

He's got a hum to him.

- You know what?

- I've heard that, but it makes no sense.

Is it so stinky that it actually makes a little noise?

- I don't know what that means.

[Ricky humming]

- Or is it like "Woo!"

- I don't think that's it.

That's "Woo hoo!"

It'd be a hum.

There's a hum coming off you.

Yeah. It's like that's the stink.

- I know what a hummer is.

- What's a hummer, Ricky?

- You know a thing that the ladies do to you.

- Ladies do you a hummer?

- Yeah man. Isn't that a hummer?

- So what is the hummer?

I've never heard of the hummer.

What is that?

- Getting a hummer.

- Getting a hummer

- It's a BJ.

- Yeah.

- Oh! - It's a BJ!

- A BJ is called a hummer?

- Yep.

- All right. So what's happening, guys.

[horn honking]

- Holy Fuck!

- 'Cause I'm fucking not in a good mood as it is

and I got this hammer 'cause I wanna fucking

smash some shit. - Why are you in bad mood?

- What is wrong with you?

- Car troubles, guys.

Jacob fucked my car

and they're not even sure if they can find

the fucking parts to fix it 'cause it's old.

- Jacob fucked your car, literally?

- Probably, after that story we saw

about the minivan, he may have.

But rear end, fucked.

- And how did Jacob do it?

- I don't fucking knows! He's dumb.

He was probably jamming it.

The gear shift doesn't work fucking great

and he probably was just fucking it too much.

And it just said, "Fuck you," and blew up.

- Or it's from years of you living in the fucking thing

and not really taking care of it.

Maybe that's the problem.

- What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

- You've just, well,

remember I gave you that car years back?

- Yes. - It was in fucking

beautiful condition, man.

- It wasn't mint.

- It was about 98%.

- It was pretty fucking nice, Ricky.

- And you fucked it over.

[hammer smashes]

- Sorry, but I've got a lot of fucking aggression right now.

I don't mean to smash shit

but I brought a few things. - What are you smashing?

- Better to smash things than to smash people.

[horn honks]

- You gotta get this away from me.

- You guys aren't helping me fucking feel better.

- You gotta be more positive, Ricky.

You gotta come in with a positive fucking vibe to you.

You can't come in with a fucking hammer.

- Boy's I'm fucking...

Look, where am I gonna get money to fix a car

if it can even be fixed, or get a new car?

We're gonna have to do some fucking jobs or something.

- We'll do some jobs.

- Right on. Bubs?

- What kind of jobs?

- Jobs.

- It's not really a job, Ricky.

- Okay.

Okay, do you wanna live in the fucking thing,

or do you want it driving around?

- Well, if I can't fix my car,

then I'll just keep it as a cottage or whatever

and I'll have to get a new car.

- Okay.

- You can't get a car for less than what,

700 bucks these days?

- Well, you can, but the thing is,

if you're just gonna get a car for driving around,

you don't need a big, fucking crazy, long car

that's like a gas guzzler.

Maybe we'll get you something smaller?

- When you go car shopping,

you're looking in the $700 range?

- You can usually get a pretty decent car

for seven, 800 bucks, but that's a lotta money.

but you know, new cars are fucked.

You're lucky if you can get a cigarette lighter.

It's ridiculous.

No ashtrays.

What the fuck?

- You know what you need?

You need a 1985 Volkswagen Rabbit, four door, diesel.

- A Rabbit?

- There's four door Rabbits?

- Yeah man.

You can get those real cheap.

- I don't buy anything that has the name "Rabbit" in it.

- Then what about rabbit stew?

- I meant cars.

- You know what I think you should get?

You should get a fucking, like an '82 LTD.

- Yeah. They're pretty big.

I spend a lot of time in the cop cars,

the old LTDs.

Nice fucking cop cars.

- Yeah. That's why I picked it.

You're used to the back seat of those things.

- Those old Malibus,

with the four barrels.

- Yeah. - Those are nice cars.

- Your mother had a four barrel, didn't she?

[Bubbles laughs]

- Yeah.

- Well, I owed you one.

- You know what? That's okay, man.

You can joke around.

- What was it on?

- What?

- What?

- What did she have the four barrel on?

- You know.

- What do you mean "You know"?

You're pointing down.

[Ricky laughs]

- Down there.

- Just kind of mounted right on the top?

- Yep.

[Ricky chuckles]

- Mount it right on the front.

- And why would it be mounted there?

What what's it for?

- I don't know.

She's got a four barrel.

So she can take four on at once.

[Bubbles laughs]

- If you pound her hard enough,

the other two barrels open up.

[Ricky and Bubbles laughing]

- The other two barrels open up.

- She's normally just a two barrel.

- Yeah. - Fuck boys.

- When she really wants to bring the power

[Ricky laughs]

- The other two pop open [growls]

- Well, hopefully, if she ever comes back one of these days,

you guys can play with the four barrel, okay?

But she's never gonna come back.

- I don't wanna play with your mother's four barrel.

Believe me.

- No, she'd probably be some big,

muscle-bound, fucking woods woman.

- A woods woman?

- I wonder how big your mother's muscles are.

She might be a fucking beast.

- Yep.

- She might look like Andre the Giant in a dress.

[cheerful music]

[jail cell clank]

[hand tapping]

[Bubbles sighs]

Un-fucking-believable.

Get fucking down here right away, Bubbles.

Get down here. I'll be waiting for you.

[Bubbles sighs]

[pieces. tapping]

No, fuck this. I'm leaving.

Putting this away.

- You know what?

Take a long fucking suck on this, Ronnie.

How about that?

Why don't you take that,

put it in your fucking mouth, and suck it?

Fuck you.

- Ricky, pick up the phone.

- What?

- The fucking phone, pick it up.

- Hey buddy. Thanks for coming down, man.

- Ricky, you said get down here

as quick as I could and you'd be waiting for me.

I've been here 45 fucking minutes.

- 45 Minutes?

- What were you doing?

- I got in a fight with fucking Larry

over goddamn the last bag of dressed all over chips.

- Well, you fucking made me wait forever.

- Well, I'm sorry about that,

but you know how important chips are in my life.

- All right. - so is this the same

as Checkers or what?

- Does it look the same as Checkers?

- Pretty much, except for the pieces.

- Ricky.

- The thing is, I have to win this tournament, Bubs,

or I'm gonna fucking run into more situations

where I don't have money to buy the last bag of chips.

It's $100 prize.

Nobody will fucking bet on Checkers.

- Okay. - They'll bet on chest

and they'll bet on fucking poker,

but not on fucking checkers.

It's bullshit

- Okay. Well, open your fucking board up.

I don't have much time now.

- That I can do.

- Open it up and set your pieces up like this.

- Okay.

[pieces rattle]

- Ricky, you... [sighs]

Does that board look like this board?

- They're both squares.

- But look at the...

Flip it over! - They told me

this was a chest game.

- Flip the board over, so it looks like the checker board.

- I thought you said it wasn't like Checkers.

- Well, it's got the same board,

but it's not the same game.

[pieces clatter]

Oh yeah. Here we go.

Ricky, just pick them off.

[pieces clatter]

You're gonna need that.

[pieces clatter]

Yeah, just like a fucking Russian chess master.

- All right. - Okay.

Do you even know what the pieces are called?

- No.

- Well, they each have a name

and they each have a specific movement.

Look, these guys, see these?

- What are those called?

- These are called pawns.

There should be eight of them

and they go across the front.

- Pause?

- Pawns.

P-A-W-N-S, okay?

- Ponds. Like a lake.

- Think of these like Corey and Jacob.

- So they're dumb?

- They are sort of the dumbest of the pieces.

Okay. So then look.

See these?

There's two of these.

See? It's the little castle piece.

- I wouldn't say it's a castle.

- Well, it like a-

- Cannon?

- Okay. It's a cannon.

Yes.

They go on each corner behind them.

- Boom. Kinda looks like the mouth on the Predator.

- Okay. And then do you got two horses?

- Horses?

- See the horses?

- Oh yeah.

Horse heads.

- Well, horse head. Yes.

Okay. And then see this one?

This is a bishop.

Little pointy guy with the slit for the mouth.

He's like a knight.

He goes next to that.

And then you got your king and your queen,

going between them.

- Which one's which?

- The king has a cross on top of him.

- Got him, and the other one's got a crown, I guess.

- Yep. That's the queen.

- Be easier if they put a cock on the king.

- I can't even believe it,

that you were in space three times.

One time for five months.

I mean, that's...

I don't even know what to say.

I probably won't get to do that.

Realistically, I'm starting to realize

that I might have missed my chance.

[Bubbles chuckles]

But it's awesome that you did.

- But we could simulate space flight together.

- Well, that's what I was gonna ask you.

I play space with Ricky

and he doesn't really get it.

I like to use space words

and I try to learn some of the lingo and stuff.

And I know a few things that I use,

but Ricky doesn't.

He starts talking about space weed and Juniper and-

- Juniper? - Yeah.

He just doesn't get it.

- Well, we could talk space talk if you like.

- Yeah. Could you throw some heavy launch lingo at me,

if you were talking to the- - Sure.

- I used to say things like

"Mission Controls, this is Commander Bubbles.

I got an MPS warning light in the link monitor subsystem.

I'm requesting reallocation of main OMS firing

through the CDS at level six."

That type of thing.

- Yeah. That's good.

But you gotta be careful that you don't wanna get

your hullage down too far

'cause you get into a blow down situation.

So you gotta watch the helium pressure

inside the OMS tank.

- That's right. Oh yes!

Tell me more about this OMS pressure.

- Yeah, well, in the Reaction Control System,

of course, with the hypergolic fuels,

when the nitrogen tetroxide is mixing

with the ammonium nitrate,

you gotta make sure that your pressures are good

so you don't get an imbalance of the mixture,

otherwise, you get a really bad combustion.

- Oh yeah.

[Bubbles giggles]

You don't want bad combustion, do you?

- No - No

- No.

- And maybe, so what switches would be right here?

What would we be seeing?

- Okay, so you got

the Orbital Maneuvering System right here,

and then the two Reaction Control

for the left and the right right there in front of you,

and then one for the Nose Reaction Control System

right there, above your head.

- Decent.

- Yep.

- So when you're coming back into reentry

in the shuttle, the guy's flying her, right?

Like a?

- Yeah, with that hand, you fly it.

- This hand? - Right in the middle.

- In the middle? - And then this one,

you handle, it's got a big, throttle thing

for the speed break. - Okay.

So it's like the Hornet?

I flew the Hornet. - Yes, it is like the Hornet.

- I know. You're The Hornet.

- It's like a Hornet. - You're the Hornet guy.

- Yep.

- Yes, I got to fly the Hornet.

- The neat thing about the shuttle is though,

if you wanna go up and down, you go like that.

If you wanted to roll, you go like that.

If you want it to turn, you just twist it.

- Oh. Decent!

- Can do the whole thing like that.

It's pretty cool.

- That's like video game.

I have a video game that works like that.

- Yeah. It's like a video game.

- Can I ask you about?

You were a test pilot.

- I was.

- Top test pilot in the US.

I read that.

- Yep. I was.

- What's the craziest thing you ever had to test?

- We'd put F-18s outta control to try and invent

new ways to get it back under control again.

- Like a flat spin in Top Gun?

- Yep. Flat spin and all sorts

of inertial outta control work and-

- What happens if you can't get her though?

- Well, you wait a while

and hopefully, it'll get down where the air's thicker

so then it'll fly a little better.

The worst I had was it fell for about two miles,

fell for about 30 seconds, just outta control.

And then, eventually, the air got thick enough

that we could make it fly again.

- Oh my god!

I didn't realize that's exactly what test pilots do.

- So here's what you do.

You're in an F-18 and you just push forward

on the stick a little bit so it's gentle

and then you stand to one rudder

and the vehicle goes sideways

and then flat plates and then took off,

and then it will go end over end over end.

And then, you'd have to figure out new ways

to get it back under.

- Well, when I was flying it, the guy told me,

"Do whatever you want."

What if I had a done that?

[man laughs]

He's like, "Yeah, Bubbles.

Do whatever you want to."

So I was going straight up, straight down, throttles.

I could have put her into a flat spin.

Nobody told me that.

- You could have.

Well, actually, after we did that test,

they changed the way the airplane flies,

the flight controls, so it'd protect you

from putting it into a spin like that.

[cheerful violin music]

- About 2 billion people

across the world consume liquor.

A small percentage of those

fall into the category of excess.

[cheerful violin music]

But whether you drink a little, or you drink a lot,

every drop of liquor tells a different story.

[cheerful violin music]

[melodic piano playing]

Good day.

Welcome to another liquor story

with your host, Jim Lahey.

Today, we're gonna try something

a little bit different.

Today, it's gonna be a little quiz.

You're gonna guess what kind of liquor

that we're promoting today.

I'll give you a hint.

It's not fermented.

It's brewed like beer

800 years ago

in a little place, a little island

out in the Pacific called Japan.

Are you close?

Can you get it?

Ta-da!

Sake!

That's what we got going for us today,

ladies and gentlemen.

Wonderful sake.

Now, I can't drink this today.

I'd love to have a little tippy poo,

but custom says that someone else

has to pour it for you.

The cup comes in a little wooden box like this,

and then you pour the thing like this.

Hayuwatha! That's what you say.

No, you say, "Cayo Bunga."

And then, you pour it in.

Someone else pours it in and you go, "No, no, no.

That's enough."

But they keep pouring it

and it pours over the top of the edge into the box.

Then, you drink it and it's sweet.

Do you know what Rice Krispies tastes like?

Something like that I guess.

I don't like this shit.

But let's be serious.

Sake is a wonderful drink.

Some people drink it hot.

Some people drink it room temperature.

Some people drink it chilled.

If you drink it chilled,

it's because it's good fucking sake.

That's what I'm told.

Bad sake, you heat up,

masks to the taste and blends the flavors

back and forth.

Anyway, every time I look at this little thing...

This was on our shelf.

This was on our mantle piece for a couple years.

Yeah, because way back in...

Well, when was it, late 70s?

And I was, I was in a patrol car.

I was doing night duty 'cause I was...

Well, I told you that story before.

Anyway, it was my last break before the end of my shift

and I was at Tim Hortons having a double double

and I had some of them Boston cream donuts

and I sucked the cream out

and I poured some bourbon in the donuts

and I ate one or two of them, and then I had a call.

It was robbery in progress at Lee Fongs.

It was a Chinese restaurant.

And I wonder why he would have sake,

if he's a Chinese restaurant.

His name was Bruce Lee.

Not like the other Bruce Lee that you know.

It was not the L-E-A or L-E-E.

Different spelling.

Anyway, someone took 100 bucks from the guy.

That's not a lot of money now,

but back then, for a just struggling Bruce Lee, it was.

So I promised that I would do

everything in my power to find out

who stole the thing.

And I had to seize this little bottle

as part of evidence

'cause he threw it at the robber as he was escaping.

So I took it home

and I had it in the car.

But when I went in, I was gonna have a little night cap

'cause Barb took all my fucking booze

and poured it down the fucking drain.

All the bottles lined up

like poor little Indian soldiers,

standing beside the fridge.

And I didn't have anything.

I went out to the car, I got my sake,

had a little sippy poo

and I put it down by the bedside.

In the morning, Barb woke up and said,

"What the fuck is this?"

Anyway, I told her,

it was a vessel for sacred holy water

that this guy gave me.

And she put it on the mantle

and she wouldn't let me fucking take it.

So I scrapped the report on Bruce Lee.

Every time I look, that was when I started drinking.

Bad, hard, good times.

So every time I see this little Chinese lady from Japan,

I always think,

"What would I be like if I didn't drink?"

Well, I don't drinks sake, so that's a fucking progress.

[soft piano playing]

- Jeremiah Slagle?

Is that Slagle or Stagle?

Slagle or Stagle.

Whatever the fuck it is.

Jeremiah.

"My girl and I wanna bring another girl into the mix."

Hm.

"She has this chick in mind.

When she's sitting next to me, I smell..."

Oh Jesus!

"But when she's sitting next to me,

I smell seafood." [laughs]

Jesus Christ.

"Should I say 'Fuck it' and get a clothespin

or just get a blowup doll?"

Okay, man. Blow up dolls, that's fucking weird.

Okay?

Some dudes in jail, they get ahold of those things.

I don't know. It's pretty fucking gross.

You're banging a fucking doll, a blow up doll.

That's pretty fucked up.

Don't do that.

Clothespin?

That's not gonna work, man.

What you gotta do,

you gotta start this threesome off in the shower.

Go down with the little rubby, dub, dub,

get everything nice and clean,

use one of those fucking, those little scrubby things.

Just get all the bits and pieces clean,

get your thing going, and then maybe,

you do that every day,

she's not gonna smell like fish.

I guarantee you.

Okay?

Threesomes in the shower every day.

Then at night, you're okay to go down

and do whatever you gotta do in bed

'cause it won't smell like seafood.

Don't blame you, man. I don't like seafood.

Makes me sick.

Moving on to Michelle,

All right, Michelle.

"Dear Julian. I love my rum and Coke.

However, I am wondering if Coke

or Diet Coke are more healthy.

Coke has corn syrup and diet has aspartame

or sucralose, or sweetener."

Whatever, all that shit.

"Of course neither is healthy,

but which would you think is better for keeping fit?"

All right. You definitely gotta go

with the Diet Coke, all right?

It doesn't taste nearly as good,

but you gotta go for that.

I don't know.

What I like to do sometimes,

have a few normal pops,

normal Cokes, then switch it up a bit,

get in some diet.

Just go back and forth,

and then maybe,

try drinking it with water, okay?

If you really want to get fit or whatever,

drink it with water.

Doesn't taste that bad.

Lots of ice cubes though.

All right, there you go.

That's it for another session of "Dear Julian."

Hope things helped you out here,

you guys and your lives.

But if it didn't, like I said,

I don't give a fuck.

This is not what I do.

Thank you.

[melodic piano playing]

- Bubs?

You're a woman.

[Ricky laughs]

- I'm not though, so it's hard to process.

- Well, just pretend that you're a girl.

- I'm not a girl, I'm Bubbles.

- All right. I'll make it easier for you then.

Amy Poehler.

- I think she's lovely.

- Yeah. She is pretty lovely.

- And she's funny as fuck too.

She makes me laugh.

- No, I know if Julian was a woman,

he would definitely bang this next one.

Marc Anthony.

'Cause remember you used to do that fucking dance?

♪ Living la vida lotion

- What?

No, man.

I never did the "La vida lotion".

♪ He will bring you down

- What song are you singing?

- Living la vida lotion.

- No, man!

That wasn't Marc Anthony.

That was what's his fucking name?

- That was Ricky Martin.

- Oh Fuck! That's right.

What was Marc Anthony?

I know you liked him too.

- [Bubbles] Living La Vida Lotion

- I've never listened to Mark Anthony tunes, man.

- He has a lot of sexual songs.

You like those.

- Sexual songs?

- Sex music.

[Ricky laughs]

When you're wearing your sex underwear

- It would've been BB King's birthday today.

So I wanted to say that for you, Bubs.

[imitates guitar]

- David Cockerfield.

Copperfield.

- Yeah? What about him?

- Would you bang him?

[Ricky laughs]

- Would you, Ricky?

- All right, I'll just stick to ladies.

- Yeah.

- Yeah. What if you're Richelina?

- Definitely. I'd bang whatever I could.

Fuck it. Especially, these famous celebrities.

Bang the shit outta them.

- Okay.

Molly Shannon?

- Yep.

- Yeah.

- Julian, you're gonna love this one.

One of your fucking idols.

- [Julian] Oh God!

- Mickey Rourke.

- Mickey Rourke?

- You would bang the shit outta him,

if you were a girl.

- No I wouldn't man.

- You thought he was the fucking man

after ten and a half weeks

or eight and a half weeks or what?

- Nine and a half weeks. - Nine and a half months.

- No, man.

Kim Basinger man.

She was awesome.

- But you did comment about Mickey a lot.

- What did I say about Mickey?

- You said "Fuck, he really works out.

He looks good without a shirt on."

- I once said, "He's fucking good with the ladies."

That's what I was saying.

- You said, "He must work out- - He's smooth, man.

- And he's got a really nice body.

- I didn't say that, man.

I said he was a smooth fucking operator.

I did look up to him in that movie.

- He was quite a machine, Mickey Rourke.

- All right.

- [Bubbles] Is that it, Ricky?

- Let's go break into cars.

[cheerful music]

[waves crashing]

[seagulls calling]

- [Fish] Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

[electronics whoosh]

- [Man] Fuck off!