Original subtitles

- [Ricky] Warning.

The following program contains really coarse language,

weed, alcohol consumption, smoking, and sexual inferences.

This content may not be suitable for viewers under 18.

To activate parental controls,

please press the Go [beep] Yourself button

on your remote control.

[cheerful, mellow music]

- You've been on like Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon

and those shows. - Yeah.

- Is this like a similar type? - For your bank commercials?

That's pretty incredible.

- Um, no.

- No, Ricky's he's been in fuckin-

- It wasn't 'cause of the bank commercials

when I was on Fallon and Kimmel.

It was for some other, for some,

probably some movies and...

- He's been in great big fuckin movies, Ricky!

- Really?

- Yeah. - Huge ones!

- What are you doing hanging at the food court?

- I'm hungry.

That was a terrible fuckin decision on my part.

- Right on.

- Well I mean...

- Well that's-

I don't want him to be...

- What?

- Well, he obviously feels like he's been kidnapped.

- He's not kidnapped. - For fuck's sakes.

- I thought it would make today that much more special.

- Yeah, what's more special, what...

- I hope you guys are joking, right?

- What are you talking about, Ricky?

What are you...

You're poking around at something,

fishing for something.

- Well, neither one of you brought anything, I see.

- What's happening today, Ricky?

I have no idea.

- You guys have nothing you wanna say to me?

- No.

- What day is it?

- Happy March 20th.

- That's a good start.

- T.G.I.F

- Not bad.

- [Bubbles] Ricky, just tell us!

- It's my fuckin' birthday, boys.

You forgot my birthday!

- It's not your fuckin' birthday today, Ricky.

- What do you mean, it's not?

- That's fucked up.

You forgot his birthday?

- No, your birthday's not even in March, Ricky.

- Somebody's birthday's today.

- It's not yours.

Jesus.

- March 20th, you kidding me?

- Do you think I'd forget your birthday?

I never forget your birthday.

- I thought you guys did forget it,

but now that I think it is my birthday,

can it just be my birthday?

- We can, yes, I mean we can pretend it's your birthday.

- No reason not to.

- We do have chips.

- So you, you thought they forgot your birthday,

but you forgot your birthday.

When is your birthday?

- Good question.

- Holy fuck.

- Ricky.

- Maybe it's 4/20, that'd be cool.

- It's not 4/20.

- Well, If you can make today your birthday,

you can make any day your birthday.

- Let's do it.

Let's have a birthday week.

- Okay, let's have Ricky's birthday week.

- You should time it out with Chili Fest at Harvey's.

- When is Chili Fest?

- I think it's in August.

- Chili Fest. [Julian laughs]

- It's fuckin the best. - Chili Fest!

They just basically just throw chili

on everything they have.

- [Ricky] It's the best.

- And it's called the Chili Fest?

- It's called Chili Fest.

Even when you get a napkin there's chili all over it.

- What, do other people in the province

do a Chili Fest, or is that...

- No, it's Harvey's.

- Oh.

- Yeah, it's not a government holiday.

- Harvey's hamburgers.

♪ Harvey's makes your hamburger a beautiful thing ♪

- Oh, beautiful.

- Were you at Harvey's at the food court,

or what were you-

- Oh yeah, sadly that dovetails.

- What were you getting, Harvey's?

- I was getting Harvey's.

- Now when you go into a Harvey's,

I heard you're a big fast food fella.

- I am.

I wish I wasn't, but it's my cross to bear.

- You eat.

- I eat.

- Now, you, maybe you just tell me if this is true.

What I've heard is you will not eat anything

that's not fast food,

and you eat it six times a day.

- Well it's, I mean that's slightly hyperbolic,

but I eat a lot of fast food.

- Yeah? - And but typically three

times a day like most people.

- Decent.

- Yeah.

- You imagine?

- Yeah, I eat like a child.

You ever see "Home Alone"?

That's how I eat, like Kevin McAllister.

- Yeah, me too.

- Yeah, I'm a picky eater, man.

I know what you feel.

- So if you were let loose in a grocery store

with a credit card,

you would go right to the candy aisle?

- Probably.

Number one, yeah, candy and then,

then I probably grab some Hungry Man, and then...

- Oh, Hungry Mans are fuckin', those are-

- I know.

- Who invented the Hungry Mans?

- Probably a hungry man.

- Matt Lofquist.

Did Trina every get on the liquor

like the rest of the Laheys?

No.

Trina, my God, Trina.

I wish...

Some things you can't take back, right?

Yeah.

I feel sorry about Trina, but guess what?

She might be coming home.

She might be coming home for a little visit.

She doesn't take my phone calls, but one of these days,

I think I'm gonna get through to her,

'cause I'm gonna give up the liquor for good.

And she'll know it in her heart of her hearts,

and she'll come home.

Christian Todd.

When the liquor talks to you,

what does its voice sound like?

Well, you know, that is an extremely existential question,

because the voices that we have in our heads,

a lot of people like psychologists

and psychiatrists and everything,

they'll talk about psychopaths and sociopaths,

and dual personality...

Oh, fuck.

I forgot.

I can hear, I can hear the voices right now.

There's many different voices in there.

It sounds like, really it sounds like

a choir of angels, really, when you think about it.

When I was in school, we had Gregorian chants like

♪ Agnus Dei

Those were some of my favorite ones.

[sings in Latin]

I really like that.

And I think that is what it sounds like

when the liquor's, when you're just,

when you're just smoothly flowing with the liquor.

But sometimes the liquor gets angry.

I mean really angry.

And it sounds like somebody, like,

it sounds like the four winds of the apocalypse.

- What the fuck's goin on?

Welcome back.

[cart crashing]

Fuckin juicy whore!

Fuck!

Holy fuck! [laughs]

Fuckin' booby traps went off.

This is gonna be fuckin awesome.

I gotta see that fuckin security cam footage.

Find out who the fuck came in here,

fucked with my shit,

took my Beavers fuckin bow tie.

Oh, I hope it got them fuckin good!

Who's in charge of the fuckin security cam footage here?

Get to the bottom of this right fuckin now.

[plodding, mischievous music]

♪ Schools, they can fuck off

♪ And teachers can suck my cock ♪

♪ I'm drunk and I'm high

♪ And this is Gettin' Learnt With Ricky ♪

How was that, Bubbles?

It fuckin sucked, didn't it?

I told you, I can't fuckin sing.

[plodding, mischievous music]

[gunshot firing]

[car engine starting]

- Come on, boys!

You're fuckin dead!

- What kind of trouble can I get in for driving

you guys with all this dope and these guns

and all the crazy bullshit?

- It's not a big deal, Bubbles.

Don't worry about it.

Got in a little bit of a gunfight,

got shot a little bit.

It's no big deal.

Bit of dope to get rid of, I'm fine.

- I don't know, Ricky.

I heard this, you know, you can get in a lot of trouble

for having that much dope and guns.

- Bubbles, you'll just get a slap on the wrist, man.

Everything will be cool.

You might get a fine or something.

I'll take care of it, I promise.

- Well, you guys will get in big trouble.

- Oh, it's no big deal.

We've been in a lot worse shit than this, Bubbles.

This was nothing.

What the fuck!

Great, a heli-fuckin-copter!

- Oh my God.

- [Police Radio] Bravo Tango One,

we have the suspects heading north on highway 103

in a Bronco towing an Airstream trailer.

[police sirens wailing]

Suspect is leaning

outta the vehicle. - Get the fuck outta here!

There's nothing to see here.

Leave us the fuck alone!

We're just on vacation.

I'm calling the cops.

You're flying way too fuckin low, you assholes!

Fuck, this sucks right now.

- This is gonna be cool, boys. - Fucking sirens.

- We're gonna get away with this.

Don't worry about it.

- There's a helicopter behind us!

- No shit, just keep driving.

We'll lose him in the trees up here or something.

- Is that a kitty on the road?

There's a kitty in the road! - No, don't do it!

[car and trailer crashing]

[cow moos]

- Boys, come on, she's gonna blow!

- Son of a bitch!

- Come on, Ricky!

- Fuck!

[helicopter blades whirring]

- [Pilot] Vehicle has crashed.

Repeat, the vehicle has crashed.

Suspects are on foot.

- I'm never getting in a vehicle with you again!

- I'm not gonna run over a kitty to save your dope, Ricky!

- Hold on, boys, let me think!

- We gotta hide!

- Boys, the cops!

Ricky, give me your gun.

- I'm getting outta here. - The hash!

The hash is still in the trailer.

We gotta get it!

- Ricky, Ricky, there's no hash in the trailer.

- What, you smoked all the hash?

- I sold it this morning.

Check it out.

The evidence is on fire.

They can't do shit to us.

- Ricky, Julian!

Help me, I'm all tangled up in this fuckin wire!

- Come on guys, we gotta get outta here!

- We're not leaving Bubbles. - Ricky, Julian, help me!

I'm all tangled up in this fuckin wire!

- Come on, Bubbles, we need to get outta here!

- [Bubbles] Help me, help me!

[police sirens wailing]

- [Police] Freeze, nobody move!

- All right, everybody calm down here.

Just get the chopper outta here, and just calm down.

This guy's totally innocent.

He's a farmer, came out to help us outta the wreck.

He saved our lives,

and you guys are gonna be sued if you arrest him,

'cause he's innocent!

That's right. - That's right.

That's right, I can't see that well

and I tripped into that wire.

I don't even know what's fuckin going on here.

That helicopter over there, my cows are scared.

Everybody can get the fuck off my property!

- [Pilot] Two suspects in custody.

Headquarters has identified another vehicle approaching.

Jim Lahey, trailer park supervisor

from the Sunnyvale Trailer Park.

The other man with no shirt is Randy.

- Hey boys.

Good luck back in con college!

- Fuck you, Lahey!

Get this fuckin helicopter outta here!

Come on guys, you don't need that right now.

- You'll owe me $500 damage to the Airstream.

- Not a problem, Lahey.

I'll give it to you as soon as I'm released,

which will be in a little bit 'cause

we didn't do anything wrong.

There's no evidence.

Nothing happened.

We're on a little vacation here, guys,

and had a bit of an accident.

Calm down.

You guys don't got shit!

You don't have jack shit.

There's no fuckin evidence, nothing.

I want your badge numbers, 'cause I'm suing you.

- Everything's cool, Ricky.

- Well if they think we're going to jail,

they're fuckin dreaming.

I'm suing your families and your grandparents,

and your fuckin pets. - Yeah, yeah.

- I need a cigarette here, fuck's sakes.

- There's the food that you like, your favorite type.

There you go. [cows mooing]

Pretend like you know me.

[Bubbles humming]

Hey.

Hey, what's going on?

Fist pump!

Hey, what's going on?

You guys are here already.

We're here today at the Bide Awhile Shelter,

Dartmouth, Nova Scotia.

Nice, awesome shelter.

They take care of a lot of kitties here.

Whenever I come to shelters like this,

I like to bring my custom kitty kit that I build.

Wanna show you guys what's involved

with dealing with kitties like this.

Whenever you're dealing with a lot of kitties in one room

like this, it's a good, good thing to bring a, you know,

professional kitty kit.

I built this one myself.

So I got all my, you know, these are all my toys, you know,

shakers and feather kind of toys in this region.

I got all kinds of, you know, scratchers and pads

and different treats.

And I got, like, feather things here,

you know, these type of things,

which kitties, they love them.

So you gotta have things like that, you know.

I've got dangler gloves,

and under here's where I keep,

this is where I keep all the, you know, various nips.

You know, I like to use different types of nips,

homemade nips, and different nips.

There's a scratcher and a expander tube in there.

It's always good to have a tube and a blanket, you know,

for your kitties.

But that's what I like to bring right there.

Bring the heat. [laughs]

[cats meowing]

[cat purring]

This week's featured Kitty of the Week

is this gorgeous gal right here.

This is June.

Hi, June.

June's a two year old, black and white domestic shorthair,

maybe medium hair.

Gorgeous kitty.

Hey, June.

Look, I think June might like maybe a yarn ball.

She looks like a bit of a yarn ball kind of kitty.

Oh yeah, you're gonna like that.

You like that yarn ball?

Yeah, you like that, huh?

I thought you might like that yarn ball.

June's been here for quite some time now.

She come in with some kittens and they've all since been

adopted to good homes.

But June needs a home, too.

Don't you, June?

Let's see what else you might like.

You might like this.

This is, I like this.

Kitties enjoy this.

This is a squeezer, squeezer tube.

Here, June, look at this.

Look at this.

What else could I bring out for you?

Oh, how about an old fish bone?

This guy.

This guy's...

Look at this.

This is a pretend fish bone.

You would never give real fish bones to kitties.

That would be stupid.

But these, these ones are fine, look.

Yeah, there you go, June.

You like that?

Yeah, that is, that's June right there.

Black and white, excellent kitty.

She likes neck rubs, too, look.

Get in for some dogs.

Ah.

She's playful, Bubbles Certified.

[camera snapping]

[cat meowing]

- [Bubbles] Are you being serious right now?

- Yeah, man.

Please just do this for me.

You're a fuckin life savior.

- Ricky, I'll try. - Get down here as

quick as you can.

- [Bubbles] But I'm not promising' you anything.

And do you know that this-

- Thanks, buddy.

No, no, no, I know, I know.

It sounds fucked, but I need this done.

Thanks buddy, love you. [Bubbles growls]

Oh, thank fuck!

Buddy, yes!

How's it goin, man?

- I brought you fucking Jallu, Ricky, yes.

- Oh, thank fuck.

The fuckin guards took everything on us!

- Oh, I don't know how I'm supposed

to get it into you.

I can't stick it through the fuckin glass.

- I'm fuckin dying in here, man.

I'm dying.

Do you know how hard it is just to

come up with stuff in your head every time?

Like, you need visuals.

- I don't know what to tell you, Ricky.

They wouldn't let me in the fuckin other room.

So I mean, I'll try to talk to them

on the way out and see if I can leave it for you or...

- No, no, we can't wait for that

in case it doesn't happen.

You're a good friend, buddy.

I'm gonna need you to do something here for me.

- What, Ricky?

- Just open it up to page 18.

- Ricky.

- That's a good one.

- What do you mean open up? - Been a long time since

I've been with someone with a hairy bush. [laughs]

Just turn to page 18.

Just let me have a look there, okay?

- 18, just...

- Oh yeah, there she is.

- That? - Yeah, okay.

If you could just, I know this is gonna sound weird,

but we're good friends, right?

If you could just hold that up to the glass

and just kind of look the other way there or whatever.

- What are you talking about, Ricky?

- Just nothing, nothing.

- Ricky?

Ricky!

- What?

- You're-

- Nothing, I'm just adjusting some things down here.

- Ricky.

Oh, Jesus Murphy. - Oh yeah, that's workin good.

- Ricky! - Oh.

Oh yeah.

- Oh my...

- So how you been, buddy?

You been good?

- I've been, yes, I've been great, Ricky.

I've been working a lot and...

- Still doing that herd thing,

or what are you up to these days?

- Maybe we shouldn't talk.

Maybe just, you know, let's just...

- How's my family doing?

- They're- - You see them much?

Fuck!

- Yes, they're fine. - Turn to page 42.

- Ricky, Jesus Murphy.

I didn't agree to come down here

and be your fuckin jack assistant.

This is fuckin bullshit.

42?

- 42, yeah.

- There, 42.

- Oh yeah, that's good.

- Is that it, 42?

There.

Hurry up.

- So nothing else is new in the park?

- Ricky, just don't talk to me.

Stop breathing in my fuckin ear.

It sounds like you're breathing right in it.

- Okay, to 56, 56! - Hey boss?

- Just a second, just a second, Julian.

56, 56, quickly.

I'm almost done.

- Here's your 56.

- Yeah, this is gonna be it right here.

- Bubs, Bubs.

- Yeah, just hold it up like the way, oh yeah.

There you go.

- There, Ricky, it's the centerfold.

- Bubs.

- What, Julian?

- The fuck are you doing?

- What?

- Why are you doing this?

- Can everyone shut up for a second?

- Are you kidding me?

- What, are you doing as well?

No, you've got your hands up there.

- I'm, no, I'm holding the fuckin...

- Sure, man.

Ricky.

Did...

- Ricky.

- Fuckin Jesus, Ricky.

- Oh, I fuckin needed that.

- Unbelievable.

Un-fuckin-believable, Ricky.

Are we done here?

Thanks for the visit!

- Bubs, you are a fuckin good friend, buddy.

Thank you.

- I shoulda had fuckin rubber gloves on

even carrying this thing,

now that I see what you do with it.

- Okay, I'm good now.

- All right, I'm getting the fuck out of here.

I've got PTSD probably.

- Nothing else you wanna talk about or anything else?

- No, I'm good, I'm good.

I'm just gonna go try to erase that from my memory bank.

- How's the weather been, got a lot of rain last week.

- I'll talk to you, just call me later, Ricky.

- Bubs!

Can you bring the other one down tomorrow, the red one?

- What?

- Can you bring the red one down tomorrow?

- No, this is look, this was a one time fuckin event.

I am not gonna regularly come down here

and hold up magazines while you jack it.

I'm sorry.

- I know it seems weird to you,

but you have no idea how much this means to me.

You're probably the fanciest person

that's ever been in this trailer.

- Oh, thank you.

- That's awesome.

- Yeah, I would say.

Can't think of any... - And I believe that.

- So how is, what's Clint Eastwood like?

- Oh, very nice.

I was, yeah. I was scared shitless.

- Is he approachable though?

Is he an approachable-

- Very, very approachable.

- Okay, all right.

- Yeah, and still the only guy

I've ever worked for that, you know,

would've impressed my granddad, you know.

- That's fuckin impressing me right now, let me tell you.

- Oh, cool.

I'm very happy.

- I would do anything, anything, to meet that fuckin guy.

Anything.

- Anything?

- Calm down, I'm not saying-

- No, I'm just saying.

- Okay.

Like, anything.

- Almost anything.

- I don't think he can just roll you down to Clint's house.

"Hey, well here's my buddy that kidnapped me

from the food court, Clint!"

- Is it cool if we stop making kidnapped jokes?

Just like, 'cause...

- Oh yeah, you're not gonna get hurt.

Nobody's gonna kill you,

if that's what you're worried about.

- No, we're not killers.

- What do you guys do for a living?

- I haul shopping carts out of the ponds

and I clean them up and fix them

and sell 'em back to the grocery store.

- Fair.

- I'm a part-time farmer, part-time distributor.

- Oh cool.

- I open businesses.

I sell businesses.

I open up more businesses and keep going, you know?

- Yeah.

- Keep it going.

- You should name a business that you've ever sold.

- What do you mean?

- Well, you know.

- Success Auto Body.

- Oh cool.

Man, what kind of farm do-

- My dad had a bar, Julian's.

I had a bar in a gym with the gym in a bar.

- Well, you just made it sort of sound like

you're a big wheelin' dealin' entrepreneur there

when really-

- How many businesses have I had open in my life?

- Oh, I didn't say you didn't open lots.

I'm saying how many of them were successful

and you sold them?

One?

And just so you're aware, like,

you're not being detained right now.

You can go, like, don't think you're-

- Oh really?

- Yeah, don't think you're, you know,

being held captive or anything.

- I appreciate you going and saying that,

but this camera's in front of the only exit, so...

- And the mood will change a little bit

if you try to leave without, you know.

- Oh.

- Things being set up.

- Fair enough, fair enough.

- I'm just saying. - That's not true.

- I read between the lines.

- We're just gonna hang out,

have a nice little birthday celebration.

Then you can probably leave.

- Change numbers. - All right, cool.

- Did you offer him a drink or anything?

Did you get some chips?

- Yeah, I got, I got chips.

- Chips aren't the greatest.

- No, they're not.

- They're a nice Lays chip, Ricky.

- [Ricky] They're old.

- Nice Lay's chip.

- They're not, man.

Those are fuckin disgusting.

- Boys, I'd love to have some fuckin Wendy's right now.

- I'd fuckin kill for Wendy's right now.

- If you could have any burger right now,

what would it be?

- Oh fuck.

- It's hard, isn't it.

- Yeah, that is a hard one.

I'd probably have to go,

I have to go Double Teen burger.

- Oh, fuck. - Let's do it.

Let's go to A&W.

Do you have a car?

- No, but I...

- Let's take him to A&W.

- All right. - Let's do it!

- We will in a bit.

- It's better to have him in a public area anyway.

He'll feel safe.

- I'd feel more comfortable, yeah.

- With other people around where he can scream, help,

if he thinks.

- Well, we could just get the drive through.

- Get the drive through and come back here.

- Yeah.

- Let's do it!

- Can't wait.

- All Right.

Drive through, liquor store.

Fireworks. - Your wallet first.

- Gotta exchange some info here.

- Here we come.

- Yeah.

[quirky retro music]

[fish cursing]

- [Voiceover] Fuck off.