Original subtitles

- [Ricky] Warning.

The following program contains really coarse language,

weed, alcohol consumption, smoking,

and sexual inferl-ferlences.

This content may not be suitable for viewers under 18.

To activate parental controls,

please press the big go [beep] yourself button

on your remote control.

[pleasant piano music] [children playing]

- Here's what you do. Here's how you do it.

Pretend, you go like this,

and you suck the air outta the bottle like this,

and you let it back in,

and [indistinct] bottles and people think.

- Oh, so you didn't just have a big snap of liquor there,

that was just,

- No it's a trick. Knock knock.

- Who's there?

- Juno.

- Juno who?

- 'Juno where I can get a little drinkie poo around here?

You wanna hear one of my cleaner jokes, Ricky?

What did, what did the janitors say,

when he popped out of the closet?

Supplies! [laughs]

- Jesus Christ. - It's a cleaner joke, get it?

- Yeah, I get it. [Lahey continues laughing]

Holy fuck.

- Holy fuck,

he's a real fucking comedian. - Whoa, whoa, whoa,

now that's not fake fucking bubbles, that's ridiculous.

Okay.

- All right.

- Okay.

Are you fucking kidding me, right now?

- Also for those that can't see what's happening,

Lahey is just finishing,

- Oh my fuck. - just-

There he goes, just finished

almost three quarters of a quart

of fuckin' Liquormens Ol' Dirty Canadian Whiskey.

- How the fuck are you still alive? How do you do that?

- Keith Richards can't do that.

- Nobody can do that, Bubbles.

Nobody.

It's impossible.

- You did it without getting a liquor surge too.

- Or even spilling it? That's, that's impressive.

- I agree, want me to see, do a wraparound?

- Well, you got no more liquor in it now.

- No, I think I could use another bottle Bubbles.

What's in that bottle?

[Lahey burps]

- That's beer there, I don't think you want that, do ya'?

- I hate beer. Beer tastes like piss smell.

[Lahey burps]

[Lahey laughs] - Holy fuck.

I haven't seen you

this banged up in awhile. - I'm on a podcast.

This is my very first podcast, people.

- It's gonna be a long fucking day today,

[Lahey laughs]

Sunnyvale.

- Now listen to Ricky. Your eyes are all red and puffy,

like they usually are,

'cause you're stoned under your shit tree.

You keep a little jiggy

when you do your little poddie-cast, do you, Rickick?

Do you, Ricky?

- I am normally pretty fucked up right now,

I'm actually waiting on some hash to be delivered.

- You're waiting on some hash to be delivered.

- We smoked it all after, - And you say that

on the fucking air.

And you're gonna bring the shit, and the heat

right into fucking Sunnyvale.

Talking about, oh. Look, and you leave this shit on the

table.

What the fuck is that, Ricky?

What is the fuckin' that?

- That's uh, - and joints,

never look at fuckin',

five people-paker joint.

And this, you know that is?

It's a fuckin' piece of shit, Randy.

You guys are fucked.

- See- - you guys are fucked.

I just wanna point out.

- No,

that's why you're not allowed to have a

fucking broadcast on the in

Centerville trailer park because fucking ISIS will

come here and [indistinct] languages.

Courty to come here and they'll shut the whole fucking

thing down. - I just wanna point out when

you arrived here, you were somewhat calm.

- I wasn't, I was upset.

- You were somewhat calm and respectful.

Then you chugged almost three quarters of a quart of liquor.

And now look at ya-

- You're a fucking asshole - You're all fucking rammed up

- Throwing things

- Was water down. It was watered down.

You know, a fucking water down.

- You should smoke a joint. Calm the fuck down.

- Oh you have.

- Do you know what not scaping is?

- No, actually.

- Yeah. I saw some suck up Nick.

- I don't wanna talk with this with him here.

- Sucknape is when you see a nice little scene,

like the statue of Liberty and you

fucking put your camera under

here and get your body, your bulbs.

That's all it is, Bubbles.

It's ball scapes. Right?

And then that that's because the blue Jays were

fucking wicked of the [indistinct] clock.

And that's why they're fucking doing it.

It's a play. They, they beam, fucking

they beamed him down and fucking like and missed the batter.

And I cut the fucking umpire and he called a fucking thing

a strike!

It wasn't a fucking strike.

We should be fucking playing the Royal.

- You were fucking violent.

- You, you had and you know what?

Here's what he, oh, look.

[chip crunches]

- That was like weeks ago. What the fuck is he talking?

Where are you going? You don't wanna talk about ballscapes?

- I gotta go have a piss

- Don't fucking piss in my trailer. Piss outside.

- It's not about the money anyway.

We're gonna fucking kick these guys' asses

for the first time. - We haven't done that before

Yeah and their fucking lies.

- Look at the matter.

- Are you sure we can win?

Cause I need some chips popping a barrel later.

- Hey, I'm not sure, but the odds are sure. Okay?

- The odds? - Just trust the odds.

- Anybody want a side bed? Five bucks.

Terry's doing good. Next five bucks to Terry.

No, five bucks.

- We got a leader. We got a leader here.

Okay. Just that he's doing good.

Five bucks, five bucks. - Settle down. Go ahead.

We're good. We're good. - All right, boys, keep it up.

- Okay.

- Right on peak.

Right on buddy. You got her.

How's it going over here Ricky?

- Not good.

- What do you mean not good? - Oh fuck, it's your turn man

- What the fuck man. Don't even got a guy in yet.

I told you I didn't even wanna play

in this fucking tournament.

- Woo.

- Nice. - Right on you win.

- Another one.

- Oh yeah, I won another one!

- Play the game bro, play the game.

Yeah.

- Whoa.

- I can't do fuck all-

fuck!

- A fucking winner, boys!

- I didn't even have a fucking guy in

Thanks Julian. 10 bucks.

- Thanks. What do you mean?

- Get my money for me or what?

- Terry's winning though.

- Six. - Go Terry. Come on man.

You're our only hope - I got it, I got it.

Don't worry, don't worry.

- [indistinct] about it

Bubble likes me. That's a fact.

- You gotta win, man.

I fucking sucked. I didn't even get a guy out.

- Oh.

- All put her back.

- Maybe you ain't pressing it right.

- Who's up next over here? Need one more player.

- I just like using the thumb there.

- All right, you get 10 bucks at

the commissary credit - Champion!

- You going in for 10? In for 10.

- Right on.

- Darren won, Julian.

- Nice. Another one.

- Yep.

- Maybe I've been a little bit hurt on Terry and you know,

but that's just because he's dumb, but you know, he's,

he's starting to kind of grow on me a bit. You know?

Starting to like the guy.

- Little lady locks. Come on, come on.

- Give him a three, give him a three.

- Two, four, five. Two, four, five.

- Yes!

- What? Well, whatever. Either way I win.

- You got this.

What the fuck Darren,

getting in the fucking six and settle down, Darren.

- The fuck you doing man?

- Yeah.

[overlapping chatter]

- The bubble lie, the bubble don't fucking lie.

- There's something going on here, man.

You guys are fucking playing me.

- You're sweating the bubble - Whoa, whoa.

- That was a fucking double bubble, wasn't it?

- What the are fuck you talking about? A double bubble?

- That was a fucking double We can't double bubble

You were talking to me, what the fuck you expect?

- Well, that's way it goes.

- I'm being distracted by all you. It's three against one.

What the fuck is going on?

- The fucking bubble don't lie

- Yeah, fuck that.

[overlapping chatter]

The fuck you think this is?

- I won fair and square.

- You're in real trouble now mother fucker

Flip the game.

- I, I don't want no trouble trouble.

- Listen motherfucker, this is my money.

- Great, Julian, this is fucking great.

We're we're gonna win no matter what, hey?

You're gonna take on all these guys there?

- We out.

- Fuck you, Freddy.

- The fuck you think you're doing Julian.

- What the fuck is going on. - You owe me boys.

- You said we're gonna fucking win here.

- It's supposed to be a fun game. Fuck.

- Where's my money fucking at boys?

- I got the coins. Go fuck yourself.

- That's not part of the deal.

- Well, what part- you fucked up the game!

- Get my fucking money, Julian.

- [indistinct] go fuck yourself.

- Hey boys, we need our fucking money. Lets do this.

Nobody's getting the fucking money.

- Here, take the fucking money.

- Thank you. Give me my fucking shit.

- What is wrong with you?

You wanna fucking take on all these guys?

- What Freddy wants, Freddy gets, mother fucker.

- Now I've got no money.

- I got told we should have fucking played monopoly. Fuck.

- Boys, boys.

We got fucking paid a lot of money.

- What? We got the cash-

- Think I'm gonna fucking take care of business,

not fill in our pockets first.

Come on.

- okay.

- Look at 20 each.

- Oh we still got 20 bucks.

- Well you owe me 10. So you get 10.

- Carry the three. I mean,

next time we got a rig that bubble.

You know, get a fucking magnet under there.

- Next time we don't play.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You guys aren't getting off here.

- This is our stop Julian.

- Listen boys.

I lost a lot of good friends in jail protecting you guys,

all right? The least you can do is leave me alone.

- Listen, you stay away from Ricky.

You won't have any problem with us, Julian.

- Jim, you know the equation you fuck with Ricky,

you're gonna get burned.

- Let it go, Jim.

- Shit, Julian.

- Hey, hold on a sec, driver.

Oh, for fuck sakes.

- Thank God, I need you to drive truck for me today.

You're in charge of corn Trevor, fucking be [indistinct]

something they understand.

- Fucking move. - Can I hook this power?

- Come on, boys.

- Hurry up boys. You guys are baked, aren't you?

- Ricky

[coughs]

- The power is still on Julian.

- Ricky, I'm bubbles.

- The power is on Julian.

- Ricky, I'm Bubbles.

Ricky. You don't have a cigarette.

- I need a joint.

[Birds squawking]

- Nice chain, is that real? - Yeah.

- How'd you get the money for that?

- I'm the trailer park supervisor now, man. 16 grand a year.

Barry gave me a bit of money and Bubbles gave me some money.

Come on in buddy. - What's that?

Listen man, I don't want anything to do with any illegal

bullshit, alright?

I'm done.

- Julian, we don't even have time for illegal shit.

Think about it. We're trailer park supervisor.

We've gotta play up flowers, put up satellites and shit man.

We've been looking forward to

getting out today all fucking week.

Thank God to see you man.

- Rick, Rick. What are you talking about, man?

You're not even making any sense here.

I didn't even know I was getting out until today.

- Exactly.

Fuck, it's good to see you buddy.

- Julian, we're both baked.

That's why he's not making sense.

- Big time, man.

- Rick, you already gotta smoke going there.

- No I-

- Listen, boys, boys, boys, boys.

I gotta go home. Have a few drinks, okay?

The parole board fucked me around big time today.

Just have to be alone here. Okay?

No offense guys. I gotta go.

- Should we just have another drink or something buddy?

- Come on Julian. Hang on.

Hang out with me for a bit. I just wanna surprised for you.

I haven't seen months. Come on buddy.

- Boys, I just come home from jail.

- All right, all right, all right.

But listen, Rick. He's on a war path, okay.

He wants to fuck you over big time.

Julian, I'm the fucking trailer park supervisor.

Now Bubble's the assistant.

Lahey can fuck off, all right.

I'm not doing anything wrong.

We're don't gotta deal with that for two week,

who gives a fuck

No, no, no.

- They're back today, Rick.

- What? They're the jail too.

- So watch your back

- Bubbles, listen.

- Rick.

I want you guys to get drunk, all right?

Have a fucking great time today buddy. You deserve man.

You've been in jail. You have some dope?

I got dope in the trailer, Bubbles.

I gotta do some paperwork. Alright guys.

- Okay.

- What's up with smokes, man.

- He always smokes three smokes.

- Come on. Let's get some liquor.

- Hey Jim Lahey here with part two

of not the liquor stories.

Oh, it's "Ask Me Fucking Anything"

Look here's part one. We just did the part one.

Here's part two. And I got a couple more questions and oh,

I'm almost finished the liquor,

but I was promised for part two,

I got another liquor bottle.

Okay, so let's get right to the questions.

Rutgers81: That's Rucker Howard's brother.

He's older brother. He's 81.

Mr. Lahey-

Oh Morgan Freeman.

I already really liked The Trailer Park Boys.

I heard Morgan Freeman. He's cool, dude.

I say no more. Say no more.

Mr. Lahey,

I've noticed that you have an extensive vocabulary,

even excluding shitisms, e.g., malthusian.

Did you go to Catholic school?

I certainly did. I went to, I was taught by the nuns.

I remember once the nun, the nun, the nun came up,

nun came up to me and she said, she said, I,

I forget what she said, but I said to her, I said, listen,

I'm very uncomfortable.

Could you your hands where I can see them?

And I don't know why I said that, but I got in big shit.

Anyway,

Malthusian. Malthusian doctrine.

That was Malthos- Robert and Mathlos 1800-something.

He talked about the difference between...

the arithmetic production

of food staffs

and uh, uh Randy what's the other one?

- [Randy] What?

- It's not, it's not arithmetic.

What's the other?

- [Randy] The Eurythmics

- No, The Eurythmics, Randy,

like the population expands in a geo mantic-

nevermind

- Tectonic ship plates.

- They're not ship plates, Randy.

Randy's gonna be here soon. And he's gonna answer.

Number 14, ajló_0333.

[whispers] Oh, 333.

Lahey, how do you feel about Randy's shitstash?

Well, it's a tickler.

I tell you that it's a nice little tickler and sometimes it

gets tangled in the little diddly dangle.

but look a AJLó_0333.

He hasn't really come out yet as an evil person.

6, 6, 6. You know, I used to have a phone number.

Guess what? Here's how it went.

I was always looking like looking for, you know,

[sing song]

You know, I was always looking for that,

and then one day I phoned home, and I phoned home and it was

two, two eight, two, six, six, six.

It's a small world after- it is

coincidence, it is a fucking incredible coincidence.

Christina-

Adelson. As the foremost experts on shit related activities,

What are your lips- oh no.

What are your tips for surviving a shitnado or a

shiticane? What does the liquor recommend?

What do you recommend Mr. Liquor?

Well, as Randy always told me, he says, Mr. Lahey,

when you're in a shiticane, you just keep your lips closed.

Right, and he to turn your face away from the shit storm.

But here's the thing.

Sometimes we get dropped into a shit abyss by other extreme

extremities.

Other extreme circumstances has no cause of our own.

We have no, like there's no compunction or no compatibility

or whatever it is.

And all you have to do is you just have to wait it out.

Like you just hunker down, cover up, wear out.

Don't try to fight the shit storm.

Shit storm will kill you every fucking time.

- Look at that. You got so many burgers.

So look, that's our special sauce

- Okay.

- We got the mustard, the ketchup, mayo, onion, and pickles.

That looks pretty freaking tasty.

- And then we stir,

did you like that? Do you hear it?

- That sounds like sex sauce.

- That's sexy sauce. Is this Randy's sexy sauce?

- Kind of. It could be a super sex sauce.

- Do you wanna stir it for a little bit?

- But I've got burger on my hand.

- It's okay. It's okay.

We're in the trust tree. We're in the Matty trust tree.

So you stir it.

Okay. That's good.

Okay, Randy, let's crank up the oven here. The flat top.

So we're just gonna griddle 'em you know griddle?

- Yes.

Okay. I usually barbecue cause I don't have that in

the trailer.

- No, this is nice.

We're we're having the luxury. This is luxury.

This is a fancy- - stainless steel

- Stainless stain, yeah.

- Stainless steel.

Good, yeah that's the good stuff there.

- That's the good stuff.

And now we gotta open up some cheese cause we gotta do it

really quickly.

We were gonna cook these burgers cause we're gonna push 'em

down really thin.

- Okay.

And then I'm gonna butter some buns. We got some nice buns.

- You butter your bun

- We butter our buns.

- Really?

- Yes. Do you want double burgers?

Do you want 'em all to be double burgers?

- Doubles are nice.

- Doubles are nice. There's one thing.

1, 2, 3, 4, and then one we'll have one single.

That'd be for someone.

- That's like an hors d'oeuvre

That's like an hors d'oeuvre

- That's French for pre-meal

- Pre-meal? Hors d'oeuvre, I don't know is it?

- That's a big butter knife,

- But you could cut yourself with that.

You gotta be careful, Randy.

The world's a dangerous place.

Grab some balls.

Now we gotta smoosh 'em.

Yeah buddy.

Yes. Perfect.

Oh, you fucked it!

Randy! You fucked it!

- I'm sorry.

- For fucks Sakes, man.

- I don't normally smoosh them.

- Now you fucking rat fucked it

- I'm fricking sorry.

- Then we gotta salt them

For fricks sake.

You fucking rat fucked that fucking one, Randy.

- Not my fault!

Yeah it is! What are we gonna do with that one now?

Now no one's gonna have one.

Hey, now we gotta get the buns on.

Got bottoms on one side.

- It's crowns.

- Crowns.

- That's a heel and that's a crown.

- There's a heel and a crown.

- That's right. - I didn't know that.

just learned.

- See.

- Hey, we're learning from each other.

You're sweaty

Then put the cheese when I flip it, put the cheese, okay

Put the cheese on top.

- You want me to get the cheese now?

- Yeah.

- Right away?

- Yeah.

- What about cook time?

- We're cooking. These are cooking like 30 more seconds.

- Okay.

Oh yeah buddy.

Oh, these are soft.

Does that look good?

- That looks awesome.

- Anyone ever tell you that you're kind of sexy when

you're cooking?

- Sure.

- And now do you wanna talk with some sauce?

- Yeah.

- Look at that.

- Mm.

- Oh buddy.

See?

- Okay. I see what you're doing.

- Did you feel me?

=Yeah. These are like donuts.

- See this brioche soft brioche crowns.

- Brioche.

- Before you ever eat anything,

you have to take a photo for Instagram.

Do you know Instagram?

- I'm not really.

It's a world where everyone is beautiful.

Everyone's always on vacation. It's really nice.

Have you ever heard food porn?

- Is that when people put it on their bodies?

- No. No, no.

You just have to, you just have to take food.

This is food porno. This is porno food.

- Yeah. But you should take the top off.

- How beautiful is that?

- It'd be more beautiful. Like I, if I get to eat one.

- Okay. Let's try one.

I hope it's your favorite cheeseburger.

Is that the best cheeseburger you've ever had?

- Oh man.

It is! It freaking is.

- Randy

so happy.

How's that special sauce?

Are you getting like a little bit of crunch?

That's the best cheeseburger.

- Look at the smoke coming off.

- It's not, it's steam.

- Steam.

- Steam, Randy.

- It's got the perfect cheese, to bun,

to meat and sauce ratio.

Oh my gosh.

I love you man. All you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Just gonna go over here.

Where you going?

- I'm just going.

You gotta clean up. Randy, we gotta fucking clean up.

We got [indistinct] pie for the boys.

Just kiss me on the mouth.

His lips tasted like a fucking asshole

that ate a cheeseburger.

- Really good cheeseburger. Holy Matty.

The perfect meat to bun to cheese ratio and a special sauce.

Secret sauce.

Well,

I guess it's not a secret now cause he told everyone how to

make it.

I fucking got decked by fucking Randy.

He got the cheeseburgers, kissed me on the mouth

and fucked off.

I just fell. I,

I loved him at that moment that I bit that burger.

That's why I kissed him. And he's a good kisser.

I give him that too.

- It's like he used me.

I guess that, that, that I feel misled.

Well, fuck you Randy.

See full circle. I'm back to hating you, you fucking prick.

- Dear Julian.

Even with my job, 3 to 11 I feel like I don't really

have much time to- to do with my time

I don't. Just a second.

My job is 3 to 11.

I feel like I don't really have much to do with my time.

What would feel rewarding to me?

Any advice on what could eat up my time and get me some

satisfaction. Michelle, you're fucked.

Okay. If you don't know, what's gonna make you happy.

You got some problems.

I mean you're working from 3 to 11. All right.

Those are shitty fucking hours.

If you don't have time after that long ass shift to

to go do something fun and what, what?

You just come home from work and go, fuck,

I've got nothing to do.

And you just sit there in your apartment and you just do

nothing.

Come on, get some go.

Well, find some friends or go to what bar?

Get drunk, get super drunk, go up to people.

Talk to them, try to get banged.

Sounds like you need to get banged. Michelle.

Jesus Christ.

All right, dear Julian.

I'm a positive person,

but sometimes I feel down and out of sorts.

You're always so positive.

And in control of every situation.

What is your secret to always being positive in control of

the situations? Thanks in advance.

All right. Well, number one,

you have to be positive because if you don't,

you're gonna fucking fail. All right.

I've gone through a lot of shit in my life and I've had a,

you know, my parents leaving me when I was young,

but I've never used that as an excuse because I think I've

done all right for myself and you know,

I'm a survivor in life.

So just have to be positive.

Okay? If you, if you're sitting around gossiping,

shit like that and talking about people

and my life fucking sucks,

you're just gonna,

you're gonna be a loser for the rest of your fucking life.

Be positive, make something, have some goals.

Always have goals.

It's fucking easy.

Thomas Skying. Dear Julian,

I decided I want to take charge of my destination and start

making money for myself.

Nothing big to something small so I can,

so you can do it on the side as an entrepreneur.

What advice would you give someone who doesn't want to do

the nine to five and wants to work hard and make money?

Oh fuck.

It's like, you know,

I haven't really figured out the perfect business and,

but the thing with me, I, I never give up.

Okay. You just can't quit.

Try to stir up your own business, man.

I mean, best advice I can give you is pay yourself first.

Okay?

If you've got employees, you pay yours to

make sure you get the money first and give them whatever you

can give them. But you know, pay yourself first.

Don't pay the government a God damn thing.

Government usually gets paid first,

but that's where most people go wrong.

All right. That's it.

Questions are pretty fucked, but hopefully I'll, you know,

I give some people some help. If not, I don't give a fuck.

Cheers.

- Get up.

- Yeah. I would.

- Get up. Get drunk faster.

- Put my legs, my legs over.

- What am I doing with that?

- Oh, for fucks sake.

- Jesus Murphy.

- The harder they fall, Bubbles. The harder they fall.

- You should go home and maybe have a little nap.

- See you later guys.

- He just stole that fucking book.

- What?

- Get back you fucking drunk.

- Oh, that cock sucker.

He stolen my fucking book.

- I'm gonna have a little nap.

We should get up around three and fucking start partying.

He's gonna be pass out all night so we can

be loud as fuck tonight.

- Are we done? Not fucking ended it.

- I don't know.

- All right

- What ar we talking about?

- Well, we were talking about, I don't know.

I mean, I guess that's probably probably enough for today.

Look, there's pets on the floor.

Fuck, see there's something here. Cocks not Glocks.

I'd like to know what that was about.