Original subtitles

- Warning, the following program contains

really course language, weed, alcohol consumption,

smoking, and sexual inferences.

This content may not be suitable

for viewers under 18.

To activate parental controls,

please press the go [bleep] yourself button

on your remote control.

[bright piano music] [children playing]

- [Ricky] What's up man?

- Ricky, what's going on?

- Sup boys?

- [Bubbles] What are you doin? I got you some socks.

- [Julian] Got some socks. - Right on.

- Nice socks.

The buy-way, on sale.

- White and black.

- Yeah. - Got two colors

white and black.

What are you doing? What are those?

- Just waitin for the fuckin

bolognairs to get ready boys.

- [Bubbles] Holy fuck, you're making bolognairs?

- Fuckin' rights.

- Decent!

- Thought we'd have somethin' special for this little

thing today.

- Decent, all right!

Get er goin! - What the fuck is that?

- What the hell, is that a turntable?

- [Bubbles] Yeah.

- Did you make that? - [Ricky] He just gonna sleep

through this, is he?

- [Bubbles] What? - [Julian] Who is?

- [Ricky] Met some fuckin guy at the legion last night

and decided to come back - Ricky who the fuck is that?

- and party.

I think his name's Jerry?

- You picked up a dude at the legion last night?

- I didn't pick him up, no

we were partying - You picked him up.

and he wanted to keep

fuckin partying - Hey bud!

so we came back here.

- Bud, you gotta go, we gotta shoot a thing, you gotta get-

[man speaks in foreign language]

- I'm just, uh, traveling through.

- [Bubbles] Ricky!

- [Ricky] What?

- That's Terry! - He said I could-

he said I could take five. - That's who?

- [Ricky] Terry, yeah, that's it.

- [Bubbles] That's Terry!

- [Julian] Who's Terry?

- [Bubbles] Terry!

From the FUBAR movie! [indistinct]

- [Julian] What the fuck is he doing here?

- What's that?

- [Bubbles] Ricky where didja meet him at?

- Fuck. - I'm fuckin-

- You know what? - You fuckin get

dinner goin, or what?

- [Ricky] Yeah man.

I fuckin know who you are now.

- Ricky 'member we went to the movies?

- I didn't know he was famous.

- Fuck. - Well fuck.

- He's a good partier

let me tell ya - Hey Terry!

What's goin on? - How's it goin!

I'm Terry!

What's your name? - Bubbles, how ya doin?

- Bubbles, nice ta fuckin meet you!

- Good to meet you! - I seen you!

- Ya have on the TV. - Fuck I'm a little dizzy guys

- [Ricky] You fuckin gave her last night

- I'm a little dizzy. What's your name, bud?

- [Julian] Hey what's up. Julien man.

- Nice to fuckin pleasure, right on.

- You were right out of her

were ya? - Fuck yeah,

no I was just a bit parched. - Oh man.

- We gave her fuckin hard last night.

- You want a beer? - Yeah fuck.

Sorry guys, just crashin' out there.

- Yeah no worries.

- We're just,

shooting something here man. - Here pull up a speaker.

- Well gee uh-

- You can be in the thing with us here if you want

just pull up a speaker.

- [Ricky] Easy on the speakers, Bubs.

- Fuck, sorry guys, I went a little rough there.

- Fuck.

- Holy shit. - I can't believe your

partying with Terry!

[Bubbles laughs] - Hey um,

- Terry!

- I wish I remembered it.

- Is there a- - Where's Deaner at?

He's not here, is he? - Sorry I just-

- I just have a little, one second there guys,

sorry I just got a-

[burps] Where's the shitter?

- [Julian] What is this,

you're gonna take a- - [Bubbles] It's down there,

don't piss in the - Oh fuck,

sorry.

- Piss down there, yeah?

- Hold on guys, I'll be right fuckin back.

- Ricky.

You met Terry!

- I had no idea, I can fuckin tell ya he can party.

Holy fuck. - Well fuck.

- The fuckin beers he was shotgunning was nuts!

- Yeah, fuck, he's one of the craziest drinkers

I've ever seen.

- I don't remember much after leaving the fuckin legion.

- [Julian] What, crazier than Lahey?

- Hey sorry guys I, fuck I don't even really remember

I didn't meet you there again?

- You just met me man - Fuck, sorry.

It's Julian. - Julian.

For fuck sakes.

- Bubbles. - Bubbles, yeah.

- Didja wash your hands, man? - I remember you from

last night. - Yeah man.

- Terry.

- Fuck that was a ripper! [howls]

- Fuck yeah man.

- I'm gonna just have a cool one if that's all right.

- Right in the door there.

- This one? Thanks guys!

Fucks - Pass me one too

I'll take one - Oh there ya go

bud, is that the right one? Anyone else want

a brewski there?

- I'll take one of the other ones

the green bastards, bud.

- Green bastards, there ya go.

- There, we'll take that.

- Right on, fuck

that was a real where were we - That reminds me of the

there. - Trevor bit.

Just like Trevor. [beers opening]

- Fuck, and you got the berlones,

what's it called again?

- Bolognairs - Bolognairs

- Bolognairs, last night we were fuckin' sittin'-

Cheers boys!

Fuck right on, right on. - Cheers man.

- We was sittin on the fuckin' curb, starvin'

everything's closed up, and he says

"I got an idea for somethin'."

- And then we fuckin' passed out.

- Yeah?

- But now we're fuckin' gonna get it.

- Bolognairs. Ricky she's startin' to

- Startin' to get a little- Startin' to blister there

you might wanna cut that layer off.

- All right, hold on a second.

- Do you, have you ever had a donair?

You know what a donair is?

- Oh fuck yeah, my cousin, she worked at the mall

and I had them all the time, so.

But this is like a real inovation, I ain't never seen

anything like that.

- Fuckin' bologna donairs I think are better than

real don- - Oh no.

- [Bubbles] No, it's not attached to it.

- Holy fuck, these are gonna be somethin'.

[warbling noise]

[heavy breathing]

[Bubbles laughs]

- Oh my god, I'm freakin' out!

I'm freakin' out right now!

It's Bubbles here,

in my command module I built.

I'm sittin' with this fella here, he's

Mission Specialist One on STS74.

Mission Specialist One on STS100.

And then he flew the Soyuz up, docked her with the

International Space Station, was up there for 5 months.

That's the one and only Chris Hadfield,

Colonel Hadfield, right here! In my spaceship!

[Bubbles laughs]

Welcome!

- Thank you. Colonel.

Commander.

- Thank you, Bubbles.

- How are ya doin'?

- Thank you. I'm sitting in the commanders seat.

[Bubbles laughs]

- I'm freakin' out, I'll tell ya' right now, I can barely

barely keep it together here. 'Cause this is, ya' know,

I built this, this is what I,

like to play space in here, and I know it's,

it's pretty accurate to, to what you're used to I believe.

- [laughs] It is. It is.

There are several realistic things here.

- [Bubbles] Yeah I like this thing,

I'm sure ya' have one of those.

Everybody needs one of those.

Anyway, so I wanted to just ask you

some things about space, if that's cool.

- I'm ready.

- Oh I mean, I been trying to be a space man,

pretty much my whole life I've been writin'

letters to NASA, ya' know for years and they don't reply.

So I was wonderin' first of all if there's a,

like if you know a direct line, or anyone I can call?

Ya' know, to maybe get the, the fast track.

- They have a filter.

- They do?

- Yeah.

- Well maybe there's a way to, ya' know, bypass that

is there?

'Cause I mean, I'm still, I'm ready to go.

I mean, I've been training, I built a centrifuge.

I built a centrifuge, almost spun myself to death in it.

[Chris laughs]

I can do like uh, I got up to about 12 g's.

12 sustained g's, I didn't black out so I mean,

that's gotta be worth somethin'.

- Did you tell NASA that?

- I did but they don't, they don't seem to believe me.

I mean, I could do all the things I-

I mean maybe not, I probably still need some training,

but I'd be willing to go. If, if we could.

So I wanted to talk to you about,

I mean you've gone out in the Space Shuttle two times.

- I have.

- That's- like I can't even believe that.

Could you, could you tell me what it's like?

Like, 'cause I'll probably, you know,

realistically I'll probably never get to do that.

- So- And I'm startin'

to accept that.

But could you just- [Chris laughs]

Could you just tell me what it's like?

Like, from the morning when you wake up, and,

ya' know you're going to space? What's that feel like?

- Well it sorta feels like this.

You're sitting in the pilots seat.

I'm sitting in the comanders seat.

Uh, on your side over there, this controls the engines.

- Yeah.

- And this controls the uh, auxiliary power units,

the general hydrolic power for the vehicle,

and everything we need in an emergency

is right here in the middle.

Everything you need in an emergency, including a telephone.

Everything that you need to handle in a big hurry

has to be right here so both of us can take care of it.

- Decent!

- You got it right.

And then over on this side I handle like,

environmental controls, and then the computers are

above my head, and you got all the reaction control system

above your head. You gotta take care of that.

- Okay, so if we just got into here,

and we were just, ya' know, and I mean,

we'd be on our backs right? Pointin' straight up.

This is, sort of a simulator

- Right. Right. type thing.

- But, like, if we just climbed in,

and we were gettin' ready to go to space,

what would be the first thing ya' do?

I guess ya' gotta turn, turn her on, do ya'?

- Uh, yeah, so you plug in your helmet,

so you can talk to everybody.

- Okay. Yeah. We got our helmets plugged in.

Do a COMCHECK. You hear me all right?

- Yes, COMCHECK. All right.

We gotta talk to Houston.

- Come in, Houston.

- Houston, hears you loud and clear.

It'd be uh, commander, pilot, MS1, MS2.

Loud and clear. You all set?

- Yup.

- Okay. And then, uh, we wanna make sure everything's

powered up, we got screens in front of us,

make sure everything's running.

And then uh, you actually have the most critical step,

you gotta, you gotta ignite the uh,

auxiliary power units on your side.

Three switches you gotta throw.

Oh, that was a good sound effect,

that was exactly how it sounds. In fact we,

we make that noise as well.

- Decent!

[Chris laughs] I knew it!

- And uh, then you gotta watch the pressures

make sure everything's coming up,

and that we got hydrolic pressure.

And then, uh,

three and a half minutes before launch

it's gonna check all the systems,

and the whole vehicle sways, you gotta sway with me.

- Is that, what's that, what does that now?

- So you got the big uh, metal pieces on the back of

the Shuttle are moving around, and the engines,

these huge engines, are swinging

- Yeah, I've seen that, all around like this-

- On the tv. They're moving around.

- So the whole vehicle sways,

and moves underneath you as you're sitting there.

- Decent!

- It is decent.

And then, uh, you're checking everything's gonna work.

Houston's got everything sorted out.

You're talking to Launch Control,

and about two minutes before launch

you clear all the, uh,

the extraneous memory out of the computers,

and then the Launch Director

gives you basically a go to launch.

- My god.

Imagine that.

[somber piano music]

- Hi, I'm Julian.

I've been on my own since I was six or seven,

that's when I started drinking rum.

My life has been fucked up, but,

I'm a survivor.

If you want advice I'll give it to ya'.

If you use it, that's fine, but if you don't,

I really don't give a fuck.

[Julian sighs]

- Julian! we gotta go bud, let's go.

- Oh, for fuck sakes. [sighs]

[ice clinks]

Hey this is "Dear Julian," I'm Julian.

And today I'm fucked,

and I shouldn't even be here right now doing this shit, but.

I'm gonna get some rum for it.

And I'm doin' uh, Ricky's with me. Ricky?

[Ricky groans]

Rick wake up, just say hi or, whatever.

- What is it we're doin'?

- It's their "Dear Julian's, we gotta answer some quest-

give people advice, answer their questions, and-

- What the f- "Dear Julian," what is that?

- It's dear, it's like,

ya' know how there's like a "Dear Abby?"

This is "Dear Julian" I'm giving ya' like,

straight up advice on shit, and-

- You give advice?

- Yeah I give advice

because I've been through a lot of shit

in my life, man.

- Are you good at it?

- I don't fucking care.

- Couldn't you give me some advice?

- Yeah, you gotta help me answer these questions.

We've been up all night, we haven't-

What time did we start yesterday?

- [groans] 11.

- 11 a.m.?

And-

- Give me some advice, how many days a week

do you think we can party like that,

and still live till we're 85?

- Oh you can't. You can't party like that everyday man.

[Ricky sighs] You'd be dead.

- Three days a week?

- Nah, you could probab- Nah.

We party like we did last night,

we'd be dead in two years.

- I gotta try to drink through this

[sighs] hangover.

- All right, lets get this started.

- Jeff C. Dear Julian,

Are hockey fights a good way to learn self-defense?

You been in a lot of hockey fights.

- Well I'd say,

if you don't get good at it,

you get the fucking living shit kicked outta ya', so,

yeah you learn pretty fuckin' quick that,

you're not gonna win the fight

you're gonna get fuckin' hurt.

[indistinct] Hockey fights,

I mean, you-

People don't understand this, but,

when you grab the shirt, you gotta try to grab

both parts of the shirt and grab 'em as tight as you can

that way the guy can barely fuckin' throw his little

dinosaur arms at ya',

'cause they're tied up.

Just one piece of advice,

but self def- [low croak]

What the fuck is that?

[low croak]

Oh, is that Dopey?

- Dopey?

- I was wondering where Dopey went.

Dopey the pig.

[low croak]

- That is- You know what?

[low croak x2]

That pig is fucked man, that's why I'm so fucked.

- Well sometimes

at a party he's fun - You put the joint in it?

Yeah, you put the joint in it like that.

[rapid croaking] [load inhales]

[sighs] fuckin' wish I had a joint right now

it'd probably go my head - No no, I would not

I'm not ever fuckin' smokin' from Dopey the pig

ever again man.

- This breakfast is shitty, by the way.

- Well th-

- Cheesies, licker-din-lish, and chocolate things.

- Like no, that's not breakfast man

it's just shit that's left over.

All right.

- What was the question?

- It's a, it's a good way to learn self defense,

actually it's not, it's, self defense is one thing

but it's, it's more like it's a better way

to learn how to kick the fuck outta somebody.

- Yeah.

- Not self defense.

- Normally when you're running around the streets

you're not on fuckin' skates so.

- So you got- I mean, it's easier.

You just get in there and fuckin' grab the person

just start wailin' on them

like he said - If you're a good hockey

fighter you're gonna be a fuckin'

good brawler on the streets.

- Yeah.

- So yes, I guess? I don't know.

- All right that's a yes.

Brian Josh [indistinct] - Stupid question.

It's very stupid.

[groovy guitar music]

♪ We passed upon the stair

♪ We spoke of was and when

♪ And although I wasn't there

♪ He said I was his friend

♪ Which came as some surprise

♪ I spoke into his eyes

♪ I thought you died alone

♪ A long long time ago

♪ No no, not me

♪ I never lost control

♪ You're face

♪ To face

♪ With the man who sold the world ♪

[groovy guitar music]

♪ I laughed and shook his hand

♪ And made my way back home

♪ I searched for form and land

♪ For years and years I roamed

♪ And I gazed a gazeley stare

♪ At all the million hills

♪ I must have died alone

♪ A long long time ago

♪ Who knows

♪ Not me

♪ We never lost control

♪ You're face

♪ To face

♪ With the man who sold the world ♪

[groovy guitar music]

♪ Who knows

♪ Not me

♪ I never lost control

♪ You're face

♪ To face

♪ With the man who sold the world ♪

[groovy guitar music]

♪ La da da da da da da [music fades]

[pipe music]

The Jim Lahey Show

And Randy.

[ice clinking]

- Did you say action?

- [Offscreen Man] Uh, yes.

- He said fuckin' action, Randy!

- Well you're supposed to say "welcome everybody" Mr. Lahey.

- You say it today, Randy.

- All right, welcome to the Randy and Mr. Lahey show

- You people are a part of an exclusiating, uh,

group of people who are fans of pillertalk.

Right, Randy?

- Mr. Lahey, that's not the right way,

you're supposed to say "Welcome to the Mr. Lahey-"

- Okay we're starting fresh, brand new, okay?

[indistinct] Here we go.

Three, two, one, action

Good afternoon labies and genlemen.

Jim Lahey, Sunnyvale Trailer Park Supervisor

at your service.

And, thank you.

- That was excellent Mr. Lahey.

- [laughs] Thank you, Randy.

- We got a great show, right?

- Right. I'm gonna do a cheers to the audience

here's a cheers to the audience.

- Give me this drink right here, Mr. Lahey.

- Oh, Randy that's straight up,

have a little sippie poo - I'll just have a little sip.

Say Cheers, audience!

- Yeah, cheers. Okay, so, [claps]

we have so many things to do today, I'll just tell you.

We have, oh! A special! Special new,

what do you call it when you put a new segment in?

[two horn honk]

joke of the day. Joke, I might as well start off

with the joke of the day.

- Joke of the- Randy's bellybutton!

[Lahey laughs]

- That's not the joke of the day,

Mr. Lahey. - It is.

It's an innie. It sh- when he gets horny

- It's not it's an outie everybody,

look. - No it isn't,

it holds two ounces of alcohol.

- Well that's the hair.

- [Lahey] Yeah.

- [Randy] Sometimes the hair catches things, Mr. Lahey.

- [Lahey] Randy.

- [Randy] You gotta pull stuff out.

- That's just- - Even though I don't wear

shirts, like if you go, it's at least,

holds an ounce, right, Mr. Lahey?

[two horn honk]

- Joke of the day.

This is the story of the guy who,

the three guys, uh, one guy.

- "The Three Little Pigs?" [Lahey laughs]

- The one- no. There's three guys, right?

- Three pigs

- Three guys, and they're gonna have a beer together.

And they put the beer down, and uh,

the fuckin' heads in the beer are all heads,

and three flies land on the heads of the beer

all at the same time.

The first guy, he goes, "oh that's disgusting"

and he pushes it away.

And the second guy says "oh that won't matter at all"

and he takes the fly and he throws 'em

- What did he say?

- "That won't matter at all"

- Oh, oh where's he from?

- Ireland, or Scotland, or New Finland, or somewhere.

Okay, and the third guy picks up the fuckin' fly,

holds the little shitbag like this, and he goes

"Okay ya' little bugger, spit it out."

Get it, Randy?

- 'cause he didn't want him to drink any of the beer?

[both laugh]

A little fly! [two horn honk]

- That's the new segment on our show called joke of the da-

Oh, look, Randy. It has a mind of it's own.

[two horn honk] Oh look at this!

Lookit-

Fuck off. [two horn honk]

- You got some cool stuff on your desk, Mr. Lahey,

- I know I- I like this guy.

- Yeah, it's wonderful.

- He's a Mountie.

- I know.

Randy and I play Mountie all the time.

- That's liquor, Mr. Lahey!

- This is a-

somebody- - It's whiskey!

Where does the liquor come out of, his arse?

- Randy don't be silly. Unbuc-screw his head.

No no no no, still got the little label on.

Okay, we have, we have a,

a nautical motif in the show,

and people have noticed it.

As you remember, our last show we asked for a contest,

for the magic box.

[Lahey taps metal box]

The magic box,

this is- - Whoa Mr. Lahey,

that smells like- His head comes off!

- Have a sippie poo, Randers.

[Randy coughs]

That's old as shit, doesn't get [indistinct]

As you can see, this little shit in a bottle,

there's nothing like a shit in a bottle, Randy.

But, [taps metal box] we have people that noticed our motif,

and we have a contest, look-

- What are you talkin' about, Mr. Lahey?

- Randy I didn't tell you, but see this?

This is all the way, all the way from Australia,

it's Crazy Cockatoo Studios, from Australia,

Troy Duncan Productions.

Fuck Off Poetry Inc.

And this- And guess what they sent us, Randy?

Guess what he sent us.

Taa-daa!

See this?

It's a shit in a bottle, Randy.

- [Randy] Lemme-

- It's a shit in a bottle. Look, check this out.

This f- Can you see that?

That's a beautiful little sailing ship.

And see that? That's coral from the Great Barrier Reef

outside of Australia.

- [Randy] How'd they get it in there?

- [Lahey] But guess what, Randy?

Guess what he sent with it?

There not only that boat, but this is a boat,

look check this out.

See that?

That's a ship in a bottle, without the bottle.

- [Randy] Oh! Mr. Lahey, this stinks!

- Look at this.

You put this inside the bottle, you slide it in,

and then you pull on the little string,

you pull like this,

and you pull the mast straight up like that,

and they all stand up like this.

- [Randy] That's how they do it?

- Like that, and that's what's going to shit

in the shit in a bottle.

Randy, isn't that beautiful?

♪ Sailing sailing over the bounding main ♪

But guess what?

Randy, guess what I got.

- What have you got, Mr. Lahey?

- I got a special thing also,

now this person- Oh yeah, we have to give-

We're gonna spend a special present back

to the person from here,

who gave us this. - Can I see, Mr. Lahey?

- Yeah, that's the thing.

And, guess what else? I got another one here, from,

uh, this is from Lawrence, Kansas!

And guess what it is?

It's a record!

And they sent this re- And we're gonna make a contest

out of this record.

And they wanted us to send a record contest.

We're gonna play this record,

the way it was fuckin' printed by the [indistinct],

Randy, and we're gonna put it on here.

Bring the camera in and see the record going on.

This is unbelivable.

What we're doin' is we're having a contest.

Swearnet.com

and,

what you can do, is,

if you know what this record is,

you just let us know.

[garbled record noise]

Most of you people who are over 35 or so,

you woulda' heard this.

But they fuckin' printed the record,

with the rel- Like you know, when they-

- It's backwards, Mr. Lahey!

- [Lahey] I know it is, it's just like that Beatles record!

[garbled record continues]

If anybody knows what this record is,

next time we have a Lahey and Randy show,

what we're gonna do,

is we're gonna play the other side,

can't let you see it.

But the other side of the record is when it goes

- Hide it, Mr. Lahey!

- [Lahey] Hide wha- Randy, you can't see it anymore.

- Okay

- [Lahey] But look at this, I'll show it to you.

You remember this? [giggles]

- Lemme see!

- Don't you say a fuckin' word.

All right, so we're moving on, and,

what we're gonna do is, oh.

First I have to have a little drinkie poo.

- [Randy] I'll put this back, Mr. Lahey.

- It's okay, Randy.

You-

You have to have a little-

liquor fruit for the breakfast morning.

[rattling noise]

- [Ricky] Oh yeah, you fucked her really good.

- Oh, she won't come off!

Gimme another one.

- [Ricky] Here, there's an oven mitt.

- Oh yeah, gimme that.

- Don't burn yourself Bubbles. - I'm tryin' not to.

- Hey I got both eyes open but - Hold the stick, Ricky

the brain's still sleepin'!

- Ah, there we go.

- Ah, she fuckin' came apart.

- Oh yeah, but look at that!

- [Julian] Bubs, he's passin' out back there.

- Terry!

Here, bud, come here for one second.

- Fuck, man, you fucked 'er.

- [Bubbles] Before you pass out.

- [Julian] Ricky, watch out man!

- Look at that hot dog. - Holy sh-

That's the most, - Right?

beautiful thing I seen in my whole fuckin' life.

- Eh?

- Can you sauce her for me?

- Yes sir!

- [Terry] Holy fuck!

[Terry whoops] - Easy with the sauce, Bubs.

- Right on!

- Holy fuckin'- - Pump that up!

Whoa!

- Yes sir.

- Jesus. - Holy shit.

How did this- - Get 'er in there!

I'm gonna try!

- [Ricky] Ah man.

- It's hot!

- [Ricky] I bet it is,

yeah be careful man. - Oh fuck!

[Terry exclaims] [Guys laughing]

- She's gonna be real hot-

- WOO! - Let's end it, man.

[ocean sounds]

[boat motor chugging]

[fish cursing]

- Fuck off.