Original subtitles

- [Announcer] Warning.

The following program contains really course language, weed,

alcohol consumption, smoking, and sexual inferences.

This content may not be suitable for viewers under 18.

To activate parental controls

please press the go [bleep] yourself button

on your remote control.

[calm bright music]

- Now everybody has all kinds of fucking candy

from trick or treating, from last week.

So you pick a house that has like four fucking kids in it.

They're gonna have all kinds of good shit.

So you go to the door, what are they gonna say, "no"?

They'd probably be scared of me.

Definitely be scared of you.

- They're gonna call the cops Ricky,

if you go up banging on the door, fucking demanding candy,

dressed up as a hotdog, a fucking week after Halloween.

- Well then I'm gonna put it there

out to the fucking cops to fucking try

to come over and take my candy tonight.

See what happens.

- You're gonna threaten the police on the air, are you?

- I'm not gonna threaten them,

I'm gonna say, "Look, I'm fucking going trick or treating.

I missed the last week 'cause you dicks

threw me in jail for pissing in fucking public.

And then fucking kept me in the next couple days

for a little tiny fight with four guys. Fuck off!"

Anyway. That's all I'm gonna say about that.

Fucking cops sometimes.

They try to take the fun out of it.

And I mean, I can't miss a fucking Halloween

because my dad always said,

that we, our family, I guess invented Halloween.

Some of our old fucking relatives.

- Who used to say that, Ray?

- Yeah. Remember I didn't wanna go trick or treating

once I got a little bit older,

'cause it wasn't fucking cool.

I'm like, "Dad, I'm not fucking going",

he said, "Oh you're fucking going",

I said, "No, I'm not going",

he said, "Well, you have to,

because I don't know if you knew this Ricky,

but your great, great grandfather, grandmother"--

Holy fuck! It's raining horse cocks out there.

The wind.

- Yeah must be the wind.

- He said my great grandfather.

Great, great, great,

or four greats, mother, father, one of them,

decided to come up with the idea for Halloween

to make the kids happier, and scare them a little.

- Your great, great, great grand, whatever.

His name was Horse Cock?

- It could have been, I don't know.

I just said it was raining horse cocks.

I didn't say his name was Raining--

- Oh, I thought his name was Raymond Horse Cock.

- Oh, Raymond, that would be a weird fucking

[stutters]

Coincilence stance.

You know that word. [chuckles]

So isn't that cool?

- So was your great-grandfather's name

Raymond Horse Cock or not?

- Let's just go with that.

Good old Raymond, fucking came up with this whole idea.

So from that point on, I never missed a Halloween.

So it's Halloween, November,

but it's still fucking Halloween to me,

and Raymond, if you're listening to this

wherever the fuck you are,

cheers to you, my friend.

And great fucking idea you had.

- So Ricky, Ray told you your great grandfather,

great, great grandfather invented Halloween?

- Could have been grandmother.

I guess it was sad times back then and kids needed a boost.

So he thought, "Hey, if all the kids fucking dress up,

then no one knows who the kids actually are.

They can just be crazy and have fun".

No one knows who was the crazy people.

He scares them a little bit,

and then candy is like a celebration.

All kids love candy.

- He came up with that, did he?

What year did Ray say that all took place in?

- It would have to have been

at least a hundred years ago for sure.

- Well, Halloween's been around longer than that I believe.

- Okay. Well it was more than that then.

Why are you asking questions,

if you already know the fucking answers to them?

- What are we doing right now?

- Introducing our guest.

- No, first you're gonna do your little cookie shit show.

- All right. Today, we're gonna have Randy's kitchen.

It's gonna be the best cheeseburger, calzone ever.

All right.

- [Mr. Lahey] Okay.

- I wanna bring this with me, Mr. Lahey, just in case.

- [Mr. Lahey] All right.

- We gotta go over here 'cause you took up all the room,

but it's okay.

We got a bunch of extra space Mr. Lahey.

- We're going over to Ricky set, are we?

- No, Mr. Lahey, it's just extra room.

- It's Ricky set. It's Ricky set.

And you guess what?

You're sexy, Randy.

- We're gonna cook Mr. Lahey.

I took everything. Look, liquor, stories.

- Look, let me look in your eyes.

Just, Randy.

- It's the lights, Mr. Lahey.

- I can see the whole of space infinity in your eyes, Randy.

- How drunk are you?

- I'm not drunk, Randy,

I just had a couple little drinky poos.

♪ High ho, high ho, it's off to the cooking show ♪

♪ Oh, I forgot my drink. I better get one ♪

Get the fuck over there Randy.

- Oh Mr. Lahey cheeseburger calzones!

- Oh love the calzones!

- Whee hee hee! - Whoo whoo whoo!

- What the frig did I just step on?

Oh my frig! What the?

- Randy. Holy fuck.

- This is piss Mr. Lahey!

- I'm up for it, Randy.

- I'm covered in pee!

Geeze! Mr. Lahey, What the frig's going on in this house?

What the frig? Holy!

- Off. Turn that fucking thing off, Randy.

Stick it up your ass [laughs]. Randy.

- What the frig!

It won't stop! - Randy. It's all blowing.

- Randy. You fucked up! This is the piss and shitty.

- Ohh!

- Randy. What the fuck? It's.

- What the fuck just hit me?

- It's a bundle of cocks, Randy. It's fucking.

You fucking piece.

- Mr. Lahey!

- You fuck everything up Randy!

- Mr. Lahey, Ricky clearly set booby traps.

- It's just a piece of shit.

- It's because you frigging messed with his set Mr. Lahey.

- What are you talking about Randy?

I was the one that fuck. Okay. Don't. wait.

- I'm covered in piss and...

- Wait.

- Flour. Got hit with a big bunch of cocks.

The show is ruined.

- It isn't ruined Randy. It's never too fucking late.

Always grab the bull by the horns Randy.

- Frig the guest Mr. Lahey.

- Fuck you.

- I didn't even get to do the cooking show.

- Stay. Just stay.

- Show's over.

- Stay there ladies and gentlemen.

- [Randy] Show's freaking over.

- We got for fucks sake.

We got a lot of fucking good shit

to do here ladies and gentlemen.

We're just gonna finish up the show in a nice little coven.

Randy. Come on, back up here, bud.

- [Randy] I'm not coming back Mr. Lahey.

- Randy, you gotta fucking come back here.

We gotta shoot a show.

- [Randy] Frig off!

- Okay. Bring. Go fuck yourself.

Okay. Bring the special guest.

Ladies and gentlemen, we got a special guest for you today,

who's gonna show us how to make

two tin cans of a rocket ship with a Bic lighter.

So come on, bring up.

Where's the special guest?

- [Cameraman] He's gone.

- What?

- [Cameraman] He's gone.

- The special guest is gone?

- [Cameraman] He left ages ago.

- Huh? Well, as you say in Latin Colosseum,

logas bogus [indistinct].

[laughs]

Fuck you.

Okay. So why don't we just finished off the show very nicely

with a little drink to our sponsor.

And Randy, you fucking ruined the ratings!

No one's gonna fucking look in the next...

Doesn't matter--

Oh, I know what I could do.

I have a trick, a magic trick.

See this? I can make this go all the way through my body.

Oh, this is a little liquor-poo.

All the way through my body into this hand,

and then back again.

Watch this.

♪ Ti-Ti-Ri-Ri-Ri

♪ Ti-Ri-Li-Ri-Li-Ri-Li-Ri-Li

♪ Ti-Ti-Ti-Ti

Ta-da!

Now back again,

♪ Du-Du-Ru-Du-Ru

♪ Du-Du

And special show.

Ta!

Ta fucking!

[chuckles]

Ta-da!

Tune in next week to see if Randy can get his shit together.

Until then, [indistinct]

[laughs]

Yeah, fuck off.

I'm sorry, I fucked up.

[gurgling]

That's good shit.

[eerie music]

Thanks for tuning in to the Jim Lahey Show, and Randy.

[eerie music]

- What are you guys taping in here?

- A friend of mine's doing a documentary.

Don't worry about it.

- All right. What?

- Look, I need some stuff and I could rob you

or you could just give it to me.

It's up to yourself. So.

- You're Ricky, right?

- Yeah, man.

- Yeah, man. Get whatever you want. I don't care.

- Right on. Give me four packs of smokes.

Yeah, and I'm gonna take these flowers here.

- Smokes. How many smokes there?

- I was here first there, bud.

- What's that camera doing here?

- None of your fucking business actually.

- Obviously you don't know who the fuck I am.

- Obviously.

- My name is Cyrus, Cyrus.

And I don't give a fuck who you are.

- Better chill out there heavy metal dick.

- Yeah? Well you go back to the bowling alley

you came from helmet head.

- You're fucking lucky I'm on probation.

- Is that right? See ya.

That's it. Bye, bye.

- Hey Cyrus, you didn't pay.

- [Cyrus] Fuck off.

- See this? All right.

Old man gave me that when I was in grade seven.

Seen a lot of action.

Nine millimeter.

Safety, always off.

Told me he was proud of me once.

Fucking prick.

[birds cawing]

[engine running] [car driving]

[radio playing]

[car door opening]

[bottle smashing]

[car door shutting]

[footsteps]

- We gotta make a few things clear.

- Sure.

- Two of us can't live in this trailer park together.

Now can we?

- Right. So I guess someone's gotta move.

- That's what I'm talking about.

Hey, that's my shit!

[TV breaking]

Hey, that's my shit!

That's my shit.

Obviously you didn't hear me

when I say clear out your own shit.

Now I want a new TV, I want a VCR,

and I want my porn tapes replaced,

because those were the creme de la creme.

- I want you out this park.

- [scoffs] I'm not leaving.

I provide a service for these good people.

They're like my family.

You tell them people, go on.

- [Julian] Let show of hands. Those who need his dope.

- I like to take this opportunity to let anybody know

that me and Tyrone's open for business.

We service all your dope needs. Good prices too.

You know what I'm saying?

- See, we don't need you here.

- Well, I'm not leaving.

And I'm not afraid to use this gun.

- I think you're afraid.

- Fuck afraid. You think I won't pull the trigger?

My brain tells my finger to pull the trigger and, boom!

Happens just like that.

- Well, let me talk to your brain then.

Hey, Cyrus's brain, pull the trigger.

- Oh, funny guy. [cocking gun]

- Pull the trigger.

Do it, do it!

[scoffs]

You're not gonna do it, man.

- Cyrus you fucking dick!

- Shut up!

- Why don't you do yourself a favor.

You're not from the park man. You don't belong here.

This is my family.

Why don't you get out of here?

- I don't need this shit anyway.

[footsteps] [Cyrus mumbling]

[car driving] [radio playing]

- Thanks for getting rid of Cyrus for us Julian.

Now, if you could just help straighten Ricky out,

we'd be all set.

All right, everybody, party's over.

Let's go home.

- Welcome back, Julian.

- [Someone In The Crowd] Fuck off Mr. Lahey.

[bright music]

- Hi, I'm Julian.

I've been on my own since I was six or seven.

That's when I started drinking rum.

My life has been fucked up, but I'm a survivor.

If you want advice, I'll give it to you.

If you use it, that's fine,

but if you don't, I really don't give a fuck.

Hey, this is dear Julian. I'm Julian.

Let's get this fucking going.

All right, "Dear Julian. I wake up to get outta bed,

I pissed myself in my sleep.

My friends and family won't let me crash at the crib anymore

because I piss on the couch.

People get all bitchy when I accidentally

piss all over them" Right, Jesus man.

"It's a problem I have never grown outta since I was born.

I'm nearly thirty years old now.

How can I stop pissing myself in the bed?

And putting my bed wetting habit once and for all to rest?"

Okay, man. All right. Number one.

If you're drinking a lot and shit,

maybe you're just too fucking drunk. Okay?

You get Lahey drunk.

You've seen it happen to him many times before on TV.

But if it's not, I don't know, man.

Maybe go see a doctor.

Maybe sit and find out what time

the piss time is through the night, set an alarm.

Get up a little early.

Or just don't fucking drink anything.

Okay? All right.

That's all I can do for you, bud.

All right now, Dan Maughan.

Okay, Dan Maughan.

"Dear Julian, my old boss is being a massive prick

and won't pay up my last week's wages.

Should I be patient and wait for him to try to sort it out?

Or should I talk, walk into a club,

and tell the dummies that stole my job

he said I could have a tab and drink my wage

before pissing in the booth

and leave there with slight dignity."

All right, man, like fuck, the guy owes you money.

I wouldn't go to the club,

I'd go right to the motherfucker's house, all right?

You go to his house, you knock on the door,

you say, "Hey, listen bud, you owe me money.

I want my cash. See you later at the bar tonight.

Have it, or else I'm gonna get pissed off".

Then you go to his bar, meet him up later and say, "Alright"

you still do the same thing you just said.

You start drinking, do the whole tab thing.

Collect your money, drink for free.

I think it's a good idea.

I mean, you know, he owes you cash, he's being a dick.

All right.

Convicted.

"Dear Julian, for the past 25 years,

I've worked for some rich city pricks

with the task of rebuilding the rundown farms

and turning them into profitable working farms.

For the last year now the missus has been hounding to me

to sell up and invest in my own farm,

become the landowner I've dreamed of being.

We're talking about a massive gamble

by investing every penny I own into my own farm.

Should I go for it?

Stay with the little small holding I already have?"

Listen, man.

All right, this is a good question.

You know, I'm a business man.

And if I had some cash on me

and I want to invest in my own business

and be my own fucking boss,

that's the way to do it, man.

I mean, you've been working for these other fucking people,

making them tons of money.

This is a no brainer, man.

Risk everything.

If you don't, you're gonna fucking regret it,

and you're probably gonna end up

with no fucking money to have fun when you're retired.

You're never gonna be able to retire, man.

So go for it.

Okay.

There's not many fucking questions here.

Trevor Jade Walker.

"Julian, bud, my girlfriend keeps bugging me

because almost every t-shirt I own is black

and says I need to have more variety.

But my favorite color is black,

and I don't want anything other than black shirts.

What should I tell her?"

I'd tell her to fuck off, all right?

I find it easy, like, you know,

it takes some people half hour

to figure out what the fuck they're gonna wear every day.

For me, it's the same thing.

I gain a half hour over everyone, you know?

So I can go and do my thing and make money, right?

Because that's what life is about right now.

Make money, try to retire early, have some fun.

So I'd say, "Hey listen, you know, honey,

just let me fucking be who I wanna be.

If I wanna dress this way,

this is the way I want to do it.

If you don't love me...

if you love me, you'll fucking accept it."

All right. The next question's from Kristen Sara Kuchera.

"Julian, my obsessive stalker ex-husband is dating my cousin

to try to piss me off and linger around.

Should I kick both their asses

or avoid that side of my family

until the greasy bastard disappears?

Oh man. That's a tough one.

So he's a stalker.

I mean, your cousin sounds like she's a bit of a fuckhead.

You know, she's going over with your ex husband

for fuck sakes.

Uh, I don't know.

I'd want to get back at them.

I would definitely want to kick her ass

because it's your cousin.

She deserves to get her ass kicked.

Knee him and the nuts a few times.

I'd take him out, I would seriously do that.

Do that, and then just don't have anything to do

with that side of the family or them at least.

Everybody's gonna hate you

if you do that on her side, obviously,

but you can say she's a fucking bitch,

that's, you know, causing shit with me.

It's obvious.

Okay.

I don't know if you want to call her a bitch,

call her whatever you want to call her.

I don't know what you'd call her.

She's your cousin.

I'd be a lot worse than that actually.

[sighs]

So I guess that's all the questions.

So I hope this helped you out,

if not though, I don't give a fuck. Good luck.

[bright music]

[Mr Lahey stomping]

- Are we rolling?

- [Cameraman] Yeah, of course.

- Oh yeah. Welcome to ask me any fucking [stutters]

Fucking ask me anything with the Swearnet,

questions from Facebook and Swearnet.

I answer cold, and so I need my questions.

Can I have my questions?

- [Cameraman] You're fucking sitting on them, bud.

- I am sitting on my questions.

Oh, they're there.

Well, it's not very... you can't read them.

They're all... oh, for fuck sakes.

First of all, let me have a little sippy.

This is a toast to my audio radiances.

You guys are looking good today, and here's a toast to you.

Propane, propane.

Oh yeah.

Good Liquormen's.

Nothing better.

"Dear Lahey. I really liked it when you were off the liquor

in season 11, treating Ricky nicely.

Do you think you'll ever..."

This by Ragin Cajun.

Number one question.

"Do you think you'll ever burn the hatchet at both ends

and make up with he and Julian?"

Ragin Cajun, like a Cajun.

Cajun is like Acadian, Acadian Cajun.

I bet she lives down Louisiana, down in Louisiana.

But you know what?

It's not burn a hatchet at both ends.

If you were a raging Indian,

I could see you're saying that for your amology,

but a raging Cajun doesn't say burn a hatchet at both ends.

'Cause it's a candle.

Even if you are on the liquor, it could actually turn out

to be beneficial for you and Bobanders.

Um.

What is the question?

Do you think you've ever burned the hatchet of both ends

and make up with Julian?

Even if you are on the liquor

could actually turn out to be beneficial for--

Bobanders doesn't like the fact

that me and Julian have a secret kind of like...

It's dark, it's very dark, but it's light.

I don't know what the question means.

Okay. Number two.

Organic187.

"Dear Lahey, How people have you shot over the years,

and why do they still let you have a gun?"

They don't let me have a gun.

Any [indistinct] I have are...

I don't have a permit right now,

and that's just the ways I want to be.

How many people have I shot?

Well.

Shot a guy by mistake once.

Shot myself by mistake once.

I missed the guy I was shooting at once.

That's all I can remember.

Michelle, my bell.

"Dear Lahey, what is one guilty pleasure

you enjoy too much to give up?"

Freud calls guilt super ego.

So your guilt is your super ego.

I don't have a super ego, so I don't feel guilty.

So there's no pleasures I feel guilty about.

So there's no guilt. [gibberish]

"Dear Lahey."

Number four, Jeff.

"What's the best cure for a liquor surge?"

Well, I'll give you a illustration.

If you have to sneeze and you go, achoo!

You can blow your ear balls.

You can actually, I've heard it,

that you can blow your sack,

and you can fucking blow your balls right out of your sack.

If you check a super sneeze.

It's the same with a liquor surge,

you don't check a liquor surge.

You do, it can cause irreparable damage

to the psycho system or the fucking atmosphere.

John Velez. This one's a fucking fold and a half,

I'll tell you that.

"Dear Mr. Lahey,

you have told us several versions of the story

about when you first realized

that you were sexually attracted to men.

There's the bachelor pool party story,

then there's a story about two Scottish gentlemen

that you accidentally walked in on,

the incident in Italy,

and then finally there's Randers

from the time that you were on the police force.

They cannot all be the first time.

Can you please tell us which story describes the time

when you first realized you were attracted to other men?"

It's not really a physical attraction to other men,

like the scraping and the burning of the shogggle,

and the bigga baggy,

it doesn't really fucking turn me on.

It really happened when I was like, I was about nine or 10,

and I was with my cousin, he was a couple years older,

and he was asking if he could have one of my socks,

and I didn't want, why, why?

And he pull his sock into his fucking sleeping bag with him.

And pretty soon there was a jizistic odorifous

coming from the sleeping bag.

And I was, you know, I asked him,

I insisted what he was doing.

He showed me.

And that was it.

I would say I was nine or 10

and first time I ever came in a sock, it hurt.

Like I remember like, I think it was guilt.

It was Catholic guilt that I...

It actually, like sometimes when you cum, like,

it feels like, "Oh!",

like it's called the petite mort, petite mort,

the little death.

Like it's after a lion fucking bangy bangys,

he can't run as fast.

And then the young lion comes in.

That's ridiculous.

Anyway, it's true, but it has nothing to do with this.

First time I ever knew I was attracted to a man

it was just to a hand, that's all it was, just to a hand.

- It's time to go trick or treating.

Three more beer, shotgun, two more joints. Let's go buddy.

Trick or treat time. - Are we really doing this?

- Fucking right we are.

- All right.

- My only problem is.

Fuck, gotta do a boner test.

No, we're gonna be fine.

- Ricky, why would you get a boner?

- Oh, in case you see a trick or treat.

Might be some hot moms.

You got an extra trick or treat bag for me, buddy?

- Thanks for listening.

Go to swearnet.com to watch it. [chuckles]

- [Ricky] Let's go kitty.

[bright music] [cat meows]

[birds cawing]

[ship engine running] [birds cawing]

[fishes saying "fuck"]

[eerie music]

- [In The Background] Fuck off.